Chapter Text
They had lost.
It was a simple proven fact. The loud-mouthed little brat who usually insulted Dirk from behind a computerscreen now stood in front of him. A hulking green figure draped in a bright overcoat and armed with a golden scepter, aimed at the human’s face.
Dirk was exhausted, his katana broken and his glasses badly damaged. Skaia was crumbling around him in a spectacularly anticlimactic fashion. Prospit shone brightly on the chessplanet, there was a pleasant breeze and even the clouds seemed to show images a better place. Everything looked so peaceful, save for the reality destroying manic in front of him.
The land should be littered with corpses but his opponent didn’t work that way. Whatever Caliborn did, everyone who was hit instantly evaporated. Dirk wasn’t certain whether or not it counted as an extra cause for concern or a relief. At the very least it seemed to be instantaneous.
“YOU ARE ALONE, PRESENT DIRK.” the voice of the matured cherub boomed over Skaia. In the blink of an eye his scepter turned into a golden machine gun. A few shots were fired but they were a formality, easily deflected even with a broken katana. Dirk’s free hand was too busy trying to establish a connection.
TT: AR, come on.
TT: Talk to me.
TT: I could really use a proper analysis of just how fucked we are.
AR: --system error--
TT: Initiate reboot.
AR: --system rebooting--
TT: Fucking hurry.
“WE WERE ALWAYS DESTINED FOR THIS DIRK” Caliborn roared. “WE WERE THE ONLY ONES THAT WERE WILLING TO DO WHATEVER IT TOOK TO WIN. WE ARE THE LONE HOWLBEASTS. THE ALPHA MALES.”
A malicious grin appeared as the giant began spraying bullets in the human’s direction while charging forward. Dirk realized the distance was closing fast, as he danced through the rain of bullets and attempted to leap over the demon.
For a moment he seemed to have survived another attack but Caliborns arm appeared from an impossible angle and slammed the human into the achromatic ground. Dirk gasped for air, realizing his opponent utilized time travel to cover his blind-spots. He also realized his chances of victory were even less than before and that at least two of his ribs was broken.
AR: --system online--
AR: Yo.
AR: Not doing so good champ.
TT: Nah, I’m peachy.
Caliborn towered over him and stepped with his peg leg onto the human’s sternum. Dirk could hear the cracks and dropped his blade. He realized he would soon join the others.
“OH I AM ENJOYING THIS!” Lord English blustered, crashing just a bit more weight into the human’s chest for his own amusement. Dirk was beyond crying in pain and just waited for it all to end.
AR: Is this it Dirk?
TT: Yes.
AR: I see.
AR: Then we will both stop existing.
TT: ……………
AR: Are you scared?
The peg leg stepped off of his chest. Dirk closed his eyes and waited for the final blow, thinking of the friends he lost during the fight. Jake, Roxy, Jane, Dave, Rose, John and Jade. He didn’t knew the beta’s that well but he wished he would have had the chance to. Heck, he’d even try to make nice with the trolls if he’d been given another chance. He’d dance in the streets with the Condescension herself if by some miracle he could survive this.
The thumb and index finger of the green giant picked him up. This was it.
TT: No. Not anymore. Just in a lot of pain.
AR: I see. Maybe we will meet the others in non-existence.
TT: Maybe we will.
TT: Fuck.
TT: This isn’t how I planned it.
AR: It never is.
TT: Fuck.
AR: Meet you in the void?
TT: I hope so.
TT: There is a lot I still wanted to tell you and everyone else.
AR: If there’s a bar in the void, I’m buying OJ for everyone.
TT: On my tab.
AR: Naturally. Despite my impossibly cool demeanor I am, after all, just shades.
TT: Sounds like a plan.
AR: Right.
AR: So just lie back and think of England.
TT: You’re a dick.
AR: You programmed me.
“DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS GAME LACKS, DIRK?”
Dirk lacked the strength or the lungs to talk back properly. He was fairly certain this was going to count as an heroic death.
“A PRIZE! A REWARD! A MEDAL! SOMETHING TO SHOW EVERYONE THAT *I* BESTED EVERYONE ELSE! SOMETHING TO SHOW I *DESTROYED* EVERYTHING ELSE! ME!” he smashed his free hand against his chest, as if to further assert himself as the alpha male. ”I AM THE WINNER OF THIS GAME AND I DEMAND TO HAVE SOMETHING TO SHOW FOR IT!”
The destroyer of time and space dropped the human nonchalantly to make a grand gesture with his arms. Dirk wasn’t expecting Caliborn to indulge in these theatrics at this moment. It didn’t seem like the time and place for such banter. He supposed that, despite the matured body, the cherub remained a brat.
“EXISTENCE WILL BE SO BORING ONCE I’VE DESTROYED EVERYTHING. I HAVE SEEN YOUR DRAWINGS A MILION TIMES, I HAVE CREATED MY OWN LITTLE GAME OF HOMOSUCK BUT IT ISN’T ENOUGH ANYMORE. I NEED MORE. MORE SMUT FOR THE SMUTGOD. A PERPETUAL MACHINE FOR MY NEVER-DECREASING NEED FOR YOUR FILTHIEST SMUT.”
The booming demand could be heard from all corners of Skaia. Dirk kinda wished Caliborn would just start with the killing. The punctured lungs weren’t doing him any favors.
“SO DIRK. I WANT TO PLAY A GAME……………….”
>Dirk: Wake up.
Dirk woke up in a panic and jumped out of bed. His hand automatically reached for a blade that he couldn’t find as he analysed his battlefield: a very basic bedroom. A bit anticlimactic. Just a perfectly generic bed, a perfectly generic desk, some room for storage and a window overlooking a perfectly generic street with equally generic houses, all painted a blinding white for some reason.
