Chapter Text
The longer you hide your feelings, the stronger the urge to out them.
The sentence seemed to taunt him. Every time Dave talked or even looked at one of his friends, it sprung back to his mind, screaming at him to just get it over with, to just tell someone about the depressing, conflicting thoughts swimming in his head. All he had to do was have a sincere talk with one of them, spill everything and get that weight of his shoulders. It was easy like that.
...Except it wasn't.
The moment he opened his mouth, the words got stuck in his throat and his eyes started to get wet (he had never been so thankful for those sunglasses). For someone who rambled a lot he sure had a hard time talking about his feelings. Part of him wondered if it was because he was afraid the others would see him in a different light. On the other hand, Dave wondered if he was afraid that confessing would make those memories undeniable.
Not that he didn't know they were real, he had countless scars to prove it, but it was horrifying remembering them and having to accept that his home life was just plain shitty.
...Yeah, he'd rather not remember those moments at all. He just wished that stupid sentence he had pulled out from some old advice forum wasn't stuck in his head to remind him of his countless issues. Even though it was right. Probably. Rose had said something familiar before and she was usually right, so it couldn't be completely false. Speaking of, the girl kept staring at him across the room, most likely wondering why he had been staring at a empty wall for the past eight minutes.
Dave waved at her. Confusion and worry crossed her face for a moment before she approached him slowly and sat next to him.
"Hey."
"Hey, yourself. Is everything alright Dave?"
"Wha- Yeah, course it is. Why wouldn't it be? Everything's going smoothly. We got these cool pajamas- this cape is the best thing ever by the way, it's so soft you can just lay in it and immediately take the best frigging nap you'll ever have in your life, like the BEST, and it's big enough to all of my body, so that's a plus. Pretty sure if Karkat wrapped himself in it we wouldn't be able to find him for days-"
"Dave."
"Can you imagine tho? Everyone worriedly looking for a missing Karkat and then suddenly there's shouting coming from my cape and we all do a double take-"
"Dave."
"Ok, now that I think about it, it'd just be weird since that would imply I didn't notice I was carrying an extra weight. Unless I wasn't wearing it. Yeah, that'd make more sense but-"
Rose's cold hand rested gently on his shoulder but it was enough to make Dave flinch away.
"Sorry," Rose retracted her hand quickly, "you were rambling quite a lot. Are you sure there is nothing you want to talk about?"
There was, but he wasn't sure he would be able to tell her. The sentence echoed inside his mind, no matter how hard Dave tried to push it back. Of course he wanted to tell Rose that yes, there was something wrong, but it was too sudden and he was in no way prepared to start spilling his feelings just like that.
"I... I'm not sure if I'm up for talking about this."
"That's understandable."
Dave looked up to see Rose smile at him.
"You don't have to tell me everything right away," she stood up and offered him a hand, "but know that if you ever need to talk I'm always available. Oh, and before I forget, Karkat was looking for you. You should probably go see what's going on."
Dave smiled back before taking her hand, "Yeah, I'll go do that."
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Dave had spent the last ten minutes searching for Karkat, only to find him carrying a gigantic pile of movies, books and what he assumed was Karkat's laptop.
Husktop , Dave reminded himself. He hadn't been too concerned with remembering troll terms at first, but there was something about Karkat's proud expression whenever he used them that made him feel warm and giddy on the inside. Not that he would ever admit to that, of course.
Unfortunately, the two of them were so caught up in their thoughts (Karkat mumbling something angrily), they inevitably crashed into each other, sending everything Karkat was holding to the floor (the husktop miraculously managed to stay on his hands, albeit dangling dangerously from them).
The two stared at each other awkwardly before Dave finally spoke up:
"Hey."
Karkat huffed, "Seriously Dave? Twenty minutes wasted looking for you, hoping for an enjoyable evening, only for you to send all of my plans flying to the floor, and all you have to say is hey?"
"In my defense, you looked pretty focused in whatever your plans were. Also, maybe try not to carry something twice your size next time? Hadn't it been for me, you would probably have crashed into something else anyway."
