Chapter Text
Lexa's pov
It's been two days since Clarke tried to kill me. I can't get that image out of my head. Did she become like that because of me? My betrayal at Mount Weather forced her to do things that marked her life. God knows how much it cost me to look into her eyes, those eyes, and having to leave her there alone. It was days that the commanders in my head tried to communicate with me and pushed me to break the alliance with the Skaikru, but until that moment I had managed to remain lucid and to respect my will. Then, having seen my people finally free from mountain torture, I had to choose. The pact was necessary for my people to remember that they will always be in the first place for me. But is it really so now? I can't keep my head clear, I keep seeing Clarke's eyes, the same ones who smiled when she looked at me and said "You already did it", now they are full of anger and disappointment. Even worse, when she put the knife to my throat, they were dull, dark, as if she felt nothing. Then, she broke out and tears came. Tears I caused. I told her she was free to go, but I didn't do it for her. Crossing his gaze and seeing hatred and disgust towards me is destroying me. I didn't want her to leave. And she didn't do it. She surprised me again, she accepted my proposal: now her people will join mine as the thirteenth clan. Although she continued to look at me with contempt as she said it, I managed to breathe easily for a few seconds, perhaps she understood that to maintain peace my authority is necessary. It's a start, now it's up to me not to disappoint her again.
When the sun is at its peak, Clarke will have to meet her mother to explain the conditions of the alliance. I hear a knock on the door. It is Titus who enters saying: "Commander, Wanheda has requested to see her".
I nod consenting to see her. Obviously. I only hope that she has not changed her mind, if she decides to return to Arkadia, I will have lost her forever. Clarke comes in and comes towards me. I notice that in her eyes a bit of that light comes back that reminds me of my mother's. I remember everything about her, probably without her I would never have passed my father's death and would have made his teachings vain. I was about to drop everything. But that light in her eyes as she spoke to me made me stay. In her eyes I saw emotions, courage and strength. The same traits that I see in those of Clarke. When I look at them sometimes I have to hide the chills that memories make me. "... it is likely that initially they are opposed to the coalition," Clarke is saying. I realize that I didn't hear the first part of the speech and probably she noticed it too, because she is staring at me quizzically. In my head there is a hurricane of memories and thoughts of the commanders that preceded me, but there is another. Agitation, feelings. Clarke says it's probably better to tackle that topic later, when I'm more lucid, and at that point I'm afraid he'll leave, but I'm surprised again by saying, "Commander, why all these candles? Is it a custom of the Trikru? " I feel drowned. How is it possible that this girl always manages to ask me questions that force me to talk to her about me and my past? However she is still looking me in the eyes, and I can see a spark of curiosity besides the light that characterizes them. Shit, I've never told anyone about it, but I can't disappoint those eyes, not again. I beckon her to sit on the bed and I do the same, being careful to stay distant so as to avoid contacts that could be unwelcome to her that still hates me deeply, or so it seems so far.
I begin to talk by staring alternately at the candle on the bed and Clarke's eyes. "When I was 12, my father did not return from an espionage mission to one of the nearby lands. My mother kept telling me that he would come back, but I had never been good at believing people and I remained in anguish for days, if not weeks, waiting for her return. One morning I woke up hearing a knock at the door, where my mother and Anya, who was then the commander, came in and explained to me that my father had been killed in a fight. In the evening the body would have been burned as was the custom with the dead. After those weeks of anguish, I thought I would have accepted the news better as I was prepared, but it wasn't. I didn't cry, I don't do that from birth, probably. I simply stood still and asked to be alone. I spent all day remembering it. To remember every word, every gesture, every teaching. Shortly before the fire ceremony, my mother entered the room. I had chosen to run away and be alone for a while, I couldn't stay there, everything reminded me of him. My mother had probably understood my intentions, because she knelt before me and stared into my eyes. She told me not to do it, that I would make all my father's teachings useless. She told me she needed me. The light in her eyes was replaced by tears. At that moment I decided to stay, since I was a child my parents prepared me to become commander, and now I had one more reason to do so. My father. We went to the ceremony and Anya called me next to her to set fire. 'You gouplei ste udon' were everyone's last words. Late in the evening, back in my room, I found my mother on the bed, with an unlit candle in her hand. I sat next to her. "
Taken from the memory I can't hide the shivers this time, and I notice that Clarke has noticed it. I raise my head and continue to talk, hoping to shift her attention. "She told me that there is a reason why when someone dies, we repeat the same sentence for everyone. 'Life is a struggle, Lexa, remember your father's words. When a person dies, his fight is said to be over, but I don't think this is his case. He now has to fight for you, to protect you, and remember that he will always be by your side'. She told me to light the candle with her and I did it. That candle was the symbol that my father kept fighting for me. So I continued to train and follow Titus' lessons, every evening I went back to checking if the candle was still lit. It always was. When Anya died, I killed the others Natblida and became the new commander. In the evening I found the candle extinguished. I thought that my father's struggle was over, and now it was up to me to continue mine. One of the first things I did was the tattoo behind my back. Then I imposed that for every grounder who died, a candle would be lit by his loved ones. This would have been placed in Polis, where it was more representative for the person for whom it was turned on. It's a way for losses to continue with us. "
Clarke is in front of me, and I notice that she tries to speak but stops. In her eyes now the light is more intense than ever. I would like to stay and stare at them for hours, but she interrupts the silence by saying: "I was right when I said that you made me change your mind about you grounders. It's a wonderful story, Lexa, and it's your story. I'm glad you talked to me about it."
Hearing me call Lexa again shakes me up, she didn't do it from before my betrayal. My heart is missing a beat and I realize that I'm still staring at her eyes, and I'm not even blinking. I immediately recover and look up, changing the subject. "Clarke, your mother will be here soon, you better go get ready." She gets out of bed and leaves, after saying: "See you later, Lex ... er ... commander". I can't hold back a smile, but she doesn't notice because she's already gone. She spoke my name again. I don't know how much what I just told her is worth to her, but for me it has enormous value. I had never told anyone, not even Costia, and I didn't think I'd ever do it. Perhaps in her eyes there is even more light than in my mother's.