Archive of Our Own

For the first time ever, their argument doesn’t end within a few hours. For the first time since they became something more, since they became partners, since they became friends, Lance and Keith are not talking.

They are not talking.

Keith knows he deserves this. That he doesn’t deserve Lance. But he’s selfish and Lance ignoring him — possibly hating him — kills something inside him.

Lance is probably better off without him, and the longer they are not talking, the higher the chance is of Lance seeing this too.

However, Keith has never been good with words. Or people in general. He knows Lance deserves the entire world, but he still hasn’t figured out how to give that to him. Lance said something about how he would have hung the stars in the sky just to see Keith happy, and Keith gets it — he would do anything to make Lance smile, to make Lance happy — but something like hanging stars in the sky is impossible. None of them can do it. Keith knows that for certain, because he’s researched it, and it really isn’t possible. Not even with Altean technology or any kind of alien technology (Pidge confirmed it).

The point is though, that no matter what, there is nothing Keith can do to express just how sorry he is to Lance. And he is, so sorry every breath he takes hurts.

Lance deserves so much better than him, truly, but he doesn’t know how to function anymore without Lance. Not just without his love — without them being together — but without his friendship. Lance is his everything, and he wouldn’t mind going back to just being friends as long as it meant Lance was still in his life.

But how could he even want that after this? Not that this time was that much worse than any other time. But that’s the problem, isn’t it — that there were other times, not just this one time.

Keith fucks up. He always does. And now Lance can’t even stand to look at him. Can’t stand being in the same room as him.

He knows he needs to fix this, fast, but Keith has no clue how. Lance deserves big gestures like hanging a new star in the sky just for him, but he can’t and it kills Keith. He wants to find a new planet just so he can name it after Lance and give it to him (though to be completely honest that is a terrible idea, because Lance’s ego is big enough and he would never stop talking about it, but Keith would still do it, just because he knows Lance would love it).

He’s trying to think big, to think about everything Lance deserves, and nothing seems enough. Keith is lacking, in everything it seems. Because all of his big gestures are impossible or just not enough, and he feels Lance slipping away every second ticking away.

Lance was fuming, so angry he almost punched the wall but he didn’t. Instead he ate his weight in Hunk’s food and moped, because they were stuck in space in a castle that was too big but still not big enough.

Now however, days later, he’s just sad. Just sad, because it’s been too long and he wants to apologize but he also doesn’t. Their argument is still sore, and Lance isn’t sure who’s truly in the wrong — probably both — but he misses Keith like a physical ache.

The nights are worst. He hasn’t slept alone in forever, and doing so now is not only strange, but sad and lonely too.

He misses Keith so much, but a voice in his head keeps telling him there’s a reason they haven’t tried to fix this — that Keith is tried of him.

Which, of course he is. Keith is awesome, and Lance is... Lance. He’s needy and sappy and so lame compared to Keith. It’s a wonder they even made it this long, but now that the honeymoon faze is over, Keith has probably realized what a complete mess Lance is. He’s probably just trying to figure out how to let him down easy, because Keith is just that amazing and Lance doesn’t even doubt that he would never hurt Lance unnecessarily if he can help it.

Lance should be the bigger person here; he should go up to Keith and tell him it’s okay, that he gets it. He knows after all that he’s a lot, that he’s intense and needy and just so much sometimes. He should tell Keith that it’s okay that he was too much for him, that they can stay friends — or not. It’s all completely up to him, really. Because even if Keith doesn’t love him anymore, Lance still does and he would never want to tie him down like that.

He’s not such a good person though, because Lance can’t do that. He can’t just let Keith go, even if he should. No one ever told him love could hurt this much, but dammit, the mere thought of Keith leaving him makes him panic. He can’t handle that. He doesn’t know how to handle that. He wants to fight for them, but how the hell does he fight Keith? Well, it’s easy to fight Keith. He probably wouldn’t win, but he would put up one hell of a fight. The problem is fighting Keith’s feelings. That’s... is it even possible?

He’s gone through every possible sappy thing he could try to win Keith back: giving him flowers, serenading him, proclaiming his undying love for him, make him the most epic meal ever, find him the perfect gift — but it’s not right.

Keith is a special kind of snowflake. The best there is no doubt. But he isn’t big into gestures and words and all that. If anything, the best plan would probably be to walk straight up to him and just lay it all out there, openly.

