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part one
The first time, it happened a little bit like this:
Jace had been reading nonstop for the past two weeks, indulging himself in any books or writings or journals he could find about the parabatai bond. He spent sleepless nights in the institute’s library, and if Alec and Izzy found it unusual, they kept their observations to themselves. It felt a bit like information overload, if he was being honest. Every description, every pro and con, every warning about becoming someone’s parabatai only seemed to push Jace into wanting to do it more and more. And not just with anybody but with Alec, his best friend, and soon enough, once he agrees, his parabatai.
The blonde nephilim approached his best friend akin to how a human would a predator, cautiously with his arms itching to raise in front of him in defense. He didn’t know exactly what he was being nervous about. This is Alec. They’d been best friends since the Lightwoods had taken Jace in, but they both have always known that what they had was much more intense than just brotherly love. Sometimes they would describe themselves as such, but they knew it wasn’t quite right. And to Jace, that’s all the proof that he needed to decide that perhaps he and Alec were fated to be something else, something deeper.
“I’ve been studying nonstop,” He admits, breath still held in. “I didn’t stop until I know every possible thing there is to know about this.”
Alec looked at him in mixed curiosity and confusion but nodded at him to continue anyway. They were in the training room sparring, and Jace panted when they stopped for a break, trying to find the right words not to make the situation any weirder than it already is.
“Alec,” he paused, contemplating his next course of action. His feet took him in front of the brunette boy, fists clenched and muscles tense. “Alec. Let’s do it.”
His breath hitched. “Do what, exactly? Jace, you’re not making any sense. Just get to the point.”
“Alec…Be my parabatai.”
It wasn’t a question, even if it was supposed to be one. To Jace’s ears it sounded more like a plea, and a part of him felt pathetic but his nerves spiked up once again when he saw his words register into Alec’s mind, and he watched as his best friend slowly took a step back with a frown.
That hurt a lot more than he was prepared for.
Had he been wrong? Perhaps Jace was delusional and the more that he had felt with their bond had been just him. Perhaps Alec thought it was too weird to share his soul with someone too damaged. Perhaps…
“No.”
It was the finality and incredulity in Alec’s voice that made Jace’s temper snap.
“Why not?” He tried to level his voice but Alec had already seen the hurt in his expression and heard the anger in his tone. “What, am I not enough for the great Alec Lightwood?”
The brunette shook his head and pursed his lips. “No. Don’t do that. You know that’s not what I meant.”
“Then what do you mean? Because right now all I’m getting is a ‘no’ and not even a reason why!”
Alec looked away pointedly, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “The answer’s no, Jace.”
“Tell me why!” He raised his voice, the rejection feeling like he got poisoned by a demon over and over again. He was shaking and it hurt, because Alec was the last person he expected to let him down, to reject him. Choosing a parabatai wasn’t a light decision, but Jace had been so certain that Alec had been it for him and for the first time in his life, it felt like he finally found home, and that had been with Alec, and it hurt to find out that he had been wrong and Alec hadn’t felt the same way.
Alec snapped. “We can’t because I’m in–“ he stopped himself, and it was only then that Jace realized just how close they had been, their chest brushing against each other with every harsh breath. Alec was impossibly close and it felt too intimate and too new and maybe it was just his imagination but he could swear he saw Alec lean it, but he was across the room before Jace could even think about what was happening.
“You’re what?” He pressed, desperately chasing for an answer. “Alec.”
But the brunette nephilim only shook his head, trying to hide his horrified expression. “Nevermind.”
“Alec,” Jace called out again, watching his best friend pause in his steps. “Please.”
He sighed. “Give me time, alright? I’ll think about it.”
That was as good as he was going to get, and if he dreamed about how close they had been and that it was as if Alec was about to kiss him, he killed those thoughts the moment they entered his mind.
part two
Alec had felt the pain before he knew what was happening.
It was an excruciating sting in his lower back, so painful he had doubled over in the middle of a briefing and if Izzy hadn’t been there to catch him, he would have embarrassedly fell on his ass.
“What is it?” his sister asked worriedly, helping him to a nearby chair.
He shut his eyes and panted out, “It’s not me. It’s Jace. He’s hurt.”
Jace had been on a routine mission, and it wasn’t supposed to be even remotely dangerous. The pain in his back was enough to warn Alec that that hadn’t been the case this time, though. He could feel panic rising in his chest and for a moment he wasn’t sure if those feelings were from himself or from his parabatai. He could hear Izzy barking orders to the other nephilims around, trying to find out where Jace was or who he’d been with. Alec palmed the skin on the upper side of his left hip and took a deep breath.
