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Daryl has very few good memories of his childhood, most of the ones he should have are overshadowed by the pain, fear, the smell of his own blood. But he does remember before everything got so bad, that his mother would lie with him at night and read to him from a tattered set of Winnie-the-Pooh books that her mother had read to her as a child. That tradition had long since gone to shit by the time she burned herself up along with everything else, including those books.
A year or two later, Daryl was hiding in the trunk of a twenty year old Cutlass that he couldn't ever remembering even running, trying to avoid his father's rage. He used the flashlight to shift through all the crap in there and found an old worn out copy of The House at Pooh Corner. He lost track of how long he stayed in that trunk, pouring over the pages with his mother's voice in his head.
To this day, whenever he sees anything to do with that bear, he feels a little bit of warmth in his chest, though he'd never tell a soul that. Lord knows how much shit Merle would give him if he ever knew. When he was twenty-six, he was walking through a bookstore, heading for the coffee shop in the back, when he saw them on a shelf, Pooh's Library, A Four Volume Set. He didn't analyze it, just picked up the books and headed for the register. Once home, he hid the books in the back of a closet, only to come out when he's too drunk and ready to open the wounds.
The first time he ever met tiny Emma Kate Greene, she was carrying a little bedraggled stuffed Winnie-the-Pooh. Later when he realizes how deep in he is, he'll blame that stupid, pants-less bear.
**********
you can be pretty sure that an Adventure is going to happen.”
“Whatcha doin'?”
Daryl is laying under his truck, trying to figure out why the transmission is slipping, when he hears the tiny voice for the first time. He slides out and stares up at her as she looks down at him, blue eyes and white blonde curls. “The hell are you?”
“Emma Kate. And now you hafta give me a quarter.”
“What?”
“Whenever my Aunt Maggie says a bad word my Momma makes her give me a quarter. You said a bad word so I get a quarter. Are you wearing your adventure boots?”
“Ain't there an adult you should be with?”
“I'm wearing my adventure boots 'cause Momma and I are starting a new adventure! We got a new house and I'ma go to school at the day when Momma goes to her new job at the big hospital.”
Daryl's still laying on the ground staring up at her as she dances around in her pink cowgirl boots swinging her bear. He sits up and glances around, hoping to see someone coming to claim her, but no luck. “Shouldn't you go find your parents? Are you lost?”
She screws up her nose, looking at him like he's crazy. “No. Are you lost? My Momma can help you find your Momma if you need her to. One time we found a little boy that was lost at the store and Momma held his hand until we found his mother so he wouldn't cry.”
Daryl stands and wipes off his hands, but before he can come up with the proper response, the back door of the neighboring house swings open. “Emma Katherine Greene, what did I tell you?” He turns to the voice and his breath catches in his throat. She's beautiful. She's wearing a grungy tank top, jeans and boots. Her hair is braided, with bits and pieces escaping all over the place and she's sweating. But she's beautiful. And she's made her way over to him and now she is looking at him like a crazy person; he can see where the kid gets it.
“What?”
“I said, I'm Beth Greene. I'm sorry if she was botherin' you; she can be like a little escape artist sometimes.” She sticks her right hand out, while her left immediately goes to the kid's head.
“Daryl Dixon.” He shakes her hand quickly and drops it as his eyes glance down. The kid's just staring up at him with a big grin on her face.
“This is my Momma. Ain't she pretty?”
Beth laughs. “Sorry, she's four so we're just learning social graces. I bought the house next door and we're moving in.”
“Guess that means we're neighbors.” Merle always said that Daryl had a habit of stating the obvious.
“Guess so. We'll be seeing you around, I'm sure. C'mon Emma Kate.” As they turn and head back next door, Daryl can hear their conversation.
“Momma, what's his name?”
“Daryl.” He likes how she says his name. It's probably the same way everyone else says it, but it sounds different to him.
“Well, Daryl has to give me a quarter. He said a bad word.” Damn kid's a blabber mouth.
**********
He downs some coffee while he checks his work e-mail. He works for the county, managing the maintenance of all the heavy equipment they use at the road commission. There's a new project starting next week and Daryl's still waiting on parts to get a few key pieces of equipment ready to go and he's getting antsy. He hates feeling unprepared, hates that everyone may be looking at him like he's not doing his job. He's still wondering if he should head into the shop, when there's a knock on his back door.
He opens the door to reveal the young guy from Beth's back yard. Great, it's the boyfriend. “Hi, are you Daryl?” He grunts in acknowledgment. “I'm sorry to trouble you, but Beth thought you might have a drill we could borrow? I turned my back for two seconds and Em managed to remove and lose the battery pack from mine.” Well done, kid.
Daryl motions the guy out of the way and the heads to the detached garage behind his house. He goes in, retrieves the drill and brings it back to the guy, all without saying a word. “Great, thank you.” He sticks out his hand after taking the drill. “I'm Shawn.” Daryl doesn't actually want to be nice to the boyfriend. He grabs his hand and gives it a shake.
“Daryl.” With that he moves around the guy and heads back in the house. He really should head to the shop after all.
Hours later, Daryl returns home to find the swing set done and the group of people of people next door has grown, grilling out and milling around some new outdoor furniture that hadn't been there this morning. As he is getting his tools out of the truck, the kid comes barreling across the yard. “Hi Daryl! Can I have my quarter?” She sticks out her tiny hand as she looks up at him, pigtails disheveled and ketchup on her chin, Winnie-the-Pooh clutched in her other hand.
Daryl snickers as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a quarter and sticks it in her outstretched hand. “I got three quarters today while they were making my swing set, plus I got two in my room already. Is that enough for a new book?”
“Probably not, kid.”
“Didja wanna give me another one?”
