Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Dragonheart Pharmacy was a small shop in Camelot’s historic district, where little lanes were dotted with quaint shops. There was a flat above this shop, which was old-fashioned, to say the least. The rooms were wallpapered, the wooden floors creaked, and there always seemed to be a draft in every room. But there was also a century’s old wood-burning stove in the kitchen, a huge brick fireplace in the living area, and at the end of the hallway there was a secret stairwell to the shop below. This place was home for Merlin Emrys, the young man who had been bequeathed the run-down shop from his Great Uncle Gaius.

But Merlin didn’t mind the small flat or any of its old bits. He rather liked it, actually. The water took ten minutes to heat, the doors rattled if there was a storm, and the fridge was from the 1950s. But to Merlin, it was home. He kept a hefty supply of wood for his stove and fireplace, which kept the flat plenty warm for him. There was plenty of room for one person, and he didn’t find it cramped. Plus he loved the easy access to his shop, where he worked six out of seven days of the week.  

It was a late Sunday evening, which for Merlin was his sole day off from the shop. Despite that, Merlin had spent the entire day in and out of the shop preparing herbal medicines, handmade ointments, floral perfumes, and old-fashioned remedies. In a large copper pot which sat on the cast-iron stove, Merlin sprinkled in crushed yarrow and a tad bit of sugar, for taste. He hummed to himself as he stirred the wooden spoon in the mixture.

He was about to start on a batch of cough drops, made with Gaius’ special recipe, when his doorbell chimed.

“Hold on!” Merlin yelled, knowing his voice would travel through the thin walls.

He walked down the hall, his weight making the old floorboard creak. Walking down the short flight of stairs to the lower door, Merlin looked through the peephole to see a flash of blonde hair and a red jumper.

Merlin grinned as he opened the door. “If you’re here, I take it the date didn’t go well.”

Arthur huffed, “You enjoy my suffering, Merlin. It’s wrong of a best mate, truly.” Without decorum, Arthur handed Merlin a bottle of wine.

“Wow, you brought wine. I take it the date didn’t go well at all .” Merlin took the bottle and gestured for Arthur to go up the stairs and into the kitchen where they could sit at the table for two.

As soon as Arthur was inside, he threw off his jumper so that he was only in his button-up, since the heat of Merlin’s all-day-brewing had caused the flat to be quite toasty despite the chilly autumn weather. Merlin himself was only in his joggers and a black vest.

“I took her to the cinema. To see that romance film that came out two weeks ago?” Arthur said as he plopped onto Merlin’s ancient sofa.

“Sweet Dreams?” Merlin supplied, because he did indeed like romance films, and wasn’t ashamed to say so. Unlike Arthur. He was a sop at heart, but always refused to admit it.

“Yeah, that one.”

“Then I took her to Kings.”

“Jesus that place is expensive. On a first date?”

Arthur waved his hand as if it didn’t matter, because of course he would. Merlin rolled his eyes and poured out two glasses of wine, giving one to Arthur before he sat across the table from Arthur.

“She was very quiet and hardly said anything all night.” Arthur said.

“And what did you say?”

“I tried to start conversations!” Arthur’s tone was defensive. Merlin had pointed out to Arthur on several occasions that he needed to talk on a date as much as the woman. Arthur rarely actually succeeded in making genial conversations with dates. Merlin still wasn’t sure why Arthur went on these dates when he never seemed to enjoy them.

Merlin teased, “About the weather?”

Arthur glared at him, “I asked about her job. Her family. Her hobbies. I’ve gone on plenty of first dates, thank you Merlin.”

Merlin snorted, “And not a lot of second dates, I’m afraid.”

“I just don’t…” Arthur sighed and then took a gulp of his wine. He groaned, not finishing his sentence because he honestly hadn’t a clue how to finish it.

“It’s alright, Arthur. First dates are weird. Come on. Was she pretty? Did you like her at least?”

Arthur shrugged, tapping his fingers nervously on the sofa cushion. “She was alright.”

“Wow. A raving review. Shall I call my tailor so he can prepare my suit for the upcoming nuptials?”

Arthur held up a rude gesture. “Shut up.”

Merlin cackled, “Your problem is a lack of inspiration. Dinner and a film, really?”

“A film and dinner is a guaranteed way to have something to talk about, even if you both don’t like each other. It’s a classic.”

“And how well did that go?” Merlin tilted his head to the side, watching Arthur’s face scrunch up with annoyance. “You should have taken her to that night market. It was last week. You could have won her over with buying her food and a little trinket.”

Arthur threw his hands up in the air, almost spilling wine all over Merlin’s floor before Merlin grabbed his arm and glared at him. Arthur didn’t seem to mind, as he whined. “I’m horrible at this.”

“You kind of are.” Merlin said, setting Arthur’s wine on the table.

“How are you so good at this?”

Merlin grinned, “It’s because I’m queer. Makes me smarter.”

“That can’t be right. You’re an idiot eighty percent of the time.”

“So you think I’m smart twenty percent of the time?”

“Yeah, the twenty percent is when you’re sleeping.”

Merlin snorted.

“Fine. When was the last time you, The Great Merlin, went on a date?” Arthur was deflecting. Merlin should have seen that coming, since he knew Arthur well enough to know that he never wanted to talk about his own feelings for longer than ten seconds at a time.

Merlin thought about it. He tipped his head back against the puffy chair and pondered back the years, trying to pull up his last date. “Might have been since Freya?”

Merlin’s ex-girlfriend had been a sweet person, but ultimately they had grown apart. Freya had wanted to move out to the countryside and Merlin loved living in the city. There had been more to it, but they had parted ways after a year of dating. That had been three years ago.

“I’ve been busy.”

“With what?” Arthur asked.

“Work,” Merlin gestured to his flat, which might as well have been called his workshop. Despite the silence of the flat, it was messy and constantly active. In the kitchen there was a small herb garden on the window sill and above the sink there was a rack for drying flowers and roots. On the stove there was the large pot boiling away, as well as shelves filled to the brim with small bottles, all filled with different ingredients.

Despite all the clutter that meant a booming business, Arthur looked down his nose at Merlin, clearly calling him out on his nonsense. To be fair, Merlin did work a lot. Even on his day off. Such as today.

“Fine. It’s been a while since I’ve been on a date, but so what? I don’t feel like dating right now.”

“Merlin, don’t let it get to your head, but you’re a catch. A handsome and successful shop owner? Any man or woman would be lucky for a chance to go on your cute night-market date.”

“I can’t tell if you’re being nice or condescending.”

“It’s always a tossup, isn’t it?” Arthur’s smile was crooked. “But honestly, Merlin. You should get back into it. In fact…”

Arthur got that glint in his eye. It was the same glint that Merlin knew would get him into trouble when they were in Uni.

“Whatever you’re going to say, the answer is no. With big letters. N.O.”

“Come on, Merlin. I know this bloke from work. He’s bi, like you, and more importantly, he’s single. Just go on one date.”

“You’re setting me up on a blind date ?” Merlin’s voice rose with surprise. Of all the crazy things Merlin had expected, it had not been that. He had thought Arthur would suggest a night out on the pull or maybe getting one of those horrid dating apps. Merlin had tried that once, and although it had been fun, it certainly hadn’t been a ‘date.’

“Come on, what’s one date?”

“ Arthur .” Merlin whined. He didn’t want to go on a date, especially one set up by Arthur.

“It could be something good, you never know!” Arthur persuaded.

“You sound like my mother,” Merlin muttered to himself. Hunith was sweet but she also wanted grandbabies. Merlin already knew that he was caving in, because Arthur was giving him that endearing smile which Merlin was always weak against.

“Fine. Just shut up. He’s not a creep, is he? He’s at least someone I would like?”

“Merlin,” Arthur put a hand on his chest as if affronted. “I would never do you such a disservice. Lance is a gentleman and he’s a fucking stud .”

Merlin was about to say that since Arthur was straight that he didn’t have the qualifications for designating someone as a ‘fucking stud’ but then Arthur handed over his phone, which was open to a Facebook page labeled ‘Lance DuLac.’

“Holy shit,” Merlin pulled the phone out of Arthur’s hand, tapping on the picture to zoom in. The man was a god with a five-o’clock-shadow, hair that was a little bit long and brown eyes that said ‘follow me to the bedroom’ but also ‘I would be nice enough to meet your mum.’

“Told you he was fit,” Arthur snatched his phone back with a satisfied smile. “I’ll ask him if he’s interested on Monday.”

Merlin fell back into his chair with an annoyed groan.

***

When Arthur arrived at Gwen’s place for their friends’ dinner, she was elbows deep in cooking.

“You are actually on time.” Gwen said as she kissed Arthur’s cheek.

“That means I’m the only one here, doesn’t it?” Arthur listened to the distinctive silence of Gwen’s flat which meant none of their boisterous friends had arrived yet.

“Yes. Come help me. Pop open that bottle of red, would you?” Gwen said, thus pulling Arthur into being her sous chef for the evening.

“Merlin said he’s bringing someone.” Gwen mentioned, as she tossed the rest of the carrots into the salad. It was a statement, but she let it hang in the air like a question, as if asking if he knew anything about it. Usually Arthur did know all the details, sordid or otherwise. Except this time he didn’t know anything. In fact it was a surprise to him that Merlin was bringing anyone. Merlin had mentioned that he had gone on a date with Lance last Saturday, but Merlin had not said much else.

“Did he? I introduced him to a bloke from work.”

“Oh. It must have gone well.” Gwen said brightly. “I hope we like him.”

Arthur frowned down at the bottle of red wine in front of him. As he twisted the opener, he wondered just how well the date had gone. It wasn’t that he was surprised. Merlin was fantastic, and Arthur knew Lance was a nice person, but bringing him to Gwen’s place? That was moving quickly.

Before Arthur could say anything, Gwen’s doorbell rang and she was bustling out of the kitchen to answer it. Arthur popped open the wine and set it on the counter to breathe.

As their friends arrived, Arthur tried not to worry about Merlin and Lance, but it was hard. Merlin was late, as usual, so Arthur had far too much time to wonder just how well the date had gone. Obviously it had to have been better than usual in order to warrant bringing Lance to meet everyone. It left Arthur with a mixture of emotions. He was proud that he had set Merlin up with someone who he really liked, but he was also worried that Merlin had fallen headfirst into something he would regret and then it would be Arthur’s fault. What if it ended poorly? Oh god, Arthur worked with Lance. Would it be awkward? But what if it went well? Would Arthur and Merlin grow apart if things went well with Lance?  Arthur hardly saw Merlin enough as it was thanks to both their jobs. He hated to think if one of them got involved in a serious relationship they wouldn’t see each other anymore.

Arthur’s mind was back flipping through a million different scenarios when Merlin and Lance finally arrived.

“Sorry we’re late.” Arthur heard Merlin say to Gwen in the entryway. “Oh, yes, this is Lance. Lance, this is who I was telling you about, Gwen. She’s a nurse at Avalon. We’ve been friends for years.”

“Oh, I volunteer at Avalon’s clinic over the weekend.” Arthur heard Lance’s voice.

“Of course you do.” Merlin said with a sigh. “Well, I’m going to set this wine in the kitchen. Gwen, introduce Lance to everyone for me?”

Arthur frowned. That wasn’t very romantic. Now Gwen and Lance were talking as they entered the living room where Arthur was sitting with Eylan, Elena, Percival, and Gwaine.

“Oh you already know Arthur,” Gwen said as she steered Lance into the room.

Arthur leaned over the back of the couch to shake Lance’s hand in greeting. “Hey.”

“Hey. Been a while.” Lance joked. He looked a little red with embarrassment, and Arthur wondered if that was because of Merlin’s quick exit. That reminded Arthur… “I’m going to see if Merlin needs help with the wine.”

When Arthur leaned into the kitchen, Merlin was bent over the fridge, trying to find a space for the wine bottle.

“Find anything?” Arthur asked, making Merlin jump and hitting his head on the fridge door. Arthur laughed as he stepped forward, tugging on Merlin’s belt loops to pull him away from the fridge. “Dangerous things, fridges.”

“Shove it.” Merlin grumbled, rubbing his head. He pushed the wine into Arthur’s hands. “Might as well open it. There’s no room in there. Gwen has things in there I don’t even know what they are.”

“Those mysterious objects are food , Merlin.”

“Yeah, yeah. Pour me a glass, arse.” Merlin pulled a glass from Gwen’s cabinet and set it on the counter next to where Arthur was already putting the opener in the cork.

“So you brought Lance?” Arthur asked, trying to be nonchalant.

Merlin’s eyes never left the bottle of wine, clearly avoiding Arthur. “Erm. Yeah. To meet everyone. You know. Just casual.” Merlin took the wine from Arthur’s hands and poured himself a glass. “Come on, let’s go sit with everyone.” Merlin practically scurried out of the room, his wine almost spilling.

Throughout the dinner, Arthur could not help but notice Merlin and Lance were not acting like a couple. They sat across the table from each other. Merlin paid little attention to Lance, although he was certainly friendly to him. But more importantly, Merlin seemed to be pushing Lance toward Gwen instead of reeling him in.

What had made it abundantly clear that Merlin and Lance’s date hadn’t resulted in them falling madly in love, was that Lance was obviously flirting with Gwen. A gentleman at heart, Lance would never so blatantly charm someone else if he was in any kind of relationship with Merlin. Merlin must have brought Lance as only-a-friend.  The only question left was why Merlin seemed to like Lance enough to bring him along, but not enough to start a relationship with him.

