Chapter Text
The only thing that mattered was that they paid attention.
Around her, a small crowd had gathered.
They cheered appropriately with every serve, and watched her every move.
All eyes were on her, always, as it should be.
Monika half-skipped off the court, throwing the racquet to a younger girl with a confident wink.
It wasn't important whether the girl caught it or not; it was another day where she'd been successful, and stolen as many hearts as she pleased.
After awhile, it tended to blur together in the back of her mind, but...
Something strange had happened.
On a summer day, like any other, she'd caught the eye of a younger woman.
Not the woman she'd thrown her tennis racquet to. She'd already forgotten what that person looked like.
It was a woman who was talking to a young man, beyond the field, beyond a half-fence.
They were digging in the dirt, and the man was grumbling from behind an unflattering haircut.
It seemed like the young woman was looking for something. Lost jewellery?
Her hand struck the links of the fence, and she worked her fingers through them; watching.
After awhile, the young man rose uneasily to his feet, fired off a weak salute, and wandered off.
He'd stopped to watch her play, a few times; whether it was at the court, at the swimming pool, or on the track field.
She'd entertained stealing his heart, too, but...
The young woman hadn't been paying attention at all.
No.
She was just happy to have gotten her hands dirty, looking for something in the soil –
Or perhaps planting something, a tree.
Brushing her darkened fingers against her clothes, the girl noticed Monika staring...
And waved politely, as if they were good friends.
And then she left, and Monika's teeth ground against one another.
People didn't just 'ignore' her.
She'd already gotten the attention of the short one and the tall one.
It hadn't taken much for them to notice her sudden arrival, and get curious.
So why was it that, she...
Sayori, as it turned out, was friends to everyone.
Friendly, at least.
Although she wasn't very good at – a lot of things, she always tried her hardest.
She wasn't dumb, either. Her grades were surprisingly good -
And she was dedicated enough to make up for the occasional missed day or moment where she'd screwed up.
But Monika kept watching her, as she meandered from class to class aimlessly, as if she didn't really care where her feet took her.
What irritated her most was that Sayori didn't care.
People had to look at her and think... What an idiot, what a space-case, what a useless girl.
Someone like that could never, for example...
Start a club.
Of course, clubs weren't important; even when she'd changed her look, changed her style, and taken what she pleased -
Monika only valued them because they were a way of showing how important she was, and making sure that people knew it.
But Sayori didn't seem to hold ill-will against anyone, and – sort of... It seemed as if nobody had any real ill-will towards her.
Monika followed her around, unsure of what to make of it.
To make of any of it.
To make of her.
In her mind, she'd meant to seek out Sayori first.
It was always clumsy, useless girls that had the lowest self-esteem, so it should've been easy to pressgang her into service for the literature club.
Monika had planned the entire thing out in her mind, culminating in Sayori being a nice figurehead to attract...
Outside, the summer days were in full swing.
Beyond the boundaries of the schoolyard, Sayori was staring at some seemingly-wild cats.
The cats were well-fed, and came up to her as if they knew her.
She talked to them, like they were people.
Gave them a little wave as they walked off...
Nearly jumped, when Monika put her hand against Sayori's shoulder.
“Hey, there!~
Gotta be careful with feral cats.
You never know what diseases they might have, right?”
“Oh, er... I guess! But, y'know, these are only semi-feral cats. We're good pals! Oh, you're – that...
Uhmn, I've seen you around.”
“You have?~ Oh, perfect. And here I was thinking you'd been avoiding me!”
“My friend Natsuki mentioned you.
She said I should be on the lookout for, ehehe, hurricane monique!”
“Monika, actually. That friend of yours didn't say anything bad about me, I take it..?”
That should've been an impossibility, of course.
Monika's charm offensive was flawless, and no matter how Natsuki claimed to feel...
It should've been easy for her to just accept things and view Monika as naturally charming and –
Sayori paused, sighing, and rubbed at her temple.
“Ehehe. Mmn...
Well, she sure was impressed by how you've been everywhere recently.”
“Right, I am pretty – “
“But that doesn't sound very healthy, to me.
You should take a few days off and just relax, once in awhile!”
Monika's face grew perfectly neutral. Her smile erased itself, line by line.
Sayori was saying something, but all Monika could notice was the pleasant heart-shape her own face held.
Those dewy eyes, her increasingly flustered expression –
“You aren't even a little interested in me?”
“Nope, I mean, yes, but, ehehe, there's only so much time in the day, and...
I don't see my friends too much, anymore.”
Sayori placed her thumbs together, and stared at the soil.
Then...
Eyes as blue as sky stared intensely into Monika's own.
“Recently, they've been pretty busy, too.
I've got the impression they've both fallen for someone.”
“Someone, huh?~”
“Yeah. Someone. And they haven't had the time to look after themselves.
Because they're looking up at someone who – seems to do everything, everywhere.”
Monika didn't take a step back, but felt a trickle of sweat form against the nape of her neck.
“And, it's not your fault.