“Emma Kate, stop hounding people for money and go let your momma wash your face.” Daryl hadn't even noticed the old man making his way toward them, until he heard him speak. The man swats the kid on the bottom as she runs past him and then turns to Daryl. “Hershel Greene,” he says holding out his hand. Daryl thinks he has shook more hands since the new neighbors moved in than he has in a year. “Just wanted to return your drill.”
“Daryl Dixon.” He moves to take the drill, thinking Hershel will walk away now, but he turns to stand beside Daryl and face the yard next door.
“You know Bethy and Em have lived with me and my wife ever since she was born. When she told us she was moving here, I don't think my wife slept for a week, she was so worried. Beth has always been the trusting sort, never met a stranger in her life. And that girl of hers is the same way. It would certainly give us a spot of comfort to know that she's got somebody nearby she could call on should the need arise. And who would keep on eye on Beth and Em in our stead.”
Daryl turned his head to look at Hershel who continued to watch his family across the way. He was the guy fathers generally warned away from their daughters, not asked him to watch out for them. “'Course it would also help me out if we could keep this conversation between us.” Hershel turned to Daryl and put his hand out again. Daryl looked the man in the eye and nodded as he took his hand.
And just like that, apparently he was responsible for the girl next door and her precocious kid.
**********
The next morning, there is a knock on Daryl's door as he is drinking his coffee. He opens it to find the kid staring up at him. He leans against the door frame and crosses his arms over his chest, “You lost again, kid?”
“Why are you always asking me that? Come push me on my new swing!” She grabs the leg of his pants and starts pulling.
“Where's your mom?”
“It's her bath time but I already took a bath last night and now I wanna swing!” She's grunting with the effort of trying to pull Daryl toward her yard.
“You 'posed to be outside by yourself?” She stops yanking and huffs.
“Why won't you play with me? I need to be pushed on my swing so I can go high! Come on!”
“A'right.” Daryl gives in and follows the kid across to her swing set. He watches for a minute as she struggles to climb into the swing. She finally turns to glare at him like it's his fault that she not big enough to get in on her own.
“Help me do it!” He smirks, picking her up and placing her in the swing before circling behind her to give a push. “Higher!” He pushes a little harder and watches her gain some altitude. “Higher!” She seems to be holding on okay, but Daryl doesn't want the kid to go flying off so he just gives her another little push. “Stop it!”
He rushes forward to grab the chain and bring it to a stop before she clamors out. “What's the matter?” His heart is pounding; did she get her hand caught in the chain? Did she just get scared?
“Slide! Catch me!” She runs toward the ladder and he makes his way toward the bottom of the slide.
“Jeez girl, give a man a damn heart attack.”
“Quarter!” she yells, throwing her arms in the air before shoving herself down the slide. He catches her at the bottom and sets her on her feet. “Momma, did you see?” He turns to see Beth coming out the door in bathrobe with her hair in a towel.
“Emma, I told you to stay inside!” she chides as she makes her way across the yard toward them. “Sorry, I told her to wait for me to get out of shower and then we'd play, but as usual she's short on patience and long on energy.”
“It ain't a bother.”
“Daryl! I wanna swing again!” For reasons Daryl doesn't understand, the kid is running in circles around them before heading back to the swing.
“Emma Kate, Daryl probably has things he needs to do today.”
“I don't mind.” he tells her as he makes his way behind the swing.
“It's okay, Momma. Daryl thought that I was lost, but I knowed where I was and I knowed where he was and we were together. And now we're swinging.” Daryl had no idea what the kid was trying to say, but he watched Beth give her a soft smile.
“That's good baby girl, but you need to listen to me when I tell you to stay put.” She turns to look at Daryl. “You sure you're alright with her?” Daryl just nods. “Okay, well I'm going to go get dressed. You listen to Daryl, Em.”
Thirty minutes later Daryl heads home, muddy hand prints all over his pants because the kid was determined to find a real live worm, sure that nothing else he does that day will live up to the fun he just had with a four year old.
**********
“Hi Daryl! Momma, its Daryl!”
“I heard sweetie. Hey Daryl, come on in.”
Daryl had never been in her house and it feels awkward. She is looking at him with a big smile and he doesn't know what to do with that so he looks at the kid instead. “Hey kid.”
“Are you here to see my room?”
He looks up at Beth. “Actually I wanted to bring you these; they're locks that go at the top of the doors to keep her from getting' out.”
“Oh. I'm sorry she's been botherin' you-”
“It ain't a bother. But I ain't always home. Or what if she didn't come to me, you know.”
“Oh, that's real sweet. Thank you.”
“It's nothin'. Your guy could probably put them up, no problem.” God, he sounds like a moron. Or a teenager with his first crush.
“I don't have a 'guy', but I'm sure my daddy or Shawn could do it for me.”
“I thought Shawn . . .”
Beth threw her head back and laughed. Daryl's torn between embarrassment that she is laughing at him and amazement at watching her. “No, no. Shawn's my brother.”
“Well, I don't mind puttin' 'em up for you. Could do it right now.”
“Really? I would appreciate that so much! And I hope you don't mind, but later when my Daddy sees them, I plan to take full credit. He thinks I can't take care of myself.”
Daryl gave her a little smile and goes home to get his tools. The kid watches as he installs the locks on the front, back and garage door while Beth makes spaghetti for dinner. Afterward, he sits and eats dinner with them. Daryl has never been to a real family dinner, but he imagines that this is what if feels like.
**********
"I wish I were there to be doing it, too.”
When Daryl pulls in the driveway after work early one Friday evening, Emma Kate is waiting for him. “Hi Daryl!”
“Hey kid.”
“What are you doin'?”
“”Bout to eat dinner. What are you doin'?”
“Can I eat dinner with you?
“Emma Kate! You already had dinner. Leave poor Daryl alone.” He looks up to find Beth sitting on the small patio behind her house, watching them. She waves at him and he waves back before looking back to the kid.
