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“Is it that you don’t love me Remus or that you won’t?” Tonks sighed as she tried to get her head around all the things that were changing in her life. She was busy trying to get all these things straight in her head and it wasn’t made any easier by the fact that she was currently laid up in St Mungo’s Hospital. Two weeks previously she had lost Sirius, one of the last half decent relatives that she had (scratch that – fully decent) and the man in front of her had to be the one to tell her. Just to make her life more fun she had finally confessed her feelings for Remus and had been met with a somewhat confusing response.
He couldn’t believe the conversation that they were having. If truth were told he was smitten with her. He had been trying to deny it since she had joined the Order but had been totally unsuccessful. There were too many problems for him to act on his feelings and he had been content to remain her friend and confidant. Her unexpected declaration of her feelings had surprised him. Although he knew that she cared for him immensely, he had never expected her to reciprocate his feelings, let alone confront him with them. His immediate problem was that he knew that the relationship could never happen.
Quite apart from the fact that there was a war on and either (or both) of them could be dead tomorrow, (a point that had been neatly proven with the death of Emmeline Vance only days before) he knew that there were other dangers to consider. His “little furry problem” as James used to call it meant he felt himself unable to enter into a long-term relationship. He knew he was too old, too set in his ways, too poor and too abnormal to blight her life by entering into a relationship. The problem: how to explain this without losing her friendship or breaking her heart.
He ran his hand through his hair and took a deep breath before speaking. He needed to weigh his words very carefully and he knew it. “Dora” he began “it doesn’t necessarily matter how I feel; anything more than friendship is quite out of the question. I am too poor, too old and too…dangerous for you to shackle yourself to.” Remus continued despite Tonks looking like she was desperate to interrupt. “You are one of the most important people in my life and it would kill me if I lost you, but I am afraid that friendship is all I can offer you.”
Tonks remained still, almost frozen to the spot as a single tear crept down her cheek. For almost the first time in her life she was speechless. The feeling in the pit of her stomach was unimaginable. She had never really cared too much about men before; she had seen them more as an entertaining pass time. Tonks had been in many short-term relationships in the past but she had always done a runner when things looked too close to commitment for comfort. She had really not expected Remus to turn her down, not less avoid answering her question. It was not arrogance on her part; she had genuinely felt something growing between them over the past few months. He had always treated her well and been there to hear her concerns, from work at the ministry, to her concerns for Sirius and all the way to her fear of failing the Order. He had been the one to hold her while she cried after he had told her of the fate that had befallen Sirius at the ministry. He was the one who knew her best.
Tonks was barely aware of the kiss that was planted on the top of her head or the door closing quietly as Remus left the room. She knew that Mad-Eye was outside, playing the role of guard as she was still vulnerable to attack, and she really didn’t want him to hear her crying. She couldn’t believe that Remus had left her; for the first time he wasn’t there when she needed him and bizarrely he was the only one she needed to talk too. This made the feeling worse; he had always been the one that Tonks had turned to when she was feeling upset and now not only was he not there, he was the reason for her pain. Although Tonks knew his reasoning and hadn’t been totally surprised that he had concerns, she had expected him to be able to put them to one side.
The sudden knock at the door made Tonks jump. As the Healer open the door she breathed a small sigh of relief that Moody hadn’t caught her looking so upset. “I’m pleased to tell you Ms. Tonks, that I am discharging you and you are free to go home. Just make sure you take these, and these, and these, as directed and you should be fine. Come back and see us if you need to”.
After he left, Tonks dressed herself slowly and threw the few bits she had into a bag; trying not to remember that it had been Remus who had brought these from her apartment for her. Moody knocked and came in. “Are you going home?” He asked her quite brusquely, “I’m not sure you should be alone. Especially after…well, with Vance…” he seemed quite at a loss. This worried Tonks more than anything; that her mentor, the wizard who had lived through, so much couldn’t talk about his fears.