Somehow, when everyone migrated from the dining table to the couch in the living room, Gwen had recruited Merlin into collecting all the dirty dishes. Arthur elected to stay behind with him, mostly to catch a chance to have a moment alone with Merlin. Lance had offered his assistance, but Gwen had insisted that as a new guest, he wasn’t allowed to clean. It was a rule that Gwen had never employed before, but she seemed happy into introduce if it was for Lance.

“They seem friendly.” Arthur commented once he was alone with Merlin. He also hadn’t failed to notice that Merlin had been unusually quiet throughout dinner. Arthur had been trying to gage his mood all evening.

Merlin turned to Arthur with a smile. “Are you sad that I’m a better matchmaker than you?”

“I take it the date didn’t go well?”

“It was lovely.” Merlin said with a shrug. “But we’re better off as friends. Besides, look at them.” Merlin nodded through the doorway to where Gwen was giggling and Lance’s mouth was half open, like he couldn’t quite believe she was real.

Arthur nodded, “She’s special.”

“You’re not jealous, are you?” Merlin asked.

Surprised by the question, Arthur immediately said “No! Of course not. Gwen and I were ages ago. We’re just friends, you know that.” He and Gwen had been together at the end of secondary school, but they had never really worked out. But she was still one of his closest friends.

“Just checking.”

Arthur began to stack all the plates into a pile while Merlin gathered the silverware. Merlin didn’t make any more remarks. He didn’t even say anything when Arthur began to gather the dishes. Merlin always commented on Arthur’s ability, or lack thereof, to perform chores. Tonight, he seemed less enthusiastic. Arthur hoped it wasn’t because of Lance.

“So I’m bad at first dates even when I’m not on them, huh?” Arthur offered. He had gathered up Gwen’s fabric serviettes and was now fiddling with them uselessly.

Merlin looked up, a little surprised. He must have been in his own thoughts. “You don’t need to set me up, Arthur.”

Something clenched in Arthur’s gut. Merlin hadn’t been on a date for ages. Arthur wasn’t sure why. Merlin was a catch. Anyone would be dying to have him- plenty had asked him out- and yet he stayed single. Usually, Merlin would joke and just say ‘Not everyone has low standards like your dates.’ It was a little joke between them, since there always seemed to be women clawing at Arthur. There had even been a memorable occasion where a woman had tried to seduce Arthur. (This event had ended poorly, and Arthur never wanted to think about Vivian ever again). Of course Arthur knew Merlin must have had his own ships passing in the night, but Merlin was the type who either dated seriously or not at all. It had never been odd to Arthur, but recently it just felt like Merlin was… well for lack of a better word, lonely .

“Yeah, but he could have been The One, you know? It’s been a while since Freya, or you know. Anyone .” Arthur mentioned, trying to be subtle about his concern. Merlin would run off like a scared rabbit if he thought Arthur was being anywhere close to worried about him. Merlin liked to make fun of Arthur’s emotional issues, but he had a bag of his own.

Merlin gave a smile, though it might have been Arthur’s imagination that it didn’t reach his eyes. “You’re so dramatic, Pendragon, you know that?”

Arthur frowned, wishing for a bit more of an explanation for why he had refused the date. “Merlin…”

“I don’t need to be set up.” Merlin walked out into the kitchen, leaving him alone with a pile of dirty serviettes.

Arthur sighed. He must have seen the concern in Arthur’s expression, because that ? That was Merlin running off like a spooked rabbit.

Arthur knew when a conversation was over, but that didn’t mean he was finished.

***

Merlin had gotten Lance’s number from Arthur and the promise that Lance was interested (Arthur had said, “Mate, I showed him your picture and he made an approving face, so he at least isn’t an idiot.” Merlin thought it might have been a compliment. Probably.)

But Merlin’s problem was not Lance. It was Arthur.

The thing about Arthur was that Merlin had known him for a long time. They had met through Morgana during Merlin’s first year of Uni. Merlin had a few medicinal botanical classes with Morgana, who had been taking them for fun between her pre-law courses. Merlin had met Arthur at a few of Morgana’s rather outlandish parties. To say that he and Arthur had not gotten along would be an understatement, but after repeated meetings with the same circle of friends, they eventually got to know one another. After that, everyone had forgotten that at one point Arthur had called Merlin ‘that big eared country boy’ and Merlin had called Arthur ‘that posh brat with daddy issues.’ That had been eight years ago and they were still as thick as thieves.

As for dating, Merlin had had a few serious relationships throughout the years. He had been with Will in his late years of secondary. He never dated anyone consistently in Uni, although he had his fair share of one night stands. Then there had been Freya the year after he graduated.  After that he had stopped dating anyone.

It had not been a conscious decision. It had just happened. Merlin had never felt like there was anyone out there for him. Not because he thought he was unlovable, or something like that, but because he had already found the person he loved most in the world. But that man was straight. And setting him up on a blind date.

Arthur was not perfect by any means. Actually at the best of times he was conceited and condescending.  But he was also empathetic, more than he ever let on because he was scared of what people would think. He was kind-hearted and generous, always putting everyone before himself. Plus, he was always trying to be better, steering clear of his pretentious and strictly-traditional father as much as he could.

Plus he was there for Merlin, always. He was there when Merlin’s father, a person Merlin had known little about, passed away. Arthur had dealt with the emotional breakdown that was Merlin’s father issues, mostly because he had a bagful himself. Plus, Arthur always referred people to Merlin’s shop, even when they didn’t need anything because ‘they can at least buy one of your handmade lotions, honestly, do you want business or not Merlin?’  But most of all, Arthur was the only person on Earth with whom Merlin wanted to share his most private thoughts. He was the person Merlin pictured when he thought of his life thirty years down the road. Merlin didn’t care if he was straight, he just wanted Arthur around. Maybe it was stupid of Merlin not to date, but until someone else came along, Merlin was fine with this.

Believe it or not, Merlin had actually enjoyed his date with Lance. Arthur had said that Lance enjoyed the outdoors, so Merlin suggested they go on a nature walk through a local reserve. It had given them something to talk about or the chance to not talk at all if all else had failed. The only problem had been Merlin. He had worked himself into such a state of worry that by the time he actually met Lance, who had turned out to be wonderful, Merlin felt bad about not being entirely honest about his feelings. Twenty minutes into the date and Merlin had confessed to Lance that he wasn’t ready for a relationship.

Lance, the sweetheart that he was, had understood and had said he was glad Merlin had told him upfront.

Merlin had let out a huge sigh of relief. “Not that I don’t think you’re nice, but I only agreed because Arthur can be stubborn as hell when he wants me to do something.”

Lance had nodded. “I know. He’s the same at work. But he must be a great wingman. He was very persuasive when he mentioned you. He kept telling me about how brilliant you were and told me you had killer legs, which admittedly, I probably shouldn’t say.”

It had made Merlin laugh and their non-date turned out rather well.

They had chatted about Lance’s work (he was a media manager on Arthur’s team at Pendragon Co.) and about his hobbies (he seemed to be on Arthur’s weekend football team and he volunteered a lot). Then Lance had asked about Merlin’s work, and Merlin had happily told him all about his Dragonheart Pharmacy and how he had taken it over from Gaius a few years back.

Merlin had shared a few stories as they walked along the trail, but he hadn’t noticed how Arthur seemed to play a role in all of them. His affection for Arthur must have been painfully obvious, because Lance brought it up.

“As a bi man to another bi man…” Lance had started, which had made Merlin’s nerves set on edge. “Falling for a straight bloke is never a good idea, don’t you think?”

It had been more than embarrassing that Lance had read him that easily. He hoped no one else had. “That obvious, is it?”

“No, but I’m good at reading people. I’ve been known to be that friend people always confide in. So am I right? You have got a thing for Arthur?”

“It’s not like I’ve been desperately sad, longing for him. We’re mates. I’ve had my fair share of relationships, but it’s only been in the last couple years that I just realized… Well, to be blunt, I just don’t see myself loving someone half as much as I love him.”

“I’m sure he loves you too.” Lance had offered with a kind smile.

“I know he does. Platonically. And that’s enough. I don’t really mind it.”

They had spent the rest of their trip talking amiably.  Until Merlin had remembered that Arthur would eventually ask how his date with Lance had gone.

“Shit, how am I going to explain to Arthur that I didn’t fall for the handsome and charming god of a man?”

Lance had looked embarrassed, which was just absurd. But it had given Merlin the idea to introduce Lance to Gwen. Gwen had the same humility that Lance seemed to have, and Merlin could see how they would get alone. What he had not anticipated was Arthur catching on and worrying about it during the dinner.

In the end, Merlin had not explained himself very well.  He had never been a very good liar when he was put on the spot. Or any time, for that matter. His only strategy had been to avoid Arthur for the rest of the evening, hoping Arthur would drop it. When Merlin had flat out told Arthur to drop the whole ‘blind date’ idea, Merlin had thought he would.

Obviously Merlin didn’t know Arthur at all, because Arthur was stubborn as an ass.

***

Merlin should have known better when Arthur invited him out to dinner at the Avalon Hotel. He had texted Merlin, saying that he wanted to scope it out for a business dinner next week, so they should go together.

Merlin, an ignorant fool, agreed.

He hadn’t thought much of it, because he liked these dinners with Arthur. It usually meant one-on-one time with Arthur, which was so rare these days, and there was also the fact that Arthur usually paid for dinner when it was work-related (out of some weird form of chivalry because it was for work so Merlin shouldn’t have to pay).

When Merlin arrived at Avalon Hotel, he texted Arthur “ Where are you? ” and received no response. That should have been his first clue.

His second clue should have been when the maître’d said there wasn’t a reservation for Arthur Pendragon, but ‘Mr. Pendragon dines here often, I’m sure it was a mistake.’

As Merlin was squinting down at his phone, about to call Arthur and ask him what the hell he was playing at, a woman came up beside him. That was his third clue.

“Excuse me, but did you say Arthur Pendragon?”

Merlin turned to see a lovely brunette, dressed in a black pencil skirt and white blouse.

“Erm. Yes.” Merlin’s mind fell off its course from ‘yell at Arthur right now’ and turned straight to ‘wow you’re beautiful.’

“You must be Merlin. I’m Mithian Nemeth.” She held out her hand with a warm smile, and Merlin was too confused by the exchange to not take her hand.

“Hello.” Merlin said, “Um, I’m sorry, but Arthur didn’t mention you. Are you joining us for dinner?”

Mithian’s smile fell. “Arthur? No. He told me you wanted to meet me here.”

“ Me? Arthur told me he wanted to try this restaurant out for a business meeting!” Merlin’s voice raised and the maître’d glared at him. Merlin stepped away, giving an apologetic glance.

Then everything finally clicked into place. “Oh my god, that bastard .” Merlin hissed, pulling out his phone again and typing out a text to Arthur that had far too many expletives in it. All he received back was a smiling emoji.

“I take it there was a communication issue.” Mithian said, looking far too amused. She must have seen his text to Arthur.

“I’m so sorry.” Merlin pled. “Arthur has been trying to set me up on dates and when I told him I didn’t need to be set up, he must have taken that as a challenge.”

Mithian laughed, “Ah, I see. Arthur’s not very good at hearing that he can’t do something.”

“No, he’s not.” Merlin sighed. “So I take it you thought this was a date?”

“I did. Admittedly, I was surprised Arthur wanted to introduce me to someone when he had never felt compelled to before, but this explains it.”

“I see. So you know the prat well?”

“Our fathers are friends.” She clarified. “We aren’t close, but we’ve known each other since we were teenagers.”

Merlin wondered if Arthur was going to start hocking every man and woman he knew at Merlin. He was sure Mithian was nice, she was certainly very beautiful, but Merlin wasn’t entirely positive Arthur even checked to see if he would get along with Mithian. What Arthur should have factored in was the fact that Merlin was just as stubborn as he.

“Well Mithian, it is nice to meet you, even under such odd circumstances.” Merlin gave an exaggerated smile, “May I interest you in a platonic meal between newly acquainted friends?”

Merlin was entirely serious, but it made Mithian laugh. “Well, since I’m not the kind of woman to go on a date with someone who isn’t interested: yes, a platonic meal between newly acquainted friends sounds lovely.”

“Thank you. You can replace Arthur as my new best friend.” Merlin offered his arm, which she took with a delighted smile.

They were guided into the restaurant, and the waiter showed them to a booth at the back of the restaurant.

“I’m sure he meant well.” She said as they were seated.

Merlin grumbled, “He usually does.”

They ordered their food and then the waiter brought out a bottle of wine “Courtesy of Mr. Pendragon.” Merlin swore repeatedly under his breath and plotted to kill Arthur slowly.  Mithian seemed to be taking it all in stride, especially for a woman who had expected a date and had ended up with whatever this was. She was trying to cover her laugh in her hand, but Merlin had seen it all.

“I’m sorry. It’s not that you aren’t absolutely charming and beautiful…” Merlin started, not sure what else to say.

“No, no. I completely understand.” Mithian said.  “I didn’t date for years because I wanted to focus on my career. I’m sure that just baffles Arthur.”

“He isn’t a serial dater.” Merlin defended. “Women just flock to him.”

Mithian’s cheeks turned a little red, which surprised Merlin. She didn’t seem the type to blush. “Oh I know. I once was one of those women. When he came back from Uni, he was so different from the person he was before. I found myself fancying him.”

