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It was Saturday and Hashirama insisted the previous day he should come visit him and Mito and stay for lunch. Not so surprisingly, Tobirama wasn’t really in the mood for socializing when he woke that particular morning but he did promise and Hashirama would be insufferable if he didn’t show up. He would possibly go so far as to drive to Tobirama’s flat and plead, sulk and pout until Tobirama would just give up only to have him off his back.
Also he really didn’t want Mito to cook all the food in vain. Thus he baked a chocolate cake instead so he wouldn’t show up empty-handed, dressed one of his more decent button up shirts (the grey mesh one Mito gave him for last Christmas, when he rolled the sleeves up it showed the tattoos covering his left arm) and black jeans, completed it with black vans sneakers and snapback, shuffled into his car and drove to Hashirama’s.
When he reached his destination, he wasn’t really that surprised to see Izuna’s car already parked in front of the house. That meant he and Touka were present as well. Tobirama sincerely hoped that would be all concerning Hashirama’s guests for the Saturday lunch but he was also conscious of the fact that was just wishful thinking.
He didn’t even have to ring the bell. He barely managed it out of the car and walked around it to retrieve the cake from the passenger’s seat when the front door flew open and Hashirama ran towards him with arms stretched wide and blinding grin even wider. Tobirama just braced for the impact as he found himself in strongest bone-crushing hug one could ever be subjected to a second later.
‘Tobi! I’m so glad you came! I wasn’t sure you wouldn’t just barricade yourself in your home, you didn’t sound too pleased yesterday when I called.’ Hashirama backed off a little, clutching at Tobirama’s shoulders.
‘I wasn’t either. But here I am.’ Tobirama shrugged with a smirk. His brother was an idiot but they were really close, especially since they moved together across the country, leaving Kawarama, Itama and their parents behind. He never failed to lift his spirits a bit, even as annoying as he could be. ‘You didn’t tell me you were expecting a bigger company though. Just how many people are in there?’ Tobirama asked cautiously, finally free to get the cake.
Hashirama laughed loudly and clapped his shoulder. He knew very well his younger brother didn’t like surprises but he also knew the probability of Tobirama not showing up at all was directly proportional to number of other people present. ‘Just six, including you.’ Hashirama beckoned Tobirama in. The white-haired man supressed the urge to sigh. Of course there were six of them.
Not that Tobirama was actively avoiding Madara, mind you. But… It was weird between them since Touka’s birthday party three weeks ago when they got too drunk and Tobirama might have dismissed his inner walls for a while. Let’s just say he said and did things he most certainly wouldn’t if he was sober and was unfortunate enough Madara remembered them. So he currently preferred not to be at the same place as the Uchiha at the same time. Alright, maybe he was avoiding him a bit.
Resigned to his fate, he followed his brother inside. Hashirama led him to the kitchen first where they found Mito adding a few last touches to the roast beef. The elder Senju snuck to the bowl with a potato salad, only to be hit with a dishcloth for his efforts. ‘Hashirama! What did I tell you? Out of my kitchen, now!’ Mito frowned and Hashirama yelped and made himself scarce as fast as he could. In a flash Mito’s face morphed into radiant smile and Tobirama once again found himself in tight embrace, reciprocating only with one arm while trying to balance the cake with his other.
‘Tobirama! It’s wonderful to see you!’ A kiss was planted on his cheek, making him blush a little. He never was much for such displays of affection, despite having three brothers who more than happily ignored his protests against bear tackle hugs and other gestures of adoration.
‘You look as beautiful as ever. I brought a cake by the way.’ Tobirama answered with small smile of his own and held out the box.
‘You’re a treasure, Tobi. You didn’t have to though, it’s enough you brought yourself.’ Mito took the box and stuffed it into already brimmed fridge.
‘It’s not a problem. You know I like to bake.’ Tobirama rubbed the back of his neck self-consciously. But Mito wasn’t one to laugh at his stress baking habit he picked up lately. Everyone had their coping mechanisms.
