Work Text:
[Season 124/Year 2009, Early Autumn]
The calendar says it's only been three days since Marisa left on her trip to Makai, but without her daily visits you've already started to lose a solid sense of time.
You've swept the pathways of the shrine and taken care a few household chores, but that's where your productive streak ended. You'd told yourself many days ago that you would catch up on repairs to the shrine with all the free time Marisa's absence would provide. But now that you're faced with actually doing the work, it doesn't seem so important. The shrine is holding together well enough despite the door that catches, the leaks and missing shingles. Your tea break has lasted far longer than the tea has stayed warm. Maybe you'll get to the work tomorrow.
For now, you found yourself resting your head on the table, flicking at old crumbs with one hand. At least it's better than what you were doing yesterday, which was mostly laying on your back staring at the ceiling. Something small inside you screams to read a book so you're at least doing something, but you're just not in the mood for any of the ones you own. Going to the village to pick up a new one seems far too daunting to you.
It's really so much easier to just ignore that voice.
From behind you, the silence is interrupted by the subtle but - unfortunately - familiar sound of space splitting apart. You sigh and keep your head buried in your arms. Maybe if you pretend you don't notice her, she'll leave.
"Hello, Reimu." Yakumo Yukari's voice sounds as pleasant as always. It immediately raises your suspicions, but then, everything about Yukari raises your suspicions. What is she after this time? You bet she's going to use you to help clean up another mess in Gensokyo. Part of you really hopes it's the case.
You sigh again, just to make sure she hears it, and turn to face her. Yukari isn't even all the way inside the shrine; her upper half is projecting from the gap she made, her elbows propped on the tear in space and supporting her smiling face. She's wearing her purple gown, which you hope is a sign she's not planning on dropping in all the way.
"What do you want, Yukari? Shouldn't you be asleep?" You may not know what time of day it is but at least you know it's still day.
"It would be pretty rude of me to stop by and say 'hello' during my usual hours, wouldn't it?" She's all smiles, but you're just waiting for the other foot to drop.
"I really don't believe you of all people are that worried about being rude. Have you ever, once, knocked before entering? Or even used the front door at all?"
She doesn't even noticeably pause before finding a way to deflect. "Just think of it as a favor; you don't have to let the heat out to let me in."
"And I wouldn't have to let the heat out if I didn't let you in at all, either." This banter is getting nowhere, but at least it's something to do. This is the first time you've talked with anyone in days. But you don't want to think about that. "Why are you here?"
She briefly puts on a face of being taken aback by the question. "Didn't I just say? I wanted to have a chat with a friend. How are you doing, Reimu?"
Of course you don't believe that's her motivation for a second. "Fine, until you dropped in unannounced." You rest your head in your arms again.
"Oh, is that so?" She asks. "I can come back another time if that'd be better."
"I-" You start protesting her offer, but before you get more than a word out you already start questioning why you'd bother. "Just do whatever you want, Yukari." She always does anyway.
"See you tomorrow, then." You hear her say, and then silence.
You sigh into your arms again. You've lost count of how many times you've done that today. You look over your shoulder to make sure she's gone. Confirming that she is leaves you feeling a little upset. Clearly her sudden visit has left you frustrated and on the wrong foot.
Maybe tomorrow you'll be busy doing some work so you'll have an excuse to tell her to leave.
Maybe tomorrow.
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It's the third day in a row that Yukari has come to visit you, but it's the first time in a while that she's actually stepped inside the shrine. She's dressed in her official regalia, and two cloth bags drape from her arm. You recognise them well enough to know this means she's brought food. You like to think you resent such blunt attempts to ply you with gifts, but after most of a week of plain rice and pickled vegetables, you suppose there are worse ways for her to visit.
"Yukari." You acknowledge her presence while trying to hide your interest.
"Hello again, Reimu. I brought something for us." She smiles as she closes the gap behind her. She always smiles when she visits.
"Yeah, I can tell. I'm not going to complain about you trying to bribe me again, but I'm beginning to question your vaunted wisdom."
"Oh, this isn't a bribe," she says with a hint of laughter. "I'm going to be putting you to work."
You knew she was after something. Your heart drops at the confirmation, though, which surprises you. Were you really hoping that Yukari was just being pleasant these past days? "What is it you want this time?" Best to just get an answer here and start worrying about that.
"I thought we might bake a pie together." This is not the answer you were expecting. "It's much a much easier task with two people, and making something with my hands has always cheered me up."
You sit dumbfounded as she moves to the kitchen and starts emptying the bags. This request is blatantly not for Yukari's sake; if she wanted help baking, she had Ran. If she wanted to soften you up, she'd just bring the pie. Was she actually here to give you a task to "cheer up", or was there some angle you missed? Youkai don't show up just to help you; they're always after something, even if it's just your sake.
"Come on, Reimu." She's looking back over her shoulder at you, peeling an apple with a knife you don't recognise. "I'll tell you what you need to do."