“Don’t worry Moody,” Tonks replied, trying to be as reassuring as she could “I think I’m going to the Burrow for a few days and then when I’m 100% I’ll pop off home.” The idea of visiting Molly had occurred to her. She had never been too close to her mother and Molly had offered her house space to recuperate when she had come to visit the day before. Molly, adopted mother to assorted waifs and strays when they needed a shoulder, she would be the perfect person for Tonks to talk to. Right now, Tonks needed another opinion and she was also in great need of some tea and sympathy. She glanced in the mirror as she was leaving and noticed her hair had changed to reflect her mood; mousy brown, flat and dull. She briefly considered changing it to something more like her and then realised she didn’t want to. Her hair had reflected her mood in the past and it seemed it would be more fitting to leave it just as it was.
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“I can’t see why he won’t just give it a chance Molly,” muttered Tonks into her cup of tea. She had been staying at the Burrow for two days after she had left the hospital and Molly had been stunned by the change in her. Tonks had gone from literally bounding everywhere she went to being so lethargic she could barely walk up the stairs. Molly knew that love could have a staggering effect on the soul and genuinely felt for the younger woman. Tonks’ hair was lifeless and lank; more worryingly it was a dull mousy brown colour instead of its usual vivid pink hues.
“I know dear,” replied Molly, in her most consoling tone. “He is taking a ridiculous view of this. I spoke to him yesterday at the Order meeting and he just won’t budge. He still feels that he isn’t good enough; you deserve more.”
Tonks frustration burst from her in a very misdirected torrent “BUT I DON’T CARE!” It was rare for Tonks to shout and Molly looked taken aback. “Sorry Molly, it’s really not your fault. I just feel so horrid right now. He won’t take the risk to be with me and although he says he’s the one who’s not good enough I can’t help feeling he just isn’t interested and he’s saying all that to spare my feelings.”
“Molly, we’ve gone over this and I just can’t do it any more.” Tonks looked more defeated then anything; she had gone over this with Molly several times in the last few days and was tired of it. In an attempt to change the topic Tonks asked about Harry; probably the one person who she felt was in a worse state than she was. “Is Harry ok? Have we heard from him?” Tonks was concerned the loss of Sirius would hit Harry harder than anyone. She knew that Remus had been crucified by the loss (for a second time) of his best friend but it hurt her that Harry would be dealing with it all on his own. The thought of Remus going through this without her to help him made Tonks’ heart bleed.
“Harry’s getting better. Ron thinks that he’s realised that it wasn’t his fault. He still needs to be out of that house, the sooner that Dumbledore brings him here the better. Still, only a few days now.” Molly was very much looking forward to the arrival of the boy she considered an extra son.
Tonks sat in silence, staring at the cup before her. “I suppose I need to be gone by then. You’ll need the twin’s room for Harry. Besides, I’ve always been fine on my own before and I don’t want to impose on your hospitality.” She did not feel bitter and was genuinely ready to go home. It was the natural time to be moving back into her own flat and she felt the desperate desire to crawl into her own bed.
“Well dear if you’re sure.” Molly was hesitant to allow the young auror to go back to her own home where she would be alone. If things hadn’t become so complicated between Tonks and Remus she would have suggested he stayed with her for a while, but that was clearly out of the question. It wasn’t that Tonks couldn’t look after herself but she was still so vulnerable to fits of depression and shouldn’t be alone.
“Molly, I need to go home and find my feet again.” Tonks changed approach and moved around the table to give the elder woman a big hug. “I really appreciate what you’ve done for me but I need to get back to work, and you need your house back!”
Tonks left the following morning promising to visit Molly frequently and she had insisted that should Tonks ever be in need of a shoulder she should just drop by, Molly would always be there with tea and sympathy. She went back to work at the Ministry despite warnings from Kingsley that it was much too soon. It hurt to think that there were Death Eaters out there who were free and causing so much pain and suffering. Tonks’ aunt Bellatrix was prime example of a Death Eater that she dearly wished to deal with whenever she had chance. The fact that Bellatrix had murdered Sirius meant that Tonks was even more devoted to tracking her down and putting her back in Azkaban, when she could find the time. A pile of parchment had attacked her desk while she had been off ill and she yet to find the time to clear it. She found it a great bind that her boss Moody had insisted that she sort her desk before she returned to the field. It was also his way of making sure she had time to recuperate fully.