Merlin nodded solemnly, “Ah, I’m sorry to hear that. It is a mistake easily made.”

Mithian laughed, “Hush. He changed at Uni. As his closest friend, I’m sure you noticed.”

“I didn’t know him before Uni. But he was a posh git when we first met.”

Mithian hummed, tilting her head to the side. “He mellowed out, I think. Or maybe Uni changed the way he thought. Sometimes that happens. Either way, I think it was for the better.”

Merlin snorted. “He’s still a posh git.”

She tilted her head to the side. “I see why he likes you.”

Merlin felt a little sting cut through his heart. It wasn’t like a stab, but a small twinge of hurt. It shouldn’t have hurt at all to know his closest friend admired him, but somehow it made Merlin’s heart ache.

“So did you ever date Arthur?” He asked, trying to deflect her attention away from him.

She shook her head. “No. But I had a short fling with his sister.”

Merlin managed to snort wine up his nose, which felt as bad as one would imagine. He dabbed it off his face and ignored Mithian’s laughter.

“Ah, I see I’m in the company of a fellow bisexual.” Merlin said, trying to sound composed after having rotten grape juice sucked up his nose. “But Morgana is the evil Pendragon sibling. I might have to judge you for that one.”

“A very short fling.” She clarified. “But can you blame me?”

“Not even a little bit.” Morgana was beautiful, intelligent, and fiery as hell.

She held up her wine glass and Merlin toasted with her on that note.

The evening with Mithian was fun, although it stayed completely platonic. Mithian talked about how she had refused to date for years upon years, because her career took center stage and that it wasn’t until recently that she opened herself up to romance. She talked about her job as a graphic designer and the company she had started all on her own. Merlin talked about Dragonheart Pharmacy and how the challenges of a new business weren’t all that different than taking over one that was outdated. When she offered to help design a website for his shop, he eagerly accepted.

As their meal dwindled down, their conversations strayed to hobbies, which is where Merlin learned that Mithian was an experienced horsewoman. She apparently owned a horse of her own and kept it at a stable outside of town. Merlin told her all his horrible stories of Arthur trying to teach Merlin to ride, and completely failing because Merlin always just wanted to pet the horses and brush their manes.

“I’m just not built for it.” Merlin explained. “I love horses, but I think they pity me when I try to ride them. I’m just not good at it, and they know it.”

“You speak horse, then?” She asked with a grin.

“Fluently. They want oats and apples, and I will happily feed them both until they refuse to let me ride them because they know I don’t want to ride. My friend Elena says I spoil them so much that they do my bidding.”

“She might be right.”

“You wouldn’t happen to know Elena, would you? I think her father runs in the same circle as Uther’s.”

“I don’t think so.” Mithian raised a brow. “Why?”

“Just curious. She somehow convinced her father to buy half a dozen horses for her and I think she also keeps them in the stables right outside of town.”

“Oh.” Mithian tilted her head in thought, “I might know of her.”

“Short. Very tangled blonde hair. Trips over her own feet, but rides a horse like an Olympian?” Merlin described.

“Oh, I think I know who you’re talking about.  I’ve seen her once or twice at the stables. She’s quite cute.”

Merlin raised a brow at that. “Would you like me to introduce you?”

Mithian made a mocking face, “Merlin Emrys, are you trying to set me up?”

Merlin raised his hands defensively. “Only if you want.”

Merlin leaned in closer, “I think you would like her. I’ve known Ellie for years and she’s a dork that would melt anyone’s heart. Besides, it will make up for the fact that this date was horribly platonic.”

Mithian rested her chin on her hand, looking thoughtful. “Alright, fine. But on one condition.”

Merlin raised a brow and waited.

“Tell me why you don’t want to be set up.”

“Ah. I see. Prying for information.” Merlin teased, even though his heart rate accelerated. He truly hadn’t expected her to ask.

She waited. Damn her, she was just as conniving as Morgana.

He looked away, admiring the sconce on the wall. “I’m not interested in a relationship at the moment?”

“Was that a question?”

Merlin sighed, looking back to his non-date.  “Why does it matter?”

“Curiosity,” Mithian said simply. “I’m wondering why someone so handsome and friendly wouldn’t want to date.”

Merlin laughed with a little wince at the end. He ran a hand over his brow. “I would date. I honestly would. But it feels wrong to pretend to fancy someone when I’m…” lacking the right words, Merlin gestured vaguely to his chest, “…for someone else.”

She tilted her head to the side. He felt like he was being evaluated and he nervously turned his eyes to the wall again.

“I suppose that makes some sense.” She said, after a long minute. “I’m not sure I agree, but I can see your point.”

“It’s a bit stupid.” Merlin conceded with a little smile.

“No one ever said matters of the heart were rational.”

He was grateful she didn’t ask who held his heart. He wondered if she was just as perceptive as Lance and already knew.  Either way, he was grateful the topic turned as she asked about Elena.

Soon enough, Merlin had texted Elena and they were setting up a time for all three of them to meet at the coffee shop down the lane from Merlin’s shop.

He texted Arthur.

Nice try, Matchmaker. I’m never going to accept any of your dinner invitations ever again – Merlin

***

Arthur never really gave up.

Merlin wasn’t overly surprised since Arthur was stubborn at the best of times, especially if he thought he was doing the right thing.  

He knew Arthur was just trying to be nice when he set him up on a blind date. Plus he was being playful about it, so Merlin couldn’t actually be angry with him. Arthur obviously just wanted to see Merlin happy. If he really wanted to, Merlin could have been sterner when telling Arthur to stop with the seemingly endless parade of suitors, but part of Merlin didn’t have the heart to do it. He couldn’t bring himself to fabricate a compelling enough argument that would deter someone as stubborn as Arthur. So he went on the dates. Every once and a while he thought about taking one of them seriously, but he never did. He usually just explained the situation and if they still wanted to go out for the night, Merlin would take them on a fun but platonic outing.

The part where Merlin started setting up all his dates with other people had been an accident. He honestly hadn’t meant to pair off his dates with other people. Obviously not, because that would have been a big clue to Arthur that he wasn’t actually going on ‘romantic’ dates at all. It had not been his intention, but nonetheless, he was happy to see his friends bonding with someone they liked. If Merlin thought about it, it was probably the same kind of happy and content feeling that Arthur had hoped to feel for Merlin. So Merlin tried not to think about it.

When Merlin had met Lance, he noticed how well he would get along with Gwen, and he hadn’t given it much thought, other than he thought it would be nice to introduce them. Then they started flirting and now they had already been on two dates.  When Merlin met with Mithian, he just wanted to connect her with Elena since they both liked horses and whatnot. Then they had ended up actually liking each other and Mithian texted Merlin to say that Elena had already introduced her to all her horses (which was a big deal for Elena).

It had all spiraled down from there, and Merlin wasn’t sure he could go back now.

After his date with Mithian, Arthur had persuaded Merlin to go out with Owain, one of Arthur’s football mates. Owain was more football oriented than Arthur had let on, probably because he knew Merlin would never agree to the date if he did.

They had met up at a local pub, only to have Owain’s focus keep drifting to his phone. Merlin, who had no plans for a second date, didn’t really mind but he had been concerned that there was an emergency. Merlin had asked if everything was alright and had to hold back a laugh when Owain confessed that he was getting updates on his phone for a football match he was missing. In response, Merlin had said he wasn’t feeling the date, but they should head back to Owain’s and watch the match with a couple beers. Owain had looked like Merlin had brought Christmas early.

By the end of the night, Owain’s team had won (Merlin had actually cheered with excitement. Arthur would have fainted at the sight. Merlin blamed the beers.) Then Merlin had promised to introduce Owain to one of his regular customers. Pellinore came to Merlin’s shop every week for one of Merlin’s muscle treatment creams, for an old sports injury. He was friendly, but he always tried to talk to Merlin about sports. Merlin never failed to be completely confused by Pellinore’s sports-talk, and Pellinore always laughed and said one day he would get Merlin to watch a footie game. Merlin always answered that he would rather tear his eyes out.

When Pellinore came by the shop the next week, Merlin had greeted him with, “Did you see that match last week? That game-winning penalty kick was amazing.” To say Pellinore ‘lost his mind’ at this simple sentence would have been an understatement. He had looked so shell-shocked that Merlin had to say his name twice before Pellinore finally burst out laughing. He wheezed a little as Merlin merrily collected Pellinore’s usual supply of herbal muscle relaxants, plus a set of handmade lotions for his mum’s upcoming birthday. After Pellinore collected himself, Merlin told him the story of how he ended up watching a football match instead of going on a date. By the time Pellinore left the shop, he had his bag full of purchases and Owain’s number. Last Merlin had heard, Pellinore and Owain’s date had gone rather well and they had tickets to a match in two weeks.

After Owain, Arthur had told Merlin that he given Merlin’s number to someone named Kara.

She had texted Merlin, offering a date at a coffee shop on same street as Merlin’s shop, and Merlin didn’t see the harm in a quick tea-and-scone first date. She was very nice, if a bit shy and soft-spoken. Even if Merlin had been interested in another date, she was also a five years younger than Merlin and although that wasn’t too many years, she probably would be better off with someone younger. So he had offered to introduce her to the bookshop assistant down the street. Mordred was a quiet young man who preferred books to people. But Merlin liked him, since he always had a good book recommendation for Merlin and sometimes came to Merlin’s shop to buy a lavender candle to help him sleep at night.

Merlin had told Kara that she was sweet but he thought maybe she was more suited for someone else. Seeing the crestfallen look on her face, Merlin explained that he was kind of hung up on someone else, and wouldn’t she like to meet the person he had mentioned? Only a few minutes later, Merlin took Kara on the five minute walk from the coffee shop to the bookshop. When they arrived Merlin had never seen Mordred look so entranced by anything that wasn’t a book. Kara had asked after a rare science-fiction novel and Mordred practically turned into a pile of goop right in front of her. After about ten minutes of heart-eyes, Merlin made some excuse about being needed at his shop and left the pair to flirt. A couple days later Mordred came by Merlin’s shop with a free book and a scone from the coffee shop. Apparently Kara had stopped by the bookshop every day since he introduced them and Mordred was planning to ask her out tomorrow. Merlin told him he better do it today. No time like the present, Mordred rushed back.

Then, after Lance, Mithian, Owain, and Kara, there was Gwaine.

Merlin supposed Arthur was scraping at the end of the barrel, at this point.  But Gwaine was a friend of both of them, and therefore not a blind date. But the fact that Arthur did not need to introduce Gwaine to Merlin did not stop Arthur.

It had been a little ridiculous the way Arthur had said ‘I asked Gwaine if he was interested in going out with you, and he said yes.’ Merlin remembered being in his flat, making dinner for the two of them on Wednesday night because it was one of the few days of the week they were both free. Merlin had stared at him, spoon in hand, for probably a full minute before he had spluttered, ‘You git! You can’t set me up with my own friend!’

Even when Merlin had pointed out that Gwaine was happy to go out with anyone with a pulse. Arthur had just shrugged with shoulders and had said ‘Why not?’ To which Merlin had no answer.

The only problem with Gwaine was that he knew about how Merlin felt for Arthur. Well actually, now that Merlin thought about it, almost all his friends knew about his feelings for someone .

The thing about Gwaine was that he probably knew everyone’s dirty laundry. He had this this nifty habit of getting people drunk, and then staying up late with them and having drunken conversations about life. Merlin had fallen into this trap more than once, not that he minded it. Everyone needed a drunken confession every once and a while. Gwaine said it was like Catholic Confession but with less guilt.

During one of these nights Merlin had confessed to thinking he would never find anyone who understood him as well as Arthur. He told Gwaine that he loved Arthur. Platonically , he had emphasized. But he also confessed that he sometimes had the selfish wish that Arthur was attracted to men. It was selfish and wrong, and Merlin would never want to change someone for himself.  But when he daydreamed about ‘what ifs,’ it was one of things that crossed his mind.

Gwaine told him it was alright to have a crush on his best friend. It didn’t matter if he had feelings for a straight guy, what queer man hadn’t done that? Gwaine said he had tried to seduce a fair few (and succeeded in a few but that was a conversation for another night).

In the end, Merlin called Gwaine and they agreed to go out that Saturday. When Gwaine arrived at Merlin’s place, for their official ‘fake date’ the first thing Gwaine said was, “So are we going to talk about how Arthur is setting you up with everyone and their mother?”

Merlin groaned. “He’s got this idea in his head that I’m lonely.”

Gwaine raised a brow, as if he agreed with Arthur, but Merlin didn’t want to hear it so he said, “How about we go out for dinner and you shut your gob?”

“Are we going on a real date?” Gwaine smiled lecherously.

“Keep it in your pants, Gwaine.” Merlin smacked him playfully, “Let’s just go to dinner and I’ll tell Arthur it didn’t work out. He’ll get off this kick in a month or so. Wait and see.”

“Keep telling yourself that, mate.”

Merlin didn’t admit that Gwaine might be right, so he said nothing. Instead he offered to pay for Gwaine’s first drink and they headed to the pub. Over dinner, Merlin had all but forgotten that it was supposed to be romantic. It was so rare that he and Gwaine got to talk without everyone else around, so they caught up like they hadn’t in a while. Gwaine regaled Merlin with all the gossip at work, and Merlin told Gwaine about all the people he had set up, leaving out the well-known fact that Arthur had set him up with those people in the first place.