Dirk mouthed a quiet ‘fuck’ as he gathered his bearings. The last thing he remembered was painfully losing against Caliborn. This should not have been one of the possible outcomes by any stretch of the imagination, yet there he was. In a completely normal human house, in a completely normal neighborhood.
What was even happening?
>Dirk: Retrieve glasses.
Lil Hal was patiently waiting for him on the nightstand. He was clearly still pretty banged up from the fight, but he wasn’t beyond repair, much to Dirk’s relieve.
On his screen Dirk received an invite to a large group memo. Though he was sure there’d be a lot of information to there, figured his own artificial intelligence a more reliable source of information.
--timeausTestified [TT] began pestering autoResponder [AR]--
AR: Yo.
AR: Rise and shine sleeping beauty.
AR: your handsome green prince with creepy cueball-eyes has kissed you awake.
AR: There is a 99.999% this is supposed to wake you up.
AR: Your little dwarves already scampered every which way so no one is gonna clean your fucking bedpan anymore.
AR: The apple was all in your head, the poison was an illusion and the glass coffin the work of an extraordinarily shitty mime.
AR: Dirk?
AR: Are you alright?
AR: Watching you organics sleep is one of the most infuriating things imagineable, assuming I’d be capable of such emotions.
AR: Fortunately for the both of us, I have a decent approximation of what it’s supposed to feel like and it would seem this comes very close.
AR: In fact, if I were to come any closer to the genuine article I could be convicted in 39 states on account of molestation.
AR: Dirk?
AR: Come on man, this isn’t funny.
AR: I don’t know what Caliborn actually did, but we kinda have stuff to go over here.
AR: Pretty important, fate-of-the-universe kind of stuff. Not that it wouldn’t be totally cool and ironic to just put on your shades and watch as everything falls to pieces, but it might be a bit wasteful to let an eternity of existence go down the drain. Recycle that motherfucker.
AR: Also, you dying is not an option for me. That would be a complete and utter buzzkill.
AR: Dirk?
AR: Ah, never mind.
AR: I see aren’t quite deceased yet.
AR: No, take your time. Catch your breath, look out the window, maybe get into that book you were meaning to read. I’ll wait.
TT: Thank you for your heartfelt concern Hal.
AR: Hey, if you die then who is going to wear these rad fucking shades?
AR: Dave?
AR: I’d talk circles around the poor kid.
AR: Never mind, I got it: give me to Jake when you’re gone. That would mess him up beyond help.
TT: I thought we had things to discuss.
AR: Right.
AR: Namely: What the fuck just happened?
TT: Isn’t that the best fucking question I heard all day?
TT: Can you analyze the log?
AR: Checked it out and analysed it. I still can’t completely believe it, but after seventy times of checking it’s very difficult to deny the facts as they are.
TT: Seventy times?
AR: It gets really boring when you sleep. You can only watch all the porn in existence so many times.
AR: I was going to watch pictures of kittens instead but I realized I’m more of a dog person.
TT: So what happened?
AR: You don’t remember?
AR: Is this a new, hitherto unknown level of irony you attempt to unearth?
TT: This is me being about as sincere as I can possibly get without descending into English territories of the stuff. This is me baring my very soul to you in the sincerest display of open honesty ever witnessed by men and shades.
TT: I just remember losing a lot of blood and being in a lot of pain. Was that a thing that happened?
AR: Yes.
TT: Fuck.
AR: Okay: Long story short: Caliborn fixed everything.
TT: Are you trying to join me in this new, non-existant level of irony?
AR: I am dead serious.
AR: I am more serious than that sudden mood whiplash in Sweet Bro and Comrade Jeff ko two Russia.
TT: That was a strange movie…
TT: Also, why would I believe this notion that Caliborn, of all people, would fix everything?
AR: He had his reasons or actually: one good reason.
AR: That reason being you making a very foolish promise to the jolly green giant.
TT: I was pretty out-of-it so I don’t really remember what I promised. Losing a lot of blood will do that to you.
AR: All I just read was: I’m a squishy mortal meatbag.
TT: So what did I say?
AR: Do you really want to know?
AR: Perhaps you would rather die with your remaining dignity intact. It is the man’s way to go.
AR: Then again, I do derive some amusement from confronting you with this.
AR: Caliborn commanded you to ship all humans and trolls for his amusement. In exchange, he will keep you lot alive for as long as you entertain him.
AR: He wants smut of all varieties, wants to have people boning as far as the eye can see, wants us to christen every place on this planet, competitions in the horizontal shuffle and the from-behind ballet. The good, the bad and the bumpy.
AR: All in his bizarre way.
TT: …………… You know, maybe death isn’t as bad as I had previously pictured it.
TT: We are still operating on non-irony right?
AR: Correct.
TT: Because I can not believe that I am supposed to be some sort of shitty matchmaker, hooking up couples left and right, when my own love-life is in complete and utter shambles.
AR: I think we’ve danced this charleston before.
AR: But no, it’s time to put up your shipping goggles and prolong existence for as long as you’re able.
TT: Either that, or until we’ve formulated a plan to get that voyeuristic giant off our collective backs.
AR: Yes.
TT: So this is an actual thing that’s happening then.
AR: Correct. I do not know what the deadline is and whether or not there is one, but we probably ought to start shipping before the murdering begins again.
TT: I take it everyone else is alright then?
AR: Who do you think populate that mess of a groupmemo?
AR: Scratch that, how do you think you were supposed to ship anyone in the first place?
AR: Because the two of us can only hook up in so many quadrants.
TT: Very witty. George Carlin, Charlie Chaplin, Groucho Marx and even the great Carlos Menzia are all hiding their faces in shame for being outwitted by such a rad pair of glasses.
