Chapter Text
PROLOGUE
The flickering of the fire was reflected in her gaze. Her entire face was layered in shadow except for those twin amber sparks.
But behind the two specks of light her eyes were flat pools of almost black. There wasn’t anything there. Just flatness and blackness.
It made him feel worried.
She didn’t exactly look sad as they sat on the ground and studied the campfire together. She even smiled as two of the older boys began competing to perform handstands in the grass. There really wasn’t anything very unhappy about her. Or at least, there wasn’t if you hadn’t known her before last year.
But he had. He had known her since way before sixth grade, since before kindergarten even. And to him, her eyes looked like they just weren’t happy.
They were sitting side-by-side, their legs crossed and knees almost touching.
They were so close.
They were so close, and yet he couldn’t really reach her. She was so different now.
His mother was always telling him to mind his own business and not say the wrong things to people. But it wasn’t wrong to want to try and make someone happy, was it? It couldn’t be. He had to at least try.
So he leaned over and nudged her shoulder with his. She looked up.
“Want to go make another s’more? I promise I won’t burn the marshmallows this time.”
The fire was still reflected in her pupils, and it made his face feel hot as she stared at him for a long moment.
And then, she smiled.
Sure, it wasn’t a big grin of pure happiness, and of course it didn’t mean that she would suddenly stop being sad. But it was genuine and directed right at him and made him feel like maybe, just maybe, he had said something right this time.
***
NINE YEARS LATER
The bright blue front door of Peeta’s house was smiling at him and the rope swing hanging from the old oak by the driveway seemed to call out “Hello! Welcome back!”. The large sack of flour slouched in the back of his father’s car said “Look, nothing’s changed.”
In the distance he could hear the yells of a group of carefree teenagers - probably getting ready to take a motor boat out onto the lake - as if he, too, had just come back from wrestling practice after a long day at school and wanted nothing more than to forget about his math homework and go for a swim.
Peeta sighed as he opened up the car door to retrieve the last box of his possessions. It was somehow always surprising to him that while he had been out in the big “real” world of Panem U, life at the lake was the same as ever. And although it felt a bit surreal to be coming back after four long years away, there was also something comforting in knowing that so little had changed here.
“Anything else out there, Peeta?” His friend and neighbor’s voice rang out from inside the house.
“Nope, this is the last box. Thanks, Finn,” he called back.
“Thank fuck!” Rye’s voice now joined in too, bouncing off of Finnick’s playful jeering.
“Now get your pretty face back in here and clean your crap off this couch. Your brother and I are beat.”
“Yeah, unlike some around here, my vacation’s only two weeks long and I intend to make the best of it!”
Peeta rolled his eyes and huffed out a chuckle. “Yeah yeah,” he grumbled under his breath. “Thanks for the help, dear brother. Don’t worry, I’ll close up the car from here.”
Moving home after graduation certainly came with a jumble of confusing and conflicting emotions. But if he was honest with himself he had missed his brother’s ridiculous but good natured teasing, and Finnick’s general craziness.
As he reached up with one hand to close the car door, balancing the box on his hip, a figure standing at the end of his driveway caught his eye. He turned towards it, and his heart gave what he could only describe as a dorky, happy little wave hello.
Katniss.
Wow, Peeta hadn’t been prepared to see her so soon after he arrived. Which was silly, because growing up in District Lake means knowing almost everyone and seeing those same people nearly every day of your life. So he really should’ve expected it, but still...
Katniss smiled and gave him a wave when they made eye contact.
“Hi!” he called, grinning as he slammed the door shut and set the box on the ground.
“Hi. I was just walking to the store and I saw you were here.”
He held his arms out as she neared and was relieved when she walked right up and gave him a hug. She felt thin, but not necessarily thinner than usual. It was sometimes hard to tell with Katniss. He had always been stocky and she had always been slight.
“Congratulations on graduating and everything,” she said as they quickly separated and stood a few feet apart. “And, you know, welcome back.” Her posture was stiff, but he could hear the sincerity in her voice even if most people probably wouldn’t.
“Thanks. It’s great, but also a bit weird. Doesn’t quite feel real that I’m done with school, you know?”
“I bet. How long are you going to be back? Here, I mean. In the District.”
“Couple months at least, until I figure out what to do with myself this next year since… Well, I had something lined up for the fall and then it fell through.”
“Yeah, I… I heard about that. I’m sorry.” She looked up at him, and it was clear that she meant it.
He shrugged. “It’s okay. It was my choice not to apply at a bank or be an accountant for a big firm or something like that. And I do love the bakery. I mean, Mom’s not too happy of course, since I’m not following Bran and Rye into the world of doctorates and MBAs. But I think Dad’ll be pleased if I stay in the business.”
Katniss nodded and gave him a soft smile. “I’m sure he’d be really proud.”
“We’ll see. But how are you? How is everything here?”
She shrugged, folding her arms across her middle. “Pretty much same as always. Prim’s doing well, just about to start senior year. And Haymitch is keeping me on at the diner, so that’s good.”
“Oh yeah! You’ve been there for a while now, right?” He realized he wasn’t sure whether she had a full-time job or if she was still taking any classes at the community college. It had been months since they had last seen each other, and much longer than that since they had really talked and caught up.
