Work Text:
Howard loved welding; it was one of his favorite things to do in the lab. It focused his mind and he could let the rest of the world fade away. He did a lot of it when Steve was away with his Commandos.
They were supposed to be back yesterday. Howard did his best not to think about why they were late. He tried not to think about Zola's reputation for slaughter.
He knelt on the floor, repairing a panel that had been sheared in half by an explosion, when the torch went out. " Eibermayer, I told you more gas, not less. What the hell…" His voice petered out when he realized that no one was listening to him. They were all looking at the door.
He turned to see what had them all captivated. "Steve." He smiled, but it was short-lived. Steve looked… he looked… devastated.
"I need to talk to you, Stark. Now."
Suddenly, everyone was looking away, and Howard didn't blame them. Steve sounded furious. He sounded as if he were ready to slam his fist into someone.
Howard froze.
Steve strode across the room and grabbed Howard by the front of his shirt. They stared at each other for a long moment, then something in Steve's eyes softened.
"Please, Howard," he said, his voice shaking.
Howard swallowed hard and forced himself to smile, hoping that it would dispel some of the tension in the room. "Sure, Steve. Whatever you need."
Steve nodded and dragged him out the door and down the corridor to his workroom. Then Steve pushed him up against the wall, gently. It was only then that Howard realized that they were both trembling.
"You're scaring me a little, Steve."
"I know, and I'm sorry, but I need you right here with me. I need you with me."
"Okay. Why don't you let go of my coat? Then you can tell me what's wrong."
"If I tell you, then it'll be true."
That's when he knew. Barnes. Oh, dammit, Barnes. He was surprised at how much it hurt. "Then we don't have to talk about it. Why don't I pour us a couple of drinks?"
Steve shook his head, then said in a horrified voice, "I have to tell Peggy."
"Let Dum Dum tell Peggy." Howard gently pried Steve's hands from his coat.
"I’m the captain, it's my job—"
"Fuck your job! You're in no state to do anything but stay right here with me," he said, but Steve wasn't listening.
"I should have gone straight to her. I should have told her as soon as we got back." Steve took a few steps back. "I should have saved him."
"Steve—" Howard made to move towards him, but Steve held up his hand.
"Don't. Don't say it." Steve took a deep breath and closed his eyes.
It hurt to watch him piece himself together again.
Steve opened his eyes. "I'm sorry that I frightened you. I'm sorry that I pulled you from your work. I have to talk to Peggy. I… I'll see you later."
It hurt that Steve walked out.
*****
When Steve came back later that evening, he was… calmer. Howard tried not to be too bitter about that.
"Have a nice talk with Peggy?" He winced; what the hell was he saying? "Sorry, let me try again. How's Peggy?"
Steve sat on the bed and stared at his hands. "Managing. She… She comforted *me.*"
Jealousy twisted in his gut. Howard thought he was better than that.
"I'm sorry about earlier. I know I scared you. I just… I got into camp and suddenly all I could think about was seeing you." Steve looked up. "I guess I was still in shock. Bucky's gone and now there's no one left."
"You have me." Howard's voice sounded tiny.
"Oh, no, Howard, I didn't… I just meant that I've known Bucky since we were kids. We grew up together. He was like a brother to me."
"I know what you meant." Howard told himself to stop being an idiot. He got up and sat next to Steve. "If you want to talk about it, you can. I'll listen. I'm getting very good at it."
"I don't want to talk about it. " Steve took his hand. "The Colonel is interrogating Zola right now. Once he… extracts the information we need, we'll be off again."
"So soon."
"Yeah," Steve ran his thumb over Howard's knuckles. "Howard, before we go, I want… I want to be inside you."'
Howard's breath caught in his throat. "Yes, all right. Yes."
Steve let go of his hand and began to undress.
*****
Howard moaned into the pillow as Steve pushed into him. They didn't prepare enough, and hurt, but not enough to stop. If he had his way, they would never stop.
Despite the little time they had, Steve didn't rush it. He moved in a deliberate rhythm and Howard's pleasure mounted slowly.
Steve had a plan and Howard would have laughed if he had any breath to spare.
Moan after moan was pulled from him by Steve's hands and mouth and dick. Soon he was jerking with each thrust and rubbing himself against the sheets.
Then, suddenly, Steve shoved in hard. He cried out Steve's name and rocked back. He felt Steve smile against the nape of his neck.
"Hurry," he blurted out, "Steve, hurry."
And Steve replied in a ragged voice, "Now."
His heartbeat drowned out every other sound in the room and he tightened around Steve as he came.
*****
Steve was in the bathroom cleaning up when there was a knock at the door.
Howard answered it.
The young soldier saluted. "Sir, Colonel Philips wants to see you and Captain Rogers immediately."
*****
Howard blew up a few things just to have something to weld.
*****
He was sitting at his desk, pretending he didn't want a drink, when they got back. She… Peggy's eyes were red and her lipstick was smeared and for a moment, he couldn't breathe.
She cried as she told him what happened and all he could think was that he wanted a drink, very, very badly.