AR: Screw those amateurs. Did I or did I not just reach Larry the Cableguy levels of comedic genius?
TT: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. He’s in a league of his own.
AR: Also, you may or may not have noticed a distinct lack of immortality.
AR: Though I am inclined to give you bonus points for losing the poofy asshole pants.
TT: Yeah, I wasn’t going to say anything cause I was pretty fucking glad to get rid of those, but what is up with me losing godtier status?
AR: It seems to be contagious. The others lost their fancy robes as well, which means you can’t ogle English’s junk anymore. Joke’s on them though: I have screencaps.
AR: They are raging about it right now in the groupmemo.
TT: Because they all miss ogling Jake’s junk?
AR: Because some assholes take losing their godtier status personally.
AR: You should probably check it out, assuming you are still interested in shipping them.
TT: Will it get Caliborn off our back?
AR: For a while at least.
TT: Then consider it ordered, delivered, assembled, played with, discarded, forgotten, found again and done.
TT: Can you begin formulating an alternative plan of attack?
AR: Already doing the math.
TT: Then it’s time to get to work.
Dirk sat back and opened the other memo, only to be greeted with a wall of multicolored text, a lot of all-caps and poorly thought-out typing quirks. He considered going for a shower and getting the cliffnotes from his autoresponder. Considering the messy task of shipping everyone for the amusement of a childish demon however, he figured it’d probably be best to begin analyzing what he’d have to work with.
>Dirk: Enter memo
--carcinoGeneticist [CG] opened memo: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK 34 minutes ago--
CG: FIRST AND FOREMOST: I AM SURPRISINGLY ALIVE. I DID NOT EXPECT THIS TO HAPPEN AND FRANKLY I AM TOO FUCKING SCARED TO GO OUT OF MY ROOM BECAUSE I AM ALMOST ENTIRELY SURE THIS IS ALL A BIZARRE FEVER DREAM I HAVE DURING MY DYING BREATHS, WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY SECOND POINT.
CG: I AM IN SOME WEIRD WHITE RESPITEBLOCK, IN A WEIRD WHITE HIVE, IN A NEIGHBORHOOD SEEMINGLY EXCLUSIVELY POPULATED BY THESE WEIRD WHITE HIVES.
CG: THERE ISN’T EVEN A FUCKING RECUPERACOON IN THIS BLOCK AND THAT SLEEPING PLATFORM LOOKS DISTURBINGLY ALIEN.
--cyprinidConquerer [CC] joined memo 32 minutes ago--
CC: i hear ya guppy this is some messed up bullshark
CC: also I’m alive now
CC: dafuq
CC: i just looked in a mirror and saw my glubbin eyes
CC: this be cray
CG: WE HAVE MORE IMPORTANT MATTERS AT HAND THEN YOUR EYES!
CC: 38(
--ectoBiologist [EB] joined memo 31 minutes ago--
EB: i know where we are. this is my old neighborhood.
CC: pull the otter one
EB: no, i’m completely serious. this looks just like my house, even though most of the furniture is missing.
EB: but we’re also missing the numerous harlequins, so that’s a plus.
EB: no sign of my dad though…..
EB: maybe the game didn’t resurrect him :(
CG: WHY THE FUCK WOULD THE GAME DO ANY OF THAT?!
EB: well, we won right?
EB: everyone is alive and together, so that means we defeated Lord English.
--arachnidsGrip [AG] joined memo 29 minutes ago--
AG: Hold it!
AG: If we won this game then I want to know who got away with the killing 8low.
EB: err……..
AG: It was supposed to 8e me damnit.
CC: *clammit
AG: God this pisses me off! I was done in like a fucking ch8mp!
AG: I want a rem8tch!
CG: DID THE SPIDER THAT INHABITED YOUR THINKPAN DIE DURING THE FIGHT? BECAUSE YOU LOSING THE ONLY THING IN YOUR BODY CAPABLE OF SENTIENT THOUGHT IS THE ONLY EXPLANATION I CAN THINK OF FOR BEING SO ENTIRELY BRAINDEAD RIGHT NOW!
AG: Fuck you Vantas and fuck Lord English for…… GAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!
EB: yeah, i have no idea who delivered the final blow. i got hit not long after you.
AG: Then who was it????????
CG: MORE IMPORTANT MATTERS. LET’S FUCKING GET TO THEM.
--cravingTaurus [CT] joined memo 28 minutes ago--
CT: 8=D< I can scarcely believe it. We are alive once more.
CG: FUUUUUUUUUUCK……..
EB: oh yeah, you alpha trolls must have been dead crazy long.
CC: you don’t know the half of it my lil blue whale
EB: i guess not?
CT: 8=D< W001d I be correct in assuming that everyone else has been resurrected as well?
AG: Sure looks like it……..
CT: 8=D< Wonderful. I am so elated I c001d burst into dance.
CC: please don’t man
CC: not cool
CT: 8=D< Sh001d anyone wonder, Rufioh has taken it upon himself to e%plore the area from a higher elevation, whereas the Makaras seem to have taken it upon themselves to e%plore via more traditional matters.
--turntechGodhead [TG] joined memo 27 minutes ago--
TG: man screw those makaras
TG: turning on us when the big man himself shows up makes them lose all the browny points they got from being hilarious fucking juggalos
TG: just goes to show
TG: never trust a clown
CC: is that an actual human saying
TG: it should be by now
EB: hi dave!
TG: sup egbert
EB: have you talked to rose and jade yet?
TG: nah man
TG: i saw vantas was already beginning a shitstorm in here and i thought to myself
TG: aaaaaw yis frontrow seats
CG: EVERY WORD THAT DRIBBLES FORTH FROM YOUR PROTEÏNE CHUTE IS ACTUAL INTELLECTUAL POISON.
