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It was well past midnight by the time Charles crept into Erik's bedroom. It wasn't something they had talked about during daylight hours yet, but somehow when the rest of the house was sleeping, it was something of a routine for one or the other to sneak into the other's bedroom for a late night visit.
“Mm, Charles? What time is it?” Erik peeked out from under the covers, reaching over to turn on the small bedside lamp.
“Nearing 2:00.” Charles answered. “Is it alright if I join you?”
“Yeah. I thought-” Erik sat up in bed and turned to face Charles, the sheet falling forward slightly to reveal his bare chest. “I thought maybe you weren't coming.”
Charles grinned slyly. Even in the dim light, Erik couldn't miss the light in his eyes. “Oh, I definitely plan on coming tonight.”
Erik nudged Charles's shoulder as the other man pulled back the sheets and slipped in to sit beside him. “Oh, Charles. Double entendre already? What would the children think?”
Charles smirked and leaned closer to Erik, favoring him with a slow appreciative glance.
Erik returned the look with a bemused expression and reached forward to tug at Charles's t-shirt. “I think this needs to come off. Now.”
Charles shrugged his shoulders and pulled off the thin cotton shirt, tossing it aside.
Then Erik's hands were at his waist, and Charles reached up to run a hand across Erik's jawline, lingering near his mouth, one thumb brushing delicately across the other man's lips.
“God, Erik, you have no idea how much I want you right now.”
Erik bit back something between a moan and a laugh as he lay back against the pillows and Charles leaned forward, meeting his gaze briefly before their lips met and they each closed their eyes.
Charles pressed his lips to Erik's and brought one hand down beneath the sheets, pulling at Erik's waistband as the two men moved against one another. The kiss started soft and sweet, but within moments, progressed to something more passionate. Erik parted his lips and Charles pushed his tongue into that warm, familiar mouth, running along the contours of teeth, tasting the other man, his mind for the moment gloriously too preoccupied with the task before him to bother with whatever thoughts or emotions might be emanating from any of the house's other occupants.
Then a spike of something like fear pushed its way into Charles's mind and he pulled back.
“Erik? What is it?”
Erik was looking up at him with an uncertain expression, both guarded and longing. “Nothing.” he said, too quickly.
Erik propped himself up on one elbow and reached out for Charles again, pulling him in for another slow, steady kiss.
Charles wanted to give in, but again, he felt that spike of fear from Erik and had to stop.
“What?”
“I just- Why do you taste like chocolate?”
Charles couldn't help but grin. Maybe he'd misread the emotion. Such an odd question couldn't have anything to do with fear, could it?
“Oh, sorry. I snagged a leftover chocolate bar from downstairs before dropping in to see you.”
There was a tight nod from Erik followed by a ragged breath and then a sheepish half-smile. “Naughty, Charles. Chocolate before bedtime?” The tone was meant to be light and teasing, but it wasn't quite convincing. There was a catch in Erik's voice, the words jagged and cold.
Charles didn't know what to make of it. He frowned and started to pull away, but Erik was leaning in again, moving closer to continue their kiss. He paused just before their lips met one more time.
Charles felt the other man tremble in his arms and then, in an instant, Erik was pulling away, sitting up and leaning forward facing the other way on the bed. Again, Charles could hear that ragged breathing, this time something very near to a sob punctuating every couple of breaths. Erik bent forward, his head in his hands, shoulders sagging slightly.
Erik struggled to calm himself, but it wasn't working. It had been some time before he'd experienced this kind of panic, but tonight, the memories were too painful. Too close to the surface. He'd let his guard down for a moment and the taste of chocolate had been too strong a reminder. He took in several shallow breaths, but they didn't seem to be enough. He let his hands fall to his sides and his fingers twisted in the fabric of the bedsheets, gripping tightly as he fought to tamp down the edge of panic bubbling up within his chest. He shook his head, trying to convince himself to stop this, to calm down, to get over this, but that was far easier said than done.
“Erik, are you alright?” Charles already knew the answer, but asked anyway. He frowned at the lack of response, then scooted forward until he could sit beside Erik on the bed. He didn't want to intrude, but the panic and fear was coming off Erik in waves and it only took a slight effort to find the cause.
Brief flashes of memories danced across Charles's mind's eye. Shaw offering a young Erik chocolate.
“Oh, Erik.” Charles whispered, abashed at his own carelessness. He brought one arm up around Erik's shoulder, not sure if the other man would allow any attempts at comfort at the moment. Erik flinched at the touch at first, but then very slowly, edged into Charles's embrace.
Charles held him loosely, swallowing thickly at the sounds of Erik's barely withheld whimpers and half-sobs. Charles could feel his heart break each time Erik made to calm himself and failed. The sheer effort the other man expended to keep the panic at bay was enough to make Charles's throat ache with unshed tears of his own.
Erik didn't want to look at Charles. He didn't want to let Charles see the ridiculous fear that something as simple as the memory of a chocolate bar could evoke. Shaw had taken so much from him over the years, but this was too much. Erik shook his head and bent forward, pulling his long legs up onto the bed, curling forward until his knees touched his chin. He stared straight ahead, not seeing the dimness before him.
He could still feel Charles beside him though, just barely touching him, holding him as one might hold something delicate and breakable. It took several long moments before Erik realized Charles was saying anything at all. Finally he recognized as words the soft, slow repetition of, “It's ok, Erik. It'll be alright.”
He felt a small inkling of something in his mind then, like a hand outstretched offering him support to stand. It was Charles, inside his head, just a small reassuring, comforting tendril of thought. Erik took the offer of help, closing his eyes as Charles's thoughts mingled with his own, forcing the raw emotions back into the darkness deep within his memories.
The words of the other man continued, now matched with similarly reassuring thoughts within Erik's mind. “Your safe here, Erik. It's ok. It's alright.”
Erik shook his head within Charles's loose embrace and his breathing began to slow. Unwanted tears slid down his cheeks, illuminated by the soft glow of moonlight through the nearby window and the dim light from the lamp on the bedside table behind them.
“Easy now, it'll be ok.”
Erik took one more shuddering breath and wiped his face with the backs of his hands. He unfolded his long frame, relaxing finally as the remnants of panic receded and the vividness of the memories once again faded into the background.
“Sorry.” He said brokenly, the word barely above a whisper.
Charles squeezed his lover's shoulder and clasped his hand. “You don't have to be sorry, Erik.”
Charles brushed his hand against Erik's face, wiping away a lingering tear and curling his fingers in Erik's hair.
Erik leaned forward into Charles's arms again and this time, Charles just held him there, smoothing his hands across Erik's lean back, holding on with everything he had, trying to pour as much love and reassurance as he could into the fragile, broken pieces hidden within Erik's mind. Erik relaxed into the embrace, forehead resting on Charles's bare shoulder, his own hands loose in his lap.
Eventually, they moved to lie down again, still pressed against one another, and Charles pulled the covers up over the two of them.
“I guess I kind of ruined the moment.” Erik said softly. His voice sounded flat, wrung out by the struggles of a few moments before.
Charles searched again for Erik's hand with his own, twining their fingers together beneath the sheets and fighting back a yawn. “Not ruined. Just turned into something else.”
Erik stared into the darkness before him for a long time, wavering between exhaustion and embarrassment at everything that had happened. He listened to Charles's breaths slow and even out beside him. Finally, he couldn't keep his eyes open any longer and he drifted off to sleep thinking of the warm, caring man beside him and wondering if all Charles's hopes for the future, tenuous as it was, would be enough to drown out all of the darkness within him. And if so, then for how long?