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I knew instantly from our first conversation that you were someone I would have feelings for, we were both fighting our messed-up hearts that were filled with complications, and casually... we found each other.
I just walked out of the classroom, getting into an argument with my best friend, Momo, whom I found out was secretly flirting around (to put it lightly) with my ex-girlfriend, Sana. And of course, I didn't take it that well.... at all. I could hear the teacher yelling at me to come back into the classroom, but my pride said otherwise as I got my backpack and rushed out of the door.
And there you were, with your dark chocolate hair, in that empty hallway of the school, staring at a poster before tearing it apart from the wall and crumbling it with much anger before throwing it into a bin. I couldn't help but approach you.
" What are you doing!? " I whispered, as if you were committing some sort of crime towards the school.
" …Can't you see? I'm taking these posters down. " You said, without turning around to look at me, simply directing your anger at those pieces of paper.
I looked at the posters, they talked about the freedom of each student and how our school was a place for anyone, those type of poster were pretty much scattered all over the school.
Then the sound of my teacher hit me, and unconsciously I grabbed your hand, pulling us into a hiding spot in a storage room. There, we would have our first proper conversation.
" Why were you doing that to these poor posters? "
" It's all rubbish anyway. " You sighed as your body dropped down and your back leaned on the wall. I was sort of happy to not be the only sad soul in this school right now.
" I'm Dahyun, by the way. " I said out of nowhere, because I wanted to know your name.
" Mina. "
" Wait, Myoui Mina? The daughter of that politician that campaigned the school? "
You finally looked at me in the eyes, probably to analyze my sudden attention towards your name. After all, it was no secret that you were one of those kids loaded with cash. A mere nod was your response, your gaze then returned to the stash of posters similar to the ones in the hallway.
" Do you think I could set those on fire...? "
" Oh, sure, you can burn the whole school if you want. After all, it's kind of yours. " I blabbed out, realizing only after that it might not have been the best thing to say.
But thankfully, you didn't take it in a negative way, and instead, you showed me a smile for the first time " It sort of is huh. "
The moment was short lived. The teacher could hear the whispering and opened the door, setting us both up for detention after school. But strangely, I didn't mind at all.
After class, I, for the first time ever, skipped my way towards detention. When was anyone ever happy to be on detention?
As soon as I saw you sitting there wearing a bored look on your face, I realized that I had found someone that peeked my interest after a long time.
I didn't sit right next to you, respecting the fact that you probably needed some personal space, so I took the freedom to be a few desks away from you. When I was in your sight though, your eyes followed me and gave me a quick nod as if to acknowledge my presence. That made me unconsciously smile like a stupid fool.
I tapped on my phone, a friend of mine knew your Instagram and this was probably the best moment to casually request to follow you without seeming like a creepy stalker. Thankfully, you accepted rather quickly and turned around, your bored look turning into a small smile.
Because you were Myoui Mina, the teacher let you go out of detention just by writing a little apology letter, even going out of his way of saying “I won’t tell your father, make sure this never happens again.”
You nodded, because… what else could you do? I already understood you were a girl of few words, and with a father like yours, getting caught in this whole detention stuff was probably the last thing you would want him to know.
Since that day in detention we had met casually a few times, but never actually exchanged any words to each other, I blame that on me though, I knew you weren’t the talkative type, but I was way too scared to approach you and say hi.
Still, it was fun looking for you in a crowd full of people and somehow be able to find you only to exchange a brief smile before we each went our own way.
That's right, it was all like a secret because what was NO secret is that you... had a boyfriend. He was the example of a perfect boyfriend, good looks, good grades, kind personality and from a wealthy family like yours. How would I be of any competition? And most importantly, were you even into girls?
It was not exactly a secret that I swung ‘that way’. After all, I had dated one of the most popular girls at school, and I was pretty sure that even you knew about her. Was my interest completely one-sided? Was I thinking way too much of our little exchange of smiles? I wanted to believe I was special, since usually Myoui Mina barely smiles, even at her own friends.
“You’re thinking way too much, and you should stop before you get too delusional. Not all the girls here are lesbians you know? Just because a person looks at you for a second and smiles out of courtesy it doesn’t have to mean she likes you…” Momo had scolded me while we were out drinking hot bubble tea. I forgave her for trying to flirt with my ex, we came to a conclusion that while we can’t decide who we love, we should both try to NOT go for each other’s exes. It’s not a nice thing.
“But I kind of really like her Momo…” I whined, I won’t say I fall in love easily, but I do get crushes on girls easily, especially pretty ones like Mina.
“What exactly do you like about her anyway? That’s she’s pretty? Did you even talk with her after that poster incident?”
“Yes, I do like her for her pretty face and no, I never talked to her after.”
Momo sighed, tilting her head backwards in frustration, knowing fully well that I was going to get through with this until Mina either rejected me or… actually accepted.
“Don’t say I didn’t warn you after she completely breaks this little crush of yours.”
“I won’t.” I smile, realizing Momo could be completely right about all of this being stupid and stubborn of me.
Turns out, asking Myoui Mina out is really fucking scary. And it’s probably not going to happen as soon as I thought. Screw asking her out, I could not even bring myself to greet her properly, of course I would not be able to ask someone like her out.
But the problem is not really Mina herself, but more like the people around her are really intimidating. Or well, that one person is (her boyfriend).
He’s probably as quiet as Mina, but if there is one word I could describe him with, it’s probably elite. He’s the elite of the elites. And well, it didn’t really surprise me, after all to go out with someone like Myoui Mina being rich, good looking and smart was a given.
All traits that I did not possess.
That’s okay though, some crushes are just meant to be just that, crushes. As much as I wanted to prove to Momo that I could go after Mina, sometimes even I have to let her win I guess.
Except… when it’s Mina herself who talks to me first. That’s right, I was feeling light headed during class today, and once I was making my way out to the infirmary to rest, I bumped to her, fate is a bitch sometimes.
“You…” she said with such a soft tone that it seemed like she was just blowing out air, she proceeded to scan me for a second “What are you doing out here?”
“I’m going to the infirmary, I’m not feeling that well, what about you?” I sigh, this was not the best condition to have a nice (?) conversation with your crush.
She looked around a bit and approached me carefully “Come with me” when she suddenly grabbed me by the wrist and dragged me some place, I just followed quietly, probably because I really am feeling dizzy but most likely because this was a chance in a lifetime to be alone with her once again.
“The storage room is not exactly my idea of comfy.” I smile as she locks us both inside.
Mina turns around and sits on a box while pointing to the one across from hers, probably signaling me to sit too. “This will have to do, sorry.” She said with an apologetic smile, making my heart squeeze with such little effort.
“It’s okay.” I shrug and pretend that the really uncomfortable box was a nice fluffy bed that I could have napped on in the infirmary. “After all, I did drag you here too, the first time we met.”
You giggle, and proceed to change the topic “You’re not going to ask why I dragged you here?”
“I kind of want to, but since you’re one of so few words it's hard to ask you.”
She smiles, her eyes were directed to her thumbs while she played around with those instead of looking straight at me. “I’m the one who dragged you here without your consent, so you can ask all you want.”
Now, that’s poking my curiosity. Indeed, why would she drag me here in a room alone? I did not want to jump to conclusion that would inconvenience my feelings further, so… “Okay, what are we doing here then?”
“Mhh…” Mina crosses her legs and finally looks straight into my eyes “I just wanted someone to be with me while I ditched math.”
I look at her baffled “Really? That’s all?”
She shrugs, then nods “Yep. That’s it.”
That’s too freaking cute.
“I can’t believe you actually became friends with her.”
“That’s right, now you have to treat me choco-pie for a week!” I flash a winner grin at my best friend.
“Remove that smug look on your face.” Momo replies to me a bit pouty and annoyed “Whatever. I still don’t see you two hanging out at school in front of everyone. And I hope that you’re not thinking that this friendship can become something more… right?”
I hummed in response “I’m okay with being friends, the more I talk to her, the more I want to be just more than a random girl she knows.”
