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Keith
He felt exhausted, first all the tension with the upcoming battle, the battle itself and after that they had been talking for hours to discuss if they should talk to lotor or not. And on top of everything, he had to see Shiro again. Shiro, this weird version of him, that looked like him, talked like him, smelled like him. But still, there was something different about him, had been since the day Keith had found him, floating in the space cab.
He couldn’t put a finger on what it was, just a feeling.
After Shiro’s return, there’d started this push and pull between them. Shiro telling him he could do it, could leed Voltron and, at the same time, whenever Keith made a decision, he told the team to do otherwise. And God dammit, where were the small touches, and his soft looks and reassuring smiles that were just for Keith to see? What happened to Shiro, that all of it just changed. It was like he had forgotten about their moments.
And than today in the control room, where Shiro's eye almost never left Keith. He could feel it without looking up, making him want to flee even quicker, letting him fight an inner battle so he wouldn’t just bail on them.
Even now, back in his old room, he still felt the older man's glace linger on him.
He was laying on this bed, on his back staring at the ceiling, trying to bring some sense into his feeling, to order the chaos in his head and in his chest. This fucking mix of everything. Shiro, his acting and these damn feelings Keith had about it. And the others from whom he hadn’t heard of in a while. And then there were his own stupid and at the same time so much needed actions. Because what else should he have done? Let Voltron die? Let the Universe down? And how, how should he go on without them all, without Shiro? They were more important than him, they were needed. The defenders of the universe, and he, who was he? No one, a simple member of the Blade of Marmora, not the Black paladin anymore, not even the Red one.
The mess had gotten even worse with seeing all of them again, especially Shiro.
This place, the castle where ever it was located, this room had once felt like home to him. Like a real home, way more than the Garrison or the empty shack ever had.
He just couldn’t let it happen, let his home be destroyed. Because how could the Castle be home, without the people in it.
It wasn’t home for just one reason, for being the place itself, but because of the people who lived here. He had to admit it to himself: Those people were his family, they had been closest to home he’d ever felt. People he loved, who’d probably even loved him back before he screwed - he just couldn’t let anything happen to them. He needed to keep them safe, no matter what. But now, now everything was strange, all he wanted to do was run.
The feeling of being home had been long gone before today, it had gotten less the day Shiro disappeared again. But it had gotten worse when he’d come back. And day after day this lonely, heavy feeling from back at the shack had returned. It was because of Shiro. It had always been Shrio.
Keith had felt differently for him from the day they’d met in the office of his instructor, when Shiro had become his tutor. What had started as a crush, had grown over time. He did everything to be the reason of his bright and beautiful smile. Just like the tutoring thing, that had changed from teacher and student to friends, Keith crush had changed to falling in love. Shiro soon became the reason Keith wanted to be better, a better student, a better Person. With time passing, his feeling changed into something so deep that he felt like he couldn't handle it.
He always kept his mouth shut, because Shiro would never see him as something other than a close friend. So there was the time back at the Garrison when Keith had tried to get as far away as possible from his friend, but that didn’t worked out that well.
He had pushed the older man away, but as always, Shiro was the hero/leader, the better one of them. So when Shiro had confronted him, the young cardett he had been back then, hadn’t had an answer for his strange acting. And his friend had accepted it as always, not pushing any further.
But Keith had soon realised that having his wish to have space fulfilled had been even worse. Just seeing Shiro from the far, had been even more unbearable than having him next to side. So Keith had come crumbling back, apologizing, and Shiro wouldn’t have been Shiro if he hadn’t taken him back.
But in the meantime, he had already applied for the Kabersos mission. All Keith had wanted to do back then was scream ‘don’t leave, don’t leave me’. The two of them had spent as much time as possible together before Shiro had to leave. It had given the younger one the feeling that it wasn’t just important to him, but like Shiro also wanted it. When the time had come and Shiro had to leave, Keith knew he would wait.
After the Garrison had confirmed that there had been a pilot error, there was so much anger in the beginning.
After the anger, there was nothing a but heaviness and at the same time, a never felt emptiness. He had stolen one of the motorcycle and had driven through the desert, till he came to the shack where he had been with Shiro and a life before as a kid. He had decided to live there and just after a few days he felt this sudden pull inside of him. From that day on, he’d begun to search for the blue lion without knowing it.
It had almost been a year, that this one night, a ship that just fell from the sky. He had Shiro back, his tutor, his best friend, his love. The heaviness began to disappear, and the emptiness was being filled, filled by Shiro, and the other paladins. Keith had just been glad to have Shiro back, and promised to himself he would do everything to keep him save.
