Archive of Our Own

i.
"You ever kissed anyone?" Ricky asked.

"Huh?"

They were sat on Red's bed, the week before freshman year started, playing a Star Wars video game, when Ricky posed the question. It was the kind of question that carried a certain urgency, but at the same time seemed unimportant - in the same way that the last week of summer vacation felt like sand running quickly through your fingers, but in the relaxed, hazy fashion adopted throughout the previous weeks of nothing but sunshine and endless days stretching into forever. Ricky's voice, whilst casual, had an edge of something that made Red stop and look at him; Ricky didn't look away from the screen.

"Have you ever kissed anyone?" Ricky repeated, his voice a little stronger this time. He sounded uncertain, but it seemed the words fit better in his mouth the second time he asked them.

"Uh, no?" Red frowned. He turned back to the screen and groaned as his character was shot dead.

"Hmm," was all Ricky said.

"Why?" Red asked as he respawned on the screen, "Have you?"

"No, no," Ricky's character ran across the screen to stand next to Red's, "But I want to."

"Well, yeah, I think most teenagers do," Red rolled his eyes.

"No but-" Ricky sighed and paused the game, ignoring Red's protests, "I wanna kiss someone this year. Someone… specific."

Red blinked twice, scanning through every possible candidate in his head. When he drew an unfortunate blank, he said, "Who?"

"Nini! Obviously!"

"Oh, obviously."

"I've liked her since… forever!" He stood up and began pacing the room, "And this year- This year I'm gonna make my move, mark my words!"

Red let the controller drop from his hands onto his bedsheets. His stomach was twisting in a way he didn't recognise.
"You are?"

Ricky had mentioned liking Nini before, but always in a hypothetical, out of reach sense. It had never been something concrete and tangible. Ricky had never indicated that he'd ever do anything about it. Until now, that is.

"Yes!" Ricky stopped in front of Big Red, pointing a nervous finger, "This year, this- freshman year, this is it. This is gonna be my year."

Red nodded. "Okay. Okay! That's… that's great!"

A grin split Ricky's face.

"So… what's the problem?" Red asked.

And Ricky's face fell again. He slumped back onto the bed next to Red, their shoulders bumping together.

"Well… what if I kiss her? And I'm not any good at it?"

Big Red scoffed. "You'll be fine at it."

"Yeah but… But I wanna be better than fine. I wanna be great at it, y'know?"

This made Red snort. Of course Ricky wanted to be the best at something he'd never even done. It reminded him of when they were twelve, at the skate park with their new boards, and Ricky getting frustrated every time he fell on his ass. Still, Ricky wasn't a quitter. Now he was the best skater Red knew, the product of hours and hours of practice. Kissing wasn't quite like that, Red thought. Well, unless Ricky was planning on finding a kissing substitute, or maybe practicing on the inside of his elbow.

"Like Nini would know the difference."

"Red," Ricky said, "that's not the point."

Red held his hands up in mock surrender. "Sorry! I'm just sayin'... I don't see anyway out of this problem. You just gotta…" he swung his arm in front of him, like a pirate, "get in there."

Ricky didn't say anything. He just looked at Red, a thoughtful look in his eye, a slight crease in his forehead. Red could practically see the thoughts forming in his head. And he was a little scared. Under the intensity of Ricky's stare, Red could feel his face heating up. He didn't know if Ricky was looking at him or through him, but either way, he felt like he was under a spotlight, and any move he made would be noticed.

"What?" he asked Ricky at last, as the fold between Ricky's eyebrows ironed itself out; the idea had formulated.

"I've had an idea," Ricky said, inevitably.

When he didn't elaborate, Red picked up his controller. "Does it involve us carrying on playing? Cuz I really wanna complete this level-"

"Kiss me," Ricky interrupted.

"What?"

Yeah, Red was right to be scared.

"C'mon," Ricky grinned at Red, crooked and handsome, "You've never kissed anyone. I've never kissed anyone. We can practice." When Red said nothing, Ricky tried again.
"Please Big Red," he caught hold of Red's wrist, and then paused, "We don't have to. It's just an idea."

"Wait," Red said as Ricky began to turn away, grabbing hold of Ricky with his other hand.
What did he have to lose?

"Let's try it," he looked Ricky directly in the eye.

"You sure?" Ricky frowned, "It was just an idea, you don't have to-"

"Ricky," Red stopped him, "C'mon, we've both gotta be ready for our first kisses. This doesn't count," he added quickly.

Ricky smiled at him again, warmth and teeth and round cheeks. And Red thought that if he could kiss anyone, it might as well be Ricky.

"Okay, should we-" Ricky began, leaning one way, Red mirroring him.

"Let's-" Red said as they both tilted the other way.

"Okay." Ricky put both hands on Red's shoulders, "What if I go this way, and you go that way?"

"Right," Red nodded, and began to lean forward.

Focus on Ricky's mouth, he told himself. That was his landing point. That's where he had to get to. Maybe kissing was more like skating than he thought.

Their lips met softly, gently. Red closed his eyes. The kiss was barely there - a ghostly brushing of skin - unlike Ricky's hands which still gripped Red's shoulders. Unlike the heartbeat pounding in Red's chest, his head, his hands. It was fast and heavy, and he wasn't sure how he hadn't noticed it before but, God, it was pounding. He hoped Ricky couldn't feel it shaking through his lips, a tremor that would leave Ricky dizzy at its magnitude. He wouldn't want Ricky to get the wrong idea or anything.

