Chapter Text
“So this is goodbye?” He asks, and Jinyoung nods slowly, clasping his hands. “This is goodbye.” He confirms. Jaebum gives him a funny look, his eyes are downcast but his mouth is twisted upwards. He’s shaking his head, unsure of why this is the end, but yet he understands exactly why.
This was what they had talked about so many times before; the ending. Somehow he had just managed to convince himself along the way that he would be on the other side of this parting, that he would be standing next to Jinyoung instead of opposite of him.
“Why?” He asks, because he can’t help it. He needs to hear it, but he stops Jinyoung before he even gets a chance to answer. “Wasn’t it enough?” He ponders, dragging his hands through his hair. “-I know i could’ve done better, I know I did wrong but I thought that I had helped you, y’know afterwards and I thought that maybe we could become friends, bestfriends, like we were supposed to, and-”
“-That’s why we can’t” Jinyoung cuts him off. “Because you’re enough, you’re nice, okay? You’re one of the kindest people I have ever met in my entire life, and you deserve better than this-”
”-I don’t!”
“-Let me finish!” Jinyoung yells back, and Jaebum’s mouth is left agape, because Jinyoung had never once screamed. In their 8 years of knowing each other he had never heard the younger scream, no matter how hard he had watched Jinyoung clench his fists or bite his tongue, the younger had never once screamed.
“Let me finish….” Jinyoung mumbles again, quiet this time as he turns around, looking out at the sea. He takes a deep breath to calm himself, to collect himself.
“I will always resent you.” Jinyoung begins again, steadily, eyes trained on the boat that travels towards the sunset. “There’s a part of me that will always resent you for what happened and you don’t deserve that anger, because whenever I get angry I will always get angry at you and you don’t deserve that.”
“So you’re doing this for me? Is that what you’re saying, because we both know that i don’t want this!” Jinyoung shakes his head.
“I’m doing it for me.” He corrects and turns around to face the older once again. “Because I don’t deserve to continue living with so much hatred towards myself, because that’s the truth; I still hate myself. And knowing that I’m slowly, that i’ve slowly destroyed you that makes me hate myself more. The fact that no matter how angry I am at you, no matter how bad I treat you sometimes, no matter how much I hate myself, knowing that you’re gonna keep being kind to me that is what destroys me! That is what is breaking me apart… You’ve helped me, a lot, but now I need you to let me help myself and you’re not a part of that anymore.” Jaebum nods slowly. He dries the tears away with his sleeve, and closes his eyes. He needs to process, because he’s lost. He doesn’t understand, no matter how hard he tries to understand the younger’s mind; he never truly did, and he never truly will.
He looks at Jinyoung, really looks at him. He exams the other’s feature for the first time and he notices it, he notices how the dark bags that he had grown familiar with are now almost gone, and he sees how even though the younger is looking down, there’s a calm around him. He’s not fiddling with his hands or pulling on his sleeves, those small movements that Jaebum had seen a thousands times are now replaced with a security, like the storm is finally over and the sea is back to being still and peaceful; right, there’s still some underwater storms but the biggest ones, the ones that had tipped over, the ones that had been deadly, they’re gone.
But even though that, Jaebum still can’t exactly understand. He can see how much better the younger is now. He can see the relief on the younger’s face after having said these words but he doesn’t understand them, no matter how hard he tries to, his brain just can’t wrap itself around it.
“What could i’ve done differently?” That’s what Jaebum asks, but Jinyoung shakes his head.
“Nothing.” He answers, and smiles. It’s not a happy smile, but neither a sad one. It’s one that is used to deliver facts. It’s not bitter, nor sincere, it’s just a smile; a smile you would give a stranger you might’ve seen once before, or a stranger you’re simply passing but who happened to look at you. It’s not a smile that should be given to friends, but maybe that’s why it hurts so much, because maybe that’s what Jinyoung is implying.
“It’s been 8 years since I met you and Jackson and ever since the first time you ignored me there’s nothing you could’ve done. You’ve helped a lot, in many ways, but it wasn’t enough. And that’s not because you weren’t enough; because you were, it’s simply because you can’t single handedly save a person that was being destroyed by so many more.”
“But Mark saved you.”
“No, he didn’t. He helped me a lot, just like you did. I got help in a lot more ways as well, he helped me find other ways to get help, he wasn’t alone in helping me.” Jinyoung corrects.
“You never allowed us to help you.” Jaebum’s tone is bitter.
“I didn’t want help… I wanted it to become worse because I didn’t have anything to live for anymore, I didn’t have anyone to return to... Mark gave me that, he gave me someone to return to and that’s why he could help me in ways that you never could.”
It makes sense in some ways, Jaebum thinks. But it’s still frustrating, and maybe that’s why a new tear is rolling down his chin, and he furiously wipes it away. He clenches his fists around the railing.
“You’re a good friend,” Jinyoung continues when Jaebum stands silent. Jaebum wants to argue it, because if he truly was a good friend, then they wouldn’t be standing here, but Jinyoung doesn’t let him.
Jaebum is admired by it, how Jinyoung still understand him. How Jinyoung knows how he’s trying to crush himself right now. He doesn’t hate himself, no, but that doesn’t mean the words doesn’t have a weight that lands on his shoulders. And Jinyoung even now, can understand how these words will affect him.
