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Jensen lies in his bed and sighs when he turns to see that it’s 1:34 am. He’s restless but isn’t dealing with it well.
He turns over and looks at his closed door. He feels locked in as if it were his very own cage in hell. The room is empty and he thinks it’s disgustingly bad enough that his bed is empty too. Grunting with disappointment in himself, he bangs his foot impatiently at the mattress as he ponders over his unending thoughts. “I wasn’t going to think about this.” He says in an angry whispering voice.
He begins to wander, ‘What is it exactly that he wasn’t going to think about? Why is he angry about it?’
The room is dark but moonlight makes it easier for him to see the huge black and white photo prints which Jared had taken many years ago during his first season hiatus and gave to Jensen as a gift.
Jensen looks at each photo separately and tries to dig deep inside of him to envision what his best friend’s frame of mind was when he took the photos. He knows a part of Jared’s soul was revealing himself in them. “Why am I thinking about this?” Jensen says quietly. His face reveals such wonder, curiosity and doubt.
Jensen knows Jared well…his family life, school, his tells, most of his secrets about embarrassing moments in his life and even things Jared had only shared with him and no one else. He has grown to know Jared so well it makes his heart ache.
When Jensen looks at the photos on the wall, he believes there is more to Jared than he ever lets on to. ‘He’s a man wrapped in mystery after all,’ he thinks to himself.
He thinks back to the moment he met Jared. Thinking of those wonderful moments of amazement and awe with this guy he had just met. He thinks about how easy it was for Jared and him to become friends and do everything together with no problems.
Images of Jared fill Jensen’s head for a long while and he breathes uncomfortably and then slowly when he stops on a picture of a time when he and Jared shared a special moment that was private as they smiled sheepishly at one another. Jensen begins to smile without realizing he is doing it.
He suddenly feels guilty thinking of Jared while he lays in the bedroom down the hall. Now that the new season is beginning he will be spending most of his time with Jared as he always does and has for the past years. But right now he can’t evade the thoughts and pictures of his best friend Jared entering his mind.
Jensen doesn’t know where his pent up feelings are all coming from. He begins to think of how everything could just end between them at anytime.
Everything he fears falls away from his mind as he quickly revisits every fun moment he shared with Jared over the years and he begins to feel the tears trickle down his face. He wipes them away from his face and stinging eyes. “What’s going on with me? Damn it!” He growls lightly. He then kicks his foot at the mattress again and turns on his side and tries to make himself fall asleep.
Eventually, after no success in falling asleep he does what he can and that is to masturbate so he can relax and then sleep fast. He slides his hands in his boxers and rubs himself up and down his shaft and feel his dick harden in his hand. He pretends it isn't his hand but rather the hand of someone else. He fantasizes of being sucked off by a set of hot lips with a sleek tongue and a deep throat and he quickly cums. He grabs a tissue and wipes himself clean and tosses the tissue in the trash can.
He now feels himself drifting away into a comforting sleep.
The next morning Jensen wakens to his alarm. He hits the beeper off and hops out from under the covers. He goes to his bureau and opens a few drawers grabbing socks, a pair of boxer briefs, a grey t-shirt, a deep grey sweater and charcoal colored jeans. He rushes to the closet and picks up his brown lace up mid-calf boots then goes to the bathroom and turns on the shower.
He hurries as he showers his naked and muscled body with slippery sudsy soap liquid and then washes his hair. He rinses the suds from his hair and body while thinking of Jared’s face. Afterwards he climbs out of the shower and grabs his clothes and then turns to see his naked form in the long mirrors covering one wall. He sees the young man he once was and begins to feel self-conscious about what he sees staring back at him now. He feels regret and still at this point he doesn’t know where this feeling is coming from.
He then quickly puts on his clothes and a pair of boots. He spends some time on his brown hair and then tosses the comb onto the counter and sighs as he looks at himself. His eyes are a beautiful green color but he scuffs it off as vanity. He thinks to himself, ‘Why am I even thinking about all of this… especially now?’ Saying aloud, “My eyes aren’t anything to get all worked up over. They suck.” He then sighs and walks out after giving himself a once over look in the mirror to make sure he looks good enough.
