Chapter Text
Black was never her favourite colour. Yet Hana finds herself wearing all black as if still in mourning. She believes the colour hides away the darkness in her soul. A darkness which has consumed her life for the past one year.
She does not know why she even agreed to come to Korea. The flight was about to land and she could feel her heart sinking to the floor. Another panic attack is on the way she feels.
This is not a good start.
She feels herself relaxing a bit after looking out the window and seeing the white fluffy clouds which reminds her of the pink cotton candy her uncle used to buy her every time she came to Korea. Her uncle is the only family that remains for her; hence she could not deny his request when he asked her to come and stay with him.
There is nothing for me in US.
She tries to convince herself as she gets out of the plane. She wants to stop feeling this way. Feeling miserable each second of the day. At this point even the slightest ray of hope would be enough to pull her out from the depths of her minds and make her feel better.
Better. If not normal at least better.
Her uncle could not come pick her up and she also insisted on coming alone as the place was not new to her. She knew her way around the busy streets of Seoul. The place has changed a lot and she hope that this change will rub off on her too. She wishes that the colours of the city would engulf her and make her forget her misery. The car stopped in front of a big building which was owned by her uncle. The building looked really new.
“I am here to meet Bang Sihyuk, my name is Hana,” she said to the receptionist.
“Ah yes. Bang Pd was expecting you. His meeting is not over so please wait in his office for the time being.” She led Hana to the office and told her to ask her if she needs any help.
“ Bang pd asked me to take special care of you so please don’t mind asking for anything” Hana bowed at her as she closed the doors to the office and went to sit on one of the sofas at the end of the room.
She looks around the office and, on his table, she sees a photograph of her and her uncle eating ice cream together from a big bowl. Her lips curve into a smile while thinking of the day this photograph was taken.
She had come down to Korea along with her parents to celebrate Christmas about 12 years ago. Her mother had told her to wait till dinner to eat ice cream. Her uncle on seeing his favourite person sulking, stole the ice cream which they were eating away in silence but from behind the door her father had secretly captured the memory.
“You got me into so much trouble that day”
Hana doesn’t need to turn back to know who the owner of the voice is . “ I think you got more scolding from mom than I did,” she says as she turns back and walks towards her uncle who has already stretched out his arms to hug his niece.
She feels warm.
A warmth which is needed to break the icy walls of her mind but she feels like if the walls are broken then nobody would be able to control what’s about to come. Her uncle slowly unravels his hand and looks at his niece. A small tear slowly forming at the e dge of his eyes. Leading her to the couch he slowly says, “I am glad you are finally here with me now, it going to be okay.”
It’s going to be okay.
Hana has heard this more times than she wants to. She knows it’s just how people try to console her. Just like tears that fall into an ocean, these words of consolidation get mixed somewhere in between without being of any help. These are from p eople who has not experienced what exactly she has gone through in a very short span of time. There is a constant tug at the back of her mind which tells her it is not going to change. Things will not be better and not even her uncle can do anything about it. She feels herself choking up a bit from the thought but quickly brushes it way.
Just because I feel miserable, doesn’t mean everybody else should.
People see her and they get reminded of the tragedy that had struck which makes her feel like a b eacon of misery and sorrow. One of the reasons she refused to accept the offer to come to Korea was because she didn’t want her uncle to look at her and realise what he had lost every single day.
Back in the US life was very normal other than the fact that her family w as extremely rich, even to the range that they can afford a private jet. Hana worked as a Design executive for a clothing brand and had a boyfriend of two years David who works as a sales executive in the same company. Her father owned a very profitable business and has a lot of shares in many well-known companies. Despite the family’s great wealth, Hana has always been self-made. She had worked really hard to reach were she is right now. Her parents had always thought that she would take over the family business but they agreed to her request to try out a field that she fancied. Everything was going normal until a year back on her birthday...
“why aren’t they picking up my phone,” Hana groans while redialling her father’s number. She then tries to connect to her boyfriend’s number. David had gone to the airport to pick up her Mother and Father who were coming back to US after a visit to Korea.
The nonstop rain outside was not helping the situation as she kept on dialling every possible number so that she could hear from the other line that they were safe and on their way. As no one responded she kept the phone away and went to get the car keys to drive to the airport.
As soon as she turned to grab the keys her phone rang. She rushed to answer without even looking at the number who has called.
“ Hello? Is this Miss Hana? “
“ Yes…”
“ Iam calling from Lenox Hill Hospital. There was an accident involving Mr David an d your parent…. ”
She didn’t waste anytime. Hana ran as quick as her heels could take her and within seconds she was inside the car and on her way to the hospital. Eyes on the road her mind was already in the hospital where she was assuring herself that she would find her people with just a few minor cuts or injures or at least alive. She cursed herself for agreeing with David to pick them up from the airport.
