Work Text:
in the end we all become stories
Amy stood at the podium, her speech in hand, yet she wasn’t ready.
Everyone was looking at her to start and say this wonderfully profound speech and her speech was amazing, by far some of her best work. But she just couldn’t. She just couldn’t reduce what his life meant to her, to everyone, to the speech clenched in her hands. She just couldn’t.
He was so much more than some heartfelt words on a piece of paper.
She looked up at the huge crowd in front of her and back down at the wrinkling paper.
She hated that he had been reduced to this.
She took a deep breath and started, “To be honest, when I realized that would have to be the one to give the eulogy I was terrified. I really didn’t want to. I still really don’t want to, but here I am. I didn’t want to because I didn’t love Jake because I do, I still love him so much it hurts. I didn’t want to because I have to condense Jake into 7-10 minutes and I just didn’t think I could do that.”
She looked up from her paper and locked eyes with Rosa, who was sitting a few rows back. She nodded slightly with tears welling in her eyes, telling her to continue.
Amy took a deep breath and continued, “Jake is worth so much more than these 7-10 minutes, but I am going to try my best anyway.” She choked as she tried to swallow down the lump in her throat.
Another deep breath and she started again, “I have a lot of memories with Jake and a lot of stories that I could tell you all, like” her voice quavered as she recalled the memory but she kept going, “how he fainted when Maya was born because he had just come from a blood drive and still had a needle in his arm.” Everyone seemed to chuckle softly because that story really was funny. Jake would’ve wanted laughter at his funeral.
“Or the time he arrested a public urinator who was standing next to snowmen to make it look like the snowman was the one peeing and came into the precinct covered in human pee.” She remembers that day so vividly. He came in so pissed, and yes she told him that and of course that forced a smiled out of him even though he didn’t want it.
She keeps going, “Or the time he tried to make scrambled eggs and then forgot he was making scrambled eggs and went to take a shower and almost burned the apartment down. Or I could tell you how he let Maya dress him up as Princess Daddy and then paraded around the block pronouncing that Queen Maya was coming.”
She sees Maya smile softly, something she hasn’t seen from her since before Jake died and she didn’t realize how much she missed it. Jake’s inherited smile on both of her children.
“I have so many stories about him that we could be sitting here all day if I listed them all. But the one that means the most to me. The one I have been thinking about the most ever since it set in that he is in fact gone is this,”
She has to stop again because she can feel tears starting to well in her eyes, “It was-it was two Tuesdays ago and it wasn’t anything extraordinary to be honest. I know you all must be thinking it was something spectacular but it wasn’t. It was our first day off together in 2 weeks, which wasn’t all that uncommon because we both worked long shifts and that’s just how it was. We saw each other after our shifts, but we didn’t get a whole day without the kids a lot.”
She looks over at Ben and Maya again, Maya sitting stoically and next to Ben, who is leaning into her brother David’s side with tears streaming down his face.
“No offense to the kids but sometimes, we just wanted some time to ourselves to do what we wanted to do. And for the whole day all we did was we lay on the couch and watched Die Hard, reruns of cop shows, and Die Hard 2 because he had a problem with that movie. We ate take out food and we spent the whole day in our pajamas and didn’t care about anything else. It was the perfect day.”
Amy smiles softly through the tears at the memory. Her fuzzy sock covered feet in Jake’s lap as he flicked through the channels on the TV. Even though the day was only 2 weeks ago, the memory seems so far away.
“I can tell you all these highly animated stories about Jake like how he broke his foot by running over cars and accidentally fell through an open sun roof or how he proposed through our annual Halloween heist. I can tell you how he picked Ben up from a playdate and accidentally took the other kid home instead and didn’t realize it until he was halfway home.” There’s a look a shock that seems to go over the crowd so I quickly add, “That story isn’t that bad because the boys actually switched clothes to make it happen.”
Amy smiles softly, tears streaming down her face, “But in the end, that isn’t the part I want to remember the most. I want to remember the times I felt loved beyond belief and the times that he made me feel like the most important part of his life. The man that had so much love in her heart is the man you all should remember. You’re all here because Jake somehow touched all of you and that’s what I love about him.”
The church collectively seems to nod in understanding as everyone is hopefully remembering their own story or memory they shared with him.
“Try and remember him the best you can for the rest of your life because he may not be with us anymore but he can still live through us whenever we remember him. So, if you have a story about Jake, share it and Jake will never really be gone.” She finally finishes and looks down at her paper. It’s smudged with tears and the sides of the paper are nearly completely obliterated but it is still intact.
The church is clapping for her but she’s frozen in place, unable to move because now it’s over. It’s all over.
Jake is really gone and now she has nothing left.
The clapping has subsided, but she is still frozen in place and all she can do is stare at her finished speech. The speech that was supposed encapsulate him and now it’s just over.
“Hey,” She feels two arms wrap around her and start to guide her away from the podium, “It’s going to be ok.”
She turns her head slightly and sees Rosa is the one slowly guiding her away from the podium and back to the pews. She sits her down next to Maya and is about to go back to her seat but Amy grips her hand and pulls her down to sit next to her.
The rabbi finishes the service but Amy doesn’t remember most of it. Amy doesn’t want to remember this. She doesn’t remember how she had to say goodbye to her husband for the rest of her life.It just wasn’t fair.
When it’s all done she remembers being hugged by a lot of people, while Ben clings to her hand and Maya is close beside. It’s a lot for her to handle, she can only imagine what is going through their heads right now.
Before she knows it, she’s ushered into a car, with Rosa and Gina. “Ben and Maya are riding with Terry.” Gina says from the passenger seat.
Amy stares mindlessly out the window knowing she will hear all about how moving and wonderful her eulogy was and how it was so perfect for Jake, but all she can think about is that all he is is a memory now. A story to be told at bedtime.
He’s gone and all that’s left is the memory of Jake Peralta.