“I think he’s in Hell’s Kitchen with a rookie,” someone said, but Alec was too out of it to recognize who. Still, when he heard of the location, it was as if he developed a newfound strength, enough to ignore the pain, enough to stand up and march towards the weapons section and grab his bow.
Izzy followed hurriedly after him, fighting off an exasperated sigh at his older brother. “Alec–“
Before any of them could comprehend what’s happening, a noise came from the entrance of the institute, and someone had shouted his name.
“It’s Jace!”
Alec barely had the time to regain his composure before he bolted for the door, and the sight that met him made his knees weak.
Jace was leaning agaist the door, shirt torn and blood dripping everywhere, and the rookie with him, barely fourteen years old, stood shaking in fear with a hand wrapped firmly against Jace’s bicep.
“What happened?” Alec rushed, taking Jace’s other side in assistance and slowly they made their way to the infirmary.
The rookie that Alec couldn’t be bothered to remember the name of handed Jace’s stele with trembling fingers. “The demon almost got me, but Jace pushed me out of the way. I activated his iratze rune but there’s still so much blood.”
“Hey, it’s okay,” Isabelle soothed, catching up to Alec’s steady strides. “Quick thinking on your part. Now go clean up, alright? We’ll take care of Jace.”
The boy merely nodded before disappearing off to the rooms, practically sprinting out. Alec had enough sense to understand.
Finally they reached the infirmary, Jace still slipping in and out of consciousness, and Alec activated all his healing runes just to make sure. They were parabatai, after all. Runes were supposed to work better and faster when they do it to each other. The commotion had died down by then, but the brunette nephilim refused to leave his parabatai’s side even when the healers had cleared him from any serious damages.
“Shouldn’t you be working?” Alec’s head snapped up at the sound of Jace’s voice, and his familiar smirk sparked both relief and annoyance from him.
He glared as hard as he could, fists clenching by his sides. “You…!”
“What?”
“I told you! I specifically told you to be careful, to stop being so goddamn reckless and heroic, but you always end up here! You don’t even think about how I–how we would feel every single time you put yourself in danger!”
“Alec–“
“Do you know how worried I was? I felt your pain and it was excruciating! I thought…If it wasn’t for the kid activating your iratze you could have…”
“Hey, hey, Alec,” Jace interrupted and attempted to sit up, but only ended up wincing in pain.
Alec frowned once again. “Don’t strain yourself.”
“I’m not, okay? Hey, I’m fine.” Jace paused before grabbing Alec’s hand hastily. “I’m sorry I’ve been reckless and stupid and heroic again. I’m sorry I put you in that kind of pain. It was actually really painful. That demon could sting.”
His parabatai scoffed, and there was a beat of silence before Alec suddenly pounced, wrapping his long arms around Jace’s still recovering body.
“Ouch, ouch.” Jace hissed but accepted the hug nonetheless. “Knew you couldn’t resist me.”
“Can’t lose you, okay?” he mumbled against Jace’s blonde hair, voice deep and muffled and everything. “Next time I’m coming with you.”
“Even if it’s just a simple routine mission?” Alec pulled back to look at him pointedly.
“Even if it’s to buy milk from the nearest grocery. I’m not letting you out of my sight, Wayland.”
Jace’s eyes cleared and for a second Alec could swear his parabatai had been starting to lean in, and he felt the skip on both their heartbeats, felt the rush in their veins, but Jace was already laughing and patting his back in such a platonic manner before Alec could dwell on that particular train of thought.
Part three
Jace had never really thought of his life without Alec Lightwood.
It was never a possibility, not to him, and he was almost certain that with or without the parabatai bond, Alec would still be in his life one way or another. Their matching runes just added assurance to that. And, well, Jace didn’t exactly lose Alec per se, but it certainly felt like it.
It started the day of Alec’s wedding.
All day he had been fidgeting as if something was not right, but he didn’t know what it was. The institute didn’t look like the institute; there were colored tents and food everywhere, but that didn’t seem like the problem. Sure, Izzy’s been too busy the whole week preparing and he’d barely gotten to talk to Alec save for that one night where they talked about their problems and reservations, but given everything that happened ever since Clary arrived he had gotten used to seeing them less and less. Still, not knowing what his problem was bothered Jace, and so he did the one thing he was good at: he trained.
He felt an unusual amount of relief when he saw that the training room was left untouched. He’d probably throw an ugly fit if he saw his safe place covered in colors and flowers and everything that’s not right. He lifted his shirt off in a swift movement and approached one of the punching bags and began.
