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Jongin watched with bated breath as snowflakes started falling from the pale grey sky, with his face pressed against the window, creating little spots of condensation with every breath he took. Every little crystal that Jongin followed with his eyes, from the moment it left those silvery clouds until it softly fell on the snowy ground felt like a confirmation of what was about to happen but more importantly, the reminder of whom he was going to see.
A sharp ringing distracted Jongin from the trance like state he got himself in, quickly moving to pick up the phone and check who was calling him, squealing in delight when his eyes read the name “Chanyeol ❤”, that was his best friend (also childhood friend and love of his life, but who cares about labels right?) Park Chanyeol calling him, and Jongin already knew why. The two of them always hung out together when it was snowing, it was a tradition they created a long time ago when they were just kids and it kept on happening for years, even when Jongin inevitably fell for the older or when essay deadlines were awfully close. Smiling to himself Jongin answered the phone.
“Jonginnie?” a deep voice laced with uncertainty said on the other side of the receiver.
“H-Hi hyung! I’m sorry if it took too long to answer, I just got distracted by the snow..” Jongin murmured shyly, anticipating the question his hyung was about to ask him, Chanyeol unknowingly proving him right when a warm chuckle and a fond laced “Obviously, how stupid of me to worry, I should’ve guessed you were just watching the snow.” was heard through the phone, Jongin blushing at the comment thanking whatever superior Entity out there that Chanyeol couldn’t see his pink cheeks.
“You’re saying it as if it’s something that happens daily” Jongin grumbled, holding the phone against his ear with his right shoulder and patting his cheeks pitifully trying to will his blush down.
A strong and slightly offended “It DOES happen daily!” sounded through the receiver and Jongin hated that he could picture his hyung’s smirk clear as the day.
“You’re always zoning out with that dreamy look on your face, if I weren’t your best friend I’d almost feel threatened.”
“Aw hyung, you know I’m always thinking about yo-” Jongin started saying immediately stopping when he realized what he had just blurted out.
Closing his eyes in regret Jongin sighed, already expecting his best friend’s insufferable reaction to his ‘little slip’ and receiving instead an awkward silence, that the younger immediately tried to cover up with an overly eager offer “So hyung, today, the movie? You’ll choose it! I’m gonna take care of the snacks! It was my turn anyway...”
The proposal was met with a manic laugh that, almost, almost, made Jongin regret his offer but Chanyeol’s happiness has always been his first priority, when his best friend was happy, with his too large smile and crinkled eyes, Jongin inevitably felt happy too.
“Nini? Jongin? Did you hear me?” the older’s honey voice took him out of his Chanyeol filled fantasies and grimly reminded him of the terrible choice he just made.
“Sorry Yeol I got distracted for a second, what were you saying?”
“I said we’re going to watch a horror movie so you better get ready ‘cause this time we’re watching it ‘till the end.” Chanyeol’s excited voice made Jongin whine out loud.
“Horror? But Yeol… I’ll have nightmares for days, you know how I am with horror movies...” Jongin panicked, already imagining all the nights he was gonna stay wide awake, too scared to even close his eyes. The thought alone made him shiver.
“Don’t worry Nini, I’ll hold you through the ‘scary’ scenes, you big baby,” Chanyeol said, sarcasm lacing his voice in ways that made Jongin want to scream and cry at the same time.
Sighing out loud for what felt like the umpteenth time that day, “Alright,” Jongin conceded, “Be here at 7 pm, bring the movie and wear your softest clothes! I want you extra huggable! Bye!” Jongin quickly ended the call before Chanyeol could make any comment about ‘how he’s always extra huggable and Jongin should know’ cause fuck yes he knew. And that was the problem.
Love wise things have always been a little difficult for Jongin. In high school, both him and Chanyeol were friends, and the two of them dated around, jumping off from girl to girl but always coming back to each other. Their bond was deeper than any other relationship they ever got into and none of their other friends or exes ever questioned it, until one day, Jongin thought he had finally found the right girl. Her name was Soojung, a junior at his school, Jongin even told Chanyeol about her, that’s how serious he was about their relationship.
Soojung was really nice girl with a lovely smile that Jongin liked, even if it didn’t make her eyes crinkle and despite it not being too large, she still was extremely sweet and gladly listened to his ramblings about dancing or even his post-fights, rage fueled ramblings about Chanyeol. It was during one of the latters, Jongin irritatedly explaining the fight he just had with the older boy about how ‘Jongin spends all of his free time with Soojung instead of hanging out with him’, that she looked at him dead in the eyes, her pretty smile dimmed, and asked him if he was in love with Chanyeol. His best friend.
