Archive of Our Own

“Harvey,” she tries, quiet, cautious. At first he doesn’t move. Then he opens his mouth. Then he takes the deepest breath/sigh/huff she’s ever seen anyone take, and when he exhales his shoulders and the rest of the world drop. 

He licks his lower lip and locks his jaw and she can see the storm brewing from a mile away. 

“Harvey,” she repeats, more steadily and a little more forcefully. He knows what she’s going to say, though, and he’s already shaking his head. 

“She just couldn’t leave it,” he says almost incredulously, and she knows the indignation he feels because she feels the same. “No, she couldn’t. But you’ve done the same before, so you know that the best thing to do is to wait it out,” she reasons, finally stepping away from the counter and closer to him. 

“I can’t just sit back and do nothing, Donna!” he fires back, and he sounds a little manic, a little desperate. “Harvey, you’re all hot-headed right now. Nothing good will come of this,” Donna half-pleads, reaching out to catch his hand in hers. 

He gives her hand a quick squeeze, but he’s shaking his head again, and it speaks to his state of mind that he doesn’t even look at her when he leaves. 

.

When they finally get home after their clandestine meeting on the roof, he goes straight to the couch, discarding his jacket and tie along the way. The way he practically throws himself onto it makes her lips purse in concern. She debates fixing him a drink but she’s frankly too exhausted for that. This was a shitty day all around and she just wants to curl up against him. 

They’re not cuddly and she doesn’t even think they’ve ever done that, but he’s rubbing his face tiredly and it’s so frustrating. There is so much to criticize Harvey for, so much he’s done and continues doing wrong, but not this time. This time he did everything right, he played fair and took the loss in stride and she’s just pissed that everyone keeps giving him shit for every bad thing that happens. 

So she ditches her heels and walks over, sitting by his side. She rests her head on his shoulder, wraps her hands around his arm and curls up her legs on the couch. He sighs, but she feels him relax against her, hand falling on her knee. 

“Mike’s wrong,” she says quietly after a moment. Despite his lack of answer, she knows he’s listening. “You haven’t lost yourself. You’re learning and growing and he just doesn’t know that because he hasn’t been around to see it.”

“He’s right about one thing, though. I should’ve stopped it,” she feels him shaking his head as his jaw brushes against her hair. “Harvey, there was nothing you could have done to stop Samantha - or Mike, for that matter,” she counters, her mind evoking as much affection as exasperation for both of them. “You could’ve refrained from getting involved, but that’s about all I’ll let you take responsibility for.” 

“You’re going soft on me,” he smirks, and through his tiredness his eyes sparkle down at her. “I’m definitely not,” she chuckles. “I just don’t want you to think that you’re a bad person, or that you’re failing, because you’re not. I wouldn’t be with you if you were,” she finishes earnestly. 

“We’ll fix it,” he says softly, as much for his benefit as for hers. “We will,” she confirms, and lifts her head from his shoulder to kiss him. 

“Come on, let’s go to bed,” she prompts, leaning forward on the couch, but he protests. “Can we just stay here a little bit longer?” he asks and she’s surprised to note it comes out a bit shy. “Yeah, of course,” she agrees, a little stunned. 

She sits upright and leans back, turning her face towards his. He mirrors her position and they keep their hands intertwined, watching each other in silence. 

It’s after he spends five minutes just staring at her that she thinks something might be up. “What?” she asks, half intrigued, half worried. He blinks, “You have a yellow spot on your left eye.”

The observation takes her aback and she chuckles, “Yeah, I do.” “I’d never noticed it,” he frowns a little, looking lost in thought. 

“It’s weird,” he follows, “I spent so many years looking at you I thought I already knew your face by heart. But then there’s things like this yellow spot on your eye or this mole here,” he touches her right temple, “that I didn’t know were there.”

She waits for him to go on, but he doesn’t. He’s in a weird mood tonight. She still loves him. 

“That’s probably because you can only see them up close,” is what she goes with. Their noses are practically touching and her voice is soft. “Yeah,” he squints a little, “I guess I just wasn’t looking close enough.”

The way he says it and the whole moment make it seem like a double entendre and she feels a shiver go down her arm. 

“You’re beautiful, Harvey,” she replies after a moment. “Beautiful person or beautiful man?” he jokes, though it’s also soft, a light smirk and quirk of an eyebrow. She rolls her eyes fondly, “Beautiful man. But also beautiful person.” Her lips press together into a sweet smile and her hand finds his jaw and she kisses him, slow, sure. 

His hand covers hers and holds it in place. 

. 

She tries reading, but soon her eyes start drooping. The sentences get re-read on the page and it’s annoying her so she just gives up. 

She wanted to wait up for him. Part of her is disappointed that her giving him the painting back resulted in such a long conversation with his mom that she can’t even enjoy his reaction because she’s falling asleep and he hasn’t come to bed yet. But she knows how much this means to him - and most of all she knows how much it took him to be able to have hour-long conversations with Lily. 

So she guesses it’s fine. He’ll make it up to her, she’s sure. Maybe as soon as the next morning. The idea of him owing her and paying up with morning sex is sounding more appealing by the second, and it’s with this thought in mind that she settles beneath the blankets and snuggles against her pillow. 

Somewhat surprisingly, she’s still slightly awake when he comes to bed. She feels the bed dipping without even hearing him come in, then she definitely feels his arms wrapping around her and pulling her back against him. 

He kisses her neck once, twice, and she turns her head towards him with a sleepy smile. He gives her a chaste kiss and nuzzles his nose against her cheek. “Thanks,” he whispers and kisses her hair. 

