Chapter Text
Pain. Pain. Not the kind that medi-gel can fix either. The lucky to be breathing kind of pain and every breath is a fire hot poker into my side, into me, tearing me apart in three billion pieces.
I wake up multiple times, unable to move, just breathe. Keep breathing. One breath, two breathes, three…blackness
Then, the pain has eased. It’s like it’s behind some firewall. It’s still there, but it’s distant. Thoughts don’t formulate they seem to pass over the still ocean of me and feel distant. Grey and static.
I blink. I don’t hear. I just breathe.
It’s so many more fitful awakenings. It’s nightmare after nightmare. It’s fighting inside of me and vomiting up nothing over and over again, and choking on it.
It’s not knowing if I want to live like this. Sometimes, the pain is more than I can bear even behind the firewall of the medi-gel. It’s a stupid existence of grey and nothing, but pain and fighting for breath, sometimes having something else force breath inside of me.
It’s not knowing what the crap I’m doing or where I’m at or even who I am.
Then, it’s someone holding my hand. I don’t know how long it has been, but the pressure is good. My eyelids flutter as I try to push them open. More effort than I remember and there’s something blue and white in front of me.
The voices are far away and I’m too exhausted to fight my eyes open again.
But the curiosity is there and then, I think blue. Little blue children and I remember with a flash what I’m fighting for. Then, the nightmares rip through me, even more violent: Husks, banshees, horrible things, thresher maws, and reapers and dead bodies. Hands, knees, feet, bones, spinal chords, and blood splattered everywhere like some cheesy horror vid. Soldiers and civilians all dead, so many dead.
“Shepard.” That voice. I know that voice.
“Liara…” my voice cracks, barely a whisper ripping through me and I start coughing. I feel wet on my cheeks and my eyes flutter open and focus on that face. “Dreaming?”
“No, Shepard. I’m real,” she says with a sigh. I know that sigh. I know her. I try to touch her cheek, there are tears there. She’s hurting, but I can’t reach them. The washing of pain through me is too much, running over me like a spasm. “Don’t try to move.” She holds the hand I tried to move. “You’re hurt.”
“Am I going to make it?”
“I think so,” she says with a shaky smile. “They say you still have some fighting to do, but this…this….they don’t know you. My Shepard. You’ll fight them all to hell and back.”
“It hurts,” I tell her. She leans over and I feel the heat of her cheek pressing against mine. Those precious tears running down my own cheek.
“I know….I know,” she says and I feel more tears. “Will you keep fighting for me or are you done?”
“Not….done,” I tell her. “But tired, precious.” Her eyebrows knit and I see a hint of a worried smile.
“Then, sleep. I’ll be here or not far away,” she assures me.
***
When I wake up next, Tali is there. She is reading something on a data pad and I’m so glad to see her it gets hard to breathe. She looks over at me.
“Doctor,” she says into her omnitool. “Shepard, it’s okay. Do you want me to get Liara?”
A doctor walks over in a jumpsuit and presses something into my arm. My thoughts get a little blurry, but my breathing slows.
“She’s highly anxious and in a fragile state,” the Doctor says. Not Chakwas, not anyone I know. Where am I? I can’t be in the Huerta Memorial Offices. The Citadel…
“Tali,” I murmur confused.
“Yes, Shepard. I’m right here. Are you okay? Can I get you anything? The doctor says you can’t have real food yet, but maybe water, are you thirsty?”
“No, my mouth is dry though.”
“I’ll ask about ice chips then,” she says. “I’ll be right back.”
“Don’t leave. Don’t leave me, please.”
This time I can move my arm without excruciating pain. I grab her arm and feel her, really feel her soft and hard suit. It’s Tali, my Tali.
“Okay,” she says and her eyes shine under purple mask. Then, she brings up her other arm. “I’m not leaving but you have to let me go.” My fingers give up the fight. She touches something on her omnitool and must’ve sent a message. Then, she sits down, slides the stool to me and holds my hand. It’s a rare gesture.
Her fingers find purchase between mine, they are so narrow and long, covered in a fine black leather-like lining, but thinner with bits of metal at each tip of her finger and running up between her thumb and first finger.
“It’s good to see you awake, Commander Shepard.”
“It’s good to see another friendly face,” I admit in a gravelly voice that doesn’t sound like mine. “Are you helping, Liara out? Is she sleeping?” Tali laughs and shakes her head.
