Chapter Text
High up on the twin mountains of Colorado, nestled between trees and greenery and an endless blanket of snow, sat a small cabin. It faced the silver lake and neighbouring mountain, welcoming afternoon sun and shielding from most of the freeze the winter winds brought with it.
Liam relaxed back into the rocking chair with a warm cup of hot chocolate watching tiny crystals flutter down from the sky. He had nothing more to do, he made a quick trip to the market in the morning, picked up supplies for the rest of the month, he collected some more wood before the snow could dampen it again and tucked it away in the back of the cabin. He’d gotten dinner for one started and did most of the chores for the day. The fire crackled inside and the only other sound audible for miles were the birds chirping their goodnight songs as the sun set behind the mountain.
He looked at the words carved into the wooden rail before him, smiled bitterly, and tried pushing away the memories, of…well, of everything. Scott…Malia…Mason…. Him.
People only feel one emotion at a time Liam - Theo Raeken’s voice still rung clear in his mind, soothing and calming. He repeated it over and over whenever he needed to be brought back, when grief and guilt and sorrow drowned him from the inside and he wanted the world to swallow him whole.
One emotion, one voice that anchored him and kept him from losing himself to his emotions, to focus him on the only one he could stomach - complete and utter loneliness. Loneliness that he had grown to love and accept if it meant the people he loved were safe, far away from him.
“Where were you Liam??” He heard the alpha’s mate cry, her voice brittle and broken. Her hardened façade melted away and hopelessness took over her being as she dropped to her knees…screaming. Did she ever stop? Not in Liam’s mind, in there she screamed every night he closed his eyes.
Liam clenched his eyes shut, jolting upright, body shaking as he fought the memories. Futile attempts to swallow down the lump in his throat that threatened to choke him. He wished it would sometimes. It ate at him, sucking the breath right out of his lungs but always leaving him alive. He placed his mug down and reached, with trembling fingers, for the engravings in the wooden rail, the ones he carved himself.
Only one at a time Liam…breathe. Just one.
His fingers trailed over the carved out letters, breathing in the frozen air as the rest of his senses honed in on his surroundings. The mountains…closer…the woods…closer… the lake…closer still… the cabin. Safe and small and secret. Nothing around for miles and miles. He exhaled a white puff of air.
Say it Liam…
Loneliness. And? Isolation. Good. And finally his mind shut down enough to drown out Malia’s screams. For now.
Liam turned, moving toward the cabin door when he caught his reflection in the window, seeing the crimson burn of his eyes, but he denied it instantly and it faded with a sigh. I will never. He scolded the wolf in him, pulling the door open and stepping inside the warmth of the little shelter.
He pulled the pot from the fire, freshly baked bread inside, and filled his mug with orange juice. There’s only one chair at his small table, one of everything, reminding himself that he is in fact very alone, there’s no one for him to hurt or to let down. As far as he knew they’re all safe in Beacon Hills and for all they knew he was dead. And that in itself was much more comforting than reality.
The wolf inside always chose the most inopportune moments to remind Liam of what he’d done. Bread should have no significant meaning but yet, as he butters the one side, watching it melt and seep into the dough, it starts….
Kind of like Scott’s blood that night-
“No!” Liam fists came down hard on the table and he tried swallowing down the guilt in his throat once again. His voice echoed through the tiny space and he realized that was the first word he had said all day. “No…” a tear dropped down into his plate and he begged his mind to stop, to just be quiet.
“Please… please just let me breathe this time.” he whispered into the nothingness and his jaw quivered as his mind hit play.
-There is a deafening scream from somewhere in the woods, it pierces through the night air. The banshee. No. Scott sinks to the ground just as Liam reaches him, his eyes already void. Liam can Scott that he barely recognizes him. His body skids in underneath the alpha’s, catching his head just before it hits the ground. “I’m here Scott, I’m here, are you okay…”
The blood seeping through his jeans tells him that nothing is okay. “Scott, shift! Shift!” Liam shakes him violently. There are too many holes in his chest, his neck, the side of his head. Way too many. There are voices around him, and then that one voice that will never leave him comes…hers. “Where were you Liam??”
Scott responds to her, his eyes searching. Malia holds his face, begging, crying, trying to take pain that is no longer there. Stiles drops down next to them, taking his friend’s hand, patting up and down his body, not sure where to settle. “No no no, come on Scotty, come on!”
There are whispered I love you’s and muffled sobs. The alpha’s breath stutters, once… twice…and then the fires in his eyes are put out by the light rain that begins to fall. It’s in that moment that Liam roars and that same fire burns into his body through Scott’s skin where he holds him, settling somewhere deep within him.
They’re all left standing covered in blood and mud that not even the rain can wash away, feeling the final link crumble as Liam lay their alpha down. Detached, lost and torn apart. -
“Remember what Scott’s goal had been all along,” … Theo said, “to keep people alive.” But he couldn’t even keep himself alive. Liam couldn’t keep him alive.
