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As Bucky recovers and reclaims his memories, slowly but surely, Steve starts with “Hey, remember when …?”
"Remember when I had the biggest crush on Sarah Marsh?" he would ask.
"Yeah, she started talking to you and your eyes were about to pop outta your skull. Then she told you she had a crush on me and asked you if you thought I might like her, too."
"Yep. I did ask you, and you said - "
"No way in hell would I want anything to do with a girl that upset you."
Another day Steve asks “Remember in junior high all the girls started talking about going to the dance halls and we realized we had no idea how to dance.”
"We went home and made your mom teach us and I thought she was gonna fall over laughing."
And one day Bucky says to Steve, “I keep remembering candles on Friday and Saturday, my father’s hands on my head and my mother’s hands on my shoulders. We were all singing something. Do you remember it?”
"I - No, I don’t. I don’t think I was there for that."
Sam speaks up from where he’s playing WoW on his laptop. “Dude, I think you’re Jewish. My dad was a minster and he was always telling me about how he was sick of people not understanding other religions. There was this kid named Isaac in my 5th grade class and I knew he was Jewish and so I just walked up to him and told him I wanted to be his friend and would he please explain the Jewish thing.”
Bucky and Steve just look at him.
"Shut up. Anyways what you were saying with the candles and the singing, that’s what they did on Friday and Saturday. It’s Shabbat. They let me come over every once and a while and damn his mom made thebest challah.”
"What’s challah?"
"It’s - aw, dude, this is a travesty. It’s this awesome, braided, egg and honey bread they have on Shabbat. Oh! Hey! There’s a synagogue in the neighborhood, I’m gonna take you there tomorrow and you’re gonna talk to the rabbi.”
"What’s a rabbi?" Bucky asks. Sam covers his face with his hands and groans, sliding down his chair.
The rabbi’s name is Ber Tisch. Sam explains the situation as best he can and Rabbi Tisch only interjects occasionally (“So you’re - oh, okay.”). He invites Bucky to the weekly men’s group. “Services might be overwhelming at first. We’re a loud, nosy bunch. The men’s group is smaller, we talk about current events through the lens of Jewish culture and belief.”
Bucky is curious. But it’s more than curiosity that makes him want to go, there’s something about the ark behind the bima, the silver Hebrew letters spelling out prayers on the dark wood walls, the soft glow of the lamp that hangs above the ark. It’s inexplicably familiar without being unsettling. He feels calm, almost safe in a way he can’t seem to feel anywhere else.
He tells Rabbi Tisch he will be at the group on Sunday, and the Rabbi advises him to bring Sam and Steve along with him. “It’s okay to be nervous. This is a big thing to discover and it will help to have your family with you.”
And they are his family, Nat, Steve and Sam. Bucky’s chest warms and Sam claps him on the back. “Let’s go, big guy. I need some fries.”
Steve lends him a cozy green sweatshirt so he doesn’t feel self-conscious about his arm, and Nat gives him head-scratches and a forehead kiss before the boys head out. The meeting goes well.
The guys are funny. There’s a constant undercurrent of humor and seriousness and Sam fits in perfectly. Steve holds his hand under the table to give him a bit of an anchor and Sam knocks his shoulder against Bucky’s every few minutes. The current topic of discussion is the collective Jewish memory; the importance of story-telling and history-keeping for the Jewish people. The other men talk of their families and how their parents told them the stories of the Golem and how one man’s wife tells their daughters the story of Lilith.
There is a elderly father and middle-aged son in the group. The father keeps quiet most of the time and butts into the conversation with a few wry comments here and there. At the end of the meeting, when all the men shake the three men’s hands (none of them flinching away from Bucky’s the cold touch of Bucky’s metal hand), the father and son come up to them. “I remember you, the father says. When I was out of the camp I learned of you and him,” he says, pointing to Steve. “I learned as much about you as I could. Often I thought about how I would thank you if I ever met you. That war isn’t any of our favorite topic, so let’s not discuss it any further. But now I know how to thank you. If you would like it, we would have you over for Shabbos. My daughter-in-law makes excellent challah, you will like it.”
Sam excitedly whacks him on the chest, and Bucky says, “Thank you, we would like that very much.”
After the two men have left, Sam and Steve barrel into him for a happy group hug. Bucky smiles all the way home.