Jensen makes his way to the kitchen where he notices Jared. His eyes were rolling over Jared in a peculiar way unknown to him.
Jared’s hair was wet and combed back behind his ears. Jared was preparing a bagel for both of them. He even had made some coffee and poured it in their favorite mugs given to them by Robert Singer.
Jensen takes his small plate and mug and sits on the tall stool at the breakfast counter across from Jared.
He looks at Jared and notices his hair. Then he looks at his hair closer and he remembers when it used to hit him in the face when Jared would lean in on him or when they were doing a scene on the set. Jensen shakes his head while washing the thought away and continues to eat his bagel.
Jared is wearing a white t-shirt with a deep blue zip up athletic jacket and matching workout pants along with a pair of brown boots.
Looking at each article of clothing draping Jared’s body, Jensen is trying to remember everything he can about them; when Jared wore them last and what they did together when he wore that outfit.
The thoughts had already started in on Jensen as he fended them off again.
Jensen could see that Jared had already showered and said, “Good morning, Jare.”
“Good morning.” Jared said and smiled in Jensen’s direction with an affectionate smile as always.
They both sat quietly sipping their coffee.
“You’re oddly quiet this morning,” Jared says.
Staring down into his mug trying not to show any of his feelings he finally says, “Yeah? You think?” Jensen asks.
Jared glances at Jensen. “What’s up with you lately?” He asks the elusive man. “You’ve been acting a little off for the last three days.”
Jensen shrugs his shoulders and gives a little pouty lip and says, “I don’t know. You tell me. You seem to know more about me than I do sometimes.”
Jared stares at Jensen wondering why he came up with that and where it came from but he admitted jokingly, “I probably know you better than your own mother does.
Jensen laughed it off even though he felt uncomfortable about the whole thing and about Jared noticing he was going through something. He didn’t even realize it himself until last night in bed. ‘So, how is it that Jared can see right through me when I am like this?’ He thought.
Then Jensen remembers that his brother, Sam, on the show would know. Sam always knows Dean and his petty motions and movements. Sam notices the little things about Dean.
Somehow he knows Jared has also picked up on his tells just as he’s done with Jared over the years.
This is bothering Jensen so much that his thoughts cluster in his head and confuses him and he hates to lose control over himself.
Jensen waves his hand in Jared’s face and shews him away. “Stop that.” Jensen jokingly say’s. “Nothing is wrong” Jensen lies “You’re imagining things.” He says as he tries to fake smile his way through that one.
He then hears the buzzing of his cell phone on the counter and picks it up listening to another voice and after saying, “Yes.” Jensen tapped his cell and said, “It’s the driver…he is here. It’s time to go.”
Jensen was happy to hurry and change the subject. By grinning at Jared and rubbing Jared’s hair into a mess. He then grabbed his coat and went out the door. Jared followed and locked it.
After the two of them were finished in the hair and makeup trailer, they went to Jensen’s trailer to wait to be called on to the set.
Jensen was reading his lines out loud when Jared sat down next to him and began speaking his return lines. As if they were speaking as if they knew Sam and Dean that well they looked at each other and snickered at one another.
Jensen noticed Jared’s smile. ‘He has always had that smile even when we were younger,’ he thinks. ‘He still has it and he makes me happy when I see it.’ Jensen suddenly thinks to himself how that smile has always helped him in the past. He thought how that smile reassured him that nothing was going to go wrong or it was his way to help ease him in a difficult moment. He liked…no…he loved that about his friend.
Jared stands as a knock came at the door and said, “be ready on the set in 15 minutes.” Jared stood up and straightened up his clothes. Jensen just sat there and stared at him. He began staring at Jared’s face, his beautiful eyes and long hair. He stared at his body at a way he never really thought to do before. The clothes hung on him in a nice way. Jensen couldn’t believe that he caught himself staring at his friend like that and at the same time he noticed Jared studying him.
Jared looked at Jensen trying to comprehend what his friend was thinking. “Were you just looking at me?” asked Jared.
“No, I looked up and I was repulsed by you.” Jensen giggles. “Shut up man.” He said, changing the subject. “Let’s go. They need us now.”