Things had returned to a more even keel and she was feeling a little more on top of things when everything went pear shaped again. It had been weeks since she had seen Remus. The pain hadn’t stopped but at least she had stopped feeling like someone was pulling her heart out through her mouth. That was until she was in Arthur’s office sharing her lunch break when there was a knock at the door.
“Arthur, I was hoping you could…” Remus’ voice trailed away to nothing as he saw the shell-shocked expression on Tonks face. “Oh, I didn’t realise…I thought…I’ll just leave you to your lunch then”
Tonks leapt from her seat. Arthur didn’t think he had ever seen her move faster. “It’s ok, I need to get back to work. See you later Arthur.” Tonks virtually ran down the corridor back to her own office. She was trembling when she shut the door and slumped down to the floor. This was ridiculous; she was NOT some teenage girl who had a fancy that she couldn’t control. The man had been one of her best friends and now she couldn’t even face him. She was stunned to find the door being pushed open behind her and shuffled along the floor to move out the way.
Tonks didn’t move from her position on the floor with her head tucked into her knees. She was very surprised to hear the voice behind her “This really is why we can’t ever be more than friends.” Remus had come to find her.
“What” she snuffled “the fact I’m behaving like a 12 year old or the fact that I can’t even look at you now without being nearly hysterical?”
“Neither” he replied “I just can’t bear to cause you pain and pain is what has resulted. If this continues then we will not be able to see each other at all; I can’t stand to see you so unhappy, knowing I am the cause.
“I don’t want that.” Tonks looked him in the eye for the first time “I can’t even imagine life that way. It just won’t happen.”
“You need to get back to work. I’ll see at the meeting tomorrow. Dumbledore is taking Harry to Molly’s in the morning and then we’re going to talk tomorrow night.” With those words he walked quietly from her office. If Tonks had looked through the glass in the door she would have seen his shoulders slump as he walked the corridor and would have realised a little more about what their situation was doing to him.
Tonks briefly considered her options, she could return home to an empty flat and dinner alone, or she could take Molly up on her invitation and pop ‘round for tea.’ The latter option being much more appealing she decided that she would take advantage of Molly’s hospitality one more time before Harry’s arrival the next day; after all, where better for some tea and sympathy?
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Tonks usually loved Christmas but she was dreading this one. Her parents were away and although she had been invited to the Burrow she couldn’t face it. As much as she loved the kids, she knew that Ginny would see right through her at the moment. Tonks had only just avoided Ginny, Ron and Hermione finding out the truth when she had last visited the Burrow but with Remus there for Christmas, well, it was only a matter of time. Hermione had come to the conclusion that Tonks had been mourning for Sirius and that she had been a little bit in love with him. This worried Tonks slightly – Sirius had been her cousin after all, but it was preferable to them knowing the truth. That was the reason that she had turned down Molly’s invitation and fully expected to spend Christmas doing extra shifts at the ministry while everyone else enjoyed the holiday. Molly hadn’t given up without a fight but the older woman had finally had to admit defeat, Tonks was nothing if not stubborn.
She had been worried about Remus. She knew that he was spending a lot of time living within the werewolf community and was worried about what they might do to him. The werewolves were under the influence of Greyback and many were on the verge of showing outright for Voldemort. If this happened, Remus’ life was in grave danger and…Tonks wouldn’t follow that line of thought anymore, it led to sleepless nights. She was stunned therefore when she arrived at her flat, late, on 24 December to find Remus sat on her sofa.
“What the…” Tonks was stunned to find the intruder sat on her couch; so stunned that she stood frozen to the spot.
“I thought I would pop in and give you your gift, I expected to see you at Molly’s but she said you wouldn’t be joining us.” Remus had stood up as he was speaking.
Tonks, who was still incapable of anything approaching coherent speech, managed to mutter “but…but…but how did you get in?”
Remus replied simply by tapping his nose and whispering guardedly “a magician never reveals his secrets”.
