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Someone’s on his bed.
Phil senses it before he sees it.
There shouldn’t be anyone on his bed other than him.
His eyes fly open, fear almost paralyzing his body on the spot.
It’s Dan. Bloody hell.
“Good morning,” he says, smiling like Phil imagines a demon would.
“It’s too early for this,” Phil groans, rolling away from Dan and burying his face under his pillow.
“Listen, I’m out of food. I just want to eat your cereal if you’re fine with it.”
Phil lets out an exaggerated sigh. “You’re already inside my house, just take everything you want.”
Dan doesn’t answer. Phil thinks he’s already gone and tries to relax, to let sleep take over his body again.
A pair of hands grip his shoulder and his thigh making him turn and manhandle him to the center of the bed. Dan leans down, his face very close to Phil’s.
“Thanks!” he shouts right on Phil’s face before running away.
Phil throws a pillow after him. This whole thing is annoying, he knows that, but still, he can’t help the grin that appears on his face or the strange pain in his chest that feels too much like longing.
It’s too early for this.
He must have fallen asleep again because he swears he just blinked, but the next thing he sees is Dan, sitting beside him on the bed, bringing a spoonful of cereal to his mouth. Some milk dribbles down his chin. Maybe Phil should find it gross, but he just thinks is cute.
“Got lonely out there,” Dan tells him, mouth full of cereal.
Phil moves closer to him. Sometimes, he allows himself to have little things like resting his forehead against Dan’s thigh. And sometimes, even this is too much, a reminder of all the intimacy they share and all the things that they aren’t.
Together is one of those things.
He doesn’t want to think about that, though. Not right now, when Dan is here threading his fingers through Phil’s hair, letting him bask in his warmth.
“I’ll go to the store after work, promise,” Dan says, and then, in a hushed voice, like it’s a secret, “and maybe I’ll cook you dinner so you might want to stop by my apartment later,” he pauses. “Maybe.”
Phil forces one eye open.
“I’m interested.”
“I said maybe,” Dan smiles, and dimples appear on his cheeks. That is Phil’s favorite smile. “Now move, I’m gonna be late for work.”
Phil groans but rolls away from Dan.
Dan starts walking away but lingers by the door. He turns to look at Phil once more. There's a spark in his eyes and he opens his mouth like he's going to speak. Phil’s breath hatches, this moment feels like something important, but every moment feels like that to Phil. Then he’s sure his mind is just playing games when Dan smiles, waves his hand and closes the door.
Phil wants to scream. Why does he do this to himself?
Dan is his neighbor, his friend, no more. They share too much of themselves with each other and that is killing Phil, but he’d rather have these stolen moments than have absolutely nothing.
❅❅❅
The morning is dull, Phil works and drinks one too many cups of coffee. The apartment feels cold and lonely and Phil wants to know how is it possible to miss things you have never really had.
He has to meet Cornelia to give her back the bag she left at his on the weekend. The chilly London weather helps to clear his mind. Phil has a cold nose by the time he gets to the café where they said they will meet.
Cornelia is already sipping her drink when Phil arrives. He sees her across the shop and waves at her before joining the queue to order a cup of tea. If he has another coffee his heart is going to explode.
“Phil!” she greets him with a warm hug. Phil didn’t realize how much he has been needing that today until this moment.
“Hi, Corn,” Phil musses into her hair.
Phil should let go, probably, but this morning left him craving human contact and this day has so hard, even if he hasn’t been doing much at all. Cornelia rubs his back, and Phil’s sure she can tell that something’s off, but he knows she won’t ask any questions. She’s the kind of person that lets things follow their course. That just makes Phil want to let everything out.
Not that there is much to say, Phil is the one that is making a whole drama out of this situation.
Phil forces himself to let her go before he does something embarrassing, like start sobbing on her shoulder in the middle of this coffee shop.
This day has just been too much for him.
They chat for a while, get a second round of drinks. Cornelia tells Phil about her new project. She has a pretty voice, it soothes Phil and helps him get Dan and this morning and all the things that are always left unsaid between the two of them out of his head.