“So, you’re fine with being friends… Really?”
“For now. I mean why not? Friends is better than being a girl she casually says hi to, right?” I try to convince myself, because deep down I knew that the more I stood by her side, the deeper this ‘crush’ would turn into actual feelings.
“It’s like you’re creating a trap for yourself if you ask me…” Momo sighs, putting her arm around my shoulder “but I will support you, tell me any way I can help you.”
I smile in relief, it was great to have someone like Momo as my support after all, screw Sana. “Remind me that we’re friends and that she’s a straight girl who has a boyfriend every time I tell you she’s cute or any mushy stuff like that.”
“Will do!”
So… Mina is actually not the type of girl that I had in mind. She skips class, like… a lot. But since her father is what keeps the school open, teachers either always pretend not to see or just make her do little chores without punishing her for any act she commits.
She could literally burn the school down and she would still not be blamed for it. The blame would probably go to any guy secretly smoking in the bathroom.
“How come your grades are so good when you always skip class?” I asked while drinking my yogurt. Sometimes Mina would hang out with me during recess, and as a result I would ditch Momo to eat with her(thankfully she never gets mad at me for it).
You put down your boxed lunch “Ever heard of studying at home?” a giggle, and once again I feel so glad that we’re at a point where Mina can comfortably laugh in front of me and show me her gummy smile.
“I’ve figured you’re smart but wow… anyway, I always wanted to ask… does your mom prepare your boxed lunch?”
Your face turns stiff, then you shake your head “Mom… used to prepare it for me, but now… I guess she barely has the time, so I prepare it myself. She taught me how to cook most of these when I was younger though.”
“Really? It looks super good; can I taste that egg roll?” I say, but my chopsticks already made their way towards the egg roll and into my mouth “Wow! You’re super good at cooking!”
Mina raises an eyebrow “It’s just an eggroll, it’s not that hard…” she smiles “but thank you.”
“Well, I can’t even roll a kimbap, so I think you’re way ahead of me in terms of cooking skills.” I grin, snatching another piece of egg roll.
“Hey! I won’t have anything to eat anymore if you keep eating my stuff.”
“Want my bread?” I laugh while putting out my sweet bread.
She immediately takes it away from my hand and takes a bite out of it “I will.”
“I was kidding! Don’t actually eat it!”
I like Mina. Maybe even too much for my own good, and every day that passes I like her even more than yesterday. How is that even possible?
It wasn’t like I had never fallen in love before, but with Mina it was different somehow… the girl I had previously dated was usually very bright, talkative and bubbly. And while Mina has her moments, most of the time she’s quietly listening to me talking, chuckling at my stupid jokes that usually don’t make anyone laugh.
It gets harder each day that passes. I want to confess, to let her know how she drives me absolutely crazy, yet the only thing I can do is be that friend she occasionally has lunch with and has casual conversations with. Nothing more.
“Can I ask you a weird question?” I say out of nowhere while we were doing homework at the school’s library.
You respond with a hum, eyes still glued to the chemistry book.
“Tell me more about yourself…” I ask, my voice clearly hesitant as you finally look up and direct your vision directly into my eyes.
“That doesn’t sound like a question.” You giggle “Why, do you want to know more about me?”
“Maybe. You know, we’re friends right? Yet I barely know anything about you. I just know what everyone else knows.”
You look at me with an empty expression, or maybe it was another kind, you just seemed so hard to read, I never know what’s on your mind.
“…let me rephrase that Dahyun… why do you want to know more about me? Can’t we just be friends without me telling you about my… ‘life’? “
“B-because… I want to be a friend you can depend on, one that you can tell your secrets to and know that I will keep them, the one you can count on when something happens or you’re feeling down… heck I gave you my phone number, but I still don’t know yours cause you never texted or called me…”
A shocked face, and suddenly a wholehearted laugh escapes from your lips, making the people around look at us with a curious eye (and stern ones telling to keep it down).
“You’re way too interesting Kim Dahyun. If you wanted to text me that bad, you could’ve sent me a dm on Instagram you know!” you say while wiping the tears that formed in your eyes from the laughter.
But I can’t call you on Instagram.
“Well, yeah… But I wanted your number, you know, usually when someone gives you their number you give yours back. But you just said ‘oh, cool’ and saved mine without giving yours… I’ve been expecting a text or a call for so long, but nothing came…” I pout, and you gently start patting my head.
“There, there. I’m sorry, I just don’t use my phone that much.”
“It’s cool…”
That night, a text from you arrived, I never knew that one simple text could cause me to smile like a fool this much, the effect you had on me was incredible.
This is Mina.
I’m sorry for not texting… but here’s my number,
Goodnight ^^
It was so formal, so much like you, and I found it funny how a text could tell you so much about a person.
Apparently being forward was a good choice, after the whole ‘I kinda really want your number’ accident, Mina opened up to me even more. We started texting every morning, and every night, you could almost mistake us a couple (I wish).
The first phone conversation was awkward. Because I wanted to hear your voice, I made a terrible excuse just to call you (even though the excuse seemed to work).
It felt like no one was on the other side of the phone, I talked most of the time, but just the little laughs you made were enough to make me smile.
“You’re fucked.” Momo said to me with a sigh.
“How come?”
“I’ve been your best friend for a very long time, and the only time I ever saw you so invested in a girl it didn’t end up nicely... I would support you but your new crush is really straight and really out of most people league… especially girls like us, oh and did I mention she has a boyfriend?”
It was like a stern slap on my face about the reality that is how unreachable Mina is. I almost wanted to say ‘You’re wrong’, but Momo wasn’t. She was right, I was digging a hole for myself, and each day that passed the hole kept getting deeper and deeper. But what was I supposed to do? Nothing? I like Mina, I really do.
“Then… what should I do?” I breathe out, my heart clenching at the thought of how everything was going to change.
“…confess. Get rejected, or get together, but one of the two has to happen sooner or later.”
“Does it? Can’t we just be friends?”
Momo laughs, the sarcastic kind of laugh “Sure, if you can do that you’re welcome to.”
“I can.” I try to convince myself, once again. I can do it.
Holiday break, we decide to see each other to hang out at the mall and study at Mina’s house afterwards. I always knew you were rich, but when you literally came to my house with a Mercedes as if it was very normal looking I almost wanted to just commute by public transportation.
“C’mon, it’s not that expensive, I never take those cars out.”
I cough in shock “Wait so this is not your most expensive one?”
You shake your head “Well, none of the cars are technically mine, but my father lets me use them, this is one on the lower range in terms of cost.” you giggle at my shocked face “so are you gonna hop on or you want to look like a fish all day?”
“What do you mean by ‘looking like a fish’. excuse me.” I enter the car looking offended and carefully put on the seatbelt, fearing I might somehow ruin the car and have to work as a slave for the Myoui’s all my life to repay the cost of whatever I might break.
“You made a face that looked like a fish, you know how they open their mouths very big? Just like that.” You chuckle and start driving off to the mall.
I could look like a fish the whole day, if it was the price to see your beautiful smile. I wanted to say out loud, but of course I didn’t have the courage to say any of those cheesy words.
After I told you some random stories of how Momo managed to drop the new phone she had bought the week before, I decided that maybe I could dive even deeper into Mina’s world.
“So, I’ve been wanting to ask for the longest time, why were you tearing those posters down the first time I met you?” I ask, hesitant.
Your face flinches for a second, and if it wasn’t for the fact that I was staring at you through the rear mirror, I probably wouldn’t have caught that on “Oh… that… Let’s just say I don’t really get along with my father and those posters were his idea.”
“Freedom to all student, was it?”
You nod, a bittersweet smile on your face “Except… it includes all the students but me.”
“How come?” I inch closer.
You tightly grip the driving wheel, and for the first time ever I saw the uncomfortable face in you. “I would prefer not to talk about it…”
“Yeah, I’m sorry for asking.” I guess you didn’t trust me enough to tell me about your family and your problems for now. I still wasn’t that friend for you. But that was okay, one step at a time.
