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“Come on, Sam. We’re gonna be late. Your mom would kill us if we are late to her birthday dinner.” Jess said putting on her earring and grabbing his purse. She didn’t hear anything phone Sam in their bedroom. “Sam, hurry up, would you?”
She waited a moment and Sam still hadn’t come out. “When we’re extra late, you’re going to have to explain to Mary that you were taking forever.”
She walked into the bedroom to find Sam sitting on the floor with his knee to his chin as he propped against the end of the bed. She crouched down and looked at Sam’s face. He was crying. Sam stared into Jess’s eyes longingly. “Sam…”
“I thought it would get better. They say after time things would get better. It’s been a year, Jess. It still hurts. It hurts so bad.” Sam whimpered. Jess cupped Sam’s face and wiped his tears with the pads of her thumbs.
“I know, it’s been hard. Things may get better, but they will not be normal again for a very long time.”
Sam nodded. “I know.”
“Come on, be happy. It’s your mom’s birthday.” Jess tried to smile.
Sam stood and wiped his face and they drove to Sam’s parents’ house. It took less than 10 minutes to get there. Sam and Jess walked to the front door and rang the doorbell. A tall broad man answered the door; John. “Hi Dad.”
“Hey, Sam, Jess.” John smiled. He could instantly tell Sam was upset and knew the exactly why, but wasn’t going to say a word. They were all still hurting.
Sam and Jess walked into and the house was quiet. Jess walked off into the kitchen where Mary was cooking. Sam followed John into the living room. John sat in his chair and Sam sat on the couch. “How are you doing, Sam?”
Sam shrugged. “I’m…I’m hanging in there.” He was trying so hard to hold back tears. “The house is very quiet.”
John nodded. “It’s always nice to turn off the music and TV ever so often.”
“What’s Mom fixing? I thought you were going to make her birthday dinner?”
John smirked. “She decided that she didn’t want burnt everything for her birthday.”
“That was smart on her part. What made her decided she wanted a home cooked meal this year instead of going out?”
John’s smiled faltered. He hid the sadness in his eyes behind a laugh. “She didn’t want to be in public when she thought back to last year.”
Sam nodded. “That was smart as well.”
“I thought I heard my baby boy.” Sam heard getting closer into the living room.
Sam sat up and looked over at the voice. “Hi Mom.” Sam smiled as he stood and walked over to her and pulling her into a full embrace.
“You look good, Sammy.” Mary smiled genuinely.
Sam smiled. “Thanks, Mom. Happy Birthday.”
“Castiel is here. He’s talk with Jess in the kitchen.”
Sam nodded and walked into the kitchen as Mary walked over to John. He peered into the kitchen and spotted a man with pitch black hair sitting at the table with a coffee mug in his grasp sitting across from Jess. The man looked up at Sam with his crystal blue eyes. “Hello Sam.”
“Hey Cas.”
Cas stood and walked over to Sam and hugged him tight. “It’s good to see you again.”
“Same, Cas.” Sam smiled and grabbed a cup of coffee. “How’s the Impala doing?”
Cas sat back down and looked at his mug. “She’s good. I cleaned her Saturday.”
“You didn’t drive her here?” Sam asked looking out the kitchen window that viewed the driveway perfectly.
“No…it hurts too much.” Cas deadpanned. Jess rubbed Cas’s shoulder and he looked over at the blonde haired woman.
Mary walked in. “I think dinner should be ready.”
The meal was great. Mary was a great cook. They all ate with very light conversation. Over all it was quiet. The clanks of silverware on the plates was all that could be heard at one point.
Mary stood and walked into the kitchen and came back with a pie. “I made pie for dessert.”
She sat in the middle of the table but nobody touched it. They just stared as if waiting for somebody to take the first piece. John looked around. “Come on, dig in. It’s Mary’s specialty pie; Apple Pie.”
Sam blinked away tears. “Dean always took the first piece.” He whispered as one single tear rolled down his face. He shook his head and stood from the table and walked out of the dining room and upstairs. He walked down the hall. Mary and John had changed Sam’s room into a guest room when he moved out. They made Dean’s into John’ s office. No one walked in there; not anymore. Sam stepped inside and shut the door. He sat on the couch that was in the room.
