Work Text:
The Catalyst
Bakugou Katsuki had a great life. He was popular, a star rugby player and had excellent grades. He was practically the poster boy of the ideal high school experience. He had a great home life – even if the hag was a bitch at the best of times – and had every material possession he could ask for.
There was one thing he wanted and didn’t have.
Midoriya Izuku.
Oh yeah, Katsuki was a total closet case for stupid Deku. He thought about him all the time, had been thinking about him all the time since he was a runt. He would have the kid for himself by now, if not for the fact that he’d gone and fucked that one up for himself back in middle school.
Up until that point, he and Deku had grown up the best of friends. They lived next door to one another and always played together. Katsuki was always trying to impress his childhood crush by showing off his strength and Deku was always wide-eyed and receptive. Kacchan, sugoi was a phrase he had heard from those beautiful lips more times than he could count. Everytime they had been alone and Deku had sputtered it out, Katsuki couldn’t help but kiss him. Innocent kisses on the mouth when they were young, kisses on the cheek when they were old enough to understand what kissing on the mouth meant, and then back to kissing on the mouth again when puberty started to kick in and they wanted nothing more than the sweet sensation.
Things had gone to shit in the second last year of middle school. The year when Katsuki accidently outed Izuku to their close-minded peers. He hadn’t meant to, let’s make that clear. Sure, he always teased Deku when they were at school but the green-haired fool KNEW that he had to if he wanted to be cool like the rest of the kids. Deku understood that, and he tolerated Katsuki being there when he was tormented in exchange for gentle kissing and apologies every afternoon. But one day, the other boys had been picking on Deku and told Katsuki to steal the notebook the boy wrote in almost religiously.
So he did it, he took the book and held it away from Deku, the boy reaching out for it with pleading eyes. Being called names and being pushed around, he could handle. This, he could not.
“Please, Kacchan, give it back!” His eyes were full of tears, and as much as Katsuki wanted to give in, he just couldn’t. He knew what it took to be popular and this was part of it. The blonde just wanted to be cool, so that Deku could tell him how amazing he was.
He almost gave in and handed the book back but before he could, it was snatched out of his hands by one of the other boys and opened up. The kid scanned it before cracking up and reading it out loud, “Kacchan is so pretty. I just want to touch his hair and feel how soft it is. I want to look into his eyes until I figure out exactly what shade of red they are.” The kid grimaced before laughing again, “Oh my gosh! Midoriya is fucking gay. Get a loud of this, Bakugou, Midoriya is so fucking gay for you, how disgusting!”
Katsuki had stiffened, Izuku had started sobbing.
Everything was ruined between them that day.
Izuku transferred to another middle school and the two of them didn’t speak again.
That was, until high school.
He and Deku had both ended up at a prestigious selective school because of their amazing grades and extra-curricular talent. Katsuki was a star on the rugby field and Deku was a promising violinist. It was awkward, when they realised they were in the same class. But when Katsuki was face to face again, it was like he was back in middle school and secretly kissing Deku under the bridge near their houses.
The two of them had blushed, looked away from each other and not spoken until much later in the term when they were finally settled. No one at this new school knew about Izuku being gay because all the extras from middle school didn’t have the grades or talent required to get into such a selective school. So things were better the green-eyed twink now. He was happier and Katsuki wasn’t going to ruin that happiness for him, even if he got the sneaking suspicion that Deku lived in fear that the blonde would out him.
As if. He’d fucked his chances already, he wasn’t going to make things irreparable.
But things were good. Katsuki proudly wore the number 15 full back jersey and was already well on track to meeting his goal of scoring the most tries ever for the school rugby team. He had a group of friends he didn’t ask for but was secretly glad he had. His grades were awesome and if he spent enough time studying he could almost forget that there was a gaping Midoriya Izuku sized hole in his heart.
One fateful Sunday, before his game, he saw Deku sitting on the sidelines with round face. He was grinning ear to ear and laughing with her as they spoke. Katsuki’s heart clenched when he saw that stupid smile and he only wished that Deku could smile at him like that again.
Seeing his crush on the sidelines made Katsuki want to play even better than he usually did. He was going to crush those extras from the other team and his talent would shine so bright that Izuku would just HAVE to look at him.
Sure enough, the motivation drove Katsuki to play better than he had so far that season. He scored four tries and played like a professional. At the end of the game, when he was awarded player of the match, he searched for Deku in the sea of faces cheering for him. He wasn’t hard to find, that hair making him stand out everywhere he went. Izuku was looking at him all right, clapping for him with that wide grin. Katsuki wished he could go over there, pick Deku up and plant one right on his lips.
But he couldn’t. He was too much of a coward. Besides, he’d fucked things between them years ago. Instead, he looked away from that freckled face and talked with his team, congratulating each other for the win. Out of the corner of his eye, he swore he saw Deku give him one last lingering look before leaving with round face.
Late that night, he was finishing the last of his homework for the week when there was a knock at his bedroom door. It was weird, considering his parents rarely disturbed him and if they did it was just the hag yelling at him to do something or other. He figured if there was at least the decency to knock, it must be the old man.