“Do you want to come home with me?” Cornelia asks when they are saying their goodbyes. “We can get a pizza on our way. Martyn would be happy to see you.”
“I would love to, but I already said I’ll have dinner with Dan.”
“Oh,” she raises her brow. “Like a date?”
Maybe this is the moment when he will start to sob on her shoulder.
“Not at all,” he tries to make his laugh not sound too awkward.
“No? I still can't believe you aren’t together. You look so cute next to each other,” she pats his arm with a gentle hand and gives him a comforting smile.
“We’re friends,” Phil shrugs.
“Well, I’m glad you have someone like him in your life. Having friends is important.”
Yeah, he thinks. Having friends is very important. He’s happy to be friends with Dan. Just friends.
Cornelia gives him another tight hug and lets him linger as much as he needs before they part ways.
❅❅❅
Dan’s door is unlocked. Phil lets himself in. That is a boundary that has been crossed a long time ago when Phil decided to give Dan the extra key to his apartment because he kept locking himself out.
“Hey,” Phil calls from the doorway while he takes his shoes off.
“Over here,” Dan pops up from under the kitchen counter, he's holding a tray of what looks like slices of pumpkin.
"You're actually cooking." Phil's not really surprised, Dan is an okay cook, but he wasn't expecting him to go through the trouble.
"‘Course, we should eat healthier shit."
Phil wonders when they became we . Not that he minds, he just wonders.
"Is it vegan? It looks vegan," he asks as he takes a look inside the pot on the stove.
"Roasted pumpkin soup, got the recipe from my brother."
Any other day, Phil would put on a face if only to rile Dan up a little. But today he's drained, too tired even for that.
Dan eyes him, ready to defend the vegan cuisine. When Phil says nothing, Dan raises an eyebrow in suspicion, but he lets it go after a second.
"You weren't at your apartment earlier," Dan points out instead, he turns back to the stove so Phil can't see his expression but he sounds… mad.
"Yeah," maybe, if Phil was any other person, he would milk this moment, see how much he can let Dan wonder. The petty little part of his brain wants to know if he can make Dan jealous. But he's not that person. And he's sure it wouldn't work anyway. "I went out with Cornelia."
"Oh," is what Dan says. He's still turned, very conveniently, Phil thinks. "You didn't tell me."
Phil shifts his weight from one foot to the other, "sorry."
"Not that you have to tell me everything you do," Dan rushes to add. "Sorry for being weird," he lets out an awkward laugh. "Dinner will be done soon, just have to blend this and put it on the stove for a sec."
Phil nods, confused by everything that just happened.
"Can I help with anything?"
"Get us a drink, would you?"
They do their separate things, working in silence. The dark cloud full of everything they don’t say looming over their heads again. One day it will burst all over them.
Phil brings the drinks to the lounge and turns the telly on, hoping it will distract him. Dan comes in after a few minutes have passed.
“Your food, good sir,” Dan hands him a bowl, it seems like he has forgotten their last exchange.
Sometimes, Dan confuses Phil so much. He wants to thinks he gets Dan. Dan himself has told Phil that no one understands him as Phil does, but there are days Phil is not very sure that’s true. He knows there are always new things to learn about someone, he just wishes he could know all Dan things with a simple look.
“Thanks,” Phil tries to give him a smile but he knows it’s a weak one.
Dan sits close to Phil, closer than they usually would sit to do something like eating. Dan ignores the space restriction and starts eating, his arm brushing Phil’s every time he brings the spoon to his mouth.
Phil eats, but today all feel tasteless. Still, he’s grateful Dan did this for him. Well, for both of them.
“Did you like it?” Dan asks when they have finished, he looks timid all of a sudden.
Phil loves him so much.
“Very delicious, a hundred out of ten, totally would eat here again,” Phil says, hoping to make Dan laugh. At least one of them should be happy.
Phil is rewarded with his favorite Dan’s smile.