The older man’s name is Elijah Brenner, his son’s name is Levi Brenner and Levi’s wife’s name is Mariam Brenner. Levi and Mariam have twin daughters, (Abby and Rachel), and one son (Ben). Abby and Rachel are 6 and Ben is 9. Most importantly (according to Sam), Elijah was right and Mariam makes amazing challah (“You are a miracle,” Sam tells the challah in all seriousness. “You are a queen,” he says to Mariam.)
Levi teaches Bucky the prayer said over the candles, and they are lit at sunset. The nine of them walk over to the synagogue, Abby and Rachel clinging to Bucky’s pants and Ben telling Sam about his Pokémon deck. The service is short and Rabbi Tisch squeezes Bucky’s shoulder with a smile before they head back to the Brenner house.
They gather around the table and say the Kiddush over the wine, the HaMotzi over the challah, and settle down to eat. Steve and Elijah chat together, Sam entertains Ben with stories of his mischief in Harlem, Abby tells Bucky about her favorite animals (wolves) and Rachel tells Bucky about the mean boy in her class. (“He probably needs a hug. But make sure to tell him that no one wants to be around mean people and that you won’t give any hugs if he’s mean again.”)
They all say the the birkat ha-mazon (the after-meal prayer) and clear the table. After they’ve relocated to the living room, Levi and Mariam gather the girls in front of them and place their hands on their little ones’ heads.
(listen to the Fiddler on the Roof version of this prayer)
" May you be like Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel, and Leah.
יְשִׂימֵךְ אֱלהיִם כְּשָׂרָה רִבְקָה רָחֵל וְלֵאָה.
May God bless you and guard you.
יְבָרֶכְךָ יְהוָה וְיִשְׁמְרֶךָ
May God show you favor and be gracious to you.
יָאֵר יְהוָה פָּנָיו אֵלֶיךָ וִיחֻנֶּךָּ
May God show you kindness and grant you peace.
יִשָּׂא יְהוָה פָּנָיו אֵלֶיךָ וְיָשֵׂם לְךָ שָׁלום “
The girls hug their parents, move to the couch and Ben takes their place.
" May you be like Ephraim and Menashe.
יְשִׂימְךָ אֱלהיִם כְּאֶפְרַיְם וְכִמְנַשֶּׁה.
May God bless you and guard you.
יְבָרֶכְךָ יְהוָה וְיִשְׁמְרֶךָ
May God show you favor and be gracious to you.
יָאֵר יְהוָה פָּנָיו אֵלֶיךָ וִיחֻנֶּךָּ
May God show you kindness and grant you peace.
יִשָּׂא יְהוָה פָּנָיו אֵלֶיךָ וְיָשֵׂם לְךָ שָׁלום “
And Bucky remembers. He remembers his father’s hands on his head, his mother’s hands on his shoulders, their lilting voices swirling around him. He remembers the cozy, warm love of the prayer and tradition, how safe and happy he felt in the dwindling light of the candles, wrapped in his parents’s arms.
The children hug everyone before they’re shuttled off to bed. Levi goes to fetch their coats and Elijah hugs Bucky, Steve, and even Sam. Mariam gives Sam her challah recipe and Levi tells them, “You are always welcome here, all of you.”
In January, Steve, Nat, Sam, and Bucky meet the Brenner family and the rest of the synagogue by the river to plants trees for Tu B’Shevat. Ben spends most of the celebration on Sam’s shoulders, making the most horrific screeching bird noises. Abby and Rachel show Nat the movies they have learned in their dance classes and their martial arts classes.
Purim comes mid-March. The children coerce the four supers into joining them in acting out the story of Esther. Ben told Bucky to be King Ahasuerus, but he tensed and his hands started to shake. Steve moved closer and opened his mouth to speak, but Bucky was already relaxing and saying, “I’d rather not be the bad guy, today,” giving Ben a quiet smile. Steve, Natasha, and Sam watch on in overwhelmingly pleased surprise as Ben nods seriously and says, “I’ll be the nasty king today,” and hugs Bucky around the knees. Bucky giggles and Sam swears he hears Steve let out a happy whine. (“Like a puppy!” he teases later.)
In the end, Natasha plays Queen Vashti (with an impromptu resurrection and revenge attack at the end of the play), Sam plays Mordechai, Steve plays Haman (horribly - he couldn’t be nasty if his life depended on it), Abby and Rachel play the side characters, and Ben casts Bucky as Esther.
Levi, Elijah, and Mariam are the lucky audience members. They boo and crank groggors for Haman, sneeze for Ahasuerus, yell “you go girl” for Vashti, sigh and hum for Esther (Bucky maintains a healthy shade of tomato paste for the duration of the megillah), and clap for Mordechai. The beauty contest scene is a memory that will fade for no one.
