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Hindsight was both twenty-twenty and a bitch. In retrospect, it all made perfect, horrific sense, even though Joker didn't want to think too deeply about the logistics.
Joker sat on a sofa in the observation deck, whiskey in hand, crew chattering all around him. It was the last big party before Shepard had to go to jail, and the best excuse people had to drink since the suicide mission.
Shepard and Garrus sat on the couch opposite of Joker and Kasumi. Shepard let an uncharacteristically easy smile spread her across her lips. Garrus had his neck bent to be on her eyelevel. Her face came a little too close to Garrus' as the condensation on Joker's glass formed a drop and began to fall.
Joker realized he was an idiot.
Shepard always valued dependability. It was why she and Liara clicked, or at least that's what Joker always thought. Liara was devoted to Shepard, and there were probably some awkward feelings there, but they were a strong duo.
Joker wondered why Shepard would pass up the chance at being with Liara, but he couldn't exactly speak for the commander's personal taste.
Garrus, when he first joined, was a little less than dependable. It wasn't as if he couldn't hold his own in a fight, it was that he kept trying to get into fights. Shepard on the other hand tried actively to avoid them, which was why Joker was initially surprised by how much time she spent talking to Garrus while he tweaked the Mako.
He was funny when he let his hair down, so to speak. Joker would give him that much since that was also one of his better qualities. But other than that, the friendship seemed odd.
Shepard was Shepard, and Garrus was a so green he could be mistaken for foliage.
He started to understand it a bit more after Omega. Garrus had lead an entire squad to take down the backwater scum that populated Omega's alley ways, and he had been doing a pretty good job at taking out the trash before it all went sideways.
Garrus had proven himself a competent and effective leader, which he never would have pegged him as while hunting for Saren. That might have been why Shepard spent so much time with him. She saw what Joker couldn't. Garrus was dependable, he just needed to grow up a little.
With that in mind, it made perfect sense to Joker that Shepard would spend even more time with Garrus after he came aboard the SR 2. He was effectively turning into her number two, not that anyone would say that aloud in front of Miranda.
The fact that they were sometimes up in Shepard's cabin after midnight? Late night planning, obviously. You could never prepare too much for a suicide mission, after all.
That odd coincidence that they arrived at the exact same time for suit up for said suicide mission? They were both just very punctual people.
That one time when Garrus slipped up and almost called the commander 'Jane' over the comm? Well, who could blame them for being on a first name basis when they spent so much time together? At least he corrected himself and remained professional.
The morning after the suicide mission when he found Garrus coming down from Shepard's cabin at 5:00 AM? That actually was weird, because they shouldn't have needed to do anymore late night planning sessions if the mission was over.
"I fell asleep in the elevator. Can you believe it?"
Joker had believed it. He thought it was hilarious, too. He referenced it to tease Garrus a few times, even. How did he fall for such a horrendous lie? How had the truth not been apparent to him until it was too late?
The drop of condensation hit the floor.
"You guys are banging."
It was a statement, not a question, because anyone who had any clue about the circumstances would know that for a fact.
Shepard and Garrus had to tear their eyes off of each other to look at him. They were so close their cheeks were almost touching.
"Not at the present moment," Garrus said.
Shepard jammed her shoulder into his. Garrus just laughed and settled his arm over her shoulder. Joker wanted to scream.
"Did you only realize that just now?" Kasumi asked.
"I recognize I have been less than vigilant," Joker began."But you have to admit this-"
Joker gestured wildly at the two of them.
"-came out of left field."
"Nope," Tali chirped through an unattractive hiccup."You were too preoccupied by your little AI to notice."
"I do not belong to Mr. Moreau," EDI said. "My services are available to all members of the crew, with certain limitations of access pertaining to rank."
"EDI's right this time," Joker said."I'm not taking any responsibility for her."
Mordin walked over from the bar, hands folded stoutly behind his back.
"AI could see pattern in organic behavior and recognize its correlation to a romantic relationship while you could not. More fitting that AI should not take responsibility for you."
He walked away. Joker's jaw hung open. Garrus was openly laughing while Shepard hid a smile behind her hand.
"You," Joker seethed.
"What? I've done nothing but enjoy the night," Garrus said.
"You lied to me. You didn't fall asleep in the elevator."
"That was the worst lie in the history of lies. He can't bear any blame if you actually fell for it," Shepard said.
"Not my point, Commander. Why lie to me then if you're going to cuddle her in front of everyone now?"
"Times have changed," Garrus shrugged.
"Yeah," Shepard said."We wanted to keep it to ourselves while we figured it out. That's not unreasonable."
"It was three days ago," Joker said.
Garrus and Shepard both blinked dumbly for a moment.
"I'm drunk," Garrus said.
