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Maggie wants her power back.
That night, Alex has taken it, all of it, and without significant effort. Because Maggie clearly let her, she wanted to. Maggie wishes she could say she regrets it, but she does not. Anyway, when the night is over, Maggie will want her power back.
At that moment, Alex is draining her, and she cannot stop that from happening. Not now. Not now, because Alex has already kiss her. Not now, because she has just tried her flavor - again. Yes, they have kissed so many times before, in so many different ways and places, but this time it did not taste so sweet. And, that is why Maggie is not willing to stop it. She cannot stop that from happening, because their kiss tasted like anger and sorrow – the only things she can feel – and she wants that rage to consume her. Completely.
She is going to be gentle with Alex – as she has always been, even if their encounter started ripping out her clothes. When she sees her crawling into her bed, waiting for her to follow the path, Maggie repeats to herself “one more step and there is not coming back”. In spite of her effort, she cannot fight against go after Alex yet, maybe she could never get to do that - and Alex realized that according to the way she looks at her. But, Maggie still has a brittle option, she can choose the way Alex is going to break the both of them.
Nothing good can happen when you are drunk and broken. They both know they deserve something better than that, but none of them can stop that from happening. For that reason, Maggie is going to see Alex falling apart tonight, but never again. Anyway, she still wishes that was not the first and last time.
So, Maggie puts her back against the headboard and she orders Alex - politely - to straddle her. She seems a bit upset about this role change, but Maggie knows the truth. Alex is not dominant at all. She just found it suitable tonight. She called, Maggie crawled to meet her at the bar, and then, Alex just wanted her to carry her home and she did. But, Alex just got tired of leading. “At the end, you like to beg, and I like to give. But, I know you are broken as I am, so I going to be gentle with you. I promise.” Maggie repeats to herself.
She is going to be gentle with Alex’s body and soul, but sadly just with Alex’s.
“This is how this is going to be.” Maggie tells her, trying to cover the pain that this is really causing her. “I want to see you, but I’m not going to touch you”. And, Maggie knows that Alex – deep down – understands why. Maggie knows that she is going to be turned on by seeing Alex coming undone under her own fingers, but that is not the intended. She wants to see her on top of her looking – she was going to say “so beautiful”, but the only adequate word for her is “goddess”. She wants to feel her hips moving against Maggie’s, without the possibility of touching her, as a punishment for her weaknesses.
“I going to love you as if this were – and we know it is better if it is – the last time I can.” She repeats to herself.
All of this, because Maggie knows Alex understands that she deserve better that casual drunk sex. But, Alex needs this now, and Maggie is not mad at her for that. “How I could be? Sometimes people just want to destroy their self. This is the way you choose for that, and baby, I’m willing to be destroyed with you. How I could be against this? Nothing is more beautiful seeing you on top of me, even if that is ripping me out”, she thinks.
Their time is over long time ago, and that hurts her so bad, because Maggie has still a lot of things to learn about her.
She cannot read Alex’s expression, something that has never happened before, but she deducts her facade is a mix between concern and desire. And then, Alex ask “can I touch you?” in a lower voice.
“I’m all yours” Maggie sincerely responds. And, Alex knows that she is not talking about her flesh.
Alex begs and Maggie gives in, allowing her to kiss her, bite her, and scratch her while Alex plays with herself. And, Alex is so obedient following the other woman’s orders that she achieved her objective easily – more than once. And Maggie – she discovered something new. She discovered that with Alex, she has super-senses. She was able to listen to her heartbeat pitching as it was her own. She was able to feel the most slightly change in her movements, in her breathing, in her moaning – but, that increase the pain Maggie suffered every time her partner pronounced her name, so intoxicated because of the pleasure she was giving to herself.
Maggie knows. She knows Alex understands that she would give in if she begs – and, she did it, but in her own painful terms. Thus, Maggie help Alex got rid of the desire by kissing her and caring her back, but she never crossed the line. That was the only way she had to make Alex fell apart in her arms without falling apart herself.
Maggie still wishes it were not the first and last time that happens. But, it must be.
She needs her power back. The power to say “no” at Alex’s request to meet if she is drunk and lonely, the power to say “no” if Alex asks her to carry her home again.
But, Maggie is not mad at Alex. How she could be?