Dan goes to push Phil’s shoulder but seems to change his mind pulling him closer instead. Phil allows himself to have this too, just as he did in the morning. Needless to say, Phil is not very good at denying things to himself -or to Dan.- Phil lays his head on Dan’s shoulder and Dan throws an arm and a leg over him, engulfing Phil in an almost constrictive embrace.
The years have turned Phil into a pretty sentimental person and he’s sure that if he lets himself think about this for long enough, he will end up crying. For now, he just wants to understand how the person that makes him so restless is also the only one that can make him feel so calm.
❅❅❅
Most days Phil is chill. He doesn’t overanalyze every interaction he has with Dan, he doesn’t think about the missed opportunities and the big secret he’s keeping from his best friend. Most days he lives his life without focusing too much on the things that make him sad. He eats at least one meal with Dan and texts him all day long, Phil would worry about being too clingy if Dan wasn’t the exact same.
It still amazes Phil, how fast they became friends. It hasn’t even been a year yet, but Phil has never felt such a connection with anyone else. It doesn’t matter how cheesy it sounds, from the day he met Dan, Phil knew he was going to be special to him.
It’s a Thursday night and Phil is cold as hell. He has the heater on and two blankets over him, but he’s still freezing somehow. He would go get himself a hot beverage, but he’s not brave enough to put his feet on the cold floor. Phil can only try to sleep.
He is trying to numb his mind when his phone vibrates on the bedside table.
It’s a text from Dan.
my heater is broken
The three dots appear.
don’t be surprised if i freeze to death tonight
Phil knows what Dan is asking for, no question needed. Phil has already established that he’s bad at denying things to Dan.
come over
Phil is fine with this, really. It’s a cold night, he could use some extra heat and he’s helping a friend in need. It's not like he spends hours daydreaming about going to sleep beside Dan every night. He’s not going to enjoy this, not at all.
The front door opens and closes, and Phil is charged with anticipation.
“Hello,” Dan pokes his head inside the room. “It’s freezing here too. The heating in this building is so shit.”
Dan enters the room, a blanket thrown over his body like a cape. He climbs over Phil to get to the other side of the bed and gets under the covers. Dan throws the blanket he brought over the two of them.
They have always been comfortable with touching each other. Phil is a very tactile person by nature and Dan likes to act like he’s not, but he enjoys a little comfort provided by human contact, even if he denies it. It’s not weird for them to cuddle and hug.
Phil’s not surprised at all when Dan pulls him closer, and he melts into the touch.
“You’re so warm,” he tells Dan, rubbing his cheek against Dan’s chest.
“And you are cold as fuck,” he pauses and puts on an overdramatic voice. “I know what you are.”
Phil snorts. The last thing he expected was Dan to reference Twilight right now, but here they are. Phil uses the deepest voice he can manage: “Say it. Out loud. Say it.”
“You’re a vampire,” Dan whispers, still in character.
It's so ridiculous Phil can't take it, he burst into laughter. “Stop!” Phil cries out and pushes Dan away.
Dan cracks up, letting out his hyena laugh -that’s also Phil’s favourite.-
“Sorry, sorry. Don’t kick me out of your bed.”
Phil rolls back towards him, it’s dark but he can still make out Dan’s smile. Dan seems especially touchy tonight, he grabs Phil and drags him even closer. Maybe he was expecting more resistance by the amount of force he puts because their heads knock together. Phil pulls back a little, hissing, but when he looks up again Dan is still right there, their noses almost touching and Phil could swear Dan is looking at his lips.
Phil stops breathing for a second. He makes a quick choice and turns into Dan’s embrace.
“Spoon me,” he says, hoping his voice doesn’t sound too strangled.
Dan lets out a puff of air that hits Phil’s neck and he shivers. If he’s lucky, Dan will think it is because he’s cold. Dan snakes his arm around Phil’s torso and tangles their legs together. Phil can feel him nuzzling against his nape.
“Night Phil.”
Dan drops a kiss on his shoulder.
“Night.”
Most days Phil tries to be chill, but Dan makes it quite difficult.