Now Kim Jongin is many things, handsome? Sure! Funny? Why not! But, in love with his best friend? Absolutely not. Or so he thought, because minutes after the accusation had been made, Jongin felt heat rise to his cheeks and heart suddenly beating like a jackhammer. His hands started trembling and abruptly he couldn’t keep his eyes open anymore, because they were fogged with tears . He had finally come to realize that the reason for his constant romantic failures were his own feelings. Because what he felt for his best friend wasn’t just fondness, but a deep rooted love.
The ‘epiphany’ (as Jongin liked to call it) wasn’t easily digested, it brought him extreme distress, even resulting in a mental breakdown that lead to him being held by Soojung, while he cried in the crook of her neck for hours. Afterwards things weren’t exactly easier, but more manageable except when he and Chanyeol got more touchy than usual and Jongin had to excuse himself to the bathroom, before popping off a boner and creeping out the older.
He and Soojung stayed friends and kept in contact even after high school, she was actually the one that constantly pushed Jongin towards the idea of an hypothetical confession, something that will NEVER happen because Jongin cares about Chanyeol too much, he
was his precious sunlight and Chanyeol was straight anyway, what would be the use? Jongin would be WAY happier if he saw the older marry a nice girl instead of seeing him walk away after a painful rejection, at least with the former he’d still have Chanyeol in his life.
Sighing, Jongin went to fix some snacks, taking great care in choosing the ones that were Chanyeol’s favourites, so that he would smile that over excited grin of his, the one that made his right eye lightly twitch and Jongin’s heart burst. Giggling slightly at the mental image the boy took out different bags of junk food from his cupboard, and started pouring gummy bears into a glass bowl, eating some of them as a reward for his struggles.
Checking the time on the chicken shaped clock hanging on the wall, Jongin realized that in half an hour Chanyeol would be there, so he sprinted towards his room and quickly changed into his pajamas, a fluffy bear onesie, that Jongin only wore when horror movies were chosen for movie night, that way he could use the hoodie as a mean to protect his innocent and susceptible eyes from the gorey scenes.
Running with padded feet on the floor Jongin quickly went back in the living room and took out a pair of soft wool blankets from the closet that he started neatly placing on the sofa when the doorbell rang. Excitedly Jongin went to open the door ready to hug Chanyeol, only to be left pouting when he realized that the older had both hands occupied by some square shaped stuff.
“Hi Jonginnie! I brought pizzas!” the enthusiastic tone of Chanyeol’s voice caused a bright smile to bloom on his face.
“Pizzas? Hyung you’re the best! I knew it! Having a best friend that lives near Domino’s does bring pizza benefits!” the younger snickered and after safely storing the older’s jacket in a closet, he grabbed one of the pizza cartons and lead the way into the kitchen.
“I see you prepared everything.” Jongin hummed absentmindedly in affirmation, Chanyeol’s voice unconsciously warming him while placing the pizza on a big tray, “Look at this, you even got the gummy bears! You remembered!” Jongin turned around and watched as Chanyeol tenderly took the glass bowl in his hands, stare fixated on the rainbow colored candy. The older’s gaze slowly focused on Jongin and the younger immediately felt the blood come alive in his cheeks, “Of course I-I did hyung! Last time you whined for hours about not buying them, s
thought… That… Well...” Jongin started fidgeting, gaze trained on his twitching hands to avoid Chanyeol’s chocolate coloured eyes, afraid of making things too weird. Unknown to Jongin, the older boy was completely enamoured with Jongin’s shyness and his eyes were full of affection.
“So! Should we move back to the living room?” Jongin lifted his eyes only to find the kitchen already empty. Pouting the boy turned around once more and took the pizza tray in his hands, when suddenly, he felt a pair of lips against his ear.
“Hey princess, I’m waiting for you,” the deep, raspy voice paired with the hot breath that hit his nape sent a shiver down Jongin’s spine. The younger slammed the tray down the kitchen table, his barred eyes and rusty cheeks betraying his feelings and almost exposing him to Chanyeol’s ever attentive gaze.
Jongin turned his head and locked sights with Chanyeol, he was sure that his dishevelled and panting self was not leaving a good impression on the older, and yet Jongin could not help but wonder (and hope) if for a split second, that emotion he saw swimming in the older’s glazed over eyes, was something more than just simple camaraderie.