‘Do you need any help?’ He asked to prevent any questions about him being stressed, well conscious just how obvious it was on his appearance.
‘Could you take those glasses to the dining room? And send Hashirama over. He’s the host, we won’t have our guests serving their own food.’ Mito gestured to the fancy set the couple got as one of the wedding gifts not so long ago.
‘Sure.’ Tobirama nodded and went to do what he was asked for.
‘Finally! I was wondering when you would show up, baby cousin!’ Touka hollered when he stepped into the dining room adjoined with living room where she was lounging on the couch with Izuna by her side.
‘I was greeting the mistress of the house.’ Tobirama placed the glasses dutifully on the table before he made his way towards his loud cousin.
‘You know you have to suffer one more hug, Tobi. Come here!’ Touka outstretched her arms with gleeful grin. Izuna just ducked out of the way not to get slapped in the face in the process.
‘Hey, Tobes. Looking a little less miserable than usually today.’ Izuna offered while Tobirama reluctantly let himself be crushed yet another time in last ten minutes. As his best friend Izuna knew it well Tobirama wasn’t sleeping very good lately with all his work piling up but they were actually close to get the grants for their research so he kept pushing himself as much as he could. And Izuna was kind enough not to call him out too badly as long as he was certain Tobirama wasn't on the verge of collapsing.
‘That’s something to say.’ Tobirama cracked a smile at that, somewhere between amused and resigned.
‘You should take better care of yourself, Tobi. I know you’re a workaholic but your health is more important.’ Touka looked him pointedly in the eye once she loosened her hold on him.
‘I can handle myself but thanks for your concern all the same. Where’s Hashirama?’ Tobirama quickly tried to change the subject.
Touka frowned momentarily at his attempt but then pointed to the back porch. ‘Madara went out to smoke and Hashirama wanted to show him something in the garden.’ Was the answer Tobirama didn’t want to hear. But it seemed he couldn’t delay the meeting with the Uchiha any longer. With a nod he left the couple to their own devices and ventured outside.
Madara and Hashirama were bent above some flower bed, Hashirama gesturing passionately and most likely babbling about his newest flowers to not so much enthusiastic Uchiha who probably suffered all this just to humour the dorky plant loving Senju who happened to be his best friend since elementary school. Everyone eventually learned to just let Hashirama talk and make affirmative noises at the appropriate intervals when he begun one of his excited rants.
‘Anija! Mito wants you to help her. The lunch is ready to be served.’ Tobirama shouted their way, fully intending to disappear back in the depths of the house but Hashirama was beside him in almost god-like speed, dragging him towards the flower bed and frowning Madara.
‘You have to see this! Look at those rose bushes I planted after we moved in, aren’t they beautiful in full bloom?’ Hashirama seemed completely oblivious to Tobirama’s resistance, as always.
‘Very. Hello, Madara.’ Tobirama reluctantly looked at the raven-haired man.
‘Tobirama.’ Madara inclined his head ever so slightly, studying him with keen obsidian black eyes.
‘I have to go help my lovely wife. You can admire the results of my hard work for a bit longer but be back inside in five minutes.’ Hashirama beamed at the two of them and waltzed away. Tobirama was almost certain his idiot brother left him alone with Madara on purpose however he didn’t get why was he so set on making him discomforted.
Tobirama turned towards the rose bushes, suddenly very interested in the colourful petals. ‘I… Haven't seen you for a while.’ Madara broke the silence first.
‘Yeah. I’ve been… Eh. Busy.’ Tobirama replied, inspecting pink lilies.
He heard Madara shift beside him when the silence reigned yet again and then impatient huff. ‘What has you so busy?’ He heard badly concealed irritation in the inquire.
‘Work.’ Tobirama answered as curtly as possible.
‘You work so much you don’t even have a minute to spare and answer a message?’ Madara raised his voice this time. He never was known for being a patient person.