Karkat blushed in frustration. Dave's heart fluttered at the sight and he gushed at how he was the one to make the other flush, before immediately pushing those thoughts aside.
"Not all of us can be frigging walking poles, Strider. Now help me catch this before I decide to watch a movie with someone else."
"You wouldn't!"
"Watch me."
Dave scoffed in amusement and started to pick up the scattered books, missing Karkat's smile.
"What did you even want with me anyway? I know that I'm probably the best thing that's ever happened in your life, but I'm a very busy man, you know?"
"You seemed kinda interested in the movie from last night, so I figured we could watch some similar ones," Karkat said, grabbing the final book. "I also found the books they were based off, in case you wanted to have a more fulfilling understanding of it or something."
"Oh, uh, thanks, I guess."
Dave could feel his face burning and his heart somersaulting in his chest. Karkat was now staring expectantly at him and crap, how was he supposed to react when a cute guy noticed a small detail about him?
Woah, who said anything about cute? That's just Karkat, get a grip on yourself dude.
Yeah, it was just Karkat. Dave tried to ignore all of the other thoughts and sensations and pointed with his head towards the direction Karkat had been going earlier.
"So, let's go watch those?"
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“That’s it?”
“Yup.”
“They’re just gonna leave us hanging?”
“Yup.”
“What kind of conclusion was that anyway, with all of that “might have been a dream the whole time” bullshit? Are we supposed to accept that those two might have never met and had the most fulfilling, passionate and groundbreaking romance of all time? That all those troll’s lives remained unchanged and that they went on their lives without knowing what might have been, had the protagonists decided to challenge the quadrant system and write their own rules for their relationship?”
“I guess.”
Karkat raised his arms in exasperation before turning to Dave. “OK, we’re obviously not on the same page here. Do you have any idea of how controversial this would be in real life? I mean, this movie was used as an example of what you shouldn’t do in a healthy relationship. Not to speak of the drama there was with one of the characters not even wanting to be in one.”
“No, I get it,” Dave replied, “It’s hard to live in a society where if you don’t meet their standards and expectations, you’re immediately shunned. Especially if it’s because of something you can’t control.”
Dave sighed and sat up straight on the couch, facing Karkat, who was listening intently to his every word. “Sorry if it seems like I don’t care, it’s just that the movie basically showed a common, healthy human relationship, so it’s kinda hard for me to find it controversial?”
He shrugged before offering Karkat a shy smile.
“I know that it’s important to you, especially since the only time they’re showcasing something “out of the norm” and that others might relate to, is just to show why it should be considered wrong and that any one relating to it should feel ashamed. We also had similar situations back home.”
Karkat’s eyes widened. Whatever space was between the two was now almost non existent. Karkat was apparently unaware as he leaned closer to Dave, but the other had definitely noticed.
“Are you talking about that homosexuality thing you and John mentioned? And are human romances really like that? I mean, I know Rose and Kanaya don’t exactly conform to troll romance’s standards but I just figured they had found a compromise between the two and- Crap, I’m sorry!”
The troll immediately backed off once he noticed the proximity between the two of them. Both of their faces were flushing red and their discussion had been replaced by an awkward silence. Dave was pretty sure he could hear his heart racing.
“No, it’s okay. I mean you probably shouldn’t do that with others since they’re not me. Crap, I meant that they’re not as chill as me so they might not be as ok with it as me.”
Fuck, don’t say it like that! He’s gonna end up thinking you have a crush on him or something!
Dave could feel the last of his dignity disappearing. “Let’s just forget this ever happened. What were you saying?"
He could have sworn there was a hint of disappointment in Karkat’s eyes as he repeated his questions, but he was so curious about humans relationship’s dynamics it was easy to miss it. Dave wondered if maybe he too had been longing for a bit more of that closeness before quickly dismissing the thought and answering.
“That’s one of them but it also extends to other sexualities and gender identities. Like being attracted to not just one gender. There’s still a lot of stigma around it,” Dave chuckled dryly. “And it certainly doesn’t help when you’re trying to figure out some things and it makes you feel like a piece of shit for being what you’ve been taught is wrong, even though you didn’t have a choice in that matter.”
