Chapter Text
Thursday, January 7th, 12:15
To: Unknown Number
Unknown Number: right so ive bought the fireworks and the water guns where do u want me to be
Unknown Number: i think herc is catching onto us and im scared. he asked me what i was doing so i said i was starting a cult
Unknown Number: i mean i think he believed me??
Unknown Number: john??
Thomas: Who
Thomas: The actual fuck
Thomas: Are you?
Unknown Number: oooh right, i got a new phone, just change my contact details. anyway tell me where i should go
Thomas: Seven thousand feet away from me. I don't know who the fuck you are, but something tells me that you should never be trusted with fireworks.
Unknown Number: wait, r u john?
Thomas: No. No, I am not - or have ever been - John.
Unknown Number: um
Thomas: Good luck with whatever the fuck your doing, then. If I were you, I'd try to give 'Herc' a different reason. Cults aren't that popular, so I'm sure your lie will be very quickly found out.
Unknown Number: i dont need luck and i dont need your advice, i know what im doing
Unknown Number: bye
Friday, January 15th, 03:15
To: Stranger
Stranger: so
Stranger: whats your name?
Thomas: I'm not telling you, you're a random stranger who constantly messages me.
Stranger: and youre a random stranger who keeps replying. bored much?
Thomas: My god, would it kill you to use basic grammar?
Stranger: hey ruck you ads home
Thomas: ...?
Stranger: *FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE
Stranger: its a new phone, okay?
Thomas: Oh my.
Thomas: The eloquence.
Stranger: im sorry not all of us waste precious seconds meticulously editing every single fuckin message in existence. not all of us have the time, o grand wizard of grammar and punctuation.
Thomas: Clearly.
Stranger: im not talking to you anymore
Thomas: Hey, there's no need to be like that.
Thomas: You woke me up, you might as well keep me company.
Stranger: wait where tf r u? whats up with ur sleeping pattern? are u secretly an alien with serious correction issues? thatd explain so much
Thomas: I won't answer any of your questions until you talk like a human person.
Stranger: ur a terrible person.
Thomas: I mean it.
Stranger: ffs
Stranger: *wait, where are you?
Stranger: happy?
Thomas: Very. As far as I'm aware I'm not an alien, and this might shock you but the world doesn't share one timezone. I'm on a business trip in Paris.
Stranger: ooooooooooooh, a buisnessman
Thomas: I never said I was a man.
Stranger: ooooooooh mysterious. what should i call you, o person of mysterious origin and occupation?
Thomas: You can use my initials; T.J.
Stranger: oof, theres no trust :(
Thomas: What should I call you?
Stranger: a.h
Thomas: Ah.
A.H: shut up tj
A.H: u know if u use fullstops at the end of everything it makes u sound constantly angry
Thomas: That's because I am constantly angry. I just hide it behind a vail of soul cutting sarcasm which matches how dead inside I am.
A.H: ok sam meer
A.H: *sane
A.H: *sane
A.H: *S A M E
Thomas: This has been bugging me all week. What the hell are you doing with both fireworks and water guns? Why would 'Herc' be detrimental to your schemes?
A.H: herc hates fun. also, my friend is coming back from france for the first time in like, months, so john and i are going to surprise him because we're nice people
Thomas: I'm shocked. You have friends?
A.H: are u usually this much of an asshole to everyone u meet?
Thomas: Actually, I've been told that I can be quite charming. Besides, technically I haven't met you yet, so I don't need to pretend that I'm a decent person.
A.H: you?
A.H: charming?
A.H: i doubt that
Thomas: Was that a challenge?
A.H: maybe
Thomas: Then maybe you should watch your back, A.H.
A.H: bring it on, tj
Friday, January 17th, 10:21
To: A.H
A.H: oh my god
A.H: tj
A.H: tj, i ate two boxes of lucky charms and just did some quick mathematics
A.H: so the serving size i had was 2000 grams because im sad and i eat my feelings, but anyway last time i checked i weigh 56kg
A.H: do you know what this means?????
Thomas: The lack of capitalization in your 'i' is really distracting.
A.H: it means
A.H: right now
A.H: i am 2% lucky charms. i am a man that is 98% human and 2% lucky charms. i am powerful. this is my true form
Thomas: I don't know why I haven't blocked your number.
A.H: probably because im 2% lucky charms and you need some luck in your life. you should get somr lucky charms theyre great
Thomas: I hardly need lucky charms, I've got you.
A.H:
A.H: i just
A.H: what?
Thomas: Told you I was charming.
A.H: youre a little shit
Thomas: Why did you feel the need to update me with your status? The more you message me, the more I'm concerned that I'm messaging a twelve year old.