As if pulled by together by a magnet, the boys started leaning in, their gazes never once breaking. Just as their noses touched each other’s, Jongin saw a spark of recognition shine in Chanyeol’s eyes, and the older immediately scrambled as far away as possible from his best friend. “I-I’m really sorry Jongin… I-I didn’t mean to...” The debauched state Chanyeol was in sent Jongin’s guts in a tremendous fire, “N-No it’s okay, you didn’t mean to obviously.”
Smiling brokenly Jongin tried to hide the bitterness in his tone but clearly failing to do so, seeing that Chanyeol wrapped an hand on his forearm as if to ask what was wrong. Jongin shrugged the hand off and left the kitchen, this time making sure that Chanyeol was behind him at a safe distance.
What welcomed them in the living room was the gentle pitter-pattering of the snow against the window and and a bone crushing tension that filled the otherwise silent and serene room, taking a deep breath Jongin decided to break the uneasiness.
“So, what are we watching?” he asked, internally damning himself for sounding so weak and desperate, “Uh, I brought The Exorcist, it’s a classic and based on a top 10 I found on Google...” Chanyeol took out his phone from his pant’s pocket and Jongin saw him reading something on the screen, “It’s also ‘the scariest movie ever’, so it’s perfect!” Chanyeol’s enthusiastic tone didn’t exactly match with Jongin’s mood at the moment.
This scary movie thing was getting realer by the second. “Great I guess... You just had to get the scariest movie ever huh?” Jongin whined, plopping on the sofa and wrapping himself with one of the blankets, making sure that even his head was covered, that way the movie’s scary monsters wouldn’t get him.
“You know, I only choose the best for my princess.” From under the blanket Jongin rolled his eyes at the smirk he could distinctly hear in Chanyeol’s voice. “You should stop calling me that, people might get the wrong impression.”
“What if I want them to get the wrong impression?” gaping slightly Jongin peeked his head from under the blanket and with a quivering voice asked Chanyeol, “Chanyeol… What are you trying to say?”
“I-I Jongin, it’s well… Never mind. It was wishful thinking anyway.” The frustrated and disappointed tone in Chanyeol’s voice shook Jongin to the core. He didn’t want to acknowledge it, but hope was steadily blooming in his heart, hope that was quickly being crushed by Chanyeol’s disheartened gaze. The sadness that swam in the older’s chocolate orbs, prompted him to do something, anything, because something like this, isn’t meant to end this way. Never this way.
“Nonono wait, Chanyeol, explain, what do you mean?” Jongin almost fell down the sofa in his haste to understand what the hell was going on but, thankfully, Chanyeol caught him by the hand just in time.
“Huh I guess it’s time then.” Chanyeol was fidgeting on the couch and Jongin probably would’ve found it adorable, but the blood rushing to his brain and ears, made it really hard to formulate coherent thoughts.
“T-time for what?” Jongin isn’t naive he knows Chanyeol is straight, and yet, a sliver of his heart could not help but hope for his love to be requited.
Silence filled the room and Jongin noted absentmindedly that it had stopped snowing. It was just cold now, and the younger realized that like snowy days, good things come to an end, and maybe, it was time for his fantasies and hopes to end too.
Resigned, Jongin took Chanyeol’s hands into his own and squeezed them softly before asking again, a soothing tone to his voice “Yeol, it’s alright, time for what?” Jongin smiled what he hoped was a reassuring grin but probably turned out more like grimace, he really didn’t want his heart to be broken.
Watching Chanyeol take a deep breath, Jongin found himself mirroring the older, almost as a coping mechanism for the emotional hit he knew was going to come.
“Kim Jongin. We’ve been friends for years and I don’t really know when it started, but I love you.” Jongin felt like fainting, but opted for a flabbergasted gasp instead,“I know you probably don’t feel the same way, but I had to tell you. Because I really can’t stand the look that you sometimes get in your eyes, the one filled with longing and affection. Because I know it isn’t directed at me. Jongin, I want the honour of having those looks aimed at me.”
Jongin kept mum for what felt like hours, but were probably minutes, his mind a clutter of thoughts. Chanyeol had been, for all this time, in love with him? They really could’ve been together for years? If only one of them had decided to confess? Jongin wanted to cry or maybe scream, he couldn’t believe this was REALLY happening, it had to be a dream or a joke, it was simply too good to be true. He kept on gaping unattractively, his brain trying to process what
just happened, when a soft sound caught his attention.
