Chapter Text
John blew carefully into his mug, feeling the vapour coming off the liquid surface wavering around his face. Cradling the mug carefully in both hands he took a small sip and smiled. It was just like he remembered. It was an odd remedy for a sleepless night, but it was a Sheppard Family tradition. A cup of hot chocolate that was heavy on the chocolate taste, mixed with just the right amount of cool cream to make it thicker on the tongue, and topped with a handful of melting marshmallows. He hadn’t had a mug of this stuff in years.
“So, are you going to tell me what’s keeping you up?”
Opening his eyes, John considered what he could say. It wasn’t like he had an abundant number of people he could talk to on Atlantis. And the few people he could talk to he’d told the bare minimum to - because it wasn’t his story to tell. He didn’t really have the right to repeat it.
But here, here he could talk about what was really bothering him. There was no better person in either galaxy to talk to. At least she would understand the back story so he wouldn’t have to explain.
“He writes letters to her,” John said. “He’s been writing letters to her almost from the moment he knew his ex-wife was pregnant. He writes every week to her. I think he writes to her not just because he feels more connected to Emily that way, but because she’s the only person he can tell anything to.
“There is no pressure if he tells her. No worries about rejection or what she might think,” John added. “Those letters are sort of like his version of self-therapy I guess.” Frowning he stared into his mug of hot chocolate. “I just wish…”
The chair scrapped against the kitchen floor and John looked up, meeting a pair of familiar hazel eyes. “You just wish that he’d show the same trust to you, and confide in you instead.”
Said like that, John thought it was kind of selfish, but there it was. “Well, yeah.”
“Are you out of your mind, Rodney?” Elizabeth demanded. “This is Atlantis for god’s sake! This is no place to be raising a family. We’re in the middle of a war with the Wraith!”
Rodney just leaned back in the chair he was sitting in and considered Elizabeth. It was a circular argument and they had already covered this ground twice before. He was getting a little tired of the repetitiveness of it. “No?” he asked in mock wide-eyed wonderment. “Is this really the Atlantis?”
“Rodney,” Elizabeth warned. “You’re missing the point.”
“No,” Rodney stated evenly. “You’re missing the point, Elizabeth. Yes, we’re in the middle of a war. Hell we’re almost sitting at ground zero. But what makes you think that Earth is any safer? What makes Earth any better? At least here I know what kind of danger we’re in. I know what we’re facing because I’m not being kept in the dark about it.
“Besides, what do you think we’re all fighting for anyway?” Rodney asked, gesturing with his hands again. “We are not fighting for Earth. We stopped fighting for that planet almost a year ago. We’re fighting for our families, for our friends, and loved ones we left behind. Having the comfort of family here in Atlantis would not only help center the reasons we’re even doing this, but it’ll be a comfort to be able to see those people.”
Elizabeth shook her head, stubbornly sticking to her guns. And Rodney had to admire her a little for that, but at the moment she was wrong. “Pegasus is not a place for a family,” she told him.
“Tell that to the Athosians,” Rodney snapped.
“Excuse me?” Disbelief at Rodney’s tone won over the outrage.
“You said Pegasus is not a place for a family. Tell that to the Athosians. Tell them they should stop having children because it isn’t safe for them. Tell them they should stop having families because they are going to die anyways - probably in some horrible fashion. Go tell every damn world we gate to that they should say ‘fuck it’ and give in.”
“Now that was completely uncalled for,” Elizabeth hissed through her teeth. “You know exactly what I meant by my comment.”
“Yes, I do,” Rodney responded. “It’s alright for the people here in Pegasus to have families. For them to have children and to keep building themselves a home. It’s alright for them to keep living even though the Wraith are a constant threat to them. But it’s not alright for us.”
Standing up, Rodney began to pace. “It’s not alright for us to start having families here in Atlantis because it isn’t safe. Never mind the fact that Atlantis is our home. Those of us who chose to stay when we had the choice to leave, we can’t continue to build our lives because we’re at war, and having children and families around might skew our judgment about what’s right and what’s wrong.”
“You’re the only one wanting to start a family here in Atlantis, Rodney,” Elizabeth pointed out.
Rodney shook his head at that. “That’s where you‘re wrong Elizabeth.” When she just raised an eyebrow at that, Rodney went on. “What if I told you that Carson has had to perform five abortions thus far? You wouldn’t believe me, would you?”