When we arrived and looked around the mall, the first 20 minutes were probably one of the most awkward 20 minutes of my life, the tense atmosphere caused by my curiosity earlier in the car managed to completely ruin the mood.
But I was not about to waste a precious date (at least that’s what I want to call it) with you like this, and somehow managed to cheer you up with your favorite things.
Games at the arcade, ice coffee and a good movie.
You went back to be the cheerful (but kind of quiet) Myoui Mina.
About 4 hours later, we finished shopping, you had a total of 3 bags while I only bought 2 t-shirts on sale, being rich is indeed nice.
“Do you change your clothes every year?”
You shake your head “Not really, I keep most of my clothes, I only donate them to charity when I know I will never wear them again or if they don’t fit anymore.”
We were now at the Myoui’s mansion. Fancy was not the exact word the describe the place, luxurious was putting it lightly, it felt like being in a house you only see in movies. Heck, famous singers could probably live next door.
I look around the house, there was no sign of anyone else being in here “Are we alone? What about your parents?”
“My mom is… out for work. And my dad… he’s never really at home, returns from work late at night and goes away in the early morning. The only person you could probably see is our house maid, but she’s cleaning upstairs I think.” You said sounding kind of sad but changed the topic before I could say anything “Feel free to sit here, I’ll just put the bags in my room.”
I nod, making myself comfortable and taking out my math book. Ugh. Math.
Maybe I’m being really nosy, actually, I’m being nosy for sure. But I can’t refrain from looking around. What catches my eyes are pictures of you when you were little, with your family and with a boy who I recognize being your boyfriend. I didn’t know you two were childhood friends.
Your mother looked gentle, just like you, and your dad super happy, you wouldn’t imagine that the people in the photos would have problems.
“What are you looking at?” I hear your voice behind me, thankfully it didn’t look like you were upset by my nosy action.
“Pictures, who’s this?” I point at the guy, who I know is her boyfriend, but I still want to hear it from her.
“Oh… you’ve met him. Sungjae, my boyfriend.”
We’ve never really talked about relationship. But everyone knew the two of you were together, and even though I always knew, hearing it directly from you still felt like a million swords repeatedly stabbed my heart.
I press my lips together “Really? So, you’ve known each other since you were children… so when did the two of you get together?”
“Well, our parents really get along, so you could say they set us up. We didn’t object since there wasn’t anyone we were really interested in and we are in good terms.” You shrug, and I hold on into that tiny bit of hope that perhaps one day you two will fall in love with other people. That you would fall in love with me.
“Well, alright, back to math teacher Myoui!”
We sat in the Myoui’s living room for a good 2 hours, math is not as bad when you’re being taught by a very pretty teacher. I could give less of a shit to functions and derivates when Mina is so close and patient while teaching a dumbass like me how to do all of it.
Suddenly, the sound of keys interrupts us and two people who look like Mina’s dad and… a woman who is not Mina’s mom come in, looking at us surprised.
“Oh, Mina, I didn’t know you were bringing friends over.” He smiles, I didn’t see any ill intentions or mean behavior in him… but of course, he wasn’t going to show me that.
“We’re studying for a test…” I look at Mina, it was the first time I saw her shrink like that, she looked mad, fist clenching, and yet unable to look at her father directly in the eyes as she told him that.
“Okay. We’re having a meeting in my office.”
“Okay dad.”
The woman smiles at both of us, she didn’t seem like a mean person, a snob, or whatever. But if she wasn’t Mina’s mom… who? A mistress? The whole reason the house is falling apart?
“I think we should end the studying session here.” You fake a smile, I’ve seen that so many times at school.
I nod, not wanting to ask anything else. I pack my things while looking at you, who was emptily staring at the office door on the second floor.
You walk me out of the mansion in silence, I kept staring at you, hoping you would’ve said something without me forcing it out of you.
But you never did.
“I’ll drive you back home.” Is the first thing you say.
“Actually… can I drive?”
You look at me confused “Why?”
“I’ve always wanted to drive a car like this, I promise I won’t break it.”
A chuckle, grim eyes finally turning just a bit bright, you don’t hesitate at all when giving me the keys to the very expensive car.
“Where are you taking me?”
“To distract yourself for a bit. In my favorite place.”
She smiles “What kind of place is it?”
I grin “You’ll see. Also, be honored! You’re the only person I show it to.”
“Even Momo hasn’t been there?”
“Yep. It’s a place I like to visit when I want to think… or relax.”
No more questions were asked after, we just silently listened to the radio, with me driving and you curiously looking outside the window as we slowly reached a place you had never seen before.
“I’ve never been to this side of town.”
“Wanna hear how I discovered this place?” I chuckle at the thought of it.
“How?” You ask, still gazing around the unfamiliar road.
“I got lost.”
Mina turns around very quickly, giving me a stunned but amused look “You… got lost.” She repeated in a sarcastic way.
“Yep. I know it sounds like I made it up but that’s what happens when you follow a broken gps!”
Mina giggles, finally relaxing on the seat, her head resting on the window while her eyes remain fixated on me.
“Tell me more.” She says, “Tell me more about you.”
I hated the idea to ruin the mood, but we had arrived at our destination.
“I will. But first, let’s get out of the car.”
The moment we get out of the car, I can see Mina’s eyes light up in fascination. In front of us was one of the best view our town could offer. You could see everything, the school we attended, my house, Mina’s house, the mall we were at earlier… everything.
“They always say this in movies, but it really is fascinating how tiny people… and problems can look when you look at it from this kind of point of view.” Mina smiles, it’s a bittersweet kind of smile.
“Or, that you have a whole world out there, so don’t be sad about the 1% you see every day.” I add, she knows what I’m referring to. “Well, let’s sit.” I point to the bench a few steps from us.
After we sit, Mina still stares at the view in complete awe.
“Sana’s house, you know, my ex-girlfriend, is near this place.” I interrupt, and she simply looks at me as if signaling to continue my story. “I escaped from my home, and was supposed to sleep at her place, but because I had a broken gps and I was pretty upset, I ended up here. Then I realized how pretty it was, and just sat here for a good 30 minutes before calling Sana. It’s not exactly the same thing you’re going through, but I kept thinking and thinking about why… certain things are the way they are.”
I glance at my side, and see Mina attentively staring at me “What… upset you?”
I sigh “It’s a long story.”
“We’re already here… let’s open up to each other, like you always say.” She smiles.
“Fine. But I’m looking forward to hearing your story too. Promise me you will tell.”
“Of course, I will.”
I cross my legs and look at the view. The sun was already coming down, but in the distance, I could still see my house clearly.
“Well, first, even though I never told you, and I don’t know if you realized… I’m… lesbian.”
Mina looked at me with sincere eyes but took a few heartbeats to absorb the information.
“I… m-maybe… I knew. But, I didn’t know if it was actually… like that.”
I smile, trying to hide my panic, but my trembling voice easily gave me away “Does it bother you?”
“No. Not at all.” She says with much certainty, which felt refreshing and eased a weight off my shoulders. “Go on.” she continues.
Slowly, I told Mina the story of my coming out, to my parents.
At that point, I had been dating Sana (who was someone I was interested in since forever) for about 3 months. Even though I had dated a few boys before that, I realized that it was just a way to convince myself that I was straight, that I was ‘normal’ as my parents told me.
I was raised in a Christian house; my parents firmly believe in God and all that religious stuff. I never had a choice when I was little but to be a ‘Christian’ myself.
When I first realized I was attracted to girls, it was too unfamiliar, I thought it was just a hint that I wanted to be friends, but then I realized that wanting to kiss your friend, to hold their hand and interlock fingers, to want to touch them… it was different. It was not friendship.
I panicked. It’s not like my parents hated gay people, they let them be, but when it came to their own daughter… it was a different story, of course they wouldn’t accept it that easily. So, I had decided to keep it a secret, maybe this attractions towards girls would’ve stopped sooner or later.