‘I must have forgotten about it, sorry.’ Tobirama’s tone on the other hand remained stoic as ever, even though he was quite the opposite of calm at the moment.
‘I left you countless messages. I know you tend to act like an absentminded professor but you really expect me to believe you forgot about all of them?’ Madara all but growled.
‘We should go back inside.’ Tobirama clenched his fists unconsciously to contain the flinch at the tone and spun around, leaving the Uchiha either stay where he was or follow. Once more he was just running like a coward. Of course he ignored all those messages on purpose. He did debate with himself he should reply to Madara but then he resisted the temptation. Tobirama knew that making his problems fester wasn’t a solution and despite obviously being ignored Madara wasn’t showing any signs of giving up.
He made it back to the living room before he heard the door bang and Madara stomped inside. Contrary to his beliefs the Uchiha didn’t confront him again though. That was suspicious but at the same time Tobirama felt immensely relieved he didn’t cause any scene.
Mito, bless her, immediately recognized he was fretting internally and dragged him towards the table to sit him down. She was sitting at the front of the table with Hashirama by her right side, next to him Tobirama. Across from them were sitting Touka and Izuna and finally Madara across from Mito and next to Tobirama. He wasn’t entirely happy with the seating arrangements but he couldn’t very well protest against them without raising any suspicion.
The roast beef was delicious and Tobirama didn’t hesitate to tell Mito so as soon as he ate his first mouthful. He was graced by one of her radiant smiles in response. To his relief Hashirama engaged Touka in the conversation about her new job, then they moved onto other mundane stuff and no one asked him much about anything.
There wasn’t much to say anyway. They didn’t really understand what he was doing with his research group and they stopped asking about his personal life long ago when they finally learned it made him extremely prickly. Truth to be told, it was almost non-existent, which was another reason why Tobirama decided to drown himself in work.
The whole time Tobirama pointedly avoided even glancing in Madara’s direction, even though he felt the weight of his gaze on himself whenever the Uchiha wasn’t distracted by the conversation. He noticed Izuna picked up on the unusual tension between them but didn’t say anything, probably dismissing it as one of their numerous quarrels.
After lunch Mito made them all coffee and brought the cake as a dessert. ‘This is delicious, Mito. Did you make it or buy it somewhere?’ Madara downright moaned when he tasted the chocolate cake.
‘Actually, it’s Tobirama’s work, direct your praises his way.’ Mito smiled slyly when Tobirama shot her a glare.
‘Since when do you bake?’ Madara was genuinely surprised.
‘I do a lot of things you don’t know about, Madara.’ Tobirama retorted, perhaps a bit too defensively.
‘Well maybe you should stop being a mysterious bastard and talk with us for a change.’ Madara spat back.
‘We have an announcement!’ Hashirama cut in before the argument could wind up any further. He jumped up, standing behind Mito and placing his hands on her shoulders, practically bouncing on spot.
‘We wanted to tell you first. I’m pregnant.’ Mito announced and it suddenly made so much sense why Tobirama found her so radiating today.
‘We are going to have baby! Imagine it! I’m going to be a father!’ Hashirama, as was predictable, couldn’t contain his sheer happiness any longer. Everyone was suddenly standing, all of them eager to hug and congratulate the soon-to-be parents. Tobirama hovered behind, watching the display of tearing Hashirama, beaming Mito, Touka all enthusiastic about being an aunt, Izuna swearing he would be the coolest uncle ever and Madara trying to comfort Hashirama’s emotional outburst.
‘Congratulations, anija. I’m sure you will be the best parents. The kid will be spoiled rotten.’ Tobirama squeezed Hashirama’s shoulder when it was his turn only to be hauled into crushing hug for an umpteenth time that day.
‘He or she will need a genius uncle to teach her all the cool science stuff though.’ Hashirama pointed out.
