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Dex had caught himself, with increasing frequency, zoned out staring at Derek. Whether he was entranced by the amused quirk of his smile or the soulful depth of his eyes, he would abruptly jerk back to reality and realise that he'd lost about 10 minutes just looking at Derek. It was starting to become a problem. Once it had happened when he was in the middle of talking over something from one of their classes with Chowder. He'd looked over when Derek let out one of his infectious laughs, head thrown back and teeth gleaming. Dex had just stopped talking midsentence, not realising what he'd done until Chowder tapped the back of his hand with a smirk on his face. Dex immediately blushed bright red and dove back into their discussion before Chowder could chirp him for being so smitten.
It only got worse once they got together. Because now he had permission to stare. Now, when Derek caught him staring, he gave him this soft smile, one that he only used with Dex, and it made Dex's chest feel so warm. So really, that was just incentive to keep up with the staring. Of course, that meant he tended to notice a lot more about Derek's interaction with other people as well.
Derek was an easy person to get along with, what with all his 'chill', and people gravitated towards his charm and good looks. Sometimes they gravitated a little too close. As much as he knew it was ridiculous, as much as he tried to be rational, he couldn't help but feel jealous whenever anybody got too close to Derek. Whenever Derek laughed at someone else's jokes or looped his arm around someone else's shoulder. He knew ok? He knew how petty and possessive and ridiculous he was being. But that didn't make it any easier. It didn't matter how many times Derek jumped up into his arms after a day a part, placing a gentle kiss on the tip of his nose. Or how often he slipped his hand into Dex's on their walk to Faber. Or how often he'd place a plate of dinner in front of Dex after Dex had fallen down the rabbit hole of programming, glaring until he finished it all before bundling him into the bottom bunk, wrapping himself around Dex until he got at least 8 hours of sleep. Even with all evidence of Derek's feelings he couldn't stop the ugliness inside him rearing up whenever someone else touched Derek.
On this particular night, they were holding a kegster at the Haus to celebrate their latest win. On becoming Derek's boyfriend, he had won himself permanent Nursey patrol. Not that he minded having a tipsy, handsy Derek draped all over him. Except that Dex had started talking to a girl in one of his Computing classes, and clearly got way too into complaining about their tutor, as he didn't even notice when Derek left.
By the time he noticed Derek was no longer draped over him, he was nowhere to be seen.
“Sorry Alice, I’ve gotta find my lost boyfriend, there’s no telling what he could get up to on his own,” Dex said.
Alice laughed, “No worries, we can complain about our tutor another time.”
Dex gave an absentminded nod, already craning his head trying to find to where Derek had disappeared. He couldn’t see him, so he began wading towards the kitchen, thinking Derek may have been tempted by some of Bitty's pie, as he often was after a few beers. A quick look showed a deserted kitchen. Two frantic minutes of searching later, the low, husky sound of Derek's laugh washed over him and he sighed in relief before turning to locate the source.
What he saw made him not so relieved. There was a guy that Dex had noticed hanging around Derek before, a guy with flawless pale skin, long white blond hair and a long sculpted body. Basically a viking god, who was currently leaning in way too close to Dex's boyfriend. Of course, that boyfriend didn't seem to mind that much, what with the way Derek's head was leaning against the Vikings shoulder as he gazed up at him. Dex's stomach dropped as he watched Derek's eyes flutter close and the smug smile on the Viking's face. Dex stood frozen, unable to stop watching as the Viking looped an arm around Derek's shoulder. Sure, that could just be considered friendly right? Just helping a drunk friend stay on his feet? But then Derek snuggled further into the arm, squirming closer in a way Dex had only seen Derek do with him.
Dex knew that for self-preservation purposes he should just look away. Just look away and trust his boyfriend. Trust in their relationship. Just look away and stop being so ridiculously jealous. Derek had always been a touchy feely drunk. He knew this, everyone knew this, it was part of the reason Nursey Patrol was a thing. But then. Then the Viking started stroking his hand up and down Derek's arm and Dex couldn't take anymore. He started pushing his way through the crowd of dancing bodies, making his way towards the front door.
