Chapter Text
Jonathan: grandpa dad
Joseph: xXBootyliciousBbyXx
Jotaro: ocean MAN take me by the HAND
Josuke: ultimate babey uncle
Giorno: im jus babey,,,
Jolyne: string cheese
Johnny: like a PONEY
Jojolion Josuke: Gap Tooth Man
→ Joseph added Jonathan , Jotaro , Josuke , Giorno , Jolyne , Johnny , and Josuke to the group
Joseph: Oh shit we have two Josukes
Josuke ’s nickname has been changed to Gap Tooth Man
Joseph: hehe
Jonathan: What Is This?
Joseph: it’s called texting
Joseph: jolyne showed it to me and i stole some phones and snuck them onto everyone so we can text
Jolyne: wait what the fuck??
Joseph: yeahhh pretty cool huh?? ha ha i bet you regret showing me now
Jolyne: did you actually just type out ha ha im shaking??
Josuke: hey uh
Josuke: what is happening oh my God??
Jolyne: yeah uh basically there are phones in the future and joseph’s a fucking lunatic and snuck them onto everyone?? how the fuck do you guys have signal
Joseph: wik
Jolyne: what the fuck is that
Joseph: wish i knew, i made it up, cool, right?
Jolyne: i have many regrets in my life but by far this is the worst, i’m trying to fight a fucking gay priest and my phone is going off like mad
Joseph: oh ok sorry
Jotaro: What is this?
Joseph: its a phone
Jotaro: What the fuck is it doing here, this is technology from the future. It shouldn’t be in the past.
Joseph: lol well sorry mr serious
Josuke: actually this is pretty cool hehe
Jolyne: please im about to die but this chat’s existence might just end me first
Jotaro: Wait are you actually about to die?
Jolyne: yeah lol
Jotaro: Oh
Josuke: what’s happening???
Jonathan: I Figured Out How To Send Words
Joseph: great job grandpa
Jonathan: How Do I Do A Smile Face
Joseph: uh @Jolyne?
Jolyne: kinda busy dying sry
Giorno: hey uh
Giorno: joseph why did you make this
Joseph: i dont know i thought it was cool it wasn’t just me though
Giorno: okay, i guess it is
Josuke: ok so like if you guys are from the future what’s going down there
Giorno: i just killed a mafia don that killed three of my teammates
Jolyne: i’m trying to murder this fuckign gay priest he’s very resilient
Johnny: I’m not too sure if it counts but I’m fighting the president over Jesus’s body
Josuke: what now
Josuke: ok so like how did you figure out how this works faster than jonathan???
Johnny: Who’s idea do you think this whole thing was? And whose infinite spin is sending signal to other timelines?
Josuke: holy shit that’s so excessive yet so incredible
Jotaro: I just killed DIO.
Giorno: oh shit my dad’s dead lmaooo
Jolyne: Oh my god my dad just died
Giorno: oh no i had really bad timing with that
Jotaro: What.
Jolyne: so uh the world is like fast or something now, also i love you dad
Jotaro: No, stop.
Jonathan: I’m At Home With My Wife. :-)
Josuke: what the fuck
Giorno: what the fuck
Giorno: i’m so sorry jonathan i’m very happy you’re home with your wife
Jonathan: Thank You Son. :-)
Joseph: top ten pictures taken before disaster
Jolyne: i fucking hate this chat johnny you are Terrible.
Johnny: i’m a blessing on this earth and you know it
Jolyne: fuck you johnny
Johnny : :)
Giorno: son??
8:00 am, Tuesday
Joseph: ok so like i’ve heard dio is a bad guy but he seems like a total dilf
Josuke: i can’t believe i had to read this with my own two eyes at 8am
Jolyne: i have so many regrets about teaching you guys about modern culture
Jotaro: Excuse me? What’s a dilf?
Joseph: dad id like to fuck
Jotaro: …
Giorno: thats my fucking dad???
Giorno: admittedly he DID fuck
Jonathan: But Dio Is Dead?
Joseph: oh yeah uh yep hes dead
Jotaro: I just killed him.
Jonathan: He Is Alive?
Jotaro: Unfortunately. He also stole your body.
Jonathan: :-(
Giorno: wait how the fuck did he do that shit
Giorno: does that mean i’m technically jonathan’s son
Jotaro: I suppose so? It seems like that would be the case since it would be Jonathan’s DNA rather than DIO’s.
Giorno: oh damn
Joseph: gay baby
Giorno: oh damn
Jonathan: I Have A Son! :-)
Jonathan’s nickname has been changed to grandpa dad
grandpa dad: :-o
Giorno: oh my god
Joseph: like no offense giorno but i’d fuck dio.
Jotaro: Shut up, Joseph.
Giorno: shut up joseph
Josuke: shut up joseph
Johnny: shut up joseph
Jolyne: shut up joseph
Giorno: jolyne! you’re alive!
Jolyne: kinda? long story short uhhhh time is moving very fast very speedy
Giorno: excuse me
Jolyne: like. It’s extra fast.