Whatever the angle, your stomach is telling you to get up and start helping. You follow her into the kitchen and she immediately directs you to some of the containers from the outside world. As she continues peeling and dicing the apples, she leads you through the process of measuring and mixing wheat flour and other ingredients with your hands to make a dough. It's a sticky process, but the rhythm of mixing and the changing textures under your hands are soothing. Almost hypnotic.
Yukari interrupts your reverie. "I've been using this recipe for about fifty years, you know."
"Yeah, yeah, you're old. This isn't news." You look over at her as you work and see she's mixing the apple slice mixture in a bowl with a wooden spoon. Of course Yukari wouldn't get her own hands dirty.
"Oh, but I meant that this is one of the newer things I've learned to make. There's been a real culinary flourishing in the outside world these past few decades. If you want, I can bring you recipes and ingredients instead of finished food if you prefer."
The thought of having to work for your bribes seems too daunting, even as you find yourself actually enjoying the process in this moment. "I'd rather take the food, thanks. Or, well, you could do both, you know?"
"Maybe if you could afford to pay me back for any of this I could," she says, smiling viciously at you. Yukari's teasing doesn't bother you as much as the immediate dashing of your hopes of doubling the gifts from her.
Yukari returns to directing you, having you flatten half the dough into the pan to take the filling while the other half is flattened for the top. She uses the knife to make some decorative incisions. You've never done this before, but you do know what a pie looks like when it's done, and the tasks make sense as they come together. As you light the oven and place the pie inside, you find yourself with a comforting sense of satisfaction. You hadn't realised until you felt it just now how long it's been.
But after you finish cleaning up, the distractions are over, and you're left with questions again. "Shouldn't you be bothering Yuyuko or something? Instead of bothering me?"
"I have been visiting her, in fact, and Yuyuko's doing just fine." She pauses for just a moment, her face subtly drooping with concern. "You, on the other hand..."
"I don't need... I didn't ask you to try to help me." You look down and to the side on instinct. Her comment stings, and you don't want her to see the reaction. "You make me sound like... a burden. I don't like it."
"Reimu, you're not a burden." She reaches out and places a hand on your shoulder. "You're my friend, and I'm more than happy to help when you need it."
There she goes again. You brush away her hand and look back at her. "...you keep saying that word, but, since when are we 'friends'?"
She pauses and looks up to think before answering, her hand resting thoughtfully on her chin. You're not used to her having to put thought into her responses. It worries you. "Well, I've considered us friends for years now. Since not long after we met. If you want me to put a date to it, I'd say it was the autumn of the Eternal Night incident."
You're not sure what to make of this. Part of you is still sure that Yukari's definition of "friend" is something closer to "useful tool" than anything you'd like. But her actions this week and the thought she put into that answer lead a growing part of you to question that. She would have to keep a tool functioning, but she didn't have to work at making one happy.
"So, what?" you ask, uncomfortable with dwelling any more on the idea that Yukari's gestures of affection over the years might have been genuine all this time. "You were keeping tabs on me and Marisa, and you figured I'd, what, be a mess with her gone?"
"It's understandable. She's your best friend, isn't she? Not to mention your lover."
"She's-!" You feel a surge of anger at Yukari's blunt assessment of your relationship, but it fades almost as fast as it appeared. She's not wrong. "That's... none of your business."
"I didn't realise that was supposed to be a secret. If so, you're doing a very poor job of hiding it." She's back to teasing you, but now you're left wondering what that means.
Before you can respond, she continues. "I never thought I'd find you a mess, just that you'd be having a rough time. If it makes you feel any better, every time I've come to visit you've been fully dressed. That's better than how I handle my down periods."
You'd normally scowl at a comparison to Yukari, but if she's going to readily admit you're better than she is, you'll take the opportunity to feel a little smug. "You're really going to compare me to your lazy, hibernating ass?"
"You and I aren't the only two in Gensokyo to share this. You know several of them, yourself. Many of us, for whatever reason, have to deal with this mental fatigue that gets in the way of us getting up and just doing things, even ones we want to do. That saps the life out of enjoyable experiences. Does this sound familiar at all?"
It does, but you don't like that fact at all. "You really think you know me so well, don't you."
"Reimu, I've known you most of your adult life. And I remember more people than you'll ever know. I would like to think I'm at least a decent judge of your character."
You're more than a little annoyed she had a good answer to that. But she always has an answer to everything.
"So what am I supposed to do, just bake something whenever I'm feeling down?"
"There are lots of ways to express creativity. I've seen your ofuda up close. You're an expressive calligrapher. Have you considered taking up ink painting?"
The thought had never occurred to you. Painting was something you figured was best left to those who were good at it. "I'm not exactly a painter..."
"It doesn't have to be good. It just has to be you. Don't worry about the results and just make something for yourself. Make something for Marisa, if that's easier for you. Or you could write. You're young, but your life is dense with experience from which to draw inspiration."
The thought of either of those ideas fills you with a little anxiety. "...what do you create?"
"Many things. For one, who do you think designed the clothes I'm wearing right now?"
You'd literally never given that question any thought in your life. "I see what you mean by it not having to be good."
