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“No!” Alec interrupted, slamming a hand down onto his desk. This feeling of irate anger had been chafing his very core. For months on end, this fierce fury had been simmering beneath the surface. He’d tried to ignore it, but with every careless deed Jace committed it only seemed to burn brighter. Each callous remark, every recalcitrant mission; they all culminated in his chest until it felt like he’d expel fire that was hot enough to boil and burn everything around him.
He'd been pushing it down as best he could, knowing that Jace needed time to recover after Lilith possessed him. Hell, Alec needed time to recuperate after the Mother of Demons had taken over his Parabatai. Alec couldn't suppress the bone chilling fear that rushed through his body each time he recalled the vacancy in Jace's eyes quickly followed by the outright hatred that accompanied all of his words. If he was being honest with himself, he had never been more terrified or hopeless. Not when Jace had been captured by Valentine, not when he'd tracked Jace with the Adamas stone, not even when he'd thought Jace's mental health was following the path of his late mother. The only agony that came close to the utter helplessness and fear that coursed through his veins were on the list Alec deemed The Worst Moments of His Life; all of the positions pertained to Magnus in some form; whether it was near death experiences, fights, or time apart, Magnus ruled his heart more than Jace did these days. He still loved his brother, of course, but his patience was wearing thin, and he no longer knew if he could trust Jace, leading them to this current...predicament.
“Excuse me?” Jace has been in the middle of recruiting Alec for an unsanctioned mission with Clary, again, and looked shocked when Alec cut off his ludicrous ramblings.
Alec bristled at the blatant insubordination of his Parabatai and attempted to calm himself down enough to properly articulate just how much he was struggling because of Jace’s rash decisions. Not only had Jace refused to talk about his dealings with Lilith, he'd also been acting recklessly in the field. More so than usual. He'd gotten five fellow Nephilim severely injured in his escapades to avenge the deaths of his late grandmother. On top of that, his unapproved interrogations of Mundanes linked to the ones he had possessed while under Lilith's influence led to dozens of Mundies gravely injured and in desperate need of serious medical attention as well as a good old-fashioned memory wipe. If it was up to Alec, Jace would've been benched right now, but Jace had made a deal with Consul Penhallow, and she insisted that Alec monitor Jace's behavior on and off duty.
Alec shot a quick glance at his Parabatai and had a twisted sense of satisfaction at the fact that, for once in his goddamn life, Jace actually seemed to be listening to him. Maybe he’d even be willing to hear out Alec’s suggestions for treatment and finally confess what was going on with him...
“Clary and I just want to get close enough to the demon to see if he knows anything about Sebastian. Jonathan. Whatever his name is, you know what I mean. C’mon Alec, you have to help us with this,” Jace continued.
...Or not, Alec mused silently. A guy could dream.
“I always help you, Jace,” Alec murmured, pinching the bridge of his nose as he saw Jace gearing up to continue his speech.
“No, you don’t. You need to listen to me Alec— “
And all at once, it was like the iron grip he had on all of his emotions disintegrated and were clawing to get out.
“No! You need to listen to me! You know what Jace? I’ve been here—for you—since day one. Me and you. You and me. I welcomed you into my home. I shared my family with you. I held you while you cried, and I let Mother punish me for countless mistakes that you made! And it was okay, because I knew that you needed that. You needed someone to watch out for you. You needed me,” Alec said, his anger clear in his tone, voice softening at the end until he remembered the words Jace said while possessed.
You heard what he said Alec. He just needed a bed to sleep on and a roof over his head. He didn't really need you a voice in his head murmured. He tried his best to disregard the way his stomach churned at the reminder and told himself that it wasn't really Jace. But maybe it was. His heart was pounding, and he could tell Jace heard the tremor in his voice. Alec supposed that it was the primary reason for Jace not interrupting, for once. He took a deep breath in an effort to calm himself down before he continued.
“You needed me. And then after you got acclimated, I trained with you. I followed you wherever you went. And even after the botched missions you took me on, I still took you as my Parabatai. Even though it scared me shitless. Even though I knew, in the back of my mind, I suspected that it wasn’t going to be a mutually beneficial relationship. Not completely.”
Jace looked like he wanted to protest, but Alec held up a hand, silencing him.
“And yes, those were all my choices. I take full accountability for them, but I don’t think you know what each late-night mission cost me, or the price I had to pay every time you decided to do something foolish and then wait for me to take the blame. Somehow, I began enabling you instead of working with you,” Alec paused, psyching himself up for the conversation they never had but likely needed, “And maybe it was because I thought I was in love with you,” Alec steadfastly overlooked the way Jace’s eyes widen at the confession, and continued, “But I wasn’t. I wasn’t in love with you, and I know that now. Because what I felt for you was envy and hero-worship and admiration that twisted into this painful jab in my chest every time I looked at you.”
He took another deep breath to center himself before continuing.
