Chapter Text
It’s too much.
The lights stinging his eyes, the screaming fans grating in his ears, his clothes itching against burning skin, the scent of thousands of alphas and betas and omegas all clogging his nose and throat.
Jin follows the choreography from muscle memory but he’s a step behind everyone else and he knows it's noticeable. Namjoon and Taehyung have noticed. The looks they shoot him have switched from amused to worried and he tries a smile but when he catches a shot of himself on the screen he realises it appears more like a grimace.
He just needs to get through this song. He’ll let himself collapse offstage. There’s only the bridge and a chorus to go. One minute. He can do another minute.
Tremors ripple through his body but he holds on, he stays on his feet. His heart pounds triple in his chest. His head is about to burst.
Something is so very wrong with him and he doesn’t know what it is.
Jin licks dry lips and his sight blurs at the edges.
He tries not to panic. His fans shouldn’t have to see that. His members shouldn’t have to either. He just needs to make it through forty more seconds.
His lethargic limbs take him to his next position. Hoseok mouths something as they pass but Jin can’t make it out. He needs to concentrate. He has a line coming up. One line and thirty seconds; it’s doable.
Except when Jungkook sings his part Jin realises he has no idea of the lyrics. They’re muddy in his head and even if he knew them he’s not sure they’d make it past his heavy tongue and sandpaper lips.
Jungkook finishes and Jin opens his mouth a beat too late.
Instead of his crumbled voice he hears Jimin’s perfect pitch.
Jin turns his head and sees Jimin singing while looking at him with wide eyes. Jin could kiss him right now. If he wasn’t about to throw up all over the stage.
Twenty seconds though.
Jin keeps his head down and tugs out his ear piece. He makes a half-hearted attempt at the choreography but he knows it looks bad yet he can’t bring himself to care.
He’s got ten seconds and then it doesn’t matter.
Time ticks by painfully slow and then it’s mercifully over. Jin stumbles away before the lights have dimmed. There’s still more of the concert to go but he’s done. The staff wait on the precipice of the stage with hands outstretched and he falls into them. He hears shouts for medics and then he’s out.
#
Jin blinks awake. It’s so white. He raises an arm to block out the sunlight, or tries to. His arm twitches but doesn’t raise.
A figure next to him moves and speaks but sight and sound and scent are foggy. The figure shouts and then there’s more noise as people come into the room. Doctors, he thinks, from what he can make of their white clothes. And then he passes out again.
#
It’s darker when Jin wakes a second time. The blinds are closed and Yoongi and Namjoon sit either side of him. Their scents are muted but at least he can clearly see them, can clearly see the bags under their eyes and the tension they carry in their shoulders. Neither of them have noticed Jin wake.
“Can I have some water please,” he says, croaks, and watches in some amusement as they leap in their seats.
“You’re awake,” Namjoon says, his tone almost unbelieving.
Yoongi leans forward in his chair. “How are you feeling, hyung?”
“Better.” Jin tries to shift himself up on the bed but his limbs are weak and shaky. “But not great.”
“That’s good. That’s really good.” Namjoon touches Jin’s hand but the slight pressure is like hundreds of pins piercing his skin.
Jin recoils with a hiss. “Sorry,” he says at Namjoon’s hurt expression.
Namjoon shakes his head. “No, no, I should be more careful. And I should get the doctor.”
He stands, pausing over Jin, then leaves.
Yoongi hovers on Jin’s left. He’s silent but his gaze is intense and locked on Jin.
“Could you get me that drink please?” Jin asks, looking for a respite more than anything.
Yoongi pours water into a cup and holds the straw for Jin. He drinks and water has never tasted so good. He gulps it down and then a second cup.
“More?” Yoongi asks.
Jin shakes his head and Yoongi sits back down.
“Where is everyone else? Are they alright?” Jin asks.
“They were here earlier but they were sent back to the hotel to sleep.” Yoongi pauses before adding, “They’re a mess. We’re all a mess.”
Guilt gathers in Jin’s stomach. “I’m sorry. About the concert and worrying everyone.”
“Don’t be, you said you were feeling off before we started. We should have listened.”
Jin had felt a little lightheaded before going on stage. He’d put it down to hunger. He’d had no idea a few hours later he’d be in hospital. And no one else could have guessed either. “It’s not your fault. It’s not anyone’s fault. I didn’t know I was going to get sick.”
“Do you know what happened?” Yoongi asks.
Jin shrugs. “It was kind of like all my senses were overwhelmed and my body couldn’t cope.”
“And how do you feel now?”
“I feel… brittle? And out of sorts. But not like I’m about to have a heart attack or throw up my internal organs in front of all our fans.” Jin says it like a joke but like most of Jin’s bad jokes Yoongi doesn’t crack a smile.
The door opens and Namjoon returns with a doctor.
“Good to see you’re awake,” the doctor says. He picks up Jin’s chart and glances at the machines surrounding him before turning to Jin’s visitors. “Would you two mind stepping out so I can talk to Seokjin-ssi privately?”
They both linger, hesitant to leave a vulnerable pack member in the hands of a stranger. Jin has to gently shoo them into departing. The doctor trails at their heels and firmly shuts the door before taking a seat beside Jin. He wears a frown and his lips are pinched together and anxiety flushes through Jin’s system.
The heart monitor picks up and the doctor holds up a placating hand. “You don’t need to panic, you’re going to be okay.”
