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Dreams about Julien are not new.
He dreams about Julien frequently, and these dreams range from disturbing — such as the dream Skipper had two nights ago in which Julien cloned himself and took over the zoo — to extremely disturbing —- for example, the dream that invaded his mind two weeks ago where he had inexplicably turned into Mort and was hugging Julien’s—
Well.
Positive dreams about Julien, however, are very new. And they’re just as disturbing as the others.
In tonight’s dream, there are two thrones in the lemur habitat. Julien sits on the first throne, forcing Maurice to feed him grapes—-this is normal, this is acceptable, this is Typical Obnoxious King Julien Behavior. It is perfect; the dream should stop here.
On the second throne, there is Skipper. He’s wearing Julien’s spare crown, he’s holding Julien’s hand in his right flipper, and he seems to be enjoying it, he’s watching himself laugh at Julien’s narcissistic comments, he’s watching - he’s - he’s watching Julien place a - a kiss - against his own beak, and his dream-body feels paralyzed, feels entirely shattered.
Skipper wakes up screaming, falls out of his bed and hits the cold floor with a comically loud slam. Kowalski, Private, and Rico also wake up screaming, but for a different reason: hearing Skipper scream is just. It’s wrong. Unless needles are involved, Skipper is a fearless, unstoppable being. This goes against the laws of nature.
“On your feet, men,” Skipper says. “What’s the problem?”
“Well, Skipper, you were screaming in your sleep,” Private notes, hesitantly. “Are you okay?”
“I’m—”
He stops himself. He’s not about to lie to them; that’s wrong, and he is Absolutely Not Fine. But the thought of telling them about his dream also feels wrong, somehow, and he can’t figure out why.
Instinct. He follows his instinct. “None of your business, soldier. Let’s go back to sleep.”
Private sighs. Kowalski slaps him. The waking world is normal. There is one throne in the lemur habitat. His friends are his friends. Everything is okay.
“He was just concerned,” Kowalski says. “There was no need for that.”
He’s right. Skipper feels horrible now; it’s Private, he was mean to Private, of all people. He didn’t deserve it. No one deserves it. Not even Ju—
Skipper relents. “I’m sorry,” he says, and quickly, faster than light, faster than anything calculable, “I had a nightmare.”
“I’m sorry?” Private asks.
“I had a nightmare,” he repeats, at the same pace.
Rico chokes - huh?
“I - had - a - nightmare, ” Skipper finishes. “A nightmare. Okay? It’s nothing.”
“Oh, dear. Is there anything I can do to help you?”
Remove Julien from this zoo.
“Eh,” he responds. “I’ll be over it by morning.”
The sun rises. They get their morning fish. Everything is normal. Skipper is over it.
Until Julien waltzes into their habitat - their headquarters - and turns their television on, directly to the Hallmark Romance channel. And Skipper lets him.
He simply stands there and watches.
Kissing noises fill the air. Private sits down next to Julien, tries to hide his blatantly obvious sobbing. Julien turns the volume up to an unbearable level. And Skipper watches.
He doesn’t watch the television screen. He watches Julien. He watches Julien as the dream plays over and over in his mind. Two thrones, Julien holding him close. Like they’re - well. Like they’re the humans on the romance channel.
He’s almost completely mesmerized by Julien when he sees Kowalski wave in front of his eyes; his savior, Kowalski is his savior now, because he’s losing his mind.
“Skipper? Aren’t you going to do something about this?”
“Right,” Skipper says, acknowledging the logic. He needs to do something about this. He has to.
He approaches Julien, clears his throat. “Um,” he says. “Can you, um, turn that down a little bit? Please?”
“I will not! If I turn the volume down, how would I be hearing the kissing humans?”
“Sorry, my mistake, carry on.”
“My show is over in five minutes, and then I will be out of your - erm - feathers until next week. Now shush.”
He walks back to Kowalski, who is giving him a very suspicious look.
“Say nothing,” Skipper orders. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but something is.”
“You’ve never given in to Julien before.”
“Men,” Skipper says, motioning to Private and Rico, who follow to form a circle in front of them - across the room, away from Julien. “Listen up. I’ve come to a disturbing conclusion.”
“Oh, no,” Private exclaims. “What is it?”
“Julien has developed some sort of… mind control technology.”
Rico gasps.
“Yes,” Skipper continues, “it’s true. I will be honest with you, boys. I think he’s trying to control my mind. My nightmare last night was about him. He’s trying to make me… soft for him, so he can do whatever he wants without complaint or interference. It’s almost working. I feel… spellbound.”
“How do you suppose he came across technology capable of mind control?” Kowalski asks. “He is cunning, but he couldn’t have developed it himself. I don’t think he’s that bright… or patient.”
“I’m not sure. Any recent experiments pertaining to mind control that he could’ve stolen?”
“That’s classified.” Kowalski pauses. “Not yet.”
“Interesting. Maybe he made Maurice—”
“Skipper!”
“Yes, Private? Do you have a theory?”
Private backs up slightly. “I do,” he says. “Have you considered that maybe you have, I don’t know, a crush?”
“No, I’m not going to crush Julien, lethal force isn’t necessary yet—- wait. Come again?”