“When you first came to us, you were the one suffering, and I shouldered the consequences of your actions because I knew you needed a reprieve, a break. But now? I’m the one suffering. I’m suffering, and I have been for a long time, and you aren’t doing a damn thing to share that burden like I’ve done for years. It’d be too much to ask of Mom or Clary or even Izzy, because they didn’t sign up for it. But you? You did.” Alec didn’t care that his hands were gesticulating wildly or that Jace was staring at him like he’d never seen him before.
“Or maybe you didn’t...” Alec murmured, the memories of Jace’s words while he was possessed by Lilith came back in full force, driving a knife into Alec’s already gaping chest.
“Hey! Hey, don’t go there Alec. You and I both know that she was just forcing me to- “
“Admit your darkest secrets? Jace, I’ve been on the other side of dark magic,” Alec ignored Jace’s wince at the mention of Alec’s unpleasant encounter with Iris Rouse and Jocelyn, “Magic can’t create fears or feelings, only bring them closer to the surface. Clary’s mom? I never would’ve killed her, even while possessed, if I didn’t harbor at least some sort of disdain for her. That ledge? I wouldn't have gone up there if there was some part of me, no matter how minute, that felt that way.”
It hurt Alec to mention all of it. The fact that Jace used him. The fact that there was a point in his life where he genuinely could’ve fallen off that ledge on purpose. The fact that Jocelyn Fairchild was dead because of him. But it hurt the most that Jace’s face was consumed with the kind of guilt that can only come from something so shameful that it can’t even be acknowledged aloud. It all hurt. And Alec wanted so desperately to forget everything he’d learnt about Jace is the past few hours. He wanted to erase Lilith form his mind. He wanted to delete Jace’s transgressions from his memory.
He just wanted his goddamn brother back. But more importantly, he just wanted to know where he stood with his Parabatai again. He wanted the Jace that young Alec comforted after nightmares. He longed for the Jace that had helped heal Izzy when she’d tumbled down the stairs at only four years old. He desperately wished for the Jace that had promised to help Alec change the world. He ached for the version of his Parabatai that was compassionate and attuned to the emotions of those around him.
He wanted someone that he could trust again, and who would share the burden. That’s what the few precious days of their youth were, and that’s how young Alec always thought it would be.
What a fool he had been.
“Jace, I’ve given so much up for you, and even though you’ve done such little in return that it’s laughable, I continue to take on your troubles—"
“Oh, so we’re just gonna ignore the fact that I’ve been possessed for Angel knows how long? Alright. You wanna play hardball? That’s fine. I fucking gave up being the Head of the Institute for you, Alec!” Jace interrupted, practically spitting the words out at him as he stood to lean over Alec’s desk.
“I’m grateful that you appointed me as your successor, but can you honestly say that was a completely selfless decision? Being the Head means you would’ve had less time to spend doing whatever with whoever. It would’ve meant making tough decisions. It would have meant you were accountable for everyone in this Institute, and every choice anyone made. You did me a favor, yes, but you really did it for yourself.”
Alec could see Jace was fuming, and for the first time since Jace came into his life, Alec couldn’t find it in himself to care.
“You’re gracious and humble decision to step down as Head doesn’t magically erase the fact that for years I did everything for you while you did nothing in return—"
“I didn’t ask you to do any of that Alec! I didn’t ask you to protect me from Maryse. I didn’t ask you to take the blame for my mistakes. And I certainly didn’t ask you to recover me from the fucking Mother of Demons!” By now Jace was practically leaning over the mahogany desk, his red face getting closer and closer to Alec’s as his hands gripped the edge of the wood with a vice grip. Alec ignored it as best he could.
“Really?” Alec laughed bitterly, “Well thank the angel. I’m so glad you aren’t forcing me to care about you anymore Jace. What a relief,” he said sarcastically, the tendons in his neck popping slightly at the weight of the emotions coursing through him. “Since I have your permission now,” Alec practically spat, “I suppose I’ll just open my end of the Bond then.”
Alec could see in Jace’s face the moment it hit him, how it plowed through the faux-confidence Jace built up during their conversation. It nearly brought him to his knees, his hands shaking as he struggled to meet Alec’s eyes with the force of such anguish and sorrow, and whatever else Alec wasn't willing to identify.
Jace looked like he was gasping for air, the pressure from Alec’s collision of emotions making him feel like concaving in on himself. “Alec, what is this?”
“Oh this? Nothing of tremendous importance. A few years of repression, a little bit of self-hatred, and a dash of being The Great Lightwood Disappointment,” Alec closed his side of the bond. He may be pissed at Jace and hurt by the lack of respect his Parabatai held for him, but he couldn’t find it in himself to watch his brother suffer any more than he already had, even if there was no true danger involved.
It didn’t mean he was letting him off easy, though.
