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Eiji freezes as soon as his eyes see the envelope lying on his bed.
It’s old, wrinkled, and looks like it’s been through hell.
The letter he wrote.
The letter Ash read before he died.
Eiji’s hands tremble slightly as he reaches for it. Buddy nudges his leg and whines as Eiji presses fingers against his handwriting. Dear Ash .
It’s ok. Eiji tells himself. You knew this existed. Max told you years ago this existed. It’s ok. Eiji takes a slow deep breath as he carefully opens the seal and slowly pulls out the wrinkled piece of paper. A plane ticket falls to the floor when he opens it. Eiji’s breath catches, his eyes noticing the specks of old blood, the spots of dampness where tears were shed.
Eiji feels his whole body shiver. He pulls out his phone and dials Sing’s number.
“Hey, Eiji.” Sing answers gleefully. “Already missing Akira?” he jokes.
“Did you leave Ash’s letter on my bed?” Eiji tries to keep his voice calm, but it shakes.
Sing makes a click with his tongue. “Yeah… you said you knew about it so I thought maybe you would like to keep it.”
“There’s blood on it.” Eiji’s thumb rubs the old blood on the paper. My soul is always with you .
Sing doesn’t answer. Eiji takes another sharp breath. “Why is there blood on it?”
“You said you knew about it…” Sing’s voice drifts from the receiver.
Eiji feels his composure crumble. “Max told me Ash read my letter. That it was why he let his guard down and Lao stabbed him, but… there’s blood on it… there’s tears… how long did he hold this...?”
“Look. I’m heading there now. Just wait for me and we’ll talk about it—”
“How long?!” Eiji demands.
“It doesn’t matter now…” Sing tries.
“How long?” Eiji begs.
There is a slow shuddering breath. “Hours. The coroner wasn't exactly sure how long… but it was hours.”
“All that time I was in the air…”
“I’m close to the station already. I’ll be there in about half an hour—”
“I won't be here.” Eiji deadpans. He grabs the ticket from the floor and puts the letter back in the envelope.
“Just wait for me there!” Sing yells.
Eiji shakes his head even if Sing can’t see him. Grabs his bag and puts the letter inside. “I won’t be here. I’m going to visit Ash. I’m going to borrow your car.” He hangs up before Sing can say anything else. Puts the phone on vibrate and grabs the keys. He ignores Buddy’s barks as he locks up, turns on the car and drives off.
“Fuck! Fuck!” An elderly woman glares at Sing dissaprovingly as he swears in the middle of the station. He calls Eiji back immediately. It goes to voicemail. “Fuck!”
The sign by the track displays a five minute delay for his train. Sing scrolls through his contacts and presses on Cain’s name. Cain answers on the third ring. “I fucked up!”
Cain waits three seconds. “Nice to see your alive. How’s normal life treating you?”
“I need to borrow a car. I can't explain right now.” Sing knows if anyone in the city would give him what he needed with no questions asked it would be Cain. Even if Cain was no longer a gang boss, even if he had his own family to take care of. He still had connections Sing had long lost when he left that world behind.
“Where do you need it?”
Sing breathes a sigh of relief and tells Cain the address five stations down.
Eiji sits on the parking lot for longer than he intends. Three times he almost starts the car again and drives off. Twice he almost rolled down the window to throw the letter out. He reads it again. Touching every word knowing that Ash’s fingers touched them too. That Ash’s tears and blood were still on it years later.
Eiji turns off the car and gets out. His bag loose yet heavy on his shoulder. He heads into the cemetery with steady steps. He knows the trail by heart, passing plots and headstones of all shapes and sizes. It has been a while since he’d been here. Months… maybe more. It wasn't because he didn’t want to visit. He just couldn’t. Wouldn’t...
He pauses when he sees the pair of headstones by a tree. Hands close hard on the strap of the bag as he finishes those last few steps.
Deep breath.
Deep breath.
Eiji’s fingers graze the granite slowly. He feels the knot in his throat instantly as he reads the inscription.
Aslan Jade Callenreese
1999-2018
“My soul is always with you”
“They finally added it.”
Eiji wipes away the tears. It cost him five hundred dollars to add the words to the headstone. At the time he thought it would make Ash’s death more real. He thought that it would ease the ache in his heart because he missed Ash’s funeral. Stuck in Japan trying to get a new Visa. He never got to say goodbye. There were no memories left behind of that day except fracture recollections of reluctant voices.