Hana ran to the hospital reception. Probably don’t even remember where she parked her car.
“ I... I got a call few from here saying that my fiancé and my parents were in a car accident… .” The nurse at the reception pointed to her left.
ICU.
It read in bright red colours.
Her feet was carrying her but her mind was glued to the reception with the same blank expression she had when she got the call from the hospital. The nurse didn’t look that happy when Hana asked how they were which made he r all the more scared to know as to what was happening.
She could see people running in and out of the ICU and with each step forward she was dreading to hear the words “I am sorry” from the staff inside. She quietly sat down on the bench near the two doors and kept looking at her feet damp from the rain water. She had forgotten to change from her house slippers as she was in a hurry. She was handling the situation much better than she expected. She didn’t shed any tears. No. there is no need to cry. Everything will be alright. They will be fine… Right?
After what seemed like a solid ten minutes, the doctor came out of the ICU.
“Ms Hana?” The doctor broke her out of the daze and she immediately stood up and walked towards him.
“yes”
“Are you alone…. Is there somebody you can call ?
“No, they are all I have… please tell me they are okay?”
“Let’s sit and talk,” the doctor ushered her to the bench. “Ms Hana I am sorry …”
There it is. The three little words that she didn’t want to hear. The three little words that didn’t help in any way possible. All she could process was that David died immediately on the scene and they couldn’t save both her parents due to excessive internal bleeding. She stared blank at the doctor who was still talking but all she could hear was the thrashing of the rain and everything else was reduced to nothingness.
Mouth still wide open, she stood up from the floor and moved towards the exit with legs trembling. She couldn’t hear the doctor calling her from behind nor could she hear the footsteps of the nurse approaching her. She walked out the exit and into the rain. It was as if the weight of the situation suddenly dawned upon her and she busted out crying.
She lost her family tonight .
She lost the people that she loves .
The rain could not cool down the volcano of emotions that were bursting out of her. It was like her entire world has come crumbling down and has pushed her into a corner where there is no escape no life and no happiness. She doesn’t remember when but she fainted onto the ground with a loud stud.
She wished this would be just a dream or a joke. A very cruel joke. Something that will fade away when she finally wakes up. She wants to wake up and go back to reality. The only reality she wants to wakes up is one where her fiancé and her parents are happily sitting on the sofa discussing about the wedding preparations or David is playfully complaining to her mother about how Hana hates to do the dishes. With this picture very clear in her mind she opens her eyes only to find herself in a hospital bed with her uncle sitting on the side and looking tired and exhausted.
“Uncle...” she calls out knowing all too well that the reality she hopes to find doesn’t exist anymore.
“Hana… you are awake... how... how are you feeling? Let me get some water for you…” He turns away so as to hide the tears that are threatening to fall but she laches on to his hand and asks “Uncle… are they... are they really gone?
She doesn’t get a reply, instead he hugs her and starts bawling . This is not some sympathy cry. This is real empathy. He too was close to the people that are there no more. But the pain she feels was too real for her to share with her favourite uncle. Hana feels tired. As though she has been crying for centuries over her lost lover and parents. As her uncle continues to bawl and mumble through whispers how deeply sorry he was that everything turned out this way, Hana couldn’t stop thinking of how her uncle got here so quickly.
Once he steps back, she asks, “When did you reach here?
Hana has been in an induced sleep for two days straight. On the day of the death, she had woken up making a loud commotion in the hospital and throwing stuff off the table and asking for her boyfriend and family. Denial. Her mind was in a state of denial. How much ever the nurse tried to calm her done, the more riled up she got. They had to put her into an induced sleep till her uncle could come.
By the time her Uncle finishes the story, he expects her to cry about it and relive some of the sadness he knows she is hiding away in the delicate mind of hers. But she doesn’t do it. In fact, she doesn’t show any emotions that a person who just lost three most important people would show. But she just stays blank and looks outside the window and slowly closes her eyes, not wanting to see the colourful world outside when the only world she had has been crushed into nothingness.
She came to Korea with her uncle for the funeral and since David didn’t have any family, he was buried alongside her parents. During the funeral she felt very overwhelmed with people talking behind her back asking why isn’t crying. God. Can’t people mind their own business? Some really good people who are tormented by the death of these lovely human show up but she remains the same. Just nodding along to everyone her uncle introduces her to. She was completely impassive towards the world by now.
People would be thinking it was better if I had died right?