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Changkyun looks outside as he feels the plane slowly landing. It has been three (or four?) years since the last time he stepped at Incheon Airport. He holds his chest, trying to calm his heart down, repeating the same mantra: “Your fine now, Changkyun. You’re fine”. He breathes in, breathes out, until he is no longer a bundle of nerves. Once he has collected himself, he opens his eyes and puts on a smile.
“It’s fine”.
Once he has arrived, he looks around, trying to find his way out. Definitely no one is there to welcome him. He told his friends he’ll be back but didn’t give them out the exact date and time of his arrival. It’s not meant to surprise everyone; he wants to test if he’s ready to face everyone without putting on a facade.
He walks out of the airport and hails a taxi. He tells the driver the location he wants to go to, a place he knows by heart.
He peers through the window and observes the places the cab is passing. Not so much has changed. There are more skyscrapers built, he guesses. The entertainment company building he auditioned in when he was 15 years old has gotten bigger. The boy group they debuted in has gotten so popular locally and overseas. He remembers one coming in Boston for a concert tour and during the d-day, streets were filled with fans, causing heavy traffic. Changkyun was one of those people stuck, but he didn’t complain. He’s proud of his countrymen thriving abroad.
Changkyun smiles to himself. What if he continued his training, could he be one of the potential trainees who landed a place in the group? Would he be able to let people hear his self-composed songs? Maybe yes. Maybe no. Yet he has no regrets at all.
His thoughts get interrupted when the cab came to a halt across a familiar park. He gently taps the driver’s shoulder to call his attention.
“Excuse me, mister. Can you please drop me off in the corner?”
“But sir, we’re still far from your destination”.
“It’s fine. I know this place”. He reassures the driver. The driver pulls over, and helps Changkyun with his luggage. He pays the bill, even more than what he has to pay but he doesn’t care. He feels extra generous today.
He walks around the park as he drags his luggage. There are only few people there: owners with their dogs in leash, mothers taking their children out to play with other kids; teenagers giggling with each other, and lovers sharing ice cream. He sits down on one of the benches, and stretches his legs.
His attention is caught by a Bichon Frise pup running around. He wants to touch it but it would be strange to do so. He resorts to just staring and reminiscing.
“Yah Jin! Stop running around! You’re seriously gonna tire me out!”
Suddenly Changkyun heard a gasp. Behind him was a man, about his height, hair dyed in brown. Bag slinging around in his left shoulder, a camera hanging on his neck, while holding a file case on his right arm. He guessed he was a university student like him too. Whether he was younger or older than him, he didn’t know. But one thing was prominent, there were stars in his eyes as he watched Jin run around and it was too cute for Changkyun to handle.
He cleared his throat to call the stranger’s attention. “Would... would you like to pet him?”
As if the stranger had forgotten his presence, his cheeks went red and started scratching his neck. A habit, Changkyun supposed.
“Is it okay? Sorry I didn’t mean to interrupt your time with your dog but yes, I’d like to pet him”.
Changkyun watched as the stranger patted his dog’s head. Jin warmed up to the stranger immediately and started giving him kisses. The stranger chuckled and Changkyun felt his heart melted both from the sight and the sound of the man’s laughter. It was beautiful.
“I’m Kihyun”. The man looked up, meeting Changkyun’s eyes. He was taken aback a little, and suddenly felt conscious. The pair of eyes in front of him weren’t judging. It was warm and comforting and at that moment, Changkyun felt his walls breaking down. And he knew, Kihyun’s gonna change his life.
“It’s Changkyun, call me Changkyun”.
Since that day, they had gotten closer, spending time to know each other more.
Changkyun stands up, and continues on his stroll as he remembers he has more places to go.
Despite the long distance and an additional baggage he’s carrying on, Changkyun never felt his legs giving up. Maybe it’s the excitement and the adrenaline rush taking over him he feels not even an ounce of pain. He walks further, looking around the familiar streets.
He passes by a run-down building beside a barber shop. Four years ago it housed his favorite pc room and ice cream shop. Months later a fire broke out and since then it was never refurbished. Thankfully there were no reported fatalities but since that unfortunate event the place is never refurbished. Until now.