‘I’ll educate the child the best I can.’ Tobirama chuckled. Hashirama knew he was very fond of children but due to his orientation it was pretty unlikely he would ever procreate himself.
They moved to the living room after that. Touka kept inquiring about Mito’s belly, how she felt and all the pregnancy stuff. Izuna next to her looked a bit frightened by all the questions, as if they too were about to have their own little Uchiha soon. They were engaged for a while but didn’t hurry to get married. With the enthusiasm Touka showed it was entirely possible she would finally decide to settle down.
At some point Hashirama opened a bottle of wine and all of them toasted – Mito just with juice of course – to health of the new coming tiny person and his mother. Then on Hashirama becoming the best dad ever. Then they argued who would be the godfather. One bottle joined another and some of them were getting progressively drunker. A proper celebration was a necessity and numbing his mind was a welcomed outcome as well but Tobirama still kept it in low doses, knowing all too well how things messed up last time he got hammered.
Music was playing loudly, and Hashirama, who was drunkest of them all - he was always such a lightweight - was humming along. Justin Timberlake came up on the playlist and Hashi joined with zeal. ‘I’m bringing sexy back, them other boys don’t know how to act…’ Hashirama sang slightly out of tune and Tobirama supressed a sigh. What a dimwit.
Madara huffed and left the room to spare his ears. Hashirama kept abusing them all with his attempts until Tobirama finally lost his patience. ‘Anija, shut up already. You are the reason sexy left.’ The white-haired Senju snapped at his older sibling. That of course made Mito, Touka and Izuna cackle and Hashirama throw a sulking fit.
‘Wait, wait, wait. Were you implying my brother is sexy?’ Izuna suddenly stopped laughing. Tobirama’s eyes widened at the realization and he winced internally.
‘Yeah, that’s precisely what I meant.’ The Senju grumbled, rolling his eyes in attempt to cover for his slip.
‘Eww, just eww.’ Izuna shuddered with pretended disgust.
‘Izuna. Rest assured I don’t think of your brother that way.’ Tobirama felt the need to clarify he was being sarcastic. Sometimes Izuna was just as dense as Hashirama.
‘Really? I’d swear…’ Madara suddenly nipped in from the doorway.
‘Don’t.’ Tobirama shot him a warning glare. Madara held his angry stare for a moment before he shrugged and went towards the laptop to change the tune. Their strange exchange met with several curious glances and a few raised brows but no one said anything.
‘Aren't you somethin' to admire cause your shine is somethin' like a mirror. And I can't help but notice you reflect in this heart of mine…’ Timberlake started another song and Tobirama flinched. Was that intentional? What was that damned Uchiha thinking he was doing?
‘I love this one! Snuggle-bunny, will you dance with me?’ Hashirama jumped up, holding out a hand for Mito. She took it gladly and they started swaying with the rhythm, gazing in each other’s eyes lovingly. What a happy couple. Tobirama was almost envious. Izuna, the romantic goof, dragged Touka up as well to mimic the other pair.
‘Cause I don't wanna lose you now, I'm lookin' right at the other half of me, the vacancy that sat in my heart is a space that now you hold…’ Watching them for a moment Tobirama suddenly felt physically ill. He needed some water. Stumbling up and into the kitchen he completely missed Madara’s worried gaze.
Tobirama filled a big glass from the tap and drank half of it when he felt a presence behind himself. Spinning around, indeed Madara was hovering in the doorway, looking uncertain. ‘Aren't you somethin', an original cause it doesn't seem really as simple. And I can't help but stare, cause I see truth somewhere in your eyes…’
The other man opened his mouth to say something but Tobirama didn’t want to hear anything now. He didn’t want to hear that stupid song. He didn’t want to hear any accusations or worse, any more confessions. Accusations were too true and confessions? Those were too good to be true. He could actually believe them and what then.
‘You alright?’ Tobirama felt a careful touch on his arm bringing him back from his musings and immediately swatted the hand away.