“Commander…” she says in a warning voice. “She’s fine. You just need to worry about getting yourself better. Does anything hurt? They’ve been saying you’ve been in a lot of pain.”
“It’s better now,” I say and swallow with my parched throat. I try to clear my throat, but end up hacking until some brown gunk comes up from my lungs. Tali grabs something from behind me, it’s like tissue and wipes it from my mouth. “I can do it. Crap.” My lungs burn a little now.
“It’s okay. I won’t tell,” she says casually and throws the tissue away. “Maybe the doctor and Liara what color it was just to be sure, but not anything else. I’d do anything for you Commander at this point, so don’t be a baby.”
Liara walks in with a cup of ice. She helps make the bed, so I can sit up with a few presses of a button. I’m held still by a few straps under my arms so I don’t fall over and it’s just a little so I don’t choke on the ice. I can feel the pain threatening.
“What’s wrong with me? Why am I so tired?” I ask them a little panicky. My chest tightens of it’s own accord.
“Just take it slowly, Shepard,” Liara says to me. She takes out a piece of ice and her fingers, burning, touch my lips. The ice is already damp, but it stings my mouth. “Pull up her blanket. She’s frozen, Tali.” Tali obeys, tucking it tightly around my arms.
“You’re not answering my questions,” I tell them. The ice is starting to melt enough that it’s in my dry mouth and I can swallow a little. My throat burns as it tries to reflexively swallow. Liara sits down on the bed near me. I look at her. “Liara…”
Her lips purse, but her eyes are so full of concern and caring. It reminds me of how much I love her.
“Can I get a kiss at least? Please,” I beg her and a smile comes across her face. Her eyes flashing with old humor as she leans in and kisses me on the cheek. I turn toward her. She’s like molten lava on my chilled skin and she gives me a chaste kiss on the lips.
“You’re still my Shepard all right,” she says wryly and runs her hand through my hair. “I’ll tell you next time you wake up, promise, but you need to sleep some more.” She gives me more ice. “Did the doctor give her anything? She tends to sleep better with sedatives.”
“He already gave her one,” Tali assures Liara. “Do you still want me to stay?”
“Just to keep me company for a while after she goes to sleep. Will you try to go to sleep, Shepard? You need to rest.” The more she talks about sleep my eyelids get heavier and close.
“She spat up a little,” Tali gives her report when Liara starts asking about her stay with me. “Didn’t look good.”
“I’ll tell the doctor,” Liara says and I can hear them rustling in the trash to see what I’d coughed up. “Chakwas will be down for an official check up in half an hour.”
“Keelah, that’s good. I’m so worried about her,” Tali says. I’ve never heard Tali sound so worried, except that time we thought her Dad was still alive…until he wasn’t.
“Me too, but she is getting stronger. That’s the most I’ve heard or seen her do. The pain is getting better, by the goddess. That’s such a blessing. I can almost see a way through now. Having her in any form is better than nothing I suppose though.”
“I don’t envy you, Liara. I feel like I’m lucky…I’m alive, my home planet is still standing because of this woman and the flotilla made it for the most part. But I can barely stand it, because it’s taken everything from Shepard.”
“Tali, just breathe. It’s not your fault. It’s no one’s fault.”
“Keelah, here I am fussing. You’re just like Shepard. Maybe that’s why she loves you so much. She was asking about you before you came. If you’re getting enough sleep, how you’re doing looking after her…”
“See, I am a lucky woman,” she replies amused. “I have Shepard. She’s a gift. Asari don’t care about the physical. I fell in love with the woman and that is all that matters.”
I wonder what she means by that. Do I look terrible? Will I always be stuck in bed? I can feel my hands, my fingers. Crap. Crap. Crap.
My eyes fly open.
“I can’t feel my feet,” I say to them. They jump.
“Keelah!”
“By the goddess, Shepard, were you listening that whole time?” Liara demands. “The Doctors don’t know if it’s temporary or not.” She grabs the bridge of her nose. “I told you to go to sleep.”
“You know I don’t listen. I was trying,” I tell her. “But then…will I get the feeling back? What’s wrong with my back? Is it everything waist down or just-“
Liara crosses over to me and leans forward so we are looking eye to eye.
“Right now, it’s just your legs. The scans show neural activity from the waist down just not your legs. That was something your synthetic side was taking care of. Miranda is coming to have a look tomorrow. She’s going to start working with the team to see what can be done about the pain and any other anomalies. Will that satisfy you for now?”