“W-where are you going?” Chanyeol had just stood up from the sofa and was walking towards the closet, where previously Jongin had stored the older boy’s jacket. “I’m leaving… I-I understand Nini, your silence after my confession was extremely telling. Don’t worry things will stay the same, I just… Need some time to you know… Heal.”
No. No. Jongin instantly stood up from the couch and started running towards Chanyeol, the older boy had already one arm inside the jackets, and by now was moments away from leaving. Jongin could not let him do that, he had to tell him, how since the first time Chanyeol smiled at him, the Sun ended up looking bland and dim. So he jumped.
The fall wasn’t exactly a gentle one, leaving Jongin with aches all over his body, the cold parquet floor not being an exactly ‘soft surface’ to cushion his and Chanyeol’s landing. An incredulous noise brought his attention from his aches to Chanyeol’s face, the older was looking at him like he suddenly went crazy. “
Nini? What the fuck?” the angry tone in the older’s voice was unmistakable, maybe it was time for Jongin to explain himself.
“Chanyeol, I’m sorry for well, jumping on you?” Jongin cringed at his wording but continued talking anyway, “I’m also sorry for not giving you an answer, I was just so surprised you know” he adjusted himself so he was fully sitting on Chanyeol’s lap.
“I still can’t believe this is real, Chanyeol, all this time the one I’ve been in love with was you.” The surprised look on Chanyeol’s face was easily the most satisfying thing Jongin had ever experienced.
“I had those, as you said, looks filled with longing and affection, only when I thought about you. It was you all along Chanyeol. I love you and only you.” Jongin suddenly realized that he couldn’t see very well, his sight was all foggy, it was when Chanyeol reached out and wiped one of his tears away that he realized. Oh. He was crying.
“I’ve been in love with you for so long, hyung,” he tried to say in between sobs, “You’ve always been like the sun to me, so warm, I can’t bear to live without you.” Breathing hard Jongin ended his confession, “So please please please don’t leave me. I love you.”
Jongin couldn’t seem to stop crying, the tears just kept coming and coming, Chanyeol carefully thumbing each one of them away and kissing his cheeks until they were red with happiness.
Tilting his head so that his forehead was touching Chanyeol’s, Jongin decided that enough time
had been lost in why, how and what ifs, so he leaned in and kissed the love of his life.
The kiss was gentle, Jongin’s lips eagerly giving way for the Chanyeol’s tongue that passionately started mapping out the younger’s mouth, biting on his lover’s lower lip until it was red and raw. Mouths parting only to breath the couple kept on making out, Chanyeol getting gradually rougher, manhandling Jongin with his back flush on the floor, bringing a needy whimper out of the younger. Jongin keened in the kiss and when a hand reached his chest to twist his nipples, Jongin could not help but break the kiss and let a desperate sound out.
“Please Chanyeol please please don’t tease.” The older smirked at his lover’s distress and kept on twisting the nipples enjoying how the younger’s back arched off the ground and how his lover’s spit slicked and reddened lips parted to let those soft wanton sounds out.
Trailing his mouth down Jongin’s throat, Chanyeol started sucking and biting the golden skin of the younger, leaving a smattering of red and purple in its wake, Jongin whined high in his throat and hoped that those marks would stay for a long time, as a reminder of to whom he gladly belonged to. Lost in a haze of lust, Jongin didn’t pay any mind to Chanyeol’s lips that were now biting his collarbone, but suddenly came to when he felt his lover’s hands starting to unbutton his pajamas.
“Hyung w-wait, I don’t think I’m ready.” the uncertainty in his voice made Chanyeol stop in his tracks, “I’m so sorry hyung, but if you want this-” he gestured to them, “This, I’m comfortable with, at least right now.”
Jongin suddenly felt self conscious. Had he made the right decision? Or had he just fucked everything up? Anxiety started coursing through his veins, he squeezed his eyes shut waiting for the worst when, a pair of lips softly touched his.
“Honey, of course, I would never do anything that wouldn’t want me to do. We can kiss all the times you want! But only if you agree on being my boyfriend.” Relief washed over Jongin and he took some time to take in all that was Chanyeol, from his sparkling eyes, full of joy, to his wide grin. The luminous being in front of him really wanted him as his boyfriend?
“Yes Jongin, I’d love to have you as my boyfriend” Jongin blushed hard, he wasn’t planning on saying that out loud but oh well, it’s not like it wasn’t true.
“Okay then, yes yes yes yes yes!” Smiling at Chanyeol’s victorious sound, Jongin let himself be kissed again, and again and again from his lover and as snow started to fall once more, he wondered if all good things really did come to an end.