“What do you want?” Katsuki called through the door, not bothering to get up from his desk to open the door. As if he’d stop what he was doing to get asked to take out the trash or some shit.
“Son, can we come in?” He heard the old man respond, quietly.
We? That was weird. Surely his ma would just come barging in if she had something to say to him.
“Yeah whatever, but hurry up coz I’m busy.” He responded, still not looking up from where he was doing equations, even as he heard his door open and his parents shuffle in. He saw the two of them sit on his bed from his peripheral. They were being weirdly quiet.
“Katsuki, we need you to look at us for a minute.” His mother said, voice sounding uncharacteristically small. That really got his attention and he had to turn his chair and look at his parents. They were sitting with their sides pressed together, his father looking at him sadly and his mother with tears streaking down her face.
Katsuki didn’t know what to think, this was not normal for them at all. His heart dropped to the floor, already knowing that whatever they had to say would be bad news.
He just never expected that the bad news would be what it was.
“Son,” his dad reached forward and put a hand on Katsuki’s knee. “We have something we really need to tell you. I need you to promise that no matter what we tell you, you won’t do anything to hurt yourself.” His voice was both soothing and stern. What the fuck was going on? He’d think they were getting divorced if they weren’t still pressed up against each other like leeches.
Katsuki nodded, not trusting himself to respond until he knew what was going on. His mum cried even harder, now actually sobbing. His dad had to put his arm around her and rub her shoulder for a second until she got a better grip of herself.
He still didn’t know what the fuck was going on. Was it possible for your heart to have totally stopped and be racing at the same time?
“Katsuki, I’m so sorry. We just got a call from Toshinori, he and Inko have been at the hospital since this afternoon…”
The blonde didn’t let his father finish, interrupting him. “Why? Is something wrong with Aunty?” He hadn’t really spoken to Inko in years, but if something was wrong with her, it would make sense that his mother would be upset about it. The two of them were really good friends.
“They weren’t in the hospital for her, son. Gosh, I don’t know how to say this. I’m so sorry,” his father had to stop and take a breath. It was like the old man himself needed to try and stop himself from crying.
It was Izuku wasn’t it? Katsuki didn’t even want to think it, but he knew it had to be. Did the kid have cancer or some shit?
“Izuku…they pulled him out of the river. They tried to save him on the way to the hospital…but they were too late.”
His entire world stopped in that moment. He couldn’t see anything. He could hardly breathe.
Izuku couldn’t be dead…he had just seen him that morning! No. No, he couldn’t be gone. No.
No.
No.
No no no no no no no no no no n-
He was hyperventilating now. He could feel the hands of his parents rubbing his thighs and shoulders, trying to ground him. But he couldn’t see anything. In the back of his mind, he registered the sensation of tears sliding down his cheeks. But he didn’t feel it. Not really.
All he could feel was his organs all being bunched up, crushed together and squeezed tight. His heart felt like it had been physically trampled on.
Through his laboured breathing, he was able to get one word out. The one thing that was on his mind.
“How?”
His head dropped forward, fingers threading through his hair and tugging. He needed to feel something GODDAMMIT! Something other than this pain in his chest!
Tears dropped onto his own lap as he sobbed, unable to control his reaction.
God, not stupid Deku. Please, anyone but him. Katsuki needed him. He LOVED him, for fuck sake.
He felt his dad squeeze him, “They think he jumped off the bridge…he took his own life, Katsuki.”
And with that, he blacked out.
{ }
He startled awake, panting and with tears in his eyes. He wished he died in his sleep. How could he wake up in a world without the boy he had loved as long as he could remember?
He groaned, lifting his hands to his face to grind the palms of his hands against his eyes to get rid of the tears that were there. He couldn’t cry. This was just his life now. He had to live in a world without Midoriya Izuku in it. It was going to be fucking garbage but he had to make it work. Had to be strong, to prove to that idiot that he could be fine without him.
He sat up, chest feeling heavy with the weight of this new reality. Just as he was about to try and hold back tears again, he noticed his rugby uniform hanging over the back of his chair. He hadn’t left it there last night because the damn thing was in the wash. He only left this uniform there on Saturday nights, so that he could change into it for his Sunday morning game.
So why was it there?
His phone buzzed and he picked it up to check it.
Shitty hair: get hyped for the game today, boys! Let’s show them who's boss!
Katsuki frowned. They only played on Sunday. And he could have sworn he got the same text yesterday, before the game they won.
That was when it hit him.
Could it be that it had all been a dream?
He checked the date on his phone. Sure enough, it was a Sunday. The day he thought he had just lived through. The day Izuku died.
But, no. That really must have been a dream.
But why would he dream that he received this same text?
Was there a glitch in the fucking matrix?
Katsuki rushed to check his messaging app to check when Deku was last online. If it had been recently, he knew that it would really have had to be a dream.
Last active 20 minutes ago.
He was alive! It really was Sunday.
What the fuck.
Dazed and confused, he went about getting ready for his game. Doing everything as he normally did. Like his day was normal. Which it was. Because Izuku was fucking alive.