“Almost two years, yeah,” she responded. “I also started nannying for one of the families up the hill. The kids are really sweet and they actually like me, so that’s been good. But kids are easier to please than adults, I guess.” She gave another soft, self-deprecating smile.
“Or you’re just good at it and that’s why they like you.”
She shrugged again, ducking her head. “We’ll see,” she echoed.
“Yo, Peeta, what’s the hold up?” Finnick peered out of the front door. “Oh, hey Katniss,” he added upon seeing her. She waved. “Hi Finnick.”
Peeta’s friend directed his gaze back towards him and raised an eyebrow. Peeta nodded.
“Yeah, I’m coming, just a minute.” He turned back to Katniss as Finnick disappeared back inside. He sighed and frowned apologetically, reaching up to run a hand through his hair.
“Um, sorry, I should go clear all of this stuff before my parents get back. Don’t want them to already regret letting me crash here. Or for Finnick to think I’ve abandoned him.”
“Yeah, of course.”
“But it’s great to see you. We should catch up soon. Maybe you can come to dinner sometime this week?”
She smiled and gave a slight nod. “Alright. See you around.” And well, that was certainly much better than a no.
“Bye, Katniss.”
Peeta watched her walk back down the driveway for a moment, then turned and hefted the box back up onto his hip.
As he walked inside, Rye called out from the kitchen, “So are you glad you’re back now ?”
Finnick cackled from his sprawled-out spot on the sofa. Peeta rolled his eyes at Rye’s suggestive tone.
“Yep, you all are just a bundle of joy, dear brother. Makes me so glad to be back.”
***
God, it was good to see Peeta again. As Katniss walked down Main Street towards the grocery, she mentally ran over every detail of their conversation that she could remember. He seemed a bit sad about losing his job, sure, but even the prospect of being stuck back here – working with his mother in this sleepy little town for an undetermined number of months – hadn’t fully dampened his good nature. Seeing his sweet, gentle smile was comforting in a way that few things in Katniss’s life ever were.
By the time Katniss had picked up groceries for the week and returned home it was already mid-afternoon. Taking the back road up to her house so that she didn’t have to walk past any other houses may have slightly extended the length of her trip, but no one had to know.
“Hey! Did you get cereal?”
Apparently her trip had taken so long that Prim was already back from work.
“Yes, I got you more cereal. How was your shift?”
“It was fine. Got the usual Saturday lunch rush, but it was pretty calm overall.”
“Good.”
Katniss hated that at 17, Prim had already taken to working a few shifts at Abernathy’s each week. But Haymitch was a kind boss, vulgarities aside, and because the hours were only on the weekend it still left her with enough time for her internship down at the hospital. That had been a necessity for Katniss in letting Prim take the job.
“So Annie told me that Peeta’s coming back home from school this weekend. Did you know?” Prim asked as Katniss began to put away the groceries.
“Um yeah, I actually saw him on the way to the store.”
“How’s he doing?”
“Okay. I think he’ll be at the bakery for a few months until he can find another job.”
“Is he still dating that girl from school?”
“I don’t know. Ask Annie, she usually has all that gossip.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right.”
Katniss’s mental frowning must have worked, because Prim let the topic drop with that.
“Speaking of Annie, she and Haymitch were talking about the Summer Festival this morning. I can’t believe how soon it is…”
Katniss listened as Prim happily informed her of everything she had overheard about the planning for Panem County’s annual end-of-summer festival. But as she set about making soup for dinners later in the week, Katniss couldn’t help but let her mind drift back to Peeta. What were his plans now that he was back at home? How long would he really stay here? Was he in a relationship right now? It surely wasn’t her business, but she was curious. Because he was probably here for the next few months, and she was certainly here for the next few months, and maybe they could spend time together again like they had before he left…
To be clear, Katniss had given up any thoughts of being in a relationship a long time ago. It had simply been part of a general determination of what she did and didn’t have room for in her life. Somewhere between raising her sister, trying to keep her mother well, and providing for their family over the last ten years, she had made an unspoken but conscious vow to put her personal needs last on the priorities list.
But she could allow herself this one small pleasure, couldn’t she? This one fanciful imagination that would never be fulfilled and served no purpose other than to provide an outlet for her emotions.
Yes, she decided, and didn’t let herself think about it too carefully. Yes. Later, when all the lights were off and she was safely alone and curled up in bed, she could lie there and think of sweet smiles and broad shoulders and skin streaked with flour and peace offerings in the form of cheese buns. And she could imagine not only what could be, but also what might have been.
***
As Peeta lay in his old bed that night, a few boxes of his belongings still stacked by the door, memory after memory washed over him. They played on an almost continuously looping video, fading one into another like the background montage of some cheesy direct-to-TV drama.
Many featured him and his family, the kind of memories that are impossible to avoid when you’re back in your childhood home and sleeping in your childhood bed in the room next to your older brother.
But the vast majority were filled with Katniss as well. Memories from when they were young and would play out in his backyard for hours or sneak down to the bakery when his mother wasn’t around for an afternoon snack of one warm cheese bun each. The awkward early teenage years where she was still the only one who he could ever really be himself around. Each and every time he had come home from college and she had still been here, just as strong and caring and committed and unattainable as ever.
Peeta pushed his hair off his forehead and rolled over with a sigh. He was in for a long night.