“What are you doin' after you eat dinner?”
“Emma Kate!” She huffs and looks back to her mom.
“Momma! I just wanna have fun with Daryl and I'm trying to let him pick!”
Daryl snickers and reaches out to ruffle her hair. When she turns to look at him, he kneels down in front of her. “How 'bout you go ask your mom if we can go get some ice cream?”
She turns and takes off toward Beth with her arms spread wide. “Momma, can I go get ice cream with Daryl?”
“Oh, ice cream, huh? You mind if I come with ya'll?”
The little girl crosses her arms and glares at Beth. “Okay, but I don't wanna play with you right now, I wanna play with Daryl. And if we haveta cross the street, I wanna hold Daryl's hand.”
Beth seems to think on it for a few seconds before reaching out to shake Em's hand. “Your terms are acceptable.” She winks at Daryl before turning to go into the house. “Let me just grab my purse.”
**********
"There there," said Piglet. "I’ll bring you tea and honey until you do.”
Two months and eight dinners later (not that Daryl is counting) Beth knocks on his door one Saturday morning. “Good mornin'.”
“Good mornin' Daryl!” She has a huge, fake smile on her face and he is immediately suspicious. “I have favor to ask.” Name it, he thought. “There was a big wreck out on the highway and they asked a couple of us nurses to come in for a few hours. Could you watch Em for me? If you can't, its fine. I can call Maggie and she can probably meet me there and take her back to the farm for a few hours-”
“Beth, it's fine. I'll hang out with the kid for a bit. No worries.”
“Great! Thank you so much! She's been a little sick for a few days. Nothing contagious, just an ear infection so she should be pretty mellow.”
Daryl grabs his keys and phone, locking up behind him before following Beth to her house. The kid was bundled on the couch like a burrito watching some cartoon with dancing vegetables. He walked around the front of the couch to see her face and she looks pitiful. She reaches up her hands and he lifts her from the couch, burrito bundle and all. She lays her head on his shoulder and mumbles into his neck, “Hi Daryl.”
He rubs her back and sways a little. “Hey, girl. Not feelin' so hot, huh?”
“My ear hurts.”
Beth came to stand beside him and brushes Emma Kate's hair on from her face. “Baby girl, Momma's gotta go, okay? Daryl's gonna stay with you for a little bit and I'll bring home some juice for you and we'll cuddle up and watch Frozen again, sound good?” Daryl felt the kid nod against his shoulder and felt Beth lean in and brush a kiss against her cheek. She pulls back and looks up at Daryl. “I'd rather leave you my car with the seat in it, you mind if I take your truck?”
He took the keys from his pocket, spinning them around to indicate the one she needs. “Can you drive stick?”
Beth gives him a smirk before taking the keys. “I grew up on a farm; believe me, I know all about driving stick.” She smiles at him and walks towards the door.
“Be careful, it sticks in second.”
Daryl and the kid spend the day being lazy, playing Candyland, watching an episode of The Wiggles, which scars Daryl for life. When he goes to put her down for a nap, she asks him to read her a book. She picks one up from a pile on the nightstand and crawls up in the bed before reaching for his hand to pull him down beside her. “Read this one.” Daryl takes the book and flips it over seeing the title for the first time. The Complete Tales of Winnie-the-Pooh.
For a second Daryl can't breathe. Emma Kate grabs her Winnie-the-Pooh and curls up beside him, laying her head against his hip. He sucks in a deep breath and looks down at her face. “Read the one about the woozle.”
He opens the book and flips to the right page before clearing his throat. “The Piglet lived in a very grand house in the middle of a beech-tree, and the beech-tree was in the middle of the forest, and the Piglet lived in the middle of the house. Next to his house was a piece of broken board which had: 'TRESPASSERS W' on it. When Christopher Robin asked the Piglet what it meant, he said it was his grandfather's name, and had been in the family for a long time.”
The kid falls asleep before the end of the second page and Daryl flips around in the book, lost in his own memories. He feels her shift, snuggling further into his side and reaches down to rub lightly on her back. He brushes her hair out of her face and watches her sleep. He wonders how anyone could ever look at her and strike out in anger. Daryl can't stand to see her hurt, much less ever be the cause of it. He thinks of his father and the rage that was in him, he knows he has seen that same rage in himself. He has never hit someone who hasn't hit him first, but he worries that he would. Worries that after 24/7 with the kid he would be different, meaner. He thinks of his mother and how she passively stood by, can't imagine Beth ever being like about Emma Kate. He imagines she would be like a Mama Bear protecting her cub. Maybe she would be strong enough to keep the meanness at bay?
**********
“Hey yourself,” she whispers and motions toward the hall. He follows her out to the living room and starts cleaning up the pillow fort they had made earlier. “Oh don't mind that. We'll use it later to have a movie night. How'd she do?”
“She's alright. Just seems tired, but she never had a fever that I could tell. I'll get outta your hair.” He heads toward the back door, but she reaches out to grab his arm as he walks past.
“No, stay for dinner. It's the least I can do 'cause I know you won't take any money.” She smiles at him as he shakes his head. “C'mon, you can hang out in the kitchen with me. I thought we'd go gourmet with fish sticks and mac and cheese.” He takes a seat at the counter as she starts pulling stuff out of cabinets. “So, Daryl Dixon. We've never really had a chance to talk without little ears around. Tell me about yourself.”
“Ain't nothing to tell.”
“Oh, I'm sure that's not true. What about your family? Ya'll from around here?”
Daryl watches her for a few seconds, wondering how much to say. Wondering if he even can say it. “Grew up in small town, 'bout an hour from here. My parents are gone, but I got an older brother, Merle.”
“Yeah? Are you close?”
“Used to be, when we were younger. He's . . . he's in jail right now. Drugs.” He looks down at the counter, running his thumb along the edge. “I guess you could say it ain't all been sunshine and puppies.”