When Shiro went missing for the second time, all Keith wanted to do was scream. The feelings from back in the shack returned, because there was just no Keith without a Shiro. Shiro had made him a better person. So he started again, let himself get lost in the search. But this time he’d known what he was searching for. He was searching for Shiro, for himself. There was no way he would give him up. He wanted to be the person the older one saw in him, but he just couldn’t do it without him. Just as the last time, it didn’t help and the heavy pain, the loneliness stayed.
He held onto the feeling that everything would get better if he would just find the black paladin. And when he’d finally found him, Keith was the happiest person in the whole universe. He had tried, tried so hard to push this weird emotions, that still lingered in his chest, away.
But that feeling, this strange feeling of not being home, of being lonely, the heavy pressure in his chest, stayed.
He thought he’d just imagined it, but there was something strange about Shiro. Keith just couldn’t put a finger on what it was. Shiro had been there right next to him, but Keith still missed him, missed him so bad. It was like the sympathy Shiro always had for him was gone, the bond between them was gone. There were other things as well, like the older man's voice sounded different, harsher than before. But there were also those moments where everything was normal, leaving Keith even more confused.
And then there came the point where his feelings had just overwhelmed him.
He had started to run, run away from being a leader, from Shiro. So he’d helped the Blade as often as possible, till the day Shiro was back in the right place again, as the black paladin, the rightful leader of Voltron. There it had been, the out, the emergency exit, he had been looking for and Keith took it. He’d left Voltron, and the other ones let him go, Shiro let him go. It was all he wanted, at least that was what he’d tried to tell himself. In some way it had crushed him that his friend let him go so easily.
On one hand it relieved him to be away from Shiro, on the other he felt like he couldn’t breathe properly. He couldn't live just next to him. But no way he could live a life without him somewhere in the universe. They hadn't talked to each other in person for quite a while. Or seen them, just hear them when there was something to discuss with the blade. And today hadn’t been any else, he had heard them, he panic in their voices. And the decision wasn’t even hard to make. He just had to press on, just go for...
The door bursts open, hitting the inside with a loud thump, almost coming back. Keith jumped, into a sitting position to see Shiro standing in the doorway.
He seemed big, like he almost didn’t fit inside, his chest falling and rising quickly. He must have been running or he was really angry... Would fit to the image of his face, that was absolutely furious. Keith had never seen the other one like this before. He had seen him sad, happy, disappointed, goofy, tired or stressed… but never like this. He wasn’t sure what to do now. A Voice in his head told him to be careful.
“WHAT the HELL have you been thinking Keith? You could have gotten yourself killed there, you you? that was the stupidest thing in all the things you ever did! What were you thinking?”
He black paladins voice was loud, he almost screamed. He volume of his voice seemed even more coming back from the empty room.
His words made Keith’s inside hot with anger. What had he been thinking?
His anger didn't let him sit anymore, so he got up on his feet.
“Oh, and what do you think I should have done? Hm? Let Voltron be destroyed? Let, let…” (‘Let you die?’ The voice in him asked ) “I HAD to safe Voltron!”
(I had to save you).
Because sure, he could live without Voltron, he could keep on fighting for the universe. He wouldn’t have anyone left. No one to care about, not himself, just for the greater good. He knew he could live without shiro, he was living without him now. But at least he was there somewhere. Without the knowledge of that, but he wouldn’t be himself anymore, he would be a sad copy of himself, like back in the shack. Maybe he was that already, on modus: just keep on going, not knowing what else to do again. Right now, the only thing driving him was helping others, no matter what cost, instead of searching for the unknown. It made no sense to be nice, to work on his people skills. Yes, of course that was a sad self image he had but still. Shiro was the reason why he wanted to be better, was the reason he’d learned how to like himself, how to believe in himself.
Keith tryed to calm himself by taking a deep breath, before he continued speaking.
“What does it matter anyway? I’m not a part of Voltron anymore, I’m not imported Voltron anymore,” (to you Shiro) “you can go on without me. So why do you care so much?”
The last word he said way lower than the others.
Shiros eyes grew wide. “Be, Because.” he stepped forward….
Shiro
The last few hours had been torture. He wanted to talk to Keith soooo badly, shake him, to hear if there was still some sense in the young man.
And while they had been in the command room discussing everything over and over again, Keith had just lend against a wall, refusing to look at anyone. Head down, with an almost blank face, to block everyone out.
Now, Shiro was storming through the corridor. Allura had kept him occupied, so he couldn’t follow Keith immediately. The anger about Keith’s actions was boiling inside of him, mixed with a feeling of nauseousness. He could have lost him. He could have lost Keith.