Gwaine walked Merlin back to his place, and when they stopped at the front of Merlin’s shop, Gwaine tugged on Merlin’s coat, stopping him in place.

“Merlin…”

Merlin looked up to see that Gwaine was frowning at him. It was a rare sight indeed, especially from a man who would rather crack a joke than string a few serious words together.

“Yeah?” Merlin asked, feeling his stomach twist.

“You know you can’t do this forever? Going out with friends… pretending .”

He didn’t need to explain. Merlin felt a little angry at his presumption. How dare he talk as if he knew Merlin’s feelings and his plans? He wanted to lash out and tell Gwaine he could take his concern and shove it up his arse. But he didn’t. Because he knew Gwaine truly cared, despite all his jokes and bravado. Merlin sighed, pushing his hair off his brow.

Failing on what else to day, he just said, “It’s not like that.”

“Isn’t it?” Gwaine tilted his head to the side, watching Merlin with a small smile that didn’t show any happiness. “Merls, I’m not saying Arthur’s not a good bloke. He is. But you can’t stay in this stagnant place forever.”

Merlin knew Gwaine wasn’t trying to be hurtful but Merlin still felt the stab through his heart. He covered his mouth, trying to keep his face neutral. He hated to admit it, but going up to his empty flat felt a lot lonelier than he wanted to admit. He wished that instead of going on these dates, he had offered to make Arthur dinner and watch stupid films together. He missed doing that with him.

“I don’t plan to always be in love with him, Gwaine.” Merlin said. “I’ve always known it wouldn’t work out, with him being straight and all that. But it’s taken a while for me to get over it.”

“Have you even tried, Merlin?” Gwaine pulled Merlin closer with the hold he had on his coat. “Merlin… Look at me.”

Merlin now realized he had been avoiding Gwaine’s eyes. Those brown eyes were so expressive that it was hard not to see the concern. He felt so bad. Deep down, Merlin knew that Gwaine liked him and he would take Merlin out on a real date in a second, if Merlin ever allowed it. He knew Gwaine was a good bloke, and underneath it all he had a big heart. He could almost see it working between them. If only his heart would stop twisting in his chest, thinking of someone else.

Gwaine whispered his next sentence. “I’m not asking you to throw him out the window. I’m not asking you to pick me, even though I’d be very pleased if you choose me, Merls. I think you know that. I don’t even care if it’s just to get over him.” Gwaine gave a small smile, something sad about it. “But I’m asking, for yourself, think about moving on and taking one of these dates seriously.”

Merlin bit his lip.

“You’re kinder than you play at, you know that?” Merlin tried to smile. It probably looked like a grimace.

Gwaine smiled, back to his roguish grin. “I’ve been telling everyone that for years.”

That made an honest smile spread across Merlin’s lips. “Goodnight, Gwaine.” He leaned in a pressed a long kiss to Gwaine’s cheek.

He turned away and stepped into his flat.

***

Every year for Merlin’s birthday, Merlin held a big party in his tiny flat. Arthur always came early to help him set up, which usually meant preparing drinks, moving all the furniture to the walls, and bringing a large serving of food from a nearby restaurant. When he arrived this time, Merlin was in the middle of mixing together a dangerous concoction that Merlin called ‘punch’ and Arthur called ‘the devil’s drink.’ While Arthur was pushing the food into Merlin’s tiny fridge, Merlin was dumping a generous helping of vodka into a large container.

“So I was talking to this colleague…” Arthur started and Merlin smacked his hand over Arthur’s mouth before he could say anything more. With his hand on Arthur’s mouth, he could smell the sugary juice Merlin had just poured into the punch.

“You will do no such thing.” Merlin announced with finality. “You will never speak of me to any of your colleagues ever again. You will never speak of any colleagues to me ever again. The only subjects I will deem acceptable tonight are 1. Alcohol, 2. How Awesome I Am, and 3. Cats, because I plan to get drunk tonight and I always like watching funny cat videos when I’m drunk. Are we clear?”

Arthur smiled underneath Merlin’s hand, completely forgetting which colleague he had been about to talk about. “So you don’t want to hear about my colleague’s cat?” His voice was muffled under Merlin’s hand.

Merlin glared at him through squinted eyes.

Arthur licked his hand.

“Agh!” Merlin spluttered, “Oh real mature, Arthur.”

Arthur beamed, victorious. Merlin wiped his hand on Arthur’s face and Arthur swatted at him.

“Alright, since I’m only allowed to talk about how awesome you are…Here you go.” Arthur pulled out the last thing in his bag, carefully nestled between the folds of his coat.

Merlin smiled, but then his eyes landed on the colorful gift bag, and he frowned. “Arthur, I told you not to get me anything.”

“And then I ignored you. Happy Birthday.” Arthur put the bag in Merlin’s hands, “You can’t take it back. It’s a gift.”

Merlin made a face at him.

“I swear I didn’t spend a lot on it.” Arthur raised his hands defensively at Merlin’s dubious expression, “Come on. Open it.”

As Merlin turned around to set the bag on the counter he tried to hide his smile, but Arthur saw it right away. Merlin always made a big fuss about telling his friends not to get him anything for his birthday, but Arthur never listened, and he knew he was an exception to the rule in Merlin’s mind.

Arthur leaned against the counter, watching as Merlin pulled the tissue paper out of the bag and tossed it to the floor. In only a few seconds, Merlin’s eyes turned from squinting with mirth to round with awe.

“I thought you might like it for the flat. It just said ‘Merlin’ to me.” Arthur said as Merlin pulled out the hand blown glass dragon. It was only a little bigger than both of Merlin’s hands and Arthur had thought it would look perfect on the mantle where it would catch the light of the fire. It was made mostly of transparent glass but also had streams of white and baby blue throughout its body.  Its wings were lifted as if the little creature was about to take off.

“Oh, Arthur… it’s beautiful.” Merlin whispered, as he touched the little ridges on the dragon’s back. “Are you sure it wasn’t much?”

“I’m positive.” Arthur said, although it was a blatant lie. He definitely wasn’t going to tell Merlin he had commissioned it for him, or how much that had cost. The money would never matter to Arthur if he got to see the sparkly eyed look on Merlin’s face as he held the glimmering dragon.

Merlin set the dragon down and pulled Arthur into a full body hug. “Thank you.” Merlin whispered, “You are a complete liar, but thank you.”

Arthur pulled him in, wrapping his arms all the way around Merlin’s thin frame. He was warm, and smelled like cinnamon. Arthur figured it must have been from his homemade mulled wine. Arthur pressed his face to Merlin’s shoulder, and revelled for a moment in the warm feeling spread from his chest through his whole body. “Happy Birthday, Merlin.”

“You’re sweet. I knew you had it in you somewhere.” Merlin pulled back and Arthur just glimpsed a flash of a grin before Merlin pecked a kiss to Arthur’s cheek, surprising him. Then Merlin hurriedly turned away to take the dragon into the living area.

With a hand on his cheek, Arthur peered around the corner to watch as Merlin placed the dragon on the mantle, right where Arthur had pictured it. Merlin took a moment to situate it perfectly between his picture frames and the ceramic doves that his mother had gifted him last year. Arthur smiled to himself; he had known Merlin would love it.

Soon enough, they had finished the party preparation and everyone was arriving. It didn’t take long to fill the flat. The party was loud and crammed, but not so much that it was unbearable. Once everyone had arrived, Arthur could stand at the edge of the kitchen and see almost all his friends.

On the sofa was Gwen, who was animatedly talking to Lance and Eylan. Over by the fireplace was Owain, talking to another bloke who looked rather sporty. Merlin had mentioned him. What was his name, Pell? Alinore?  By Merlin’s bookshelf, Arthur spotted Kara with a book in hand, talking with a young man with dark hair. Sitting at the coffee table Arthur heard his sister arguing with Leon, while Elena and Mithian watched with amused grins. Arthur thought Ellie must be drunk, because she was hanging off Mithian with a rather soppy smile on his face. Either that or she was more-than-friends with her. If so, that explained a lot about Merlin’s texts from the night Arthur had tried to set him up with Mithian. Turning around, Arthur saw Gwaine and Percival in the hallway, and unsurprisingly they seemed to be playing a game that involved a spoon and a bottle of whiskey. Arthur didn’t stop to ask.

Plus Merlin and Arthur, that made fifteen people in a flat that was probably only made to hold four people at maximum. Even with Merlin’s kitchen window open, it was hot and the consumption of alcohol didn’t help. But it was the middle of winter, and everyone was happy to shed their layers. Merlin, who was in the middle of it all, fluttering from one group to another, seemed to be delighted with the ruckus. He had a party hat on (laughingly bestowed by Elena) and was eating ice cream (vanilla bean, handmade by Gwen) which was drenched with Bailey’s (poured by Gwaine).

“Hey you,” Merlin came up to Arthur, wrapping a drunken arm around Arthur’s shoulder. “Having fun?”

“’Course.” Arthur replied. He had had his fair share of alcohol, but probably not even half the amount Merlin had been plied with. “You alright?”

“Mmhm.” Merlin hummed and leaned against Arthur, his hair brushing Arthur’s chin. “I was talking to Ellie and she said that all her horses love Mithian, and they’re going be lesbians and adopt them.”

“The horses are going to be lesbians and adopt Elena and Mithian?” Arthur teased.

Merlin burst out laughing, nuzzling his nose into Arthur’s shoulder and wheezing a little bit.

“God, you’re drunk, don’t drool on me.” Arthur muttered, but didn’t move. Instead he wrapped his arm around Merlin’s waist to keep him upright.

“Ellie and Mith are going to raise beautiful gay horses.” Merlin said, rather sincerely. “We will all be their doting aunts and uncles.”

“Of course.” Arthur smiled down at him. “I promise to spoil my equestrian nieces and nephews.”

Merlin nodded. He always agreed to the weirdest things when drunk and Arthur had to restrain himself from making Merlin agree to something stupid.

Merlin started his next sentence, like he was in the middle of a discussion. Arthur didn’t stop him to ask. “And Owain told me that he and Pellinore are going to a football match. Maybe they’ll raise a baby football superstar.” Merlin made a grand gesture with the one hand that wasn’t around Arthur’s shoulder.

Arthur opened his mouth, but then he closed it as he looked around at all the couples in the room. “Merlin, did you introduce everyone I set you up with, with other people?” Maybe Arthur needed more of Merlin’s devil drink. Or maybe less. He wasn’t sure at this point.

“What? Naahhh .” Merlin said. Then he looked around. “I didn’t with Gwaine!” Merlin pointed to the man who was now holding his spoon victoriously. “Gwaine! You’re still single right?”

“You bet your sweet arse I am!” Gwaine yelled back, winking at Percival who, extraordinarily, looked bashful.

Merlin turned back to Arthur with a satisfied grin. “See? Not everyone.”

Arthur raised a dubious eyebrow at him.

Merlin smiled dopily. “Told you I didn’t want to be set up. Silly, silly man.” Then, for some unknown reason, Merlin tapped his fingertip to Arthur’s nose. Then he pulled away and stumbled to the kitchen.

Arthur stared at him bewildered for a long moment before bursting out laughing. Amusement spread all the way through him, much like the way alcohol warmed him. As Merlin stumbled by Gwaine, Arthur saw Gwaine’s hand travel low and pinch Merlin’s ass.

“Oi!” Merlin jumped and burst out laughing again.

“Sorry, Merls. Couldn’t help it. It’s just so cute.”

“Insatiable.” Merlin said, and playfully smacked Gwaine away. “Leave me and my cute ass alone, you slag.”

Arthur frowned. When Arthur had asked Merlin about his date with Gwaine, Merlin had said that Gwaine hadn’t been interested. Maybe he had only meant ‘not interesting in a serious relationship?’ Arthur looked back to Gwaine who was clearly looking at Merlin with delight in his eyes. Arthur’s heart flipped in his chest, feeling his amusement slip away completely. No, Gwaine was definitely interested, and in more than just sex. Surely Merlin saw that? Hadn’t they gone on a date? Merlin had said so, but then again, it seemed that Merlin had also set up everyone else Arthur had introduced him to.

Arthur was soon dragged out of his thoughts by his sister who demanded his opinion as she was adamantly trying to make a point to Leon. (He agreed with her, but as was per usual, he pretended to heartedly disagree with her.)

It wasn’t until later in the night that Arthur caught Gwaine alone in the kitchen. A couple drinks past drunk, Arthur didn’t have his usual filter that would tell him ‘don’t ask, don’t ask, don’t ask.’ Arthur popped open a bottle of beer and slid it across the counter to Gwaine.

“How do you feel about Merlin?” Arthur asked outright.

Gwaine took the beer, while giving Arthur a bemused expression. “You serious, mate?”

“Just curious. He told me that you weren’t interested.”

“He told you that?” Gwaine snorted. “What a liar.”

“So you would be?”

Gwaine rolled his eyes, “Look at him, Arthur. Even with your straight eyes.”

“I know he’s fit, Gwaine, I’m not an idiot.” Arthur snapped. He always hated it when people acted like he hadn’t a clue Merlin was attractive, as if Arthur wasn’t fully aware.

“Look.” Gwaine straightened up, putting a hand on Arthur’s shoulder. “He doesn’t want to go out with anyone. He told me he isn’t ready.”

“ Ready ?” Arthur repeated, utterly confused by the word.