That’s not something Lance can do. He knows he would choke. Possibly also cry, which is a big no-no when you might possibly get dumped. Also, he doesn’t want to guilt Keith into staying with him if he really don’t want to — and Lance worries that he might do just that if he starts crying.

They have always been able to talk to each other. It has been their thing, the one thing that would always get them back together. Lance had even told Keith that communication was the key to a healthy and happy relationship.

So he should just go talk to him. Just go and tell him that he is sorry, but he won’t apologize. Or maybe that they both should apologize. But ultimately they need to do something because this separation thing and not knowing what Keith is thinking is killing him.

Maybe he doesn’t need to mention how scared he is of breaking up, of potentially losing Keith. Maybe they can just talk, and then something will reveal itself. Maybe Keith hasn’t grown tired of him...

But that’s wishful thinking.

Keith never avoids a problem, so chances are leaning toward him worrying about how to breakup with Lance without breaking his heart too.

They are both miserable.

It’s strange watching them cope in such different ways. Lance isn’t as good at hiding his sadness and tiredness anymore — his smile keeps slipping and he stares a lot into empty air. He’s also rarely ever alone, moreso than usual. And he doesn’t need to talk either, which is strange. Usually Lance always has something to fill the silence with, but now Shiro will usually walk past to see Lance just sharing silent company with Hunk or Pidge or Allura. 

Keith is the complete opposite. He avoids people like the plague. Shiro saw him physically drop three times yesterday while training, from pure exhaustion. Of course, Shiro is familiar with Keith’s coping mechanisms. He occupies his mind and body so he doesn’t have to think about whatever problem he’s avoiding.

“You need to stop,” Shiro tells Keith now. He doesn’t like meddling — he’s more of a watching from afar person and just seeing how it all plays out. But he can’t watch his Keith, his younger brother, exhaust himself until he passes out. He can’t watch while his brother is in so much pain.

Keith only grunts in return and continues fighting with the bot.

“Keith—“ Shiro starts again, just as Keith stumbles and the robot whacks him across the head and the boy goes tumbling down. The bot stops and waits for its opponent to rise, and Shiro sighs as he makes his way over. “Really, Keith...”

Shiro freezes for a moment, because Keith hasn’t risen. He wouldn’t have expected any of the other paladins to just jump up after getting hit over the head, but this is—

“Keith!”

When he doesn’t answer, Shiro curses and turns off the simulation while hurrying over to his brother. He’s out cold, which wouldn’t worry him so much usually, but Shiro has watched his brother refuse to eat and sleep for days now. Getting knocked out while already in bad shape doesn’t seem like a good thing.

“Idiot,” Shiro mutters as he hoists his brother into his arms. If he hadn’t been in a bad condition already, he’d let him suffer through it as a lesson, but this isn’t the time. “We’re having a serious talk once you’re out of the healing pod, bud.”

Lance goes ballistic. Of course he does. The love of his life is in a healing pod and no one will tell him why except a training accident which no. That’s not good enough of an explanation. Lance needs details! But more than that, he needs to see Keith’s stupid mullet and confirm for himself that he’s okay. 

What if he’s dead?

His mind keeps spiraling, and he’s not exactly sure what he’s about to do, except something bad, when Hunk ushers him away. He’s not saying anything at first, not until they enter Hunk’s room and his friend forces Lance to sit on the bed.

“Talk to me, buddy,” Hunk says, “I thought you weren’t talking?”

If there had been a table there, Lance would have flipped it. “He’s hurt!” he nearly screams. “I’m not going to hold a grudge while he’s dying, Hunk!”

“He’s not dying,” Hunk answered calmly. “He didn’t even look that bad; he’ll be fine in no time.”

Lance could feel his inside shrivel. Being here, away from Keith while he was hurt, was torture. It felt so wrong Lance couldn’t even describe it accurately. “I should be there,” he finally muttered.

“You should talk,” Hunk said. “To each other.”

“I know,” Lance answered in a hushed tone. He knew that, of course, but it was so much easier said than done.

“Okay,” Hunk said slowly, “if you know, why haven’t you?”

Lance stared at a spot on Hunk’s wall. It wasn’t a special spot, but it was something to focus on as he confessed his greatest fear to his best friend.

“I don’t want to lose him.”

Hunk frowned. “You’re not, buddy. People fight all the time, we’ve had our fair share ourselves, you know, and you haven’t lost me.”