Dave’s head was spinning and torn between shutting up and salvaging his relationship with Karkat or just letting it all out and risking the other leaving him. That stupid advice was still echoing in the back of his mind and whatever was preventing him from spilling his emotional baggage was about to break. But still, letting anyone know was out of question. They didn’t need to know about the emotional and physical scars. They didn’t need to know about those nights spent crying, wondering if he what was wrong with him for wishing that his brother would disappear for a while. They definitely didn’t need to know he still had nightmares about being back home and that he wasn’t actually okay and that his mind seemed like an always raging battlefield, full of contradicting feelings and emotions, about his childhood, about the game, about Karkat…
Karkat didn’t need to know Dave had been talking about himself in his answer. No matter how much he wanted him to.
“Hey, are you alright?”
Dave was pulled back to Earth (or rather, the Meteor) by Karkat’s worried voice. The troll was staring at him concernedly, his hand hanging in mid air, almost like he wanted to reach out to Dave but couldn’t.
“Yeah. Sorry, I still haven’t answered your second question.”
“It’s fine, you don’t have to-”
“Nah, don’t worry. Okay, so, human relationships could be like that but that’s if you have a very healthy relationship. However, that depends on personalities too. A good relationship might not be the same for two different couples.”
“And you really don’t use quadrants?”
“No.”
There was a slight pause before Karkat looked up at Dave expectantly. “Do you… Do you think that someone like me could work for a relationship like that.”
“I don’t think I can answer that for you.”
“Oh.”
Dave could swear he heard his heart breaking from seeing Karkat’s crestfallen expression. Without thinking he settled his hands on both of his shoulders and reassured him that it depended on the person and that anyone would be lucky to be dating him, quadrant or not.
“Thanks,” Karkat replied, scratching the back of his neck, “I just don’t really want to get into this whole quadrant thing, but it’s kind of hard since it’s already so ingrained in my head, you know. Oh, and for all it’s worth, I also think anyone you date will be extremely lucky too.”
“I , uh, thanks. Also I’m glad you decided to share your feelings with me. I know it’s not easy doing that.”
“Yeah, sorry if I bothered you with my feelings or something. You didn’t ask for any of this…”
“No, it’s fine really.”
“If you say so. Just know that if ever feel the need to share something, I’ll always be here to listen.”
In that moment, Dave decided he couldn’t keep his emotions bottled up anymore.
“Actually, I need to tell you something…”
Karkat was staring expectantly at him. Dave could feel his nervousness growing under his gaze, so he turned his head from him before continuing.
"You may not have noticed but I haven't exactly been myself lately."
"Well, sightings of you rambling and making expontaneous incoherent raps in the middle of the hallway have decreased exponentially."
Dave punched him lightly in the shoulder before snorting. "Shut up, they're awesome and you know it."
Karkat scoffed, trying to hide his grin. "Of course, how could we ever live without Dave Strider waking us extra early by bursting into our rooms to perform his groundbreaking masterpiece."
"Despite your sarcasm, I know you crave my sweet beats more than your trashy novels' protagonists crave for a relationship, even though we all know it will inevitably turn toxic and a new love interest will show up to save them from their awful lives and pursue a perfectly healthy relationship with them."
"Ok, first of all, they are not *trashy*. They are intricately woven masterpieces that make you question the very foundations of society. And second, we're derailing from the original conversation," Karkat worriedly eyed Dave and placed an hesitant hand over his (both of their faces turned red but they pretended not to notice). "What's wrong?"
Dave sighed.
"I just… I've been realising some things, mostly about myself and my life before the game."
"Is this about what we were discussing before?"
Dave shrugged. His hand slipped slightly from Karkat's, the warmth coming from their contact leaving their untouched skin. He contemplated putting it back in place but Karkat beat him to it.
"Y-Yeah," he mentally cursed himself for stuttering, "Kinda. It's not the only thing. I don't want to bother you with my emotions or anything but I need to tell this to someone or I'll, I don't know, blow up from the pressure or something. But I don't want you to think of me differently thanks to this because I…"
Karkat gently squeezed his hand, urging him to go on.