He closed his eyes and envisioned Dean’s room when he was in high school. Posters of vintage cars and hard rock bands covered the walls and dirty clothes cover the floor along with car magazines skin mags under the bed. A picture of him and Sam sat on his bedside. Dean was dressed as Batman and Sam was Robin. It was Halloween Dean was 12 and Sam was 8.
Tears streamed down Sam’s face and he kept his eyes closed. He remembered Dean’s knife collection he hung proudly on the wall above his desk. He remembered always hearing Dean’s music playing obnoxiously loud.
Sam didn’t hear the door open and see someone walk in. It scared the shit out of him when he felt the couch dip beside him. He flinched and whipped his in that direction. It was Cas. He wasn’t looking at Sam. Cas was smiling and looking at his hands. “They say in death you only remember the good thing about that person. You get emotional because that was what that person did. That’s what he always did. You remember the good times you had with them and nothing else matters. You forgets the bad things or the flaws that person had.” Cas’s voice cracked.
Sam stared at Cas. More tears streamed down Sam’s face. He saw tears fall off Cas’s face.
“I remember everything of them; flaws and all. I remember him hogging the covers, or snore. I remember his nightmares, his cries, his anger. I remember getting in fights with him over stupid things and him sleeping on the couch for a night or two. I remember his drinking habits.” Cas cried.
Sam couldn’t speak, he had never thought about the bad stuff. Cas was right. It’s like everything Dean did was good and nothing bad ever happened.
“With that being said, I also remember the good, but in my opinion, that hurts worse. I can’t wear certain clothes because Dean loved that outfit. I can’t listen to certain songs because it was Dean’s music. I can’t eat certain foods because they were Dean’s favorite. I haven’t driven the Impala since that day. I haven’t been to Bobby’s house. I barely even live in my house because Dean picked it out when we got married. I still record Dr. Sexy M.D. just for him but I remember he’s not there. I still buy his favorite beer. I can still smell him when I’m in bed at night. His clothes still smell just like him; motor oil and musk.” Cas sobbed. He finally looked up at Sam with puffy, red, teary eyes. Sam’s lips quivered. He wrapped his arms around Cas in a comforting embrace. “I miss him.” Cas cried into Sam’s shirt.
Sam rubbed Cas’s back and stared at the wall adjacent to them. “So do I, Cas.”
They sat there for a long time before Cas had to leave. He couldn’t stay there any longer. Sam wiped his face and walked down stairs. It was still quiet. Sam finally figured out that it was quiet because Dean was always there to keep conversation going or John and him would watch the game on TV or Dean would help Mary find the perfect radio station or CD to play. There was no music and the TV was off. Sam was getting antsy. He couldn’t be here anymore.
He stood and said he had to head out. John, Mary and Jess didn’t argue. Jess drove them home and they went straight to bed.
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A Year and Less Than A Month Ago…
It was extremely early, for Sam, at five o’clock in the morning Sam woke up to his cell ringing. Jess had already left for work. He grabbed it and saw Cas’s number pop up. He accepted and brought the phone to his ear. “Cas do you know how early it is? It’s Sunday. The one day I have off.”
Cas sounded panicked. “Dean’s in the hospital.”
“What?’ Sam shot up, now fully awake.
“It—It was late and his cough had gotten worse. He-he—He started cough up blood.”
“Cas, I’m getting up now. I’ll be at the hospital in less than half an hour. Don’t worry. Everything is going to be fine. Dean’s tough, he can fight this.”
Stage Four Lung Cancer.
The words bounced around in Sam’s head. Cas couldn’t speak and Sam went blank. The doctor told Dean, Sam, and Cas altogether. Dean took it better than the others. Cas sat at Dean’s bedside and Sam followed the doctor out of the room. “Doc, I have a few questions?”
“Yes, Mr. Winchester?”
“Call me, Sam.” Sam quipped. “What are the chances that Dean will survive?”
The doctor didn’t answer. He opened his mouth as if to say something but then closed it quickly. “I’m sorry, Sam.”
Tears built up in Sam’s eyes. “No, doc. There has to be something you can do to save him.”
“The cancer has spread to Dean’s spine and brain. For right now, the best thing to do is to keep him comfortable.”
“How long do you give him?” Sam choked out.
“A month…maybe less.”
