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Caitlin sat alone in her apartment on Valentine’s Day, idly flipping through channels for something to watch but all she could find on were romantic specials and movies. It wasn’t as if she didn’t enjoy those things necessarily but they made her heart hurt thinking of her lightning fast friend, especially when she landed on Singin’ In The Rain . And for the millionth time that night she felt the urge to text him, or even call, but always decided against it.
He was managing small crimes with Cisco tonight anyways. Their resident engineer offering to do so to help keep his mind off things. Though that gave her an idea as she whipped out her phone to text him instead.
‘Hey, Cisco. How’s it going?’
She fiddled with the device in her hands, anticipating the answer. It wasn’t long until Cisco’s message dinged onto her screen.
‘It’s not. He bailed.’
Caitlin sighed, she could tell even through a text Cisco was disappointed. Mostly via the lack of emojis and presence of proper punctuation. He had thought he found a real way to help their speedster friend and had been so excited.
‘Cisco, you have to understand. It’s his first Valentine’s Day without Iris...’
The response came quick,
‘I know, but he never told me he wasn’t coming. I sent him the details of a house fire and he never showed up. Thankfully everyone was okay but the Flash has gone AWOL, not just Barry.’
That made her brows furrow as she started to bite at her lower lip. Now that was very out of character. No matter what he always saved people, it got him through the dark times, it’s who he was but if he stopped doing that? Well it couldn't be good. The very idea caused a whine of panic to rise in the back of Caitlin’s mind as worried thoughts began to take over. What if he couldn’t come? What if he was injured? He could be rash at the best of times but especially so when his heart was hurting. What if he tried something on his own and gotten captured or worse?
Without another thought she speed dialed Barry’s number but when it went straight to voicemail her worry only grew. She tried a few more times but after getting the same results she hurriedly called Cisco.
“Cisco, are you still at the lab?” She shot out before he even had the chance to say hello.
“Yeah, why do you--?”
“Can track his phone?”
“Barry’s? I already tried calling. He shut it off. Called Joe, Ralph, and Cecile too, no one’s heard from him since this morning. He just doesn’t want to be found I guess,” Cisco answered dejectedly. Caitlin sucked in a deep breath that she couldn’t let go as she pinched the bridge of her nose. Shutting her eyes tight while feeling the cold start to gather around the edges of her anxious mind, willing it and Frost to go away. Now was not the time.
“Well... c-can't you turn it on remotely or something?” She winced as her voice came out an octave or two higher than she intended. There was a pause on the other side of the line before Cisco seemed to understand.
“Oh he could be in trouble! If it's destroyed or the battery was taken out no, I can't. But if it's just off I should be able to activate it through the company servers,” Cisco began as she could hear the clicking of a keyboard over the line, “Do you remember what service he’s with?” She opened her mouth to answer but was cut off, “Nevermind I got it. And with a little Felicity style magic... Boom! Gotcha, Flash! ...Well he’s not kidnapped. Apparently he’s at some dive bar on the south side called... The Press Box? Weird choice but okay. Want me to breach us there?”
The name of the bar rang a little bell in Caitlin’s mind but she couldn’t figure out why, or what exactly was telling her she should go alone.
“Um... no, just breach me. We don't know what sort of state he’s in and if he runs off I can’t track him.”
“Good point! Alright, hope you’re ready.”
A breach formed in her living room and with a quick fix of her hair after throwing on a nicer jacket over her relaxed attire she jumped through the portal landing in the alley beside the bar. She told Cisco thank you and hung up the phone before going around to the front of the building that she instantly recognized. Hazy memories from that night coming back to her. This was where her and Barry went and sang karaoke together all those years ago... but why would he be here?
Slowly she made her way inside. The lights dim with reds and pinks for Valentine’s day, couples were at almost all the tables and currently the stage held a band playing love ballads rather than the two karaoke mics she remembered. Shifting awkwardly her eyes searched for her friend before finally finding him at a table alone in the back corner by the bathrooms. Her fingers interlocking as she wrung her hands together. Then taking in a deep breath to calm herself she started towards him.
As she got closer it became clear to her he hadn't slept, or shaved, or combed his hair. His eyes were irritated and puffy looking as they cast downwards towards the table where a drink and a yellow case folder lay. His tall frame practically folding in on itself in his chair. He was even in the same clothes she had seen him in yesterday.