He didn’t seem to need her answer. “Three of my staff and two of his Marines,” he added, jerking his thumb in John’s direction. “They had abortions because they were afraid that if you found out about the pregnancies you’d send them back to Earth to have the baby. Afraid you wouldn’t let them stay. I’d told them they were wrong. That you would understand the need to start a life for ourselves here.”
Rodney just looked at her for a moment. “I’m sad to say they were right. You would have sent them back because you don’t understand.”
With that Rodney turned about on his heel and left the room, the glass door swishing shut behind him. Silence filled her office for a moment while she just stared at Rodney’s retreating back before she turned her attention to John.
“I can’t believe that,” Elizabeth said softly, walking around her desk to lean against its front. She looked over to her military commander and asked, “Please tell me you have a way to talk him out of this foolishness?”
John blinked slowly at her, his face an unreadable mask. He stared at her for a moment, expression giving nothing away. Elizabeth was forced to wonder if she might have made an error in judgment, but she pushed the doubt aside. John hadn’t always been on her side when it came to the state of Atlantis. And Atlantis was not a place to be raising a family.
“I’ve gotta ask,” John said, arms crossing over his chest as he leaned a little further against the wall. “What do you see when you look at us?”
Elizabeth blinked. “When I look at whom?”
“Me and Rodney, the two of us. What do you see when you look at us? What thought runs through your head when you see us sitting together in the mess? Or walking down a hall way? Or sprawled out in your office? What is it you see?”
She was tempted to say ‘two over grown children’, and laugh off some of the tension filling the room now. But John’s expression demanded a serious answer from her. And she could give nothing less. Considering, she thought about it. Thought about all the times she saw the two of them together and what she thought when she did see them. Over grown children was the first thought that usually filtered through her mind when she saw them.
But in a close second came beautiful. She didn’t think that was the answer John was looking for however. “Friendship,” she finally answered. “Close friendship.”
John considered her for a moment before he nodded to himself. “Rodney‘s right you know,” he responded. “Atlantis is home now. And don’t you tell me that you don’t think the same thing, Elizabeth. Atlantis is home for you just as much as it is for me and Rodney and everyone else who was here that first year and stayed. We deserve a chance to make a life for ourselves here because we aren’t going back.”
Pushing off the wall, he added, “You’re going to lose him and a lot of other people if you won’t let us build a life, Elizabeth. Rodney will leave Atlantis for his daughter. As soon as Rodney decides when he’s leaving for Earth I’m going with him. And if you can’t be the friend he needs you to be, Elizabeth, I don’t think either of us will be coming back.”
And then John had left as well.
Elizabeth was left to wonder what she had missed. Because she had missed something along the way, something important. Moving back behind her desk, she stared blankly at her computer screen while she worked it out. She understood the feeling of home that had become associated with Atlantis. It was one of the reasons she’d fought so hard to keep John here in Atlantis when they had finally made contact with Earth again.
It hadn’t been just because without him they would all be dead. Because John had sacrificed small pieces of himself to keep them safe. He’d given up pieces of his soul so she would didn’t have to wear and carry a gun. He’d given up more pieces to keep Rodney from knowing what it meant to kill. He hadn’t been so successful there, but he had tried. He’d begun cutting out parts of himself long before she had met him. But he’d left the most pieces scattered about Atlantis just so they wouldn’t have to do the things he did.
Helping him keep a place he called home had seemed like such a small thing to give in response to that kind of sacrifice. When they had come back, John had vowed that he was never going back to Earth. He’d use his leave here in Pegasus and take vacation over on the mainland. But there he had stood and told her that he was going to head back to Earth with Rodney whenever he was ready to leave and that they might not come back. John wouldn’t go back to Earth for any reason, unless…
She closed her eyes and wondered why she hadn’t seen it before.
God, it had been right there for her to see the entire time but she’d just overlooked every hint and clue the two of them had tossed her way. And now she was left floundering, trying to find something solid to grasp on to.
Turning back to her computer, she began to pull up the files she had on the members of IOA and the top brass of the military members involved with the SGC and Atlantis by extension. She might have been blind to the obvious facts in front of her, but she could make it up to them. After all diplomatic relations were one part skill, one part intellect, and three parts blackmail.