“He’s got his heart stolen and locked away.” Gwaine said with a bit of a drunken slur. Gwaine always started talking like a musing medieval lover when he was drunk.

“Damn it Gwaine, does he fancy someone?” Arthur’s brows pinched together. “Just tell me.”

“There’s a bloke. Unfortunately the man is straight as an arrow, so Merlin’s heart’s a bit trapped. Not sure what Merlin sees in him. But he’s always been there for Merlin, maybe that’s why he loves him so much. They rely on each other.”

“Who has always been there for him?” Arthur stuttered to a stop as he considered every man that Merlin had known for a long time. Who he had relied on. Who was his closest friend.

“Oh.” Arthur’s mind stuttered to a stop, and the loud commotion around them seemed to dwindle into nothing but background noise. He looked down at his own beer, still unopened. As the information entered his sluggish mind, he slowly realized what it all meant. The panic came on so suddenly, he was almost calm.

Was Gwaine just messing with him? Was it only Arthur’s inflated ego, as Merlin called it, that made him think he was the one Gwaine was talking about?

These thoughts were quickly brushed aside with Gwaine’s next words.

“Yeah. ‘ Oh .’” Gwaine said, his tone laced with anger, and the grip he had on Arthur’s shoulder tightened almost painfully. Gwaine huffed and set down his beer bottle, making it clang noisily against the tile counter. “But don’t worry we all know you’re straight. No need to say ‘no homo.’”

“Fuck you.” Arthur snapped, an irrational anger taking over him. He pushed Gwaine’s hand off him.

Arthur rubbed his forehead, feeling the beginnings of a headache. He wanted to blame the beer, but he didn’t think it had anything to do with his drinking. He felt his stomach drop to the floor, and for one terrifying moment he thought he was going to throw up, right then and there. “You’re serious, aren’t you?”

“For once, mate, I’m deadly serious.” Gwaine said, looking it. He stepped into Arthur’s personal space, looking him directly in the eye. Arthur swallowed nervously. “Do us a favor? Let him move on. Some of us want to see him happy.”

Gwaine swept passed him and out the kitchen without anything else said. Now alone, Arthur stood in the center of Merlin’s kitchen with Gwaine’s half-drunk beer bottle beside him and the sounds of his friends through the walls. Arthur’s whole world melted away.

***

Arthur woke up the next morning on Merlin’s couch with a hangover. With a groan, Arthur tilted his head up and saw that he was the only one left. As was usual, after everyone had left, Arthur had helped Merlin to bed and then crashed on his couch. For a moment, Arthur listened to the silent flat until he heard the telltale signs of Merlin’s snores, which only surfaced after a night of heavy drinking. Breathing a sigh of relief that he was alone for now, Arthur got up and made his way to the bathroom.

It wasn’t until after brushing his teeth, a shower, and a cup of coffee with some toast, that the information from the night before hit him for a second time.

He stared at his coffee, like it should look any different this morning than it did the day before.

“Oh god.” He said to himself. He wasn’t sure what emotion was tearing through him. It felt like a lot of different ones, but it also felt like he might just throw up the coffee he had just drunk.

“Fuck.” He threw out the rest of the coffee.

He went into the living area and began to gather dirty glasses and any other trash he saw, hoping the rote tasks would help clear his head. He just needed a few days, he told himself. Maybe in a few days he would understand that Gwaine had been teasing him. Or maybe in a few days, if Gwaine had been right, he would realize that it wasn’t a big deal. But for now, right at this moment, the idea that Merlin had romantic feelings for him felt like a crushing weight on his chest.

“Hey.”

Arthur practically jumped out of his skin at the sound of Merlin’s voice. He turned to see Merlin in a pair of grey sweats and a huge white shirt that slipped over his shoulder, exposing the little freckles that Arthur couldn’t see at the moment, but knew were there.

Merlin gave a small smile. Arthur’s mind scattered into a million pieces.

Shaking himself out of it, Arthur said, “There’s still coffee in the pot.”

“You’re a savior.” Merlin said, drifting down the hall and into the kitchen.

Arthur heard Merlin’s cup clinking down and the coffee pouring into a mug. Arthur stayed put in the hallway, trapped between ignoring this and facing it.

Eventually he walked into the kitchen, dirty dishes set on the counter without a word.

“How long have you been up?” Merlin asked.

“Only a bit.” Arthur said, not looking at him.

“Hm. I have a killer headache.”

“Wonder why.”

Merlin gave a little laugh. Arthur set down a set of painkillers and Merlin took them instantly.

“It was worth it though?”

“Yeah. It was a good time, wasn’t it?” Merlin said to himself. Merlin looked at him, eyes a little red and his face marked with lines from his pillow, looking wonderfully soft and disheveled. and Arthur felt a little nauseous. He wished it was caused by the hangover.

“Gwaine said something last night.” Arthur started.

Merlin smiled, “Oh god, what drunken wisdom did Gwaine bestow upon you?”

“He said you’re in love with me.” Better just come out with it, Arthur thought. Not that he could take it back now.

Merlin’s eyes widened. “Excuse me?”

“Or that your heart is taken. Something like that. Gwaine gets poetic when he’s drunk, but he is not usually one to make shit up.”

Merlin covered his face with both hands, and Arthur was without a clue as to Merlin’s reaction. Maybe Gwaine had been messing with him after all.

“Merlin…” Arthur reached out to take Merlin’s hands away from his face, but Merlin suddenly pulled away. He made a violent motion with his hands, his face red and splotchy.

“That fucking bastard,” Merlin spat. He stomped, like he was about to bolt out of the flat and track down Gwaine so he could pummel him.

Arthur stepped into Merlin’s warpath, “Whoa. Wait a second.”

“That stupid big mouthed drunkard.” Merlin spat, and Arthur realized this was more serious than he thought.

“Whoa, wait a second. What? Can we talk about this?”

“ You ? Want to talk ?” Merlin’s voice raised a few octaves in shock, eying Arthur like he was insane.

Arthur huffed with annoyance, “Obviously there’s something to say. So yes, talk.”

Merlin looked to the door to avoid Arthur’s eyes. “Look, Gwaine exaggerates, especially when drunk. I just told him that you and me, we’re so close that it would be hard for me to have a romantic relationship. I wish he hadn’t said anything.”

Arthur frowned. That’s not what Gwaine had said at all. “So, you don’t want to be as close?”

“No!” Merlin ran a hand through his hair, “That’s not what I meant.”

“Then what did you mean?”

“It means I don’t want to date anyone else.” Merlin snapped. “I just want it to be like it always is with us. You… and me.”

Merlin cringed at his own words. Arthur thought, ‘So Gwaine wasn’t lying.’

“Merlin. I’m...you know I’m straight.” Arthur hated saying that. Saying it felt like saying he didn’t love Merlin, and that was absurd because Merlin was one of the most important people in Arthur’s heart.

“God, don’t you think I know that?” Merlin said, flung his hands in the air with exasperation. “I don’t want to hear it. I know you’re not into men. That’s not what this is about. It’s about how I have confused my emotions for a significant other with my closest friend.”

“So you are.” Arthur said, something sticking in his throat. “You are in love with me.”

Merlin winced.

Arthur had hoped that clarifying these feelings would make them feel better. As if having their emotions out in the open would clear away the pain. That’s what everyone had always told him. Or at least that’s what he had thought they were saying. But talking about it had not made it remotely better.  In the end, Arthur felt worse. Merlin was standing in front of him, arms around his waist like he wanted to curl up and hide right there. Arthur didn’t blame him.

“How long have you felt like this?”

Merlin shrugged. Merlin couldn’t seem to decide if he wanted to keep his eyes on the tiled counters or the doorway, his nearest exit.

After a while Merlin said, “I guess it started after Freya and I broke it off.”

“That long? ” Arthur spluttered. That was over three years ago. What had Merlin been feeling like all this time? What had Arthur been doing to have not noticed? Was he that blind? Fuck, what if they couldn’t move past this?

“I wasn’t fucking pining my heart out for you.” Merlin sounded angry, but then he seemed to deflate looking over his shoulder to the small kitchen window. “I was just thinking that… I just have this feeling deep in my gut that I’ll never love someone like I love you. I don’t care that you’re straight. I just want to be by your side. That’s all I care about.”

“I…” Arthur turned away, not understanding the feeling that rose up in his torso. He pulled in a couple breaths, trying to parse through the emotions roiling in his stomach. He couldn’t explain it, but the itch of intense guilt spread all over him. Was it because he had been so naïve that he had missed the way Merlin felt for him? Was it because he wished he could return the feelings? Why did he feel like shit? Maybe it was the drinking. He was still too light headed from their night of drinking. He should have waited to have this talk when they weren’t hungover.

“I’m sorry.” Arthur said eventually, even though he wanted to say so much more. He wanted to say that he also cared about Merlin. He wanted to say that he always pictured his life with Merlin in it. He wanted to say that he felt the same, but the words were jumbled in his head.

Merlin didn’t say anything for a long time. They were just two figures standing motionless in Merlin’s kitchen, facing away from each other.

“You should go,” Merlin’s voice was low, and Arthur couldn’t tell if it was from anger or melancholy.

“But…” Arthur started to say, trying to say how this didn’t matters How could he explain that he didn’t want this to change anything between them, when it obviously would.

“Maybe you’re right,” Arthur sighed. “I’ll see you later.”

Merlin didn’t say anything, not even a casual ‘yeah’ or ‘maybe next week.’ It made Arthur’s heart plunge even deeper. He grabbed his coat and bag from the living area, and left the flat, trying to sort out why he felt like he had broken both their hearts.

***

The first thing Merlin wanted to do after Arthur left was call Gwaine to yell until he had just as bad a hangover as Merlin. But he didn’t. The first thing he did was shower and then clean the kitchen. It was as if his mind needed something rote to do in order to process all that had happened. He also wanted to cry, but there wasn’t much of a point, even if it felt like he would lose Arthur’s friendship over this. How could they go back when Arthur would be on pins-and-needles now that he knew Merlin had feelings for him?

In the end, he didn’t call Gwaine. He didn’t do anything. He pulled out some ingredients and started to prepare the shop for the upcoming week, and ignored it all.

***

If anyone were to ask, Arthur would say that he wasn’t ignoring Merlin. It just happened that he had had a burst of career ambition and had decided to focus all his time on his work instead of his social life.  His increased workload had no correlation to Merlin.

As Arthur sat in his office at Pendragon Co., he was slowly realizing that he had probably spent more time at work this week than at his own flat.

His phone buzzed, pulling him from his thoughts (which were not about Merlin at all). He clicked open the phone to his friends’ group chat.

When’s dinner tonight? –Elena

7, but come whenever –Gwen

Merlin will. –Gwaine

Hey! –Merlin

Arthur groaned and pushed the phone away. He had forgotten about dinner at Gwen’s. Shit, he didn’t feel like making the trek outside to get take-away let alone eating and socializing with his friends.

He pulled open a message to only Gwen.

Hey, Gwen, I’ve been working on a project all week and I’m exhausted. I can’t make dinner tonight, tell everyone ‘hello’ for me. –Arthur

Aw! Alright we’ll miss you. Feel better –Gwen

Thank you, Gwen . –Arthur

It had not been a lie, so Arthur didn’t feel too guilty about skipping dinner. Everyone skipped every once and awhile. He truly was tired, and the exhaustion had been in part caused by a large project at work that he needed to finish soon if he didn’t want his father breathing down his neck. But missing dinner had nothing to do with Merlin. Arthur was tired, and that always made him horribly anti-social. It had nothing to do with Merlin, who was completely irrelevant to his decision. He told himself this multiple times.

Because Merlin meant the world to Arthur and he would never want to avoid him, even when they fought. As rare as it was, when they did fight, Arthur would always end up at Merlin’s place and even if they argued and argued and argued, it always ended with them reconciling.

It didn’t matter if Arthur’s day had been amazing or terrible; he always went to Merlin at the end of the day. Because that’s what he did. If his day didn’t go well, Merlin would let him rant and complain and pout until he was satisfied. Then Merlin would say something funny to cheer him up, give him the perfect piece of advice, or create a bitterly composed insult that would make Arthur feel vindicated. If his day went well, although it rarely happened without Merlin already by his side, Arthur couldn’t wait to share all the details with him.

What had been gnawing at Arthur all week, when he had let his mind slip into thinking about Merlin, was that they weren’t fighting. Arthur wasn’t the least bit annoyed with Merlin, and he was fairly certain that Merlin was mostly embarrassed about Arthur knowing his feelings. For himself, Arthur couldn’t pinpoint the emotion that was drowning him, but as more and more days passed without seeing Merlin, he couldn’t avoid the overwhelming feeling that he had made a horrible mistake.

***

Two weeks later, Merlin still hadn’t heard from Arthur. Merlin hadn’t been all too shocked that Arthur hadn’t come to Gwen’s dinner, but he was still disheartened by it. Lance had said they were working their asses off on a new project for Pendragon Senior and Arthur was taking it very seriously. Knowing Arthur like he did, Merlin didn’t doubt that if Arthur was stressed, he wouldn’t want to be around anyone until the project was over. Despite that, Merlin was fully aware the timing wasn’t a coincidence.

The following Saturday, Merlin had yet to hear from Arthur and all he could think about was how scared he was that this silence between them was going to be the new status quo. So Merlin didn’t care if he hadn’t finished all his work for the week. He didn’t care that he would still have things to prepare for Sunday. He just wanted to forget that everything had happened and that usually meant two things: alcohol and Gwaine.