A.H: im an adult man with an adult job and an adult apartment. besides, if i was twelve, i wouldnt be able to buy fireworks
Thomas: Seriously, you need to use capitals. I can't read what you're writing without getting a headache.
A.H: no
Thomas: Why do you keep on messaging me? I could be a serial killer.
A.H: so could i.
Thomas: Judging by your previous texts, you're a cereal killer.
A.H: no no no
A.H: no no no no no, tj. we were friends and then you went and did that.
Thomas: We were never friends.
A.H: yes we are. ive decided we're friends and there's nothing you can do about it
Thomas: A.H, are 'John' and 'Herc' actually hostages?
A.H: very funny tj. i message you because my friends are - and i quote - 'too ducking tired its one in the morning and you should be sleeping'
A.H: *fucking
Thomas: Your life is tragic.
A.H: why do you message back?
Thomas: I'm bored and you're a distraction.
A.H: oh okay wow
A.H: im offended.
Thomas: Okay. I don't care.
A.H: ur genuinely so mean to me. all i ever did was offer a branch of genuine friendship and you just throw it back in my face. i see how it is, tj. i see.
Thomas: Still don't care.
Friday, January 19th, 15:21
To: A.H
Thomas: Entertain me, I'm bored.
A.H: hi bored im alex
A.H: u
A.H: wait
Thomas: So, this is Alex.
Thomas: Short for Alexander, I presume.
A.H: no its short for albatross
Thomas: Alex, are you sure you're not twelve?
A.H: hahaha youre so funny
Thomas: I'm returning to the lowest circle of hell. Try not to somehow break both hands and/or your phone whilst I'm gone.
Friday, January 19th, 19:40
To: Alex
Thomas: My name is Thomas, by the way.
Saturday, January 20th, 11:21
To: Alex
Alex: so, now that we're Officially Friends I've decided to Make a snowman For you. also, Because I'm feeling Generous, I've capitalized some of My words.
Thomas: I just want you to make grammatical sense, that's all. Not Random Capitalization That Makes You Sound Like a Shitty Buzzfeed Article.
Alex: thomas idk how but that authentically hurt all four of my feelings.
Thomas: That's my specialty; hurting people's feelings. What does the the snowman look like?
Alex: jpeg.npl22
Thomas: Alexander, that is genuinely the most terrifying thing I've ever seen.
Alex: hey!
Alex: its adorable and youre just jealous >:(
Thomas: When I look at that, I see a creature in pain. What poor rodent have you sacrificed during a satanic ritual in order to endow this suffering snow-thing with sentience?
Alex: its cute! it has cute eyes and a cute carrot nose and a cute scarf that took herc a full half hour to knit
Thomas: It also has vampire-like teeth. Why did you think it was a good idea to give a snowman teeth?
Alex: you know what im never ever making you a snowman again
Thomas: Good. That thing will stay with me for the rest of my life.
Alex: youre so mean to me
Thomas: I'm too old to give a shit about what a random stranger thinks about me.
Alex: how old r u?
Thomas: I'm not telling you. You already know too much.
Thomas: Next thing you know, I'm sending you my DNA sequencing so that you can secretly clone me and get my identical clone to do evil bidding.
Alex: that sounds like a you problem
Alex: are you 60 or something?
Thomas: I'm between the ages of 20 and 25.
Thomas: But I'm not telling you my exact age because if you somehow hunt me down and start harassing me during work I will be fired. And then I'd have to hunt you down and sell your organs on the black market.
Thomas: See how that might be an issue for me?
Alex: not really.
Alex: im 21
Thomas: You're younger than me.
Alex: oof
Thomas: This wasn't a surprise, considering the fact that you can't string together a coherent sentence.
Alex: dbahabsbsbdbdb
Thomas: You can't see it, but I sighed.
Alex: its like, really cold out here
Thomas: It's snowing, did you expect it to be warm?
Alex: i mean that would've been nice
Thomas: You disappoint me
Alex: :)
Sunday, January 26th, 03:17
To: Alex
Alex: so we've been talking for about three weeks
Thomas: Don't remind me. It's bad enough having my friends tell me how sad my life is.
Alex: your life isn't sad; im in it
Thomas: You're right.
Thomas: It makes my life downright depressing.
Alex: fuck u
Thomas: Well that's rude.
Alex: you started it
Alex: because youre mean
Thomas: It's in the middle of the night and you're messaging me. You're the mean one.
Alex: I'm tired so technically we're in the same spot. besides, youre less annoying than john
Thomas: What do you want?
Alex: idk
Alex: just to talk, ig
Thomas: About?
Alex: tell me about yourself
Thomas: I don't like the color yellow
Alex: what did yellow ever do to you?