That was the only thing he could keep thinking about. He couldn’t focus on any conversation, because this voice was in his head, in his heart was way too loud. It filled everything, drowned anything else, and he just couldn’t silence it.
He wanted it to be quiet so bad, to not be in this rush to talk to the younger one. But he couldn’t fight these feelings, the inner pulling, to scream at Keith, to hug him as tight as he could, to shake him, to check if he was fine. It was such an painful mixture. So he made the decision to just go for it, in hope he could find a finale way to end it, to silence this part of himself. It had been like this since he came back. The feelings for the young man were so strong, overwhelming. Like the memories he had about him, that where hunting him in his dreams.
The face of a young cadet looking cold, and stubborn at the ground at their first meeting. The day he’d seen him smile for the very first time in one of their training sessions.
The moment when he’d let his guard down, talking about his absent parents, the foster homes he had been in.
The realisation he was able to read Keith expressions like a book.
They had grown from a teacher/student thing into a friendship. A friendship and way more than that.
Then there was this sadness when the young man had turned his back on Shiro. Before, he’d wanted nothing more than stay at the Garrison, next to Keith, but then he’d wanted to run as far as he could. So he’d applied for the Kerberos Mission. This way he wouldn’t have to see Keith anymore, because he couldn’t stand it to see the young cadett all the time and not be with him.
The happiness that had made his whole body tickle, it came back with the thought that keith had apologized for his behavior, and wanted to spend time with him again.
Days of sadness, where they had to say goodbye to each other. Seeing Keith again after falling from the sky.
Those memories came into his head, at night while he was asleep, over and over again with all the emotions. Letting him wake up as a mess, not sure what to think or feel.
Because it felt like they weren’t his own, like there was a shield around them.
In some way, he was standing outside, watching a movie of his own life or of the one someone else had? At the day times, he almost couldn’t grab those memories, no details. They were deep in his heart, a part of him but at the same time not for him to touch.
It confused him, leaving him precarious and that again made him angry. It was getting even worse each time he spoke to Keith. He didn’t knew how to act around the young man.
There was this part in him that wanted to be near him all the time, hear him speak, talk to him, watch him. The shielded part inside of him, the one that didn’t belonged to him, caused these wishes. So he tried to fight them, fight the feelings the were coming up everytime he saw Keith. When the younger paladin started to work more and more with the Blade, it was a relieve for Shiro. On the other hand it made him enraged, because how could he put Voltron in such danger? He wished he could be the leader again, but instead he had to use the memories to comfort Keith, tell him what a good leader he could be.
He went on like this, till the day Keith once again didn’t show up and he had to jump in and be the rightful leader of Voltron again. It was the best opportunity to get rid of the young man, of the struggle he’d cursed him with. So he searched for the right words that led Keith to go and be a part of the Blade. It filled a part of his heart with a heavy feeling, but it was quiet.
Until today, when he heard Matt scream ‘NO’ to Keith. The feelings came to life and overran his own. In his head, there was a voice that yelled ‘NO, KEITH!’ over and over again. He had felt like his heart was going to be ripped out. The feeling buried deep down inside him came to the surface and took over with an overwhelming power, beyond his control.
Shiro was furious, over the things that happened, the loss of being in charge of his emotions. It had build up inside him since Keith had left Voltron to be a full member of the Blade. It left him with a heavy feeling, a feeling he couldn’t get rid of and at the same time, wasn’t his at all. This should be different, there was something wrong with him, it was like he wasn’t himself.
He got to Keith’s door, too eager to knock and wait for answer. The door hit the wall with a loud sound. He could see how Keith jumped, now sitting in a defensive position on the edge of his bed.
“WHAT the HELL have you been thinking Keith? You could have gotten yourself killed there, you you? that was the stupidest thing in all the things you ever did! What were you thinking?”
(‘How could you think that i want to be in a universe without you,’ the voice inside him screamed.)
He knew, he was way too loud and his voice was shaking from all the anger. He felt like he was losing control, of himself, of everything. Not knowing which were his feelings and which belonged to the other Shiro inside of him.
The younger man was standing up now, every muscle in his body under tension.
“Oh, and what did you think I should have done? Hm? Let Voltron be destroyed? Let, let… I HAD to safe Voltron!” Keith inhaled deeply before he continued speaking. “What does it matter anyway? I’m not a part of Voltron anymore, I’m not important, you can go on without me. So why do you care so much?”
The last word he said way lower than the others. And all of them were like being punched. (NOT important? You're the most important thing to me, I care because I love you)
But he could stop the words from getting over his lips, before his love drunk, not to him belonging part could say those words.
“Be, Because.”