Changkyun feels his throat dry from the lack of hydration so he stops by a convenience store. He examines the exterior; nothing has changed except the painting. It used to be blue back then, and now it’s green. He steps inside and went to the fridge. Which one to buy, he laments.
“I’ve told you many times, Changkyun drinking coffee daily, thrice a day can get you killed!”
Kihyun puts back the cheap coffee Changkyun was holding and instead, put a can of orange juice in his hand.
“But hyung! I need to stay awake tonight! I have tons of homework to do!” Changkyun attempted to put the orange juice back but Kihyun blocked his way.
He sighed. Changkyun was hardheaded but Yoo Kihyun was much more stubborn so he yielded and admitted defeat. He always let him win anyways.
“If I fall asleep and forgot my homework, I’ll blame it to you”.
Kihyun was unfazed though by the threat. ”How about I’ll be your coffee then?”
Thank Heavens Changkyun wasn’t drinking because if he did, he could have sputtered the juice in Kihyun’s face.
“W-what?”
Kihyun hit his head and replied. “Stop overthinking, you dumb. I mean, I could go to your place or you could go to my place, whatever works and do our assignments together. In that way, I can watch over you. If you start dozing off while finishing your work, I can just whack your head to wake you up”.
Changkyun blinked his eyes, and tried to process Kihyun’s words. “Sure. That seems to be a good idea”. Or maybe not when you’re gonna spend time with your crush.
That night he didn’t sleep a wink. He couldn’t especially when there was an incessant stammering on his chest the whole time. He realized he didn’t need coffee; he needed Yoo Kihyun.
Changkyun blinks his eyes. He grabs the bottled tea and walks to the counter. He pays money and dashes out of the convenience store.
He catches the sight of a brick wall and he knows that finally, he has reached the neighborhood. He feels the wall, not even flinching when his fingers touch the icky moss. Sometimes, he wonders what the experience is like if he has psychometric powers like Lee Ahn. What kind of memories will flash before his eyes if he uses his psychometric power on the old wall? Will he see the historical past? Or the last person pinned on the wall? He wonders.
He walks further until he reaches the apartment building. He greets the young man in front and asks for his keys.
“Oh, you’re the owner of unit 514! I’ve been working here for a few years now but it’s a mystery to me why no one lives at unit 514. I just see a tall, handsome man drops by with a cleaner once a month”.
‘Lee Minhyuk’ he supposes.
“Yes, it’s my bestfriend who helps me maintain the place while I’m abroad”. He hopes that is an enough statement to end the conversation but he’s wrong.
“There’s also this handsome man, about your height that often visits the place. At the beginning I thought he was a robber but my grandmother said they knew each other and he isn’t a bad person”.
Changkyun freezes. Could it be... him?
“Thank you so much. I’ll go ahead now”. He excuses himself.
His heart pounds so hard as he stands outside his door. It has been a long time since he last stepped here and once he goes inside, there’s no turning back. He has to embrace the reality he once ran away from before. It’s time.
As he steps in, a familiar scent of wood fills the air. Everything is in place just how he remembered it. The place is well-kept. Minhyuk is indeed reliable.
He takes off his shoes and puts down his luggage and bag on the floor. He plops down on the couch and makes himself comfortable. He eyes a note on the coffee table and quickly takes it.
‘Hello shithead. I know you’ll be here soon unannounced. Don’t fuck with me. Call me ASAP.’
Changkyun laughs. Minhyuk knows him too well. He should probably give him a ring tomorrow morning. He imagines the surprise and outrage on his bestfriend’s face. Definitely a sight to see.
His eyes darts toward the old tv across him. He’s pretty sure it’s no longer working. He knows because no television lasts in Changkyun. It overheats either from watching too much movies or from playing computer games.
“Haha! You won’t ever beat me!”
Changkyun laughed as he watched Yoo Kihyun pouting so hard.
“Of course! You’ve been playing this game since you were 12!”