“I figured you’d be here,” He sensed Alec approach before he heard him, but he continued his punches harshly as if bruising his knuckles would suddenly make him aware of the root of the uneasiness settling in his stomach. “You never knew when to stop working.”
He halted right then, if only to cock an eyebrow at his parabatai. “Are you sure you’re not talking about yourself?”
Alec rolled his eyes before approaching him, taking off his jacket and tossing it on the floor. “I need to train too.”
“You’re getting married in less than four hours,” Jace pointed out but moved to get weapons nevertheless.
Alec ignored his statement, shook his head at him and smirked. “Let’s go hand to hand.”
“You having second thoughts?” Jace surged forward first but Alec easily blocked his attack, and from there it was like a well choreographed dance that they’d been practicing since they were children.
“No way,” the brunette panted going for Jace’s lower abdomen where he knew was sensitive, but the blonde nephilim knew exactly what he’d been planning to do. “I want to do this. Besides, Lydia’s not so bad.”
“Yeah, but you don’t marry every girl that’s not so bad, do you?”
Alec frowned and Jace used his temporary distraction to swing his leg under him, making the both of them fall with a hard thud on the floor. “What exactly is your point, Jace?”
“Marriage is a serious and permanent thing, you know,” he managed to say through the grunts that left his lips continuously while they both were still struggling to gain the upper hand. “It’s not something you do just because you want to clear the family name or whatever it is you think you’re doing.”
Finally, Alec managed to flip their bodies around, his hands instantly gripping Jace’s and pining him to the floor. The blonde nephilim tried to ignore the twist in his stomach when he felt his parabatai grind against him when he tried to move, tried to ignore the fact that he was very much familiar with that twist, but it never happened with Alec before–fuck, it never happened with a guy before.
“Is this your final attempt to make me change my mind?”
And Jace didn’t know what crossed his mind, had no idea what he was thinking, but it felt a lot like instinct and before he knew it he was arching up and he was this close, this close to closing the gap between their mouths, but then–
“What’s this? Pre-nuptial training?” Izzy barged in clad in her workout clothes, heading straight for the weapons section. If she noticed how quickly Jace and Alec sprung apart, she didn’t say anything. “Is that what people call it these days?”
Alec stood up, dusting his pants with a roll of his eyes. “Shut up, Izzy.”
The brown-eyed girl only smirked at the both of them before going to the other side of the room and beginning her training. Awkward silence followed, but before Alec could make a move to leave, Jace was already scrambling up and calling his name.
“Alec,” his voice was unusually soft, quiet enough that Izzy couldn’t hear, but Alec heard every word. “Just…tell me you’re happy. Tell me that you won’t regret this; that this is what you really want. Tell me that and I won’t bother you anymore.”
Alec held his gaze for what seemed like forever, and Jace could read the contemplation in his eyes like an open book. Releasing a sigh, his parabatai clenched his fists at his side and looked down. “I have to do this, Jace. I have to.”
And then he walked away.
Bonus
With a final look at himself in the mirror, he could deem it a proven fact: Alec Lightwood looked weird in white.
That probably should have been the least of his problems considering he was fifteen minutes away from marrying a girl he doesn’t love to save his family name, but it was the thought ringing in his mind as he walked towards the reception anyway. Isabelle had practically been skipping all day, too excited for her own good. She doesn’t by any means approve of his decision, but she did have a field day¬–or, well, week, designing and transforming the institute, picking motifs and food and dresses and worst of all, dressing Alec up. His scalp still burned with the memory of Izzy’s unforgiving comb and all the gel that she put to try and tame his hair, much to no avail since there were still a few stray and stubborn pieces falling on his forehead.
“Alec–“
He groaned out loud, rolling his eyes for good measure. “I swear if someone approaches me one more time asking whether I’m sure about this, I will take Lydia and elope to Idris.”
“Like hell you would,” Izzy scoffed, hooking her arm through her big brother’s. “That just defeats the purpose of this whole wedding. We both know you wouldn’t be doing this if you hadn’t convinced yourself that it’s what’s right.”
“Because it is,” Alec pointed out with a hard voice. “Please just support my decision. As my sister.”
The brunette nephilim raised her eyebrow with a small frown. “What do you think I’ve been doing all week, Alec? I’m trying to make this whole thing as pleasant as possible.”
They continued to walk until Alec found himself right down the aisle, waiting for the other guests and the silent brother officiating the wedding to arrive. Isabelle had found Clary and Simon and the three were chatting on the side, but Alec could only focus on one thing and that thing hasn’t shown up yet.
Maryse walked up to him with a proud smile, but when she reached up to fix his lapels, Alec instinctively took a step back. Trying to ignore the hurt look that fell on his mother’s face, Alec fidgeted with his fingers. “Where’s Jace?”