“Well, I'm sorry to hear that. But regardless of how it happened, I'm glad you're here now. With us.” He wonders if she does that on purposes, glosses over the ugly parts like there aren't as devastating as he feels.
Emma Kate picks that moment to wander into the kitchen saving Daryl from a response. She walks straight to him and sticks her arms up. He picks her up, sets her on his knee and she cuddles into his chest. He runs his fingers through her hair and kisses the top of her hair. “You feel better?” She just nods and Daryl lays his head on top hers, listening to Beth move around the kitchen. He closes his eyes and wants. He wants this, a family. This family. Could he ever be enough to deserve this?
**********
It may simply be that he has a small piece of fluff in his ear.”
Quicker than Daryl realizes, the summer is almost over and it's time for Emma Kate's fifth birthday party. She's having a Winnie-the-Pooh party (obviously) as she has had for the last three years. Beth says she's surprised the kid's obsession has lasted this long, but secretly Daryl gets it, likes that they share this.
Em's been talking about this birthday for a couple of weeks and she's been wearing that princess crown since Beth gave it to her on her actual birthday three days ago. Apparently it's a Greene family tradition that the birthday girl gets pancakes for breakfast and this year Daryl had been invited. He had sat across from Beth and watched as she smiled at her daughter with her pink glitter crown, face covered in syrup. Times like that, Daryl thought that maybe it would have been better if he had never met these girls. He keeps catching himself falling into delusions wherein he imagines this is real, they are real. That this could actually be his one day.
Standing here in her backyard decorated with streamers and balloons, with all Beth's family, it becomes crystal clear that he does not belong here. He needs to go. He should just slip away before someone notices him and starts questioning what he thinks he's doing here, acting like one of them. Beth and her sister are over by the grill chatting with her father and he thinks they are suitably distracted so that he can start making his way toward his own house. Just then, he feels a weight fall against his leg and small arms wrap around his knee. He looks down at her bright, smiling face as she giggles up at him. “I was in the bouncy castle! Did you see? I was bouncin' so high!”
“Daryl?” He turns towards Hershel, surprised that he would ask for his attention. “You mind taking over the grill for me? I need to go help Annette with the cake.”
“Cake!” Emma Kate screams as she takes off back to the bouncy house.
Daryl makes his way over to the grill and takes the tongs from Hershel. He pats Daryl on the shoulder as he walks away and it's everything he can do not to flinch in response. He's just flipping some hot dogs over when he hears someone clear their throat. He looks up to see Beth's sister on the other side of the grill. “So you're the famous Daryl, huh?”
“Don't know about the famous part, but Daryl's accurate enough.”
“Oh trust me, with as much as Emma Kate talks aboutcha, you're famous among the Greene family. Every time I talk to her it's 'Daryl this' and ' Daryl that'. And Beth's no better.” Daryl keeps staring at the grill. “If Em thinks you hung the moon, then Beth thinks you hung the sun and stars.” Daryl has to look up at her face then, to see if this was her idea of a joke. But she's looking him straight in the eye. He knows his face is bright red and his chest feels tight like he can't catch his breath. “I'm Maggie, don't think we've officially met.” She holds out her hand and he moves the tongs to his left to shake it with his right. He looks back down, moving things on the grill.
“It ain't like that with Beth and me.”
“Well it ain't for lacking of trying on her part, believe me.” His eyes seek Beth across the yard and she's looking at him. He stares at her, sure he probably looks like a crazy person, but she just gives him a soft smile and looks down, checks slightly rosy. “Beth's special, sweet; always has been. Don't hurt her, Daryl.” She gives Daryl a meaningful look and walks off toward her husband. He just looks back down at the grill, mind racing. He should walk away now, he's already in too deep.
He kind of hates Maggie in that moment for the hope that she plants. Realistically, he knows it can't work on principle. He never gets the real things he wants, the things that matter. He'll end up hurting Beth anyway and destroying himself in the process. Not to mention what would happen to the kid. She'd likely feel abandoned and Daryl knows what that does to a person, how it hardens them.
He chooses to ignore all of it. If he can just keep things how they are now. He gets some of Beth and some of Emma Kate in his life. He knows from experience what happens when you get greedy, when you hold something too hard. You always end up breaking it.
**********
it could hold a rather large amount of Gratitude.”
As everyone is finishing lunch, Daryl makes his way into Beth's kitchen to empty the cooler and grab some more ice. He turns when he hears the back door close and sees Emma Kate walking toward him, holding the gift he had placed on the table outside with the others. “Is this from you?”
He grabs a dish towel and wipes his hands as he turns and leans back on the counter. “Yep.”
“Can we open it together?” He takes her hand and leads her to the kitchen table, sitting in a chair before pulling her onto his lap. She tears off the pink wrapping paper he bought just for her, revealing the set of Winnie-the-Pooh books. “New Pooh stories?”
“Some of 'em. Some you got already.” He pauses and takes a breath. “My momma used to read them to me when I was your age.”
“Did your momma haveta go away?” Daryl swallows and nods. “Can these be our special books? And we can read 'em together?” Daryl nods again and the kid turns in his hold to wrap her tiny arms around his neck. He closes his eyes and hugs her, thinking that he might just be best friends with a five year old girl.
**********
Two weeks later, Daryl finds himself standing in a hallway outside Ms. Fisher's kindergarten class with a Beth who has been on the verge of tears for half an hour and an Emma Kate who is clearly ready to own this school thing. Beth kneels down in front of the kid, straightening her sweater and pushing her hair behind her ear. “You're going to have lots of fun and meet new kids. Remember Ms. Fisher from last week? She's really nice and you let her know if you have any problems. I'll be right here after school, okay? And we can go get some ice cream and talk about all the things you did.”