He was outside and running before he even registered the door slamming shut behind him.
***
Once Dex was a few miles away from the Haus he dropped down to a walk.
Dex just had to realise that Derek was different than him. Just because Dex preferred to keep most of his touching to Derek didn't mean Derek had to do the same. Especially since they'd only been dating about a month. Regardless of the fact that it had been the best month of Dex's life or that Dex was pretty sure he was falling in love, it didn't mean that Derek was falling as fast and hard as he was. Really, it was all Dex's fault for being so bloody insecure. He didn't understand anymore now why Derek was with him than when Derek had first asked him out. At first, Dex had thought Derek was playing a lousy joke by asking him out, having finally noticed how head-over-heels Dex was. Not that he thought Derek would ever be that cruel, but his disbelief that Derek could ever want him was greater.
But really, how could Derek want him? William Poindexter. The too tall, too freckly, too plain ginger. Derek could have anyone he wanted, but he had chosen Dex. But just because Derek wanted to date him didn't mean he wanted to spend 100% of his time with him. Even if Dex would love that and hated every second that Derek wasn't around. He was clearly being too clingy. Derek deserved the freedom to have whatever friends he wanted and touch them however he wanted. Dex wouldn't screw everything up by telling Derek how insanely jealous he was, how insanely insecure he was.
He just... he kind of wished that he was enough for Derek. Like Derek, and only Derek, was enough for him.
The moon was shining brightly tonight, illuminating the path in front of Dex as he passed the computer science building. He wished it was open 24/7. He could lose himself in coding and forget everything else that had happened tonight. Although seeing as he was a bit tipsy that probably wasn't the best idea anyway. He walked onward, breathing in the fresh night air and listening to the rustling of the trees. There were still a few students out and about, a few that were clearly a bit tipsy, but no-one seemed to notice Dex. That's how Dex wanted it. That's when he saw the library beginning to loom out of the darkness, and Dex walked with renewed purpose. He remembered that a guy in one of his lectures had told him about a loose window out back that could be used to break into the library after hours. What the guy had wanted to get into the library for, Dex hadn't asked, but the information would prove useful tonight. He tested the window, and felt a burst of relief when it came easily away from its frame. He didn't want to go back to the Haus tonight, couldn't bear to watch Derek hang all over others, but also couldn't bear to be the one to take Derek away from having fun. If he stifled Derek too much, he might leave him. Dex could deal with the jealousy, as long as he had Derek. So he'd bunk in the library and sort his shit out before he next saw Derek.
Dex walked through the stacks, trailing his hand along the programming books until he reached the best lounge in the joint, the one that was always full of students typing away at their laptops. He guessed there were some benefits to being here this late. He flopped down, put his hands behind his hand and let out a sigh. He just wished he could be happy. He'd longed for Derek since they were both freshman, long enough that actually dating him seemed a little like a dream come true. He wouldn't let his stupid emotions ruin it.
He rolled over onto his side and attempted to sleep, although it was a long time coming.
***
Dex woke slowly with a slight headache from the tub juice he had consumed the night before. He peered around through bleary eyes, confused about the stacks of bookcases surrounding him. Oh yeah, he rolled his eyes at himself, he'd crashed in the library last night. He groaned as he pulled himself up from the too small lounge, cracking a protesting back. He checked the watch on his wrist. 5am. Plenty of time to get out before anyone caught him using the library out of hours.
Dex stood and slowly began to make his way towards his point of ingress. He easily climbed back out the window and landed lightly in the grass below. The sun was just starting to stain the sky pink, and as Dex walked through the trees back towards the Haus, he felt a sense of calm that had been missing in his life recently. Until the Haus came into view. Then the thought of Derek and the Viking hit him with renewed intensity. A tightness gripped Dex's chest. He needed to get over this. If he didn't want to lose Derek he needed to get over this.
Dex ruthlessly shoved the thoughts away, ignoring everything except one foot in front of the other. It was fine. Everything was going to be fine. If Derek had been sober enough to notice Dex's absence he'd just say he got a headache and went for a walk and ended up sleeping in the library. Then they could laugh over it and everything could go back to normal with Derek never knowing how messed up Dex was over him.