“It’s great to see you,” Tonks exclaimed, “I’m so glad you’re ok,” she added as she hugged him. The whole time he had been gone she had been worried sick about him; a constant knot in her stomach the incessant reminder that he was always in danger. She wanted to know that he was safe, that he was finished with his mission but his tired and worn expression as he dropped back to the sofa told her otherwise. She was so relieved to see him alive and relatively whole that she forgot her panic the last time she had seen him. He placed a small wrapped parcel in her hands, “it isn’t much but I wanted to give you something”. She opened the small, parchment wrapped package to find a small, thin, brown leather bracelet, “I made it myself, I couldn’t...I hadn’t got...well anyway, I should be going”.
Tonks was stirred from her daze, staring at the small bracelet she didn’t think that she had seen anything more perfect, so simple but so representative of the man who gave it.
“Remus, wait. I have something for you to. I didn’t think I’d see you so I haven’t wrapped...” her voice faded as she hurried to her bedroom to retrieve his gift. She returned, suddenly feeling shy as she thrust the small, leather bound volume into his hands. The book was perfect, a first edition of 19 century muggle poetry that she had seen in shop window; she had thought immediately of him. “It’s lovely Dora, thank you,” he whispered. As he flicked through the small book she returned from her small kitchen carrying two glasses and a bottle of firewhisky. Despite his reluctance, Remus agreed to stay for a drink and they slipped back into the old habits of friendship; life before life became complicated. For the first time in a long time she felt happy talking about Sirius, remembering the fun times they had drinking at Grimmauld place; the companionship they had shared. Remus told her stories about their school days and she felt totally at ease for the first time in a long time. As the war and the fear slipped away Tonks felt that maybe, after all, this wouldn’t be such a bad Christmas. Carried away with the reverie of the moment, Tonks leaned forwards and kissed Remus.
For a moment, the world stood still, Remus and Tonks both equally shocked by her actions. Then, slowly, he began to kiss her back, the marauder in him taking over and he allowed himself to feel, just for a moment, what it was like to be a normal man. Sensing her advantage, Tonks, in a moment of surprising stealth, positioned herself so she was straddling his lap. His hands moved to her hair and he cupped her face as he kissed her. The kiss grew increasingly heated as his hands began to roam her body moving to her breasts; she moaned quietly into his mouth. The sound made him snap back to his senses. Pulling away from the kiss with a stunned expression he seemed to have returned to reality. “We can’t...I can’t...taking advantage of...this is...” Tonks recognised where this was going, and sat quietly on the sofa whilst Remus tried to string a sentence. When he finally gave up she said, in a voice that was barely a whisper, “are you leaving then?” He listed his normal reasons; age, poverty, danger before adding in a moment of weakness “I do love you Dora, I just...couldn’t bear to hurt you, and I might. The sight of your mangled body, dead, destroyed by the wolf that consumes me, haunts my nightmares. It’s no longer the moon that the Boggart becomes when it faces me; it’s you, dead on the floor at my feet and I’m the one who killed you.” He stooped and kissed her on the forehead as he headed toward the door, her voice stopped him, quiet but confident as she said “I’m still here Remus, and one day you’ll be brave enough to take the risk and stay”. On that note he walked out of her door.
Tonks realised that she should have been devastated but she couldn’t prevent a smug little grin creasing her lips. She knew that she had made a breakthrough tonight and although her hair was still brown and lank she couldn’t help but feel a little better.
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Standing in the Hospital wing at Hogwarts, Tonks was relieved simply to be alive. The battle downstairs had almost claimed their lives and although she was hurting for poor Bill, it could have been much worse. She looked across at Remus, standing by Bill’s bed looking at the younger man with concern in his eyes. He confirmed for Ron that his brother was unlikely to be a true werewolf, he had not been bitten at the full moon and Greyback had not been transformed when he had done it. It was then Ginny dropped the bombshell that would change all of their lives.
“Ron – Dumbledore’s dead.” Those three simple words, three simple words that had caused Remus, normally so calm and so together to collapse into the nearest chair, his head in his hand; the very picture of despair. The Order was done, without its founder they were leaderless and lost. At that moment it seemed that there was no hope, no light left in the world. Their world was ending; Dumbledore was dead. The whole story came out, the duplicity and treachery of a man they had considered an ally, if not a friend then a colleague that Dumbledore had trusted; it seemed unbelievable to them that Dumbledore could have been wrong but it had cost him his life.