Jensen opened the door to let Jared through first but then he slides his arm down to trap him. Jared grabs his arm and tries without success to brush it aside. “Starting early with me are you?” Jared questioned while giggling at the beginning of what is a normal day on their set. It is usually full of pranks and jokes.
Physical jokes were a big part of that. Jensen has never realized how physical he had been with Jared on the set of Supernatural in the past.
Jensen was standing there with his eyes dazed.
Jared says, “Hey man!” Jensen snaps out of it and allows Jared through the door and he follows him to the set. While walking behind Jared he ponders how he’s been thinking about all the little things about his friend over the years and how it appears he missed them. Then he thinks to himself that he hadn’t missed them he just hadn’t absorbed them.
Jensen stops in his tracks, ‘why am I thinking this way?’
During the long day of shooting and sitting around Jensen starts to let himself think every thought through. He even thinks about things he knows he can’t feel but knows he can’t deny.
Later that evening, Jensen already began to understand his feelings but he needs to tell Jared. He has told Jared everything in the past. So he decides to wait until the end of the shots for the day and tell him at home.
Jensen works until 9 pm that night with Jared. All day he is realizing there was more to it than what he had imagined about Jared.
He was more frightened than anything else. ‘How am I going to tell Jared without affecting our friendship?’ He thought. Oh boy it’s going to be a long night he sighs knowingly to himself in the car on their way home.
As Jared walks in the front door, Jensen allows his eyes to follow Jared while he studies the tall man with his long hair. He watches him as he walks over to the counter in the kitchen where he lays his cell phone, keys and wallet.
Jensen just stands there in awe and terror. He slowly closes the door and it snaps shut with a quiet click. Then he wipes the beaded sweat from his forehead. He feels so many different feelings building up in him it’s so overwhelming but he knows the time is now to get this out.
Jensen walks to his bedroom and takes off his clothes which are filled with the scents of a long day’s work. He tosses them over in the clothes basket. He then grabs a white V-neck t-shirt and a tight pair of jeans with a belt. He tucks his t-shirt in and keeps his socks on but leaves the shoes off.
As he comes out he peers across the hall into Jared’s room to see if he is still in there but doesn’t see him.
When he walks into the living room he sees his best friend lying on the floor in a t-shirt and sweats. His legs are sprawled out and arms outstretched as if he were trying to unwind.
Jensen’s heart is pounding faster and faster the closer he gets to Jared. He wants to pour out his heart and soul to this man lying there but is so afraid.
When Jared looks up he sees a very scared look in Jensen’s eyes.
Worried at the sight of Jensen, Jared pulls him down to the floor and has him sit next to him.
Jensen leans over and turns on the electric fireplace. He turns it down to a low setting out of consideration for Jared since he knows Jared gets hot too easily.
As Jensen sits there over Jared he knows it has to come out eventually but he is trying to figure out the right way to say these things to Jared. Jared stares up at his friend and asks, “What’s wrong Jen?”
“You’ve been acting strange all day! You didn’t even eat lunch”, he says frantically. Jared stares at him waiting for him to answer with a concerned look in his eyes.
Jensen still sits in a daze and gazing off into the corner. He’s not even looking down at Jared out of fear.
“You and I were on set all day and you messed up big time only during OUR lines. What’s up with that?” He waits patiently for Jensen to answer but sees only fear in Jensen’s eyes.
Jared realizes that Jensen must have been going through something all day now that he’s had time to think about it.
“Please talk to me Jen?” Jared pleads as he takes Jensen’s hand in his.
Jensen stares down at Jared and all that fills him up wants to burst out but he can’t even open his mouth.
Jared leans up on his elbows and takes a hold of Jensen’s chin and moves it towards his face. “Please tell me, Jen. I’m here for you. I will listen and do whatever I can.” He pleaded again.
Jensen looked down into Jared’s eyes once more but this time he feels warmth from his touch and the warmth coming from Jared’s loving smile and eyes. Jared waits for his friend to speak to him.
“J-Jare?”
“Umhmm,” nodded Jared.