And so he still chases after strangers that look like Ash.
“I’m sorry I haven’t visited.” Eiji stares at the name. “It wasn’t that I didn't want to see you. I did but… But… It’s just easier to pretend you are somewhere far away and not here beneath my feet.”
Eiji takes slow deep breaths, ignoring the few tears he blinks away. He sits on his knees in front of the headstone.
“I put your picture in my show. I opened a show! I didn’t tell you. I got interviewed and everything. It’s really exciting.” Eiji fidgets. “Remember that picture I took of you by the window? That day we… When the sun was rising?” Eiji smiles at the memory. “Everyone had said really nice things about it. They’ve said they want to see more of your pictures… The ones I hid away... “ A pained chuckle escapes his lips. “I cried myself to sleep the other night looking at them. It’s been so many years and I still— I still…”
Eiji’s shaking fingers pull on the zipper of his bag and he pulls out the letter.
“Sing gave me your letter back… Max told me a few years ago that you had read it. That it distracted you and that’s why Lao was able to hurt you.” Eiji places the letter between himself and the headstone. “But that’s not the truth is it?” Eiji opens the envelope and takes the letter out. “What’s the truth, Ash? Did you really wait for hours until everything was gone? Did you read these words I wrote to you. Did you understand how badly I wanted to be by your side and then decided to die?”
Eiji chokes out the last word in a sob. He shuts his eyes tight, the world feeling heavy around him. The air like it’s trying to choke him. “I bought you a ticket to go with me? Didn't you see it?” Eiji bends forward, hands on the soft grass, his fingers curl into the earth, digging beneath and clumping a small ball of dirt. Eiji holds back a sob and throws the grass and dirt at the headstone. “Do you know how much it hurts to realize how much you love someone when they tell you they are dead? How much regret and guilt you feel?”
Eiji grabs another clump and throws it. Ash words haunting him. Go back to Japan. I don’t want you to see me like this. Sayonara. “Did you think that if you were gone I would have no reason to come back?” Because you wanted me safe. Because you wanted me to go to Japan and never come back.” His chest feels tight. “Well guess what? I’m an American citizen now. I made your world mine because you changed it forever. You changed my life forever!”
A bird flies away from a nearby tree. Scared away by Eiji’s scream. He watches it leave.
Eiji takes a shuddering breath. He opens the letter and traces the red again.
“I don't understand…”
It hurts so much.
“Why did I write this? If I hadn’t… would you still be here? Would you be here with me?”
It feels like he can’t breath.
“I don’t understand…”
Eiji throws his bag against the headstone and screams. Opens the zipper all the way and grabs whatever it’s in there to throw at Ash’s name.
Buddy’s ball.
His notepad.
His headphones.
The battery pack for his camera.
“What am I supposed to do?” Eiji screams. “Was it I who killed you?” Eiji cries. “Did I kill you?”
He throws the bag against the headstone tipping it until all it’s contents spill in front of him. Something makes a loud metal clack. Eiji stares, his breathing ragged and shallow. He holds it all in for a second, two, then slowly releases a shaking breath as his hand closes over the gun.
Sing swerves and honks at a car going slow on the passing lane.
He turns and takes the exit way faster than he’s supposed to. Very aware he hasn't been pulled over by sheer luck.
The cemetery is only two minutes from the freeway and each red light is like torture.
He calls Eiji over and over. Voicemail. Voicemail.
“Pick up your phone!”
Sing grinds his teeth and bumps his head on the steering wheel. His brain making him remember the last time Eiji wouldn’t pick up.
The first August 12 after Ash had died.
~
Sing hadn’t been worried at first. Not when he woke up. Not when he noticed the date on his phone. Not the first three hours of trying to call Eiji and listening to voicemail after voicemail.
Eiji just wanted to be alone. Sing had told himself. Perhaps he turned his phone off. Perhaps he left it on mute.
Excuse after excuse he made to pretend something wasn’t wrong.
It wasn't until he talked to Max, Cain, and Alex and they all told him they were unaware of Eiji’s whereabouts that Sing started to worry and found himself banging like crazy on Eiji’s apartment door. The fear rising within him when Eiji wouldn’t open, until he broke it down and ran inside.