“What you’re feeling was my daily cross to carry, so to speak. Crippling, isn’t it? And this is only a portion of what I felt then. For years, Jace. I hid this from you for years, and you were either too unconcerned to ask why you never felt me as much as you knew I felt you, or you were naive enough to believe that I was perfectly fine as I was.”
“I care for you as much as you claim to care about me, Alec. Don’t try to play the high and mighty card. Not with me, Alec."
“You and I both know that if that were true, you wouldn’t be buckling to your knees at the first second of exposure to my side of the bond.”
It was like they were at a stalemate. Neither moving, neither speaking. Just staring at each other with contempt and concern. Alec belatedly realized that they had never been this at odds with each other. Not when Jace has disobeyed Alec’s direct orders. Not even when Alec had pinned Jace under his seraph blade. No, it was far worse now, and the most painful part was that Alec hadn’t even realized that they were walking such a fine line between friend and foe. And if the words Jace was spewing earlier were any indicator, he hadn’t either.
“Why now? Why are you telling me this now?” Jace asked, finally interrupting the tension-filled silence as he reluctantly sat down in the leather chair opposite Alec’s desk, his jaw clenched, and hands fisted by his sides.
Alec inhaled deeply. It wouldn’t be good for Alec or Jace if all Alec could concentrate on was the pain of his past or present.
Bottling up emotions was far from healthy, and Alec had been trying correct his bad habit ever since he and Magnus officially got back together.
He was getting better at how he regarded himself, and he no longer let one error or small inconvenience ruin his day. He no longer defined himself by his shortcomings. He was getting there.
He just wanted Jace to realize how much it took to do so. How many people were involved in the process and how much perseverance Alec had to have in order to push through the difficult days where he felt like he amounted to nothing or felt unworthy of help. Because, the thing was, Jace had been incrementally distancing himself from Alec far before Lilith even took over. Despite his lack of control over his side of the bond, Jace was no longer letting all his emotions pulse through to Alec, and as much of a relief as it was to no longer experience Jace’s inner turmoil, Alec knew he was distancing himself from everyone that could potentially help him if need be.
This new development was almost as bad as Jace ignoring his duties to be Alec’s Parabatai and unofficial second in command. Something awful was clearly occurring, and it pained Alec to not be able to fix it like he had during their youth. He knew it wasn’t healthy for either of them if Alec smoothed Jace’s issues over for him, but he knew it would be okay to help him find his footing.
“Just tell me what’s going on Jace. I already feel a large portion of it; the sleepless nights, the constant anxiety, and the undercurrent of fear...but that doesn’t mean I can pinpoint what’s going on. You’ve got to let people in Jace. I know it’s scary but— “
“Stop Alec.“
“No! I failed to recognize you were in danger with Lilith, I’m not going to fail you again, not when I can literally feel everything you’re feeling. Everything you’ve ever felt? I’ve experienced it, okay? So, whatever is going on with you, it’s not going to scare me away. I get that you’re not used to utilizing a support system, but this is ridiculous. I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s going on, and we both saw how well that turned out with Lilith.”
“I don’t know what’s going on either!” Jace shouted, his chest rising and falling rapidly as he grit his teeth together. His outburst shocked Alec into silence as he awaited further explanation.
“I don’t. I had no idea what was wrong with me when Lilith came, and I have no idea now, Alec. I was fine one moment, and then I was possessed, and now all of the sudden I’m supposed to be fine again?” Jace’s voice cracked and Alec could feel his anger dissipate in response. “Is that what you wanted to hear? That I’m terrified and I’m crippled by guilt because of everything she had me do? That I can’t remember my whereabouts for extended periods of time? That I made Mundanes kill each other? Or that I can’t close my eyes without being haunted by Jonathan Morgenstern? ‘Cause that’s what’s going on!”
“Yes,” Alec said slowly, “that’s exactly what I wanted to hear.”
Jace’s face contorted in pain and Alec clenched his jaw as Jace visibly flinched away from him.
“Not the fact that you’re suffering, by the angel. I just needed you to know that I’m here. For you. I wish it wasn’t that bad, Jace, but yes. I needed to hear what was going on, even if you can’t give too many details about it. Every piece of information helps, and the more you talk about it, the more you’ll be forced to remember that you’re not alone,” Alec stated calmly.
“But I was. I was alone with her, and I didn’t even know she was there,” Jace whispered with haunted eyes. Alec quickly rose from his seated position behind his desk in favor of placing a hand on Jace’s shoulder, a steady and physical reminder that Alec was right by his side.
His anger had long been replaced by his guilt now, but Alec resolved to not let it interfere with his quest to get Jace feeling like himself again. Here he was again, listening to Jace’s troubles without any support in return, but this time was different. Alec had said his piece, he’d fought to make Jace understand his side. It was all in Jace’s hands now, and Alec refused to feel bad for sharing his feelings with the man that his soul was bound to.
Jace wasn’t perfect.
But Alec wasn’t either.
They’d just have to work through it.
Together.