I just – kinda though they'd... Ehehe, sorry, it's dumb. I've got a real empty head, but sometimes I think I notice things.
And you kinda just, whoom, showed up out of nowhere, and it was like an excuse for bad habits.”
“Oh, I see –
Shouldn't you blame them – “
“No.”
This time, Monika took a step back.
Sayori had frowned, for only a second, but the weight of it...
“I mean, I'm happy you're happier. You look great, too!”
“T, thank you?”
Monika self-consciously rubbed at her neck.
That should've been, nobody should have –
“Ehehe, but... I miss your glasses.
You used to hang around the library a lot, right?
Well, changing your image can be real important, but...
If it wouldn't be too much trouble, if you could give my friends some time to breath...”
Sayori trailed off.
They parted without another word to one another, and Monika simply watched her go, mouth agape.
In that moment, she fell in love.
Clearly, what Sayori had meant was that her prior iteration had been more to her liking.
It should've been impossible for that to be the case, since it should've been impossible for anyone to remember how she'd looked –
People were dumb, after all.
Even if you didn't think of them as 'people.'
But Monika knew how to evoke her old look without looking like she'd been originally...
How she'd carried herself.
A slightly oversized green sweater.
Cute glasses.
Messier ponytail.
Perfect.
The best part was that people still loved her; she got compliments wherever she went, from a wide variety of people.
And she accepted them all graciously, because they mattered oh-so-much.
But the woman she expected the praises of...
It was raining, that day.
Little tiny silver slashes, against a prone and dying sky.
Sayori stared up from a book, noticed her – and frowned.
Monika padded over on her feet, frowning herself.
That hadn't been part of the plan, after all.
“Whatcha reading?~”
“Uhmn...”
“Oho, a romance?
I'm not really a fan of those – they provide such an unhealthy view of the world, you know.
Furthermore, a lot of romance authors – “
“I like it. It's not the sort of novel I'd normally read, but I like this one.
It actually has a pretty gloomy ending.
Anyway, please don't take this the wrong way, but...
Did I ask you to, er, come over and start telling me what you thought about... What I'm reading?”
Monika flinched.
Her anger flashed across her face -
But more than angry, she felt...
It was as if the veins in her fingers were real, and not just for show.
Like her soul was shivering.
“Right, right. Sorry!~ Sorry... You just keep on reading, then.”
“Thanks!
We can catch up some other time.”
It was the kind of comment that made it clear there didn't need to be some 'other time,' and wouldn't be.
If the party in question had anything to say about it.
But Monika politely disengaged, and waited.
waited for sayori to yawn, bookmark her book with a woarn tag that had gone flat with age, some childrens' cartoon character.
she looked like she hadn't got much sleep. she picked up her bookbag.
bookbag over her right shoulder, that much was practically part of her character, she probably always did that –
Sayori shifted her bag to her left shoulder, and Monika felt like she might swallow her tongue.
unlike the useless tall one who wasted all her time wasting away, monika wasn't innately good at hiding.
she wasn't innately good at anything.
but with how things had turned out it was entirely easy to just kind of fade into the background, waiting for a moment.
rainfall illustrated that distance between them, like runway lights.
her feet danced between patterns, always maintaining the careful balance between them.
Glancing over her shoulder, Sayori frowned, imperceptibly.
Monika smiled in return.
“What d'ya know, we meet again?
Hoo, what a rainy day.
Would you believe I happened to bring a spare umbrella, with me?~”
“Could you...”
“Now, I know it's a bit awkward to just...
Offer something to someone you don't know well, but I – “
“Go away!”
Sayori shouted, and Monika flinched, her eyes as wide as the parade of droplets were thin.
One by one, they splattered against country roads, and Monika laughed, near-soundlessly.
“I don't know why you're trying so hard to be my friend, but I'm not going to...
Be friends with somebody who's trying to be something they're not! Aren't you just wearing...
What you used to wear? Did I tell you to do that? I like who you are now, too!
Stop, trying to...”
i like who you are
i like who you are
i like who you are
Monika mumbled something.
Despite the fact she could tell the exact moment seconds became minutes and minutes became hours, she had lost track of time.
Nothing in her mind had prepared her for a statement like that, and nothing she could think of made sense.
Sayori...
Liked her? Already? But they hadn't spoken. (At all.)
Why... How... Why...
That night, she spent all sorts of time thinking and trying to rationalise the behaviour.
For there had to be some method she could use, a walkthrough for this girl that'd make her fall in line, and become predictable.
And Monika would hate the loss of someone unique, but at the same time, some part of her...
Replaying the image of Sayori's uncertain face in her mind, Monika didn't know what to feel at all.
Nothing was fine.
Nothing, was fine.
“Uh, Sayori? She's – why are you asking?”
The guy she was talking to was the unremarkable man from before. Normally she would've found him interesting.
For a lot of reasons. For all the right reasons. But right now, he was secondary to what she wanted.
Smiling, she leaned forward a bit, let her perfume talk for her.