❅❅❅
Sometimes Phil goes to pick Dan up after work, just to do something fun outside of their apartments. They sometimes go to the museum, and to pretend they are cultured people, they even give each other posh names. Or they go to a coffee shop and talk about nothing for hours. Or to the movies and sit at the back, sharing a gigantic bucket of popcorn.
Sometimes Dan just wants to walk.
Phil thinks there is something bothering him but he doesn’t want to upset him by asking. So they walk in silence, Dan will tell him what’s wrong when he’s ready.
Phil goes into Starbucks to get them both a drink, Dan waits outside.
Dan seems to take those minutes alone to calm himself down.
“My mum texted me,” Dan says when Phil meets him outside again. “She asked if I’m going home for the Holidays.”
Phil waits for Dan to continue but he starts walking.
“I hate my hometown.”
Phil knows that. Dan had told him before that it only brings back bad memories every time he’s there. Phil also knows that Dan came out to his family recently and he’s still figuring out how to exist around them again. Phil wishes he could protect Dan from all the bad feelings.
“I will go, but I just want to spend the least amount of time there. The only problem is that if I stay here all alone, I will end up spiraling and hating myself for being a shit son.”
“Why would you be alone?” Phil asks, confused.
“You’re leaving to see your parents.”
Right, Phil has forgotten.
“I could stay here longer,” Phil offers.
Dan seems to consider it but he shakes his head.
“I wouldn’t want you to cut your time with your family for me.”
Phil nods and thinks about other options. Something crazy crosses his head.
“Come home with me."
"Oh," Dan stops walking and turns to look at Phil. "I wouldn't want to give you any trouble."
"You wouldn't," Phil is quick to add. "My mum would love to feed you."
Dan snorts, "nice."
"You should think about it, yeah?" Phil feels nervous, is he being too forward? Coming in too strong? He scratches the back of his head. "If that's something you would like to do."
Phil's not sure if this is a risky proposition if he's revealing too much just by inviting Dan to come home with him. Inviting him, technically, to meet his parents. He doesn't think that's weird, his parents know all of his closest friends. But maybe it is weird for Dan.
Dan gives Phil a long look before he keeps walking.
After a moment he says, "I'll think about it."
❅❅❅
Phil is on Dan's bed.
They're long past needing excuses for this to happen. They were catching up with a show they're watching together, it got late, and even though Phil lives across the hall, why not just stay over? He's already in his pajamas and Dan has a big enough bed.
Dan's on his phone beside Phil, there's a distance between them. For now, that's fine. Phil is tired, but he feels content at this moment, he's always happy to spend any time with Dan. He turns to his side, facing Dan's hip, and closes his eyes.
Phil's not quite asleep but neither completely awake. He feels the brush of something against his cheek, it’s gentle and caring and Phil craves it so much. He feels awake again, aware of Dan’s touch, Phil wants to know why Dan is touching him like this when he thinks he’s asleep and he also wants to know if Dan would stop if Phil opens his eyes right now.
Dan’s hand moves into his hair, brushing it away from Phil’s forehead and slow and steady into Phil’s neck, cupping the side of it and letting his thumb caress the skin there.
The feeling is overwhelming, Phil needs to get his answers.
He opens his eyes, challenging Dan, waiting for him to retract his hand and apologize.
But he doesn’t.
Dan just smiles.
“Did I wake you up?”
Phil should say yes. If he says no, that means he has been enjoying this. Would Dan mind? Was Dan enjoying this?
“No,” Phil whispers, looking straight into Dan's eyes, choosing to be brave.
This is another moment, one of those where Phil is left waiting for something and nothing really happens. Dan closes his eyes and Phil looks at him like asking ‘is that it?’
Dan is asleep in a couple of minutes and Phil lays beside him, with the unspoken words at the tip of his tongue.
❅❅❅
It’s not like Phil has never considered the possibility of Dan liking him back. It’s just that it sounds like a wild fantasy. When they met, Dan said he was a flirty guy, he also said he was bad at committing, he said he didn’t want a relationship. Phil didn’t really ask, it just came up in conversation after a month of knowing each other. For a full month, Phil though he and Dan were on the same page.