“You know, maybe you like him—” he points to the television “— in that way. ”
Skipper’s laugh is louder than the TV. “Have a crush? On Ringtail? No. That’s—- no. It’s ridiculous. He’s controlling my mind. That’s the only logical explanation.”
“If you say so, Skipper.”
“I mean, that’s the stupidest—”
“Okay, my show is over,” Julien interrupts. “I will be going now.” He stops, turns back to Skipper. “Hey, penguin! Do you mind if I borrow your coffee maker? I am recently finding myself a bit tired all the time.”
“Sure.”
“Great, bye.”
Private shoots Skipper the angriest look he can manage.
“Damn it.”
The most unrealistic thing about this dream is that Julien would never share his reign with anyone — no matter how much he loves them.
(Ugh. Love. )
This time, the dream continues on from where it left off, except now Julien is feeding him grapes. He throws one into Skipper’s mouth, and cheers when Skipper catches it and swallows it. Julien is holding him even closer now; the thrones are touching, overlapping. And—
And although Skipper is hardened and tough, he has to admit that it’s kind of cute.
He wakes up screaming once again.
“I’m sorry, Kowalski,” Skipper says, his eyes fixed on the ground, “but this is just… the way it has to be.”
“Skipper, I am not going to give you neurosurgery so you can get over your crush on Julien. Statistically, the chances of me failing and you ending up either dead or zombified are too high.”
“I’m sure there’s something you can do. Shock therapy? Psychological conditioning to make me not like Julien? Torture?”
“Um, no.”
“Mercy kill?”
“Skipper, no. These are all too risky.”
Private raises his flipper. “I have an idea. Why don’t you just tell him you like him? That way, if he likes you back, you can deal with it, and if he doesn’t, at least you’ll know and you can move on!”
“That’s cute.”
“Really? You’re going to tell him?”
“No. Rico, grenade.”
Rico produces a grenade from his stomach.
“What are you going to do with that?”
“When I’m gone,” Skipper says dramatically, “I want you all to know that I nominate Kowalski as the one in charge. I’m sorry that it’s come to this, but this madness has to end now. I don’t do crushes.”
He reaches for the grenade, but Private slaps him away. “Are you seriously going to—-you just need to tell him. I’m serious. Keeping quiet about it will do more damage than any grenade ever could.”
“I… think Private is right,” Kowalski says. “It is the most logical course of action. It definitely makes more sense than blowing yourself up.”
“What would I even say? ‘I dream about you almost every night and I somehow can’t say no to you and I think everything you do is cute when I should find it obnoxious so I think I might like you in a romantic way, what do you think?’ That would just be stupid.”
“That is exactly what you’d tell him,” says Private, nodding. “Why don’t you go over there now?”
“What? Now? I can’t - I look —”
“Skipper, go. ”
He takes his time, walking to the lemur habitat. He can’t actually tell Julien about his crush. He just can’t, for several reasons: 1. Julien would go on a rant about how of course Skipper likes him, everyone should like him because he’s king and so on, 2. There is absolutely no way Julien likes him back and 3. The thought of Julien harboring any romantic feelings for him is a terrifying thought, no matter how much he might want it to be the outcome.
Oh. He wants Julien to like him.
That fact is something that he can deal with later. He’s almost there.
This whole thing is ridiculous. Unless needles are involved, Skipper is a fearless, unstoppable being.
He is fearless. He is.
In every situation that doesn’t involve romance.
Screw this. He turns to leave. He’s leaving, he’s going to get over this some other way, he’s—-
“Oh, hello, Skipper. I do not see the coffee maker.”
Damn it.
“That’s because I don’t have it,” Skipper says. He points at Julien, and then realizes that doing so looks accusatory, which is not what he wants Julien to think. “I’m here to talk about something else.”
“Well, can we be talking about the something else with the coffee maker present—”
Skipper growls. “See, this sort of thing is why I just don’t get it. Why did I have to fall for you? Out of every animal here, my brain chooses you. Obnoxious, narcissistic—”
“Okay, okay, I get it, you’re angry—- wait. You what?”
“I like you, okay? In a stupid, gross, mushy romance way. There. I said it. Now reject me so I can get over you.”
Julien backs up; his teeth begin to chatter, his tail jolting upright. “Eh… I can’t… exactly do that.”
“Oh, come on. You can’t tell me you feel the same way, that would be—”
“I do.”
“Well, it would just be—”
“Ridiculous,” they say at the same time.
“Come on. We’re not like that, we’re—constantly annoyed by one another, and—”
“You know, I had Maurice - um - acquire a television recently, but decided I still wanted to use yours because then I would have an excuse to see you.”
“Um…”
“I like you a lot, okay? You do annoy me but I find you amusing and… oddly handsome. Not as handsome as me but pretty close.”
“I—-thank you?”
“So,” Julien says, resting his arm on top of Skipper’s head, “are we going to do the dating thing now?”
Skipper never thought that they’d get this far. He is absolutely bewildered, and the feeling of having Julien use him as an armrest is eliciting a stupid flustered response from his psyche. “Sure,” he says, hates himself for it, loves himself for it. “Why not?”
“Oh, but just one thing.”
“What?”
“I will not be sharing my royal reign with you just because we’re dating.”
Skipper laughs. “Thank God for that.”