“I need a drink.” Merlin said as soon as Gwaine answered his phone.

“Ah. It’s those kinds of nights. I love it.”

“Don’t get too happy, big mouth. This is your fault.”

“Me? What did I do?”

“You know what you did. I haven’t spoken to Arthur since your stunt.” Merlin tried not to sound too forlorn about that, but he didn’t think he succeeded.

Gwaine was quiet on the other end of the phone for a long time before Merlin heard a sigh. “Someone had to get you out of this rut, Merlin.”

“I know why you did it.” Merlin snapped. He was angry, and he didn’t want Gwaine to think otherwise, but he also couldn’t blame Gwaine for what he did. In the same way he knew that Arthur had been setting him up on blind-dates as a way to help Merlin, he knew Gwaine had the same motivation.

“The Rising Sun?” Gwaine offered.

“You’re paying for my first drink.”

“Of course,” Gwaine said and they made plans for meeting at nine o’clock.

When Merlin arrived at the pub, Gwaine already had a row of shots waiting for Merlin, plus a serving of chips.

As a greeting, Merlin downed the first shot without even sitting down first. “You’re forgiven. Now let’s never talk about it again.” He slid into the booth and popped a chip into his mouth.

“Fair.” Gwaine said, “Want to hear about my little sister’s tattoo? Dad almost popped a vein.”

“God yes, please fill me in on your family drama.” Merlin said, knowing that anything to do with Gwaine’s family was a story which would entertain- and distract him- for hours.

They spent the rest of the night drinking and making merry. Merlin was a bit of a lightweight and Gwaine could act sober even after a full night of drinking, but they had fun. The great thing about Gwaine was that, like Merlin, he could make friends with practically anyone. By the end of the night they were playing darts and billiards with half the pub and joking around with strangers like they had known them for years.

Late in the night, or perhaps early in the morning, Merlin waved goodbye to their new friends with Gwaine at his heels. They stumbled down the road, laughing at the way Merlin was humming to himself and tripping over his left foot every other step.

“Can I crash at yours?” Gwaine asked between giggles.

“’Course ya can” Merlin slurred, leaning on Gwaine after a particularly forceful trip on his left foot.

When they arrived outside of Merlin’s shop, it was freezing. If they hadn’t been drunk they might have noticed how cold they were, with their breath puffing up around them like smoke, but the drinks had made them warm and forgetful.

They laughed as Merlin took three times to put his keys in the door.

“’urry up, ma face’s cold.” Gwaine whined, pressing his nose to Merlin’s neck.

Merlin jumped at the cold sensation. “Ah! Christ, don’t do that.”

Finally, they made it up the flight of stairs and into Merlin’s flat.

“Better,” Merlin said, leaning against the door for support with Gwaine right beside him.

Gwaine flipped over so that he faced Merlin with his hands pressed to the door on either side of Merlin’s face. As they tilted together, just watching each other for a long moment, Merlin felt the easiness of a fun night slowly slip away, leaving him unbalanced. Their faces were barely an inch apart, and Merlin could smell the cologne on Gwaine.

They leaned together until their lips touched. They kissed, lips sliding together and their breath puffing between them. Without much thought, Merlin ran his hands into Gwaine’s hair as Gwaine pushed him harder against the door, making it shake a little. Merlin felt his hair rise on end.

Even through a drunken haze Merlin knew it was a good kiss. But Merlin could also feel the edge of some other emotion rise up in his chest, sharp and cold. Somewhere deep inside himself, he knew Gwaine was more invested in this kiss than he was.

“Gwaine,” Merlin pulled away, their lips still brushing. “Gwaine, stop.”

Gwaine pressed another kiss to Merlin’s lips before he pulled away to look Merlin in the eye.

Merlin gave an apologetic smile, more of a grimace really. He could see that Gwaine understood even before Merlin said, “I can’t.”

Gwaine pressed a kiss to Merlin’s cheek, “Alright,” Gwaine paused, leaning his forehead against Merlin’s shoulder. “Alright.”

“I’m sorry.” Merlin said, truly meaning it. He brushed his thumb over Gwaine’s cheek.

“No, none of that,” Gwaine said, his smile soft and his eyes a little shiny. “It was a good kiss. I don’t regret it.”

“I don’t either.” Maybe this had been a step forward. Merlin didn’t know. He was drunk, and too tired to think about it.

Gwaine smiled, “You’re so hard to be angry with, Merls.”

“I’m just an ass, aren’t I?” He smiled, but he wasn’t entirely sure it was convincing. He pulled away and walked down the hall to grab Gwaine a blanket for the night. He was glad he was drunk, otherwise, he thought, he wouldn’t have slept very well at all.

***

The next morning, the doorbell chimed early in the morning.

“Fuck,” Merlin groaned into his pillow, wishing the sound away. It chimed again. “Ugh.” He pulled himself out of bed, completely devoid of any thought other than that his head hurt and the only way to stop the loud noise was to answer the door. That was why he was completely surprised when he opened the door and found Arthur standing there.

“Oh,” Merlin blinked a couple times, as if Arthur was an illusion.

“Hi,” Arthur said, looking a little timid. Merlin was surprised to see him to say the least. Merlin figured that when they were speaking again it would be even more time until Arthur would casually pop by his place.

“Your lower door was open,” Arthur started, rough and awkward, before continuing on. “So I was nearby, running to that weird Sunday market that you like and I was wondering if you had anything you wanted to get? I know they sometimes have the seeds for your herb garden you like.” Arthur said, casual as could be, as if they had been speaking regularly to each other. Maybe it was his way of making amends.

“Oh um,” Merlin’s brain stalled, trying to jumble through a lot of emotions after a very late night.

“You want to come with me? We can have lunch at that pub down the street.” This was definitely a peace offering.

“Oh. Maybe. But not right now? I need to…” Merlin’s struggled for an excuse, because he really didn’t want to explain that he was hungover. But he was cut off by the sound of someone moving around behind him, followed by a voice calling out.

“Hey Merlin, who is it?” Gwaine peered through the door, pressing up against Merlin’s back. Merlin didn’t turn around, but he could tell that Gwaine was shirtless and probably looking like he had just rolled out of bed.

Merlin held his breath, watching as Arthur’s face changed from a genuine smile to a frozen expression, hiding his shock.

Gwaine must have been more hungover than normal or he was outright ignoring Arthur’s discomfort because he just casually said, “Arthur. Come on in, I was just going to start some bacon.”

Arthur’s stilted smile was falling, “That’s alright. I was just dropping by.” It was a complete lie, but Gwaine bought it.

“Suit yourself,” Gwaine’s hand ran over Merlin’s side before pulling away and going into the kitchen. Arthur’s eyes had followed the hand.

As soon as Gwaine was out of sight, not even out of earshot, Merlin said, “Gwaine and I aren’t- We just-”

Arthur interrupted, this time with what seemed to be a genuine smile. “It’s none of my business. Good for you. Gwaine’s a lucky man. If I see anything you like at the market, I’ll grab it for you.” Then he was turning on his heel, running down the stairs and out the downstairs’ door before Merlin could explain.

Merlin stared down the stairs for a long moment. Then he groaned to himself and shut the flat’s door, falling against it with a bang. “Fuck.”

He slid down to the floor and curled his knees up to his chest.

Merlin didn’t want to deal with a single one of the emotions that was running through him. He wished he wasn’t hungover. Again.

He hated to see the obvious discomfort in Arthur’s body language when he saw Gwaine. He wondered if Arthur was unhappy to see that Merlin was no longer swooning over him. He must think now that his queer friend wasn’t fancying him they could go back to being normal. But that was cruel because Arthur was never like that, even when they first met in Uni and Arthur had been a posh asshole. No, Arthur was probably genuinely happy Merlin had found Gwaine. Because he had wanted Merlin to find love, that had been the whole point of the blind date debacle in the first place. Arthur was more than likely thrilled merlin had moved on, and that was like a slice to his very core.

“That bad, huh?”

Merlin tilted his head up from pressing his forehead to his knees, to see Gwaine crouching in front of him.

Merlin felt tears prick at his eyes. He growled as he wiped them away, “Fuck, I don’t want to be sad about this.”

“Oh, Merls. Sometimes we don’t get a choice about what makes us sad. Believe me.” Gwaine sat next to him and wrapped him in his arms. As reluctant as Merlin was to cry, he didn’t have much of a choice. As everything tumbled out, he tucked his head into Gwaine’ shoulder and let the tears come. Merlin knew that it wasn’t fair to Gwaine, who obviously liked Merlin. Using him for such emotional support felt awful.  Gwaine deserved someone whose heart was open to give, and not with someone like Merlin, whose heart belonged to someone who couldn’t give his heart in return.

Nevertheless, he held on and let Gwaine comfort him.

***

Arthur still was reeling from seeing Gwaine in Merlin’s flat.

He wanted to say he was happy that Merlin and Gwaine had hit it off. Only a couple weeks ago Arthur had tried to set them up, so he should have been happy for them, shouldn’t he? But he wasn’t. He wasn’t sure what he was feeling but it sure as hell wasn't a positive emotion.

Arthur hoped Merlin didn’t think Arthur was now uncomfortable around him. But Arthur was forced to admit that after two weeks of obvious avoidance, he had sent that message. Most of all, Arthur worried that because of that message, Merlin had gotten self-righteous and had jumped into bed with Gwaine to prove his feelings for Arthur were inconsequential. But no, Merlin was usually more composed than that. He didn’t act out like Arthur usually did. He must have truly moved on from his feelings for Arthur.

Arthur hated to admit it, but there was a jealous and bitter part of Arthur’s heart that was truly angry. The green monster whispered in his ear that Merlin seemed to have moved on from his infatuation with Arthur rather quickly, hadn’t he?  Maybe he hadn’t felt that much for Arthur at all. That stung, even though logically he knew that he didn’t want Merlin to pine for him because he couldn’t return Merlin’s feelings. Yet he was still feeling extremely annoyed that Merlin no longer fancied him.  Arthur grumbled to himself:, he was an utter asshole. Why wasn’t he overjoyed that Merlin had spent the night with someone who obviously adored him? Wasn’t this the entire point of Arthur’s matchmaking?

Arthur shook his head. He had to push those bitter thoughts aside. He had to push all thoughts of Merlin like that aside. He just had to.

Going down to the market would have taken his mind off Merlin, but instead he skipped it. There was no point if he wasn’t with Merlin. What he did end up doing was texting Morgana.

Most people believed that Arthur and Morgana only tolerated each other, which wasn’t altogether inaccurate. They might have been polar opposites but at the end of the day, they had been through a lot together and they took care of each other. So when Arthur texted, asking if he could talk to her about a problem, it wasn’t all that unusual.

By that afternoon, Arthur and Morgana were sitting at her kitchen table with a cup of tea in front of both of them and Arthur’s favorite biscuits already opened. Arthur had explained the entire thing to Morgana, from the blind dates, to what Gwaine had said, to seeing Gwaine in Merlin’s flat just that morning.

“I’m not sure what you want me to say, Arthur.” Morgana had said after a long pause.

“Well some advise would be nice, Morgana.”

Morgana rapped her manicured nails on the table rhythmically. “Yes I know, but there isn’t anything for you to do. Merlin may still have romantic feelings for you. He may not. But either way: you do not. You two just have to move on. From what you said he might have already.”

“We’re still not right, Morgana. There must be some way to fix this.” Arthur said, holding his head in his hands.

Morgana laughed, “I’m not sure there’s anything to fix, Arthur. You can’t just turn queer to make someone else happy.”

“Ha, isn’t it usually the other way around?”

She smiled, “Suppose so. But my point stands. You can’t change yourself to make others happy.”

Arthur grimaced. He and his sister had argued plenty of times about conforming in order to please others. She knew him too well, and knew that he often put others’ thoughts and feelings before his own. She had snapped at him more than once for bending to their father’s wants, whereas she had always been brave enough to defy him.

“You’ve known Merlin for years, so this better not be gay panic. Because if it is, I swear to god, Arthur, I will tear you a new-”

“No! God, no.” Arthur said quickly before his sister lectured him on sexuality. He wasn’t offended by Merlin’s feelings for him. Yet he couldn’t quite explain the heavy feeling that sat at the bottom of his stomach, like a lead weight he had been carrying around for two weeks. “I’m more angry at myself…”

Her face softened, “You can’t blame yourself for your friend’s more-than-platonic feelings for you.”

“I know. I just feel… off.” Arthur ran a hand through his hair.

Morgana paused, taking a moment to sip her tea. She looked like she was debating whether or not to say something.

“What is it?” He asked.

She sighed, “Arthur…What is this really about?”

Arthur’s brow pinched together. “I told you. Merlin-”

“No, I mean, is this about Merlin or is this about you?” She paused, but when Arthur failed to understand what she meant, she sighed with exasperation. “Arthur, when was the last time you were in a serious relationship?”

“What the hell does that mean?”

She ignored him and continued, rather bluntly, “When was the last time you had sex?”

Arthur spluttered, “ That is none of your business .”

In truth, it had been a very long time since he had had sex, but Morgana didn’t need to know that. It was rare that his relationships went past a first date and he had never personally liked one night stands.

“I asked a simple question.”

“A fucking irrelevant one.”

“Don’t get cross with me.”

