Work Text:
FADE IN
EXT. WARNER BROS LOT - NIGHT
As the JOKER, HARLEY QUINN and two HENCHMEN make their way along one of the driveways that criss-cross the lot, staying in the shadows.
HARLEY
Puddin, where-
JOKER
Shhh!
He yanks her back against him into the darkness between two buildings just as a GOLF CART sails by with two SECURITY GUARDS. He looks both ways - the coast is clear again.
JOKER (cont'd)
Come on.
They slink along the side of the building.
JONNY
Where we going, Boss?
JOKER
According to my blueprints, the office we're looking for is in the southwest corner.
Harley looks around as they go, wide eyed.
HARLEY
Damn this place is huge. Like the Mall of America or something!
Suddenly she and the Panda man SQUEAL in unison.
HARLEY (cont'd)
Oh my God, Puddin', look, that's Conan O'Brien's parking space!
PANDA
I love him.
JOKER
Would you two shut up! This is the most important job of our lives.
They continue on. It's like the street that never ends and Harley is starting to limp.
HARLEY
Can't I hotwire a golf cart? These shoes were not made for walking but some misogynistic asshat in wardrobe made me wear 'em. Not to mention these shorts that are crawling up my ass crack with every step!
JOKER
Harls. We've got bigger problems.
She ignores him and continues to grumble as they stealthily make their way across the lot.
HARLEY
It was called Suicide Squad, not Suicide Sluts. Where'd they get their wardrobe person from, on loan from Vivid?
Jonny points to a building with an office area sticking out the front. A SECURITY LIGHT is on and we can see the dim outline of computers and office furniture.
JONNY
That's it! That's the office.
They all crouch down behind a DUMPSTER when they hear yet another GOLF CART coming.
HARLEY
(holding her nose)
Ewww it smells like fish. Reminds me of when they tried to drown me in the first movie.
JOKER
Okay, you stay out here and keep an eye out. I'm going in.
HARLEY
I'm going in too!
He rolls his eyes.
JOKER
What do you know about computers?
HARLEY
I have a Ph.d. You think I got that without knowin' my way around a computer? But no one thinks about that! Too busy lookin' at my ass.
In response, the Joker leers at her ass.
HARLEY (cont'd)
Puddin!
JOKER
Fine, fine, you can come with me.
Harley walks ahead of him and picks the lock. He looks at her, impressed.
HARLEY
Selina taught me. See, I don't just make out with my girlfriends when you're not around, like all those middle aged fanboys on Twitter would like to believe.
INT. WARNER BROS PRODUCTION OFFICE
The Joker uses his SMARTPHONE as a flashlight and they creep through the main room into an interior office. He sits down at the desk, Harley hovering over him, and pulls out a SMALL DEVICE that scans the computer for a moment until a PASSWORD pops up on the SCREEN.
HARLEY'S POV as he types it in - 311966.
HARLEY
Zack Snyder used his birthdate? Security fail!
The Joker chuckles as he scrolls down the screen before stopping with a look of horror, his mouth open.
JOKER
What the fuck...they're remaking A Star is Born with Lady Gaga? And they say I'm psychotic?
HARLEY
(impatient)
Puddin, find our script. Just do a search for Cozad.
JOKER
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He grumbles but he listens to her and his face lights up.
JOKER (cont'd)
And there it is, or there it was.
He goes to delete it-
HARLEY
Wait! Aren't you even gonna look at it first?
JOKER
You wanted me to do this without killing anyone? Because if the last one is any indication you're gonna leave me and marry some Yuppie douchecanoe who looks like he sells anti- depressants.
HARLEY
Sweetie, that was you! It wasn't even my fantasy, it was David Ayer's warped idea of what women want.
She leans over his shoulders, massaging them. The Joker relaxes and laughs.
JOKER
I don't think he's met you.
HARLEY
Well, obviously not or he wouldn't have tried to write me choosin' my new friends of, like, one day over you, the eternal love of my life! Fine, just delete it and replace it with ours and let's get outta here.
We see the COMPUTER SCREEN as the script is deleted and the Joker pops a flash drive in, UPLOADING a new version. He giggles in glee and Harley joins in.
HARLEY (cont'd)
That's the one where I get to wear pants, right?
JOKER
Except when we're alone, sweetheart. They need a little...push into the R rating zone and we're gonna give it to them.
She giggles in response. The new SCRIPT PDF pops up on the screen and the Joker quickly closes it and gets up.
HARLEY
Wait, not so fast. What was that I saw about Ivy being strangled by her own vines?!
JOKER
Last minute script revisions. (chuckling) Those damn executives.
HARLEY
Puddin! You're the only one who had access to that script!
Jonny pokes his head in the door just as ALARMS start to sound.
JONNY
Boss, we gotta go! They spotted the panda head pokin' out from the dumpster!
The Joker and Harley dash outside but suddenly they're trapped between the front door and a GOLF CART with SECURITY GUARDS. The Joker goes for his gun but Harley puts a hand on his wrist and stops him.
JOKER
Why'd you stop me?
HARLEY
'Cause it could be worse! If Warner Bros drops us, the next thing ya know, we'll be on Bravo and I'll be getting into catfights with the girls all day. Borrrrrring. Let me handle this.
SECURITY GUARD
What are you doing in here? What's with the costumes?
HARLEY
These ain't costumes, these are our regular clothes.
She totters out on the heels, making sure to lean forward and give the guard an excellent view of her cleavage.
HARLEY (cont'd)
We got lost on the studio tour. We're from Iowa and we can't find our way out. It's so confusing. Can you help us?
SECURITY GUARD
The tour ended hours ago!
HARLEY
I know, I'm sorry, my brother here -
She yanks Panda man forward by his collar.
HARLEY (cont'd)
He's special needs, that's why he's gotta wear the mask, it's his safe space in there and he just got sooooo excited when he saw where you film "Ellen" that I couldn't get him to leave. I mean, I guess I'd be the same way if Violent J was here -
SECURITY GUARD
Who's Violent J?
Harley's mouth drops open and she looks appalled.
HARLEY
You don't know who Violent J is?
She looks at the badge on his shirt.
HARLEY (cont'd)
Larry. Larry, Larry, Larry. You don't know about ICP? Violent J is a musical genius.
Larry is clearly confused and looks at his partner, who shrugs, equally baffled. He realizes he's getting distracted here.
LARRY
No...look, you gotta go. We'll give you a ride out the gate.
HARLEY
Awesome! My feet are killin' me!
Harley squeals and jumps in, right between the two guards. The Joker rolls his eyes, but he and the guys pile on to the back of the cart. They drive off, with Harley cheerfully chattering away.
HARLEY (cont'd)
OK, so ICP is like Insane Clown Posse? And they're the BEST. They're why we dress this way, 'cause we're juggalos and it's how we know we're all part of the same family and every year we have a Gathering...
FADE OUT on the Joker, shaking his head in the back of the golf cart, his hands over his face.