"Zaeed! Come up with an excuse for us," Shepard shouted.
Zaeed materialized out of nowhere, stomping his boot on the coffee table in front of Joker.
"Listen, kid. When you're staring down your scope in the middle of a desert in weather that's basically cooking you alive while trying to put a hole through a man that fucked somebody else's wife under twenty miles an hour wind, every second counts, and every grain of sand that flies into your eye could be the difference between success and failure."
"Exactly," Tali nodded.
She tried to rest her hand on the back of the couch, but missed and fell to the floor.
"Good thing I can no longer feel pain," she said.
"That sounded way more ominous than you intended," Kelly said.
Kelly helped Tali back up. Joker looked back at Zaeed. Zaeed was gone. Joker turned his attention to the happy couple. Garrus was nuzzling Shepard's hair with his cheek. Shepard looked delighted.
Joker stood up and hobbled over to the window next to Thane, drink in hand. He braced his hands on the windowsill and exhaled deeply. His breath fogged up the glass, but as it cleared he could see the dark, navy hue that swirled around the sparkling stars in the distance.
Joker rested his forehead against the window.
"Why does their relationship bother you?" Thane asked.
Joker looked at him questioningly in return. Thane kept to himself as a general rule. It was surprising to Joker that he had been paying attention to them at all.
"It doesn't bother me."
Thane raised a nonexistent eyebrow.
"Allow me to clarify," Joker said."Their relationship doesn't bother me, being kept out of the loop does."
"They said they wanted time to themselves."
"And yet everyone and their grandma knew but me!"
Joker threw is hands in the air, whiskey sloshing around in his glass.
"They were lying to me about it as recently at three days ago. What did I do to make them think I wouldn't be supportive?"
"That's not the issue. You are underestimating how quickly things can change for people. Zaeed was attempting to tell you that. I think."
"I'm lost," Joker huffed.
"Shepard and Garrus can't control who figures out their relationship through deduction. The fact that most of the crew besides you know isn't their fault. Still, three days ago they may have been less sure that things would end well for them, so they tried to limit the amount of people they had to explain the situation to."
"Alright, makes sense," Joker rubbed the back of his neck."But it was still only three days ago. What could have changed since then?"
Thane cast a glance over his shoulder, and Joker followed suit. Shepard's head rested on Garrus' shoulder while he curled the ends of her hair around his fingers.
"Devotion has no set standard," Thane said."It may take a lifetime-"
Thane clasped Joker on the back and smiled.
"-or it may take three days."
He turned and left, wishing Shepard goodnight before leaving the room.
Thane was right, although for Garrus and Shepard it had taken a little longer than three days to get where they were. And after all that struggle, they were about to be split up again, and no one knew how long it would last. Whatever they were fretting about before probably seemed inconsequential in the face of separation.
Joker tilted his head back and groaned. He shouldn't be upset that they didn't tell him. They were telling him now. They were telling everyone.
But not everyone deserved to know.
Joker moved away from the window and walked toward the door.
"'Night, you guys. Remember to be safe, now," he said, taking a sip.
"I am the spokesperson for safeness. Safety. Saaaffeee-uh," Garrus trailed.
"Safeness is a word," Shepard said.
"I know. I'm the spokesperson for-"
"Good night, Jeff," she said.
Joker chuckled to himself as he left. Once he was back his pilot chair, he addressed EDI.
"Level with me here, EDI."
"Go on, Mr. Moreau."
"When the Alliance detains Shepard, they're going to be all over the Normandy, including the security cameras, yeah?"
"The collection of evidence is standard protocol when an officer is under inspection."
"I don't think they're going to find any ground breaking evidence from the commander getting sweet on her right hand man. You catching my drift?"
"Your drift has been caught. However, you do not have the clearance to delete any security footage."
"I didn't bust my ass to unshackle you so that you can pull rank on me. This isn't about protocols or system settings. This is about Shepard. She doesn't deserve to have her personal life put under a microscope."
There was a short paused.
"Agreed. I will scan the archives for footage of Shepard's relationship with Officer Vakarian and proceed accordingly."
Joker leaned back into his seat and brought the whiskey to his lips. Bits and pieces of security recordings appeared on the screen in flashes as they were found and deleted.
Live footage of Shepard laying her head on Garrus' lap in the observation deck played. Shepard was smiling, he presumed Garrus was doing the same with his hard to read turian features.
He owed Shepard more than he could ever repay. One action on his part would hardly make them even, but he wasn't trying to settle his old debts. Whatever he could do to make her life a little easier, he would do. Just because she didn't tell him everything didn't mean they weren't friends, and friends didn't keep score.
It was just something he wanted to do for her.
The live footage was cut to black, and then replaced by a splice of an empty observation deck.
Joker smiled and took a sip.