He pulled back slightly, far enough to look at Ricky's face, to see his eyes still closed, his lips parted a little as he breathed in deeply. Red studied Ricky's dark eyelashes, the tilt of his nose, a stray curl resting on his forehead.
Nini was going to be so lucky, Red thought, before pushing the notion away. That wasn't his opinion, obviously; it was just an objective fact. Ricky was… pretty, and, even as a straight boy, Red could admit it.

It was then Ricky opened his eyes, sunlight from the window turning his brown irises Midas-gold. Red smiled at him slightly, and something warm spread through him as Ricky gave him a small smile in return.
In the quiet calm of the moment, Red almost jumped when Ricky spoke.

"Do you… Do you want to practice some more?"

"Oh, uh," Red blinked a few times, trying to pull himself back to reality, "Yeah! Yeah, sure."

Ricky nodded, and leaned forwards again. The second kiss was more sure of itself, as if they'd both found their footing. It also felt more volatile, if that was the right word for it. Red could feel a peculiar electricity at each point his body touched Ricky's: their lips, their noses pressed into the other's cheek, Ricky's hands on Red's shoulders, Red's knee against the outside of Ricky's thigh. It was a strange type of magic that Red didn't know the name of. One he'd never experienced before, and wondered if he'd feel again after. It only lasted a couple of seconds, and yet Red thought he'd been kissing Ricky for a lifetime. Or that, given the chance, he would kiss Ricky forever.

When they broke apart this time, it was Red who kept his eyes shut. There was a tingle in his lips, spreading out to his cheeks, his eyes. It sounded exactly like the effects of his cousin's peanut allergy, but it wasn't unpleasant.

"What d'ya think?" Ricky asked, his voice barely louder than a whisper.

"Of what?" Red opened his eyes.

"Am I a good kisser?" a slight smirk played at the side of Ricky's mouth, "Or do I need more practice?"

Red swallowed, and shuffled away from Ricky a little. The hands still sat on his shoulders, a weight anchoring him to the moment. Anchoring him to Ricky, whatever that meant.

"You were okay," he lifted one shoulder in a shrug, "I mean, I don't have much to… compare it to, y'know?"

Ricky chuckled and squeezed Red's shoulders before finally letting go.

"You were good, I think," Ricky informed him, as if it were just a skating trick.

"Right," Red swallowed and nodded, "Good."

"Yeah," Ricky smiled. He picked up his controller, as if nothing had happened. "Now let's finish this level."
-

ii.
They didn't talk about the kissing practice after that, much to Red's relief, and strange disappointment. He thought that perhaps he wanted to get some more practice in, just in case, but he was too scared to ask. And Ricky didn't seem that bothered, so he kept it to himself. Besides, he'd much rather be kissing a girl than Ricky, anyway.

As weeks turned to months, and Red watched Ricky trying to build up the courage to ask Nini on a date, he wondered if Ricky even remembered that afternoon. He resigned himself to the odd sickly feeling that he was never going to kiss Ricky again, and convinced himself that he was relieved.

But through a strange twist of fate, on Halloween, he found himself sat in a circle of costumed freshmen. In the centre of the circle, lay a single empty cola bottle.

"Spin the bottle," grinned a blonde girl, dressed as a devil.

The only reason he was even at the party was because of Ricky - Ricky, who was, of course, only there because Nini was. And Red wasn't particularly mad about it. After all, a party was a party. But with everyone in costume, he found himself sticking close to Ricky, as the only person he recognised in the crowds; he didn't even know whose house this was.

So he trailed after Ricky in their matching animal onesies - Ricky as a giraffe, and Red as a bear - that they'd bought last minute from Walmart. Mostly they'd stood in the corner of the kitchen, watching people come and go, joking about some of the poor attempts that people had made, perhaps a little hypocritically. And if it had stayed like that, then maybe Red would've been fine.

But then Nini appeared, and Ricky's smile grew wider. His laugh got louder. Red watched them talk, tried to add to the conversation where appropriate, but in that moment, he mostly felt like an unwanted extra limb, dangling at Ricky's side.

And at some point a girl had called out, "Let's play a game!" and they'd gathered in the front room in a circle. Red found himself on the opposite side of the circle to Ricky, wedged between a ghost and a cat. Whenever he tried to catch Ricky's eye, to signal that maybe it was time for them to get out of there, he found Ricky's eyes trained on Nini, a few people to Red's left.

The blonde devil volunteered herself to go first, the plastic bottle spinning at break-neck speed and slowing to point at a boy wearing a black cape. She beckoned him into the centre of the circle and planted a lipsticked kiss on his lips, leaving him blushing red as the group cheered. They then retreated back to their places in the circle, and the zombie sat next to the devil girl shuffled forward on his knees to spin the bottle. The neck of the bottle passed Red once, twice, three times… before settling on the cat girl next to him. She laughed and leaned into the middle to give the zombie boy a quick kiss.