He found Eiji shaking in a corner of the bathroom floor. A mess of pills and puke all over the tiles.
“I think I got them all out.” Eiji had said in a raspy voice. “I think I got them all…”
Sing ran to Eiji’s side as he dialed 911.
“No.” Eiji tried to squirm away. “I spit them all out don’t call anyone.”
“911 operator.”
“I found a friend of mine. He swallowed a bunch of pills… yes he's conscious...”
“No! Don’t tell.” Eiji tries to stand up, but slips. Sing grabs him and holds him up. “He’s trying to walk—yes! I’m sure he needs medical help.”
Eiji tries to push Sing away. “I don’t! No help. I spit them all. I spit them all.”
“Godammit. You’re drunk too aren’t you.”
Eiji half hiccups-half sobs. “I forgot… I forgot I told my mom about Ash’s birthday, but she remembered she remembered…” Eiji’s eyes wander across the bathroom. Sing follows his line of sight to see an opened gift box tipped over in the corner. A hand knitted scarf with small patches all over. Japanese flags, little sushis, little bowls of ramen and the name Ash embroidered on the end. It was the most ridiculous thing Sing has ever seen.
Ash would have worn it in a heartbeat.
“She remembered when I talked about him. Isn’t my mom nice?” Eiji sobbed. Sing grabs a towel and tries to dry the tears. Eiji shakes away. “She forgot he died… She forgot he won't be able to wear it.”
The door slams open and a pair of paramedics enter the bathroom. Sing moves away to let them work. Watches as Eiji struggles against them.
“Am ok! Ok! I spitted them out!”
The paramedics hold Eiji down and Sing looks away until the cries and screams stop.
~
Eiji was in the psychiatric ward for five days. He refused to talk to Sing. Refused to talk to anyone that visited him.
His parents even travelled to New York to try to bring him back to Japan, but he refused and only agreed to leave after Sing promised he’d keep Eiji safe.
He had promised them he would keep their child safe...
“Hurry up!” Sing yells at the light. Honking his horn and hitting the accelerator as soon as it turns green.
Eiji’s fingers grazes the cold metal.
~
“I don't want a gun.”
Sing had glared and told Eiji to take the weapon. He was Eiji’s height now. With dead set eyes that Eiji knew would refuse to back down.
“I don't need one.” Eiji remembers grinding his teeth and pushing Sing’s hand away. “Isn’t there a law against giving a gun to someone that has a record of suicide attempts?” Eiji asked coldly.
“That was years ago.” Sing reminded him. “It’s only for a little while. Just a precaution. Some people aren’t thrilled about my retirement.”
Sing insisted three more times before Eiji took what was offered.
“Ok. So this is the safety—”
“I remember.” Eiji says coldly. “Ash taught me.”
~
Eiji weights the gun in his hand. “I forgot this was even here.” It was heavier than he remembered. A pressing weight. “Is this your answer?” He holds the gun firmer.
Eiji stares at the headstone. “Hey, Ash…” Index finger coils around the trigger. “Do you think someone will remember me like I remembered you?” He turns the barrel towards himself. “Do you think they’ll talk about us or forget us?” The metal is hard against his skin. “I don't even know if I will see you or if there’s nothing else.”
In the distance someone calls Eiji’s name.
But it sounds so far away. So far…
Eiji stares at the small dark barrel pressed against his chest. “Are you here right now telling me to stop?”
This is the safety lever.
Eiji’s thumb pushes down until he hears the click.
Pull the trigger lightly.
He still remembers Ash’s arms around him.
“Your soul is with me, Ash.”
Aim well and…
Eiji squeezes the trigger.
There’s a patrol car parked by the entrance of the cemetery.
“No…” Sing parks on the closest spot. He has never gotten out of a car so fast in his life.
He rushes to the patrol car, noticing both cops are looking at him with high alert. Sing makes sure his hands are visible. “Excuse me! Did you get a call? I’m looking for a friend of mine!”
The officers exchange a quick glance. “We got a call of a possible disturbance. Someone behaving erratically.”
Sing’s breath catches. “Was it a Japanese man? Was it Eiji?”
“We haven’t checked the area yet. We just got here.”