“Barry?” She called softly when she reached him. There was a beat as if he was on a lag before he stirred at the sound of his name. His eyes slowly finding their way up to her’s but not quite making contact.
“Hey,” He said a little unsurely, his gaze seeming to look somewhere far beyond her.
“Hi. Can I join you?”
He nodded as he looked away from her, turning back to his drink she knew wasn’t affecting him in the slightest other than sending an alcoholic burn down his throat. He took a long swig and grimaced as she settled herself in the chair beside him.
“When Cisco said you didn't go to the house fire I--” She started to answer his unasked question before he cut her off gruffly.
“What do you want, Caitlin?”
He was hurting, she knew this, but it still stung. Yet she wasn’t about to let herself be pushed away so easily.
“I’m your friend and I’m worried about you. We all are. Especially when you disappear and won't answer our calls and end up at a place like this.” She couldn’t help how a little bit of the hurt that she was feeling slip into her firm tone as she gestured to the bar absently before turning back to him, “Why are you here anyways?”
Barry shrugged slightly having shrunk a little further in his seat after her retort, a flash of guilt passing over his face, “I couldn't go back to the loft, or Joe’s, or anywhere...”
“What about at the lab with us?” She asked her voice softening again as he just shook his head.
“No... she’s, she’s everywhere. I can't go anywhere without seeing her. I can't go home or talk to Joe or...” He trailed off but she got the picture. His whole life revolved around the Wests, it was bound to be hard to find somewhere they hadn’t been together, “This was the only place I could go where I was... nevermind.”
Caitlin bit at her lip trying to think of what best to say next before offering, “Do you want to talk about it?”
Barry’s jaw tightened as he shook his head, “No. Nora’s... gone and Iris? Well she certainly knows how to say happy Valentine’s Day.”
He dropped the folder that she had assumed was a case file in front of her. Her eyes widening in shock when she opened it and saw the divorce papers with both Barry and Iris’ signatures at the bottom instead.
“Barry... I’m so sorry.”
He quickly waved off her sympathy, “It’s fine. It’s not like she did it on purpose. They were coming any time now, it just happened to arrive today. Straight from Opal City....”
But as she looked at him she knew it wasn’t fine. This placed forced images to play in her mind of what felt like a lifetime ago. Her up on that stage with Barry in his bright blue sweater. The reds, blues, and purples of the lights catching in his hair as the spotlight made him glow even more than usual. His smile and laugh brightening up the room as he sang his heart out with her. He was so alive then... but now it felt like a completely different world, and a completely different Barry.
This Barry was tucked into dimly lit corner by the bathrooms instead of singing joyfully with her on the stage. The dull buzzing fluorescent light from the hall casting the dark circles under his eyes longer than they already were, the shadows making his face seem so dark and sullen rather the colors that had illuminated his features that night. The blub’s stark white hue draining the color from his hair and face painting him as so much older than he actually was. It contrasted so sharply with the beaming young man in her mind.
And in that moment she realized she hadn’t see that smile for awhile now, she couldn’t even remember the last time she had. The thought darkened the bar around them, and her world, this ‘new’ world she had mentally placed them on. One devoid of any of the colors she’d seen here so long ago and setting their little corner of the bar in nothing but a lifeless grey.
Barry suddenly took back the folder snapping her from her gloomy thoughts as he shoved it into the bag at his feet. Doing everything he could to avoid her eyes as he sat up and grabbed his glass again, taking another drink before staring down into the liquid.
It fell silent between them again. Neither knowing what to say as the air thickened. Her eyes searching his face trying to find a hint to what he was thinking before she quietly asked the question that had started her worry in the first place. But she wasn't sure if she really wanted to know the answer, “Barry... why didn't you go to the fire?”
There was another long pause until he sighed heavily, running a hand down his face, “Because I don't think I can do it anymore...”
Her heart dropped through her stomach at the sound of those words.
“...Do what?”
“Be the Flash...”
She blinked, “What?”
He shrugged halfheartedly, “Everything I did was for Iris. We were a team, we were the Flash. Without her, I don’t know what I am.”
She couldn't help but stare at him, completely bewildered, “You can’t honestly believe that.”
When she didn’t get a response as he stared down at his lap she set her jaw and put her hand on his arm, leaning in close to whisper.
