Chapter Text
What was more painful than losing your love to someone else?
There were a lot of different answers, depending on each person. But to Jiang Cheng, it was the lack of courage to confess his love that pained him the most.
He didn’t believe being in love was painful until he experienced it himself. He used to laugh at other fools who fell in love and cried their hearts out when it didn’t go the way they want. Now he had become the very person that his past self would laugh at.
Karma, he believed.
That day, he rushed out of Lotus Pier at the news of his one and only nephew gone missing. He remembered when he stepped on Sandu and flew towards the Koi Tower to learn more about what happened, and interrogated on who was responsible for his nephew’s protection. Jin ling albeit young, but was a full fledged Sect Leader. After the death of Jin GuangYao, Jin Ling became the hatred target for the elders of Jin, with all the responsibilities fell down on his tiny, not yet mature shoulder. But the past two years, he had been doing well for a seventeen years old boy. Jiang Cheng had to admit, the young boy had grown so much, that he could finally deal with matters by himself without coming to him and asked for help. It was a great sign for LanLingJin, however, there were still many obstacles that Jin Ling needed to overcome if he truly wanted to become a full-fledged Sect Leader. He needed to get stronger, braver, and smarter, as his life just as many other Sect Leaders was constantly hanging on thin lines. Many would want to see him dead, especially those that didn’t believe the blood of Jin was good enough to lead the Sect, considering what horrid deeds orchestrated by Jin GuangShan and Jin GuangYao.
Jiang Cheng, being the only relative Jin Ling had left made it one of his duties to ensure that his nephew was well protected, his seating at LanLingJin was strong and no one could ever doubt him and his ability. Because if they dare to even harm a single hair on Jin Ling’s body, he would demolish this entire residence himself. For his nephew, there was nothing that he couldn’t do.
To everyone else he was cruel, rude and arrogant. A person that no one should offend, least they wanted to be whipped to death. He himself agreed with that. He wasn’t a man of sweet words. He didn’t know how to open his mouth and not offend the person he was talking to after a few sentences. He tried to change, but it was something that he was born with. He did try to change, but easier said than done.
He would often look at himself in the mirror, wondered what would happen if he was braver. If he just gathered what little courage that he had and proclaim his love, would everything changed?
He set out immediately in looking for Jin Ling after gathering some information from Jin Ling’s personal guards. He made his way towards the area where Jin Ling was last sighted. The head of Jiang disciple suggested him to stop by Cloud Recesses first and asked for assistance from the Lan. Since another of their junior disciple-Lan SiZhui-the adopted son of HanGuang-Jun also went missing. But Jiang Cheng let out a dry scoff. HanGuang-Jun and his cultivation partner were on their travel, and the Sect Leader of GusuLan...was a lost cause. So he set out alone without requesting for help.
After the incident of GuanYin temple, the world renown ZeWu-Jun locked himself in his own quarter, refused to meet with anyone. He left all matters to his uncle and refused to come out and nor having any care for worldly affairs. Rumors said that he would enter secluded meditation for the rest of his life just like his father.
All because of one person.
Jiang Cheng remembered his heart being stung a little when those words entered his ears. No one knew or was able to confirm whether the rumor was true. And Jiang Cheng wasn’t of any place to find out either.
He sensed no hope. Secluded mediation meant no one was allowed to disturb him, no matter how big or how small the matters were. Even if one of their junior disciples went missing, even if it was cases of emergency, Lan XiChen wasn’t the first one that they came to.
No one was allowed to disturb him after all.
The GuanYin temple...it was the last time he saw Lan XiChen. Sometimes he would look out the window of his study room and caught his mind wandered to the thoughts of the older man. Things like, how was he doing now? Did he eat regularly? Did he walk around Cloud Recesses or just shut himself inside his room and laid himself at the mercy of pain and regret.
Was he really doing it for that one person?
Countless thoughts gave birth to themselves inside his mind, more and more each day that passed. He always found himself asking the same questions over and over again like chanting a mantra, and as the years went by, it became a habit. He would sit by the window looking out to the lotus pond and wondered if yesterday was a good day for Lan XiChen. Did he manage to figure something out? Or was he still drown in grief?
He wanted to know what Lan XiChen think of him. The people of the cultivation world thought that he was ruthless, ignorant. But Lan XiChen was a reasonable man, the most benevolent god the cultivation world this generation had ever seen. Would his opinion of him was influenced by the rumors of the cultivation world or did Lan XiChen have an opinion of his own. And if by any chance...if by any chance he would see him as a friend that he could confide in.
Those were the questions that he wanted to ask, but never had the chance to.
He often found himself walking the path of the long wooden hallway of Cloud Recesses that he knew connected the guest quarters to Hanshi. He had walked this path countless of time when he was still a student at Cloud Recesses. He knew exactly how many magnolia trees were planted, and how many would bloom that year-the year that he first met Lan XiChen for the first time. He knew how many wooden pillars were used in the construction of this hallway, and how many steps it would take to walk from one end to the other. He remembered everything. Because he had been walking down this long hallway for so many times that he no longer could count on his fingers. All because of one person that he wanted to meet.
The door to Hanshi was still closed, and he couldn’t see the person that he wanted to see.