“Oh, but she's just so impressive.
I think it takes a lot of effort to get back up when you're having a rough time, right?
And she always gets right back up!~”
“That's – kinda vague...”
“Mmn, sorry.
I guess I'm just soooooo starstruck by her I needed to be a little vague!”
His nervous laughter met her confident laughter, and he scratched at the back of his hand.
Bit his teeth. Looked unsure, like someone who knew that they might be betraying a friend's trust..
But also wanted that friend to have more friends.
“Sayori is – really important to me, so you better not be – this better not be some kind of joke...”
“Oh, I can assure you it's not.
I've got something I want to discuss with only her.”
“All... Sure.
Sometimes she likes to go stargazing, uh, up on the hill.
I bet if you surprised her there, she'd be open to talking with you about it.
I mean, you're really popular, Monika. Who wouldn't be happy to see you?..”
“Right?~ But, thanks. I'm totally in your debt! I'll make it up to you, some time!”
She whirled on her feet, with no intention of even remembering his name.
Her heart was slow, patient. It didn't pound; it lurked.
Right, right, right. Sayori, stargazing...
The night was cold.
Cold, and crisp, and free. A perfect night for watching the stars, really...
Maybe she'd even made sure of it.
It'd taken her longer than she'd planned to settle on a perfect outfit -
The sort that she'd felt was certain to draw Sayori's attention, and flattered all the parts of her she'd seen the other girl try not to look at.
War was won in margins, as someone had once said...
But she was impatient, so she took a 'shortcut' up the hill, waiting behind the shade of a tall tree.
It would've been more honest to pretend to walk up, meet her, and be surprised, but...
Sayori was alone.
And she didn't look 'happy.'
Like she was about to have fun.
Monika – felt her throat tighten, without knowing why.
Quietly, Sayori set up a telescope.
It was an old telescope, but probably still worth a decent amount because of the rarity and bulk of private telescopes.
Monika didn't know, off-handedly, and didn't have the interest to find out.
Even though she'd planned to jump out, earlier...
For some reason, she remained hidden, and watched.
The telescope wheeled up to the heavens, and Sayori sighed.
Her blue eyes were so dim in the dead of night, and she – didn't get behind the lens.
She just lay against the telescope, as if it were a pillow. Her eyes half-shut, and dull.
And she wasn't gazing into the heavens, she wasn't crying, she wasn't doing anything at all.
Moment by moment passed her by, with each passing moment the perfect opportunity to make an impression and jump in -
But Monika found herself paralysed, unable to do even that. She just watched.
It was all she could do, to watch.
Finally, after hours had passed, having not gazed into the telescope once...
Sayori packed it up and went home.
Monika wandered to the spot she had stood.
And she fell back into the cool grass, letting it buoy her against it.
She stared into the solemn sky with hundreds of unanswered questions.
The next day, Sayori sought her out.
“Ehehe, listen. I was a real... I was really mean.”
“Oh, you absolutely weren't. A lot of the time I come off as so aggressive? It's not my intention!~
But I just – am fascinated by a few people, they just end up captivating me.
And I guess I found myself a little fascinated by you.”
“R... Really...”
Sayori kept on rubbing at the back of her neck.
Like it was too tight.
They'd met up in a small coffeehouse, one way too fancy for a shitty town of this size, out in the country.
It was normally an impossibility for a place like this to stay in business, but – wouldn't you know it? -
Just the right rolls of the dice for it to remain open had fallen her way.
Monika was just lucky like that.
“Really-really! So, I'll be honest with you. The reason I'd gotten so interested in you...”
She slid a thin volume across the table.
A light novel, with a pointlessly long title.
Little by little, some of the awkwardness slid past Sayori's face. She giggled, hiding it behind a hand.
“Oh, this looks kinda funny!
I wonder who the killer is, probably the guy on the cover?”
“Maybe!~
But, it's not this novel that I'm asking you about.
Sayori...”
She aid that name with all the solemnity of an undertaker, or perhaps a hunter burying their greatest rival.
Her fingers found the back of Sayori's hand, and stayed there.
Sayori twitched, but didn't pull away.
“... I can't think of anyone else I'd rather have as my vice-president.
You're so...
You, you know?”
“Huh, I'm – me – what – “
“And I think a literature club would be so much fun!
The ability to meet new people, learn new things, read new books...
It'd bring all sorts of people together, and I was just so excited to share it with you!”
Monika slowly removed her hand, feigning regret.
Sayori watched her, emotions at war on her blush-struck face.
“But I guess I was a bit too forward, huh? You probably have a lot on your plate. I am SO sorry, I...”
“No! Nonono, I'd love to... Ehehe, a veep, huh?
Well, I don't know if I'm really as reliable as you're making me sound, but – spending time with you wouldn't be the worst thing.
I mean, I'd kind of like it!”
Her smile was as strong as the sun, as she said every word Monika had waited to hear, had expected to hear from the very beginning.
And in that instance, having had her, Monika lost every glimmer of interest she'd held before.