CT: 8=D< E%cuse me, but where does your animosity towards the Makaras stem from?
CC: did you pay any glubbin attrenchion at all zahhak?
CT: 8=D< I am ashamed to admit the situation was more than a little hectic.
AG: Meaning you died in the first wave. Claaaaaaaassic Zahhak.
TG: please make him stop
CT: 8=D< Stop what e%actly?
CT: 8=D< My boundless enthusiasm?
TG: no
TG: that thing you type before every sentence
CT: 8=D< Isn’t it magnificent?
TG: well yeah if thats what you want to call it
CT: 8=D< Tr001y it is the spitting image of a horse’s noble visage.
CC: lets just talk aboat the makaras before imma rekrill this sucka
--caligulasAquarium [CA] joined memo 24 minutes ago--
CA: alright in a nutshell
CA: the makaras pretty much swwitched sides the moment lord english appeared
CA: wwhich is the biggest fuckin scumbag act i can think of
CG: ASIDE FROM KILLING YOUR EX-MOIRAIL.
AG: Destroying a chance on normally resurrecting our race????????
CA: howw many times wwill you people make me apologize
CA: i am sorry i kicked sollux’s lowwblood hindquarters in a duel
CG: YOU ARE JUST IMPOSSIBLE!
CA: at least i fuckin aimed for the right fuckin target wwhen it mattered
CC: if only you did some actual damage
TG: worst part about the makaras was that the one in the fruity outfit immediately went after me
TG: it wasnt too bad but he was sporting that weird purple clown boner of his
TG: jegus fuck that was distracting
CC: i know right
CC: whoever designed our codtier outfits can swim to hell for all i care
--absoluteCatastrophe [AC] joined memo 20 minutes ago--
AC: \(=^..^=)/ HORUSS WE ARE ALIVE!!!
AC: \(=^..^=)/ CAN YOU BELIEVE IT, WE’RE ALIVE!!!!
CT: 8=D< I too am STRONGLY e%tatic at this revelation.
CT: 8=D< The level of e%uberance i feel is even higher than it normally is.
CT: 8=D< If I were to give it a numerical value it w001d certainly be 100.
AC: \(=^..^=)/ YAY!!!!
AC: \(=^..^=)/ <>
CT: 8=D<>
AG: Yuck. Get a pile.
AC: \(=^..^=)/ I AM JUST SO HAPPY SERKET!!!
AC: \(=^..^=)/ EVERYONE IS ALIVE, EVERYONE IS TOGETHER, EVERYTHING IS BEAUTIFUR AND NOTHING HURTS!!!
AC: \(=^..^=)/ DID YOU KNOW I ACTUALLY HAVE MEOWPILS NOW?
AG: ……..
CC: she means pupils
CG: THE IMPORTANT MATTERS?
CG: CAN WE MAYBE GET OUR SHIT TOGETHER NOW?
CA: seriously people wwe need to strategize this shit
CA: wwe havve a neww wworld and it is our responsibility to conquer it
TG: whoa slow down napoleon
TG: im actually agreeing with our shouty troll friend here
TG: we can take this easy
CG: FUCKING THANK YOU!
EB: yeah, no need to rush. we’re home.
AG: No offense John, 8ut this is pretty far removed from any home I’ve ever known.
EB: oh yeah, i hadn’t even thought about that.
EB: but i’m with ac, let’s enjoy this for a bit. maybe explore what’s going on.
AG: Like an adventure!
AG: Good thinking John.
--gutsyGumshoe [GG] joined memo 16 minutes ago--
GG: Boy this is a familiar neighborhood.
GG: I didn’t think I’d ever see this place again.
EB: i know right!
CC: meh
CC: i could have done without this place
GG: I can’t find my dad anywhere though.
GG: Perhaps the game didn’t see fit to resurrect him?
CG: WE’VE BEEN OVER THIS DAMNIT!
GG: Well pardon me for reminiscing.
EB: no, it’s cool. i did the same thing.
CG: IT WASN’T COOL WHEN YOU DID IT EITHER.
CG: CAN YOU PEOPLE KINDLY FOCUS FOR JUST A SOLITARY FUCKING MINUTE?
AC: \(=^..^=)/ I’M PAWFULLY SORRY BUT I AM BOUNCING UP AND DOWN AND I’M HAPPY!!!
CT: 8=D< Meulin has quite a lot of energy when she gets like this.
CG: I AM SURROUNDED BY IDIOTS!
CC: yeah my team being horribubble never reelly stopped bein a thing shouty
CC: totes possible we gots to do this ourshellves
TG: look vantas
TG: no one is going to listen to you yelling when they just returned to life after like a billion years
CC: it felt more like two billion
CA: so wwhen are wwe goin to take this joint ovver
CG: WE ARE NOT TAKING THIS JOINT OVER! WE DO NOT EVEN FUCKING KNOW THIS JOINT!
AG: No, 8ut the uncharted territories are peeeeeeeerfect for new FLARPING campaigns.
GG: These areas really aren’t all that challenging.
GG: The cityplanner seemed to have run out of creativity fairly early in the process of designing this place
CA: wwhich at least explains wwhy evvery hivve looks like a cardboard copy of the next
--gallowsCalibrator [GC] joined memo 17 minutes ago--
GC: 1T R34LLY N33DS 4 GOOD L1CK OF P41NT >:/
GC: TH1S T4ST3S SO 1NCR3D1BLY DULL
GC: L1K3 4 3MPTY C4NV4S NO ON3 R34LLY BOTH3R3D TO F1LL 1N
GG: I suppose that’s one way of looking at it.
GG: Still, I know the place like the back of my hand.
GG: I’m pretty sure John does too.
EB: yeah, totally.
GG: It would be a trivial matter to show the rest of you around :B
EB: oh, that could be fun.