When she was done, he looked at her and said, "His body?"
"We couldn't find the plane. And we don't have the resources to look."
"Right. We're in the middle of a war."
"He died a hero, Howard. He saved a lot of lives."
Just not his own.
Peggy reached over and took his hand. "His last words were of you."
He closed his eyes and struggled to keep his composure. He couldn't do this, not right now. He couldn't, he couldn't. "I think I want to be alone."
*****
Howard couldn’t catch his breath, no matter how hard he tired.
*****
Two days later, Phillips sent for him. He sat on the Colonel's rickety chair and stared at his hands.
"Jesus, Stark, you look like hell."
Howard smiled, at least, he thought it was a smile. "There's a lot of work to be done."
"That's why I wanted to talk to you. Actually, there are two reasons why."
When the Phillips paused, he looked up. "What it is?"
The Colonel looked uncomfortable. "As you're aware, Captain Rogers didn't have any family back in the States. He asked that his personal effects be given to you."
"He… He d-did?" Howard took a deep breath and steadied his voice. "He did."
"Yes, They'll be brought to your office."
He nodded. Steve didn't have a lot, but there were still his sketchbooks. Howard's heart clenched. "The… the second thing?"
"The SSR is being disbanded, Mr. Stark, and you've been reassigned back to the Manhattan Project." Phillips pushed a thick folder towards him.
He wanted to protest, he wanted… he wanted a lot of things. "I see. Thank you, Colonel."
*****
Howard celebrated VE-Day by getting stinking drunk. He woke up a few days later in the hospital. He checked himself out against the orders of his doctor and his father.
They didn't understand. He had to see a man about a boat.
*****
A month and a half, they'd been at it for a month and a half. His crew thought he was crazy, his father was threatening to have him committed, even the military was ready to wash their hands of him now that they had their cube.
None of that mattered.
Howard had to find Steve's body. He was owed that much. At least that much.
He got up to pour himself a drink, when he heard a commotion outside. He frowned and hurried out to the deck. That's when he saw it in the distance; it was another ship. He gestured for binoculars and what he saw through them made his heart sink.
His father. It was his father.
"Relax , Captain, they're friendly." Mostly. "It's my father. You can let him aboard. I'll be in my cabin."
"Yes, Mr. Stark."
He had all of half an hour to prepare. When his father walked into his cabin, he smiled and held out a glass of whiskey. "Hey, Dad, how about a drink."
"Hello, Howard." His dad's eyes narrowed, but he took the glass, and they sat down, as if they were civilized men.
Howard sipped his drink. "So what can I do for you?"
His dad snorted. "You know very well why I'm here. It's time for you to set aside this nonsense and come home."
"It's not nonsense."
"Howard, you know very well that you're looking for a needle in a haystack. It's admirable that you want to find your friend's body, but the military isn't going to fund this expedition anymore. Besides, I need you at home."
He clenched his glass. "Steve Rogers was a war hero and he deserves better than an empty grave. He fought for his country and the least his country can do is find his corpse and bring it home!" His voice broke on the last word and he visibly struggled to get his emotions under control. "As for the money, I'll fund this myself."
"Like hell you will!" Stark Sr. stood up and began pacing the room. "What the hell is wrong with you? You have better sense than this." He stopped and a stared at Howard for a long time. "Is this… Is this more of your nonsense, Howard?"
"Nonsense?" He raised an eyebrow and braced himself.
"Your fairy nonsense." There was an ugly expression on his father's face.
"My fairy nonsense." Howard smiled. "I've got to hand it to you, Dad, that was probably the nicest way you could have ever said that. " He felt something sick and rotten break open inside of him. "You want the truth? Yes, yes, it's about my fairy nonsense. Steve was my lover. He fucked me every night. I let a poor kid from Brooklyn fuck me and sometimes, I'd get on my knees and bl—ah!"
His dad backhanded him; it left him momentarily stunned. He should have expected that.
"Don’t you ever use that language with me again, Howard."
He gently probed his split lip; he tasted blood. "Or what?"
"I don't need you. I have Edward."
"Edward?" Howard laughed. "Edward is sixteen and even if he wasn't, *Edward* couldn't think himself out of wet paper bag!!"
"Don't talk about your brother like that!"
"Why not, it's the truth. I love him, but it's the truth. That's why you're not going to stop me. You need me, Dad. If you try to stop me from finding Steve's body, I promise you that I will take every one of my patents and I'll start my own business. Where will you be then, huh?"
"You wouldn't dare."
"For Steve, I would watch Stark Industries burn to the ground. For Steve, I'd start the fire myself."
His dad opened and closed his mouth a few times, then angrily set his glass on the desk. "Well! Well, I see there's no use talking to you!" He slammed the cabin door on his way out.
Howard gently touched his mouth. "Ouch."
He thought, Steve, you promised to protect me.
Suddenly a sob tore from his chest, then another and soon he couldn't stop. He couldn’t stop any of it. Tears streaked down his cheeks and he frantically wiped at them. It hurt. It hurt so much.
"Steve. Oh, God, Steve!"