"I don't want whatever we have to disappear. I don't want us to stop hanging around and do dumb things because you might think I'm awful for feeling like this. And I know you'll probably not even think that and it just makes me feel even worse for even imagining you'd ever do so. But I'm still afraid."
"I'm afraid we won't ever have our movies nights, even if at least one of us always falls asleep. I'm afraid of not getting to hear you commenting on your novels and movies anymore and watching you genuinely smile whenever you get excited about it. I don't want you to stop bantering with me every time I tease you about it because it gives me more time to talk and be with you. I don't want to lose any of this and most of all…"
Dave took in a deep breath before turning to Karkat, whose face was somehow even redder, his mouth hanging slightly open and his eyes widely staring at him. Suddenly, Karkat's hand seemed to be heavier on top of his own.
"I don't want to lose you. Because if it happens we won’t be together for so long, you will stop coming mainly to me for opinions and advice, and I’ll probably stop being able to make you smile and laugh so much. But I know that if I don't tell you this, I'm gonna regret it and have to bear with the knowledge that maybe, if I did tell you, I wouldn't have to keep gushing internally every time you do something adorable or keep wondering how it would feel to hold your hands in mine.”
There was an awkward silence as Dave stopped talking to mull over what to say next. However, that wasn’t necessary.
“You won’t lose me.”
Both of his hands were now being held by Karkat’s, who stared determinedly at him, even if signs from his earlier astonishment were still present on his face. Karkat squeezed them tightly before breathing deeply.
“I’m still not sure what it is you’re feeling that could make hate you, but I’m sure it has to be something incredibly awful for me to stop wanting to be with you, especially because sometimes I also fear those same things.”
“You do?”
“Yes, Dave, I do. Sometimes I get worried you’re gonna get tired of my shitty attitude and leave me, and then I won’t get to be the first person you come to to share your music or whatever’s making you happy. But you still haven’t and that gives some hope about our relationship.”
“I don’t think I’d ever leave you either,” Dave replied, “Even if some part of me is still trying to come to terms with the fact that I actually like guys too, I don’t think I’d ever think of shutting you from my life.”
Both of them smiled shyly and squeezed each others hands. Karkat leaned slightly towards Dave and asked, “Do you… Do you think it’d be alright if we gave us a chance? Romantically wise, I mean.”
“It’d be more than alright.”
Dave’s heart was somersaulting on his chest at that point and Karkat released a breath he hadn’t realised he had been holding in at Dave’s answer.
“Ok, so what now?”
“Heck if I know.”
“You don’t? But you have a gazillion books depicting romantic confessions.”
“Can’t you just appreciate the moment in silence Dave?”
“Pfft, you know you love me.”
“I- Shut up!”
“Make me.”
Dave’s grin was so wide it was slightly starting to hurt his face. However, no matter how much he tried, he couldn’t stop smiling (not that he cared about it anyway). Even Karkat’s fake annoyance had dissolved into a smile.
“I guess I should thank you,” Dave started.”Not for returning my feelings of course, that would be lame, but for taking the time to listen to me. I still haven’t gotten all of it out but I’m just glad to have taken this height of my shoulders. I think it still counts as some kind of progress.”
He squeezed Karkat’s hand once again (gosh, he couldn’t stop thinking about how it fit so nicely against his and how good it felt to be holding it).
“You’re welcome,” Karkat replied before squeezing Dave’s hand in return, “And feel free to share it whenever you’re ready, I guess. I know you mentioned something about your life before the mess this shit of a game has dragged us into.”
“Yeah. I’d rather not talk about that right now. There’s just a lot of conflict about what I used to think about my living conditions and what I’m thinking in the present. I’m still trying to wrap my head around it.”
“That’s fine. Just don’t let it get too much to you, I hate not seeing you being your usual self.”
“That’s adorable Karkat.”
“But knowing you, you also might just make a shitty rap about it and wake me up at an ungodly hour so I can hear it.”
“You know what? I might do just that. Then you can still pretend to be annoyed by my presence.”