“You’re his parabatai, shouldn’t you know?” His mother rebutted before her face softened ever so slightly. “I’m sure he’d be here soon. Now stop worrying.”
And she was right. It had only been a few minutes later when the doors opened and in walked Jace, all made up and devastatingly handsome in his suit that Alec had to pinch himself because really, who gave him the right to look that good on the day of Alec’s wedding of all days?
“For a second there I was afraid you wouldn’t show,” he tried to tease lightly once Jace had stepped on the podium beside him, but they both could detect the tremble in his voice. “Thank you…for being here.”
Jace hid his emotions well under his perfected smirk, and Alec had to fight back the hitch of his breath when his parabatai’s strong hands gripped his collars and straightened them. “Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
“Jace,” he sighed, looking down at the blonde’s hands that were still gripping his blazer rather tightly.
“Don’t, okay? You want to do this. The least that I could do as your parabatai is be here for you, with you.”
Alec could do nothing but smile tightly and wrap Jace in a crushing hug.
There was a tightening in his chest that was almost painful the minute Lydia graced the aisle with a big, excited grin on her face, add that to the guilt that was slowly inching its way up his spine. It took him a second to realize that the tightening he’d been feeling wasn’t his, and he glanced wide-eyed at his parabatai standing by his side.
“What are you doing?” he whispered, confused. The crowd applauded for Lydia, and the pain in his chest–in Jace’s chest, he realized, tightened even more at the sound. “What’s wrong?”
Jace frowned but avoided his eyes. “What are you talking about?”
“I…” Alec struggled for words, eyes drifting to Lydia who was finally only a few steps away, to Izzy who’d been watching Alec with intense eyes, and to his parents who looked so proud. “Jace, I can feel your pain.”
He flinched, and like a defense mechanism, Jace built his walls up until Alec couldn’t feel anything. “I…”
But Lydia was already at the altar, looking radiant and beautiful, and Alec had never felt so guilty about not loving someone more.
The ceremony began, and the longer he stood there, the faster his heartbeat got, and with every word that left the silent brother’s mouth, the harder he found it to breathe. And when Lydia said her ‘I do’s’ and he once again felt a spike of pain coming from his parabatai, Alec had to take a step back.
The crowd went silent, and he could feel the burning stare of his mother on the back of his head, but he clenched his fists and gasped. “I…I can’t breathe.”
And he couldn’t, really, because finally, finally, he recognized the feeling Jace had been giving off since they met at the aisle. The tightening sensation in his chest, the spikes of pain and the difficulty to breathe felt so familiar that Alec could have laughed at the irony. After all, he’d been feeling it since he was fifteen and realized that he was in love with his best friend, who had wanted to become his parabatai. Heartbreak.
Jace Wayland was heartbroken, and it didn’t take a genius to guess why.
He looked helplessly at Lydia, and then to Jace, and back to Lydia. He didn’t dare spare a glance towards his family lest he feeds the shame that had already started sinking in on him.
“Alec, hey,” Lydia called his attention, but she was wearing a kind smile, and there was a glint of understanding in his eyes that was so mature and so Lydia, that Alec breathed in relief before she even began to speak. “It’s okay.”
His knees almost gave up on him. “I’m so sorry,” he managed to croak out, and there was a new feeling fostering inside his parabatai, and Alec almost cried. It was a feeling of hope, and Alec knew then what he had to do. “I can’t do this.”
He could hear the screech of the chair as Maryse stood up abruptly, chest heaving in disbelief and anger. “Alexander Gideon–“
“Enough.” He said with such finality that even his own mother gasped and took a step back, and he chanced a look at Isabelle who was watching him with proud, tear-filled eyes. Her nod of encouragement was enough to make up his mind. He walked with purposeful strides towards Jace, who was watching everything with shocked eyes, and before he could even mutter a word, Alec already had a hand at the back of his neck, swallowing Jace’s gasp in a heated kiss.
“Alec…” His parabatai, his Jace, breathes out when they finally pulled apart, eyes still closed but feeling everything. Alec had never been more aware of Jace than at that moment, with their limbs still wrapped around each other and their lips brushing with every breath.
“It’s okay,” he whispers. “I felt you. I could feel you in everything.”
“I love you,” Jace finally admits with a shudder, hands gripping Alec’s sides in a desperate manner.
“I know,” Alec chuckles but there were tears in his eyes. “I know. I love you, too.”
With another tearful laugh, their lips met in a kiss that was almost ten years long overdue. (To tell you a secret, though, it was more than worth the wait.)