“Look I know how important Iris is to you. And I would give anything for you not to be hurting like this and to be happy but if you're going to get through this you have to understand that you're the Flash, Barry, no one else. When we started this you told me you wanted to help people. Help stop your mother's killer and free your father. Not just as the Flash but as Barry Allen too. Because no matter what you’re always going to be the guy who helps people. It's just who you are. With or without her.”
His shadowed eyes were staring at her now, darting all around her face, “You really believe that?”
She gave him a small smile and his arm a gentle squeeze, “Of course I do. You asked me once if I thought you were chosen by that lightning bolt for a reason and I said yes. I still believe that... I always have.”
An expression she didn’t recognize flitted across his face before he averted his eyes again, fingers playing with the rim of his glass as she slowly pulled her hand away.
“These are the times I really wish I could get drunk...” He muttered with a hollow huff of a laugh that made Caitlin bite down on her lower lip in thought.
All she ever wanted to do was help him but realized just her words weren’t going to be enough right now. Maybe tonight he really did just need to forget. In a safe and controlled environment, of course. Preferably under her supervision. She needed to know he was safe.
“Why... why don’t we go back to the lab? I can whip something up. It may not be as potent as Cisco’s but I can try,” She offered, her tone light and jokingly pointing out her well known disapproval for Cisco’s version of her concoction.
But he just made a noncommittal sound with a shrug that had her small smile fading quickly. She had hoped that would’ve at least brought a small reaction out of him. Disheartened and suddenly feeling increasingly anxious she quickly continued on,
“I mean I’m pretty sure Ralph has some whiskey hidden in his desk we could mix it with. I could have a drink too, so you’re not drinking alone, obviously not your drink because that would probably kill me. Well maybe not with my regenerative abilities but I’m not particularly willing to test it. I could just... have a separate drink...” She trailed off knowing she was rambling now. But she couldn’t help it. A lightless Barry was unnerving and unraveling everything she knew at the seams. But he was staring at her now, a little quirk of one brow broke his otherwise blank expression, and that gave her just enough courage to meekly add, “You have to promise not to laugh at me though. I haven’t bartended in awhile.”
Finally his lips lifted up ever so slightly and she smiled back even if his was just brief. It was something.
“I promise,” He said unable to hide the small hint of humor in his voice.
“Good,” She said relieved with a nod before she stood up, “Let’s go then. I can call Cisco to breach us there.”
He nodded and rose up to follow her out of the bar. Walking together into the alley as Caitlin fished her phone out from her jacket pocket but hesitated before sending her message. Chewing on her lip a moment more then looking up and meeting Barry’s eyes. His brows pinched briefly at her in confusion.
“I need you to promise me something else before we go.”
“What’s that?” He asked.
She took a deep breath then met his gaze again, reaching out her hand to grab his arm. She needed him to look at her, to hear her, “Promise me that you won’t bury this, that you won’t hide yourself from us. I know how it feels to lose people, I’ve been there, multiple times. And it would’ve destroyed me if it wasn’t for you. I saw what it did to me and I don’t--” She paused closing her eyes momentarily to take a deep breath and collect herself before meeting his again, “--I can’t bare to see what closing yourself off would do to you... So let us be for you what you are to me. I understand if you’re not ready to talk about it but promise me you won't try to push us away. Please.”
For the first time that night his eyes fully honed in on her as he stared at her so long she lost track of the beats. His eyes searching her's, ticking down briefly before returning, seemingly taking her in and everything she was saying until finally he nodded.
“Okay... I promise.”
“Thank you,” She breathed out as she slowly let her hand fall away from his arm. Feeling like a crack of light returned to this colorless world she found herself in. She knew he had a long road ahead of him, but at least he'd let them be there for him and that was a start. He even gave her a small smile before together they jumped through the breach.
--
The next year Caitlin was surprised to find herself back at the very same bar but this time under vastly different circumstances. It was short notice for her, Barry, and Cisco as Cisco’s plans changed when Gypsy was suddenly put on assignment and couldn’t make it. He had called and with neither her or Barry having plans the speedster suggested the bar where he heard they were hosting another karaoke night much to Cisco’s excitement and her dismay. As the night wore on and red and pink lights danced around the room Barry kept making teasing references back to the night they were here years ago that made her flush and went right over Cisco’s head. They laughed and talked and had drinks together like old times and honestly Caitlin couldn’t think of a better way to spend Valentine’s Day. Well except maybe... no, she wouldn’t let her mind go there.
