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“ I'm losing sight,
I'm losing touch.
All these little things seem to matter so much,
that they confuse me,
That I might lose me. ”
— “Here Comes a Thought”, Steven Universe
They still hadn’t found the body. Connie choked at the thought.
They still hadn’t found Steven.
Steven Universe said goodbye and left at 7:55pm for the Gem-Teacher Association meeting. He didn’t come home at the usual time. They assumed he got held up in his errands. After all, Steven had been so, so busy lately.
He didn’t come home at midnight, either.
Pearl called Connie when the clock struck 2:00am. It was the most horrifying phone call of her life. Pearl’s words were incoherent—all Connie could make out were Steven and gone and sobbing, and she immediately leaped onto Lion even though she would get kicked out for leaving without notice for a second time because Space Camp meant nothing compared to Steven.
They searched.
Oh, they searched. From Beach City to Empire City they covered more ground and sky and water than any other mission but they found nothing.
The door opened at exactly 4:32 in the morning. Connie will hear later that when Pearl saw who had entered, she rushed over to embrace him.
“ Steven! ” she cried. “Where have you been? Everyone’s been out looking for you for hours! Where were you? Why didn’t you tell us, call us, text us—do anything that would have let us know you would be getting back so late—?”
He wasn’t hugging her back.
Something wasn’t right , and so she released him to take a closer look. He still hadn’t said a word.
He’s all pink, his expression is blank, and there’s—there’s blood all over his jacket and shirt—
The door opened again.
“Garnet, Lion, and I searched every inch of Empire City. No one’s seen him, which is ridiculous— how can it be difficult to find one guy in a bright pink jacket? ” Connie walked in, frustrated from another ( useless, useless, useless) search, and when she saw him it was like time—
slid out of place—
because she knew—
she knew that if this Steven was there, then—
no
nonono no NO
and the next thing Connie was conscious of was the feeling of her ( soft, too soft ) hands beating against his shoulder, which was too hard ( hard light, he’s made of hard light now, she remembered studying the differences between gem and human, how Steven showed unique traits of both, Steven Steven Steven ) to be flesh, it wasn’t right—
and someone’s screaming Where’s Steven where’s Steven where’s Steven and Connie didn’t realize it was her own cracking voice until Pearl’s pulling her back from him, arms around her, restraining her—
and Connie goes back, back to Homeworld, back to Pearl restraining her as she’s forced to watch Steven—
and Pearl reeled back as Connie clocked her on the temple, near her gem, her hand itching for Rose’s sword—
and then Garnet was there, shoving them both apart.
“ Everyone chill out! ”
The next ten minutes were some of the worst of Connie’s life, second only to the actual experience. Connie had to explain to everyone why he was absolutely, completely wrong. She had to explain what had happened on Homeworld. She had to explain that if this Steven was here, then their Steven was—was—
She did all the talking because he wouldn’t speak to anyone. Not about what happened nor where Steven ( his body oh god no no no ) was. Nothing.
Instead, he stared at her. Just stood there in the center of the room ( eye of the storm ), emotionless expression a contrast to the explosive emotions that were surrounding him, staring at her.
Connie wiped her eyes with her sleeves. Her fists were still clenched and shaking, but there was no fight. She needed to blow her nose, but instead she met his stare with a full Maheswaran glare.
He cocked his head in response. It was a pale imitation of curiosity with his ( empty, is he even alive? ) eyes.
Connie covered her face and felt ( frustration rage sorrow grief her best friend and maybe more was probably dead) exhausted.
Pearl had left soon after her explanation to continue searching for Steven. Her eyes had been wide—unstable. Amethyst decided to follow to make sure she was okay, but her own face was more white than purple. Garnet had unfused upstairs, and Connie could still hear muffled screaming and sobbing from Ruby and Sapphire. Someone still needed to call Greg. It would probably have to be her.
Connie was left alone to deal with ( her failure ) watching over… him. No one else could stand to look at him.
Something cold fell lightly on her hand.
Connie flinched, looking up from her hands to see the source sitting across from her. Her face twisted, and she had to swallow a shout. No. She couldn’t afford to continue letting her emotions cloud her judgement. This was… This was a part of Steven.
Connie sighed and squeezed her eyes shut. Tears had left her eyes dry and sore.
“We need to get you changed out of those clothes,” she finally said, moving to rise.
“No.” The cold feeling became a cold grip. It wasn’t a pull, but it stopped her from completely rising to her feet.
“What?” Connie straightened, her eyes flying open at the first thing she had heard from him since ( SHE’S GONE ) he had entered the house. He was still staring at her with those ( dead ) eyes. This close, she could see that his pupils were in the shape of diamonds. She couldn’t remember if his eyes were the same back when—when she had first seen him. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to remember.
His gaze fell from her to the dried blood stains on his jacket.
“No,” he repeated, voice so soft that if she closed her eyes she could almost imagine that it was—wasn’t him that was speaking. His free hand brushed across the stains, and Connie saw something like longing in his eyes. “All that’s left.”
The few crackers Connie had consumed in between the moments of panic and uncertainty as fuel for searching ( she remembered thinking she would search all night and all day if she had to, she would find him, she would find him, she had to find him, he can’t be gone again ) stirred in her stomach. It was one thing to suspect where the blood had come from. It was another to have it be confirmed.
“He’s gone,” he said. “I failed.”
“ We failed,” Connie said, suddenly understanding because she was his Knight and he was his Gem, and she moved to hold his other hand as well, their foreheads falling close together, and there was—
light—
pink—
darkness—
and then roaring, clashing , muscle sinew tearing bone snapping, falling , pain, pain, blinding pain, mission: save the body , Connie Dad Garnet Amethyst Pearl help me please, where where where , it hurts so much, follow the red trail need to find him protect him , everything hurts can’t breathe can’t breathe, find him protect him , so tired so sorry can’t stay awake no one’s coming such a failure so weak, there he is there he is there he—
why isn’t his chest moving the body has to breathe the heart has to beat—
have to make it breathe make it beat one two three—
cracking splintering shattering—
twenty-eight twenty-nine thirty—
one two three—
why isn’t it working —
mission: failed?
no
nonono no NO he can’t be—
I can’t be
In a flash, they fell apart.
Connie was wrong. She was so, so horribly wrong. He had all of Steven’s memories and all his emotions, he just didn’t know how to express it. And Steven—his human half— Oh God, Connie thought.
There were a million new things to address with the information she had just been given, but for now…
She grabbed his—grabbed Steven’s hands and met his eyes.
“Nothing’s okay right now,” she said, “but I’m here. We’re here. The Crystal Gems are here. No matter what happens, we’ll find a way.” A way to fix this? A way to deal with it? A way to cope? Connie didn’t know, but she knew they would do it together, and she hoped that she conveyed it well to Steven.
He didn’t respond. After a few seconds, she couldn’t look at his eyes ( like ice, such a contrast to the melting chocolate of Steven’s eyes, would she ever see those again? ), but she knew it was Steven now ( so stupid of her to have ever thought otherwise ). She pulled him into a hug.
Slowly, she felt arms wrap around her as well.
“Flexibility, love, and trust,” he murmured tonelessly by her ear.
“ Take a moment remind yourself to,
take a moment and find yourself,
Take a moment and ask yourself if
this is how we fall apart? ”