They were only two people in, and Red was not enjoying this one bit. It wasn't that he was scared of kissing anyone exactly, but the last person he'd kissed was Ricky. And that was just the two of them, alone in Red's room, instead of before an audience of giggling teenagers, baying for blood. Then again, he'd finally be having his first kiss, and the thoughts excited him. Maybe it was a little feminine to anticipate a kiss so much, but that didn't matter, really. No, this was going to be a landmark event in Red's life, and that was that.

The third girl was dressed as an angel, and when she spun the bottle, it stopped dead in front of another girl with exaggerated vampire fangs.

"Umm," she said, frowning uncertainly, "Should I spin it again or..?"

"No," interjected the ghost next to Red, "Whoever it lands on, you gotta kiss. Right everyone?"

There were several shouts of agreement from around the circle, before someone started a chant of "Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!"

"Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!" Red joined in, clapping along.

The vampire stood and walked over to the angel, kneeling down in front of her. The chanting grew louder and louder as they leaned in, culminating in screams of delight as their lips met in a quick peck.

"Gay rights!" someone shouted, and Red laughed.

Another girl dressed as a cat took her turn, and found herself kissing the ghost beside Red, who threw off his white sheet dramatically and rushed forward to meet her.
And then it was Ricky's turn. He slid forwards and glanced at Red, then Nini, before setting the bottle on its course. It spun round and round, and part of Red hoped that it landed on Nini, for Ricky's sake. Another part of him hoped that it would land on literally anyone else, although he couldn't say why.

All of a sudden, the bottle slowed and Red found himself staring down its neck; it was pointing at him.

A loud "Oooh!" rippled through the circle.

"Spin it again!" called out the zombie from before.

"No!" protested the angel next to him, "If I had to kiss a girl, he has to kiss a boy! Whoever it lands on, you gotta kiss, right?"

"Right," agreed several voices from around the room.

Ricky smiled at him crookedly. "C'mon then, Big Red."

And even though his legs felt like they were made of blocks of ice - frozen, melting, out of his control - Red shuffled forward to meet Ricky in the middle. Ricky was kneeling, and Red mirrored him, their knees touching. Perhaps Ricky could see the panic in Red's eyes, hear the butterflies running riot in his stomach, because he gave Red the smallest of smiles, and Red knew it would be okay.
Like last time, Ricky placed both hands gently on top of Red's shoulders and leaned in. Red gripped Ricky's elbows with his shaking hands, and they kissed. It was over as quickly as it started but Red felt that same odd tingle from last time, snaking up his arms and shivering down his spine. And when they pulled apart, Ricky was still smiling. Red realised he was smiling too.

They left the party soon after, when Nini disappeared with her friend Kourtney, and the boys found themselves on the receiving end of some derogatory comments. While Ricky could shrug it off and say "It was only a game, dude," Red noticed that he felt dirty on the inside, and filled to the brim with a guilt he couldn't source. He stayed over at Ricky's, but couldn't sleep for the rest of the night.
-

iii.
There weren't any more parties until new year's eve, meaning that Red didn't have to revisit the scene of his apparent crime. Not that Red even knew which house the party had been at anyway, but he thought that any house full of freshmen would make him feel like he was on trial. Either way, there were no parties - at least none that Red was invited to - so he could spend most of his time not thinking about kissing Ricky.

And that's exactly what he did. Or, at least, what he planned to do. The problem was that when he'd first kissed Ricky, all those months ago, he'd told himself to focus on Ricky's mouth. Well, that in itself wasn't the problem; the issue was that he hadn't been able to focus on much else since.

He'd catch himself watching for one of Ricky's dazzling smiles, or subtle smirks, or whispered jokes. He'd also find himself just watching. Not waiting for anything; just looking and thinking. Maybe remembering the feeling of kissing Ricky, or thinking about kissing him again. He supposed this was a normal feeling. He was straight, obviously, but if he had to kiss a boy, he'd 100 per cent choose Ricky, and there was nothing wrong with admitting that.

When New Year's Eve rolled around, Red was quietly relieved that his mom insisted on throwing a family party, and visibly overjoyed when she told him that he could invite Ricky. Ricky's text back - "sure, see u there man :):)" - had left him beaming for days.

At 7pm, guests started arriving at the house, and Red jumped up to get the door each time, hoping it would be Ricky. Every time he opened the door to another red haired cousin, he tried to keep his smile affixed, although each time it faltered a little more. Maybe Ricky wasn't coming. Firing off a text every fifteen minutes, Red settled into having his cheeks pinched by overbearing aunts and sneaking sips of celebratory champagne.

It was only at five minutes to nine that Red's phone pinged with Ricky's specific tone, and he read the short text he'd been sent: "sorry, home stuff, on my way." At nine o'clock exactly, he heard the wheels of Ricky's skateboard on the street outside, and went out to meet him. In the limited light outside, it was hard to see Ricky's face, but the flashing fairy lights around the front door revealed Ricky's red-rimmed eyes and stoney-set face; he'd been crying.

"Hey, sorry I'm late, Red," he began, but Red stopped him.

"Don't worry about it. You're here now," and he led Ricky inside.

"Ricky, hello!" Red's mom strode across the room to envelope Ricky in a tipsy hug, "Red was starting to worry that you weren't coming!"

"Mom-" Red hissed.

"Red, why don't you take Ricky down to your room? He can put his board down there, right?"