So she laughed along with Cisco’s joke at their table pretending she had never thought anything at all.
“Yo, I’m going to get another drink. You two want anything?”
“No thanks,” Her and Barry said simultaneously catching each other’s gaze with a grin and a laugh. Cisco rolled his eyes shaking his head at them amused as he left. But as their friend walked away Barry’s smile faded. The color that had been bouncing off of him draining once he thought no one was looking. She knew he hadn’t healed completely yet, but her heart ached all the same at the far too common occurrence.
“You okay?” She asked softly getting his attention. His eyes rose to her’s as he crossed his arms atop the table to lean on, dawning a smile again but this time it was tinged with melancholy. Over the last year he had kept his promise to her, he hadn’t pushed them away and for that she was incredibly thankful.
“Yeah. Just thinking, you know?” He shrugged as he answered her. Meeting her eyes that she tried to keep open and warm, to let him know it was safe to open up. His lips turned upwards briefly, “I’ll always care about her. I mean we grew up together and she was my only constant for a long time. She was the only thing a scared eleven year old boy had to hang on to. But if I’m being honest... I don't think I was ever really in love with her.”
Though the admission surprised Caitlin she quickly schooled the surprised expression that came to her face and didn’t speak as she let him continue, listening intently to everything he had to say.
“I guess I just never saw Iris as a real person. Only this perfect fantasy girl I created in my head. I never loved her for her, and that wasn’t fair. And I don’t think she ever was really in love with me either.... We saw each other as people we weren’t and just leaned on that until we broke.”
“Barry...” She started sympathetically but he shook his head his smile returning.
“It’s fine, really. I know that now and I think I’m finally ready to move on.”
She nodded slowly then grinned shyly as she raised her glass, “Here’s to moving on then?”
He chuckled clicking his glass against her’s, “To moving on.”
As they took their drink she could feel Barry watching her over his glass. Clearing his throat before saying,
“So what about you?”
“Hm?”
“Well uh--” He laughed a little awkwardly as she tilted her head curiously at him, “I mean why haven’t you, you know, um, gotten back out there?”
“What?” She asked surprised feeling a blush form on her cheeks as her eyes went wide.
“I mean it’s not like you’re an old spinster, Cait--” Her eyebrows shot up at his words and his blew wide as he realized what he had said, “No wait, that’s not how I meant that to come out. I just mean you... haven’t dated for awhile... and I was kind of wondering why...”
He trailed off as she raised a brow staring him down while he gave her a sheepish grin that couldn’t help but pull at the corners of her lips. She flushed and looked away, feeling a familiar warmth spread through her body, the warmth that was exactly why she hadn’t been dating. Her and Barry had grown incredibly close over the last year and in these last few months old feelings had begun to stir from deep inside her. Feelings she thought she had gotten rid of ages ago but much to her dismay they had seemed to have just fallen dormant. Barry couldn’t know she was feeling like this, especially not when he was still recovering. He would distance them or worse, ask her on a date out of pity or guilt or a sense of friendly obligation and those were the last things she wanted.
“Relax Barry, I guess it just isn’t for me,” She brushed off smiling kindly at him before ducking her head to joke feebly, “Something awful usually happens when I try anyways. It’s better to just save everyone the trouble.”
“Cait...” He called quietly. She met his large green eyes looking sad now as they bored into her. She dreaded the idea she had put that feeling there. But why would he be so upset over that? His hand suddenly reached out and covered her own that had been resting on the table as he tilted his head forward to stare straight into her eyes, “You have too much love to give for you not to have someone to give it too. You of all people deserve that happiness.”
She blinked, the conviction in his voice going straight to her heart before she smiled softly and shifted her hand to hold his. Staring back into his gaze as she said with just as much truth as his own words had, “So do you.”
His lips parted in surprise as he stared at her stunned for a moment, then morphed into a gentle grin in return. His eyes searching her’s, regarded her as her heart sped up. Hoping whatever he was looking for wouldn’t give her away.