"Oh, hush," she replies, waving a hand at you dismissively but smiling all the same. She's always smiling when you see her. It's one of the many reasons you're always suspicious of what she says. But now part of you wonders if some of it is genuine. If she just genuinely enjoys the company.
You don't want to think about this right now, either.
"So..." You say just for the sake of restarting conversation.
"Oh, are you kicking me out?" Her smile shifts into a sly grin. "Of course, I'm not going to let you have the whole thing, so I'll be back when the pie's done."
"No! No, you can stay." You're immediately embarrassed by how desperate that came out and you wince, blood rushing to your cheeks. But to your surprise, no teasing comes your way. Just another smile.
You have to say something to recover from this. "You can... tell me about more of the things you do. To feel better."
"I would be delighted," she says. You find yourself having to hide a smile in return.
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Yukari has been visiting you for a little over a week now. She just pops in for a chat most days, and you've found yourself actually missing her on the days she doesn't stay. You'll be so relieved when Marisa gets back next week and everything can return to normal.
Today is one of the real visits. But she doesn't stay in the shrine for long, and neither do you. After advising you to dress warmly, she opens a gap for the two of you, and you find yourself on a flat ledge high on Youkai Mountain. You're above even the Moriya shrine. The wind whips your hair and you feel a chill on your face, but it's not uncomfortably cold in the early afternoon air.
You find yourself staring at the view. All of Gensokyo is visible from here, and much more. You instinctively know the location of the Barrier, and the untamed hills and bright orange forests beyond it stretch beyond sight. You try to find the familiar sights of the shrine and the village from above, but you can't find them. You must be on the other side of the mountain.
"How is it?" Yukari asks, and as you turn to face her you see she's laid out a blanket for the two of you. She pulls out a basket and a bottle from a gap as she continues. "I wanted to give you a view you might never have seen before."
"I haven't." The only time you've been close to this high was flying to face Sanae and Koishi on the other side of the mountain. "Is this Tengu territory?"
"I won't tell them if you won't," she says with a grin. She opens the basket to reveal a pile of mochi. She pats the blanket on the other side of the basket from her. "Come on, sit down."
You sit and face away from the peak to get the best view. You reach into the basket and pull out a mochi, pausing to look at it before you bite. "Did you make these without me?"
She lets out a breath of a laugh at your concern, which makes you scowl. "No, I got these from Youmu. She sends her regards to you, by the way, and says you're always welcome to visit."
"So, what, are you telling everyone I'm having a 'rough time'?" You take a bite of the mochi to deal with the rising feeling of anger. It helps. Youmu is an excellent cook.
"Don't worry, of course not. I merely told her whom I was sharing them with. She probably just misses you, you know? She seems rather fond of you, in her own way."
You keep eating the mochi so you don't have to respond as your anger deflates.
Yukari looks ahead as she talks. "Company is a wonderful help. When good it can be all the support we need, and even at the worst it's a way to distract yourself from the worse feelings. But it's also important to get a change of scenery when you're in a rut, like we're doing today. Maybe you should take Youmu up on her offer. Yuyuko would love the company for her part, as well."
You give Yukari's words some thought. You don't know if you're feeling good right now, but it certainly beats another day sitting in the shrine. You'll take that.
"Do you give yourself any changes of scenery while you're moping all winter?"
She laughs and continues staring ahead as she responds. "Sometimes. Not as much as I should. But just because I don't live the advice myself doesn't mean I don't know it's for the best."
As you reach to grab another mochi, she turns to face you. She leans in and places a gloved hand on yours. "There will be good days, and bad days. Good weeks, and bad weeks. There will be bad months, even bad seasons. But there will always be good days again at some point. Even in your worst periods, even if you can't remember why life's worth living, please remember that. Hold onto it."
She's staring at you so intently as she says the last bit that you reflexively look away. It's clearly something she thinks vitally important for you to remember, above all the other advice she's given you. She almost sounds sad as she says it.
"Yeah... okay, Yukari," you let out in response, and she leans back, a smile returned to her face.
There's a long pause as the two of you look back ahead at the view while eating. Eventually, you break it. "Why are you putting so much into helping me? Didn't you say you feel like this too... worse than this, even?"
"Well, let's just say I've been having a good week. And it's always easier to help someone else than yourself." She looks back at you again. "You know this well; I've seen firsthand the fervor with which you throw yourself into protecting Gensokyo when you're called on. You've never balked at exhausting yourself to save others, even as you struggle to put in the work to keep yourself fed properly."
You look away and hope the chill mountain air has reddened your cheeks enough to hide your blush. Both the praise and the blunt assessment of your limitations are embarrassing. You think about protesting either of them, both of them, but you find yourself just sighing. With all she's done for you this week, you can let her have them both.
You hear Yukari open the sake bottle and as you turn to face her you see her holding it out to you. "I'm afraid I didn't bring any dishes, but we can share it like this, right? As friends?"
You take the bottle and drink a gulp. The crisp taste contrasts the sweetness of the mochi you've been eating, and you relish the sensation of warmth that rushes to your fingertips and nose.
"Yeah," you say, looking back at the view. "...as friends."