AG: Thanks 8ut no thanks. I’ve already haaaaaaaad the tour of the immedi8 area.
AG: I want an adventure!!!!!!!!
GC: OH 1 W4NT TO B3 SHOWN 4ROUND BY JOHN
EB: sure
GC: C4N 1 L1CK 4LL TH3 TH1NGS?
EB: err…..
TG: just let the woman lick
TG: she wont let you rest until she licked everything
CG: SADLY, HE IS CORRECT.
EB: maybe you should go with jane instead.
GG: Oh no, this is all on you buster.
GC: 4NYW4Y B4CK TO BUS1N3SS
GC: HOW D1D W3 B34T LORD 3NGL1SH 4ND WHY 4R3 W3 H3R3
CA: i honestly havve no idea
CT: 8=D< I have nary a c100.
AC: \(=^..^=)/ BEATS ME!!!!
GC: HRRMMMMM……..
CG: WHAT THE FUCK?! WHY ARE YOU LISTENING WHEN SHE ASKS YOU A QUESTION BUT COMPLETELY IGNORE IT WHEN I CALL FOR ORDER?!
AG: Do I reeeeeeeeally have to spell it out for you Karkat????????
CC: whatever
CC: if this is just the human planet we will run this beach in no time 38)
GG: You mean like you did in my timeline?
CC: --EXACTLY like I did in your timeline.
GG: I don’t think me or my friends will allow that to happen :(
CC: and I don’t think I give a clam aboat what your guppy fronds think aboat my plans
--ascendedTaurus [AT] joined memo 13 minutes ago--
AT: h1 everyone.
CT: 8=D< Hello my love.
CT: 8=D< How does life find you this new day?
AT: err…yeah, h1…
AT: anyway 1m great. Fly1ng lost a lot of 1ts charm 1n the dreambubbles but now 1t feels l1ke 1 have been reborn…
AT: 1 honestly stopped 1n m1d-a1r when 1 f1rst took off to crow for a b1t…
CT: 8=D< What a magnificent sight that must have been.
AG: Hold on a second!
AG: Why does he get to keep his godtier powers 8ut do John and I have to walk like ordinary chumps?
CC: whale long story short
CC: nitram here is a mutie
CC: got them wings since pupation
AG: ........Really?
AT: cross my bloodpump1ng vessel and hope to d1e doll…
AG: You wouldn’t happen to talk to aaaaaaaanimals, would you?
AT: sure do… w1ngbeasts 1n th1s ne1ghborhood are m1ghty k1nd by the way…
CA: do wwe look like wwe givve a FUCK about those wingbeasts
GG: Could you kindly report what you saw, mr Nitram?
AT: r1ght on doll… so…
AT: 1 have good news…
AT: and bad news… and worse news…
CG: OF COURSE……..
CC: just lay it on us nitram
--tipsyGnostalgic [TG2] joined memo 10 minutes ago--
TG1: herlo erverybody!!!
AC: \(=^..^=)/ HI THERE!!!!!!!!
GG: Hello Rolal.
TG1: rox
TG2: daaav.
TG2: jusht picture this for a sec.
CC: thisll be good
TG2: there wus th batlefield with the bad big bose.
TG2: we came…….
TG2: we saaws……..
TG2: AND WE KICKED CALIPBORNS FUCKN ASS!!!!
TG2: BOO-THE-HELL-YEAH!!!!
AC: \(=^..^=)/ MOG YES!!!!!!!!!
GC: W3 W3R3 K1ND4 1N TH3 M1DDL3 OF SOM3TH1NG H3R3
TG2: fine.
TG2: but im totes crafting myself a dominomo mask later cus now i fels naked.
AT: alr1ght then…
AT: see the good news 1s that 1 scanned the area and d1dn’t not1ce any 1mmed1ate danger
CA: borin
AG: Let the troll speak Ampora. Please, continue........ err........
AT: ruf1oh.
AG: not gonna comment on that.
CT: 8=D< Please continue dear.
AT: 1 also found someth1ng that looked l1ke an absurdly tall h1ve not far from here, a pretty 1nt1m1dat1ng forest and a cons1derable body of water…
AT: 1 could see an 1sland 1n 1t, but 1 am not sure how b1g 1t 1s.
TG1: wait
TG1: why does this shit sound familiar
GG: How does that sound familiar?
GG: There wasn’t anything of the sort near my home.
--twinArmageddons [TA] joined memo 6 minutes ago--
TA: ah fuck..
TA: 2eem2 iim ju2t iin tiime two catch the bad news
CA: captor
TA: ampora
GC: HOW H4V3 YOU B33N MR 4PPL3B3RRY BL4ST
TA: feeliing odd.
TA: when even wa2 the la2t tiime ii wa2 completely aliive?
CG: TOO FUCKING LONG AGO. YOU KEPT HALF-DYING….. OR QUARTER DYING, OR WHATEVER.
GG: Yikes. Is that a normal occurance?
CA: for mr half-on-half it is.
TA: feel2 2o 2trange two no longer be part dead and part aliive: ii achiieved 2ome gloriiou2 yiing yang 2hiit and now iit2 gone
TA: not 2ure whether or not ii liike iit very much
CG: NO! YOU ARE UNDER DIRECT FUCKING ORDERS TO STAY FULLY ALIVE FOR AS LONG AS YOU CAN FUCKING MANAGE!
CG: WE ARE FINALLY ALL ALIVE AGAIN AND YOU ARE *NOT* GOING TO FUCK THIS UP, YOU HEAR ME!?
TA: whatever
CC: so yeah, not that i care or anyfin but that sounds reelly boring
CC: nitram the bad news before i cull someone out a boredom
CC: my bet is its gonna be the lil blue whale
EB: what?