“See? There’s no need to compete with me. I’ll always win anyways”. Changkyun teased further. “Loser”.
Kihyun immediately stood up and grabbed his bag. “I need to leave”. Panic rose in Changkyun’s head because one, he never meant to make Kihyun upset and two, he wanted to spend more time with him.
So before Kihyun reached the door, Changkyun grabbed his hand. “Hey please! I’m sorry”.
Kihyun kept quiet. His head was still down making Changkyun more nervous.
“We can watch a movie you want. It’s up to you to decide”.
Kihyun glared at him and smirked. “Anything?”
Changkyun nodded.
So that night, for the first time in his life, he binge watch a series of romantic movies with none other than Yoo Kihyun. The older was attached to his arm, using Changkyun’s sweater to wipe his snot. It was supposed to be disgusting but because it’s Yoo Kihyun, he found it cute.
Changkyun stands to open the window. It’s getting dark outside and there are more people on the streets, workers going home after a long day of work, and students coming home from school. He breathes in the cold air. Damn, the air three years ago was much cooler than now. Climate change has indeed done so much damage than people realize.
“Kihyun close the window, I’m freezing!”
Changkyun was wrapped in a blanket and drinking a cup of tea Kihyun prepared for him.
Kihyun cooed at him and pulled him closer.
“Aww, you’re so cute!”
“Hey! You’re gonna suffocate me!”
Kihyun stuck his tongue out and tightened his hold on Changkyun. “I thought you want to feel warmth?”
“That’s exactly what I said! I didn’t tell you to kill me!”
But Kihyun just laughed at him and pinched his cheeks. “C’mon, I’d make you feel warmer”. He pulled the blanket away from Changkyun.
“No! Stop!” But before he took a step forward, Kihyun pushed him to the couch and lied down on top of him. Changkyun felt a hand slip under his shirt, and gently caressed his stomach.
Kihyun gave him a mischievous smile and leaned forward, breathing hotly on Changkyun’s left ear. “I can warm you up with my body”.
Kihyun was right. His body felt like it’s on fire. And maybe, he could get used to this kind of warm. If only it could last.
Changkyun closes the window. He doesn’t shiver anymore. Or maybe he still does but not as much as he did before. He has gotten used to the cold - literally and metaphorically.
He enters his bedroom and turns on the light. Just like in the living room, nothing has changed. Certificates from competitions he won still hangs on his wall and a picture of his family still stands on his bedside table.
He checks his study table; his favorite books stacked in order. He pulls the drawers one by one. Nothing interesting.
He opens his closet and sees a few of his clothes hanging. Those need to be thrown away; it no longer fits his body frame. His body has gotten bulkier, his chest wider. And he can confidently say he looks more ravishing than before.
He bends down to pull another drawer and suddenly coughs as cloud of dust pops in front of him. Of course Minhyuk will miss this because no matter how close they are, his best friend still respects his privacy. And this particular drawer holds his most important memory. He took the rusty camera and dusts if off. There’s too much dust accumulated it hurts his eyes and nose as he wipes it off. He wishes he could just throw it away but he can’t. Not now. But soon he will.
Changkyun groaned as light flashes before his eyes.
He peeked and there in front of him was none other than Kihyun, holding a camera comfortably as if he wasn’t naked.
“What? Why are you taking photos of me? Are you gonna put my photos in a pornographic material?”
Kihyun smiled but didn’t stop from capturing his photos. “Sorry, I can’t help it. You look beautiful and delicious “.
He smirked as put his arms over his head. “Really?”
“Yes”. He crawled over Changkyun and peck his lips. “I especially love those purple and red marks on your milky skin”.
“I see. But I need my talent fee”.
“Sure, but I can pay you with something else. Is that okay?”
Changkyun met Kihyun’s lips and grabbed his ass. “More than okay”.
Changkyun takes his phone out and dials a number.
“Hey Min, I’m back”
xxx
The bar is filled with too much noise, much to Changkyun’s displeasure. But he doesn’t want to complain when finally he gets to bond with his friends after four years.