It didn’t. And that’s when I met Sana. She was everything I hoped I could be, openly lesbian, dating all the cute girls she wanted (none were as beautiful as she was). And even though she was beautiful, and people often insulted her for liking girls she never let that stop her be who she was.
Turns out, she was interested in me too. We casually met in a library (at least that what she said, I know for a fact she was waiting for me there) and from there on, we started to talk every day. She helped me build up my confidence and eventually confessed to me. I accepted, of course.
3 months later, I decided it was time to come out in front of my parents. Sneaking in and out of the house and pretending Sana was just ‘a friend’ who came over almost everyday was becoming tiring. It felt like I was lying to them.
After much contemplation and trying my best not to be scared about it, I told my parents.
Long story short… they didn’t react that well.
You just haven’t found the right boy yet.
It’s just a phase.
It’s Sana’s fault, please stop hanging out with her, she puts weird ideas in your head.
They told me everything and anything but the one thing I wanted to hear. I accept you. I accept your preference, I know you can’t choose who you love. Is all I wanted to hear.
So, I left the house, and went to live with Sana for a few weeks, my parents never tried to contact me. I started to wonder why me liking girls was that bad, why it was so wrong, I couldn’t understand why they disliked the way I was so much to the point of not caring about me even if I left the house.
It took them exactly 3 weeks and 2 days to finally call me.
Fine, do whatever you want, date whoever you want, just come back home.
“Till this day, they don’t fully approve, but they don’t forbid me to date girls either.”
“That must’ve been hard… I admire you for going through with it without letting them tell you what to do... Or who you should be.” Mina smiles.
“Yeah… now, what about you? What’s the deal?”
Mina curls her legs up to her chin while embracing them. “My mom, the one that you saw in the pictures, she died about 3 years ago.”
I’m sorry for asking. Is what I wanted to tell her, but I knew that right now, more than someone pitying her, Mina needed someone to listen to her.
I listened in silence as she told me about how after her mother’s incident, everything in her house changed.
Even though her father never said anything, she knew he was blaming her, because she was the one her mother was going to pick up after work, before a car who was speeding up hit her. After her mother’s dead, he never directly looked at her, it took him about a year.
Then, he started to be the father she knew again, trying his best to be a single father for her, working his hardest to maintain her and give her a good education, gifting her whatever she wanted when she got 1st place in her class. They were being a family again.
Until he brought a new woman at home; the same one I saw earlier in their house.
At first, she didn’t think much about it, but then her ‘meetings’ with him started to increase, she’d be meeting him every single day for about 2 hours. That’s when he started to change, he was becoming sterner, he let that woman command him.
“It’s like she’s using him for his money, but he’s using her to fill the emptiness mom left him.”
I take a glimpse at her and envelop her in a warm hug. She doesn’t reject me and just stands there still, letting out a sigh as she stares at the sun slowly go away.
“Thank you, Dahyun.” Are the last words she says before she drives me home.
Everything changes, we change. I had finally become ‘that friend’ for Mina. I felt closer to her, and she did too.
It felt good, to be needed like this, I wondered if Sana felt like this back when I depended on her so much.
Months were passing by, our bond only getting stronger, my feelings only growing deeper. Mina had reached a point where she was so comfortable with me, she told me a lot of personal stuff she had never told anyone else.
We spent almost every single day together, she taught me the recipes her mom cooked for her, she often tutored me whenever I was about to fail a subject and I in my own ways managed to help her too, whenever her dad came home, she would call me on the phone and I would be there in front of her house as soon as possible, taking her to what became ‘our’ hiding spot.
It all felt so perfect, sometimes I thought there wasn’t anything more that I could ever want. Then I realized.
This can’t go on.
It was impossible after all, just saying your name made my heart go crazy, just seeing your smile for a brief second made my stomach tingly, just hearing your voice over the phone made me think of your lips and how much I wanted to kiss them.
I need to confess.
I thought with much naivety, thinking I had a chance. It took almost a month for me to gather my courage and finally reveal it all… except that I forgot, or maybe I just wanted to forget that you were in a relationship. I wanted to forget that even though I finally became a precious friend for you, you never saw me as something more than that.
As I was searching for you throughout the school to finally reveal it all, I saw you on the courtyard, with your boyfriend, walking next to him as you happily told him something and he looked at you with those gentle eyes.
I couldn’t find any fault in him, he wasn’t a stuck up rich kid, the few times I hanged out with him because you introduced us he actually treated me nicely.
He was perfect for you; how could I ruin that?
Then you two stopped, it was like a scene in a romantic movie, he enveloped you in a quick hug. A gentle breeze passed by and you two parted, it was the first time I saw Mina that happy.
If it was someone else, I probably would’ve laughed at how cute the scene was. But it was Mina, and what seemed like a romantic movie, for me turned into tragedy. Hell.
I wanted to leave, I couldn’t bear it anymore, but my feet were stuck, it was like my whole body paralyzed and I could only move my arms, that I soon pressed on my face as tears kept flowing down.
I want to go back, to the time I fought with Momo so that I can never leave that class, so that I would never meet you and have to go through this shit.
“D-Dahyun? What are you doing there?” Your voice wakes me up, you saw me, but that was no surprise since I didn’t even put in the effort to hide. “Wait… are you crying? What’s going on??”
“Dahyun, are you okay?” your boyfriend gently asked while wiping my tears with his handkerchief.
And I despised him, don’t be nice to me, make me hate you, make me find a reason to despise you. To break you two up.
“Yeah, I’m okay, just got really bad cramps.”
“Want us to take you to the infirmary?” He looked genuinely concerned.
I bite the inside of my lips “Nah, I’ll manage. Thank you though.” I force a smile out of my face, and he nods while taking a step back.
Mina doesn’t buy it though “Sungjae, go back, don’t worry, I’ll take her to the infirmary I think… girl’s problems is what’s going on in here.”
He puts his left arm in front of his cheeks, probably trying to hide his flustered face “O-oh… right. I’m sorry I’m slow with umh... yeah. See you later Mina, Dahyun.”
You didn’t take me in the infirmary, but to an isolated spot in the school. Our first meeting spot.
“Brings back memories.” You chuckle, sitting in a box and signaling me to sit across, much like our 2nd conversation.
“Can’t believe it has been almost a full year, a lot has changed…” I look around the storage room. The famous posters she despised so much were gone.
“Oh, I burned those.” You chuckle “Or at least I wish I did.”
There’s a moment of silence, it felt like the longest minute ever, I knew you wanted something out of me and I knew that if the conversation was going as I was predicting, then…
“So, what’s going on? I think we’ve become close enough for me to tell that you’re not okay and it’s not simply you’re being on your period and having cramps.”
I gulp, my entire body freezes, my hands turn cold, the air in the room slowly goes away or perhaps that was me being unable to breathe properly.
“I’m in love.” I said, my voice cracking, my head instantly regretting the words.
And Mina looked at me “Why are you crying over it? Isn’t that a nice thing? After the whole Sana situation being in a relationship with someone could make you even happier than you are right now!”
She told me, all serious. I wondered if she ever came to realize my feelings for her after almost a year we spent together. Oh, how much have I endured in all these months.
I don’t know how I managed, but I kept telling myself that I could do it. That I could be Mina’s friend without asking for anything more. But I was wrong, the longer this whole ‘being your best friend when in fact I just want to be so much more’ façade kept going, the more I destroyed myself.
“Hey, Mina…”
She hummed, sounding so angelic, so near yet so far and out of my reach. And for a moment, I didn’t want to care that I wanted her so much. I wanted to forget that I was supposed to see her only as a friend, that I was supposed to ignore my stupid feelings so that I wouldn’t get hurt. But it didn’t work like that.
“I think we should stop hanging out.” I say flat out.
Mina blinked a few times, then she quickly looked at me with a confused expression “That was really random… why…? Did I say something wrong?”
