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Sabo felt like crying, his eyes welled up and his chest ached but he held it off. For now at least. Later, when he and Ace will eventually crawl out of bed, Sabo will make it to the bathroom and cry as quietly as he can and spend the next couple minutes washing the evidence away. Ace wouldn’t.
Ace like to pretend that sad isn’t apart of his vocabulary. That he doesn’t get sad. So Ace represses it. Goes about his life pushing it deeper and deeper as more piles on until he’s too full and it’s too much. Until he can’t take it anymore and he cracks. Which is how Sabo found himself this morning, holding onto Ace who is unable to hold onto the fractured mask.
When Sabo woke up, the first sight to greet him was Ace curled into himself, his back to Sabo. Not unusual, they had very different sleep movements after all. What wasn’t normal was the shaking of his shoulders. He had watched quietly for a moment, saw how Ace curled further into himself, his hand snaking up and digging his nails into his shoulder as he shook. “Ace” he whispered watching as Ace froze in place before relaxing the best he could. As Sabo had expected. Ace only hummed, tilted his head to indicate he was listening. Hoping Sabo didn’t notice anything was out of place.
Sabo wasn’t going to go along with it. As he shifted closer, Ace moved his head down and closer to the bed, hiding his expression from him. “Tell me what’s wrong.” His slender hand running along Ace’s back feeling the vibration through his body when he spoke.
“Nothing” is replied and Sabo knew it was supposed to sound casual, Ace was pretty good at that but Sabo knew better. He always did.
“Ace-”
“I’m fine Sabo, I’m just-” Sabo could visibly see Ace swallow back his emotions, still facing away from him “-I’m just tired alright? Lets just go back-”
“Don’t” Sabo said, softly but determined as he sat up and pulled gently at Ace’s shoulder. Only slightly surprised when Ace didn’t resist being laid on his back. “Don’t pull that shit with me Ace.” Ace still faced away from him, his brows furrowed and mouth in a thin line. But Sabo saw how the corned quirked down and the little movements of Ace biting his cheek. With a small sigh Sabo leaned down and rested his head against Ace’s. Not caring the way his hair fell into their faces.
“Look I know that we’re shit at this but-” moved his face down catching Ace’s eye “-talk to me. Please.” Ace was quiet just staring before his lip trembled ever so slightly. He brought his hand and brushed back Sabo’s hair. A way to distract himself, or steady himself perhaps, it didn’t work and Ace closed his eyes.
“I don’t.” His hand slowly dropped down and tightly grasped Sabo’s night shirt. “I don’t know, okay?” Ace choked turned his head to the other side and closer to Sabo. “I don’t fucking know why my stupid fucking brain won’t.” He dropped his grip on Sabo bring his hands up to his face, fingers tangling tightly in his dark hair. “I’m so fucking stupid feelin’ this way for no fuckin’ reason!”
Biting his lip, Sabo gently pried Ace’s hands from pulling further on his hair. He guided the trembling hands around him and he pulled Ace closer. Holding him as he crumbled. “I’m sorry” Ace’s voice cracking as he buried his face into Sabo’s chest.
“Why-” Sabo swallowed, fighting down his own emotions “-why are you apologizing?”
“I don’t know.” Ace replied in a broken, wet laugh. “I’m sorry for being stupid.”
“You’re not stupid.”
“I’m sorry for being weak.”
“You’re not weak.”
“I-I’m sorry for making you sad.” Ace gasped and dipped his head away slightly away from Sabo. “Sorry I can’t, I can’t fucking suck it up for once in my life.” Sabo couldn’t help the way he shook as he pulled Ace closer. That wasn’t true. That had never been true. If there was one thing Sabo knew about Ace since before they were even friends, was that Ace never stopped pushing things down.
Snapping out loudly in anger, his violent bursts, sharp retorts. All of these were things he did as a kid because he never stopped “sucking it up”. And the older he gets the worst he does it. Only it’s not in violent loud burst that end with bloodied knuckles and broken bones. It’s struggling to breathe as he still fights his emotions. It’s not understand why, not knowing that cause the snap. It’s being curled up in bed because he can’t force anything down that day.
“Ace-” Sabo reached up and cupped his face “-you’re not stupid. You’re so much fucking smarter than anyone gives you credit for.” He reached down and grabbed one of Ace’s wrists. Pulling up his arm and shaking it in their faces. “I wouldn’t call anyone with arms like these weak.” That earned him a wet chuckle with a weak trembling smile.
Sabo moved Ace’s arm over him and hugged Ace closer, resting their foreheads together. “You don’t have to be strong all of the time Ace.” Ace bit his lip eyes remaining closed. “And you don’t always have to hold yourself up on your own. Just like you don’t always have to try to hold me or Luffy up. Even when we don’t need it.” He reached up and gently ran his thumb over Ace’s wet, dark lashes as a few more tears tracked down over his nose and down onto the bed.
“You don’t have to hide when it hurts Ace.” He nuzzled his face closer to Ace’s. Fighting the tightness clawing at his chest. “Especially from me.”
“I could say the same.” Ace whispered after a moment, finally starting to reel himself in. Sabo smiled, maybe a little more bitterly than he meant but Ace still hadn’t opened his eyes anyways.
“Hey, I already said we’re both shit at this sort of thing didn’t I?” At this Ace finally opened his eyes, sniffling up the snot from his nose. At least he wasn’t blowing it in Sabo’s shirt, any other time Sabo is sure he would.
“We’re both kinda fucked up, huh?” Sabo snorted and laughed, a little caught off guard.
“Do I even have to answer that?” Ace smiled but shook his head. But his smile faltered a moment later and he looked away.
“Sorry-”
“Don’t” Sabo stopped him “you don’t have anything to apologize for Ace so stop.” Ace huffed and let his body lax into the bed, making a face when he cheek moved into the wet patch in the sheets. They sat in silence a moment and Sabo wondered if Ace was falling asleep. He wondered how long he had been up boiling over before Sabo even woke.
“I love you.” Broke the silence and Ace opened his eyes again. If Ace was falling back asleep than he needed him to remember he is loved. Very much so, so maybe when he woke again he won’t feel so alone.
“I love you too.” Ace whispered back, resting his face into Sabo’s shoulder. Sabo curled himself over Ace, moving his leg in between Ace’s. He was certainly going to break down in the shower, he decided. Later, when they had finally crawled out of bed. But for now, he was going to lay, with his best friend, the man he loved more than anything, in his arms for as long as he needed.