“Fuck!” Sing bolts towards Ash’s grave. “Eiji! Eiji!”
Sing’s footsteps on the small paved path feel extremely loud. Around him the world continues. Birds chirps. A widow leaves flowers on an old grave. This place where the ones that are gone call home.
Sing has never run so fast in his life.
When Sing sees Eiji kneeling in front of the grave. There is a flicker of relief. A second and a breath.
“Eiji…”
It is only a flicker.
It is only a second.
Sing sees the gun.
Hears the boom of the bullet.
Eiji falls fast and hard to the ground.
“Eiji!” Sing removes his jacket with practice ease as he finally reaches Eiji’s side. He presses the material over Eiji’s chest firmly. “Eiji!”
A harsh gurgled gasp escapes Eiji’s lips. His eyes are drowning in tears and wide with fear. He stares at the sky as he realizes he can’t breath. “It hurts—”
Sing puts more pressure on the wound. “Someone call 911!” He chokes out.
Eiji’s hand trembles as he reaches out towards the headstone. His broken voice trying to say Ash’s name over and over and over.
“Eiji no! You can’t go to him yet!”
Bloodied fingers reach towards the grave. “Next to him...” Eiji cries. “Next to him…”
“Not yet.” Sing snaps. “Not yet!” He howls. Because he knows. He’s seen enough death to know he can’t do anything except watch as life vanishes from Eiji’s eyes. “Eiji… ”
“Put your hands up!”
The world heavies around Sing. Eiji is no longer moving. His half-lidded eyes no longer seeing.
“Put your hands up!”
Sing slowly obeys the orders. “I’m sorry,” he mumbles. “I couldn’t protect you.”
He wants to scream at the officers, but there is no point. He just feels the squeeze of the handcuffs around his wrists and watches as one of the cops checks for Eiji’s pulse and shakes his head.
Sing stands ten feet from the scene.
A handful of cops and emergency personnel filter in and out. He was interviewed for five minutes by a young detective, but all Sing can think of is how pointless it all was.
Was it like this for Ash too? A death in an unusual place. A flurry of humans trying to figure out what happened when the story was there for all to see.
To love so much you forfeit your own life.
To love so deeply you forget you’re important too.
That you mattered to the ones you leave behind. That they are the ones to carry the burden, the memories. The ones responsible to let the world know you were here.
Sing has no concept of time anymore. How many hours he’s stood here waiting. The sun barely hanging on.
He exhales as he sees a pair of feet. Glares at the captain who grabs the handcuffs and unlocks them. “This fell from the body as they were putting it in the ambulance.” Sing recognizes the letter being offered to him. Grabs it with shaking fingers. “The body will be at the office of the Chief Medical Examiner. It will be released after the investigation is over.”
“What’s the point?” Sing adds bitterly. “Your men were lazy and my friend is dead.”
The chief purses his lips. “I’m sorry for your loss. You’re free to go.”
Sing stares at the letter covered in fresh blood. Stays by the grave until the police disappear. After the yellow tape is removed.
He stares at the things thrown around Ash’s grave. The only things left of Eiji’s flickering heart and love. The ground and grass are still soaked with blood.
Sing grits his teeth. “You stupid imbecile!” He screams at the headstone. “What was the purpose of all of it! What was the point of loving so feverishly if you were just going to let him go and destroy his heart?” He kicks the headstone. “Damn you, Ash! Damn you, you asshole!” Sing’s voice is hoarse from screaming. From crying. He drops to his knees, his jeans swallowing Eiji’s blood. He digs into the dirt with his hands, makes a hole deep enough and places the letter inside. “I’ll bring him back to you like he wanted. Just give me time.” Sing pushes the dirt over the bloodied paper. “Wherever you are…” More and more until it’s completely buried. “Please take care of him.”
Sing stands and grabs his jacket drenched in blood. Snatches his phone from his pocket and scrolls to a name.
It only rings once. “Does Eiji need anything?” Max’s voice on the other end is like always. Friendly. Willing to help.
“I only call you about Eiji isn't it?” Sing chokes out.
“Well yeah… You sound weird. Is Eiji ok?”
Sing swallows hard as a wearied gasp escapes his lips. He shakes his head. “No. Eiji is dead. He killed himself in front of Ash’s grave.”