“Y-yes,” I say and she kisses my forehead. I feel her smile against my forehead. I’m looking into her chest. I lift my arms and hug her, but I’m too weak to hug her too me. She sits down again. “The dreams are bad.” The words come out before I remember Tali is there. “Crap. I’m tired.”
“Tali, maybe you should go,” Liara says, looking toward our friend.
“No, I’m sorry,” I say, shaking my head. “I’m messing it up.”
“I’ll see her later, promise. I’m not doing this by myself,” she assures me. She undoes the straps holding me and scoots me over a little, glowing blue to help her. Tali leaves us and she curls up next to me now. She’s so hot. It’s like she is a furnace.
“How’s this?” She slides me partially onto her as best as she can, so we have plenty of room and she is touching me. She holds me and some parts of it hurts, but I don’t care, because I want her and going to sleep sounds scary. Every time I blink I see the images that leave me shaking and sweating. She nestles into me.
“The sedatives will help,” she assures me. “Let’s try, Shepard. Let’s try to sleep. I know it’s scary. Whatever you went through was bad, but I’m here whatever that means to you.”
“It’s everything, Liara,” my voice shakes with emotion. “You’re the only…” The words stop and she kisses my neck. Her arms tighten around me. I grab one. “Looser please.”
“I’m sorry, let me know if I’m hurting you or if you need anything,” she says. I nod and close my eyes. I can feel her hand stroking my hair, my cheek and slowly I fall asleep.
I wake up to her moving and Chakwas talking.
“Hi Commander. Glad to see you awake,” she says. I nod, having run out of words. The sedative has a strong kick to it. She opens my hospital gown. “Liara.”
“Shepard, why don’t you look at me,” she says. “Just focus here okay.” My mind kind of blanks out, skips, when I get a glance of myself. I don’t actually see anything, but it reminds me of the dark place in the citadel before I reached the catalyst. Full of bones and broken pieces of people, blood…blood splattered.
“Shepard.” Liara’s voice feels far away even though she’s blocking all of my vision. She kisses my forehead bringing me back. “I’m here. Did you know? I’ve started writing my new book with Javik. He’s been answering more of my questions and reading through the sections I wrote. He says it’s laughable some of my theories. We get in quite the arguments without you to negotiate between us.”
I smile at her. The rhythm of her words brings me somewhere better, warmer and it feels okay now.
“Where am I?” I ask her, feeling Chakwas examine sensitive parts of me, parts that have stitches inside of me and feel funny and buzzy and tender.
“We’re on earth, near London actually one of the outside towns,” she says. “It’s quite beautiful here. Rolling green hills, stone pathways, and bridges. Busy for such a small place, but most of the smaller towns have taken in the refugees as the military rebuild London.”
Chakwas closes my gown.
“Thank you, Liara,” she says to her. “Shepard, do you have any questions?”
“All I know is about my legs.” She sighs.
“I’ll need a little help and time with that,” she says. “We may have to wait a long time. A lot of the higher functioning machines we had aren’t functioning. Miranda will be arriving tomorrow to help. It’s also low priority. There’s a lot going on Shepard and the fact that you are stable means that we may have to return to the field. I can at least leave Miranda with you.” I nod. “It’s not to say that you aren’t important. You’re still important, but there are so many people in critical status.”
“I understand,” I interrupt the guilt that must be eating her alive. “Anything else? Can I have a report or something? I just want to know what’s wrong with me.”
“What isn’t, Commander? Most of your internal organs have had a bit of a shake up. We removed your gallbladder, part of your liver, and stomach. It’s amazing you were even alive. You should have bled out, but something fused the wound. There was a lot internal bleeding. A concussion and a lot of lacerations, deep lacerations and burns from explosions. A lot of things aren’t functioning well because of the synthetic materials in your body shutting down, but again Miranda should be able to help us with that.”
I shut my eyes.
“We can’t treat everything all at once. It’s going to take time and like I said we’ll need to prioritize it. You’re in bad shape, Commander, but you’ll live. Just keep breathing for us and you’ll live.” She grabs my shoulder and I nod. “That’s all.”
“Thanks, Doc,” I tell her and she nods with a stern face.
“I’ll come back by when I can. There’s just too much to do, but I’ll make sure nothing pressing is overlooked.”
“Thanks.” She has to leave us in hurried strides.
I look over at Liara and pat the bed. She curls up next to me again. Her hands more possessive this time, holding me with a firmer grasp.
“I’ll be fine, Liara. I’ll heal.”
“Of course you will Shepard.”