Emma Kate puts her little hands on Beth's cheeks, playing with her face, clearly unfazed by any of this. “Can Daryl come too?”
Beth looks up at Daryl who nods his head. “Sure, Daryl can come too.” She leans forward to kiss Em's forehead and stands, taking a deep breath.
The kids turns to Daryl and sticks her hand out which Daryl promptly shakes. “Ma'am. You got this. No worries, right?”
“Nope! Bye!” She turns and runs into the classroom and doesn't even look back. Beth reaches down and takes Daryl's hand, just watching Emma Kate talking to the other kids. When the first tear rolls down Beth's cheek, he knows it's time to go. He starts to walk away gently tugging her by their joined hands. They make their way through the school and out to the parking lot, stopping beside her car. By the time he turns to look at her, she has tears streaming down her face. He has no idea what to do now.
She drop his hand and wipes her face, shaking her head with a deprecating chuckle. “I don't know what's wrong with me! I did not think I would be like this, one of those crazy parents! She just looks like a tiny adult and this is the beginning of the end, you know? First elementary school, then middle school, then high school and then she's gone!”
Daryl goes with his gut and reaches out to pull Beth to his chest. “Damn girl, slow down. The kid can't even reach the juice in the refrigerator yet. She ain't ready to move to Europe and never call.” She wraps her arms around his waist and sighs. He gives her a minute to compose herself and then pulls back. “You good?”
She takes a deep breath and wipes her face again. “Yeah, I think so.” Another deep breath. “Yeah, I'm good. You wanna meet us at The Sweet Shop this afternoon, say 3:00?” He nods and turns to walk to his truck, hoping everything he is feeling isn't splayed across his face. If anyone had told Daryl six months ago, that he'd be standing in a parking lot outside an elementary school, hugging a beautiful woman, whose kid he adored he would've called them crazy. He finds himself waiting for the other shoe to drop.
**********
You have to go them sometimes.”
That night Daryl is lounging on the couch, watching Die Hard on TV for the millionth time when there's a knock at his door. His heart jumps in to his throat, because someone at your door at 10:00 at night can never be a good thing, right? He rushes over and yanks it open to Beth on the other side. "What's the matter?"
She looks surprised. "What? Oh, nothing. I know it's late, but I wanted to ask you somethin' before I lost my nerve." He leans on the doorway and stares at her. She's blushing which Daryl secretly thinks is adorable. "Well, I wondered if you wanted to have dinner tomorrow night?"
"Probably. I generally do want to have dinner most nights."
"Oh, I was- what I mean to say is, I thought that maybe-" She's so easy to rile and Daryl feels himself start to grin. She notices immediately and slaps him on the arm. "Daryl Dixon, I'm tryin' to ask you on a date! Why are you givin' me a hard time?"
He knew what she was getting at, but her saying it out loud sobers him up real fast. He looks down at the floor for a breath and then peers up at her from beneath his hair. "You think that's a good idea?"
"I think it's a great idea. The best I ever had, maybe." She doesn't even hesitate, seems so sure about it, about him. Is it normal for someone else to have so much faith in you when you never really had any in yourself? Is that how relationships work for everyone else? He has no idea, no experience, nothing to fall back on here. He feels like he's lost. So he makes a decision.
"Well if you think it's a good idea, who am I to say otherwise?"
**********
He gets home around lunchtime to find the girls (his girls?) on lawn chairs on their back patio, Beth wearing a pair of aviators and Emma Kate wearing the pair of giant lime green novelty sunglasses Maggie gave her for her birthday. They both have their bare feet crossed at the ankle, and arms crossed behind their heads. Daryl sneaks a picture with his phone before going to pull things out of the truck, drawing their attention. "Hi Daryl! We're doing sweet tea and sunshine like ladies. So you have to stay home I guess."
Beth smiles at him and shrugs as if the decision is out of her hands. "Guess I'll go do some man things then."
Emma Kate sits straight up on her chair and shrieks. "Daryl!" She climbs out of the chair and comes running across the yards toward him, trying to hold the giant sunglasses in place. "Are you going to find more frogs?"
"Girl, I told you; that frog found me. And if another one does, you'll be the first person I call." She seems satisfied with that and takes off back to her mom. Daryl heads inside some of the nervousness disappearing but he's not sure why.
**********
and then suddenly I wasn't anymore.”
Daryl takes Beth to play miniature golf for their first date and she's so bad at it. He assumes she's never done it before because it takes her almost a dozen strokes to sink the first hole. After they've finished the course, she tells him that her family played mini golf all the time growing up, she just seemed to get worse at it. For some reason, he finds this hilarious and he knows she can tell. She narrows her eyes and challenges him to the batting cages where he gets his ass kicked. He's strangely alright with that.
It's nine o'clock by the time they get to the restaurant somehow they're are still there talking, laughing when the place starts closing at midnight. The ride home is spent in companionable silence, with Beth singing along to the radio. She reaches over to take his hand and he feels a buzzing under his skin at the touch. For the first time since he can remember he feels hopeful. It feels like a beginning.
**********
In two weeks Emma Kate is having a grandparents weekend and staying at the farm. Daryl loves hanging out with the kid, but he can't wait.
**********
Daryl slowly makes his way around the room examining everything. He can see the girls he knows (loves?) in every photo, every keepsake and he's absorbing all the parts he missed. Little girl Beth missing two front tooth and riding piggyback with her big brother looking so much like Em. High school Beth sitting on a horse in a fancy dress with a sash proclaiming her 'Ms. Senoia Sweetheart'. Beth holding the kid in a fat little pumpkin costume that she seems to hate based on how she looks to be screaming in the photo. Beth at college with her arm around some guy. He picks that one up and turns to show her the picture. She just nods, because she knows what he's asking. He studies the photo for a moment, trying to see any of this person in the kid he knows so well. In the end he gives up, but he lays the frame face down on the dresser, just out of spite.