‘Leave me be.’ He mumbled and ducked out of the kitchen and through the hall to the garden. Shutting the door behind himself successfully cut off the annoying song and as the blessing silence welcomed him, he breathed in the slightly colder night air mixed with sweet scents of Hashirama’s garden.
He plucked one of the white roses from the bush and sat himself on the tree swing previous owners of the house left there and Hashirama repaired it and painted it new. He was such a fool. He kept telling himself he was fine on his own, that it was his own choice. But the truth was, he was just a coward. Seeing Mito and Hashirama so perfectly and utterly happy with each other reminded him even more he actually envied them. He hated being alone.
But he was a coward, wasn’t he? Running away like an immature fool, avoiding dealing with emotions he denied himself even though he longed to have them. And they were within his grasp. Only he was too milk-livered to reach out, grab them and keep them for himself along with the man offering them. And he was so tired, to damn tired. Stressed from work, emotionally worn out, tired of all the mess his life currently was.
So many times through past three weeks Tobirama asked himself why was he doing all of this again. It didn’t make much sense. Madara was his first crush since high school and even after all those years the affection didn’t lessen, on the contrary. Madara never seemed interested though so he kept his affections to himself. He never was very good with emotions anyway. He didn’t want to make things weird between Hashirama and Madara by creeping the Uchiha out.
When he met Yosuke he even thought his teen crush was finally forgotten. He was happy with the man. Yosuke managed to bring out his positive side and Tobirama opened to him like he didn’t to anyone ever before. In hindsight, that was a fatal mistake but how was he supposed to know. One day he came back home from work sooner because he was sick to find his boyfriend having other company in their bed.
It was ridiculous and Tobirama hated himself for being so weak but he hasn't fully recovered even year and a half later. He shut himself from the world, turning even colder than he was before, becoming an emotional cripple who kept everyone but his family at an arm’s length. He couldn’t put so much trust into anyone again. He couldn’t allow another person wound him like this.
Despite all that, he discovered his affections for Madara were more persistent than he would wish. He shouldn’t have drunk so much at that celebration. He shouldn’t have gone there in the first place when he knew Madara would be there too. The Uchiha happened to be single at the time and both of them drunk, Madara started hitting on him. Tobirama, turned into sorry emotionally starved mess with the amount of consumed alcohol, gave in.
They kissed. They were even making out. But what was the worst, they were talking. To his huge surprise Madara confessed he had his eyes on him since high school and Tobirama’s fogged brain was stupid enough to confess the same. Lying drunk under a bundle of blankets at the back garden staring at the stars side by side with Madara, thumb brushing gently on their entwined hands, he felt the happiness again after such a long time.
With the morning came sobering up and not only from the alcohol haze. Tobirama got scared. Damn he really was a coward because he vanished without saying a word, leaving Madara behind and avoiding any confrontation ever since. ‘I’m such an idiot.’ Tobirama chuckled bitterly, only now noticing he absentmindedly plucked all the petals out of the beautiful rose, leaving them lying under his feet.
‘On that we can agree.’ A voice not so far from him made him jump and Madara stepped out of the shadows.
‘Have you been playing on a creep for long?’ Tobirama ran a hand across his face in a tired gesture. He couldn't even get properly angry.
‘Long enough to witness your inner fight, whatever it was about.’ Madara snorted and lit a cigarette. Tobirama wrinkled his nose in distaste.
‘Were you enjoying yourself?’ Tobirama replied sarcastically.
‘Not particularly. On the contrary of your impression, I don’t enjoy your suffering. But it’s always good to see you actually have any emotions at all. It’s so rare one might think he just imagined it when he was drunk.’ Madara puffed out a cloud of smoke. Tobirama ducked his head at the obvious jab and pressed his lips together tightly.
‘The hell Tobirama, what’s the matter with you?’ Madara suddenly erupted, throwing the cigarette away.