Sam nodded and turned around and Cas had heard it all. “Cas…”
Cas lifted a hand to stop Sam. “No, Sam. It’s ok. I was going to ask the same thing.”
Sam left in a hurry. He couldn’t look at his brother. He didn’t believe that his older brother was dying. It was all a dream. He wanted to wake up and Dean to be his happy, go lucky self, but that wasn’t reality.
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3 Weeks Later…
‘Sam? It’s been weeks since I’ve seen you. Dean’s been asking about you. He wants to talk to you one last time. Doctor’s say he’s in his final days. They call it active dying. He really wants to talk with his little brother.’ Cas called early that morning and left a message on the answering machine.
Jess had gone to see Dean as much as possible. She said her goodbyes yesterday because she had to go out of town for a week and Cas said it was going to be too late. It was the third time Sam listened to that message that day. He just couldn’t do it. He curled up on the bed staring at the wall the whole day.
It was late that night when Cas called again.
‘Please, Sam. Dean wants to see you. He knows he doesn’t have much longer…’ Cas paused and choked out a sob. ‘He wants to talk with his little brother one more time. He wants to see you one more time. Just one more time. Please, you’re the only one who hasn’t said your goodbye. I’m not ready for this either, but it’s gonna happen. Please, be here for him.’
Sam managed to pull himself out of bed and drive to the hospital. He walked to Dean’s room and Cas was sitting beside Dean’s bed. It was a devastating sight. Dean was pale and so skinny. He was wake never the less. He had an oxygen mask on. Cas stood when he saw Sam. He walked over to Sam and patted him on the shoulder.
Sam walked over to the chair Cas had been sitting in. Dean’s eyes connected with Sam’s and he saw Dean smiled under the mask. Sam’s heart broke. Dean weakly raised his hand and waved. Sam took Dean’s hand in his own.
“Hey Dean.” Sam started. “I can’t believe any of this. It’s so unreal. I don’t want you to leave me, Dean. I’ve been looking up to for since I was four. What am I supposed to do now? You’ve always been there for me. When me and Dad get in fights or I needed help picking up girls. I need you to make me laugh when I’m upset. Hell, I’m upset right now. You’re leaving this earth too fucking early, Dean. I wish I could take your place. Who else am I going to called Jerk and get bitch in response? Who else is going hustle pool with me? Who else is going to beg Mom to make pie every time you visit? Who else will always take the first slice of Mom’s famous Apple Pie. Please, don’t go, Dean. I’m not ready for you to leave yet. You were supposed to be the uncle that spoiled his niece or nephew. You’ll only 28, Dean. You’re much too younger to die, Dean” Sam sobbed.
Dean rose his hand and slowly took off the oxygen mask and took short labored breathes. “Bitch.” Dean panted.
Sam laughed. “Jerk.”
Dean took a few more labored breathes and looked at Sam. “I love you, Sammy.” He put the oxygen mask back on and let a single tear roll down his face.
“I love you too, Dean.” Sam choked out. Cas walked back into the room and sat down beside Dean on the other side. Dean closed his eyes and Sam and Cas could immediately tell that Dean stopped breathing. They couldn’t see the mask fog up with Dean’s breath. The heart monitor went crazy and the doctor walked in and checked Dean and turned off the monitor.
Cas fell into Sam’s arms sobbing. Sam couldn’t stop crying. “Time of Death, 2:45 a.m.” The Doctor announced.
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Present Day 5 Years Later…
“Daddy, can you tell me a story about Uncle Dean?” Sam’s three year old daughter asked.
“What story do you want to hear?” Sam smiled tucking his daughter in.
“The party story again.” She squealed.
Sam laughed. “Alright, Emma, Uncle Dean brought me and his at the time boyfriend, you know him as Uncle Cas, to a party…”
Sam talked about one random memory of Dean. His daughter loved learning about Sam’s older brother. Jess was right about things never being normal again, ut she was also right about things getting better. Sam had accepted Dean’s passing. It took him years, but the day Emma was born she looked exactly like Dean. Sam knows Dean is looking down at him and shaking his head. ‘Dude, could you be anymore gay?’
Sam was would every time he thought of that.
‘Don’t answer that.’ That would be the very next thing Dean would say.
Life was better. It was a life Sam could live and not be upset anymore. He could even eat Mary’s Famous Apple Pie.
***