But why did he feel like it was too good to be true?
Damn, that stupid dream really got to him.
When he got to the game, he breathed a deep sigh of relief at the sight of Izuku sitting on the sidelines with round face.
He was smiling. He was alive.
Katsuki couldn’t take his eyes off of Deku. He was so beautiful. He just wanted to pull the boy into his arms and squeeze him tight to check if he really was present and breathing.
The adrenalin rush from seeing Deku alive and well drove Katsuki to play the game just as well as he had in his dream. Just like that, he won player of the match. And just like that, he watched Deku smile and clap for him.
Over lunch, he rode the high of the whole experience. But in the afternoon, when he went home, his mind changed course again.
What if Deku really was going to jump today?
Surely, it wasn’t out of the realm of possibility? Practically everything that had happened to Katsuki today had happened in his dream. So, maybe there was a chance that Izuku would dare to take his own life. He couldn’t imagine the boy actually doing it. Sure, he was a cry baby but he was strong in his own way and he had been so happy for so long. He was so damn happy that morning, that Katsuki couldn’t imagine how he could go from that to jumping off a bridge.
He tried to think of other things, convincing himself he was just being paranoid about a nightmare. But as he showered, dressed, and tried to sit down and study, he kept thinking about how tonight his parents might get another call and come up to his room with his mother in tears to give him the worst news he had ever heard.
Practically growling, Katsuki stood up and pulled on a jacket so he could leave the house. There was no way his nightmare would actually play out, but he needed to go to that bridge and check on things. He needed to make sure stupid Deku didn’t show up. And when it was 7:32pm, the time his parents had told him Izuku was dead, he would go home. Things would be safe then.
It was 2:57 on his clock and he figured that if Deku had time to jump, die, be found in the water, go to hospital and the Bakugou’s to be called then it probably happened sometime in the afternoon. Couldn’t hurt for Katsuki to go there. Just to be sure.
He left the house and walked towards the bridge where he knew it would have happened. He tried to walk at a normal pace, but there was a good chance he was hurrying there.
It was just a dream. Just a stupid fucking dream.
That’s what he told himself.
Until it wasn’t.
As he approached, he caught site of that unmistakeable green hair. Feet on the ground but looking down over the railing at the waist deep water below.
Katsuki ran, heart pounding so hard it was all he could feel it in his ears. Izuku caught wind of his arrival and looked up. Katsuki drew to a stop, maybe six feet from the love of his life.
Deku had tears running down his cheeks, body shuddering with silent sobs. He looked so surprised to see Katsuki that those green eyes were practically bulging out of his head.
“Kacchan,” his voice was weak and he practically choked on his own tears.
Katsuki’s heart clenched at the familiar name. “Don’t do what you’re thinking!” He practically shouted, clenching his fists. He took a step closer to Izuku but the boy drew back, putting up a hand.
“Stay away from me.”
“Deku. Deku, it’s okay. Please, I promise you don’t have to do this.” Katsuki had to hold himself back from crying along with him. How could this be happening? He had to stop Deku, no matter what.
“No! You’re wrong! I do. Just get back. Leave, you don’t need to see this.” Izuku turned and climbed on top of the railing.
Katsuki’s heart started beating impossibly faster. He wanted to race forward and grab him, pull him down. But he couldn’t. He was worried Deku would throw himself off if he tried to come towards him.
“No! Please get down, we can talk about this, okay? I’m here for you. I got you. I’ll do whatever I gotta to help. I’m so sorry. I’m so fuckin’ sorry I hurt you back then. I’ll do anything I can to make it up to you but you just gotta get down.” He was pleading, about to get on his knees and outright beg. Was this his fault? Coz he hurt Deku all that time ago and it just got too much?
Izuku sobbed, “Not your fault, Kacchan.” He paused, looking over his shoulder at Katsuki, those eyes shining. “My dad came back. He was so mad, Kacchan. He tore the house apart. He went into my room, he found my stuff…Kacchan…he…he found out about me. He hit me and I was going to fight him back. But my mum’s face, Kacchan. She didn’t know. She looked so sad. I can’t make her sad like that anymore. And I can’t change. So I have to go.”
Finishing his story, he looked away again and Katsuki was stuck looking at the back of his head. God, Katsuki was going to beat the shit out of Deku’s shitty dad the second he got the two of them away from here.
Katsuki shook his head, “You’re wrong, alright? Your mum loves you, she’ll come around. We will talk to her and explain and everything will be okay. And if it isn’t, you can come and live with me. Ma and Pa would love to have you there. They love you, ‘Zuku. I…I love you, Izuku. So you can’t go away. You gotta come down here and take responsibility for that. Please, Izuku, I love you.”
Izuku looked over his shoulder at Katsuki again, those eyes containing one million emotions. After a second, he smiled. “Kacchan, sugoi.”
And he stepped off the edge.
{}
Katsuki screamed himself awake, crying with a racing heart.
His rugby uniform was hanging over his chair. He had a message from Kirishima. It was Sunday.