At the end of the hilarious and humiliating megillah, Steve and Sam surprise the group with home-made hamentaschen, and they all dig in to the cookies and Levi’s basket of bread, fruit and cheese.
There’s something warm in Bucky’s chest. It’s not warm like the bone-melting fear he once felt constantly, it’s not warm like he’s working hard in the sun. It’s warm with unraveling confusion and braided comfort. He’s not sure if this is home or if he’ll ever have one, but the Brenners and his rescuers make him feel safe and even wanted. It’s something new.
Mid-April brings the beginning of Passover. The four roommates hunt through their apartment to clear out the chametz (wheat, rye, barley, oats and spelt).
"I CAN’T GIVE UP GRILLED CHEESE, NATASHA."
"You fly about like Icarus with waxen wings and you panic about losing your grilled cheese?"
(She finds a loaf of bread hidden in Sam’s sock drawer the day before Pesach and she sticks it in the metal wastebasket in the middle of their living room and sets it on fire, glaring at Sam through the flames as he whines and rants about his need for wheat. She throws a box of matzoh at him and it hits him in the ear.)
After Bucky makes matzoh brei for breakfast, Sam and Steve throw themselves into scrubbing the apartment inch by inch so he’ll make it again. (“It’s french toast with crackers. But it’s not french toast. It’s like crispy eggs. Wafer eggs. THE KIT KATS OF BREAKFAST FOODS”)
It’s just the four of them for the Seder. Rabbi Tisch asks Bucky why they aren't going to observe the holiday with the Brenners, and he doesn’t know how to answer. Ben squeezes his shoulder with a smile and turns to leave when Bucky finally knows what to say, “Passover is for family. The four of us. We don’t have blood family like the Brenners or anyone else from the synagogue. We’re all orphans, but we have each other. And Steve and I are old enough to stand for an older generation, anyways. We made our own kind of family.” The warmth that he felt during Purim is spreading, unfurling, and Rabbi Tisch hugs him tightly before they both leave.
And they are family, gathered around the table that Steve set so carefully, (he was always better with that sort of thing), the Seder plate centered on the table and Sam’s voice weaving the ancient story of miracles and liberation. When they get to the four questions they bicker amicably about who qualifies as the youngest and who will butcher the Hebrew the least. Natasha just picks up the paper with the prayers and recites the Mah Nishtanah with impeccable Hebrew. Steve nearly busts a lung when he takes a big bite of matzah and maror, wheezing and fanning himself and chugging back water. Natasha hogs the charoset and Sam dramatizes the ten plagues with a Shatner-esque flair.
The warmth in Bucky’s chest radiates through him. It’s contentment, the likes of which he’s not sure he’s ever felt. He and Steve sit next to each other, holding true to their covenant that goes spoken and unspoken (To the end of the line, they tell each other. To the end of the line, Steve’s arms seem to say as they wrap tight around Bucky and hold him close. To the end of the line, Bucky’s hands whisper as they clutch at the back of Steve’s shirt, immeasurably grateful for the constant comfort Steve provides him).
By the end of the meal they’re wine-loose and pink-faced as they sing the Birkat Hamazon. And when Steve and Bucky break out into a barbershop quartet version of “Dayenu,” they all break into a fit of giggles.
They migrate to the couch, bellies full with roasted root vegetables, matzah ball soup, charoset, and hard-boiled eggs that were dyed with onion skins and flowers.. Tasha sets up a surprisingly well-worn VHS of “Fiddler on the Roof”Att the end of the sabbath prayer Bucky finds his eyes feeling heavy, the ghost of his parents touch on his shoulders, the memory of their love soothing his bones and sending him to sleep. He wakes to “Sunrise / Sunset”, tucked up tight against Steve’s side, his feet on Natasha’s lap and, inexplicably, his silver hand held tight in one of Sam’s. Sam had fallen asleep sitting on the floor with his back against the foot of the couch in front of Bucky. His elbow was resting awkwardly over the edge of the couch cushion, but his hand maintained a firm grip on Bucky’s hand despite the evidence of him sleeping in the form of a size-able pool of drool on the couch cushion underneath Sam’s face.
He was warm with the bodies of his friends so close to him. He was protected with Steve’s arms tight around his chest. He was loved with his once-feared hand clutched tight in one of Sam’s. He was trusted with his feet in Tasha’s lap, her hands resting on her ankles.
Bucky slipped back into sleep, the echo of his parents’ sweet Shabbos prayers on his mind and a small smile on his face.