Jotaro: Excuse me.
Josuke: excuse me.
Giorno: does everyone have a time-based villain???
Jolyne: mine apparently accelerates time? it’s now like. tomorrow. and time is moving faster and faster so uh i guess my phone’s just gonna explode with texts
Josuke: mine can reverse time by an hour after… something, idk i didn’t get the whole thing tbh
Jotaro: Dio could freeze time for ten seconds.
Giorno: diavolo could delete time???
Josuke: hey what the fuck does that mean
Giorno: i wish i knew?? i have no clue how the fuck king crimson worked, but he’s dead now so that’s what matters
Josuke: why’re you guys fighting your villains?
Johnny: Remember what I said about Jesus
Josuke: yeah,,
Johnny: Ok so his body is super-powered and if you have pieces of it, you can gain power.
Josuke: what the fuck
Jotaro: Dio almost killed my mom.
Joseph: uhhh vampire dudes tryin to kill me and also gain Ultimate Power but rn im prepping
Giorno: diavolo distributed drugs to kids and that wasn’t a good policy, especially since people ODed easily so i took over and changed it.
Giorno: OH we offer free healthcare though
Josuke: oh shit italy is poppin
Josuke: are medical necessities covered
Giorno: you bet your ass they will be as a trans man i need my man juice
Josuke: oh my god me too
Jotaro: I’m also a trans man.
Giorno: oh my god??? im???
Joseph: ...what’s that mean
Johnny: I’m also confused rip
Giorno: oh uh
Josuke: basically we’re guys but we were born in the opposite gender body so like yea
Joseph: that’s cool!
Jonathan: Oh So You Are Like Dio!
Giorno: hey excuse me what the fuck did you just say dio is fuckign TRANS
Jonathan: Yes! When He First Arrived I Gave Him Some Old Clothes To Replace His Feminine Wardrobe. :-)
Johnny: oh my god i might know a trans man… reminder to apologize to hot pants
Josuke: his name is hot pants?? DIO WAS TRANS????
Giorno: give me like a solid year to process the fact that my DAD WAS TRANS???
Josuke: im having an aneurysm
Joseph: is it possible to be like… boy but also not?
Giorno: yeah, gender is a very fluid concept. you can identify however you’d like to.
Joseph: uh
Joseph: sometimes i feel like i’m a guy and sometimes i feel like i’m a girl
Giorno: that’s called genderfluid
Josuke: MY DAD IS TRANS????
Joseph: ay don’t get ahead of yourself idk yet just. Maybe.
Josuke: IM TRYING TO SIT IN CLASS AND LEARN AND IM LEARNING THAT MY ENTIRE LINEAGE CONSISTS OF TRANS ICONS AND ALSO MY FAMILY’S WORST ADVERSARY IS A TRANS MAN???
Jotaro: I suppose literally stealing a cis man’s body is a good way to transition.
Josuke: oh my GOD
Giorno: im SHAKING IN MY CHAIR
Josuke: oh yeah hows mafia life goin
Giorno: good, so far drugs are mostly off the street- it’s crazy what overnight rule of a gang can do. I’m working on the healthcare part, but i’ve been chillin down where my old boss used to hang out. the entire town is suffering from the loss of my boss. he was a good guy.
Josuke: damn, i’m sorry dude…
Giorno: yeah… it’s tough.
Josuke: okay but you’re like… fifteen? and you’re dealing with all this shit??? are you ok???
Giorno: i’m working on it. i’ll be alright, don’t worry.
Josuke: smh don’t be a dumb stubborn bitch ok?? let us know if you need to talk??
Giorno: fine ugh
Josuke: srsly come swing by Morioh sometime
Giorno: we live in two different times?
Josuke: oh yeah uh… i mean future josuke is still probably chillin there, give me a call
Giorno: ok, thanks josuke.
Josuke: no problem man
12:00 pm, Tuesday
Josuke: are all of us horribly traumatized
Joseph: ha ha
Jotaro: Yes.
Josuke: oof
Josuke’s nickname has been changed to ultimate babey uncle
Giorno’s nickname has been changed to im jus babey,,,
ultimate babey uncle: hey what
Jotaro’s nickname has been changed to ocean MAN take me by the HAND
ocean MAN take me by the HAND: Seriously?
Joseph’s nickname has changed to xXBootyliciousBbyXx
xXBootyliciousBbyXx: accurate
im jus babey,,: wait so this isn’t you joseph
xXBootyliciousBbyXx: ha ha no.
Jolyne’s nickname has been changed to string cheese
Johnny: :)
ultimate babey uncle: hey what the fuck
Johnny: it’s called changing the subject lmaoo
ultimate babey uncle: oh my god we’re all really traumatized
im jus babey,,: oof
ocean MAN take me by the HAND: You’re not wrong.
