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When they finally get Yasha back, Beau keeps her distance, at least for the first few days. She watches her though, even if she doesn’t say anything. Yasha can feel Beau’s eyes on her at all hours of the day, and though she can’t blame the other woman, even she can only take so much. Despite it going against everything in Yasha’s nature and comfort to confront her about it, she winds up volunteering to take a watch with Beau. The tension in the group is palpable, but Beau doesn’t object to it, at least not verbally, so the pairing stands.
Yasha doesn’t really think about the fact that she doesn’t have a plan until they’re already sitting together in the quiet of the night, the crickets doing their best to fill the oppressive silence. She begins to wrack her brain, trying to come up with something to say, anything really, but what can she say that isn’t akin to stepping into a field of monsters? Besides, she is afraid, as well - afraid that she’ll be hated or rejected, and they all have every reason to do it. Not for the first time, she finds herself wishing she had even a small bit of Caduceus’s frankness or Jester’s charm or Mollymauk’s bravery…
That last one hurts all the more, not least of all because now she’s thinking about how he would have reacted to all of this. Would he have been understanding? Or would he judge her all the more for it given his own willingness to walk away from a past he couldn’t remember while she just couldn’t leave well enough alone? Her thoughts begin to spiral, some familiar - like she is a coward and undeserving and should leave - and some newer -things like please don’t let her friends abandon her, she’s lived without them now and she doesn’t want to do that again.
“Yasha…”
Beau’s voice is quiet, but it cracks against Yasha’s consciousness like a slaver’s whip. She didn’t realize she’d begun shaking until Beau brings her back to reality. She hopes Beau hasn’t realized it either.
She waits for Beau to continue, but the other woman has fallen silent again. For a short moment, she wonders if Beau has fallen asleep, a thought that brings her equal measures fondness and panic - fondness from Beau having such a human moment and panic because what does it mean if Beau is saying Yasha’s name in her sleep?
Finally Beau says, “I’m glad you’re back with us.” Her voice is soft, even for a whisper, and there’s an almost quiver in it, enough to make Yasha’s chest ache.
She says, “Me too,” both because she doesn’t know how else to respond to this and also because it’s true. She’s struggled with herself so much these past few months - at least, the Mighty Nein tell her it has been months; she’s had no real concept of time since that underground cavern. She has wondered constantly if her actions have been some real part of her personality or if they have been the effect of some kind of spell. However, what she has become certain of is that she must once have been a truly terrible person who did truly terrible things, and that makes her ache, makes her glad she has forgotten. She does not want to know what additional awful things she has done in her life.
“I’m so sorry, Yasha,” Beau whispers, and this time there is a definite crack in her voice. It’s hard to make out, even with dark vision, but Beau is most certainly crying.
Yasha reaches out for her, hesitates, then completes the action, placing her hand over Beau’s - she isn’t sure which one of them is shaking more.
“You have no reason to apologize,” she says, and she means it.
“We should never have left you.” There is an undercurrent of anger or frustration in Beau’s words. Sometimes with Beau it’s hard to differentiate between the two.
“You were right to,” Yasha says, and this, this is one of the few things she is sure of. “I would have-” he voice cracks, catches, but she manages to power through. “I would have hurt you. All of you. Badly.” She does not say “kill” because as much as she tries to be practical, and as much as she knows this is true, it’s one thought she cannot entertain. Enough of her loved ones have already died by her negligence; she doubts she could ever move on if any of the Nein actually died by her hand.
“If that had happened,” Yasha continues, “I could not have come back from that.” She squeezes Beau’s hand and does her best to look her in the eyes as she says, “You all are my hope.”
Beau doesn’t say anything to that, but she does turn her hand so that they are palm to palm. With a confidence Yasha almost envies, Beau interlocks their fingers and gives Yasha’s hand a squeeze.
“I won’t ever let anything like that happen again,” she vows, and Yasha smiles despite herself. Beau is so very good, despite what she may say or think about herself.
“You cannot promise that,” Yasha says, but knowing a protest is soon to follow it, she continues, “but I appreciate the conviction. We will both do our best to make sure such things never happen to any of us again.”
She lets Beau stew on that for a moment, listens to the sounds of the night around them once more as she waits. Somehow, the quiet isn’t so overwhelming now, sitting like this with Beau’s hand in hers and knowing she was missed, was worried over, that she is cared for once more in her life.
The thought I am very lucky, Zuella. I hope you don’t mind passes through her mind.
Finally, Beau says, “I’m glad you’re here.” It is a statement Yasha could have many interpretations of, but the softness of Beau’s tone leaves her knowing that she is nothing but sincere and relieved, and Yasha can’t help smiling.
“Thank you, Beau.”