“No... not really. But I’ll tell you my answer to your question… for me, being in love with this person has been a torture. I wanted to stay by this person side at all cost, even if it meant lying to myself for almost a whole year. And every time I thought that I should just stop and talk about my feelings, just one smile from her, a text, a quick call or fuck, even her saying my name is enough to drive me absolutely crazy. I kept thinking that yeah, this is better than nothing… when in fact I just keep falling harder and harder to the point of me slowly getting hurt every time we’re together. It seriously feels like it has come to a point where it’s… not healthy.”
I glance at Mina. I knew she wasn’t that slow, she immediately knew I was talking about her. But she couldn’t say anything, the room was only filled with deep breathes.
“This is about me… right?” she asks, to confirm.
“Yeah…”
I see her bite her lips and closing her eyes as she brushes her hair back, her hand shaking.
“…I’m sorry.” is all she says in a low voice.
Rejection.
I knew it. I always knew it, but I thought I was ready, when in fact this hurt more than I thought it would. Everything, every single moment suddenly felt like such a waste of time. I wanted to say something, get mad, ask the reason, but the words were stuck in my throat, my vision slowly started getting blurry.
I put a hand in my heart, trying to ease the thumping pain, and Mina puts her hand on my back, trying to soothe me with no avail.
“I can’t be with you in that way… but please don’t leave me Dahyun… I need you…”
I look at her, she was crying, why was she the one who was crying when I’m the one who got rejected?
“That’s asking too much Mina… I’m already at my limit. Anymore than this, the more that I stay by your side… it’s impossible.”
“But why can’t we just be friends? Are you really going to cut off everything we did together up until now? Are you really giving it up?”
I hear steps outside, someone must’ve heard us.
I look at Mina directly in the eyes, wiping her tears “I’ve tried being your friend for all these months… but I can’t do it anymore. It’s eating me up. I feel miserable. Please, let me go.”
The teacher opens the door, but I don’t care about him scolding us, I immediately stand up and leave towards the bathroom stall, barely breathing and crying my heart out.
It hurts, it fucking hurts.
“I don’t want to fall in love anymore.”
You know that feeling when you meet someone, and you know they’re going to somehow change your life at the most unexpected time and in the most unexpected way? That was Dahyun for me.
I never told her before, but there was a time I met her before our fated encounter in the hallway. I remember it exactly, that one Autumn day, the day I met her.
Sometimes I wonder what exactly enchanted me about her, what made my eye notice one person out of all the people out there. Then the image of Dahyun pops in my mind, and it’s so clear, as naïve and cliched it was, I just thought you were beautiful.
I remember sitting in that café, and seeing you happily order your frappucino at the counter, something about your bright voice just tickled my senses and then your beautiful smile managed to make me gaze at you as if you were some kind of unique flower in a field filled with common ones.
You know how sometimes you see someone and you just feel how ethereal that person is? That’s the feeling I got. But like every similar encounter, going to talk to you was out of question, it’s not like I had any reason to, plus it was totally out of my character.
“I wonder if she’s a regular here…” I murmur by myself as I look at her once more and proceed to leave the café.
I quietly drink my coffee outside of the building, feeling the cold autumn breeze hit my face as I envelop my scarf around my neck.
“Ah, hello? Yeah, I’m sorry! There was just such a long line and you know how I am, I don’t want to give up my frappucinos.”
When I turn my attention to the familiar voice, I see you once again with a troubled expression on your face, I knew for a fact that you were lying to whoever you were talking to since there was no line whatsoever.
I grinned, one mere overheard conversation made you become even more charming.
After that, I only saw you occasionally in that same cafè, and maybe it was unconsciously, but I was always waiting to see you for an instance or hear your melodic voice for a second.
I was so interested in you, that when I met you in the hallway and pretended to be this cool and cold kid instead of the introverted and socially awkward one that I truly am, I thought it was done. You were going to think I was bitchy like everyone else and I was probably going to lose my only chance at finally becoming friends with you.
“I should just die!” I kept repeating embarrassed while rolling around in my bed thinking of how cringy I behaved “Do you think I could burn those? My god who do I think I am”.
Longing. That’s what I felt whenever I saw you. I wanted a friend like you, it wasn’t necessarily in a romantic way, I just wanted you to notice me and direct that warm and bright smile towards me…
So, when you finally did, I realized that you were going to become one of the happiest thing that ever came to my life. I loved going out of school and seeing you wait for me at the entrance, then you would look at me and smile like a little kid.
I loved how you enthusiastically praised every single dish I made, like I was some kind of master chef when in fact I probably cooked something that even a kid could make.
I loved hearing your voice through the phone whenever I felt like crying when dad came home with that woman, you kept reassuring me that everything was going to be alright, that if I ever needed to, I could sleep at your house.
That you were always going to be there for me.
But you lied.
It had been a week since I rejected Dahyun. And perhaps, the longest week of my life after my mother had passed away.
When I came back home, and I realized that from that day on I wouldn’t be able to talk to her ever again, it suddenly felt like I was the one getting rejected.
It hurt, I had to stay home for a few days. The mornings felt like incomplete and utter shit, especially when I wake up in the morning, and expect to find her ‘good morning text’, but all I saw was a phone without any notification.
Whenever I cooked something, I used to take a picture and send it to her. Now I don’t even bother to set the plate up, I don’t even seem to taste anything.
When dad comes home with that woman, I don’t have anyone to keep me from going completely batshit crazy.
Dahyun is not here for me anymore. Just like she came in like a storm, she left leaving all her traces behind and not cleaning up the mess she caused for me.
I felt betrayed, it took so long for me to open up to her, I felt like we were best friends. But because she wanted more than I did, she left me. Without even considering my own feelings, without thinking of how broken I would be without her by my side.
I want to see her, I want to hear her voice.
Were constant thoughts that I had on my mind, as much as I didn’t want to think about her… But I knew that I couldn’t talk to her anymore, or at least not right now.
I tried to make time pass, playing the viola, playing games on the computer, reading a few books… and going out places where I unconsciously wanted her to be at.
I visited our secret place a few times, I looked around the arcade, her favorite coffee shop, even lurked around the mall for hours just to catch a glimpse of her. Nothing.
She had completely disappeared, the only thing I could do was check her Instagram stories, but it was mostly about her dog or her hanging out with Momo.
Then, after a few days we finally saw each other again. It felt like such a long time, I didn’t know that the single sight of a person could make me feel so restless. I kept glancing at you, wanting to tell you how much I’ve missed you, but I was too scared to approach you.
When you walked towards me, I expected you to ignore me, but instead you gave me a quick smile.
I hated it.
I hated it.
I really hated it.
It was different. It felt forced. It wasn’t the genuine Dahyun smile that made people melt because of how bright and friendly it was.
It was better if you didn’t even look at me if instead I had to see you this hurt because of me.
“Did something happen between you and Dahyun?” Sungjae asks me out of nowhere.
“Not really, why?”
He smiles “Not really? You two were practically always by each other side and suddenly I haven’t seen you talk in what… a week? Two?”
“It’s complicated.” I say in a quiet voice, he knew that meant I don’t want to talk about it.
“She confessed to you.”
I quickly glare at him. How did he know? “H-how?”
Sungjae sighs, quickly looking around to see if someone was listening to us “Everyone knows Dahyun is… into girls. And it didn’t take me that long to realize that she liked you.”
“I…”
“Hey, Mina.”
I look at him, as he suddenly wore a serious face.
“Do you love me?”
“As a friend, yeah… we already made that clear, why?”
“Then, do you love Dahyun?”
“…as a friend.”
He smiles and stretches his arms out “Really? I always felt like you two had something different from our kind of friendship.”
I blink a few times, trying to analyze the meaning of his words “Well, girl-friends are different from boy-friends… you can talk about different stuff.”
“That’s all?”
“What else could there be?” I ask, the conversation was getting awkward. I knew what he was trying to imply but I didn’t feel like that at all.
Sungjae sighs “I think it’s time we break up.”
I frown “Why are you doing this to me now?”
“I’m sorry… I’ve been thinking about it for a long time. Remember how I told you I wanted to study in America? I’ve finally convinced my parents to send me there!”