Dan never changed the way he acts around Phil. If anything, he became more flirty, more comfortable with touching and Phil decided to back off a little, to let Dan initiate most of the times when they touched or cuddled, hoping to keep his feelings secret and safe.
This friendship is too precious to him, he can’t let himself and his unrequited feelings ruin it.
Still, he thinks he's not very good at hiding it. It's hard to love someone and not let it show through your actions, through the way you look at them. It's hard to believe Dan hasn't noticed that Phil would move heaven and hell in a second just to make him happy.
Phil's still trying to figure out if that's unhealthy, but he reckons staring at this blank document on his computer, that won't help him at all.
He has been trying to work, but as of late, he can barely get his mind off Dan.
As on cue, Phil's phone rings beside him on the couch.
"Are you busy?" Is the first thing Dan asks when Phil picks up.
Phil looks at the work he didn't even start.
"Nope."
"Great!" Dan sounds relieved. "I'm going to send you and address can you come in like, half an hour and save my life?"
What does that even mean?
"Ummm-"
"Please, please please?"
Phil sighs. "Yeah, I'll be there."
"Brilliant, that's why you're my favorite person. Bye!"
A second later, Phil's phone dings with a new message from Dan. He sent Phil the address to some restaurant he has never been to before.
Phil would like to know, what the fuck is going on. But it’s not like he's going to let Dan down. Phil is going to show up, unknowing because Dan said Phil is his favorite person in the world and he's not about to let that change.
❅❅❅
The restaurant looks nice, they serve vegan food -of course- Phil actually enjoys it, it’s just funny to see Dan trying to 'convert' him.
Phil enters the place. Dan didn't give him further instructions, so he stands by the entrance, anxious tinglings starting to crawl up his body. Then he sees Dan.
Dan stands up and Phil starts walking up to him, not noticing the other two people sitting at the table until he's right there.
"Hi, babe," Dan says, putting his hand on Phil's shoulder.
Phil looks at him, confused, Dan might as well be an alien with seven heads right now.
"Hello?"
"Hi, Phil. Right? I'm Rina," says the girl, thrusting her hand up to Phil for an amicable shake.
"And I'm Estelle!" The other girl waves at Phil from her seat.
"Nice to meet you both," he plasters a polite smile on his face, playing along to whatever chaotic situation Dan has dragged him into.
"I have to say, you are even cuter in person. Dan showed us some pics but they don't make you justice."
"You should hear him, he's always talking about you," Rina laughs.
Phil turns to look at Dan, raising an eyebrow. "Yeah?"
"Yes, but it's super sweet. We've been wanting to meet you for a while but Dan says you're a busy guy."
"A busy guy, I am," Phil confirms, even if that's not completely true.
This is the weirdest situation Phil has gotten himself into, so far. Why would Dan lie to his co-workers? Why would he say Phil is his partner?
Phil acts like Dan's boyfriend the whole lunch, it annoys him how easy it is. They don't have to make up stories because they already spend all their time together. They don't have to force their chemistry. It's infuriating, Phil is raging by the time the two girls go to the bathroom.
"What the fuck?" is the first thing Phil says when he's sure they can't hear him anymore.
"Sorry! I can explain," Dan holds his palms out like he's surrendering.
"Well, do explain!"
"A couple of months ago, Rina started bugging me to go out with a friend of hers. I told her I already had a partner and your name just came out," he makes an apologetic face and shrugs.
"I don't even know what to say."
"Thank you for staying and playing along anyway," Dan takes Phil's hand in his. "And sorry for making you lie."
Phil looks back at him, Dan's big brown eyes warm his heart up in a second.
"I'm still a little mad," he pauses. "But I forgive you."
Dan leans even closer to Phil and knocks their shoulders together, their hands are still connected under the table.
Phil feels more relaxed for the next half of the meal. Rina and Estelle are nice and funny, they tell Phil embarrassing anecdotes of Dan at work that Phil can't wait to use against him in the future.
They ask for the dessert menu, and Dan and Phil look at the same one together. They're so full they are just going to share one.