Jensen’s voice shaking from fear and relief says to his best friend, “I’ve been thinking of things since last night and now all day and man I have to just take the chance and let it all out or just let it all go. I’m gonna explode if I don’t. I’m gonna break down if I can’t tell you and I have to tell you.”
Jared looks at his friend and notices it was him sweating more than normal this time. He even chokes on a word here and there while he looks into Jared’s eyes.
He notices that Jensen doesn’t let go of his hand. He holds onto him tighter and pulls Jared up to him and says, “Please, move in front of me.” I want to sit face to face and tell you my feelings.” Jensen whispers in a slight begging voice.
Jared looks at his friend and does as he instructs him to and he crosses his legs as Jensen has. They sit right in front of each other, face to face. Jared looks at Jensen with expecting eyes wondering what is it that is so bad that Jensen needs to tell him.
Jared is thinking, ‘It must be something awful for him to be so physically affected this way.’
Jensen takes Jared’s hands into his own and holds them tight and looks Jared straight into his eyes as he realizes now that he wants to just fall asleep in his arms instead. He shakes his thought about that out of his mind and reminds himself of the task at hand.
Jared looks down at how Jensen is holding his hands. Jensen’s hands seem strong around his. He also notices the shaking. Jared grabs Jensen equally tight in comfort to let him know whatever it may be he’s there for him.
Jensen finally begins to let the words come out.
Jared?
He looks at Jared’s beautiful eyes and tears begin to fill his own as he softly weeps to him. “I don’t want to lose you.”
Jared says, “I don’t want to lose you Jen! I’ll always be here for you whenever you need…
Jensen interrupts him saying, “No…never! I mean I can’t live this life without you in it! Jensen begins to sob as the flood gates were finally opening.
He looks into Jared’s eyes with want and desire.
Jared cautiously says, “I know how long we’ve been together has affected both of us so much. I know how much we need each other. I want you too!”
Jensen then takes his hands and softly places them on Jared’s shoulders and grips them firmly. “I really want you Jared. I want all of you. I want everything about you in my arms. I want that part of you that no one else could ever have.” Jensen said firmly. Jensen runs his hands down Jared arms flexing them.
Jared let’s Jensen hold him the way he is. And he thinks it over and over in his mind. He allows himself to go over Jensen’s words and lets them wash over him like a warm blanket. Jared closes his eyes and then opens them to gaze into his best friends eyes and then smiles.
Feeling awkward and uncertain, Jensen says, “What?”
Jared shakes his head back and forth with a small grin and says, “Jen, I have always known that this was going to happen sooner or later.”
Jensen becomes more fidgety and takes his hands and puts them together as he begins to twirl his fingers around each other in astonishment and curiosity. “Well, I didn’t!” Jensen replied sharply back at Jared.
Jensen still had tears on his face near his eyes and down his cheeks, Jared noticed.
Jared leans in and wipes the wet tears away from Jensen’s soft skin and he gazes at his dearest and oldest friend. He looks down and thinks to himself and then looks back into Jensen’s eyes and says, “Do you know how much I have loved you over these past years?”
Jensen stares at him blankly in shock and with even more curiosity. Then he asks Jared face to face, “why did you never tell me?”
Jared scratches his head and admits, “I never knew how you felt and couldn’t risk our friendship. I didn’t want to risk it, you know? And, I just loved being around you and loving you without you knowing.”
“So, you can stop being all worried and fearful about it all.” Jared says while smiling at Jensen.
Jensen begins to feel the relief burn in his skin and in his face. The warmth overtakes him and he feels his heart swell with tenderness for Jared. He reaches out for Jared and wraps his arms around him and pulls him closer to him while hugging him as tight as he can.
Jared smiles and rocks Jensen back and forth side to side and say’s gently in Jensen’s ear, “I love you.”
Jensen quietly says to Jared, “I thought it was too late.”
Jared pushes away to face his best friend and stares into his eyes.
With conviction Jared says to Jensen, “It’s never too late.”
Jensen smiles at Jared with one side of his smile curving upward.
Jensen repeats the words happily back to Jared, "It's never too late."
They both look into each others eyes and take hold of each others hands and lean in close then kisses each other with a passion.