He covered his mouth with both hands, but it did nothing to stem the tide. He curled into a ball, helpless, and let the grief overtake him.
*****
It was ten in the morning and the bar was mostly empty, except for a few of the regulars. Howard gestured to the bartender for another drink. As long as he tipped well the man wouldn't cut him off. Being rich had its advantages.
"Your secretary told me I could find you here."
He smiled as he turned around in his seat. He slowly gave her a once over; he knew she hated that. "Peggy Carter. What are you doing here?"
"I've come to see you, Howard."
"And now you have. How nice." He raised his glass to her, then drained it. "Whatever you're going to say, you can save it."
"I wasn't going to say anything."
"Are you sure? People usually do. 'Everyone lost someone in the war, Howard. He died a hero, Howard. He wouldn't want to see you like this, Howard.' You know, my father even offered to buy me a whore." He laughed. "A whore! As if all I cared about was getting fucked." He went to take a drink, but realized his glass was empty. "I need another one."
"No, you don't." She pointed to the bartender. "If you take one more step towards that bottle I'll have this place shut down."
"What do you want?"
"I want you sober." She grabbed him by the lapels and dragged him off his stool and towards one of the booths in the back. "We'll need coffee, lots of coffee."
While he drank his weight in coffee, she gave him a long, considering, look. "What?"
"Do you think you're sober enough to have a proper conversation?"
He laughed. "Oh, Peggy, I don't need to be sober for that. I don't need to be sober to do a lot of things."
"Why are you doing this, Howard? Why are trying to kill yourself?"
"What else is there to do?" He took a drink of coffee and grimaced. "Tastes like motor oil."
"He asked me to take care of you."
"Good job!"
"You're not the only one who loved him! But at some point, you have to let it go. You have let him go."
"How?" He set down his mug so hard that coffee splashed onto the table. "How I do that, Peggy? Do you really think I haven't tried? I've tried."
"Let me help. I have a proposition for you. A job."
"I have a job."
"Not like this. There's a group… an organization who's committed to handling unique problems. They're recruiting the best and the brightest. They want you."
"Me?"
"You'd be saving the world, Howard. You'd be doing something that Steve would be proud of."
That wasn't fair. That wasn't fair at all. "I have to think about it. Does this organization have a name?"
"SHIELD. It's called SHIELD."
Howard snorted. "Of course it is."
*****
He stumbled into her in the garden. Well, over her. He should have watched where he was going. He tripped over her legs and slammed right into the ground. The bottle of champagne he was holding went flying towards the bushes.
"Oh, are you all right?" She crawled over to him, laughing.
He coughed and slowly pushed himself up onto his elbows." Fine, I'm fine. I just don't usually trip over women in my garden."
"That's not what I've heard, Mr. Stark."
"Oh, now that's not fair." He sat up, ran his fingers through his hair, and smiled at her. "You know my name, but I don't know yours."
"Really? You should, my father introduced us."
A lot of fathers introduced their daughters to him.
She sighed and held out her hand. "Maria Collins Carbonell."
He took her hand and kissed it. "Of course, Miss Carbonell. Please, call me Howard."
"Howard, I desperately need a drink. So if that bottle of champagne managed to survive its flight, you can call me Maria."
"I'll see what I can do." He got to his feet and went in search of the errant bottle. "So why aren't you inside? Aren't you enjoying the party? I—Ah, found it!"
"It's a lovely party. I just felt the need to do some stargazing. " Maria patted the ground next to her. "Why are you out here?"
He flopped on the ground and fiddled with the cork. "It's little stuffy in there."
"Here, give it to me. You're not doing it right. " She took the bottle from him, grabbed the cork, and twisted.
"Don't point it at me." He made a grab for it.
"I have it!" She twisted the cork again and it popped right off. The champagne sprayed out, and unfortunately, she was still pointing the bottle at him. "Oh, my God. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. " She covered her mouth and giggled.
He blinked in shock
"You look like a drowned lab rat." Suddenly, she began to laugh.
It was a nice laugh and Howard found himself grinning at her. That seemed to set her off and she laughed harder. Before he knew it, he was laughing too.
It was the best time he'd had in a long time.
*****
Howard laid the wildflowers on Steve's grave and watched as Tony wove in and out of the tombstones, stopping occasionally to read a name.
"I'm sorry I haven't been here in awhile, but sometimes I lose track of the years. I know you don't mind. I brought Tony with me. I don't know why he wanted to come. I don't know why I brought him; he can't keep still for more than five minutes. Maybe I just… I don't know." He shook his head "Steve, he's the best thing I ever made. I wish you could meet him."
"Dad! Hey, Dad!" Tony waved frantically from five rows over. "Can we get ice cream?"
Howard laughed. "In a minute, come here!"
Tony ran to his side. "Steve Rogers. Who's that?"
He put his hand on Tony's shoulder. "He's the greatest man I've ever known."
"Even better than Captain America?" Tony looked up at him skeptically.
"A hundred times better than Captain America." He took a deep, shaky breath and let it out slowly. "Come on, let's get some ice cream."