“It’s different,” Lance said, his throat closing. He was so close to crying it was pathetic. Even worse, while he was confessing to Hunk that Keith was probably going to break up with him — the only thing Lance wanted was to hug and comfort Keith, to make sure he was okay and safe.

“How? Tell me how it’s different, Lance.”

One shrug and Lance felt utterly exhausted. “We haven’t talked for days, Hunk. Keith doesn’t just start ignoring and avoiding people. He’s worried about something.”

Hunk nodded, as if that made sense. It made Lances stomach drop. “He has looked a little... off. And Shiro did ask me if he’d been eating, which he hadn’t to my knowledge, but I don’t live in the kitchen either.”

Just like that, Lance felt his fate slide into place. He’d been right; Keith had been worrying about how to break up with him, so much so that he hadn’t been eating and training too much. So much that he hurt himself, all because he didn’t want to hurt Lance. 

“I need to talk to him,” he realized. Because he couldn’t let Keith go around hurting himself, not for him. It didn’t matter that the conversation would destroy him — better him than Keith.

Hunk smiled, and Lance forced to smile back. “There you go! Communication is key!”

Keith’s first thought when he came out of the pod was shit. Now he’d done it. Lance would be pissed that he got himself hurt while training.

Then he remembered their fight and the real possibility that Lance didn’t care anymore.

He felt like going back in the pod, or throwing up.

Instead, Shiro was there to give him the lecture of the year. He hadn’t been this much of a hardass since he was a kid and broke his arm after falling down from the roof. His face was set in determined lines and he kept his voice even and leveled. No yelling.

Keith was catching himself thinking about Lance and how he wanted to complain about this to him. About how he wanted to curl up on their bed — Lance’s bed really — together, and just rant until Lance would nuzzle his neck and then they would be a tangled mess of limbs.

He would probably never curl up on that bed ever again. The thought made him feel like dying.

Shiro was taking a deep breath, preparing to go on another rampage, when the door opened.

Keith suddenly couldn’t breath, or move. He was frozen in place while contemplating how fast he could run away because he couldn’t have Lance break up with him now. Possibly never.

Lance’s face was grim, which made Keith’s chest tight. It was really happening. He couldn’t hide anymore. Lance had made up his mind and come to deliver the news.

Shiro frowned. “Lance?”

“Hi,” Lance waved awkwardly, then put his hands behind his back and rolled on his feet. “Do you have time to talk? Keith?”

No. He needed to go back to the pod. Or finish his talk with Shiro. Or go back to the training deck and get revenge on the stupid bot.

“Sure...”

He’d never been good at saying no to Lance. He’d always liked indulging him. Even when they were rivals, he’d humored him. Saying no had never really stopped Lance either. 

Lance flashed him a quick, dry smile. All teeth and nothing else. It was empty. That was a harder slap to the face than anything else could have been. Keith would even have preferred to have Lance pounce him and beat the shit out of him instead of that smile.

“Keith...” Shiro’s voice was low and worried, as if he knew what was going on. Maybe he did. He’d always been an expert when it came to reading Keith’s moods. Now he probably screamed anxiety and panic.

He turned away from his brother, looking to the ground while taking a step toward the door — toward Lance.

“It won’t take long,” Lance reassured Shiro, and Keith felt it like a dagger to the heart. Of course it wouldn’t take long. They were just saying goodbye. Saying 'this isn’t working anymore so let’s move on. Let’s try not to make it awkward in the future, okay? Good, see you around I guess.'

Shrio was still frowning, but he tried to give Lance a small smile. “Take your time, maybe you can beat some sense into him.”

Lance gave a loud, nervous laugh. It was like needles to Keith’s ears.

“Let’s go then, samu—“ Lance swallowed the nickname and looked away. He looked a little pained, as if his slip up was painful, or maybe it disgusted him. Keith didn’t know anything else but the fact that it broke his heart. “Let’s go,” Lance muttered and was out of the room.

Keith followed.

Lance didn’t have a speech planned, but he generally knew what he wanted to say. He would avoid any mentioning of love, just to make it all easier on Keith. Saying that he still loved him, would always love him, would just be cruel at this point.

He also knew he should avoid nicknames and touching in general, because they shouldn’t do that anymore, right? Or could friends do that? Would they even still be friends after this?

Lance had so many questions, but they weren’t important now. The only important thing now was making sure Keith was fine and okay, and obviously he wasn’t fine with dating Lance anymore so he needed to fix that. Even if it broke him.