He shifted in his seat to look at her more directly without taking away his hand. A small twinkle she hadn’t seen in so long appear in his eyes as he seemed to lean in closer, looking like he was about to say something before--
“I would like to dedicate this song to my two besties right there, come on guys wave!”
Both their heads snapped towards the stage in surprise as a tipsy Cisco’s voice boomed out of the speakers. Both chuckling at their friend's sudden desire to sing, only to laugh a little more as they wave awkwardly at the crowd and Cisco began to sing a song she didn't recognize but seemed to be about friendship as her and Barry flushed.
“That's it when he gets back I'm cutting him off,” Barry said through his laughter.
“Oh I’ll help,” Caitlin agreed adamantly sending them into another fit of giggles.
Their laughter faded as they watched their friend, enjoying his performance before Barry spoke again.
“Do you know why I came here last year?”
She looked over at him and found his gaze still focused on the stage, a small smile on his face. He glanced at her briefly for her response as she shook her head before returning his gaze to Cisco.
“Because that night we were here was one of the happiest moments I could think of. I hadn't felt like that in such a long time...” He shrugged taking in a deep breath, “So I came back here hoping to find it I guess.”
“It's one of my happiest memories too,” She admitted softly, smiling shyly when he grinned at her.
“Then I'm glad we can still be happy here.”
She was about to answer when she felt him squeeze her hand, blushing furiously at the sudden realization they had been holding hands this whole time. She had just gotten so lost in his eyes and the look on his face and-- his bashful grin halted her thoughts once more as his ears tinged pink and he pulled his hand away. Apologizing quietly as he did so.
“It's okay,” She muttered clearing her throat, her eyes darting away. But when she glanced back Barry was back to normal, happily watching as Cisco took his bow on stage and she couldn't help but wonder if that had actually just happened or if it was all in her head.
--
Another year went by, but she never quite found her answer. Rather more instances similar to it appeared, touches and looks that were gone in a blink of an eye, unexplained blushes, fleeting moments far too intimate for just friends. The slow and steady change in Barry’s behavior had her mind reeling right up until the next Valentine’s Day.
This year their time out ended early with Cisco leaving to be with Gypsy after her mission wrapped up sooner than planned while her and Barry left the karaoke bar shortly after, too tired from their earlier meta to stay out. But instead of dropping her at her doorstep like normal Barry unexpectedly came to a stop a block away from her apartment. Setting her down gently on the sidewalk.
“Everything okay?” Caitlin asked curiously.
“Uh, yeah, yeah. I was just thinking we could walk, is that alright?” He explained, awkwardly fidgeting on his feet.
“Of course,” She said nodding walking beside him. Watching him out of the corner of her eye. She could tell something was on his mind, especially with the way he was tapping his knuckles against his palm before he spoke again. Would she finally get answer for his strange behavior?
“I... um, I’ve been meaning to thank you. For being there and everything these last few years, well every year I've known you really. It-- it means a lot to me. I'm actually happy now, happier than I think I've been in a long time. And that's all thanks to you.”
“I was only doing what you would do for any of us. Cisco, Joe, and Ralph are the ones that went the extra mile with all those guy's night outs,” She brushed off with a chuckle, but her nonchalance didn't stop a light pink from flushing over her cheeks at his words.
“Well yeah, I know, and they’re great but you-- you played a big part in it,” Barry insisted chuckling awkwardly, doing a wide gesture with his hands, “Like huge.”
She looked at him strangely giving a small laugh, “I think you need to recheck your data.”
Suddenly Barry was in front of her halting her steps abruptly with his smile and his hands on her upper arms. He shook his head amused, “And I think you never give yourself enough credit."
She scoffed, heatlessly rolling her eyes as she tried to cover her blush, “Don't be ridiculous. I'm a genius scientist and a powerful ice meta, I'm not discrediting anything. Just stating facts.”
He took a step forward, her breath hitched slightly as his hands ran down her arms before coming to a stop around her elbows. His thumbs rubbing in circles and even through her thick coat it felt like she was on fire.
“And yet you refuse to accept the fact you're an incredible person,” He said softly, shyly looking at her. Was he blushing too or was it the cold? Caitlin suddenly found herself back on the edge of that line they’d been dancing, questioning if every touch or look or phrase meant something more, “The best person I know actually...”
“Stop...” She plead bashfully, her cheeks getting hotter by the second.