Dex climbed up the stairs of the Haus, avoiding the third one that always creaked, and opened the front door slowly, not wanting to disturb anyone that had end up crashing downstairs, even though Bitty had an apoplexy every time someone slept on that lounge. But instead of a Hausful of hungover guys, there was only Derek, pacing frantically in the living room. The door softly clicking shut behind Dex was enough to alert Derek and he whirled around, eyes wide and worried, until he saw Dex, then relief flashed across his face and his whole body seemed to shudder with the loss of tension.
"Oh thank god," Derek exclaimed, and in the next second he'd wrapped himself tightly around Dex. Dex returned the hug, starting to get really worried.
"Derek?" He asked, squeezing tighter in his panic, pressing his cheek to the top of Derek's head, "What's wrong? Did something happen to one of the guys?"
Dex would never forgive himself if something had happened and he wasn't there because of his own stupidity.
Derek pulled back from the hug and Dex was shocked to see his expressive, normally placid eyes, filled with rage, "What's wrong? What's wrong! Are you really asking me that?"
Derek shoved Dex and he stumbled back a few steps in shock, "Wha-?"
"What's wrong is that my idiot boyfriend left the Haus last night without telling anyone that he was leaving or where he was going, without taking his phone, without a damn bit of sense!" Derek yelled.
Realisation swept over Dex. He was upset over Dex. All the panic, worry and relief, was because Dex had left without telling him. Which meant that Derek had gone looking for him, had noticed he was gone, even though he was occupied with that Viking. As terrible as Dex felt for making Derek worry, he felt.. happy. Happy to have a sign that Derek cared, that he mattered to Derek maybe even the slightest bit as much as Derek meant to him.
Dex raised his hands in supplication, "I'm sorry, I'm really really sorry, I never meant to worry you."
Derek crossed his arms and glared at him, "And what exactly was so important that it took all night and you couldn't grab your phone or let anyone know?"
Dex could feel the bright red blush spread across his cheeks as he rubbed the back of his neck with one hand, "Um... it wasn't important?"
Derek's eyes flashed with temper and he opened his mouth to no doubt begin another shouting tirade, when Holster and Ransom slammed through the front door, "Ok, he wasn't in the the dini- DEX!" Holster exclaimed.
"Dexy!" Ransom cried out at the same time before they both tackle hugged him.
"Where you been little bro?" Holster asked, ruffling a hand through Dex's hair.
"We were just getting to that, weren't we Dex?"
Ransom and Holster took in Derek's narrowed eyes and tense body language and started backing away towards the kitchen.
"You know what, we'll just leave you to it, we'll text the others to let them know Dex made his way home."
With that they disappeared into the kitchen, no doubt hovering around the corner to listen in.
"I," Dex said, feeling a little lost, "everyone was looking for me?"
Derek's gaze softened a fraction and he shook his head in disbelief, "Of course they were, everyone was worried."
"Oh," Dex said softly, looking down at the floor. He knew they cared about him, but as a D-man, you know? It was something else entirely to know they'd gone through so much effort for him. All through high school he'd wished for such friendships, and now it seemed he finally had it. And he was screwing it all up.
"I'm.. I'm really sorry, ok? I never meant to worry anyone. Especially you."
Derek raised his brows, his voice disbelieving, "So what, you just thought I wouldn't notice you were gone all night?"
Dex shuffled in place, looking away awkwardly.
"Dex? What's going on?"
Dex's face burned even brighter, "It's embarrassing. And... unflattering. I don't want you to know, you might not want to be with me anymore."
Dex only heard Derek sigh, focusing hard on his shoes, until Derek's feet came into his line of vision.
"William."
Dex's head jerked up at the rarely used name. Derek's face was set in serious lines, "Unless you tell me that you left to cheat on me, or kick a puppy or something, I'm going to want to be with you. Granted, I might have to lo-jack you, but I'll still want to be with you."