"Yes Mom," Red said, at the same time as Ricky muttering, "Thank you, ma'am," just loud enough for Red to hear.

When they reached Red's room, Ricky collapsed backwards onto the bed with a sigh. One side of his button-up came untucked from his trousers, leaving him looking lopsided and unbalanced.

"What happened?" Red asked, taking Ricky's board and setting it down on the floor.

Ricky rubbed the heels of both hands into his eyes and sighed again.

"Parent stuff."

"Oh," Red sat down on the bed next to him, "I'm sorry."

Ricky huffed a sardonic laugh and pushed himself up to sitting. "Don't be. I just kinda hoped they'd wait until after the holidays."

"Yeah," was all Red could think to say.

Ricky's phone beeped, and he quickly swiped it up off the bed. A grin replaced the dour look on his face.

"Who's that?" Red asked as Ricky began typing.

"It's Nini. She just sent me this video of a dog, look."

He held out his phone and pressed play on a video of a labrador doing yoga with its owner.

"Ha! Cute," Red smiled, but it slipped as Ricky went back to typing, "So… You and Nini… Are you guys like a… 'thing' now?"

"Not yet," Ricky admitted as he locked his phone again and dropped it back on the sheets, "But we're getting there!"

Big Red nodded. "Cool." Even though he felt the opposite of cool. It felt like a warm snake had replaced his insides, and was now squirming where his stomach used to be. Maybe it was the champagne.

"Do you… wanna go upstairs?" he asked, before Ricky could start talking about how great things were going with Nini.

"Not really. Could we just stay down here?" Ricky frowned.

"Yeah, sure. Wanna watch a movie? I got some new ones, look." He pointed to his shelf of DVDs. Ricky was the type of person who preferred to stream a movie, and Red supposed he was too, but his family still liked buying him DVDs, and he liked having them on his shelf.

"Dude, let's watch Kingsman!" Ricky said, jumping up to look at the shelf.

"Okay, you wanna set it up while I tell my mom we're staying down here?"

"Sure."

"You want any food or anything?"

Ricky just shook his head, reaching for the DVD box.

Upstairs, Red found his mom next to the stereo, looking through their selection of compilation CDs.

"Hey Mom, is it cool if me and Ricky just stay in my room and watch a movie?"

She pouted at him over the top of Now 65 and Now 71, and he noticed that her lipstick was slightly smudged. "But it's a party," she said, gesturing around the room, "You can watch a movie any time."

"I know, Mom, but-" he put a hand on her wrist, "Ricky's kinda upset and I don't think he… wants to be up here right now."

Her brow creased with worry. "Upset? What's wrong, is he okay?"

"Yeah, Mom, it's just- personal stuff, okay?"

She nodded, concern still folded into her forehead. "Just tell him that if he ever needs to talk to anyone-"

"Yes Mom!"

"-that I'm right here, okay?"

"Yeah Mom," he repeated, stepping away, "I'll bring him up later."

She put the CDs on top of the stereo. "Take care of him!"

"I will!" he called over his shoulder as he edged his way through the clusters of people, into the kitchen.

When he carefully made his way back down the stairs to his room, he was carrying a plate piled with cocktail sausages and potato chips, and a bowl of small wrapped up chocolates. Ricky was struggling the the remote, cursing it as he tried and failed again to play the film.

"Give it here," Red laughed, setting down his food on the bed. The remote was old and the buttons tended to stick, but if you pressed hard enough it worked just fine. "There." The movie started and the pair of them settled down to watch it on Red's bed.

They chatted through most of the movie, and Red watched Ricky texting his mom, his dad, Nini, through the rest of it. Mostly Nini, which made Red's ears flush warm with something a little like jealousy.

During the end credits, Ricky turned to him with a serious look. "Do you think I've really got a chance with Nini?"

"Um, yeah," Red stopped the movie and stared back at him, "Why wouldn't you?"

Ricky waved his hands around as if grasping for something intangible. "Because she's… Nini. And I'm… me."

"And what's wrong with you?" Red flicked a fragment of potato chip at Ricky's face, hitting him in the middle of the cheek, "You're funny, smart, talented… handsome… What's not to like?"

Ricky barked a short laugh. "You really think I'm all of those things?"

"I know you're all of those things," he nudged Ricky with his shoulder. "Bro," he added quickly.

Ricky studied him for a moment, lips slightly parted in a lopsided smile. His eyes were narrowed, and a small frown quirked his eyebrows, as if he were pleasantly confused. Red felt his ears heating up again, but this time it was nothing like jealousy at all.

"Thanks," Ricky said quietly.

Red swallowed. "No problem."

Ricky was still looking at him with this strange incredulity, and Red was staring back with the most neutral face he could muster. Every blink must be giving himself away, he thought. Ricky could read every twitch. He'd know what confusing buzz was clouding Red's mind, twisting in his stomach, prickling under his skin.

"Y'know Red…" Ricky began.

But whatever he was going to say was cut short by the beep of his phone. A message from Nini, and words that Red would never hear.

"What time is it?" Red asked, surprised at the sudden dryness of his throat, turning his voice into little more than a croak. He cleared his throat.

"Huh? Oh, it's 11:47," Ricky turned his grin back on Red, "Nearly 2018!"

"Woah," Red nodded, "Happy new year."