Jinyoung had always understood him better than what he had understood Jinyoung. Jaebum can barely recognize the younger anymore, but to the younger he probably seems exactly the same, maybe that’s because Jinyoung has climbed mountains while he has barely moved.
The old Jinyoung and the new Jinyoung barely looks the same either, but truthfully, Jaebum had never been good at understanding other people. No matter how hard he tried to trick himself that he was; he wasn’t.
“You’ve changed a lot since then” Jinyoung reassures, and Jaebum snorts, but Jinyoung continues anyway, “And I believe you now, when you say that you would never do the same thing again. Anyone would be lucky to have you as their best friend and I need you to remember that. But we two, we’re simply not supposed to be friends in this universe, maybe in another life, in another timeline we’ll find each other under different circumstances and maybe we’ll become friends, but it’s not this life.”
Jaebum can’t help but to smile through the tears and the bitterness because this is familiar at least. He knows this Jinyoung, and that’s what makes it somehow okay.
“Why are you consoling me when I’m the one that have done wrong?” Jaebum laughs a bit brokenly as he asks it and Jinyoung smiles.
“Because you’re not the only one that have done wrong. We were two, hell, three, in this wicked game that we were playing and you’re not the only at fault. We all did wrong. So see this as my parting gift, but also as the truth,” Jinyoung walks closer to Jaebum, with a bit of hesitance but steady steps. Jaebum was now leaning against the railing as support. He was looking at the ground, in shame, regret and probably a thousand other emotions that tried to consume him when a hand lands on his shoulder as comfort. He looks up at Jinyoung who’s looking at him with sincere eyes.
“You’re an amazing friend and person, and you deserve so much more than what you have, and I need you to know that. But I also need you to know that I’m gonna be okay.” And Jaebum believes him. He believes in Jinyoung as he wraps his arms around the younger in a last hug, and the younger stiffens first, and right, it’s awkward. It’s an awkward pat on the back and it feels like hugging a stranger, but it’s okay.
They release after a few seconds and Jaebum looks at Jinyoung, but Jinyoung is looking in another direction. He’s looking towards the slim boy with red hair, a concerned smile and two coffee cups in his hands that is standing far away, just visible for the eye. Jaebum probably wouldn’t have recognized anyone in that distance, but Jinyoung and Mark had always been something different.
Jaebum can’t help but to smile again, knowing that it’ll be okay.
“Goodbye” Jaebum then says and Jinyoung looks back at him, shocked, as if he had momentarily forgotten about him, then he smiles again.
“Goodbye” He replies one last time and that’s how they part, with one last word, and one last reassuring smile as Jinyoung walks towards Mark who greets him with a happy smile and asks how it went and Jinyoung smiles once again, saying that it went good. And Mark asks if he finally got to say everything he wanted to say and Jinyoung answers no, but that it’s okay, some truths are better left untold. And then they walk away together, with a macchiato each while laughing about some lame joke Mark just made to cheer the other up. And Jaebum watches them disappear from his sight before he walks the other way, and that’s how it ends. That’s how a friendship that had lasted through 8 years of ups and downs finally comes to an end.
It’s better this way.
They do meet again, they’ll see each other on that cafe three months later and they’ll glance at each other. Jaebum will look a bit more intensely to make sure the younger is still okay while Jinyoung will just look past him as if he’s another stranger. But Jaebum will feel satisfied anyway, because he can see the other laughing, throwing his head back in a way that can only be done by someone who is actually happy, and he can see the affectionate look on Mark’s face whenever he does so.
They see each other two years later again on a restaurant as well, and Jinyoung acknowledges him with a nod before walking up towards some guys that Jaebum doesn’t recognize. They look like they’re celebrating, everyone’s smiling and laughing and Jinyoung is blushing together with Mark who looks like he wants to disappear but take Jinyoung with him into whatever place he wishes to be at.
Jaebum sees him on the street sometimes as well, he’s seen Jackson too. They talked for a bit, and it turns out Jackson was actually the first one to fall in love. He accidentally got a girl pregnant and now they’re living together happily. There’s something content about Jackson now, he looks more mature in the way he acts and talks. He jokes just as before but there’s something that’s complete now, like a part of him had been missing but has now finally been found.
They don’t talk about Jinyoung, they don’t even mention him by name and he lays there, unsaid in the air, a small tension that they can’t really get away from, but Jaebum thinks that’s okay.
Jaebum sees Jinyoung for the last time when he’s 35 years old. He’s sitting in the park watching his two youngest kids running around between bushes while he’s waiting for Youngjae when he sees them. Jinyoung is walking hand in hand together with Mark who has a young girl sitting on his shoulders. Jinyoung’s smiling and Mark is pouting, and the small girl on his shoulder is laughing. They don’t notice Jaebum. They’re both trapped inside their own little world of happiness and Jaebum thinks that that’s the best case.
“I’m back!” Two arms suddenly wraps around Jaebum and he smiles even wider, looking up at Youngjae. “Who were you looking at?” Youngjae then asks, noticing the distant but fond looks in the other’s eyes. And Jaebum looks towards the other two once again, seeing Jinyoung and Mark disappear between the bushes and trees.
He smiles.
“Just someone I used to know.”