Dex's lips quirked up in a tremulous smile, "Ok, but do you think we could go upstairs?" He asked, jerking his head in the direction of the kitchen to indicate he didn't want to do this in front of the peanut gallery.
Derek agreed, grabbed Dex's hand, and started leading him up the stairs. Dex would never admit how much relief he felt to have Derek's hand in his again.
"Aw come on, no fair," Ransom called out.
"Yeah, this is what we get from coming all the way from New York to visit?" Holster added.
"That was our room first jackasses! We have rights!" Ransom cried.
They ignored them and traversed the stairs quickly, shutting the door behind them. Derek dragged Dex over to the bottom bunk and sat down, pulling Dex down close beside him.
"Ok, spill."
Dex sighed and lay down, squeezing his body to fit onto the end of the bunk as he put his head in Derek's lap. He couldn't face Derek when he told him this. Derek's hands went to Dex's hair and began playing with the strands, which helped relax Dex immensely. He savoured it, in case he'd never get it again.
"So. I need you to know that I trust you, ok? That my feelings have no bearing on you and I'm just crazy and an idiot and a weirdo."
"Hey," Derek said, tugging lightly at Dex's hair, "That's my boyfriend you're insulting. Now stop stalling and tell me the truth."
Ok. Now or never.
"I hate you touching other people."
Probably could have put it more eloquently than that, but at least it was out there.
Derek's hands had paused in his hair, "Touching other... what?"
Dex pushed himself off the bed and started pacing.
"It's just. Last night? With the Viking. I'm jealous! I can't help it!" Dex exclaimed, falling down in the desk chair and putting his face in his hands.
He took some deep breaths to try and retain his composure and regain his ability to speak in full sentences. When it had been quiet for a few minutes, he peeked up at Derek. Who was sitting on the bed, leaning back on his hands with a smirk on his face. Dex groaned and put his head back in his hands, "Don't laugh at me," he said, coming out muffled.
Derek immediately laughed.
"I'm sorry, I can't help it. I pretty much got that you were jealous? The rest was pretty much gibberish."
Dex sighed and leaned back in the chair, "Yeah, I was jealous. Of that big blond Viking god you were draped all over last night."
Derek arched an eyebrow, "Viking?" His face eyes brightened, "Oh! You mean Sean?"
"Well clearly that description fits him, so probably!"
Derek huffs out another laugh, "Dex, you know there's nothing going on between us, right?"
Dex sighed and rubbed a hand across his forehead, "Yeah I know, that's not really the problem."
"Then what is?"
Dex braced himself, "It's... everything. Every time you talk to someone, or laugh with someone, or hug them. Basically any interaction you have that doesn't include me."
Derek paused, hands in his lap as he stares at Dex.
"So... you never want me to interact with other people?"
"No!" Dex shouted, standing so suddenly that the chair tipped over, "No, of course not. That's insane, and I know it's insane to feel so jealous and possessive. I know, ok? I just can't seem help it."
Derek hums as he stares at the ceiling and considers the information.
"Ok, well we can figure this out so that we're both happy," Derek said with a decisive nod, "What exactly about me touching other people bothers you?"
Dex groaned, "Really? Psychology?"
Derek grinned, "Hey, you're the one that brought up all your feelings. And we're in a relationship Dex. We need to learn to compromise."
Dex rolled his eyes at Derek's shit-eating grinning, "Fine. I think it's that you're not paying attention to me. Or that I'm worried they'll take you away from me. Or something."
"So you don't trust me to be faithful to you? Is that it?" Derek asked, looking slightly hurt.
"No. No it's me I don't trust. I don't trust that I'll be interesting enough to keep your attention. We've got hockey in common, but that's pretty much it, and you're so much more sophisticated and gorgeous and bloody brilliant. I'm small minded and hold grudges and don't understand poetry."
Derek's eyes grew wider with every negative thing Dex said.
"William. I need you to listen to me right now, ok?"
Dex nodded helplessly.