Ricky gently smacked him on the arm. "You can't say that yet, it's still 2017."

"Oh, sorry for wanting to get in early!"

Ricky giggled, falling onto his back. "You wanna go upstairs, see the new year in with your family?"

Red thought back to the bright lights and loud voices of upstairs, the claustrophobic crowds of family and friends, jumping up and down as the clock struck midnight.

"No," he said, "I'd rather stay down here with you."

Ricky nodded, and tucked his hands behind his head. "You ever had a New Year's kiss?" His tone was so nonchalant and casual that Red almost missed the question completely.

"That's a thing?" Red asked.

"That's a 'no' then," Ricky laughed, sitting up again.

"Well, neither have you!" Red pointed out, "Neither of us have kissed anyone except…" he trailed off.

Except each other.

"Okay, good point," Ricky conceded, "But at least I've heard of it."

"Whatever," Red shrugged it off.

They both sat quietly for a few moments, Red picking at fluff on his comforter, and Ricky picking up crumbs of chips on the end of his finger.

"Red, do you want a New Year's kiss?" Ricky asked suddenly, speaking almost too quickly for Red to catch it.

"With who?"

"Well," Ricky cast a glance around the room, "I can't see many options 'round here."

Realisation flooded Red's brain, like someone had switched on a light.

"Oh," he blinked, "You wanna- You want me to kiss… you?"

"Why not?" Ricky shrugged, "S'not like we haven't done it before."

"Alright," Red took a deep breath, "What's different about a New Year's kiss?"

"It's the same as a normal kiss, man. Only you do it at midnight. Like… going into the new year together."

"Right."

Going into the new year with Ricky… Red's stomach did a little flip. Of course they would be side by side throughout the year, no matter what. But to seal it with a kiss? The mere thought was dizzying, feverish. It was all Red wanted, and couldn't allow himself to want.

"You in?" Ricky raised his eyebrows, an undertone of earnest desperation that ached somewhere deep inside Red's bones.

"I'm in," he whispered.

In the room above, they heard Red's family counting down to midnight.

"10! 9! 8!"

The boys shuffled closer to each other, Ricky's hands once again finding Red's shoulders.

"5! 4!"

Red's hands landed on Ricky's knees. They stared at each other.

"1!"

He felt Ricky yank him forwards and their lips met once more.

"HAPPY NEW YEAR!"

Or, at least, that's what it sounded like they said; Red couldn't hear properly over the blood rushing in his ears like a tidal wave. His head filled with the sound of his own heart, beating hard enough to shake the earth. He felt frozen in spot, stuck to Ricky at the point where their mouths met, like a kid stuck by his tongue to a popsicle. It must have only lasted for a couple of seconds, but these were seconds that unravelled into minutes, hours, days.

They sprang apart at the sound of footsteps on the stairs, one of Red's aunts calling "Boys come upstairs!"

"I should probably go and say happy new year to my mom and dad and, y'know, everyone," Red pointed upstairs.

Ricky nodded quickly. "Yeah, you go ahead. I should call my parents or something."

"Okay," Red stood up and walked to the stairs. He stopped with one foot on the bottom step. "See you up there?"

"For sure," Ricky smiled softly, "Happy new year, Red."
-

iv.
And it seemed like perhaps it would be a happy year. Red and Ricky spent most of their time at the skate bowl, perfecting tricks and creating new rips in their jeans. When Valentine's day rolled around, Ricky formulated a twelve step plan to ask Nini out, only to chicken out at the last minute. Red hid his all encompassing relief behind jovial exasperation, rolling his eyes and calling Ricky a coward.

He couldn't work out why he didn't want Ricky to actually date Nini. After all, Ricky was his best friend, so why wouldn't he want him to be happy?

A few sleepless nights in March led him to the conclusion that he must like Nini too. She was funny, smart, talented… pretty… What was there not to like? At this realisation, guilt twisted up into his throat, and all at once he felt like the worst friend on the planet. He was washed out and irredeemable. He was a traitor, committing the worst kind of betrayal - an invisible one. He'd never tell Ricky he liked Nini, or even do anything about it, but carrying around the weight of this secret seemed almost unbearable from the start. For a few weeks, he couldn't look at Ricky without feeling nauseous.

During spring break, Red invited Ricky over for a movie marathon. After two movies and dinner with Red's family, they decided to call it a night.

"I can't believe we only made it through two movies," Red exclaimed again, climbing into bed.

"Hmm, yeah," Ricky stifled a yawn as he lay down on the airbed.

"Maybe we can watch another one tomorrow," Red switched off the light.
"Yeah, maybe."

In the darkness, they both fell quiet, just listening to the other breathe. It was an anticipatory silence, the kind that was meant to be broken - each waiting for the other to speak, even if there was nothing to say.
Just as Red closed his eyes, ready to say goodnight, Ricky spoke. His voice was thin and wavering, like he was scared of how his words might land.

"Have you ever thought about guys?"

Red's eyes flickered open and he sat up.
"What about them?"

"Like…" Ricky sighed, "Like the same way you think about girls."

Girls… What did he think about girls? They were nice for sure. Sometimes they were pretty, and Red felt warm inside when one smiled at him. But other than that… He supposed he didn't really think about them much at all. He liked girls in theory, but the truth was that Nini was the first crush he'd ever had.