It felt like a huge weight suddenly dropped on my shoulders. If Sungjae were to be gone, I would be alone. None of his friends were my friends, and the one person I trusted doesn’t want to have anything to do with me…
“But we don’t necessarily have to break up.”
His smile turns into a curious look “You just said you don’t love me. And I don’t love you, at least, not in that way, so why do you want to stay together this much?”
“Why not? We don’t hate each other, you’re probably the only guy I’d trust my life with.”
“That’s flattering… but Mina-” he sighs “I’m in love with someone else.”
“…when did that happen?”
“We studied in the same English course, I got to know her, and she left for America a week ago. I regret not asking her out since well… she knew about us.”
I look into his eyes for a few seconds “You’re following her to America? You like her that much?”
“I’m not following her, I’ve always wanted to go there. But she is part of the reason why I’m really looking forward to go there.”
I sigh in defeat, with his eyes sparkling like that, even I couldn’t bring myself to stop him “Fine… It seems like nothing I say can’t stop you anymore… but hey, I’m really happy for you Sungjae.” I smile, although it’s going to suck a lot to not have your best friend anymore, it would make me happier to see him follow his dreams.
He hugs me “I’m always here for you, remember that. Even if we’re a plane apart.”
I hug him tighter, it was like letting a brother you’ve been with since forever go away somewhere you can’t reach. “When are you leaving?”
“…the day after tomorrow.”
I immediately part ways “That soon!? Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
“I wasn’t sure I was going, I had secretly bought a ticket, but I still didn’t convince mom and dad. You know how they are… so before telling you I wanted to be sure… and well, they said ok just this morning.”
“You could’ve told me you wanted to leave though.”
“I’ve never had the chance to, you were always with Dahyun these days. And I knew that if I left you, you would be in good hands.”
“Well that didn’t turn out the way it was supposed to huh.” I bit my lip thinking about how Dahyun is ignoring me.
He ruffled my hair with a grin plastered on his way “You two will make up. Just give her some time, anyone wouldn’t want to see a person that they really love and who rejected them. Put yourself in her shoes.”
“She should put herself in my shoes too…” I mumble quietly.
Sungjae had left for America, and I was officially left alone. Other than texting him, I had no one else to talk to. The moment he left, his friends tried to let me join their conversations, but they were just too different from me, nothing they talked about interested me in the slight way.
While I spent all my day at school alone, skipping class to take a rest somewhere or eating lunch alone. I noticed how it seemed like I was the only one affected badly by our fight. Everything bad was only happening to me.
Nothing had changed for Dahyun, she still hanged out with Momo and happily spent her school life like I was a chapter of her life that just happened to pass by.
I had considered trying to somehow make up to her, but the fear of rejection was eating me up. I could spend hours in front of my phone, typing a text and immediately deleting it after. Trying to press the call button but chickening out last second.
Give it some time.
Is what Sungjae kept telling me, but this ‘some time’ was going on for too long. As the days kept passing I only kept missing her more, realizing how much I needed her, how much I wanted to see that warm smile directed towards me once again.
Then the chance to make it all work again finally comes, I saw her walking alone towards the music room, probably going to practice her piano skills.
I just nervously stood outside the door for a good 10 minutes, listening to her play, occasionally peeking inside to see her playing the piano like she was born to be in that seat.
That’s when a figure slowly approached the other door to the music room and I immediately pretended to walk away.
It was Sana.
Were they friends again?
Once she made her way inside I once again find myself in front of the music room’s door to spy on them.
“Are you okay?”
Sana asks softly, and I see her sitting in the teacher’s desk.
“Why wouldn’t I be?” replies Dahyun, but me and Sana both knew she was lying.
“The piano was crying just now.” Sana chuckles, her voice trembling “I’ve seen you play like this only once… at my house. The day you left your parents.”
Dahyun sighs, suddenly playing one note of the piano violently “What if you care about someone so much and you see they’re hurting, but because being with them hurts you, you can’t do anything for that person?”
“If you really do care about that person, you try to make it right, for both your sakes.” Sana suddenly gets up and approaches Dahyun closely “Like what I’m doing right now.”
“Sana…?”
“Dahyun… I’m sorry for breaking up with you and flirting with Momo. But I was drunk, and she was so much like you, and I missed you, I just lost myself.”
Dahyun sighs “Then why did you even break up with me in the first place? You were everything to me… When you just left me like that without even explaining why, it hurt so much it felt like my heart was about to burst…”
“It scared me. Our relationship. I was a free-spirit before dating you. I was never in a serious relationship, every girl I dated wanted to ‘try dating a girl’ but soon they all ditched me for a guy, for a ‘normal’ relationship. But with you it was different, you were suddenly the one thing I wanted so much for myself forever but at the same time I was afraid it was going to end up being the same as them, and out of fear you would leave me, I… did something stupid and broke it up first. Only to be even more hurt about it in the end and doing some shitty things to you and your bestfriend.”
I clench my fist as I see Dahyun look at her with a frown “When did I ever give you any indication that I wanted to break up with you?”
“I don’t know! I’m sorry… really, but I regret it so much, please… give me another chance.”
“I can’t do that anymore. Maybe we can go back to being friends, but any more than that… not right now.” I could feel the exhaustion in Dahyun’s voice. She didn’t deserve all this pain and stress, as if I wasn’t enough trouble (even though it’s not completely my fault) now Sana goes and say stuff like this.
“Is this about Myoui Mina?”
As I heard my name I look up to Dahyun’s face to see it changing from surprised to a painful smile.
Dahyun nods, looking up at the ceiling and closing her eyes “I think that after feeling the love I had for her, I noticed that it was pretty different from what the two of us had back then.”
“How is that?” Sana asked curiously and a tad bit desperately.
“With you… I think it was more of an innocent puppy admiration turned into love. You were someone I deeply looked up to, so when I got to date you I thought I had it all. But when I fell in love with Mina I noticed how different it was, I wanted to protect her, be there for her, always talk whenever we could, know everything about her… It’s just… different.”
I felt myself blushing, before I knew it my heart was beating like crazy, Dahyun felt this way about me and I just selfishly wanted to keep being friends. Now I see why Sungjae couldn’t support my stubbornness all this time.
Dahyun felt so close now, I could just enter this door and clear things up, tell her that I care about her and we could work our friendship, even if it’s not immediately. But something stopped me.
Sana wrapped her arms around Dahyun. “Then let’s be friends, as you want, and let me slowly be the one who you feel all those things for.”
I saw Dahyun slowly enveloping her arms around Sana, her face buried in the crook of Sana’s neck.
It bothers me.
I don’t like it.
She hurt you this bad and you just let her have her way with you because you’re vulnerable.
Stop it.
Get away from her.
But I’m the one who left without taking any action. And the further I walked, I slowly realized… that I was in love with Dahyun.
Everything made sense, the way she made me feel when I first saw her, the thumping heart whenever we were together, the excitement to see her, how I longed for her presence when we couldn’t see each other…. It was so obvious, yet I didn’t notice.
I’m so stupid.
“It’s mutual, what are you so afraid of? Just confess to her.” I heard Sungjae’s amused voice on the phone.
“It’s not that simple, I just rejected her, what am I supposed to say? Just kidding I think I love you after all? What if she says that’s not it and I just want her to be my friend.”
“Why are you thinking that? Is that true?”
“No! I really do…. Love her.”
There’s a few seconds of silence before Sungjae hums and sighs “Alright, can you see yourself kissing her, going on dates and maybe doing even further things?”
“Why are you asking me this… so embarrassing.”
“Yes or no.”
I blush, recalling an early memory of mine “Yeah… I might have dreamt about that.”
“Good. Then, when did you realize you liked her?”
“I saw her hugging another girl… her ex.” I hear him laugh, which irks me off “I’m trying to have a serious conversation here!”
“But Mina! Connect the dots yourself, you’re jealous when other people touch her, your heart beats and at the same time it hurts when you see her, AND you dream about kissing her and shit like that. Of course, you’re in love.”
“That’s what I’ve been telling you this whole time.”