Liam swooped his hand across the table, sending the plate of bread flying. It shattered against the wall. His only plate. Liam sighed, dropping his hands at his sides, too tired to be angry with himself, too broken to care. He pushed the chair back and stripped his clothes off. It was the only time the cold never really bothered Liam, soothing to the burning rage beneath his skin. He made his way to his bedroom, blowing out the candles in the hallway.
The world tipped round him as he laid down, waiting for the attack to come. All the voices and screams, the smell of phantom blood filling his nostrils just like it had that fateful night, the taste of his own tears on his lips. That night not even Theo’s scent was enough to overpower it. He waited for the wolf to howl as he demanded to be acknowledged, to scream for the alpha spark to be ignited, for the fight of control to begin as it always did on nights like these, whenever he remembered. These nights were the worst. He held on to the loneliness. He held on to the voice, the memory, the anchor. Theo. And then the fight began and the wolf ripped his insides apart, clawing at what was left of his heart with painful memories and regret, until there was nothing left to bleed but tears.
Liam inherited the alpha spark the night Scott passed away. As Deaton explained it - a true alpha’s first biological beta would inherit the gene should the alpha die. It was nature’s way of ensuring that a pack always had a leader. But Liam suppressed the spark since he felt it settle in the place of his wolf’s, out of guilt. He was supposed to be there that night, helping Scott keep watch. Scott wasn’t supposed to be alone, not when the hunters were back. Liam hadn’t shifted again since then, he refused to acknowledge the new wolf in him, refused to grant him access to their shared body. He had only ever seen glimpses, reflections of the red eyes that had replaced his yellow ones, when he lost control.
The wolf howled again and his claws dug into the mattress as Liam cried. He cried for his alpha, he cried for Malia, for Melissa, for Theo and Stiles and Mason. Liam shed a tear for every single person he missed so dearly, everyone he let down. He cried for the lack of human touch, for the sound of laughter and familiar voices, for the need to be held and loved, the need to smile without his lips cracking open. For his mom and his family and Beacon Hills and all its drama. But, he knew he didn’t deserve it and he knew that as long as he was dead to the world he could never hurt anyone again, especially not the chimera who had saved him so many times.
He knew the morning sun would dry the tears and he would find some task to busy himself with. He knew this misery and overwhelming despair was temporary, that when the sun rose he’d be able to breathe again. But for now he needed to feel this. He owed it to Scott to remember, to let the alpha’s wolf know he was mourning him too, even though he would never let him out.
Liam thought about how he left, without a word or a note. He packed a small duffel bag with clothes and toiletries and left his phone neatly on his bed along with his car keys. There was no doubt in his mind about what he needed to do, every fibre of him told him to run. Like a coward.
He paused by the photo on his desk of the pack at his graduation, they looked so happy, unscathed, “Not their alpha” he reminded himself with a shake of his head and turned the photograph upside down, “I’m no one’s alpha. Not like this.” He left the words behind him in his room, shutting the door. He stopped by his father’s bedside drawer, placing the emergency credit card in his pocket.
Liam walked all the way to the main road that night, and hitched a ride with a lone trucker, stopping at the nearest gas station to withdraw the cash and then discarded the credit card so it couldn’t be traced.
The trucker rambled incessantly, he was headed to Colorado. Liam remembered seeing photos of the snow covered lands, the beautiful mountains, it looked perfectly peaceful as if it would shut his blaring brain right up. Chuck agreed to take him all the way there. Liam didn’t let himself think or feel or wonder for a second, he just left. Chuck was the last person Liam ever had a real conversation with.
He didn’t let his mind linger on the chimera’s face for too long, only enough to memorize every line and how beautiful he looked just minutes before they heard the gunshots and then Scott’s last blood curdling roar, so twisted with pain. He tried to forget how Theo took him home and helped him out of the soiled clothing, standing under the shower spray with him, keeping him up, begging for Liam to look at him.
How Theo tucked him into bed, and promised to be right back, who knows where he went, but when the chimera returned it was to an empty, made up bed, Liam nowhere in sight. He knew Theo searched for him that night, he could hear Theo calling, howling, for him as he and Chuck left the borders of Beacon Hills. “Liam, wait!” the voice was faint now, but back then it was enough to rip his heart right out of his chest. He learned to live without him, his voice, his anchor, but it never got any easier.
Liam yawned, realizing that the sun came up at some point and he missed his favourite part of the day – coffee on the small porch, in the crisp morning air, the smell of pine and wet earth blowing with the wind as the sun rose behind the cabin, listening as the grass planes came to life.
He took a deep breath and got up and there in the hallway he stopped, staring at the empty cabin, the mess in the kitchen, the smouldering fire and the sun beaming in through the door. Broken never looked so peaceful. He stoked the fire back to life and got some water boiling.
Grabbing the broom, he started sweeping up all the shattered pieces from the night before, pieces consisting not only of splintered glass but also some pieces of his broken heart.
He smiled. Today we try again.