He offers to help Hershel with a tractor that has been giving him trouble feeling a bit like a kid wanting to show off a report card, hoping to impress. They spend an hour passing tools back and forth and talking mechanics. Hershel calls him 'son' twice in passing and pats his shoulder thanking him for the help when they are done. Later, in the dark of his own bedroom when he can't sleep he thinks of Hershel and Annette. He wonders what kind of man he would have become growing up in that big farm house full of love and laughter instead of his own rundown mobile home full of anger and regret. Can't help but be a little bit grateful all the same 'cause it brought him here. To Beth, to Emma Kate. To his girls.
**********
Christmas Eve is also the night Beth tells Daryl she loves him for the first time. It's after midnight and he's elbow deep in pale pink plastic trying to figure out how L17 is supposed to fit into M12 to create what is apparently the most integral piece of this whole god damn dollhouse, when he hears Beth walk up behind him. She sets a cup of coffee on the table at his elbow and leans down the kiss the top of his head, whispering "I love you" before standing up and heading back to the dining room to finish up some last minute wrapping. He just turns and watches her leave the room, slack jawed in surprise.
Daryl knows he loves her, has known for a while. He thinks it's ironic that this, the way she says it to him for the first time is why he loves her. While he has told her some about his life and she has seen the scars, she doesn't know all if it and she never pushes. She just knows him enough to know that it's best to whisper the truth of it to him and leave him to absorb it. While Daryl is quick with the smart ass comments, he's a thinker when it comes to the important things. And this? This family he wants to be a part of? This is the most important thing he's ever done.
It should be surprising, but in the best kind of way it's not at all, that by the time he's finished with the dollhouse, he feels a sense of peace and he's excited to seek Beth out. He finds her at the dining room table still, putting a bow on a huge box covered in wrapping paper that is decorated with tiny commodes (another Greene family tradition, finding the tackiest wrapping paper). He wraps his arms around her waist and drops his chin to her shoulder. "I love you." He hasn't said that to another person since he was seven years old. It feels nice.
**********
When his big freak out happens, it is (predictably) about Valentine's Day. The day never even occurred to him until he happens to see a store aisle full of red and pink shit and he realizes it's a week away. Does she want jewelry? Does she want to eat at a fancy restaurant? Is he supposed to figure out what to do with the kid? Is she expecting something big, like a proposal? Isn't that the kind of romantic bullshit that girls love? This is why he's never done whole relationship thing (that's not the real reason). He's no good at this lovey crap (he wants to be, he just doesn't know how). It’s on a Saturday this year, so he probably couldn't get reservations or a sitter even if he wanted. What does she expect from him?
Beth spends two days asking him if he's okay and she looks hurt every time he brushes her off. Wednesday after dinner when he would normally just stay and hang out with them, he starts making excuses, saying he needs to leave. It's all falling apart around him and he can't be here; being here is just making it worse. After he says goodnight to the kid, Beth follows him to the door. She grabs him by the shoulder and turns him around, putting her hands on either side of his head she makes him look at her. "Hey. Whatever's goin' on, I love you, okay?"
He stares at her a minute before he nods and leans down to kiss her forehead before turning to leave. He hasn't been home for half an hour when he realizes he's being a dumbass. It's Beth. He knows Beth. He loves Beth. And she hasn't said anything to make him believe that she is expecting any of this. He's always been his own worst enemy.
The next morning, he goes over when he knows Beth will be up. She's making breakfast for the kid who's still asleep. He leans against the counter beside her while she makes oatmeal, just staring at her. "So I was thinkin' I could take you and the kid to the zoo on Saturday? You know, just spend the day?"
She sets the pot off the stove eye and flips off the heat before turning to look at him. She has tears in her eyes, but a huge smile on her face. "That'd be perfect." She wraps her arms around his waist and leans against his chest. He wraps his arms around her in return and rests his chin on her head. He takes a shaky breath like maybe he could cry himself. It all seems so stupid. As long as she's game, he's just going to stand here and keep holding her until he feels less like a idiot.
They stand there until Emma Kate wanders in and see what's happening and decides to barrel forward clutching their knees and yelling "Group hug!"
**********
however big Tigger seems to be, remember that he wants as much kindness as Roo.”
Two weeks after the Valentine's debacle, he comes home after working late and heads straight to Beth's. He walks in without knocking to find Beth and Emma Kate sitting at the kitchen table eating pizza. With Merle. Who's wearing a tiara. Well to be fair, they are all wearing tiaras, but still. Merle, his gruff good-ol-boy older brother who is apparently out of prison is wearing a tiara and sitting at Beth's kitchen table.
"Hey little brother! Your lovely lady friend here took pity on ol Merle sitting on your front porch for hours and invited me to dinner." Merle comes around the table and grabs Daryl in a hug and he can see Beth has a soft smile on her face.
Em runs up to him wanting him to pick her up, clearly so she can put the tiara in her hand on Daryl's head. "We found a man on your porch when we came home from Ms. Carol's house. Momma invited him over and we ordered pizza and he was your big brother!" For some reason Daryl is still at a loss for words. It's as if two worlds are colliding and he has no idea if this is going to work.
Thankfully, Beth takes charge. "Em, stop bouncin' around and get back in your chair. Boys, you wanna have a seat? Eat some pizza?"
"Fine. But Daryl needs to wear the tiara so it can be a princess pizza party!"
"Yeah, come on, Darylina, put on the tiara."
Maybe she picks up on the mocking tone in his voice, but the kid narrows her eyes at Merle. "Be nice to Daryl. Momma loves him."
Beth's cheeks go pink. "Em-"
"My apologies miss." He slides the tiara over the Daryl. "Can you please join us in a princess pizza party, little brother."