“Uh-uh, no thanks, I’m cashing this in,” she retorts, but even she can hear how it sounds like a mumble. He lets out a breathy chuckle, “Looking forward to it.”

She resettles on the pillow, but snuggles against him as he adjusts his frame around hers. 

She falls asleep in his arms, or him in hers, it’s hard to tell but it doesn’t really make a difference. 

.

Ever since she told Alex she thought something was wrong she hasn’t been able to concentrate. He left right away and promised to share news as soon as he had them, but it’s been radio silence for hours. She trusts him. She knows he’s doing the best he can and his best is pretty damn good. 

Still, her stomach churns, her pen rattles against her desk, her legs cross and uncross and she can’t focus on anything else. 

Donna’s not a fretful person. Her practical approach drives her to either find a solution or forget about the problem altogether if there is none. And she especially avoids letting Harvey know she’s nervous because she knows how much he relies on her for stability. 

But it’s been him maybe getting disbarred, maybe losing the firm, maybe losing so much and now maybe going to jail. It’s too much too fast and she already broke down over the whole breaking privilege thing. She almost lost him once. She can’t lose him again, not like this. 

So when he finally, finally shows up at her office door she inhales sharply, gets up in a jump and strides towards him, locking his shoulders in a tight embrace. It takes him a second to recover but his hands soon find her back and he buries his nose in her neck. As she exhales, her lips start trembling and her breath comes and goes in rags, uneven as she attempts to calm down. 

“I’m here. I’m safe,” he mumbles onto her skin, possibly to reassure both of them. She takes a couple more steadying breaths and nods, pulling away to look at him. 

He’s rumpled and looks tired, but other than that he seems okay. It finally hits her that he is safe, that he is here, and that that’s good enough for now. Between being locked up and whatever else could have happened to him today, she’ll take here and safe any time. 

“Is it done?” Donna asks and the way he grimaces is bad news right there. “No...,” he sighs heavily, “It might have actually gotten worse.”

Sentiment hits her again in a wave and she pulls him back in. “I was scared,” she whispers after a while, because this time he has to know. “I was too,” he whispers back, and it breaks her heart a little. She wants to punch Malik in the face. 

“Are you okay? Do you need anything?” she asks once she pulls away again, scanning his face for any signs of abuse. “I’m fine, I’m just starving,” he replies, rubbing his jaw. 

It’s half past four. He got taken in before work. Of course. 

“That fucking bastard,” she laughs dryly, indignantly, and shakes her head. “Okay, where do you wanna go?” she’s back to her usual no-nonsense ways, already closing her laptop and grabbing her purse. “Anywhere expensive enough that Malik’s public servant wage couldn’t afford,” he jokes, but there’s spite in it. She gets it, she’s spiteful too. 

“Good thing we know plenty of those,” she winks and gives him a proper smooch, then storms out the door without waiting to be followed. 

They’ll get him. He’ll pay. 

. 

Harvey’s weight is heavy on her and his arms are squeezing her a little too tight. He’s been hugging her for almost fifteen minutes, her legs feel stiff and her back hurts. She can feel his tears wet against her bare shoulder and she’s pretty sure there are strands of her hair soaked and clinging to his face like a wet mop. 

And yet, she doesn’t move an inch. She couldn’t, would never want to. 

She lets him take his time because she knows he’s in pain and her heart has never been more broken for him. At least this time she can hold him, help even the tiniest bit of pain go away. 

After a while he straightens up and loosens his grip a little. His breath is shallow and he feels weak. “We should get you to bed,” she suggests softly, rubbing his back soothingly. He doesn’t react, but doesn’t protest either as she steps back and takes him by the hand to his bedroom. 

He drops to the bed unceremoniously and lets her help him undress. Once he’s in his t-shirt and boxers he rolls over and curls up. She changes quickly and brushes her teeth, then meets him in bed. He instantly rests his head on her chest and she starts caressing his hair and ear. 

“Why does this keep happening?” he says suddenly, and he hasn’t spoken in so long and his voice is so rough from crying that it startles her for a millisecond. “I could’ve forgiven her years ago but I didn’t. And now she’s gone. Why do I keep wasting time? First Dad, then you, now Mom.”

She’s never more rattled than when Harvey’s helpless, and right now is the most helpless she’s ever seen him. She doesn’t know what to do or what to say to make it better. 

“Harvey...” she trails off, sighing, “I don’t think any of it was wasted time, even if we all wish we’d had more of it. Hindsight is always 20/20, but your parents loved you very much and, most importantly, they knew how much you love them too.”

She pauses and he lifts his head to look at her. “As for me,” she adds softly, “I know we have a difficult history and I know it’s gonna weigh on us. But no time with you was ever wasted. I’m glad for all of it, every last year. And I can’t wait for every other year that’s still to come.”

He loses his slight frown and his mouth twitches, which is how she knows he heard her. She knows how much he blames himself for all the time they could’ve been together but weren’t; sometimes she blames him too. But she truly believes that all they can do right now is focus on the future, and hold on to the past only for the things that really matter. She wants him to hold on to the knowledge that he has always been loved by those around him. 

Harvey dips his head and gives her a soft, sure peck on the lips, then lies down on her chest again and sighs. “Thanks for being here,” he half-whispers and buries his face further into her skin. “Always, Harvey. Always,” she reassures him and lays a kiss on top of his head. 

She knows tomorrow is gonna be awful. The next weeks will be awful. But for now, she tries to take comfort in the fact that he’s okay, and that he at least seems comfortable enough nestled against her to fall asleep.