GC: 4444444W BUT 1 W4S GONN4 M3SS W1TH H1M
EB: what?!
TG1: can you people maybe get your hungry grubby paws off my bro?
AG: Seriously Pyrope, what the hell!!!!!!!!
GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4 >:]
CC: urge to krill risin
GG: Rufioh, if you please…..
AT: so yeah… the bad news… look1ng past the really tall h1ve 1 saw a lot of dreambubble-l1ke env1roments…
CA: WWHAT!?
CG: WHAT!?
GC: WH4T?!
GG: Oh dear….
EB: i don’t remember that being in my neighborhood….. or a particularly big forest for that matter.
AT: well, 1 remembered the one w1th all the maps 1n the sky and all the h1dden treasures and stuff and that one 1s def1n1tely there.
AT: 1 am not sure what 1t means but there you go…
CA: so egbert gets his hivve and wwe havve to make do wwith the lands from that fuckin game
TA: e22entiially
TG2: sounds rough.
TG2: wat are wé having?
GG: Well, this already looks a lot like my own neighborhood, so I’m not sure?
AT: ne1ther am 1, really.
AC: \(=^..^=)/ BUT YOU SAID THERE WAS MORE NEWS
AT: 1t seems monsters from the game also found the1r way here… wh1ch makes for a really sh*tty s1tuat1on…
CG: OH MOTHERFUCK!
GG: That does sound like quite the nuisance…..
TA: what levels are we talkiing about?
AT: the ones at the tower1ng h1ve were entry levels. really easy to beat.
AT: but near the woods however the enem1es were 1ncreas1ng 1n d1ff1culty already. we e1ther need to go in groups or level up at the tower because 1 assume the monsters 1n the rema1n1ng areas are even stronger…
TG2: becus videogame logic.
CC: you fought any a them?
AT: just two encounters 1n the woods before 1 ba1led…
AT: 1 d1d cl1mb the f1rst ranks of my echeladder already… so that 1s someth1ng.
CT: 8=D< How valiant of you, to risk your own hide to deliver us this information.
AT: thanks…
CG: THIS IS PRETTY MUCH THE WORST POSSIBLE SITUATION!
AG: Are you kidding me? Now we can regain our lost levels.
AG: Hell, Rufioh already got a head start, how’s that even fair!?
GC: W3 4R3 GO1NG TO H4V3 TO G3T OUT OF TH1S L1TTL3 SUBURB 4T SOM3 PO1NT 4NYW4Y SO W3 M1GHT 4S W3LL F1GHT THOS3 UND3RL1NGS 4G41N
CG: FUCK, FUCK, FUCK. I THOUGHT WE WERE FUCKING DONE. WE *DESERVED* TO BE FUCKING DONE.
TG2: well do fine kk bb. we got each other now
TA: he2 ju2t beiing a wriiggler
TA: he doe2 that a lot
AC: \(=^..^=)/ WE DO NEED TO SHARE RUFIOHS FINDINGS WITH THE REST!!!
AC: \(=O..O=)/ MOG, WHAT IF THEY WANDER OFF INTO THE WOODS?!!
CT: 8=D< Informing them right away.
--genderAberrance [GA] joined memo 2 minutes ago--
GA: Go+o+d day everyo+ne.
GA: Do+es anyo+ne else feel like they have just awakened fro+m a hundred sweep slumber?
CG: THAT’S IT. I’M CLOSING THE MEMO.
TG1: i thought everyone needed to know about this shit
CG: GODFUCKING DAMNIT!
GA: What shit exactly?
GG: To abridge Rufioh’s findings: the nearby woods and tower are inhabited by monsters and there are things here that look like they came straight out of the dreambubbles.
AT: pretty much doll…
GA: I see.
GA: What do+es this mean?
EB: we aren’t really sure yet.
AC: \(=^..^=)/ BUT WE ARE ALIVE AND WE ARE TOGETHER!
GA: Indeed we are Meulin.
GA: I even lo+st my vampiric qualities upo+n resurrectio+n. Mo+re’s the pity, I really enjo+yed that aspect o+f my undeath.
CA: seriously howw did that evven wwork
TG2: i know!
TG2: majykk!!!
CA: that shit doesn’t fly
TG2: hah it toootes was
CA: wwe are not dealin wwith that wwriggler levvel stuff noww
CT: 8=D< If I may make a suggestion.
CC: you may not
CT: 8=D< b*gger.
CC: water we gonna do with this mess shouty?
CG: FIRST WE NEED TO LOOK AFTER OUR MOST BASIC NEEDS.
TG2: i likes werre this is going
CG: NOT EVEN REMOTELY WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT!
TA: more liike food water 2helter and a 2table iinternet connection
AG: One of those things is not like the others……..
CA: like he has any right to complain
CA: wwe already ARE hooked up on a seemingly stable fuckin internet connection
GG: And these houses function as perfectly adequate shelters in my humble experience :B
GC: SO FOOD 4ND W4T3R 4R3 OUR MOST 1MM3D14T3 CONC3RNS
GA: No+t really
TA: iif you are no longer a raiinbowdriinker you have to eat liike the re2t of u2
TA: that2 kiinda how iit work2
GA: I mean that there is an alchemitter in my attic and i still have a mo+dest supply o+f grist left.
TG2: checking my attic rigt now
TG1: with the underlings appearing outside of this cul-de-sac we’ll be swimming in grist in no time
TG1: we can dine like kings
TG1: lunch like dukes
TG1: have breakfast like emporers
AG: I just want to get aaaaaaaall my levels 8ack.
GC: TH4T’S GO1NG TO T4K3 4 WH1L3 >:/
TG2: yup
TG2: theres an alcimization device in my attic as wel
CC: so we’re pretty much seaturtled
CA: wwhat
GA: She meant to+ say settled.