Thomas: :-|
Alex: ew why does it have a nose?
Thomas: For fucks sake, Alexander, not all of us have Voldemort emoticons
Alex: ooooh sorry your highness
Alex: what house r u sorted in?
Thomas: Gryffindor
Alex: by god
Alex: my enemy
Thomas: You don't seem cunning enough to be in Slytherin.
Alex: yeah well youre stupid
Thomas: Thanks.
Alex: if u could go anywhere, where would u go?
Thomas: Back to my home in Virginia.
Alex: homesick?
Thomas: No
Thomas: I just
Thomas: Maybe. Just a little.
Alex: awww thats so sweet!
Thomas: Alexander, I will kill you.
Alex: wanna see something cool?
Thomas: Not really, but you're going to show me anyway.
Alex: jpeg.alr20
Thomas: Oh
Thomas: I'd forgotten that sunsets happen earlier in Winter.
Alex: itd be a nicer view with you here ;)
Thomas: That'd be a nicer sentiment with punctuation.
Alex: oh, you wound me!
Thomas: jpeg.wct42
Alex: theres no snow
Thomas: Thankfully.
Alex: but how will you build an army snowmen??
Thomas: I won't?
Alex: theres so many stars around where you are. idk if there'll be any in nyc
Thomas: Paris is better away from all the industrialism. It's my last few days here, so I'm taking some time to myself.
Alex: how long have you been there?
Thomas: Five years.
Alex: fuuuck
Alex: no wonder youre homesick. id hate being away from my friends
Thomas: James visits once every three months, which is nice. Besides, I've made new friends.
Alex: like me :))
Thomas: You've grown on me.
Alex: like a friendly tumor
Thomas: Such romantic imagery.
Alex: im plenty romantic!
Thomas: Sure.
Thomas: As shocking as this was, it was nice talking to you, but sleep is more important
Alex: byyyeeeeeeee!
Monday, January 27th, 16:21
To: Alex
Thomas: Wake up. I've checked online and it's 10:14 in New York.
Alex: ive been up since five, sleep is for the weak
Thomas: Sleep is for people called Alex who think that they're too cool for healthy habits.
Alex: oddly specific
Thomas: What are you going to do today?
Alex: nothing
Thomas: :-\
Alex: where r u rn?
Thomas: ...Paris?
Alex: u know what i meant
Thomas: jpeg.ktm20
Alex: why is it sunny??
Thomas: Global warming.
Thomas: We're all slowly dying but at least the weather is nice.
Alex: well its snowing by me. again.
Thomas: Are you going to build an army of snowmen, then?
Alex: you knew me so well!
Alex: I told herc what i was gonna do and he approves!
Alex: I'll name one after you ;)
Thomas: I've always wanted to be named after a cold, unfeeling creature that will die the next day.
Alex: THOMAS JR WILL NEVER DIE
Thomas: Alexander.
Thomas: Saying that will make me want to buy a plane to New York, track you down, purchase a car and kick the living shit out of your creation.
Alex: he's my baby.
Alex: i love him.
Thomas: There are many things wrong with that sentence.
Alex: heyyyy no need for the jealousy
Thomas: In your dreams, sweetheart.
Alex: no, thomas.
Alex: in our dreams.
Thomas: Sounds like communist propaganda but okay.
Tuesday, January 28th, 14:00
To: Alex
Thomas: Alex
Alex: yknow just typing my name is weird
Thomas: If I tell you something, do you promise not to laugh?
Alex: I'm mot going to lie to you, but I promise I'll try my best.
Thomas: I impulse bought you a snowglobe. It somehow reminded me of you, since there's snow and the fact that the Eiffel Tower looks like it's in pain (not bread), which is how I feel whenever I talk to you.
Thomas: jpeg.nso263
Alex: !!!!!!!!@@@@@@!!!! (@9@9!9@9!9#(@(!! (!!!!!!!!!9@8#9@(!8!8!8@!
Alex: hOly shiT
Alex: you're now my new favourite person
Alex: you can deny it alllllll you want but now I know the truth
Alex: you, thomas no-last-name, are fond of a random stranger who messaged you by accident
Thomas: You're so fucking weird
Alex: you're avoiding the fact that you like talking to me
Thomas: You're a good distraction.
Alex: yh, cause you like me
Thomas: James broke his phone and can't talk to me. You're a substitute.
Alex: i don't see how thats an issue and youd still text me, even if james had his phone
Thomas: No, I wouldn't.
Thomas:
Thomas:
Thomas: Okay, I would, but you're still a pain in the ass.
Alex: a massive pain :)
Wednesday, January 29th, 15:02
To: Alex
Alex: so in return for the snowglobe i have printed off pictures of our snow babies and put them in a lovely decorated frame
Thomas: Please tell me you didn't.