"Chocolate cake!" Phil claims.
"You're allergic to chocolate."
Phil pouts, "mildly allergic."
"You say that now but later you'll be complaining. 'Dan my mouth is burning'" Dan says with a mocking voice, starting to lean closer and closer to Phil with each word, getting all up his personal space.
Phil tilts his head, not moving away, he puts his hands together close to his cheek, "please?"
"Aww, Dan. Let him have his chocolate cake!" Estelle says.
"I doubt you mind taking care of a burning mouth," Rina wiggles her brows.
"Oh, whatever!" Dan shrugs, pulling away, Phil can see the rosy patch on his cheek get darker.
Phil makes a victorious noise and knocks his shoulder with Dan's with a little too much force.
"Ouch?" Dan looks at him again, putting on an indignant face. "This is literal babuse."
"You two are the cutest thing," Rina chimes in.
Phil smiles at her. Dan opens his mouth to say something, but the waitress comes by and is all forgotten.
❅❅❅
Later, Dan and Phil are walking back home together. Silence has settled between them and Phil doesn't know what to do to change that.
Phil thought lunch went by like Dan wanted it to go, he was the one that said Phil was his boyfriend after all. Maybe Phil is wrong because Dan has his eyes fixed on the pavement and it feels like a barrier has been lifted, keeping Phil from seeing what Dan is really feeling.
It's better to let it go, Phil decides, he's just going to let Dan control this situation however he wants. Phil will talk if Dan asks or ignore everything if he thinks that's what they should do.
They get to their building and climb the stairs, still without saying a word. They are one step away from their doors and Phil needs to speak, to know everything is fine.
"I'll see you," Dan says before Phil can open his mouth.
When Phil wants to ask.
"Okay," he answers instead.
Phil can feel the first raindrop landing on his cheek.
❅❅❅
Phil tells himself everything is fine between him a Dan, he convinces himself it’s normal to not have heard anything from Dan in four days, even if they usually text on and off all day. It's healthy to have some time apart.
Work keeps Phil busy, he spends almost all day sitting in front of his computer, filling his mind with everything but Dan. The days go by quickly enough, but Phil knows it's not a remedy. Putting a bandage over an open cut might contain the bleeding for a while, but you'll have to rip it off eventually.
Going out helps too because he's busy worrying about not acting weird in public and avoiding all the danger that the outside world puts on his way.
The only moment when it all gets really bad -the heartache and the uncertainty- is at night, when Phil can’t numb his mind and is left staring at the ceiling trying to figure out what he did wrong. He has considered maybe Dan is feeling like he did something wrong too. Like he crossed a line and that’s why Phil has put some distance between them. Phil doesn’t want Dan to think that, but at the same time, he’s terrified of talking to Dan because maybe it was Phil who crossed the line.
Phil resigns to another night of insomnia and gets up out of bed. It’s not very late yet, just a quarter past midnight. He goes to the kitchen to get himself a drink.
Phil is sipping his water in front of the window, looking up at the night sky and contemplating moving to a planet where there are no boys to break his heart. Then, everything turns black.
The power is out, on the street and on the buildings, there’s just darkness.
After letting himself panic for a second, Phil puts his half-full glass of water on the windowsill and pats his way to his room, not without knocking a couple of things over. Luckily, he remembers where he left his phone. He turns the flashlight on and gets on the bed, Phil has watched enough horror movies to be slightly frightened, but before his brain starts bombarding him with disturbing worst-case scenarios, Phil remembers someone that is, without a doubt more scared than him.
Phil doesn’t give himself time to consider the pros and cons of going up to Dan’s, he just rushes out of his apartment in his pajamas and without shoes on. Phil gives a gentle knock on the door, not wanting to startle Dan.
“Hey,” he calls. “It’s Phil.”
There’s no answer. Phil tries the doorknob and finds it unlocked. He points his phone’s light inside. Phil doesn’t see Dan at first, but a bulge by the fridge catches his eye.
Navigating the living room with lights on is hard enough for Phil, so he's surprised he didn't trip over everything on his way.