The atmosphere still feels tense and Daryl hates it, refuses to add fuel to the fire. He picks up the tiara and shines it on his shirt before carefully placing it on his head. He looks straight at Merle, "I make this look good."
Merle laughs and slaps his hand against the table. "That you do, brother! Man, it's good to be home." Daryl meets Beth eyes and gives her a small smile which she returns tenfold 'cause she's Beth. Later, he'll thank her for inviting Merle in and apologize for his attitude. For now, he just sits and enjoys pizza with his girls and his big brother.
**********
So today is my new favorite day.”
It's May in Georgia and for the first time since he can remember Daryl is excited that the summer heat is upon them. From May to August the county road commission works four ten hour shifts due to the longer days and is closed on Friday when traffic is heaviest to lessen the construction tie ups. Today is the kid's last day of kindergarten and next week she starts going to Ms. Carol's down the street all day instead of just after school. Except for Fridays. Fridays have been designated 'Daryl Dixon Day' (clearly not his choice) for him and the kid to hang out and do whatever they please. He wants to teach her how to fish and how to play mini golf on the sly so she can shock Beth the first time they go together. She wants to go to the park and Chuck E. Cheese, which Daryl is secretly also fine with.
In honor of the last day of school, Beth took off of work and Daryl took a half day. He knows that Em got out of school at ten that morning (which was ridiculous if you ask him) so he expects them to be home when he gets there. What he does not expect is for Merle to be running through the sprinkler with the kid wearing nothing but a pair of wet boxer briefs while Beth sits on the patio averting her eyes. He walks over to where she sits with everything ready for him to grill. "What the fuck is happenin' out there?"
She stands up, putting her back to the scene in the yard and pins Daryl with a serious expression. "I have no idea. I was gettin' the food ready and there was talk of sprinklers and then talk of bathin' suits and now the backyard has turned into some weird redneck porno! Go do somethin' before she starts askin' questions!" Daryl can't help it; he immediately starts laughing. Beth lets out a giggle too, but she manages to turn and push Daryl towards the yard. "We can laugh later, go stop the emotional scarrin' now!"
Daryl starts toward the sprinkler yelling "Hey, hooligan!" He starts laughing all over again when they both stop to look at him. "Go let your momma dry you off, we're gonna eat soon."
Instead she runs straight to him screaming at the top of her lungs, "Tomorrow is Daryl Dixon Day!" Daryl doesn't have the heart to reject her now, so he scoops her up and plants kisses all over her face, making her laugh and getting his shirt soaked in the process. Then he sets her down and pushes her towards Beth.
When he turns back to the sprinkler, Merle is standing there with his hands on his hips as if he doesn't have a care in the world. "You a holiday now, little brother?"
Daryl smirks at him. "You're hilarious. Can you go put some clothes on please? You trying to get arrested again?" Merle just looks down like he doesn't get what's wrong with what he has on right now. Daryl turns to head back to the house, thinking that if his biggest problem is his pseudo-daughter asking awkward questions about his brother's junk, he's actually pretty lucky. He's not going to tell Beth that though.
**********
It's late June when everything implodes. He should have expected it, should have known it was coming. Nothing ever works for him, right? There was no way he could have hoped to keep Beth and Emma Kate.
It wasn't that he and Beth hadn't fought before. They'd had disagreements, had to make compromises, but never like this. He knows it's his fault. Merle's being staying with him since he was released and it was working pretty well since Daryl was rarely there anyway. But then Merle wrecked his bike one morning and was fired when he didn't show up for work. Merle was pissed at life and acting like an asshole so Daryl went to Beth's but it was too late, Merle's attitude had already contaminated him.
He could feel it boiling under his skin all through dinner as he sat silently, avoiding the looks Beth keeps shooting him. He answers their questions with non-committal grunts. He's getting annoyed with their blabbering. After dinner they are carrying the dishes over to the sink when Emma Kate drops her plate and it shatters as it hits the floor.
“What did you do?”
She already had tears in her eyes. “I didn't mean to.”
“Well, clean it up. You think you can just go around breaking things?”
Beth has gone over to Em and her head jerks up at Daryl as he's talking. “Daryl!”
“What? She has to grow up and learn she can't just be a spoiled little princess.”
By the time the words are out of his mouth, Beth is standing inches from him and when she speaks her voice is a whisper of steel. “Stop talking. She is five years old.”
“So? She's just acting like a baby because-”
“Get out of my house.”
“What?”
“Get out.”
He walks away and doesn't look back.
**********
When he comes out of his stupor, he goes to work. He gets through the day and then goes back to the cheap motel where he drinks and wallows on a smaller scale so he can get up and do it all again tomorrow. It lasts that way for almost two weeks before Merle tracks him down. “What the hell you doin here?”
“I could ask you the same thing, little brother. Beth came over last week, told me what happened. I know what you're thinking, but you ain't him.”
“Sure I am. The apple never falls far from the tree, right? I was stupid to think it would work.”
“Brother, you are being stupid right now. That woman loves you and that kid thinks the sun shines out your ass.” Daryl cringes at the mention of Emma Kate, can't stop seeing her face in his head.
“It won't work. I destroy everything just like he did. I ain't gonna put Beth and the kid through that. I can't.” He looks up at Merle, eyes pleading with him to understand.
Merle sighs. “Alright brother, I ain't gonna tell her where you're at. But for what it's worth, I think this is a mistake.”
**********
Hershel doesn't speak again until they are seated at the diner around the corner, each with a cup of black coffee. “Bethy told me about your fight.”
Daryl stared down at his cup, couldn't look him in the eye while he spoke. “Wasn't really a fight, I just attacked the kid.”
“Did Beth ever tell you about my first wife?” Daryl shakes his head. “She died when Maggie was four. She slipped, fell down the stairs and broke her neck." He stops and sighs. "I don't think there are words to describe the pain that you go through when you lose someone who is that vital to your life.”