Did he think about guys that way? Well, he'd certainly thought Ricky was pretty, but maybe that was just because they were friends. There was that older boy he saw at the skate park, face made up of sharp angular lines, that Red had thought was attractive in the same way that people thought harshly cut diamonds were appealing. And maybe he liked listening to Shawn Mendes sometimes, not just for the music.

"No, not really," he told Ricky, because there was truly nothing comparable about his feelings.

"Hmm," was all Ricky said, and the air filled with unspoken words, potential questions that they each wanted so desperately to speak.

At last Red asked, "Do you?" although he was sure he already knew the answer.

He heard Ricky sigh, shift on the airbed.

"Maybe," Ricky answered, "I- I don't know."

"Hmm." Red lay back down gently.

"Look, this is probably gonna sound really stupid, and you can say no if you want to but… Could I try something?" Ricky stood up and Red could see his silhouette, an outline of a boy with uncertainty in the middle.

"Sure," Red watched as Ricky slowly walked to the side of his bed.

He raised himself up to sitting as Ricky stopped and asked, "Can I- Can I kiss you again?"

The inside of his mouth felt like it was made of plastic, and there was a familiar heat in his ears, and he said, "Sure," again, as if it were the only word he knew how to say.

The bed dipped slightly as Ricky knelt on one knee and leaned closer. Instead of placing two anchoring palms on Red's shoulders, his left hand cupped Red's face, warm and a little sweaty. Red felt his breath fanning over his face, and it smelled like Red's toothpaste. Just the thought of it made his chest feel light and airy. In the dark, he couldn't see Ricky's face properly, but he could picture it, like a puzzle, putting together his wide brown eyes, the slope of his nose, his lips slightly parted and his eyebrows slightly raised. And he couldn't see Ricky's eyes close, but he felt the flutter of his eyelashes against the side of his nose, as Ricky kissed, not his lips, but his cheek. The touch was short and soft. Ricky kissed him again, still on the cheek, but closer to his mouth. Red thought he might melt. The third kiss found the corner of Red's mouth, and he couldn't wait any longer; he turned his head to crash his lips against Ricky's, tidal wave on a beach, and it felt so wonderfully familiar.

They kissed again, and again, like coming up for air whilst swimming. Red's hands found Ricky's pyjama shirt and hung onto it like a life ring, or an anchor, or Ricky. All the blood rushed to his head, and he thought maybe he might drown in this moment; if this was how he went, my word, he would be thankful. It was just kissing, sure, but in the warm spring air it felt like the start of something new. The start of something right.

He tried to hide his disappointment when Ricky pulled back, the sweaty heat of his hand disappearing from Red's cheek, unhooking Red's fingers from his shirt. Ricky stood, and in the dim light, Red could've sworn he saw a frown.

And Red had a million questions, at least half of them witty wordplay - What was the verdict? Did Ricky like boys? Was he, Big Red, even a sufficient representative of boys as a whole? Did Ricky wanna come back and do that again? But any words stuck in his throat, and he couldn't quite catch his breath.
He waited for Ricky to say something - anything at all - to give him an idea of what the hell to do next.

"Cool," was all Ricky gave him to work with.
His silhouette retreated and Red heard the creak of his airbed as he lay back down.

"Cool…" Red echoed, his hand moving almost of its own volition to touch his lips, the empty space where Ricky had been only moments before.

"Goodnight Big Red."

And Red sat for a few moments longer, listening to the silence filled with words that had gone stale before he'd even spoken them.

"Red?" Ricky called out.

"Yes?" he replied almost instantly.

"You goin' to sleep?"

"Um," Red shimmied himself down under the covers again, lying flat on his back, "Yeah."

"Okay, goodnight."

He blinked at the ceiling a couple of times, head spinning even though the world was still.

"Night Ricky."

And, as with each time before, that night remained unspoken between the two. Red revisited it often; at first he wondered what it all meant for Ricky - what had he concluded? Did he like dudes? But eventually he started to wonder what it meant for him.

So he liked kissing boys, or at least, he liked kissing Ricky. And maybe, just maybe, he wasn't that interested in girls at all. Sure, he'd told himself he liked Nini, but, well, that was just it; he'd told himself, instead of actually feeling whatever it was he was supposed to feel. When you laid out all the facts, the answer to this equation seemed pretty obvious. He didn't think about boys the same way he thought about girls; he thought about them the way he was supposed to think about girls.

Big Red was gay.

If asked later on, he would swear that he'd always known, really. That even as a child he'd known. But the truth was, this was a revelation of enormous proportions. It felt huge, dramatic, dangerous. It sat on his shoulders like heavy rocks, in the same spots that Ricky's hands had rested.

And the worst part was that he didn't know where to put it all down. What was he supposed to do with this revelation? How was he going to tell everyone that he was not the person they thought he was? Or, even worse, not the person that he thought he was.

So he carried it around with him, decidedly closeted, and so very far from being at peace with it all.

He knew he had to tell people eventually. In fact, he hypothesized that maybe being accepted by others would make him feel like less of an imposter.

The first person he told was himself. A whispered confession in the bathroom mirror, over and over until the words sounded fake, and any meaning was drained from them. At least he was no longer afraid of what his own reflection had to say.