Minhyuk hit his head then embraced him tight when they met a few days ago. He scolded him, telling how stupid he was for leaving all of a sudden. Yet he wailed as he professed how much he missed his bestfriend. Changkyun knew there’s no point in apologizing as he had been forgiven right away.
Jooheon buries his face on Changkyun’s neck with tears in his eyes as he sees him that night. It stabs his heart. He is so focused in running away and healing he forgot it hurts his friends in the process.
That night, Jooheon clings to his arm like a koala, not letting him go. It’s cute, but is slightly annoying. But he’ll tell his friends later that there’s no need to cling to him. He never plans to go, not anymore.
He’s too focused on Jooheon that he almost missed the presence of another person in front of him.
“Changkyun”.
He recognizes that sweet, angelic voice. The one that sent butterfly to his stomach every time he laughed; the one that drove him insane every time he heard his sinful moan on bed. But that was all in the past.
For the past few years, Changkyun has imagined several scenarios in his head once he and Kihyun meet. One is his voice will tremble and knees will go weak, and instead of talking to Kihyun he runs away. Or he would bawl in front of him and desperately beg to choose him one more time. But as Changkyun meets Kihyun’s eyes, it’s neither of the two.
He smiles and offers his hand. “Kihyun, long time no see”.
“Same, Changkyun”.
Kihyun is still beautiful. But he’s as beautiful as Minhyuk and Jooheon. He’s no longer special.
xxx
Changkyun and Kihyun steps outside to take a breather.
Everything is silent but there’s no awkwardness in the air. Just pure comfort and silence.
“How are you?” Kihyun asks.
“Great”. He smiles at Kihyun. “And you?”
“Happy”. He’s not lying though. Amidst the weariness evident in Kihyun’s eyes, it sparkles like stars.
“Changkyun... Are you back for good?”
He nods. “I found a job here in Seoul so yes, not leaving anymore”.
“That’s great then”. Silence.
“You know I visit your apartment from time to time”.
“Yes, I heard”.
At that moment, he could have asked ‘why’ but he knows, no matter what the reason is, it would be pointless and won’t change the situation they are in. He knows that Kihyun is perfectly aware of it too.
The silence is interrupted by the loud ringing of Kihyun’s phone.
-“I’ll be there in a while. Is Hyungwon awake?”
-“Okay. Love you”.
Changkyun watches Kihyun as he talks over the phone. There’s an unrestrained smile plastered over his face. And it’s beautiful.
“I need to leave. I need to say goodbye to Joo and Min”.
“How’s your wife?” Changkyun asks.
“Sangah? She’s doing great although a bit sensitive due to pregnancy “.
He hums. “I brought some gifts for your son. I’ll send it to your house soon”.
“No problem. Are you going with me?”
Changkyun shakes his head and replied. “Go ahead. See you again “.
He watches as Kihyun go back inside the bar. He feels happy and relieved.
The first year after the break-up, it was devastating. His mind was muddled with ‘what ifs’ and the more he thought about it, the more he felt miserable. But he learned that the more he dwells in the past, the harder it is to move on.
Their ending might be bitter but everything that happened in between was beautiful. Changkyun has no regrets. The love he and Kihyun shared is now just part of his happy and beautiful memories.
Maybe someday he can find someone new he can build happier and more beautiful memories with.
xxx
Changkyun realizes he has been gone for too long and his friends are probably worried. Suddenly, he hears a sneeze coming from his side.
Near him is a man, with blonde hair and well-built body, freezing from the cold.
‘Cute’ he thinks.
Without hesitating he untangles his scarf and hands it to the stranger.
“Oh my!” The man flinches in surprise, much to Changkyun’s amusement.
“Here. You can use it. I don’t feel cold anyway”. Changkyun reassures. The stranger seems to be troubled, probably thinking if he should accept it or not.
Changkyun moves forward and puts on the scarf to the stranger. “You can have it”.
Just as he’s about to enter the bar one more time, the stranger pulled Changkyun towards him.
“What-“
“Lee Hoseok”.
Changkyun frowns. “Pardon”.
“I’m Lee Hoseok”.
“Im Changkyun”.