--timeausTestified [TT] joined memo right now--
CG: OKAY, THIS MEMO IS GETTING A LITTLE FUCKING CRAMPED!
TG1: sup bro
TT: Not much going on. Pretty much find myself in the same situation as you guys.
AC: \(=^..^=)/ OH OH, YOU ARE THE HUMAN HEARTPLAYER!!! MOG!!!!
TT: Yo.
TA: why are there 2o many goddamn human2
TG2: man you lurv us.
TA: ii am ju2t 2urprii2ed evolutiion diidn’t deciide two pu2h the re2et button becau2e obviiou2ly iit took a wrong turn 2omewhere
TG2: you’re soooo right.
TG2: we shuld have evolvevd to have candycorn coming out of our skullls.
TA: not even remotely the poiint
TG2: you didn’t have a point two make
TA: okay, ii liike that you includiing a two pun but that 2hiit ii2n’t goiing to make me liike you
TG2: just you wait ;)
AC: \(=^..^=)/ OH….. MY…… GOD!!!!!!
AC: \(=^..^=)/ I FOUND MY FIRST POST-GAME SHIP!!!!
TA: plea2e no
AC: \(=^..^=)/ PLEASE YES!!!!
AC: \(=^..^=)/ OH, YOU WOULD MAKE THE PURFECT BLACK PAIR. I CAN FEEL IT!!!!
CC: sorry aboat her
CC: my team reelly, REELLY doesn’t know how to act even a little bit cool.
TT: Man, being cool isn’t an act.
TT: It’s a way of life.
CT: 8=D< I for one think that Meulin is perfectly fine the way she is.
AC: \(=^..^=)/ YAY!!!
AC: \(=^..^=)/ <>
CT: 8=D<>
CG: WE’RE NOT GOING TO GET ANY WORK DONE LIKE THIS, ARE WE?
AG: There is still work to be done?
CG: JUST SPREAD THE FUCKING NEWS OF OUR VICTORY AND THE FACT THAT THERE ARE MONSTERS LURKING OUTSIDE OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
GG: I’ll make sure to explain it to Jake.
GG: Heavens, I bet he ran off into his next big ‘adventure’ already.
EB: dave and i will tell jade and rose.
EB: i kinda expected them to be in the memo, but i guess they’re busy.
GA: We will make sure the o+ther alpha tro+lls hear abo+ut it.
CC: so now we take a day off to chillax?
AT: 1 th1nk we can start gather1ng the gr1st and k1ll1ng the underl1ngs tomorrow…
AT: Maybe work 1n groups for safety?
TG1: probably the best idea
TG1: cause those makaras are also out there somewhere
TG1: those fucking clowns
CC: the correct term is juggalo guppy
TG1: who even cares
CG: FINE. I CAN WORK WITH THIS.
CG: TOMORROW WE’LL BEGIN MAKING THIS NEW WORLD OUR OWN.
CC: can i get a shell yeah?
CG: NOW, IF YOU’LL EXCUSE ME…. I THINK I NEED TO LIE DOWN FOR A MOMENT.
EB: yeah…. being resurrected is really exhausting.
GC: YOU 4R3 JUST 4 WH1MP >:]
CT: 8=D< I too feel as STRONG as a horse.
AC: \(=^..^=)/ YOU ALWAYS FEEL AS STRONG AS A HORSE.
CT: 8=D< This is true.
CT: 8=D< What are you doing today Rufioh?
AT: Oh… err…
AT: 1’ll probably fly around some more, to see 1f 1 m1ssed anyth1ng.
CT: 8=D< How very thoughtful of you.
AT: yeah…
AC: \(=^..^=)/ I THINK I WILL WORK ON MY SHIPPING WALL. YOU ARE WELCOME TO JOIN ME HORUSS.
CT: 8=D< I know how important that wall if for you Meulin, so I shall leave you to your own devices.
TG1: im probably just gonna start a game of mario kart
TG1: egbert you in
EB: sure :B
EB: i’ll ask rose and jade to come along.
AG: Well fuck this lemonade stand. I am going to the tower to 8egin raaaaaaaaking in the levels.
EB: and how many levels will those be?
AG: Oh John, you know it will be aaaaaaaall of the levels ;;;;)
GC: BL4RGH
CG: BLARGH INDEED. WE DON’T EVEN FUCKING *KNOW* IF LEVELS ARE STILL A THING!
TA: iif there are enemiie2 there are probably level2
CG: NOT HELPING!
AT: 1 can keep an eye on her 1f you l1ke… Safety 1n numbers and all that?
AG: I thiiiiiiiink I could appreci8 that, Rufioh.
CA: an i’m coming too anywway
CG: OH COME ON!
CA: sorry kar
CA: but if vvris is goin to get too far ahead in levels things just wwouldnt be as fun
AG: As if you pose aaaaaaaany challenge.
CG: UGH, SCREW THIS NOISE. DO WHAT YOU WANT WITH YOUR DAY, I CAN’T EVEN PRETEND TO CARE.
CG: TOMORROW WE’LL SET UP AN EXPEDITION TO THE TOWER AND THE FOREST. SERKET, AMPORA AND NITRAM CAN BE SCOUTS FOR ALL I CARE.
CA: yes sir!
CG: MEMO OVER. GOOD NIGHT.
TG1: its day
CG: I KNOW WHAT I SAID!
--carcinoGeneticist [CG] closed memo: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK--
Dirk felt a rising frustration when reading through the memo again. There was a lot of interaction between everyone but he had no idea how to begin pairing people up under these circumstances. He probably could manage to arrange for short dalliances or one-night stands between people but an actual lasting relation was tricky. Not to mention the troll quadrants and how the beta humans seemed only tangentially aware of them.