Everytime a chance of business brought him an opportunity to visit Cloud Recesses, he always found himself silently stood under the grand magnolia tree, the one that opposite of Hanshi, expected to see a glimpse of that white snow and blue cloud attire appeared behind the window that always closed.
He heard Lan XiChen had not been doing well with his insomnia, so every time he visited CLoud Recesses, he brought with him lotus tea in hope it would help him relax. Everytime, he brought with him two big chests, under the pretense of presents to the Lan elders. The Lan elders started to like him, thinking that he was a reasonable Sect Leader, but deep down he only did it for one person. A person that probably forgot about his existence because he had too much agony to deal with. With all the things that happened, how could Lan XiChen have any more time to spare for a stranger like him.
He didn't know since when he fell in love with Lan XiChen, but by the time he realized the way his heart skipped a beat at the smile that the older man directed at him when they met at Discussion Conferences, to the furious stabbing pain in his chest every time he saw those gentle, and longing eyes directed at Jin GuangYao, he realized that he had fallen in love, helplessly in love. Seeing those gaze that reserved only for the Jin Sect Leader, he knew he didn't stand a chance, not in this lifetime.
So he wished for the next. Hopefully, next time, his love would be answered.
But right now, he was content at looking at the older man from afar, looking out for him and did what little things he could to ease his pain.
Jiang Cheng managed to find Jin Ling and the Lan kid, fortunately, both were unharm. He wanted to break the boy’s legs and dragged him all the way back to Lotus Pier and made him kneeled in front of the ancestral hall for a few days to apologize for making everyone worried. He wanted to find out more about why both of them got trapped inside this cavern with no way out. He also wanted to know why there was a herd of deformed and mutated fierce corpses inhabited this cavern. Was it a night hunt accident? Or was it a ploy set up by someone to harm the young Sect Leader of Jin? But he didn’t have enough strength left for all of those questions.
Jiang Cheng groaned in undeniable pain, feeling his chest burned like wildfire. A part of the claw left by the beast could be seen poking through his chest where his heart was-all the way to the back.
One hand held onto where the claw met his body, the other hand brought down Sandu, severed the claws from the monster’s limb. He spit out blood, using his entire strength to pull out the claw that sunk deep within his body. Blood gushed out like a fountain of red water. He pressed his hand to the open wound, but no amount of pressure could stop it from bleeding. The blood still slipped out from his fingers and dyed the ground he stood with even more red. He coughed violently, each cough filled with a taste and stench of incoming death all the way from the tip of his tongue to the back of his throat.
It was the end for him.
Who would have thought that this was how it ended for the Sandu Shengshou?
All alone, by himself, in the middle of nowhere, far away from home. It was absolutely pathetic.
A lot of his enemies would pay to see him died a pathetic death like this. Off the street, clutching desperately to what little left of his life like a filthy little rat that people wished for him to be. It wasn't that much different when he had to roam the street in hiding from the Wen. He was all by himself, always by himself.
Even when standing at the edge between life and death, there were still so many things he wanted to know.
Did Jin Ling and the Lan kid manage to get to safety? Did they manage to get back to Koi Tower in one piece? Would Jin Ling be able to live on without him and become a strong leader like his parents hoped for him to be? Would Wei WuXian rush back from his travel? What would happen to YunMengJiang now that their Sect Leader was gone?
Above all, would Lan XiChen ever be able to move on from that GuanYin incident? Guess he wasn’t going to be around to find out, nor looking out for him anymore.
He didn’t want to be a burden to the person that he loved. He didn’t intend to add more sorrow to the person who was still recovering from loss and grief. But he couldn’t help it. He loved him too much to look the other way. He loved Lan XiChen so much, that he was afraid of blurring that last line. He was afraid that Lan XiChen would turn him down, or worse, avoiding him altogether. He wasn't close to Lan XiChen. To him, he was just another Sect Leader, a formal business partner and someone that should be treated with formal formalities, someone whom he only met at Discussion Conferences once a year. That was the only time that he was allowed to gaze at the older man without a proper reason. The only time that he got to exchange a few words of greetings, to let the older man acknowledge his existence outside of formalities. But then again, to Lan XiChen, their relationship wasn't anything special. So he was afraid of ruining that little something that they had between them.
But as long as Lan XiChen was alive, he would one day recover from all this, forget everything and finally move on with his life. At the end, that was all he could do for Lan XiChen. All he could do was standing on the sideline and looked out for him in his own way.
He wasn't afraid of dying. But he had just one regret. He wanted to see what XiChen’s face would be like if he told him he had always been in love with him. He always saw him as the sunlight that made his life less pitiful.
“Lan XiChen! I really wanted to see your face.”
Tears flooded his eyes, he wasn’t afraid of dying. But the fear of never going to see Lan XiChen’s face again scared him. There was no light in this miserable world he was living, but Lan XiChen was his light. His eyes could barely make out what was around him. He could feel his heart beating against his broken rib cage. His vision darkened, as tears were all that he managed to let out with little left of his strength. Yet even when death was a few meters away from him, when his consciousness began to dissipate, the only thing that still visibly remained, like a flower that never withered, like a sun that never set.
Lan XiChen, if time could be reversed and gave us a second chance . Then I will, for sure this time, let you know how much I love you.