As summer approached, he told his family in a letter. He left the letter on the kitchen counter before he went to the skatepark with Ricky; he packed an extra set of clothes in his backpack, just in case. When he checked his phone, he had 10 missed calls from his mom, including 3 voicemails telling him that she loved him, and a text from his dad: the thumbs up emoji.

Logically, the next person to tell would be his best friend. There was no way Ricky would completely reject him for coming out, he reassured himself. Then again, what if Ricky felt like Red had betrayed him? Each time they'd kissed, it was under the assumption that they both straight, aside from that last time. What if Ricky thought that Red had manipulated him somehow? Just the thought made Red feel unclean and irredeemable.

Equally, he thought, it would be just as unfair to not tell Ricky. They were best friends, and something as perspective-shifting as this, in Red's opinion, should be shared. Regardless of any consequence. Yes, he had to tell Ricky.
The only problem was: when?
-

-i.
An opportunity seemed to present itself when Ricky texted Red, asking if he could come over because he had some big news. Red had said, "Of course," and then, "I have some news too!"

He sat on the edge of his bed and waited, feeling every ounce of adrenaline that was pumping through his veins.

When he heard his mom shouting, "Red, Ricky's here!" he clenched and unclenched his fists. When Ricky's footsteps sounded on the stairs, excited and rhythmic, he inhaled deeply. This was it. Make or break.

"Red!" Ricky shouted, the grin apparent in his voice, "Oh my God, I'm so happy!"

"What? What is it?" Red jumped up to stand in front of Ricky, who took an exuberant hold of Red's elbows.

"I finally did it!" Ricky was bouncing on the balls of his feet, up and down and up and down, "I asked Nini on a date!"

And Red felt the room start to spin, round and round and round, like a carousel that had just been set in motion.

"Wow," he tried a smile. The only things keeping him rooted to the moment were Ricky's hands, always keeping him grounded.

"And she said YES!" Ricky beamed, squeezing Red's arms as if to emphasize the "yes".

"Dude," Red began, even though his tongue felt heavy in his mouth and his blood had run cold. "Dude, that's… That's awesome!"

"I can't believe it!" Ricky gushed, releasing Red's arms and striding around the room, "She said yes!"

"Yeah!" Red tried to inject some enthusiasm into his voice; even if it felt so strangely soul-crushing to hear, he still had to be happy for Ricky… Didn't he?

"Okay, okay," Ricky tried to calm himself, perching on the edge of Red's bed, "Didn't you say you had some news too?"

Just like that the heavy and dull beat of Red's heart switched to a rushed hummingbird rhythm, full of anxiety about the confession he'd been planning to make just moments ago, although it already felt like a lifetime had passed.

"Uhh, I don't… remember?"

Ricky pulled out his phone and opened up their messages. "Yeah, you said you had some news too. So what is it, what's up?"

"It's-" his mouth was dry and his mind was blank, "It's nothing, honestly."

He watched the slight frown cross Ricky's face, as if doubting what Red was telling him. But whether he believed it or not, he dropped it - "Okay then," - and the goofy, sunshine smile was back on his face.

"She said yes," he sighed, falling backwards.

"Yeah," Red said again. 'Yeah,' because Ricky had asked Nini. 'Yeah,' because he hadn't asked Red. 'Yeah,' because that's what Red would've said, if he had. 'Yeah,' because Red had nothing else to say, nothing else that would hold back the 'No, no, no, no,' hiding in his throat.

Still, he'd gotten away with it, he supposed. Whatever 'it' was.

The result of Ricky's news, the domino that toppled the next one, and then the next, was that Red found Ricky less available throughout summer vacation. They still hung out, but often Nini would be there too, as if she were attached to Ricky's hip. Even if it was only Red and Ricky, Red still found her presence woven into every conversation, as Ricky recounted a date they'd had, or told Red again about how good Nini was at singing. You couldn't have Ricky without an added side of Nini. It would've been easy to resent her if she weren't so nice.

Yes, Red would tell himself when he couldn't sleep, the problem was that Nini was too nice. And it wasn't that Red was in love with someone who was head over heels for someone else.

As the months passed, Red tried dating boys over the internet - long-distance, text message affairs that never worked out. They all either wanted too much from him, or less than he was trying to give them. And they all looked a little too much like Ricky.

No one else knew about these relationships; they were all so short lived, but added up to a secret lasting at least six months. Logically, he knew there was nothing wrong with it - dating boys his own age online. But still he held his tongue and pretended that he was trying oh so hard to get a girlfriend.

In the spaces between relationships, he would sometimes even go on dates, set up by Ricky or Nini, with girls that were about as interested in him as he was in them. The only date he enjoyed was with Nini's friend, Kourtney, who seemed to be going through exactly the same thing as he was: they both realised there was no more Ricky, or Nini, but RickyandNini, as a singular entity. And although they both agreed that they should be happy for their friends, it didn't half suck.
-

+i.
On Ricky and Nini's anniversary, Red watched the video that Nini had posted on Instagram with a sour taste in his mouth. By now he'd learned to swallow down his jealousy with a splash of denial, insisting to himself that he simply wanted his best friend back. It was nostalgia, maybe, mixing into a selfishness that he previously hadn't been aware of. But even quickly swallowing the envious green didn't erase the strong aftertaste that coated his tongue, reminding him of what he didn't have.