Yeah, because what? His inside was screaming, the storm of mixed emotions getting to its worst. Thoughts that didn’t make any sense. There was this one part of him that just wouldn't shut up. It screamed, it wouldn’t let him breath, wouldn’t let him think clearly, is shaking his inside, let everything get cold and numb at the thought of an universe without the boy standing in front of him. The part that loved Keith. The part Shiro hated and wanted to get rid of so bad. He hated this feeling, these feelings for Keith, they weren’t his. But the more he tried to push them away, to push Keith away, the more he missed him. It was like he couldn't exist without this part. An inner battle over the control, for his own feelings. He needed it to stop, so he could think clearly again. Who am I when you are not there?
Was he really angry at Keith? Or was he thankful that Keith wanted to save Voltron?
Did he really want Keith to be away from him? Or did he want him as near as possible, in his arms, safe, forever? He couldn’t make out anymore what was him and what was the other him.
He had to do something, make it stop, break the bound, break it.
Shiro felt how his feet stepped forward, what was happening, it was like his body moved on its own. Before his inner eye, he could see what was about to happen next, a hand rising to touch the jaw of the young man in front of him, slowly leaning in. Shiro ripped away from the image in his head, grabbing Keith by the shoulders crushing the young man's lips with his own. Not sure if it had been his own choice or if he just wanted to do it his way.
There were a new memories flashing before his eyes, then. Like he’d opened a secret box, that had being well hidden. There was a tight hug. Dark hair next to his face tickling on his cheek. Under his fingers, silky. There was the shape of an monomantel thing looking like a big spaceship. And there were words. “After this, we will be together”. His own voice saying them, sounding sad and broken. The scene changed. The next was a kiss, way different to this one soft, warm and loving and the same words. Then Everything started to get kind of blurry. He was fighting to get the control back, to build up the shield again. So Shiro couldn’t focus on it anymore, couldn’t hold it. But he wanted to, maybe this was a way to destroy the other him. Rip a away his secrets. And then there was this voice, so familiar as it was his own, for the second time on this day yelling “NOOOO”. And the pictures in his head disappeared.
He was about to lose. His grip around Keith tightened. If he would grip a little harder it would hurt, so he did it. At least his body’s actions were under his control again. He pushed Keith away, hard, so that the boy almost stumbled into the nearest wall.
The older man laugh without any feeling.
“Is that what you’ve wished for? Well, you will never ever have it again. This is over, too sad you didn’t die, it would be so much easier without you.” He almost didn’t notice how Keith pushed past him, out of the room. He focused on the voice, the feeling inside of him. Now he could see what his other part had seen, how the boy’s eyes widened in horror as he spoke the last words. Words that weren’t even meant for him, but well, it was actually pretty good that Keith thought that they were addressed to him.
He felt into himself. The voice was quiet, knowing that his words weren’t meant for Keith but for him. Like the kiss had done some damage to his fighting power. Or was it losing the memories? He grinned to himself. Kissing Keith hadn’t felt like anything special, his body didn’t react in any way like it did when he thought about these memories. Whatever it was what had been happening to him today, Shiro had to make sure it wouldn’t happen again. He’d lost control, control over his feelings, his emotions and his actions. The other one took over, just the thought of it made him sick and at the same time, it made him mad. Something like this could never ever happen again. It would destroy everything. He needed to find a way to get rid of him, not just quiet him, he has to be gone completely. He had to come up with a plan for that. It seemed like the key for destroying or at least quieting him, was through Keith.
That little Boy that seemed to be so special to him. It almost made Shiro jealous that he couldn't feel it. So what would be the best way?
What had he thought earlier, while he had been talking to Keith? A wide grin appeared on his face, he knew what to do. He just needed a to find a way to make it work, to end everything.
Keith
He could hear his blood rushing in his ears. His lungs were burning, but he kept on running, not sure where to, because it wasn’t like he could flee. There was no way out, on a flying castle in the middle of nowhere. So he stopped and let himself sink down against the wall, panting from the run.
This wasn’t Shiro. His eyes, the way he’d grabbed him, the kiss. No, no, there was something wrong, the light that had been there whenever Shiro had looked at him, was gone after the kiss. His Eyes had been cold, so had been his voice, his words, after the kiss. And the kiss itself was way too hard, without any feelings. Not like the last one they’d shared before their last battle with Zarkon, before Shiro had disappearance. There was something wet on his face. Keith tried to focus on where he was, but he couldn’t. He couldn't see clearly, everything was blurry. And he finally realised that there were tears streaming down his face.
He’d lost him. His Shiro was gone, he’d lost him again. But at the same time he was right there in front of him, there to touch.
Or maybe he’d never gotten him back in the first place?