Work Text:
"Freeing yourself was one thing; claiming ownership of that freed self was another."
-Toni Morrison (Beloved)
I have always known in my mind that the course of life is long and arduous, and full of its fair share of missed chances and squandered opportunities, full of trials and tribulations. To experience the world as we choose, with as much free will and freedom, one must take charge and own one's self, one's own decisions. Regret the outcome but never regret having made a choice. For the true freedom of choice is a rarity enjoyed by few.
It was that way for me then too. When I fought and fought to break free from all that tied me and suffocated me such that when I finally broke out I was little more than a shadow of myself akin to a puppet with its strings suddenly cut, without proper thought or direction. I ran far away but I was so adrift inside that all those myriad opportunities have been wasted and gone. I had been a shattered version of myself and I have spend endless effort since to put together again a semblance of a person who you won't recognize anymore. It took me years to be able to reach this point to see your name and not be undone.
And so, you will not be aware. When I saw your post, I had the beginning of tears in my eyes. I know your sentiments were for Toni Morrison's passing. But to see the photo of that book--And for the longest time I hadn't been sure if you had ever received that book I had left with someone else to be handed to you. And perhaps, it might not have been that same particular one I had gifted. But to see Beloved, I was moved and seeing that highlighted quote, moved again. I don't know how much you carried with you from the east coast to the west, but to know that you still hold this title that you once shared with me, words cannot describe the emotions swirling in my chest. But I can at the very least identify the regret that I had never read it then. When you said you were reminded of me in Toni Morrison's prose.