Yes, they were a perfect couple. He'd seen them together enough to know that they were strong and happy as a combination. They were the other's missing puzzle piece. And Red wasn't a part of the picture.

So when Ricky and Nini went on a "break", Red was shocked. He was even more surprised to hear that it had been Ricky's idea. Ricky wouldn't talk about it, telling Red that it was just for the summer, and Red nodded along as if it were a completely normal thing to do.

And as summer passed, he sat and listened to Ricky talk about Nini, he watched Ricky hanging out with new girls, only to never see them again, and he smiled in the right places. He smiled regardless of any aching longing that shifted from his throat, to his chest, to between his ribs, and his stomach.

It was a long summer, only made longer by the drag of Ricky's conversation as it looped around again and again to wondering what Nini was doing, and decidedly not asking her. And Red smiled less and less, but Ricky didn't ask him about that either.

Starting junior year was rough, although that was mostly down to Ricky expecting Nini to have waited for him, and finding her to have moved on. It took a lot for Red to stop himself from asking her how she managed it so easily when he'd been trying, and failing, for years.

Despite everything Red had said, Ricky had joined the musical in an attempt to win Nini back, entangling Red in the process. And even though he was only there in the first place because of Ricky, Red felt, for the first time in a long time, like something other than Ricky's extra limb. He was more than Ricky's yes-man, and wow, it felt good.

A few nights before homecoming - an event Big Red decidedly chose not to attend every year - the pair were sat on Red's bed, flicking through their trig homework. Red couldn't concentrate, and Ricky kept scratching his left eyebrow, something he did when his mind was far away.

"You alright dude?" Red asked.

"Yeah, yeah," Ricky dropped his pencil and rubbed his hands over his eyes, "I'm just… I'm thinking about homecoming."

"What about it?"

"Do you wanna go?"

"Huh?"

Ricky was looking at him intently. It felt a little like being hunted by a large cat.
"Do you wanna go to homecoming?"

Frowning, Red began to colour in the corner of his workbook. "You know I don't go to homecoming."

"Yeah, but," Ricky leaned forwards, "What if you came this year? With me."

Red froze. There was a light buzzing in his ears, like radio static in his head. This had to be a joke. The thought sent prickles up his arms and a shiver down his spine.

"Is this a joke?" he refused to look up, because he knew he'd be blushing furiously.

"A joke? Why would it be a joke?" Ricky sounded genuinely puzzled, and Red dropped his guard slightly.

"Doesn't matter."

"Doesn't it?"

Red shrugged, one shoulder raising higher than the other. "I don't know man, it's just… I wouldn't want people to get the wrong idea, that's all."

"The wrong idea?" Ricky snorted, "What, like we're dating or something?"

"Yeah," Red began nodding and found he couldn't stop, "Yeah, exactly like that."

There was quiet for a moment. At the edge of Red's field of vision, he saw Ricky chewing on his lower lip for a few seconds, as if ruminating on Red's words.

And then: "What would be so wrong with that?"

Red's head snapped up so fast that he heard a crack in his neck. His heart was racing like he'd just run a marathon.

"I- I-" he tried, but the words wouldn't form the way he wanted them to.

Ricky continued, "I mean, there's nothing wrong with- with two guys, right? Like, it's just a normal thing. And anyway, we'd just be going as friends, so- So it's not like anyone would even think that we were-"

"Friends?" Red finally choked out, his voice hoarse.

"... Yeah, y'know, bros. Like, me and you, we're bros," Ricky paused, "Did you think I was asking you in a- like a, uh-"

"In a gay way?" Red asked.

"Um, yeah."

"You weren't?" Red felt almost hysterical, like he could just start laughing and never stop, even though this was the opposite of funny. His fingers twitched.

Ricky was quiet, eyes glued to the math questions as he asked, "Did you want me to?"

And there was the question. The one that drowned out any other noise in the room, in the house, in the world, so that all Red could hear was his own breathing. This was it, he supposed. It was time to come clean. He squeezed his eyes shut, and it was only when he opened them again that he realised he was trembling.

Did he want Ricky to ask him to the dance, as his date?

"Yes," he whispered, meeting Ricky's wide brown eyes.

And Ricky nodded once. Then twice. A third time. Almost in slow motion, he leaned across the bed, across their homework, across any previous boundaries, and kissed Red softly on the mouth. It had been over a year since they had last kissed, but it still felt as familiar as ever.

This kiss was different though. It was not to try, or test, or practice, or anything like that. This was a kiss for the sake of kissing, and the thought bubbled in Red's stomach, warm like he'd swallowed a ray of sunlight.

"Cool," Red said as Ricky pulled back.

He watched Ricky chuckle, a smile tugging at the edge of his own lips.

"Cool," Ricky echoed, "It's a date."

Red brought their lips together again, homework forgotten. He kissed Ricky because he could now. Because he was allowed. And at last the ever present feeling of pessimism dissolved, replaced by an overwhelming happiness, alongside a sense of anticipation, a sense that whatever happened in the future would be wonderful.

As Red broke the kiss this time, he gave Ricky a crooked smile. "I don't actually know how to dance," he admitted.

Ricky laughed. "I guess I'll just have to teach you."

"I guess you will."