“Yeah but what I mean is that you should just confess. At this point her ex-girlfriend is gonna steal her from you. And you don’t want that right?”
Sungjae kept encouraging me to confess. And even though I wanted to, the thought of it was scary. I knew that Dahyun loved me, but after I left her and Sana alone the other day who knows what might have happened between the two? If they had decided to take it slow and get together again who was I to stop them from doing so?
But as always, everything was easier to be said than done. Dahyun’s face whenever she saw me stopped me from even wanting to talk to her.
Her happiness changing into a forced smile was enough to drop all the self-confidence I had spent 30 minutes prior to meeting her.
So, all I could do was being stuck in a loop of continuously trying to give myself a push in the back to talk to her, but either Sana was there, Momo was giving me a stern eyeful or Dahyun just saying hi only to immediately leave me before I could respond to her.
“…Hey.” I feel someone tapping my shoulder, when I turned around, I saw Momo looking me with a perplexed expression.
“Hi… what’s up?”
“‘what’s up?’ huh.” Momo smiles but turns serious immediately after “You know that Dahyun is trying to avoid you, why do you keep on hanging around her? Listen, I know you have your problems and my bestfriend is probably way too kind to tell you to fuck off, so please, stop hanging around her, stop hurting her even more.”
I knew that Momo was being a good friend and wasn’t necessarily being mean towards me. But right now all I wanted was for Dahyun herself to tell me all those things, if she really felt that I was being a bother then I wanted to know.
“Can you tell her I want to talk?”
“No. Please, just… leave. Maybe after some time she’ll be the one wanting to be friends again.”
“You’re all being unfair… why is it only about Dahyun, do you think I don’t know she’s hurting? How she probably wishes she never fell in love with me? I can see it every time we look at each other even for a second. I know she despises the sight of me, I know that.” I clench my fist, this was just pure torture.
“I don’t know what issues you have. But I’m trying to not let my best friend go insane. And if that means trying to get the two of you far apart, I will do that.”
Please don’t take the only good thing I have left in my life.
I wanted to tell her, yell it to her, to Sana, heck even to Dahyun herself. Why did it have to be so hard? So complicated? Why did we both fall in love with each other?
I went home thinking about the what-ifs.
What if I realized earlier?
What if we never met?
What if I confess?
What would happen if I got rejected?
There were so many possibilities, but I was afraid of every possible outcome. Even if we were to date, I’m at a point where it feels like I like her so much I’d probably end up doing the same thing Sana did to her.
Because I like her too much… and the thought of having her in my arms after longing so much for her only to lose her again was so unbearable.
“I’m so dumb, we’re not even together and I’m already thinking of break-ups.”
After having dinner and taking a nice warm bath, I slump in my bed, taking out the cellphone and staring at Dahyun’s name.
“I miss you.”
I type with trembling fingers, knowing fully well that I was never going to send such a daring message.
Sometimes I wished for my life to be a stupid book or a stupid anime, where I had a cat that accidentally pressed the -send- button or I fell asleep without realizing that I sent the message myself.
“Fuck it. Fuck everything.”
I erased the message and typed a new one, this time, it wasn’t only for Dahyun but all of Sungjae’s friends.
- Party at my place (address below) in a few hours, invite your friends and everyone you know! –
Dad was not going to come back home tonight since he was currently back in Japan for a few days, and I was not about to sulk in my bed thinking about a girl who is ignoring me on a Saturday night.
There were a few things I needed right now, an outfit that was not this polka dot pajama, a lot of booze and snacks to eat.
I quickly went through my closet and grabbed a few daring outfits, having my shoulders and legs exposed was enough.
After quickly stopping by the nearest market and buying a few vodkas, rums and whatever else I hopped on my car and drove towards our 2nd house (of course, I wasn’t dumb enough to invite them to our mansion, even though breaking a few things would anger my father and please me, I wasn’t about to let anyone steal or break vases or other shit worth millions).
Everything was set up, and an hour later, what I thought would be 10 or 30 people, suddenly turned into a 100.
“Minaaaaa, Sungjae taught you well huh? Tonight’s gonna be lit!”
“Yo Mina, looking fine tonight!”
“I brought a few drinks, where can I leave them?”
“Mina I think the whole town is here!”
Pure chaos. But strangely, I liked it, it gave a sense of calmness. I wasn’t alone anymore, at least for tonight, because I knew that the moment the party is over everyone was going to go back to their lives and I would be ‘Sungjae’s ex-girlfriend’ except that maybe they would add ‘who threw that amazing party last Saturday’.
One drink
Two drinks
Three drinks
Until I couldn’t even count how many I had anymore. It felt so fresh, I always wondered how it would feel like to be drunk at parties like these.
Then I saw someone familiar, Momo. She was in the swimming pool flirting with a random girl who I didn’t know.
Maybe she’s here.
Or maybe that wasn’t even Momo, and all I wanted was just a tiny hint that Dahyun was at my party so that I could bitch on her and blame the alcohol the next time I saw her.
I started to wander around my house, my head aching but still capable of looking for the one person I really wanted to see.
People were drinking, puking, randomly making out, grinding on each other, dancing, singing with their awful voices and god knows I didn’t even want to look inside the bed rooms.
My head was starting to spin, I made my way towards the furthest bathroom in the house, no one was probably going to be there, and well, I was right.
I sat there, grabbing my phone once again. Searching for Dahyun’s name on my contacts and typing a message with the last bit of consciousness left in me.
Are you here?
It took less then a minute before she replied.
I didn’t go
Of course she didn’t.
I need you.
She didn’t reply, so I stubbornly texted her again.
Please, don’t leave me alone here…
I waited for a few minutes, the reply never came.
It was worthless after all, I’ve tried. Too many times at that, Dahyun really didn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore.
Tears started running down my face. No one was going to hear me cry in here, so I quietly sobbed inside of the toilet while everyone outside was screaming, dancing and doing things I wasn’t keen on knowing.
“...Mina?”
I hear her voice from outside of the door. Was I imagining things? Did I really get drunk to a point where I went completely nuts or just plainly fell asleep?
I opened the door and met her eyes. She wore her usual complicated expression she has whenever she sees me, but something was different today, because soon her warm smile had returned.
“Why are you crying silly? You don’t just throw a party like this and cry by yourself in the bathroom… what are you, a loser? Where’s that tough girl I first met?” she started patting my head.
I stared at her figure for a few seconds before burying my face in her stomach while I was still seated in the toilet.
“Are you not going to ignore me today?”
“Yeah. Because you’re drunk.”
“Can you kick everyone out?”
“Okay.”
She broke our hug, and soon the chaos outside calmed down until no sound could be heard other than people leaving the house.
As I made my way out, I saw her walking towards me with a glass of water “Here. Hydrate yourself. How sick are you feeling from 1 to 10”?
Ten when it comes to hurting internally.
“Not that much, I don’t think I’m drunk… I just feel a bit nauseous.” I look at her in the eye “Can you stay until I feel a bit better?” I blurted out, the grip of my hand tightening.
“…yeah, of course...”
I held out my hand, which she took as we made our way towards my bedroom, then Dahyun awkwardly chuckled and pointed at our hands while saying “Am I going to sleep with you?”
I quickly let go and nervously chuckle, making my way into the bed and signal her to sit next to me, which she does.
“I’m sorry for texting you…”
“I’m sorry for ignoring you. I could’ve handled it better. With your boyfriend leaving for America too… I should’ve been there for you.”
“…ex-boyfriend.” I glance at her, her whole body twitching for a second.
“O-oh… really? Why? Couldn’t take the long distance?”
I shake my head “I’m sorry… I never explained to you that we were just ‘forced’ to marry by our parents. We went along with this fiancée thing since we did love each other, but it wasn’t as a man and woman, more like… brother and sister? Then he decided to finally pursue his dream and I let him go.”
Dahyun hums quietly, but even though I felt a bit tipsy I could still see the side of her lips curling up into a smirk, it made me smile myself, though I was hoping she didn’t notice.
“You’re not going to ask why I texted you?”