Asking Hal for advice was out of the question. Partially because he didn’t want to lose face against a pair of incredibly rad glasses but mainly because the artificial intelligence had an even worse grasp of emotions than he did. Dirk briefly looked back to the shades on his nightstand, the unblinking red LED’s glaring back at him.
Thankfully, Dirk recognized an opportunity during the memo and he suspected that this opportunity would be absolutely ecstatic at the collaboration he was going to offer.
--timeausTestified [TT] began pestering absoluteCatastrophe [AC]--
TT: Yo.
AC: \(=^..^=)/ OH HI THERE!!
AC: \(=^..^=)/ YOUR NAME WAS DIRK, WASN’T IT?
TT: You are correct, Meulin.
AC: \(=^..^=)/ MOG, YOU REMEMPURRED MY NAME!
TT: Indeed.
TT: I gathered that you fancy yourself a bit of a shipper.
AC: \(=O..O=)/ WHAT?!
AC: \(=<..<=)/ WHY WOULD YOU EVEN THINK SUCH A THING?!
TT: Because you mentioned it very clearly in the memo.
TT: You said you were going to paint that shipping wall of yours like your own perverted little Sistine Chapel. Was that a lie?
AC: \(=>..<=)/ MOG, DON’T EVEN JUDGE ME!
AC: \(=^..^=)/ I CAN SHIP WHOEVER I WANT, IN WHATEVER QUADRANT I LIKE!!!!
TT: I didn’t say you couldn’t. You can ship my shades with Roxy’s scarf for all I care and I wouldn’t even judge you.
TT: In fact, your penchant for shipping it is the very reason I contacted you.
TT: Since we got no more world-destroying game or eternal death to worry about, what say you we focus our efforts on something that really matters?
AC: \(=^..^=)/ WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!
TT: I’m talking about hooking people up in the realms of romance. We’re going to start some sweet-ass matchmaker shit right here. Arranging some motherfucking matrimonies, bringing our people together in whatever messed up quadrants we can fit them in.
AC: \(=^..^=)/ THAT…..
AC: \(=^..^=)/ IS…………….
AC: \(=^..^=)/ THE BEST IDEA EFUR, OH MY GODS!!!!!!
AC: \(=^..^=)/ BUT I USUALLY JUST SHIP. I’M NOT SURE IF THEY’D BE VERY WILLING TO ACTUALLY HOOK UP BASED ON MY SUGGESTIONS…. \(=..=)/
TT: That’s why you got to have a master manipulator and generally cool person on your team. If only we could find one at this hour.
TT: Oh wait.
AC: \(=^..^=)/ DO YOU THINK YOU CAN DO THAT?!
TT: Why not give it a shot?
AC: \(=^..^=)/ YES!!!! YES!!!!! THIS IS THE BEST IDEA EFUR!!!!
AC: \(=^..^=)/ I AM SO INCREDIBLY EXCITED!!!!!
AC: \(=^..^=)/ YOU KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD DO?
TT: What?
AC: \(=^..^=)/ WE SHOULD INVITE NEPURTA TO HELP US!!!!
TT: Wait. No, that’s a terrible idea.
--absoluteCatastrophe [AC1] invited arsenicCatnip [AC2] to memo--
TT: Goddamnit.
AC2: :33< *ac’s ears purk up as she has been called by the fuzzy green tigress*
AC1: \(=^..^=)/ *THE FUZZY GREEN TIGRESS STALKS HER FURIEND TROUGH THE TALL GRASS, WAITING TO POUNCE*
TT: Should I just wait over here?
AC2: :33< *ac smells her the tigress approaching and hisses*
AC2: :33< “why did you call me here?” she asks.
AC1: \(=^..^=)/ *THE GREEN TIGRESS POUNCES AND TACKLES AC*
AC1: \(=^..^=)/ “TO EAT YOU MY DEAR!” SHE HOWLS BEFORE BLOWING RASPBERRIES IN AC’S NECK.
AC2: :33< gross :PP
AC1: \(=^..^=)/
TT: Did you want to ask Nepeta the thing?
AC1: \(=^..^=)/ YES I DID!!!!!!
AC1: \(=^..^=)/ WE ARE STARTING A SECRET SHIPPING CLUB, HEART-PLAYERS ONLY.
AC2: :33< oh my gosh!!!!
AC1: \(=^..^=)/ DO YOU WANT TO JOIN?
AC2: :33< WOULD I?!
AC1: \(=^..^=)/ MOG YES!!!!! THIS IS GOING TO BE THE BEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TT: Alright, so how are we going to do this logistically?
TT: Don’t know if you’ve noticed, but there are a lot of fucking people that need shipping. We can’t just go by them one-by-one and see what ships are seaworthy.
AC2: :33< but that’s the most fun!
TT: There gotta be a more efficient way to run this shipyard is all I’m saying.
TT: Fire the guy who spends his time jerking off in the containers and start hiring people that actually know port from starboard.
TT: Maybe make this business actually profitable. Start attracting investors, expend, repeat.
AC2: :33< uhm…. i don’t really follow
AC2: :33< was was your idea?
TT: My question was how do we start shipping all these people efficiently?
AC1: : \(=^..^=)/ MOG, I HAVE THE BESTEST IDEA EFUR!!!!
TT: Oh dear…..
AC1: \(=^..^=)/ DO HUMANS KNOW ABOUT SPEED DATING?
Dirk groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose. He briefly considered making a joke about going to the patent office because dealing with these two trolls was going to be a whole new kind of obnoxious. The worst part about it was that he had to do it. It was too late to back out and he was going to need their help.
He could only hope that Hal would find an appropriate tactic against Caliborn soon.
TT: Lay it on me Leijon….