Phil kneels beside Dan on the kitchen floor. Dan has his knees pulled to his chest and his head buried in them. Phil touches his shoulder.
“It’s fine,” Phil says, trying to be comforting.
“The power’s out,” Dan whispers with a shaky voice. He looks up to Phil, it’s hard to make up his expression with the poor lighting of the phone’s flashlight pointed up to the ceiling, but he seems relieved to see Phil.
Without warning, Dan throws himself to Phil’s arms, Phil loses balance and they both end up on the floor. It doesn’t look like Dan minds too much, he just clings to Phil tighter. Phil hugs Dan back, rubbing his back.
“Why are you here?” Dan breaths out, but it doesn’t sound like he needs an answer.
“I think you know why,” Phil says, anyway, deciding to let the truth finally come out.
He offers Dan his open heart.
Dan plants a chaste kiss on Phil’s neck. Is this what hope feels like? Does this mean Dan is offering Phil his heart too?
“Why did you get upset after lunch with your co-workers?”
Dan is nuzzling against Phil’s collarbone, making it a little hard for him to think, but Phil needs to know this.
“You know why,” Dan says too.
“I don't, actually.”
Dan pulls away and looks down at Phil with his brows furrowed.
“Are you just trying to make me say it?” Dan sits up against the fridge again.
“No,” Phil pulls up to, sitting in front of Dan with his legs crossed. “I really want to know why you were upset.”
“Well, because I have been self-sabotaging for months like an idiot. Because I knew you liked me and I still told you I didn’t want to commit like it’s normal to drop that in the middle of a casual conversation, but I was just afraid, you know? ‘cause you’re too good and I’m an asshole and despite my best attempts at making a move you like to act like we’re just mates. Like that day I went over to sleep at yours, I wanted to kiss you so badly and you just turned around, which to be fair, I was the one that pushed you away first. And then, we had lunch with Rena and Estelle and we were acting like our normal selves but they still thought we looked like a cute couple and now I’m filled with regret ‘cause I could have had it all if only I wasn’t a coward,” Dan takes a big breath after saying all of that.
“Oh,” Phil says, he’s pretty much at a loss of words. “You’re not a coward.”
“Literally not the point,” Dan shakes his head.
“Ok, but it’s important you know I don’t think you are a coward.”
Dan ignores him, “the point is that I love you! Ok? I said it. Can you stop torturing me?”
This is the moment, it seems, the one Phil has been waiting for when they finally say all the things they usually don’t. The moment when the rain starts falling over them.
Except this is nothing like Phil imagined. Phil thought the storm would come with thunder and lightning, that he would be left dripping wet and shaking, but he’s not. He’s pretty much dry right now.
“You have known all this time? And you still let me think you didn’t want me?” Phil asks, incredulous.
“What are you saying? You’re the one that acted like you didn’t want me.”
Phil looks at Dan, arms crossed over his chest and challenging brown eyes. Phil convinced himself Dan could see right through him but he was wrong. Sometimes, you have to say what you are feeling for the others to know. It clicks for Phil just at the moment the power comes back, making it all feel more like a realization. He lets himself fall to the floor again, Dan joins him a second later.
“I’m a total fool,” Dan says.
“I should have said something.”
“So should I. I felt like dying every time I thought you were going to say something more, and then you always shut yourself off. I thought I had blown any chance I had with you.”
Phil takes a frantic turn to look at Dan’s soft face, he has his eyes closed and there’s still a trace of a frown on his expression but he’s beautiful and he loves Phil back. Dan has been feeling the same all along. Phil laughs, despite all the messy feelings, he’s still happy.
“We’re such fools.”
Dan huffs beside him, he cracks one eye open and after considering, spreads one arm for Phil to curl into. He accepts the invitation, not losing a second, Phil clings to Dan’s side like he’s his lifeline. Then is when Phil feels the metaphorical rainfall, not the downpour he anticipated, but a soft drizzle that kisses his skin and leaves him tingling all over. He has forgotten it’s possible to enjoy getting rained on.