Tonks’ attention was drawn to the scene playing itself out by the bed; the Weasley’s and Fleur had arrived. “You thought I would not weesh to marry him? Or per’aps you ‘oped? What do I care how ‘e looks? I am good looking-enough for both of us, I theenk! All these scars show is zat my ‘usband is brave! And I shall do zat!” Fleur’s outburst made Tonks’ normal public resolve snap. “You see, she still wants to marry him even though he’s been bitten. She doesn’t care! I don’t care either”
“I’ve said all along that you were taking a ridiculous line on this Remus”
“I’m not being ridiculous,” Lupin replied to Molly, “Tonks deserves someone young and whole.” “But she wants you,” added Arthur, “and young and whole men do not necessarily remain so.” He looked sadly at his eldest child lying broken in the hospital bed.
Remus couldn’t take any more; he turned on his heel and walked back to his room at the Three Broomsticks in Hogsmeade. Remus was surprised, an hour later to hear a quiet tapping at the door. He heard a familiar voice respond to his challenge “it’s me Remus; let me in, we need to talk.” He knew there was no point in resisting; he wasn’t sure he wanted to anymore. After the night they’d had he didn’t really want to be alone. He felt the marauder in him growing in strength as he opened the door. It could have been the shock of Dumbledore’s death, the proximity of the full moon only three days away or the lack of will to deny himself what he had so long wanted. As the door opened he pulled Tonks inside and crushed her against the wall kissing her furiously. Tonks squawked in shock before allowing herself to kiss him back. She had expected another battle, another lecture on “too old, too poor and too dangerous”; she had not expected this Remus. The frantic need to be close drove them both; as Tonks moved to unbutton Remus’ shirt she expected him to resist, to stop, to pull away but instead he moved his attentions to her neck; kissing down the length of it and along her collarbone.
Tonks removed his shirt and lightly traced the scars on his chest with her fingers. Remus was surprised that he didn’t shrink away from her touch; instead he moved to pull her tank-top over her head, revealing her pink lacy bra as he did so. He sucked in his breath as he looked at her; shocked at himself for giving in so easily, shocked at her for allowing things to move so fast; ultimately not giving a damn about anything but where this moment was leading to. He had wanted her for so long and he had no idea where he had found the strength to resist her. It had crumbled. As he moved her towards the small single bed in his lonely room he whispered “are you sure?” Her response was clear as she kissed him back with such ferocity that they fell back onto the bed. Remus removed his trousers as she kicked herself free of hers; it seemed strangely fitting that her knickers were bright yellow, clashing horribly with her bra. As Remus’ hands began to explore her body he noticed a second flash of pink; her hair had begun to change back to its normal, fluorescent hue.
Tonks began to explore Remus’ body, doing things that she had dreamed of doing for many a lonely night. She kissed her way down his chest, paying careful attention to the scars that crossed his body. She did everything she could to prove to him that she truly did not care about what he became one night a month, it was him, Remus J Lupin, the man that she had fallen for. Later, as he lost himself inside her he felt like he had come home, a feeling that he had never expected to experience his whole life. He couldn’t believe that this wonderful young woman could give herself to him so completely but she had; it made him feel whole.
Light streamed in through the windows as Remus starred in quiet wonder at the woman lying in his arms. He had been awake for hours but had not had the heart to wake her; he was simply enjoying his surrender; he couldn’t believe he had denied himself these simple pleasures for so long. He made a silent vow to himself; he would die before he let any hurt come to her, even if he would be the cause of it. His nightmares were still there on the fringes of his mind but he knew that they were less important than loving her as she deserved. He vowed to protect from the beast he became; protect her from any harm that might come her way. He felt her stir in her arms as she began to wake. “Morning beautiful,” “morning,” she whispered, huskily in reply. “You’re still here; I thought you might have left.” Her words hurt him but he knew that her fears had been justified. He leaned forward and kissed her tenderly “sorry my darling, you are stuck with me...”