Alex: jpeg.njs54
Alex: Ta-Da!
Thomas: Thanks, I hate it.
Alex: ive got artistically varying angles. herc says itll haunt his nightmares so ive hung it in our living room
Thomas: You should change its location whenever 'Herc' leaves.
Alex: you're terrible, i love it
Thomas: So
Alex: so...?
Thomas: How long have you and 'Herc' been together?
Thomas: Hello?
Thomas: Alex?
Alex: sorry i was laughing so hard i dropped my phone and then it powered off like a traitor
Alex: herc is taken, btw. his bf is off in france and hes too lonely in their apartment so he's living with me and my other *currently in a relationship* friend, john.
Alex: i showed this to herc and he started laughing
Thomas: Good to know that I'm being laughed at by you and 'Herc'
Alex: and john. just showed this to him
Thomas: Thanks.
Alex: he said we're an all male harem and youre welcome to join
Thomas: I'm all in for a good time.
Alex:
Alex: gay
Thomas: Wow. Your detective skills are a waste here. Begone, a brighter future awaits you.
Alex: wait so ur like, gay-gay???
Thomas: Normally when a man says that he'd be up for an all-male harem, that means he is 'gay-gay'
Alex: yessssssss
Alex: i knew it
Alex: youre one of us
Alex: one of the cool kidz
Thomas: You're so fucking weird, Alex.
Thomas: I have to go, I'm doing the last of my packing up
Alex: ttyl
Thursday, January 30th, 14:21
To: Alex
Thomas: Alex
Thomas: Alex
Thomas: Alex
Thomas: Alex
Alex: what?
Thomas: There's a wasp on the plane and I'm scared. It's right fucking next to me.
Thomas: Send help.
Thomas: Call the priest and tell him to give me my final rites.
Thomas: This is how I die.
Alex: smh youre so fuckin dramatic
Thomas: Show a dying man some sympathy!
Alex: bzzzzzzzzz
Alex: bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Alex: (the wasp is right behind you)
Thomas: Okay, fuck you. The plane hasn't even started but istg I will throw hands.
Alex: was that
Alex: thomas did u just use an abbreviation????
Thomas: Flight mode is going on.
Alex: aww :(
Thomas: Before I leave, I needed to tell you this;
Thomas: I don't like you.
Alex: youre the fuckin worst
Alex: i thought it was going to be a grandiose love confession or a last second change to your will in case the wasp killed you
Alex: thomassssssssssssssss
Alex: thommm
Alex: tj
Alex: whyd u abandon me tj
Alex: u know flight mode isnt even that important. so what if you cause the plane to crash? you get to message me in return
Alex: though tj for real mssg me when you get back cause if u die and u dont tell me id be so pissed
Friday, January 31st, 02:12
To: Alex
Thomas: Alexander, how the hell am I supposed to tell you if I'm dead?
Alex: YOURE ALIVE!!!
Thomas: Unfortunately. I fucking hate jet lag.
Alex: ouch. travelling sucks. its why you should abandon all outside communication and becomr an off-grid spoon whittler
Thomas: *become
Alex: *shut up
Thomas: *I will block your phone number
Alex: i actually gasped.
Alex: you wouldn't.
Alex: you love me too much
Thomas: I don't know your last name
Alex: Hamilton
Thomas: That was not an invitation, and you can't just go and give out personal details to random strangers you've never met.
Alex: I'll give you my life story if you want
Thomas: No!
Thomas: Aren't you even slightly concerned that I could be trying to steal your identity?
Alex: not really, no
Thomas: You're impossible
Alex: :)
Alex: welcome home, anyway
Thomas: I know it's stupid, but it doesn't feel like home.
Alex: you know it's two in the morning when the serious conversations start
Thomas: Alexander.
Alex: okay, okay
Alex: have u got friends with you?
Thomas: James is in a different state. He doesn't know I'm back yet.
Alex: Then that's probably it. You could just call him.
Thomas: I'm shocked.
Alex: at my good advice?
Thomas: At your first ever grammatically correct sentences.
Alex: damn it thomas we were having a moment
Thomas: I'm not bothering him at two in the morning. That's just rude.
Alex: u could call me?
Thomas: Would you accept?
Alex: take lead and find out
Calling contact: Alex.
Call request: Accepted.
Friday, January 31st, 03:21
To: Alex
Alex: you'll get this in the morning - just to clarify, after about thirty minutes of *serious talk*, you started slurring about how much you loved whiskey, then became very sad about not having said whiskey, and promptly fell asleep.
Alex: it's very obvious you're not good at staying up late
Alex: so yeah
Alex: goodnight/good morning