Johnny’s nickname has been changed to like a PONEY
xXBootyliciousBbyXx: @like a PONEY bitch
string cheese: bitch im out here dying in accelerated time and ur really over here giving people nicknames
like a PONEY: oh shit
ultimate babey uncle: yikes good luck jolyne
im jus babey,,: oof good luck… wish i could help
ocean MAN take me by the HAND: Go for his stand.
string cheese: ok but hes floating and i Cannot Float
string cheese: also hes gay for ur dad giorno
im jus babey,,: is everyone gay for my dad
xXBootyliciousBbyXx: yes but im also gay for my best friend
ocean MAN take me by the HAND: You would fuck anything, old man.
xXBootyliciousBbyXx: u right lmaooo
ultimate babey uncle: this just in joseph’s a monsterfucker
ocean MAN take me by the HAND: We all already knew that. This isn’t new news.
ultimate babey uncle: oh shit jotaro’s going off
xXBootyliciousBbyXx: i feel like we need to add our pals in here
ocean MAN take me by the HAND: I think that’s a terrible idea.
grandpa dad: I’m Sure Speedwagon Would Be Interested! :-)
old town road: lemme figure out how to get more phones and then we can do the thing
ultimate babey uncle: did u really just say pals im quaking what year do you even live in
xXBootyliciousBbyXx: 1939??
ultimate babey uncle: oh my god
xXBootyliciousBbyXx: what?
ultimate babey uncle: isn’t that like right before ww2???
xXBootyliciousBbyXx: there’s a second one??? what???
ocean MAN take me by the HAND: Yes.
im jus babey,,: maybe we shouldn’t tell each other about time stuff???
ultimate babey uncle: good idea
ultimate babey uncle: but @im jus babey,, are there more pokemon games
im jus babey,,: depends, what gen do you have
ultimate babey uncle: gen??? there are More???
im jus babey,,: yup i’m playing pokemon gold rn
ultimate babey uncle: pokemon gold???
string cheese: just wait until 2011 ;)
im jus babey,,: wait what
ultimate babey uncle: wait what
string cheese: we on gen 5 out here
ultimate babey uncle: wait WHAT
string cheese: oh shit i didn’t finish it god DAMN it im gonna die before finishing pokemon
ultimate babey uncle: oh no
im jus babey,,: oh no
im jus babey,,: maybe focus on… not dying
string cheese: u right lemme get back to trying to fight pucci
ocean MAN take me by the HAND: What’s Pokemon?
ultimate babey uncle: a very good video game
ocean MAN take me by the HAND: Hm.
ultimate babey uncle: it has fish pokemon
ocean MAN take me by the HAND: Ah. How do I get this game?
ultimate babey uncle: wait about ten years
ocean MAN take me by the HAND: Ok.
ultimate babey uncle: ok so like im getting stared at by my teacher??
im jus babey,,: put your phone away???
ultimate babey uncle: YEAH but i wanna TEXT
im jus babey,,: josuke pl e a se
ultimate babey uncle: ok im gonna give this to okuyasu for a sec bc he wants to say hi
im jus babey,,: who??
ultimate babey uncle: hey!! i’m okuyasu! josuke’s best friend!
im jus babey,,: oh hey that’s nice
im jus babey,,: i’m giorno, i’m in italy atm
ultimate babey uncle: nice to meet you!!!
ultimate babey uncle: wait it’s like noon here… isn’t there a 7 hour time difference? does that mean it's 5am there?
im jus babey,,: yes. I can’t sleep. It’s fine.
ultimate babey uncle: :/ ok im giving this back to josuke because he read what you said and now he’s worried
im jus babey,,: damn it.
DMs between Giorno and Josuke
Josuke: ???? dude???????
Giorno: leave me alone
Josuke: :(
Giorno: stop
Josuke: :’(
Giorno: ugh fine the diavolo shit is really getting to me
Giorno: i can’t sleep without having nightmares about how diavolo murdered all of my fucking friends
Giorno: like the only people who actually gave a shit about me are fucking dead right now and they all died in terrible bloody ways
Josuke: fuck, i’m so sorry gio
Giorno: it’s fine. I’m fine.
Josuke: dude you’re a fifteen year old mob boss you have a shit ton on your shoulders right now it is NOT fine
Josuke: ok i’m gonna add jotaro because i think he can help
→ Josuke added Jotaro to the group.
→ Josuke renamed the group to Therapy Squad
Jotaro: Hey Giorno, I know it’s difficult, but you should find a doctor who could help you with this.
Giorno: i don’t need a therapist??
Jotaro: I’m seventeen, and about the same thing happened to me. My best friend is dead, two of my other friends are dead, and I watched Joseph get killed by DIO before he was revived. I’m fucked up mentally. I know I need help. You need to accept that, as well.
Giorno: :l
Josuke: ok but he’s right though
Giorno: fine
Josuke: ok, good. now just try to rest?
Giorno: i’m too scared to sleep
Josuke: ok… how about we just talk until you can sleep
Giorno: i don’t think phone calls work
Josuke: well texting works so i don’t see why calls wouldn’t
Giorno: fine
Josuke: just let me get out of class really quick and i’ll call you
Giorno: ok
8:00 pm
Giorno: hey uh
Giorno: thanks.