"You are a hockey god. You're so massive that I never feel as safe as I do when you're wrapped around me. You can fix basically anything that's broken. You are sweet and kind and you are so burning hot that sometimes I have to look away or I'll sport a woody during a hockey game. You came from a small minded place, but when someone points out that you're wrong, you listen and accept it if they're right. Just because you need more time to process things doesn't mean you hold grudges, and they're never for petty reasons. And as long as you keep letting me read you poetry, I don't really care if you understand it."
Derek took Dex's hands in his and looked into Dex's eyes, "I mean really, with all that is it any wonder that I love you?"
Dex drew in a sharp breath. He almost felt like crying, but really didn't want to embarrass himself anymore than he already had.
"Really?"
Derek rolled his eyes and pulled Dex close, "Yes of course really you big doofus."
Dex laughed wetly against Derek's neck, winding his arms around his waist.
"I love you too," he whispered.
Derek just kissed the side of his head and continued to hold him.
***
They walked down the stairs the next morning holding hands. Dex knew they'd get chirped for it and have to put some money in the jar, but the happy glow around Dex could not be defeated.
After enduring a breakfast of the expected chirps, they went their separate ways for class, planning to meet up in their break at the campus coffee shop.
Dex arrived first and ordered a coffee for them both before snagging a table from girls that were just leaving. He played on his phone for a few minutes, until a familiar laugh broke his concentration, and he looked up, smiling, to find the source. Derek was walking in with... the Viking god. Dex's stomach dropped at the way Derek was playfully shoving at his arm and smiling up at him. Damn it. Dex knew that "I love you" wasn't a magic fix, but he'd hoped it would help a little. And he couldn't help but dislike Sean, despite all of Derek's reassurances. He took a deep breath and pasted a smile on his face, determined to at the very least try.
"Hey!" Dex said brightly, standing to greet them.
"Hey Dex," Derek replied, smiling warmly, eyes laughing, "I don't think you've met Sean, have you?"
Dex was going to get him back for this.
"No but I've seen him around. Hi Sean, Dex, nice to meet you," he said, extending his hand for a shake.
Sean smiled widely back, "Hey Dex man, heard a lot about you, nice to put a face to a name."
Dex shot a grinning Derek a look, "You have huh?"
Sean laughed, "Oh yeah, it's always, 'Dex scored this awesome goal last night' or 'Dex fixed the dryer again' or 'Gosh isn't Dex pretty'."
Dex was, at that point, bright red.
"It was starting to get pretty strange that I hadn't met you yet, with all that I'd heard about you. Almost like someone was doing it on purpose," Sean said with a significant look at Derek.
"I was trying to stop something like this from happening," Derek grumbled.
But the light in his eyes belied his tone. He had definitely planned this. In that moment, Dex just couldn't help himself. He grabbed Derek and planted a kiss on his lips and then drew him to his side, wrapping an arm around him.
"See? Dex doesn't mind, does he?" Sean said with a wink.
Derek laughed, "Ok ok, you've had your fun. Now scram so I can make-out with me boyfriend."
Derek pushed Sean away, who left with a quick wave, laughing as he went.
As soon as he'd turned away, Dex grabbed Derek for a deep kiss, just stopping for the sake of propriety in a public place.
When Dex pulled away, Derek looked a bit dazed.
"Thank you," Dex said.
Derek looked a bit cagey, "What for?"
Dex rolled his eyes, "For letting Sean embarrass you to reassure me."
Derek smiled his soft smile, his smile just for Dex, "You know I'd do anything for you."
Dex was starting to get that.
***
Derek kept up the reassurance over the next few weeks. At the next kegster he didn't let go of Dex's hand once, just dragged him around as he talked to different groups of people. When Derek was talking poetry, or something else that was akin to a foreign language for Dex, Derek kept Dex included by always having an arm wrapped around him. If they were taking a walk outside and a friend came up to chat with Derek and gave a hug in greeting, Derek would hug them back and then immediately reattach himself to Dex.
And the best part? Derek seemed to love the constant contact too. He wasn't just humouring Dex, he seemed to genuinely love always hanging over Dex in some way. At night, when Dex had Derek wrapped in his arms, he couldn't believe that he had gotten so lucky.