“Then don’t use your lawyer voice on me.” She knew how much he hated when she used that tone of voice. He felt like he was on trial, and Morgana was very good at getting convictions. “I’m trying to figure out how to fix things with Merlin, do you want to help or be a pain in my ass?”

Morgana sighed, but she still used that straight to the point tone when she asked, “Do you love Merlin?”

Arthur ground his teeth, “Of course I do. He’s my friend.”

“Then how do you feel about him being with Gwaine?”

“I’m just worried that he and Gwaine are moving quickly.” Arthur answered, but he didn’t dare explain the other more confusing part. He was protective of Merlin’s heart, which was often given easily and was more vulnerable than Arthur’s, which had always been well-guarded.

“So it’s not because you’re jealous of someone else having Merlin?”

Arthur wanted to say no, but he couldn’t honestly tell if that’s what it was or not. Because when Gwaine had put his hand on Merlin’s side, Arthur had wanted to say that he couldn’t do that, that he wasn’t allowed to touch Merlin like that. It was selfish and absurd, but it had been the first thing to rush through his mind.

“Do you think you might find a relationship with Merlin appealing, and the guilt is coming from that? Because you told him you aren’t attracted to him when you are?”

Morgana’s words made Arthur’s mind rush back to a different time, when he was young and still figuring out the world. There was a time when his sexuality was just blooming. He remembered when he had discovered certain desires and immediately had hidden them away, never to be thought upon again. He had barely thought of these desires in almost a decade, until they had resurfaced two weeks ago, with a few words from Gwaine’s drunken mouth.

“I’m not gay, Morgana.” Arthur said, his throat feeling dry.

“I didn’t say that.” Morgana raised a brow.

Arthur avoided her surprised glance, taking a sip of tea to help his throat. It didn’t work.

“Sexuality isn’t black and white.” Morgana continued. “You know that, Arthur. I know you   do.”

Arthur tried to deny what Morgana was telling him, but he couldn’t. Since this began, Arthur had been trying to convince himself that he was upset because Merlin’s feelings had surprised him. He had been trying to deny that it had anything to do with the fact that Arthur’s stomach flipped whenever he thought about what Merlin’s feelings would mean if Arthur was gay.

“I’ve had… well I would call it a passing attraction for men. But I never thought it might mean...” Maybe ‘passing attraction’ wasn’t a good description for the longing he had felt for men, but right now his mind couldn’t conceptualize anything more than fleeting looks. “But this isn’t like that .” Merlin wasn’t just a nice looking man at the pub. He was something else entirely. “I’ve never clicked with anyone like I have with Merlin. It’s eating me up that we’re in this weird place of not-talking-but-not-angry. But just because I care about him doesn’t mean I’m gay, Morgana.”

“Loving someone doesn’t define your sexuality, Arthur.” Morgan said, “Bi, queer, or it could be that gender isn’t the defining factor for you. I don’t know. Let’s just stick with one thing at a time. Do you like the idea of going on a date with Merlin? Having a nice dinner and going to the cinema. ”

“That doesn’t work, we do that all the time-”

She cut him off, “Holding hands, kissing in public, calling him by a pet name.”

Arthur stopped, having to think about that. It took him a moment but eventually he could easily picture taking Merlin’s hand and walking to dinner. He imagined calling Merlin ‘darling’ to greet him and having Merlin curl up by his side as they watched a film on Merlin’s tiny sofa.

“Maybe,” Arthur wondered what it would be like to have Merlin be the one to take Arthur’s hand when they rushed to Gwen’s party or how Merlin’s voice would sound calling Arthur ‘love’ in casual conversations. He swallowed, longing for that relaxed intimacy with Merlin. “Yeah,” Arthur nodded.

“Do you find Merlin attractive? And I don’t mean, ‘oh he has nice eyes’ attractive, I mean, would you have sex with him?”

Arthur’s mind faltered for a second, various images rushing to mind. “I guess.”

Morgana raised a brow, unconvinced.

Arthur felt a rush of heat to his face, “I’m not going to give explicit fantasies to my sister, alright? I know what sex between men entails, and yes, I think I would enjoy having sex with Merlin.”

Morgana gave Arthur a self-satisfied smile, the one she always had when she knew she was about to win a case. At that moment, it sunk in.

Morgana must have seen the dread in his eyes, because she reached out and touched Arthur’s hand. For Morgana, she might as well have engulfed him in a hug and shushed him.

“Arthur, how long have you felt this way?”

“I’m not gay.” Arthur said, almost on rote.

“How many times have you told yourself that?”

Arthur bristled, opening his mouth to correct her, but he stopped. If he were honest with himself, he probably had told himself that a few too many times. He had suppressed a lot of emotions that these last two weeks had brought back with full force. He had forced them to the back of his mind for so long, it was almost like had forgotten they were there at all.

“It’s okay for you to be attracted to men.” She said, too softly to sound like Morgana.

“Of course it is! But it’s not like that.”

“Fuck the labels, Arthur.”  She finally snapped, sounding more like his sister. “Just forget about it right now. It doesn’t fucking matter. Do you or do you not want Merlin? Because he may not be sticking around much longer if you don’t make up your mind, and I’d hate to see you two miss a chance like this.”

Arthur opened his mouth to speak, but closed it when he realized he hadn’t a clue where to go from here.  Arthur felt even more lost than when he came to Morgana.

“What am I supposed to tell him?”

She smiled, “Tell him what you haven’t even been telling yourself.”

***

It was Tuesday evening when Merlin’s phone buzzed with an incoming message.

Can we talk? I’m free tonight –Arthur

Although it seemed like an inconspicuous message, it made Merlin’s heart pop out of his chest with frantic worry. He paced his shop, grateful that no customers were in at that moment. Eventually he just tapped out a simple reply.

Sure. Come over after work –Merlin

The day passed in a blur of work. He kept himself busy, knowing that otherwise he would think too much about Arthur. That didn’t stop his mind though. First he created a whole speech about how he didn’t sleep with Gwaine that night, but then he followed that with a long list of reasons it was none of Arthur’s business whether he slept with Gwaine or not, and then he scratched out all of that and decided it was better to let Arthur talk first and see what he thought of the whole thing.

Merlin was still over-thinking when Arthur walked in the door, exactly at five when Merlin’s shop closed.

“You’re early!” Merlin’s voice was a tad higher pitched. Only a bit. Arthur rarely got out of work at five, let alone earlier than that. At least Merlin hadn’t said something like ‘Gwaine and I didn’t fuck!’ as a greeting.

“Yeah,” Arthur said without any explanation. “I can wait around until you’re done.”

Merlin nodded and continued on his task. As he cleaned up, Arthur silently turned the ‘Open’ sign over to ‘Closed.’ The silence felt wrong, but Merlin wasn’t about to break it. Eventually they made it up to the flat with little else said.

“Want some tea?” Merlin said, already putting the kettle on for himself. He could feel Arthur’s eyes on him, and he was already feeling the need for a soothing drink.

“Yes, thanks very much.” Arthur sounded oddly posh in that moment. He must have been more nervous than Merlin thought.

Merlin made their two cups, milk and sugar for Arthur’s and only sugar for Merlin’s.

They sat at Merlin’s little table in his kitchen, taking their first sips in silence. It felt horrible, being so awkward and stilted with Arthur of all people.

“So, you wanted to talk?” Merlin prompted, hoping that Arthur would start and Merlin would be able to hold back any of the babbling thoughts that had crossed his mind today.

Arthur nodded, looking down at his cup. His hand clenched and unclenched next to the steaming drink, and Merlin watched as Arthur’s brow furrowed. He took a long time to talk, and eventually Merlin couldn’t handle the wait any longer.

“Arthur, if this is about,” He made a vague gesture to himself, “You don’t have to worry about it. We can just be as we always were.”

“What if I don’t want to?” Arthur asked. “What if I want to? What if we could?”

Merlin frowned. “Could what?”

“Be together,” Arthur’s voice was small, sheepish.

Merlin felt the corners of his lips turn down. “Where are you going with this?”

“If you’ve already made a commitment to Gwaine, I don’t want to get in the way of that. I honestly don’t, but if you’re not with him… I would like to go out with you.”

“You’re…you’re joking, right?” Merlin’s stomach dropped.

Arthur shook his head, his hands wrapping around his tea tightly. “I’ve been thinking a lot since you said, well, what you said.” Arthur cleared his throat. “I keep thinking a lot about, well, erm. My own sexuality. I know that I don’t get along with a lot of my own dates and I can never imagine being with them more than a few weeks, let alone thirty years. And, well…”

Merlin felt his stomach drop.  “Arthur, what are you saying?”

“I’m saying I’d like to go out with you.” Arthur said like it was clear as day.

“Arthur. I see where you’re coming from. I do.” Merlin rubbed a hand over his forehead.  He sighed, “But dating a man is not like hanging out with me. As far as physical attraction goes-”

“I’ve slept with a man before.”

Merlin jerked back, feeling his own eyes widen. Merlin watched as Arthur grimaced at his own blunt statement, but he didn’t take it back. Merlin felt so thrown by the statement that the ground might have disappeared from under him and he wouldn’t have noticed the difference.

“I was a bit drunk.” Arthur admitted. “It happened during Uni, the year before I met you.”

“And you… You enjoyed it?”

“Yeah. I did.” Arthur was not looking at him, and dear God, that said a lot more than his words did. He was telling the truth.

Arthur coughed, “I mean, as far as sex goes it was a bit tame, but that’s not the point. I told myself it was just something I did once. You know, ‘uni experimentation’ and all that. I’ve never told anyone. Not even Morgana.” Arthur looked extremely guilty. Merlin knew how close the siblings were, despite appearances.

“Arthur, are you saying you’re gay?”

Arthur winced, “ Fuck if I know . What I’m saying is my sexuality is not as clear cut as I always pretended it was.”

“But you’ve never even suggested…” Merlin pressed his fingers to his temples, “I’m trying to wrap my mind around this.”

Arthur was silent, waiting for Merlin to say something. Unfortunately Merlin couldn’t fathom a thing to say at all. When Merlin failed to speak, Arthur continued.

“You know that I care about you more than anyone else.” Arthur whispered. “I love-”

“Don’t.” Merlin pushed his chair back, its legs screeching against the floor. He stood up, feeling an irrational anger swell in his chest. He felt a little like a cornered animal; scared and unable to do anything but lash out.

“Merlin, I’m wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it.”

“This is different and you know it. Jesus Christ, Arthur. I’m not your easily accessible queer. I’m not just going to jump into your arms because you realized you might be attracted to men. This isn’t a game. This isn’t some fucking date you tricked me into. I’ve been feeling this way for a long time and I will not play along for your belated gay phase.”

Arthur flinched.

“ Fuck ,” Merlin pulled back, regretting his words instantly. “Fuck, that was completely uncalled for.” Merlin covered his face with his hands. “Shit, I didn’t mean that.”

“No, you’re right.” Arthur’s voice wavered. Merlin could see the way he hunched in on himself and Merlin hated himself. “I shouldn’t have assumed you would want...” He stood up, and Merlin panicked as Arthur turned to leave.

“Arthur.”

Arthur shook his head, pulling on his coat. “You deserve someone who knows exactly who they are attracted to. Someone who adores you without any question or hesitation.” Arthur looked up and his icy blue eyes were shining, making Merlin’s heart ache in his chest. Merlin knew exactly who Arthur was talking about.

“I’m not with Gwaine.” Merlin said.

Arthur shook his head. “Doesn’t matter. I’m still not that person.” He was already walking towards the door.

“Wait,” Merlin reached out and took Arthur’s arm. “What are we going to do?”

“I don’t think there’s anything to do,” Arthur removed Merlin’s hand and leaving without another word.

***

When Merlin arrived at Gwen’s place to see all his friends in her living area except for Arthur, Merlin knew he wasn’t late. Arthur wasn’t showing up. Merlin realized it was the second dinner without him, and at that point Merlin wished he hadn’t showed up either. He wondered if this was going to be regular, from here on out. Merlin hoped not. He would hate that he had severed Arthur from his own friends.

“We thought Arthur might be coming with you?” Gwen asked as she kissed his cheek in greeting.

“No,” Merlin said, ignoring her questioning expression in favor of greeting everyone else.

“Is everything alright at work?” Eylan asked Lance, referring to Arthur’s absence.

“Yeah, actually we’ve been doing really well. Arthur let us off early today,” Lance said with his eyes on Merlin. In fact, everyone’s eyes were on Merlin.

“What?” He asked, playing innocent.

Mithian sighed, “What did he do?”

“Arthur didn’t do anything! Jesus, don’t just throw him under the bus.” Merlin said, feeling guilty that even his friends didn’t think to blame him. He had thrown a childish fit right when Arthur had needed him most, and now they weren’t speaking. Again.

“But something did happen?” Gwen asked.

“Nothing happened ,” Merlin emphasized, trying to make everything more casual. All his friends seemed to be frowning with concern. “It’s fine. He’s just not here.”

“Doesn’t seem fine,” Gwaine pointed out. Merlin decided he was a traitor.

“Arthur hardly ever misses dinner, and now twice?” Elena pointed out.

Merlin shrugged, “I don’t know. Why would I know?”

The look everyone was giving him changed from concerned to condescending.

“Don’t be play dumb, Merlin, it doesn’t suit you,” Gwen said.

Elena cut off his protests, by saying “Does it have to do with you fancying the pants off Arthur?”

Merlin choked on air for a moment, “ Elena !”