‘What are you yelling about?’ Tobirama glared, his defence mode activated with the sudden outburst.
‘Normally you would shred me to pieces with some sassy retort at least dozen times already through the whole evening. Instead I have to look at the picture of pure misery. You look terrible. You are not acting like yourself.’ Madara started pacing, gesturing wildly.
‘I fail to see why my state of mind is your concern.’ Tobirama said flatly.
‘Because I care about you, dammit! Isn’t that obvious? I always had. I hate to see you like this. Last time I did- gods! How good it felt to beat the crap out of that jerk who did that to you. But at the same time I was glad he was out of the way. I waited patiently for you, I didn’t want to push it. And it paid off, didn’t it? You said you were happy that night. Why did you run off? Did I do something wrong?’ Madara was now sounding somewhere between furious and desperate.
Tobirama had hard time processing all the new information. Madara cared so much he even made efforts to confront Yosuke on his behalf? Even back then? Biting his lower lip, he did recall Madara showed up with Hashirama on his doorstep, sporting a black eye and having a hand bandaged a few days after the breakup. The Uchiha brushed it off as a bar fight back then.
‘I… Can’t figure you out most of the time. But one thing I know for sure – something keeps pulling me to you. And now I feel I have a chance I won’t just leave without an honest answer. If you didn’t mean anything you said at the party just tell me clearly and I’ll leave you be.’ Madara crouched in front of him when Tobirama refused to look up at him, his voice suddenly much softer.
Tobirama was nibbling on his lower lip for a while but when Madara didn’t move an inch, he finally capitulated. He couldn’t run forever. ‘I didn’t lie. And I left without a word because… I panicked. How can you promise you would never hurt me just like that? How am I supposed to believe it’s not just empty words?’ Tobirama said quietly as his throat suddenly felt too tight to squeeze the words out, clenching fists so much the nail tore into his skin.
Two warm palms as gently as possible unclenched his ice cold ones and carefully, not to startle him, Madara shifted a bit closer. ‘I can’t blame you for not trusting me. Not really.’ Madara admitted softly. ‘But I meant it all. I’ve been in love with you for the longest time and all I’m asking for is a chance to prove I’m worth of your trust. Please?’ Tobirama snapped his head up hearing the confession and met with a sincere pair of pitch black eyes.
'Yesterday is history, tomorrow's a mystery. I can see you lookin' back at me. Keep your eyes on me, baby, keep your eyes on me.’ That was the lyrics, right? He was searching for any trace of deceive but failed to find any. Could it be…? Perhaps it was finally time to let go. Perhaps he should learn how to trust again. Perhaps Madara was that person who could help him do that. He screwed his eyes shut for a moment but when he opened them again, Madara was still there, eyes full of affection, waiting for his reply.
‘Do I really have any other option seeing how cornered you got me? You really are determined fool.’ Tobirama’s lips twitched as a smile tugged at his corners.
‘Fool for you. Is that yes?’ Madara blurted out, unable to contain the anticipation any more.
‘Yes, I’m willing to let you take me on a date.’ Tobirama finally cracked a small smile.
‘Thank you. I’ll do my best not to disappoint you.’ Madara brought one of the hands he was clutching to his lips and kissed it. Warmth and happiness spread all over Tobirama’s tired body and this time he chose not to fight it.
‘They won’t find the body to send back to your mother if you do.’ Tobirama replied laconically.
‘Ah, the sass it back. That’s my Senju.’ Madara chuckled fondly at that. ‘Let’s go back inside. You will catch cold if you sit there any longer.’ Madara tugged him up, wincing as the blood current returned to his legs and shaking them out to get rid of the tingling sensation.
‘You would take care of me if I did, wouldn’t you?’ Tobirama teased and squeezed his hand lightly.
‘With utmost pleasure.’ Madara’s grin showed a hint of mischief as he squeezed back and headed towards the house. This time Tobirama wasn’t scared to trust him lead the way.