He was ready to just jump into it, lay it all out there, when he turned and saw Keith’s face.

He looked positively destroyed. His brave, amazing boyfriend wasn’t standing in front of him anymore. In his stead was a confused and scared person. Lance could also see dark circles under his eyes, as if he hadn’t been sleeping. And he looked thinner, as if he’d been actually starving himself the last couple of days.

“Keith—“ Lance gasped, wanting to reach out and touch him, hug him, but he stopped himself.

When he retracted his hand, Lance could see Keith’s face crumble. As if the fact that Lance hadn’t touched him hurt.

“I know,” Keith said, his voice hollow and thick. He sounded wrecked. It wrecked Lance in return. “I know.”

“What do you know?” Lance breathed. This wasn’t how he’d planned this conversation to go. Of course it didn’t go as planned. Keith never followed any of Lance’s plans.

“I know I fucked up,” Keith said, hands balling into fists. “I know I can’t fix it, I know. And you have every right to hate me, I don’t blame you, but I need you to know that I would do anything for you, Lance, even after— always. I will always do anything for you.”

Lance only blinked, for too long. Keith was shrinking in on himself, breathing hard and not looking at him. But he’d done what Lance couldn’t, and damnit, how could he even think that?

“Keith,” Lance said slowly. “I don’t hate you.” 

He actually cringed.

“You should.”

Lance’s heart broke. “Why?”

Keith was still not looking at him. “You deserve better, Lance, so much better.”

With two steps, Lance closed the distance and cupped Keith’s face. He knew he probably looked angry, but he couldn’t help himself. “We’ve been over this,” he whispered, hands tightening. “If anyone deserves better, it’s you.”

Keith frowned as he looked at Lance. “There’s no one better than you.”

His heart leapt, because Keith looked almost offended that Lance would insinuate differently.

He wanted so badly to kiss his forehead, his nose, his cheeks. He didn’t of course, because they still hadn’t actually talked about... anything.

“People can still be the best without being... compatible, you know?”

Keith’s face fell, and Lance was almost positive he’d read the situation wrong, but he just needed to make sure.

“Keith,” he said gently, “if we’re not a good match, you know you can say that, right?” 

“Do you think we’re not a good match?” he asked quietly back.

Lance pondered it for a moment, then decided to be as honest as possible. “I don’t really care. I would fight anything and anyone to be with you, except you. If you want out, that’s fine. It really is Keith. If you’re not happy, then you need to say it—“

“Of course I’m happy with you!” Keith interrupted. “You make me the happiest I’ve ever been!” 

Lance squeezed his face. “Really?” 

It was the angry frown now, as if whatever Lance had said made him want to fight whoever made him think it.

“That was the whole point of our argument!”

Lance almost bristled at that, almost. Instead he calmly said, “No. The argument was about you turning possessive and controlling.”

Keith stilled, frighteningly so. “I told you to be more careful.”

“And that I should stay back during the next mission.”

Another cringe. Did he regret that comment now? Lance technically knew it came from a place of love and caring. It still just didn’t sit right with him. 

“And you said I should stay back since I try to die every opportunity I get.”

Okay, so they had gotten a little heated and mean during their argument. They were both wrong.

“I know you don’t— I’m just worried, Keith, you need to understand that you take so damn many unnecessary risk—“

“Not anymore.”

Lance frowned. “Wha—?”

“I won’t risk not getting back to you. Ever.”

Lance groaned and pressed his face into the crook of Keith’s neck. “That’s so damn unfair! How can you say that? Jesus, do you know what you do to my heart, you bastard?”

Keith’s hands came up around him, careful. “Does this mean we’re not breaking up?”

“Of course not!” Lance yelled, muffled into Keith’s skin. “Though we need to discuss this argument more.”

“I’m not going on a mission without you.” 

This made Lance look up. “No?”

Keith’s face was serious. “You’re my right hand man, I can’t leave you behind. I won’t.”

Lance’s heart swelled, but he gave a scoff. “As if I would let you,” he said. “Someone needs to have your back.”

Keith smiled. “I know you can take care of yourself, and when you can’t, I will.”

He was such a smartass. But Lance loved it. Loved him.

“We’ll take care of each other,” he whispered.

Keith grinned. “Until death do us part.”

“You’re not allowed to die, samurai.”

“Right back at you, sharpshooter.”

“I promise.” 

“I promise too.”