❅❅❅
Even if this is nothing new, nothing they haven’t done before, waking up next to Dan still gives Phil such a thrill, he feels like a thousand bees are buzzing in his stomach like everything has a soft, pink glow to it and he’s on top of a mountain ready to scream how much he loves Dan.
It’s impossible to contain these feelings inside, Phil has to let them out somehow, so he does what any normal person would do and sinks his teeth right on Dan’s shoulder.
Dan yelps, compelled awake by the unstoppable force of Phil’s love.
“Wot?” he asks, confused.
Phil giggles beside him.
“What was that for, you absolute beast?”
“I just love you so much,” Phil gives him a mischievous smile before jumping over him.
“Fuck,” Dan breath out, but he doesn’t push Phil away. “Suddenly, I don’t want to be subject to your love anymore.”
“Lies,” Phil says, nuzzling his neck.
Dan screeches, trying to squirm away from Phil, but he holds on tighter. Dan turns them around, crushing Phil with his body, they wrestle for a minute until Dan pins Phil’s arms over his head. Phil goes still, not minding their position at all. Dan leans closer, rubbing their noses together, Phil can feel the ghost of Dan’s lips over his, he closes his eyes. And then, Dan licks a literal dog-like lick all up the side of his face. Phil trashes in his arms, trying to break free.
“Disgusting!” Phil shouts.
“Disgusting,” Dan mimics him, finally letting him go.
Phil rubs his hand over his cheek, his tongue out in a grossed-out expression.
“Ha!” Dan barks, pointing a finger very close to Phil’s face. “That’s what you get when you mess with me.”
Phil glares at him, “I take it back, I don’t love you anymore.”
“Sorry,” Dan flops back on the bed, putting his arms behind his head and stretching his legs. “I already have your love and you can’t take it back.”
Phil sticks his leg out and gives him a soft kick. Dan’s unfazed by it, he closes his eyes, a huge dorky grin lighting up his face. Phil can’t be mad at him, he leans in and kisses his stupid face, Dan returns the kiss and for a moment time stops, all there's left is Dan and his beautiful, chapped lips. Dan runs a hand down Phil’s hair, caresses the side of Phil's face and down to his chest. Dan gives him a gentle push and Phil whines, unhappy to pull away.
"Go make me breakfast," Dan whispers into Phil's mouth before giving him a last peck.
"Ugh," Phil grunts, pulling away. "Why?"
"That's what you get when you mess with me," Dan repeats, shrugging.
Phil sticks his tongue out to Dan but stands up anyway.
"What you want?"
"Pancakes?"
"Fine," even Phil can't resist that.
He opens Dan's closet and pulls one of his hoodies out, Dan stares him up and down, unashamed. Phil puts it on and tries to wink at him, he fails and ends up blinking.
Dan is wheezing from the bed, "Stop!" He shouts while he struggles to breathe.
Phil wiggles his eyebrows. He's being totally absurd, but it’s worth it to hear Dan's laugh. Dan throws a pillow at Phil, hitting him in the face.
"Hey!" Phil picks it up and throws it back at him.
"I'm hungry!" Das says, giving up on their fight and hugging the pillow. He's the cutest most adorable person Phil has ever met. Phil just stands by the door and looks at him, mesmerized, until Dan clears his throat. "Pancakes," he reminds Phil.
"Coming right up," Phil makes an awkward bow and leaves the room, he still can't believe this is his life.
Phil goes to the living room to retrieve his phone which he has forgotten on the sofa, there's a text from his mum waiting for him. She wants to know when he's arriving home for the Holidays. He's reminded that he has yet to tell her Dan's coming.
Everything has gone too fast since the day the power went out, he has barely left Dan's side, both of them eager to make up for the wasted time.
He rings his mum, nervous and excited to tell her what's been going on in his life. Kath picks up after a second.
"Philip," she says.
"Mother" he replies, trying to sound serious and keep himself from giggling. Phil can't believe what he's about to say, it feels like years ago when he thought this was only a crazy fantasy, but now it's his reality. "My boyfriend's coming over for Christmas."