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Snow has been falling from the night sky announcing the winter's presence around the town. Cold wind blowing making me shiver and brush the sleeves of my coat in an attempt of warming me up a bit from cool air. The train plataform was not as crowded as it usually is at night, just a few people here and there, probably waiting their train to go home from work. I understand the reason why people wouldn't want to go out of their houses, in such a cool weekend, who would want to be alone in the snow? The best option is to stay home and stay curled in blankets or just cuddle with your loved one for warmth.
My case was different.
Standing there, with a bag filled with clothes and some small glass aquariums, my plan for the weekend had been cut once I've heard the simple words coming out of his mouth:
"I'll go in this trip with Shy-san"
That hour I felt everything blurry, my eyes looking to the man behind him and not even being able to recognize any faces... Everything was just... Empty.
Me and R... We are twins. Since we were children, I've always had this feeling that my life was about protecting him. He was such a pure, innocent and naive person that once the outside world would try to hurt him, I would come into play and just protect him myself. It has been months, however, that I had been avoiding my own sibling by pure jealously. He brought a girlfriend, a girl who would always stick to him no matter what. I felt like he had grown up, that he didn't need me anymore, that now he didn't need me to protect him from this world, he had someone already.
But what about me?
"Sorry!" the soft voice came through my ears. "It took longer than I expected to get this." A girl with long brown hair stopped by my side, smiling sweetly at me "Here is yours!" She handed me one of the thermal cups she had and looked to the trails of the station. "Any train passed while I was out?"
"No! You got here in time!"
This weekend, I decided to run away too.
After hearing Shy was going to take R to a trip, my mind didn't want to leave me alone. Filled with thoughts about not being able to see R anymore, about R not wanting to see me anymore... About not being able to be part of his life anymore. I couldn't with it. I called a number I knew would take me to a safe place, it didn't take long for her to answer and pick me up.
Miyu was one of my best friends, she met me since I was in middle school. Since she was from the same school, Miyu used to spoil me during lunch breaks and I would usually annoy Atom by being sticky to her. However, Miyu was also one of the only, maybe the only, person who ever knew about one thing... My feelings towards R.
"Oh! Here comes one!" I took her free hand, waiting for the train to gradually stop in front of us and open the door.
We got inside, and as expected the train was quite empty. Looking over the sides, while searching for a place for both of us sit together, I felt like the world wanted to laugh out of my suffering, so many couples were on that car... Some cuddling, some holding hands. I tried to ignore, finding a place and pulling the brown haired girl with me to the seats sitting and waiting for her to sit by my side so I could place my head on her shoulder. Our hands still holding, our fingers still intertwined. It was a safe place... I was safe with her...
It didn't take as long to arrive at her apartment, small, comfortable... It was enough for her. As I walked in, I could see some papers spread all over the the table... Definitely a sign that Atom-kun had been around for some time here. I've been staring at the music sheets on the table for quite a minute, once I've heard the voice of Miyu calling me again to her room. No matter how much times I've came here, I never forgot to remark how cozy it was. She already had changed on her sleepwear by the time I was out, and now was sitting on the chair next to a desk where her laptop was found.
"Feel at home!" She said turning to the laptop and turning it on "You can change, I won't be looking... Tho, if you prefer you can change on the bathroom!"
With her words, I went to the bathroom and changed to my sleepwears as well. Once I was out, I threw myself on her bed and looked to her, that now had been writing on her laptop, and smiled as usual. I tried call her name, but she didn't seem to notice much and not paying attention made me sulk and look to the window next to her bed. I wanted to forget about everything on that night, I was in a safe place... I would have care here, I was loved here.
I'm not alone...
My hand tried to reach for the girl on my vision field, staring at the computer intensely. Her teal eyes turned to me and on her face a sad smile was seen... It was that notable how hurt I was feeling. My eyes tracked her hands closing the laptop and her body walk to the bed, laying next to me. Her delicate touch made me comfortable as I felt her hands wrapping around my body, making me curl next to her and let myself wrap her waist. It was a warm feeling to be under her care, no matter how much I looked i didn't feel like she had pity of me like others may had, she genuinely cared about how I felt and would stop everything and anything just to make me smile... That's why I felt so safe with Miyu... I felt safe to be myself. Be honest about who I'm, something I'm usually not...
I let myself get closer to the girl, squeezing her a bit and letting myself snuggle next to her chest. One of her hands moved to my hair, caressing it in such a sweet and delicate touch that my eyes started to get heavy. The flower scent coming from her clothes, the warm feeling of our embrace, everything... It was so comfortable, cozy... I didn't want to let it go... I didn't want to let her go....
"I'll be going in a trip with Shy-san!"
"Huh?" My vision had been blurry by the time I've heard him saying it. I tried to look the man behind him but I couldn't.... I couldn't recognize his face anymore. "During winter break?"
"N-No!" R's voice raised a bit, this wasn't normal for him... "He'll visit Kazue-san this weekend... And... And I want to see her so...."
"Ah!" I tried to smile, even if inside my mind I could feel was anger and jealously. Maybe, if I tried to play along, I could go as well. "It has been a long time since I don't see big sis Kazue~" I noticed their expressions change once I said it "So, am I—" but before I could insert myself in this trip, Shy cut me off
"I'm sorry, L." His deep voice now was colder than ever, it felt just like back in highschool when he used to fight with Kira. "R and I are going alone in this trip."
"Sorry, L..." Was everything I could hear.
I could see they smiling and talking, but their voices were muffled... What they were saying... What was this... Were they laughing of me? No, R wouldn't do such a thing... But R also wouldn't rely on anyone besides me... Right...
"R..." I tried to call his name, but it felt like he didn't hear me... "R!" Once again "R!!!"
"L!!" My eyes opened with Miyu calling my name. I was... Crying? "What happened? Did you had a nightmare?" Her hand quickly moved to my face, wiping my tears with her thumb
"..." I couldn't say much... I just squeezed her again. I let myself cry on her embrace, hiding my face on her chest as she desperately tried to calm me down by hugging and caressing me.
It took about five minutes until I finally calmed down. Everything I had been holding up for all this time had came out in tears and now I just laid down facing the roof of the room. With her by my side, still caressing my hair with one hand, while the other was on her cheek, supporting her elbow on the pillow.
"Are you feeling better now?" She asked me with her soft voice. I just nodded "You see, L... I understand you love your brother, but you need to understand that you can't be dependent on him forever." My head slowly tilted to the side, so I could look to her. "He has grown up indeed, and I know you are happy for it... But you also need to understand that with this he will need to do other things besides staying with you." I tried to open my mouth, but she continued talking "I know how you feel about him... But still... Isn't it better to see him happy like this? Letting he choose what to do?"
"... But... What about me?" I asked to her still processing her words in my head.
"You can do other things too. We are all here for you, L... Because we all do care about you..." She moved a bit closer.
She was right, I had a life waiting out there, and I should follow it. I still can love R, but it's because I love him that I'll let him free. I felt Miyu's soft lips pressed against mine, even if we usually did it as a joke before, right now it felt different.
"Thank you..." Was the last thing I would say before feeling my eyes close again.
I let myself relax. I still may need time to process everything, but my friends would be there and they would help me if I needed. I may not be good on being honest with my feelings, but I know they know me well enough to help me on this. And right now, all I really hoped is that R was happy... Maybe I still felt jealous by not being with him, but if that's what he wanted, I will definitely support him...