“What?” She looked around, “Everyone knows, don’t they?”

Everyone looked around, and they found that, yes, they all were well aware of Merlin’s personal secrets. Merlin flung his hands in the air, “ Jesus Christ .”

Mithian said, “You played matchmaker with every date he introduced you to. I don’t think it was that hard to figure out it was because you’d rather date him.”

“That’s not what happened,” Merlin snapped, not liking how everyone seemed to think they knew what was going on.

“That’s exactly what happened,” Lance pointed out.

“God. That’s not the point right now,” Merlin said, “Arthur’s not here and I don’t know why.”

“Something did happen, didn’t it?” Gwen asked more softly, touching his arm lightly, “You didn’t get in a row, did you?” She looked so concerned that Merlin barely contained the truth from spilling out. But he had to think of Arthur. He would not out Arthur before he even knew what he was feeling.

“It’s nothing. It’ll blow over,” Merlin said, trying to appease everyone so they would leave him alone for the rest of the night. “He’ll be here next time, I’m sure of it.”

They didn’t look convinced, but they must have sensed his unease because they didn’t ask again.

***

Are you free tomorrow night? I haven’t seen you in a while. – Gwen

Arthur groaned as he read the text. It was layered with kindness, but Gwen was not so subtly calling him out on missing two dinners in a row. He hadn’t even bothered to text her this last time. He knew that Merlin wouldn’t tell them what had happened, but he knew they couldn’t be unaware that something was off between them.

Work has been busy. I’ll be at the next dinner, I promise. –Arthur

A moment later he received, Lance says your project ended last week. –Gwen

Fuck. He had forgotten they were dating. Before he could answer back, another message came in.

Are you free tomorrow or not? – Gwen

Arthur figured he wasn’t getting out of it, so he typed, Sure, we can go to the pub and catch up . –Arthur

Actually, I had a new restaurant I wanted to try out and this is a good excuse. I’ll send you the address. 7?

7. See you then –Arthur

Arthur should have known it was a trick. After all, it had been a trick of his own invention. But when he arrived at The White Dragon to see Merlin waiting in the winter air with a bright red scarf wound around his neck, Arthur was stunned. He stood frozen, watching Merlin check his phone and rock back and forth on his heels. His chin was tucked into his scarf and the tips of his ears were red.

After a few seconds of processing, Arthur shook himself. Waiting around wasn’t going to make these next moments any easier.

“You wouldn’t happen to be waiting for Gwen, would you?”

Merlin spun around, eyes as wide as an owls’. He seemed to take a moment before suddenly bursting out laughing. Merlin covered his mouth and seemed a bit embarrassed, like he would ever have to censor himself in front of Arthur. He said, “Mithian, actually.”

Arthur gave a tentative smile, “They’ve beaten me at my own game.”

“That they have,” Merlin said. “How does it feel?”

“Awkward.”

“Taste of your own medicine is what it is.” Merlin smiled, and for a second everything was normal. Then Merlin’s smile slowly slipped from his lips. “Arthur…”

Arthur raised his hand, stopping Merlin from speaking. “Wait, before you say anything, let me say this. Talking doesn’t seem to be working out for us. Maybe we should just ignore it for the night. Let’s have dinner, like this month didn’t happen. Just like we always are, just you and me.”

“That sounds like a brilliant idea.”  Visibly relaxing, Merlin said, “Let’s go in, I’ve been freezing my ears off waiting for Mith. You’re late.”

“I’ve been telling you to get earmuffs for years. And no I’m not. It’s not even seven yet.”

“But she said to meet here at half past six!” Merlin exclaimed.

Arthur had to hold in a laugh as he waited for Merlin to slowly realize that their friends had set six-thirty because they knew Merlin would be late, and so they had made arrangements in anticipation.

“Oh my god, what assholes,” Merlin grumbled, but there was a smile on his lips.

“You are always late,” Arthur pointed out.

“I don’t have a clock in my flat.”

“Bad excuse,” Arthur said, as he always did when Merlin said that.

As the waiter saw them to their table and took their orders, Arthur slowly felt the discomfort melt away. It was beginning to feel like just a normal night as they talked about everything and nothing at all. Merlin told Arthur a story about Gwaine’s little sister, which Arthur figured he hadn’t heard yet because he had missed two dinners. Arthur told Merlin about the big project at Pendragon Co. that he had completed, leaving out the part that he had barely slept all that week.

When they finished dinner, Arthur took the check.

“Hey, wait,” Merlin opened his mouth to continue, but Arthur interjected.

“Let me get this. Please?”

The ‘please’ was probably overboard, but it must have gotten to Merlin because he didn’t protest. Maybe paying for both of them was too much like a date for Merlin, but for the same reason, Arthur felt a flutter in his stomach that could only be caused by a mix of anxiety and excitement.

When they stepped outside, walking down the street side by side, Arthur felt emboldened. Maybe it was the fresh crisp air. Maybe it was the way Merlin looked, wrapped in a scarf, pink cheeked and cozy. Maybe Arthur was just feeling more confident about what he wanted, probably for the first time in a very long time.

He took Merlin’s hand in his own.

Immediately Merlin tried to move away. “ Arthur .” Merlin’s tone was more than testy and Arthur knew he was walking on thin ice.

Arthur held Merlin’s hand tighter, pulling him to a stop so that they were face to face.

“Let me show you.”

Arthur wasn’t sure if Merlin would understand his meaning, and he wasn’t sure he would be able to clarify if asked. But Merlin didn’t ask; he only watched Arthur with wary eyes. It couldn’t be lost on Merlin that they were in public, in plain view of the world to see. Arthur’s heart raced, but he wasn’t pulling away any time soon.

A determined look came over Merlin’s face and for a moment Arthur thought he was going to push him away, but then Merlin nodded. “Okay.”

Arthur started walking again, with Merlin beside him. Merlin allowed Arthur to lead the way and Arthur guided them to a small cinema that showed old films. Merlin said nothing as Arthur paid for two tickets and led him inside. His silence continued as Arthur sat them down in a sparsely filled theater. He said nothing, but his body language was screaming, his shoulders up to his ears and his eyes anywhere but Arthur.

As the film began, Arthur leaned and whispered, “Relax, Merlin.”

Merlin didn’t right away, but, Arthur could see out of the corner of his eye that Merlin was paying less and less attention to Arthur, and more and more attention to the film. By the time the credits rolled, Arthur had almost forgotten anything was different between them. Then Merlin turned to him and gave a small smile, a little bit coy, and Arthur’s heart picked up pace again.

“Ready?” Merlin asked.

“Yeah,” Arthur said, standing up and heading out of the theater with Merlin behind him.

When they stood outside again, it was almost midnight and the air had gotten considerable colder. They started walking, if just to keep warm than anything else. They didn’t say much of anything, both lost in their own thoughts. When they arrived in front of Merlin’s place, they realized they had drifted there out of habit. Arthur looked up at the flat, the living room window lit in a golden glow from the lamp Merlin always left on so he wouldn’t trip coming in through the door.

When Merlin stopped at the shop door, he cleared his throat. “I know you said you don’t want to talk, but I’m not sure we can just ignore this forever. And we…”

Arthur stepped closer, into Merlin’s personal space, watching as the words died on Merlin’s lips.

Leaning in, Arthur asked, “Can I come up?”

A little wide-eyed, Merlin closed his mouth and nodded.

In a silence that was far more companionable than the last time Arthur had wanted to talk in Merlin’s flat, they walked up the stairs and pulled off their coats, scarves, and gloves. Without asking Arthur, Merlin opened a bottle of wine and poured them two glasses. Arthur took the glass but didn’t drink any of it. He had a point to prove to himself that he didn’t need alcohol to do what he actually wanted.

Merlin led them to the living area and sat on one side of his sofa. Arthur sat on the other side, though there wasn’t much space between them on such a small sofa. Across from them his eye caught sight of the glass dragon still sitting on Merlin’s mantle.

“I want to apologize about what I said to you,” Merlin started. “I should have been more supportive. You had just told me something very personal and I acted like it was all about me.”

Arthur wasn’t going to lie and say he didn’t appreciate the apology, but he didn’t want Merlin to get the wrong idea.

“Merlin, this is all about you.”

Merlin shook his head, swallowing nervously. “It’s not. Look, we both know how I feel, but your sexuality is about you. God, Arthur, you’ve been keeping that all to yourself for years and I just-”

“No, Merlin, listen.  My sexuality is one matter, but I understood what you meant when you said those things. I practically demanded a date from you because I knew about your feelings for me. I can’t imagine the whiplash you must have felt.”

“Can you blame me for being wary?” Merlin whispered, looking down at his wine instead of Arthur.

“No,” Arthur said, swallowing the hurt that had risen in his throat. “Merlin, these past few weeks, I haven’t been thinking that I should reciprocate your feelings out of sympathy or because it would make you happy. Because we both remember the seduction incident with Vivian, and I never tried to date her even after her fifth love declaration.”

Merlin smiled, although a little uneasy.

Arthur continued with his heart beating like his life was on the line. “I’m attracted to you.”

“Jesus, Arthur.” Merlin looked away, hand on his face as if embarrassed, “We’ve been friends for years. I may not have always had these romantic feelings for you, but I’ve always been attracted to you. I’m not telling you how you feel, but don’t you think that attraction is sudden?”

“Who said it was sudden?” Arthur laughed. “Merlin, this is about you, it is. But this is also about how much I’ve been ignoring my own wants.” Merlin opened his mouth to speak but Arthur cut him off. “Merlin. I haven’t had sex since Sophia.”

Merlin halted and stuttered. “ Sophia? ”

Arthur watched as Merlin calculated in his head. Five years. Arthur had been on plenty of dates with women during the last five years, but he hadn’t had sex with any of them.

“ Christ .” Merlin’s eyes widened.

“None of my dates in the past five years have moved passed kissing. This isn’t sudden, Merlin, it’s been hidden.”

Merlin set his glass on the table, running his fingers through his hair. “Have you, you know? I mean, have you been sleeping with men?”

Arthur shook his head. “Not since the one time in Uni.”

Merlin laughed, although it sounded born out of uneasiness rather than amusement. “Sorry I always thought of you as very straight. I’m still getting used to this.”

“So am I,” Arthur admitted. He had been ignoring any little sign of queer attraction for so long that he felt overwhelmed by it, switching between the nerves in his chest which screamed that he could never have indulge and giddy with excitement to think he could.

They smiled at each other, and Arthur asked the hard question, “Are you worried I’ll change my mind? That I’m not actually interested in you? Or men at all?”

Merlin shook his head. “No, if you say you’re attracted to men then I believe you.”

Arthur set his untouched wine glass on the table and slid over the sofa so that he was right by Merlin. He didn’t pull away which Arthur decided was a very good sign.

“Are you worried it won’t work out between us?” Arthur asked, his voice softer.

“I never even thought you were an option,” Merlin huffed out a shaky laugh. “But if we do this, I know I will be your first relationship with a man and eventually you’ll find someone else.”

Arthur wanted to protest. But right now he couldn’t quell Merlin’s insecurities. He had to say this first. He reached out and took Merlin’s hand, running his thumb over Merlin’s knuckles. Merlin’s fingers curled around his almost reflexively.

“I’m not worried that we won’t last.” Arthur whispered, “I’m terrified that one day we won’t even be friends because of this. But that’s how I know this is right, because I’m not scared of breaking up; I’m scared of losing you.”

Merlin pulled their joined hands towards himself. With his other hand, he trailed a finger over the place where Arthur’s fingers curled between his own. Merlin still didn’t say anything, but there was a tiny curl to his lips, like he was holding back a smile.

“Let me show you?” Arthur repeated his own question from earlier.

Merlin gave a tentative nod, his brows pinched with confusion.

As soon as Merlin nodded, Arthur dipped his head to hover right above Merlin’s lips. He waited a pause, praying Merlin wouldn’t move away, and the. tilted his head and captured Merlin’s lips. Merlin jolted under him, but his lips moved and returned the kiss eagerly. Again and again, he felt Merlin’s rushed breath against his lips and the tightening of their joined hands.

At one point, Arthur pulled back so he could speak, but Merlin barely noticed as he leaned forward to follow Arthur’s lips. The involuntary movement made Arthur release a noise of overwhelming relief. He raised his hands to run his fingers through Merlin’s hair, bringing him even closer.

Eventually, Arthur pulled back again, and this time he pressed his thumb to Merlin’s lips to halt him.

Merlin looked up, dazed with shining eyes. Arthur waited for his reaction, but Merlin just stared at him.

“Say something,” Arthur whispered, his voice strangled with worry as he was desperately hoping not to be rejected again.

“Why did you set me up on those dates?”

Arthur closed his eyes, a huff rushing out of him. He leaned his forehead to Merlin’s.

“I wanted you to be loved,” Arthur breathed out. “I just hadn’t realized that I wanted that person to be me.”

Merlin nudged Arthur’s face with his fingers, tilting their faces so Arthur was looking into Merlin’s eyes. “I wanted that person to be you too.”

This time Merlin was the one to lean in and kiss Arthur.

Sometime later, Arthur’s phone buzzed in his pocket, but he barely felt it over the tingling that rushed through him every time Merlin’s lips touched his.

Hours would pass before Arthur would read the text and answer it with a content smile on his lips.

How was dinner with Merlin? Did you kiss and make up?   –Gwen

Yeah. Something like that .  –Arthur