Chapter Text
“I’m not him.” Bucky stated quietly, and Steve wasn’t sure he would have heard without the serum. He looked at the dark haired man that was curled in on himself, both hands, one flesh and one metal, clutching a mug of coffee as if it were a lifeline.
It had been a week since Bucky had unexpectedly showed up at Steve’s door, dirty and shivering. His bright eyes had met Steve’s and he had asked brokenly, “Why am I remembering you?” Steve had been stunned and wanting to reach out, but unsure if that would make Bucky shatter like a dream. Then Bucky had added, “I don’t even remember who I am, but I remember you.” Steve had reached out then, but stopped when he saw Bucky start to shy away from him, and he let his arm drop.
“Let me help, you can stay here until you figure that out.” He had held the door open, leaving enough room that Bucky could enter without touching. It had been a tense week, Bucky not saying much, except to cry out when he slept. Steve tried to be there but also give him his space. He kept light a chatter going when Bucky looked tense, and allowed silences to stretch when it needed. Right now though, he wasn’t sure what Bucky needed.
“I’m not the Bucky you knew in Brooklyn.” Bucky expanded when Steve took too long to answer. “I…I am Bucky, just not that one.” He was still looking into his mug, and not looking up at Steve.
“I know. I never expected you to be.” Bucky looked up sharply at this, and Steve just shrugged a shoulder then sat across from Bucky at the small kitchen table.
“Then why…” Bucky couldn’t quiet finish the question. Steve took a sip of his coffee and tried to think about how best to phrase everything.
“Why did I let you stay and offer to help?” He tried to clarify, and Bucky nodded, eyes flicking between looking at Steve and the door, as if he might make a run for it. “Because you are Bucky, jerk.” His lip quirked up to show that he was teasing, and Bucky stopped glancing at the door.
“I know that you aren’t the Bucky I knew in Brooklyn, and I know you won’t ever be him again.” He said the words with determination but kept his voice low. Bucky looked surprised, and disappointed, as if hearing Steve say that confirmed a fear he had. “But even if you could, I don’t know that I would want you to be that Bucky again. I’m not the same Steve that was in Brooklyn, so I don’t think that one can exist without the other.” Bucky’s eyebrows were drawn together and a small frown was on lips.
“Look, maybe I’m not saying it right, but people change. Our lives change us, and that’s okay. Sometimes it hurts, and sometimes we don’t become better people and other times we do, but we’re always changing. I’m not the same Steve I was when we shared a place in Brooklyn, I’m not the same Steve I was when I received the serum, or the one that punched out Hitler for crowds, or the one that found you at the Hydra base, or the one that watched you fall, or even the one I was when I woke up in the wrong century. So how could I expect you to be the same Bucky, when that Bucky wouldn’t even recognize the Steve that I am?” Bucky was no longer frowning, but instead he was looking puzzled.
“But that Bucky was your friend?” It was a question, rather than a statement.
“Bucky was always my friend, and you always will be. You’ve changed a lot since we were kids in Brooklyn. You changed when you enlisted, when you shipped out, when you had to fight in the trenches, when Hydra caught you the first time, when we fought with the Howling Commandos, and many times since then. You haven’t been that Bucky in a long time, and that’s okay.”
Steve took another sip of coffee and watched Bucky absorb this information. At first he nodded his head as if it made sense to him, then a small frown formed. Still without saying anything Bucky set down the mug, and stood from his chair and began to pace restlessly across the kitchen and back again. After five passes he turned and squared himself towards Steve before he spoke again.
“But I hurt you. Bucky would never hurt you.” There was anger at himself in the words, and Steve frowned at Bucky distancing himself from his past self again.
“Yes and no.” He started, and then gestured for Bucky to sit back down. The man did slowly, but stayed perched on the edge as if he were about to rise at any moment, his back held straight. “I’m not going to lie to you, because it would make everything else I am telling you ring hollow. So yes you hurt me, but it wasn’t really you. Even if it was, that is alright, as long as you didn’t mean it.”
A scoff of disagreement came from Bucky, but Steve kept going. “And even though you never meant to hurt me before you were the Winter Solider, you have. I know I have never meant to hurt you, but I have.” There was a pained noise, and then another noise of disagreement.
“Yes I know I have. But even after what scientist have done to each of us, we are only human, and humans make mistakes. What makes us friends is that the hurt isn’t intentional and we get over it and forgive the other. That is what love and friendship are, caring for someone else and trying not to hurt them.”
“You never hurt me. I tried to kill you, and I almost did.” Bucky was shaking his head and glaring at Steve.
“The Winter Solider tried to kill me while wearing your body and you saved me. Besides I’m better now.” He gave another shrug and continued on. “And I have. While I haven’t tried to kill you yet,” he gave another soft smile to show his joke, and Bucky seemed to catch it. “I have hurt you. I know it hurt you every time I got hurt in a fight because you hated to see me get injured. It hurt you every time I tried to enlist because you were afraid I would either get caught or I would get approved and sent overseas where I would die. It hurt you when I showed up changed in Europe and I didn’t make it clear right away that I would always need your friendship. I hurt you when people started paying more attention to me than you. And I know I hurt you the worst the one time I said ‘goodbye’ when I thought I was going to die from the flu that one winter.” He could have kept listing all the little slights and emotional pains he had inflicted on Bucky over the years, but Steve didn’t know if he could handle talking about all of them. He was staring into his own coffee mug this time, not ready to meet Bucky’s eyes, unsure if he even remembered all those moments.
“But you didn’t do any of those things to intentionally hurt me.” Bucky said slowly, his eyebrows drawn together again.
“And you forgave me?” Steve asks, and while he smiles slightly, he is worried as they have never really talked about any of this before, not even before all the Winter Solider and memory wipes.
“Of course.” Bucky sounds surprised at Steve’s question.
“So you see that is what friends do. You’re Bucky Barnes and you’re my best friend.” Steve said it with a real smile. Bucky stared at him a moment, as if processing everything, before the corner of his mouth twitched up into a small smile.
“Ok. But you are still a punk.” Steve’s cheeks ached from the smile that stretched across his face at this.
“Jerk.” He replied fondly. They lapsed back into silence, but this time Steve knew they had made progress.