“I am?”
“Yes.”
Jin sinks back into his pillows. “So you know what’s wrong with me?”
The doctor nods. “You body is rejecting the suppressants you’re on to disguise your omega nature-”
Jin’s gaze darts to the door, to where Yoongi and Namjoon wait on the other side. They can’t possibly hear from there, can they?
“-and the continual usage triggered an overdose.”
“But… but I’ve been on them since I was fifteen. I’ve never had a problem with them before.”
“Eleven years is a long time to be on these suppressants. I’m actually amazed you haven’t had a negative reaction sooner.”
“But I’ll be fine?”
“Yes,” the doctor says, except he draws the word out like he’s hiding something behind it.
“Yes but…” Jin prompts.
“Yes you will recover. However you can no longer take these suppressants.”
Jin feels like the bed drops out from beneath him, like he’s falling and leaving the oxygen behind. He leans forward and inhales but the air catches in his throat and he can’t seem to swallow it down.
Everyone’s going to know.
Everyone’s going to know what he really is.
Everyone’s going to know he’s been lying about his nature for years.
He’s going to be in the news all over the world. He going to be the centre of countless articles discussing nature politics for the rest of his life, the target of vitriolic hate campaigns, the villain in petitions to remove him from BTS and-
And his pack. They don’t know. They have no idea. No one does but his close family and a few managers. But now, now they’ll be changes in the dynamics of the group- if they even decide to keep him. They’ll treat him differently. He won’t be another beta hyung but an omega. An old unmated omega who has no idea how to be an omega. Jimin makes it look easy but Jimin is cute and sweet and young and soft. He screams omega. Jin is broad shouldered with gangly limbs and eternally awkward. Beta fits him. It’s fits him more than those three agonising years as an omega before he went on suppressants. It’s who he is.
The doctor speaks but Jin can’t hear. Blood rushes in his ears and his hands clasp at his heaving chest.
Then pins shoot into his arm and Jin violently wrenches away. He gapes at the place where the doctor touched his bicep as the painful shock brings him back to his senses.
“My apologies. Your body is extremely sensitive to physical contact with other people right now,” the doctor says. “It will settle down soon.”
Jin rubs his arm. He feels burned but there’s nothing to show for it. “How soon?”
“Typically between three to five days. It will fade as your body adjusts to being off the suppressants and your hormones return to your true nature.”
“And then I’ll be an omega. I’ll smell like an omega and have… heats like an omega?”
“Yes.”
Three to five days. Three to five days to undo eleven years of battle. How can it be so quick?
“But judging by your reaction I suppose you’d rather try another line of suppressants?”
Jin’s head whips up and a muscle twinges in his neck. “What? I can still take suppressants?”
“Not the ones you were on, of course, but we can find something else. You may have to trial different medications but I’m certain we’ll find something that will work. Unfortunately it will mean a few difficult months ahead if that’s something you’re willing to-”
“I’m willing. I don’t care how difficult it is I’ll trial anything,” Jin says in a rush. Before he felt like he was falling and now he feels like he’s floating. All his fears vanquished in a sentence. It’s the greatest gift he’s ever been given.
The doctor nods but he looks grim. “I want you to understand this won’t be easy. Trials like this come with complications.”
“I don’t care.”
“I think you will.”
The smiles slips from Jin’s face. But unless the complication is losing an organ - a necessary one - he’ll take anything that comes his way.
“To put it simply, suppressant trials will have a lot of failures before a success. They could cause an adverse reaction, they could trigger a heat, or they simply may not be strong enough. It’s very likely that during the trial you will at some point revert to your true nature,” the doctor says softly.
Jin looks towards the door, to where Yoongi and Namjoon stand on the other side. “So everyone will find out anyway?”
“Possibly. Some of my patients have found neutralising soaps and body sprays work in masking their scent changes while on this trial. Others choose to stay in hotels during times they’ve felt an oncoming heat. It won’t be easy, not for someone in the public eye, but this is your only option. Unless you’d rather not risk the trial.”
“No, no, I want the trial, I need the trial. Today, we have to start today. Please.” It comes out whinier than he meant. Almost omega like.
“Okay,” the doctor says. He straightens up. “We can start working on that today.”
Jin closes his eyes and exhales in relief. He isn’t falling or floating but he feels like he’s in the bed with firm ground under him. There’s fear but hope. A chance at least that everything will turn out alright.
“Thank you,” he says and the doctor nods and smiles for the first time.
He’s at the door when Jin shouts, “Wait!”
The doctors halts.
“Do I,” Jin lowers his voice, “smell like an omega now?”
“No. Not yet.”
Jin could have done with a simple no.
The doctor touches the door handle.
“Don’t let them back in,” Jin blurts out. “Tell them I need rest or quiet or something. Tell them anything, except for the truth. You can’t tell them that. You can’t tell anyone that.”
“You have patient confidentiality. Our conversation will remain private.”
“Right.”
“Try to relax, Seokjin-ssi. Rest will do you good.”
The doctor opens the door and leaves. There’s conversation outside his room and Jin lays back in bed, ready to feign sleep in case Yoongi or Namjoon poke their heads in, but the door closes and Jin lets out a shuddering exhale.
I can still be a beta, he thinks to himself. I’m still a beta. Still a beta.
He repeats the mantra in his head until he thinks he might be able to believe it.