Daryl silently agrees. Hershel takes a drink before continuing, “I lost myself after that. Started drinking, only at night at first after Maggie was asleep, when the pain and loneliness were the worst. But I couldn't control it and it got the better of me. Before I knew it, I was drinkin' all the time, completely neglectin' my daughter. I don't even remember what started it, but one night I was standin' above my little girl, yellin' that it was her fault her mother had died. That she shouldn't have left those toys on the stairs.” Hershel stops and swallows, seemingly trying to regain his composure. Then he looks up, meeting Daryl's eyes. “Then I slapped her. Hard as I could, right across her face.” He has tears in his eyes, but he continues speaking. “She went flyin' across the room and crumpled into this ball, cryin' these gut wrenching sobs.”
Daryl can hardly believe what Hershel is saying. He had thought the Greenes were the perfect family, Hershel their stalwart leader.
“Listenin' to my child cry out, knowin' it was my fault? Well that pain might have been worse than the loss of my wife. I picked her up and just held her all night. Annette lived down the street and watched kids during the day to help make ends meet after losing her own husband. Once I was widowed, she offered to watch Maggie during the day for me and I knew she was a kind, Christian woman. So I packed a bag of Maggie's things and took her there. When she opened the door and saw that child's face, I thought she was gonna take my head off. She told me this was my one chance and I'd better not waste it. She kept Maggie for a week while I sobered up and I haven't had a drink since.”
“Alcoholism and anger, I come by those honestly. My father was a mean drunk who hurt everyone around him. I left that farm at sixteen and didn't return until that man was in the ground. And I don't regret a single second of my life not spent in his presence. So I recognized me in you the day we met. But whatever your father did to you or said, you still became a good man Daryl.” Daryl scoffs. “I know you are 'cause my Bethy loves you. She's is an amazing young woman and she would never fall in love with someone and trust that someone with her child unless he was worthy.”
“So now it's time man up. Admit your mistake, make it up to those girls and do everything in your power to never do it again.”
Daryl sits staring at the table and Hershel just gives him time. He wants to believe Hershel, that he is not destined to be his father. He's scared to death.
“How do I face her? Or the kid? I can't see that fear in their eyes. Or the hate.”
“You have to prove yourself. Be the man I know you are. The man Beth knows.”
**********
He stands as she approaches, expecting her to stop but she doesn't. She just barrels into him and wraps her arms around his neck. He just grabs her and holds on, closing his eyes he feels a tear run down his cheek. He can tell she's crying too and he thinks they probably look like crazy people but he doesn't care. “I'm sorry, Beth. I'm so sorry.”
“We'll work it out. I missed you.”
“I missed you too. And the kid. Felt like I was missing a limb.” He actually finds it easier to say things like this, holding her. He doesn't know what comes next, so he lets her take the lead and just stands there, clutching her small body to him.
She pulls away, reaches down and takes his hand. “Come on, let's go home.”
**********
When they get to Beth's, Emma Kate is in her room with Sophia. Beth tells Daryl to go on in, clearly giving him the space to talk with the kid on his own and he's grateful. He thanks Sophia and tells her that Beth will take her home. Em hasn't even looked at him.
“Hey kid.”
“Hi.”
“Can I sit down with you?” She just shrugs. He sits down across from her on the floor where she has Legos spread out. He can see she's got her stuffed Winnie-the-Pooh beside her that she only carries around now when she's sick or upset. The sight of it makes him feel even worse. “I'm sorry I yelled at you. You were right, it was just an accident. I shoulda never said those things to you."
She finally looks up at him. “I'm sorry I made you go away.”
That's his breaking point. He reaches over and pulls her into his lap. “That wasn't your fault either. None of it was.” He sighs. “When you're a kid it seems like the adults should have all their stuff together. But they make mistakes too. And it hurts and makes you feel bad.” He lays his head on top of hers. “I'm so sorry I made you feel bad, Emma Kate.”
They sit together for a few minutes, neither saying anything. He runs his fingers through her hair and she plays with the buttons on his shirt. “You missed two Daryl Dixon Days.”
He kisses the top of her head. “I'll make it up you. I promise.”
**********
He takes his girls camping over the Labor Day weekend and it actually goes better than expected. They go fishing, track some animals and make s'mores. Beth teaches the kid some campfire songs and they sleep in a big tent together, with Emma Kate curled up between them. He thinks of the camping trips he took as a kid and how this one was the kind he was always hoping for.
For Halloween the kid dresses as Anna from that Frozen movie she has watched a million times. He and Beth dress as Kristoff and Elsa. This goes a long way in easing his guilt. When they take Em out trick or treating, he inevitably runs into some guys he knows from the shop or around town. He always feels a little awkward introducing Beth and the kid, not because he's embarrassed of them but because it seems so hollow to refer to Beth as 'his girlfriend' the same way a twelve year old kid would. Or to just call Emma Kate his 'girlfriend's kid' when last week he sat up for hours with her when she had the stomach bug and Beth had to work the next day, holding her hair when she couldn't keep anything down and rubbing her stomach when she was finally able to try and sleep. Fuck it, he thinks. When Mr. Anderson from the hardware store happens to be the next door the kid knocks on, Daryl just greets him like normal and says "These are my girls, Beth and Emma Kate." Let the old man think whatever he wants. That night while Beth and Em sort through her haul he thinks about other ways to refer to them, thinks of 'wife' and 'daughter' and how he really needs to make this thing permanent.
For Thanksgiving they are back at the farm, Merle included. There in her old bedroom, surrounded by pictures of the parts of her life he missed, he pulls out the ring he bought back in May. He's tired of missing out. He doesn't get down on one knee or ask in the conventional manner, that's not their style anyway. He wraps his arms around her and whispers in her ear something she's heard him read to Emma Kate countless times.
“If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you.”