“Not until you know how amazing you are. You're so good and kind and selfless. You make me a better hero, inspire me to be a better person. You--”
“Thank you, but really this is unnecessary,” She cut him off, her face burning now as she started to pull out of his grip. What Cisco always said was true, she didn't handle compliments well especially such sweet ones coming from Barry. It was making her insides twist uncomfortably as her heart pounded.
“No, wait hang on. Cait, just what I'm trying to say is--”
“Really, I appreciate it but there's no need to say anymore.”
“Cait--”
“Barry, honestly it's okay I--”
“Caitlin!” His hands tightened around her arms forcing her to look up at him but he didn't look upset, in fact he still looked amused as he smiled with a twinkle in his eyes, “You really can't take a compliment can you?”
She ducked her head shyly fighting a grin, “No, not really.”
He chuckled and tipped her chin up gently with his finger making her eyes meet his as they widened, “Well deal with it because Caitlin Snow you are the most incredible person I've ever met. You have always been there for me, inspiring me, and have more heart and compassion than I ever thought possible for one person to have. You know you just--” He let out a short breath of a laugh, shaking his head before quietly letting out, “--you make it impossible not to fall in love with you.”
She gasped at his confession as he started to pull away.
“I-I'm sorry if that ruins everything but... I really needed you to know,” He apologized, his voice almost a whisper. Removing his hands from her arms to shove them in his pockets and leaving her cold despite being so bundled up.
She took a shaky breath and stepped forward, hesitantly searching his face for any sign of his words being untrue. She would never think he’d actually lie about something like this but could he really...? She had to make sure.
“Do.... do you really mean that?”
His eyes slowly rose to meet her's, darting around her face before he gulped and said, “Every word.”
“Oh,” She let out as she tripped a step backwards in surprise. The look in his eyes was so genuine it was unquestionable. Barry was in love with her. He was in love with her and she was in love with him... the sudden opening of possibilities made her heart skip beats.
Barry's brows pinched in worry as he watched her before his eyes grew mournful, taking her reaction all wrong, “Caitlin, I'm sorry I didn't mean to--”
“No, wait Barry,” She quickly reclaimed her step putting her hands on his shoulders, knowing where his mind was about to race off to in his nervous haste, “I didn't mean it like that.”
“What did you mean then?” He asked lowly where it hung in the inches between them.
She took a deep breath to try and calm her racing heart as her hand slid from his shoulder to play with the teeth of the zipper on his jacket for something to do as she mustered any courage she may have had, unable to meet his eyes.
“That I was surprised and I... I love you too and I have for longer than I care to admit,” She confessed so quietly she wasn't sure if he'd be able to hear her, “But after all these years and everything that's happened I never thought you would--”
The rest of her sentence was cut off by his hands reaching up and taking her head into them as he gently pulled her closer and collided his lips with her's. But just as she was beginning to get over her shock and respond to his kiss he pulled away.
“But I do,” He told her softly, his thumb brushing over her ear as he cradled her head, “And I think I have... for a lot longer than I care to admit.”
She chuckled and shyly looked down. A deep blush forming as he uttered her words back to her. When she finally glanced back up at him and the view left her breathless.
The warm light from the shops poured out of the display in windows into the street and casting over them in a soft glow. Barry was grinning with his green eyes twinkling at her, so close she could see every shade of green and even the little flecks of blue and gold that set them apart from any color she had ever seen. The warm light bringing out the rich browns of his hair, his face blushing from nerves and the cold February air. February...
“You realize how corny this is right? Admitting your feelings on Valentine's Day?” She joked lightly to break the remaining tension after his words hung between them a beat too long.
“Well I hope you like corniness then, because I am very corny,” He teased tipping his head a little closer to look in her eyes.
“You know... I think I love it,” She grinned back.
He laughed heartily beaming as his eyes returned to her's, reminding her so much of that night years ago. The softness in his features taking her back to when he stayed, perched on the edge of her bed. Hand on her thigh until she fell asleep. A moment she was so glad she remembered and one that contrasted so sharply with the man he had been those two years ago. She smiled and somehow his grin got bigger, brighter. Lighting up the world like she’d never seen it before, so full of life and blinding all her thoughts and actions except for one. So she tightened her grip on his coat and pulled him in, kissing him again and this time neither of them let go.