“Well, even though we aren’t exactly in super friendly terms right now, I still think I’m the one you can depend the most on right now since Sungjae isn’t here, right?”
It’s so much more than that.
“I guess…”
We sat there awkwardly for a few seconds before I mustered up my courage to speak again.
“Let’s go back to before the whole confession…” I mumble quietly, hoping she heard that but also hoping she didn’t.
Dahyun stares at me for a bit and lets out sigh. “I don’t think I’m ready to hang out with you all the time again. Today was… a special occasion.”
“Why? Why can’t you be my friend again?” I try to surpress my anger and frustration, but fail to do so as I remember Sana “Is Sana special? Why is it okay for you two to hang out again but you can’t just be my fucking friend when I need you?!”
I stare at you in desperation, perhaps those weren’t my best choice of words. Your complicated expression turns into a frown. “It’s hard to explain…. You think it’s easy? It took me a year to forgive Sana. And why do you care about her anyway?”
“Because I don’t like the two of you hanging out together. After she hurt you like that… just because you’re trying to get over me now she makes a move on you because she knows you’re vulnerable and you’re going to accept her warmth.”
“Unbelievable. You really had to say that huh.” Dahyun looks at me dumbfounded “I’m going home. I don’t want to fight you right now. I hope you just said those words because you’re sensible, drunk and all that shit and not because you’ve become a stuck-up bitch.”
I clench my fist tight, my head looking down trying to not show Dahyun that tears were soon gonna flow out of my eyes. “I’m sorry… really, I am. B-but… I just really need you right now. And I know, that I’m not exactly the best at showcasing that but please, give me a chance too.”
“I want to Mina. But it’s hard. I still love you, even if you’re being a total bitch to me I still love you. Don’t you know how happy I was when I saw your text? Or how worried I was when I kept searching for you around the house and heard you sobbing alone in the bathroom? Do you think it was easy to ignore you at school when all I wanted to do was to hug you and tell you to forget all about my confession so that we could still be friends? But I couldn’t, we can’t be friends. At least now while I feel like kissing you every time I see your fucking face.”
“Then kiss me! Confess to me once again! Don’t fucking give up on me on the first try, don’t ignore my every attempt to fix our relationship, don’t send Momo to tell me I should avoid you, don’t show me how you get along with Sana after telling me all about how much you loved her or how much she hurt you! Please, smile like the Dahyun I know, don’t give me that poor attempt of a hurting smile! Text me, care about me, tell me you love me… make me yours.”
I couldn’t keep it in anymore. The alcohol gave me the last push I needed to burst out all my feelings. I stared at Dahyun, who was trying to say something but probably couldn’t come up with anything.
“I’m telling you I love you, dumbass.” I finally confess.
“You-…” Dahyun is blinking fast, her voice cracking like a guy in puberty “You don’t mean it you just-“
“I love you.” I tell her again
I see Dahyun’s mouth soften into a smile and it doesn’t take long before she hugs me, her nose is touching mine, her lips are so close that I can almost taste her breath, her eyes screaming ‘I love you’. It feels like I can’t breathe anymore, it feels like one single movement would be enough to make me fall on my knees. Her hands make their way towards my upper back, her chest slowly going against mine.
“Are you sure?” she whispers, our lips almost touching. And she looks at me with so much love, so much emotion, I wonder how come I didn’t realize I’ve been wanting her sooner.
“Yes” I reply, almost desperately.
Then she pulls me into her arms, I feel like I’m not even breathing… and she’s kissing me.
Once, and then again, she wraps her hands around my back and suddenly she starts to kiss me deeper, desperately, to the point where I have to break free to gasp for oxygen. My heart is beating so fast that I don’t understand how it’s still working.
“There’s no going back now.” Dahyun grins like a kid while touching my cheek and making her thumb working its way towards my lips.
I see her looking at me so tenderly, I didn’t think one look could melt my heart so much, could make me feel so many things that probably don’t have a correct word to describe them.
“So you love me. You love me.” She mumbles to herself, still smiling so much. “I promise I will never let you go. I will never let you suffer.”
“Dahyun… I’m very happy, you know? I believe I’ve never felt such happiness in my life before.”
“Me too… Mina.” She whispers, and I realize how close she is. I wonder how I didn’t evaporate because of how hot I was feeling right now.
She kisses me once again, her scent starts to assault my senses, her sweet vanilla scent.
“I’m sorry… I don’t think I can stop myself.”
I knew what she meant, and I couldn’t blame her. I felt the same, after longing her for so long and finally feeling the warmth of her body against mine, we were running towards all the possible bases. Kiss, hug and…
Dahyun starts pressing kisses on my neck while her fingers run in my back, and I slowly slip my hands under her shirt, feeling her perfectly shaped breast.
“I want you…” her voice starts getting husky as the sound of it tingles my skin.
I can feel her heart racing so fast, or maybe it’s my own heart.
She pulls me even closer, her thigh is between my legs, kissing me once again, with even more force that once she breaks the kiss I’m breathless, head spinning as I hold on to her. Dahyun starts to pull my shirt and tosses it to the side.
“You’re so beautiful Mina.” She whispers as she kisses her way to the fabric covering up my breasts. Then she unzips my jeans and tugs them down, I was left with nothing but my underwear, but soon that was gone too.
I take off all her clothes too, and soon our naked bodies were pressed together as she pulled me into her lap, her movements urgent but also so incredibly gentle.
Dahyun kisses me everywhere, making me feel absolutely insane, all my rational thoughts being thrown in the garbage. I cling to her, it felt like dying but being brought back to life at the same moment.
Next thing I know she’s on top of me, kissing me with such intensity that makes me wonder how I still haven’t caught on fire.
Was this all a dream? Maybe I was drunk and fell asleep on the toilet. But if that’s so, please never wake me up.
I get brought back to reality and realize that this is all happening when I feel her hands running down my body while she kisses me, once, twice as she slowly starts to hungrily bite my lip.
“Da-“ I try to say her name but she kisses me again, I can’t even find the time to even breathe anymore. She kisses me until times seems to stop and my head slowly falls into oblivion.
“I think I’m going crazy for you Mina. I feel like… my heart is about to explode.”
I kiss her back as a response, nothing matters anymore right now, all I needed was to feel all of Dahyun.
This is more than I could’ve possibly wanted.
The morning after was pretty awkward. When I remembered that we just kissed, hugged and made love to each other in a span of a few hours and my face couldn’t help but turn red.
Dahyun was still sleeping next to me, cuddled up with a peaceful expression on her face. I run my fingers through her hair and slowy caress her cheek.
Even though we didn’t say it clearly, I guess we were officially dating. The person right in front of me was now my girlfirned.
I curl up my body and kiss her shoulder, she shifts and slowly blinks.
“Morning.” I tell her, and she immediately smiles.
The adorable, dorky, bright and warm smiled I’ve longed for.
“Hi.” She says and spreads her arms open wide, asking for a hug. I make my way into her arms and she squeezes me tightly against her while kissing my hair.
“I’d rather you kiss me on the lips.” I say playfully as my nose presses against hers.
Dahyun laughs wholeheartedly and give me a lazy peck on the lips. It wasn’t as deep and hungry as the other night, it was gentler and loving, sending electricity right down my spine.
“So… that just happened.” She grins, referring to last night.
“I guess it did.”
I see her bite her lips and touching her nose nervously “You’re… my girlfriend now, right?”
I couldn’t help but giggle and kiss her once again “Yep.”
Dahyun turns red, and contrary to the very daring girl that stripped me yesterday, she was being a shy middle school kid right now.
“Well, let’s have breakfast. I’ll prepare something… meanwhile, you can shower…”
I can feel Dahyun follow my figure with her eyes, after all, I was only a oversized t-shirt right now.
“Mina…”
I stop myself and hum while looking at her.
“I love you.”
I blink a few times and bashfully reply “Me too.”
“But you might wanna cover up that hickey I gave you… when we go to school, I mean.”
“What!?”
It’s so amazing. When you love someone so much that it overflows.