Chapter Text
Tony, just like his father before him, was a lot of things: a genius, a billionaire, a businessman, a showman. But, beneath all that, he was just a man.
Life taught him that, when the world turns against you and everything is damned to hell, you can probably pinpoint the exact moment when you screwed up royally, where everything went wrong. This time, however, he just couldn't seem to find it.
It started when he was just three, or, at least, that's his first memory of things going wrong. His dad was drunk again, not that he could understand the implications of that, at the time. Tony had just arrived from a walk with Jarvis (the blood and flesh one, his first friend) and his shoes, along with his tiny shorts, were full of mud. Tony doesn't remembers falling or playing with dirt, but he remembers his dad mindlessly ordering Jarvis to do something. That was when Howard noticed him, hiding behind Jarvis' legs and a flash of light sparked behind his eyes. Howard grabbed him by the arm and demanded an explanation but Tony could only stare in fear while biting his own lips, keeping a sob from escaping his throat.
"Sir, young Anthony fell and we were on our way to clean him up. Perhaps we could discuss this later."
God bless him. Jarvis was always stepping between Tony and Howard, regardless of the consequences that could bring him. His mom used to do the same, before the drugs took her will to live and Dad became even more angry and upset.
Tony can't exactly describe what happened next besides the fact that he had to wear long sleeves and cardigans in order to hide his father's hand print on his right arm and that his broken lips hurt for a week. After that, he made sure he was always looking presentable, even at home.
His next memory is when he is five. His dad was in the workshop and all that Tony wanted was to spend some time with him before Howard had to go to some random meeting. His dad saw him walking in and grumbled something beneath his breath before telling him to be useful and pick up the electric welding. Tony did just that and then stepped back so the light wouldn't hurt his eyes. Somehow, some of the sparks landed on Tony's small arm and, when Tony tried to tell his dad, Howard told him to stop whining before he would kick him out for good. So Tony shut up and learnt that complaining about being hurt brought him a lot of trouble and that he should suffer in silence.
He is six when he is sent to a boarding school and learns that money can buy a lot of things, but only if you are willing to spend said money. Howard, however, wasn't willing to take the time or money to insure that his son wouldn't be abused while he was away, so Tony had to deal with the older kids by himself. Jarvis would turn a blind eye and teach him how to care for his wounds and Tony would smile and pretend that the bruises were the only lasting damage.
“Starks are made of iron. If you can't behave like a Stark, you aren't worthy of being a Stark”. Howard would say that a lot, specially towards the end, when Tony was already old enough to choose his own path and wasn't afraid of going against him anymore.
He is fourteen when he goes to college and, while he is happy to leave home, he can't help but to fear for his mom, now that she is alone. He begged Jarvis and Aunt Peggy to look after her but they are getting old and Tony knows Howard's drinking problem is getting worse.
He is fifteen when he creates Dum-e and everyone calls him the youngest genius of the century. Howard, after a lot of insistence from both Jarvis and Aunt Peggy, visits him to see Dum-e and it goes as well as expected. Howard points out every mistake Tony has made, ridicules Dum-e for being such a basic robot and laughs as he says that Tony is too damaged, too stupid, too broken to build something good.
Tony tells him to leave and ends up punching the wall, out of anger, effectively breaking two fingers and dislocating his pulse while doing it.
He is seventeen, his parents are dead and Tony spends a lifetime blaming Howard for it. Jarvis dies less than two years later and Anna disappears after that. He lets Stane guide him to a life of alcohol, parties and bad choices and it's all his fault.
He is thirty three when Afghanistan happens and his life changed for the worst. He comes home after six months and the nightmare doesn't ends there. Obie Stane tries to kill him once more; rips out his heart and Tony can't help but to think that the Grimm Brothers were too kind when they described what this feels like.
He is thirty five and he's dying once more. He has faced death many times before but he has never felt so scared. “I can't die now, it's not fair. Not now… Not when I finally have something to live for”, he thinks has he feels his heart slowly giving up, everyday a bit more than the day before. Life isn't fair, not to Starks, at least.
He is thirty six when Loki happens and the Good Ol' Captain comes back from the North Pole and they avenge the Earth. The avengers move into the new Avengers Tower and Fury expects them to get along. Shield isn't exactly paying up for their costs but Tony has more than enough money and, this way, he will ensure his position within the team.
They don't like him and waste no effort in hiding it. He is still just a consultant, even though he is the one who pays for their expanses and builds them new weapons and cleans up after the mess they make when they go out avenging. Tony takes the blame for their collective mistakes and deals with all the diplomacy and tries to smooth things out with foreign governments but things don't always come out as planned.
Tony gets yelled and stared at, he endures mocking from Clint and Thor and all the morality lessons from the All-powerful Steve Rogers. It's fine, though. Tony knows he is nothing but an engineer, a self-appointed PR to the Avengers. Tony knows that he has no place among spies, gods and supersoldiers; he has no place among heroes, so he just takes what he can get.
He is thirty eight (“Jesus Christ, I'm thirty eight already! Friday, do I have any gray hairs in the back of my head?”) when Steve rebels against him and the UN, doesn't signs the accords and breaks a ton of international laws. America's golden boy becomes a war criminal and Tony tries to do the only thing he is good at: fixing things. The accords would make it possible for them to walk away from every past mistake with a clean record but Steve and the others are too stupid to see it.
He is thirty eight when he finds out his parents were murdered by Roger's best friend, Bucky Barnes. He is thirty eight when he finds out Rogers knew all along and didn't told him. He is thirty eight when he feels his mechanical heart break under Cap's shield and his blood runs cold inside his veins.